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When Megan was younger, she’d stare at the sun, blinking the spots out of her burning eyes. It hurt to look at, but it was so pretty that she couldn’t help herself. She’d been told not to, of course, but she was too young to understand the consequences fully.
Something so beautiful would never hurt her.
The group is in rehearsal, and Megan is staring at Daniela again. She doesn’t think she’s ever stopped watching Dani. The way she moves is so fluid, even when she isn’t dancing. And, god, her dancing. It’s a small miracle Megan can peel her eyes away from Dani in the practice room and on stage.
Maybe this is what love is, Megan thinks. Being content with what you’ve been given and never wanting more. Refusing to even consider the possibility of anything but friendship. Knowing that this is all you will ever get and being at peace with that.
Megan wants to spend the rest of her life looking at Dani. She could never get bored with focusing on Daniela.
She’s never felt like this about someone before. She thinks she might not ever again.
Lara nudges her shoulder. “You good?”
Megan blinks. “Yeah, just zoned out again.”
“Sure.” Megan isn’t sure Lara believes her. “Help me with this stretch?” As Megan pushes Lara’s torso toward the floor, she looks up. Daniela makes eye contact through one of the mirrors and shoots Megan a crooked grin. Megan smiles back. Her eyes start to sting, but she keeps watching even after Dani looks away.
Rehearsal ends, and everyone collapses next to each other on the floor. Megan can feel her sweat making her stick to the ground. It’s gross. She knows it is.
Daniela pokes Megan’s shoe with her own. “You should come over to my place.”
Megan wrinkles her nose. “I need a shower. I feel so disgusting.”
“Girl, me too,” Daniela laughs. “Use Manon’s. She’s going over to Sophia’s.”
“Oh, I’m sure,” Megan says. Manon half-heartedly slaps her arm.
“I’m on babysitting duty,” Lara chimes in from the other side of the loose pile. Megan hears the sound of skin hitting skin, and an overly dramatic ow! “Leader, Yoonchae is abusing her unnie. It’s very disrespectful.” There’s another, louder, smacking sound. Lara’s noise of pain doesn’t seem as exaggerated this time.
“Stop antagonizing her, then,” Sophia says as she and Manon get off the floor. “Manon and I are leaving. Be good, please. No killing each other or starting fires.” Manon starts dragging Sophia out of the room. “There’s leftover sinigang in the fridge if you don’t feel like making anything. Call me if there’s an emergency.” Manon almost has her out the door. “Love you. Bye!” The door shuts behind them.
“So?” Dani asks.
“What?” Megan answers.
Daniela is repeatedly poking Megan’s flank. Megan’s being burned alive. “Come over.”
“Alright, alright.” Megan sits up, and Daniela follows. Always in lockstep with each other. Megan and Daniela. Daniela and Megan. Always side by side, never apart.
Daniela grabs Megan’s hand and pulls her to her feet. She doesn’t let go even after Megan is standing. Megan sort of wishes she would. It hurts. Dani squeezes Megan’s hand and says, “Bye, guys. See you tomorrow!” Megan waves to Lara and Yoonchae with her free hand.
“Drive safe,” Lara replies, squishing Yoonchae’s cheeks. Yoonchae just grunts, swatting Lara’s hand away.
“You too,” Daniela says back. She tugs Megan toward the door. Dani only drops Megan’s hand once they get to her Mustang.
Megan thinks she’s never felt colder.
Megan spends the entire drive trying and failing not to look at Daniela out of the corner of her eye. She watches Dani’s hands on the wheel and listens to the way she screams along to the songs blasting from her car’s speakers.
After her shower, Megan puts on some of Daniela’s spare clothes. She looks at herself in the mirror, and something in her chest constricts, vines wrapping around her heart. She takes a deep breath and walks out of the bathroom.
“Hey, babe!” Dani says, dimples showing. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babebabebabebabe.
Megan gives her best attempt at a smile. “Hi, Dani.”
Daniela is lying on the couch, arms outstretched. “Come cuddle.” Megan shuffles over, feeling like she’s walking toward her execution.
It’s just Daniela.
Dani makes grabby hand motions, and Megan lies down on top of her, resting her head on Daniela’s sternum. Megan can hear and feel the steady beat of Dani’s heart under her ear. She wonders if their heartbeats are synced.
Daniela starts running her fingers through Megan’s hair. Megan feels like she can’t breathe. They’re certainly not synced now. She hopes Dani can’t tell.
Daniela isn’t just anything.
They’ve been lying there in comfortable silence for a few minutes when Dani says, “Do you believe in parallel universes?”
Megan thinks for a moment. “Kinda. Why?”
“Just wondering. I hope we end up meeting in all of them. I can’t imagine not knowing you, you know?” Dani’s fingers are now running up and down the back of Megan’s neck.
Megan’s thumb strokes Daniela’s hip bone over her shirt. “I know. I hope we do, too.”
“It’s just—” Daniela works her jaw.
“It’s just what?”
“There are so many ways we could have never met. What if I’d never auditioned for Dream Academy? What if I’d gone to college instead, like I was supposed to? What if you’d stuck with modeling? Or acting? Or just dance? What are the odds that both of us got selected for the program and ended up debuting together?” Daniela’s voice sounds strangled.
Megan lifts her head from Daniela’s chest to make eye contact. Dani’s eyes are glassy, and her lower lip is starting to tremble. A tear slides down her cheek, and Megan wipes it with her thumb.
Megan says, “We’re here, together, now. We can’t know what happens in other universes, but I know that in this one, we made it, and we love each other. And that means something, right?”
It has to mean something.
Daniela sniffs. “Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I love you.”
“I love you too.” Megan drops her head back down, closing her eyes. Daniela’s fingers slip beneath Megan’s borrowed shirt to touch her upper back, nails gently scratching Megan’s spine. Megan’s fist clenches against Dani’s side as she suppresses a shiver.
The brightest star with a warmth Megan wouldn’t mind burning up in.
Later, staring up at the ceiling with Daniela curled up against her in Dani’s bed, Megan wonders if Daniela is queer in any of the other universes. Maybe Megan is a man in some of them.
What if this is the only universe where we can’t work? Megan asks herself. What if every version of me is destined to fall in love with Dani, only for it to be unrequited each time? What if I’m never good enough for her? She doesn’t know which option is worse.
Megan squeezes her eyes shut. She’s happy with what they are.
Megan knows Dani is straight. She isn’t stupid. They’ve talked about the bad dates Dani’s been on before. Megan knows about Daniela’s high school ex-boyfriend. She’s listened to Dani thirst over mediocre men. When Megan came out to her, Dani bought her these fugly rainbow socks and talked about her guncle for ten straight minutes.
Megan gets it. She really does.
But it’s one thing to know and another to have to hear Dani say the words I’m not gay. I’m not gay, guys. I’m coming out as straight on a live with thousands of people watching, recording, and posting clips for thousands more to see.
For the next three days, every video on Megan’s For You Page has those twelve words.
She uninstalls the app.
Daniela starts going on dates with a man. She insists they’re “not official or anything,” but talks about him constantly and smiles at her phone when he texts. Sometimes, she asks Megan to help her pick out outfits for their dates.
Megan is sprawled on Daniela’s bed, watching Dani dig through her closet. “Where are you two going today?”
“I don’t know,” Dani says, slightly muffled by the closet. “It’s a surprise. He just said to dress nice.”
“You always dress nice.”
“Aww. Thanks, Megan. Which dress?” Daniela asks. She’s returned from the closet holding a red dress in one hand and a black one in the other. She takes turns holding them in front of herself.
“I like the black dress more,” Megan decides. Daniela gives an affirmative hum and puts the red dress back in her closet. She starts taking her clothes off, and Megan slides her eyes away. Very casual—oh, Dani put a new poster up.
Daniela says, “You don’t have to do that. I meant it when I said that I’m most comfortable with you like that.”
“I know.” Megan starts biting one of her nails.
Daniela finishes getting dressed, and Megan’s eyes snap back to her like magnets. “Does my makeup look okay?”
“It’s perfect.” Dani’s perfect.
Daniela smiles and checks her hair in the mirror. “I really like him, Meg. He’s just…he’s different than the other guys I’ve gone out with recently. I think you’d like him too. You have a lot in common, actually.” More than Dani knows.
Megan feels like she’s going to throw up. She tastes bile and feels something coming up her throat. She fears it might be a confession. She swallows. “He seems good for you.” Megan swallows harder before she can say something stupid, like Aren’t I good for you, too?
“He is, I think.” Daniela’s phone pings, and she’s smiling before she even unlocks her phone. “He’s here. Please tell Manon I left before you go. Love you.”
“I will. Love you too.” Megan watches Daniela walk away. After she hears the front door open and shut, she rolls onto her stomach, suffocating herself in Dani’s pillow. Megan can smell Dani’s conditioner and perfume. She holds her breath until it starts to hurt, then keeps holding it anyway.
She would let Daniela ruin her in every universe.
Megan’s heartbeat is so loud in her ears that she doesn’t hear Manon until she says, “Oh. Did Dani leave already?”
Megan pushes herself into a seated position, feeling like she’s been caught doing something wrong. She fixes her bangs as she answers, “Yeah, a couple of minutes ago.”
Manon’s face does something complicated before landing on a small smile. “Twilight marathon? I have some longan from Sophia.”
“Sure.”
Megan goes to parties. She kisses women with flirty smiles, pretty eyes, and curly hair. She pretends.
She leaves with an apologetic grimace when the pretending stops working.
Daniela and the man she’s seeing are official now. Megan’s met him. He’s cute and charming. He looks at Daniela like she hung the stars in the sky—Dani’s his entire world. He and Megan have that in common; Megan has been seeing Dani in everything she loves for years.
Megan wonders if Daniela will ask her to be one of her bridesmaids one day. Surely she wouldn’t be the maid of honor. Couldn’t be. Right?
She remembers Daniela saying that she didn’t really have many female friends before Dream Academy, and feels like someone dumped a bucket of ice water on her head.
Lara sets Megan up on a date. She has curly hair and dimples. Of course, Megan thinks after seeing her. She’s beautiful and funny, and Megan wishes she could like her. She really, truly does. Halfway through lunch, Megan tells the woman she has to go because the others left Yoonchae alone.
Megan tells Lara she’s not interested in the next person she tries to set Megan up with, before Lara can even give her a name or show her what they look like.
Megan sees a screenshot of one of Daniela’s Weverse DMs on Twitter. It starts with all i said was im straight…
Megan closes the app before she can read the rest.
She stays off Twitter for a week.
Sophia’s been watching Megan more closely recently. Hovering, like she’s ready to catch Megan when she falls. She corners Megan after one of their rehearsals.
“I’m here if you ever want to talk,” Sophia says, her tone striking a balance between neutral and mildly concerned. Megan doesn’t. If she hasn’t said anything to Lara, she sure as hell isn’t going to tell Sophia anything. At least Lara would look at her with an expression that screams girl, tell her to get up, and set up another double date for cheap entertainment.
All Megan would get from Sophia is pity (Oh, Megan) and a hug. She could use a hug, maybe. She sort of feels like crying. She’s felt like crying for a while now.
“I’m okay,” Megan says to Sophia’s forehead. Lying directly into Sophia’s puppy eyes always makes Megan feel awful. It’s worse than lying to her mom. “Rehearsals have just been really exhausting.”
“Well, we have the weekend off. Make sure you get lots of rest, okay? I don’t want you getting sick again.” Sophia’s tone has shifted to moderate concern. If it becomes severe, Megan fears Sophia will try to swaddle her and feed her spoonfuls of soup. That doesn’t sound half bad, actually.
“I will,” Megan lies. “Bye, Sophia.”
“Drive safe.”
Megan is lying in bed, using one of her days off to mindlessly scroll on her phone, when Daniela calls. “Hello?”
“Hey! We haven’t really hung out in a while. Meet me in the practice room.”
Dani never asks.
Megan sighs. “It’s a break day, Dani.”
“It’s not related to our music. I promise. Come on.” Megan can hear the pout in Daniela’s voice.
“Fine. If I hear even one second of any of our songs, I’m leaving.”
Megan always says yes anyway.
“See you there,” Dani says. Megan hangs up and groans into her pillow for a moment before throwing a hoodie on and grabbing her keys. Lara is out with friends, so Megan sends her a text letting her know where she’ll be and gets a thumbs-up emoji in response.
Daniela is stretching when Megan enters the practice room. “Why am I here?”
Daniela tsks. “Stretching first, questions later.” Megan rolls her eyes, but does as she’s told.
Once they’re done with some light stretching, Daniela says, “Okay, so, you’ve always wanted to try ballroom. Here’s your chance, with me as your dance teacher.”
Megan freezes. “How do you know that?”
“You told me after you found out I grew up doing ballroom.”
“You remember something I said off-handedly, like, three years ago?” Megan preens. She might sound a little awed.
Daniela shrugs. “I mean, yeah. You’re one of my best friends.” Megan wants to die a bit. She tries not to look too much like a deflated balloon. “We’re doing some basic cha-cha steps.”
Megan takes her hoodie off. “Sounds good.”
Dani demonstrates the steps as she’s saying them. Megan copies her movements. “Starting position: right leg planted and left leg out to the side. And: slide your left foot to the side, so it’s next to your right. Two: step forward so your left leg is in front of your right leg.
“Three: step back with your right leg. And: slide your left leg back, so it’s next to your right. Cha: step to the side with your left leg. Cha: slide your right leg to the side, so it’s next to your left. One: step to the side with your left leg. You’ll end up in the starting position.
“Then you go backward. And: slide your right leg to the side. Two: step back with your right leg. Three: step forward with your left leg. And: slide your right leg forward so it’s next to your left. Cha: step to the side with your right leg.
“Cha: bring your left foot in so it’s next to your right. One: step to the right so you end up in the starting position. Okay, great! Come here.” Megan walks forward. “Little closer.” Megan takes another step. “One more step. I don’t bite.”
“I’ve seen you try to bite Sophia multiple times,” Megan says, coming closer anyway.
“Only because she deserved it,” Daniela winks. “Do you deserve me biting you, Megan?”
“...No?” Megan fucking wishes.
“Exactly. You’re going to be the man.” Megan fucking wishes. Again. “Put your right arm under my left shoulder blade.” Megan does. Daniela puts her hand on the side of Megan’s shoulder. She raises her free hand. “Give me your other hand.” Megan holds Dani’s hand. “Starting position. Slide left foot inward. Step forward left leg. Step back right leg. Slide left foot back.
“Step sideways left leg. Slide right foot inward. Step sideways left leg. Remember to swivel your hips. And, two, three, and, cha, cha, one, and, two, three, and, cha, cha, one, and, two, three, and, cha, cha, one, and, two, three, and, cha, cha, one.”
Daniela steps away from Megan, and Megan feels like she can take full breaths for the first time in minutes. “This next one is the last step we’ll be doing today,” Dani starts. “It has the same starting position.” They both move into it.
“And: drag your left foot inward. Two: bend your right knee as you straighten the left. Three: bend your left knee as you straighten the right. Cha: step to the side with your left leg. Cha: slide your right foot inward. One: step to the side with your left leg to be in the starting position.
“And: drag your right foot inward. Two: bend your left knee as you straighten the right. Three: bend your right knee as you straighten the left. Cha: step to the side with your right leg. Cha: slide your left foot inward. One: step to the side with your right to end up in the starting position again.
“Okay, now come do it with me.”
“Whoa,” Megan jokes.
“Shut up. For this one, we’re just holding hands.” Just. Megan places her palms in Daniela’s. She hopes they aren’t too sweaty. “Starting position. Slide left foot inward. Bend right knee, straighten left knee. Bend left knee, straighten right knee. Step sideways left leg. Slide right foot inward. Step sideways left leg.
“Slide right foot inward. Bend left knee, straighten right knee. Bend right knee, straighten left knee. Step sideways right leg. Slide left foot inward. Step sideways right leg. And, two, three, cha, cha, one, and, two, three, cha, cha, one, and, two, three, cha, cha, one, and, two, three, cha, cha, one.
“Good job. Let’s do both back to back.” They do one run with both steps. “You’re doing great. We’ll try with music now.” Daniela puts on a slow song, and they practice a few more times. “This next song is faster.” The music plays, and they start dancing.
Daniela has the biggest smile on her face. Megan has the urge to shield her eyes. She can feel the sting of melted wax dripping down her shoulder blades.
It’s unfair that someone so warm and beautiful can cause so much damage.
Megan stumbles a bit. “Shit.”
“Clumsy,” Daniela teases. Megan laughs nervously. Daniela starts exaggeratedly mouthing the counts. At least Megan has an excuse to stare at Dani’s lips.
After a few loops of the song, they stop dancing. It’s hard for Megan to let go. She feels like their skin should have melted and fused. She puts her hoodie back on to fight the sudden chill. “Shoot. I didn’t bring a water bottle.”
Dani shrugs. “Just use mine.”
“Thanks.” Megan’s tone falls just short of her goal of casual and unaffected.
Megan isn’t thirteen, so she doesn’t think about indirect kissing at all.
Megan dreams of Daniela almost every night. Sometimes they’re dating. Other times, they’re not quite there yet. They were married in one.
She wakes with dried tears on her cheeks and an ache in her chest. The ache hasn’t left in a long time.
Megan wonders if these are the parallel universes Dani asked about.
Daniela is out with her boyfriend again. Megan is moping in her room when she gets a text from Yoonchae asking if Megan wants to play Roblox with her. Megan agrees. She figures anything is better than what she’s doing.
Yoonchae lets Megan into the apartment after Megan texts that she’s there. Sophia’s door is open, and Megan can’t hear her in the apartment. “Where’s Sophia?”
“With Manon,” Yoonchae replies.
Megan rolls her eyes. “Of course.”
They play Tower of Hell until the sun goes down and Sophia comes home, Manon in tow, to make dinner. Megan has so much fun that she hardly thinks about Daniela at all.
Megan reinstalls TikTok. The first video she sees is a clip compilation from Manon, Lara, and Daniela’s live. She goes to scroll away, but hesitates too long and hears Daniela say her name. Megan rewinds the video and turns up her volume.
She hears the Daniela in the video say Is Megan in the room? and I’m going to go hang out with Megan and Okay, I’m going to go take a visit to Megan. Megan watches Dani come back to the live a minute later because no one answered the door.
Megan wishes promotions hadn’t left her so exhausted.
Megan wishes she had been awake. She always wants more time. There’s never enough time.
Megan wishes she knew why Daniela wanted to see her. It couldn’t have been just to say hi like she said it was. They’d just seen each other.
Megan wishes Dani had left the room to try to see her sooner, before Manon had asked about clearing up rumors. Maybe Megan wouldn’t have had to listen to Daniela say that she’s not gay. Dani wouldn’t have been in the room to hear the question. She wouldn’t have been able to answer it.
Megan wishes Daniela wouldn’t have addressed her sexuality at all. Why was that rumor her first thought? Why couldn’t Dani have just said she won’t talk about it, like Manon?
Megan wishes things were different.
Megan wishes—
“I’m happy.” A ragged inhale. “I’m happy.” A tear falls down one cheek. “I’m happy.” Both cheeks now. “I’m happy,” she repeats to herself between muffled sobs.
Nineteen is too young to be stuck on someone forever. Megan feels like she’s being crushed beneath the weight of her own want.
When Megan leaves her room, Lara slides a takeout container of Hainan chicken rice across the kitchen counter. She doesn’t say anything, just nods when Megan thanks her.
Yoonchae and Megan are in Yoonchae’s room. They’re supposed to be watching a show, but instead, Megan is sitting there glumly watching Dani’s location on her phone. She’s on a date again.
Yoonchae pauses the show. “I haven’t kissed anyone before.”
“Oh,” Megan says as she looks up from her phone. “Okay.” She goes back to stalking Daniela.
Yoonchae mutters something under her breath. “Do you want to kiss?”
Megan shrugs and turns off her phone. “Sure.” She cups Yoonchae’s cheek and leans in for a chaste peck. After Megan returns to her original position and starts reaching for her phone again, Yoonchae rolls her eyes, grabs Megan’s chin between thumb and pointer, and pulls until Megan’s mouth opens. Yoonchae drags Megan into another kiss.
Megan makes a quiet, surprised sound against Yoonchae’s mouth. Yoonchae starts tugging Megan forward, so Megan shifts to straddle her lap. Megan drags her tongue across Yoonchae’s bottom lip, and Yoonchae hums in the back of her throat, opening her mouth wider.
As their tongues meet, Yoonchae slips her hand under Megan’s shirt, slowly sliding it up Megan’s torso. Megan grinds down, once, moving one of her hands to Yoonchae’s hair and the other to her neck.
Megan likes it more than she thought she would, even though Yoonchae’s hair isn’t right.
Yoonchae’s hand has just reached the underwire of Megan’s bra when the door starts to open. Megan and Yoonchae stop kissing, but neither moves from their positions. “Hey, Yoonchip, have you seen—oh. Uh. Sorry. Nevermind. Bye!” Sophia slams the door shut.
Megan’s lips are tingling, and her breathing is heavy. Yoonchae and Megan stare at each other for a few moments before Yoonchae breaks the silence by saying, “I lied. I’ve kissed people.” She hasn’t stopped looking at Megan’s mouth.
“What? Why? Wait—who?” Megan feels jealousy wrap itself around her lungs.
“I wanted to kiss you,” Yoonchae admits. Megan rewards Yoonchae for her honesty with another kiss.
Megan breaks the kiss to ask, “Who though?” Yoonchae leans in. Megan moves her head out of reach. “You can’t distract me.” Yoonchae grabs Megan by the throat to pull her back in.
Well, maybe it doesn’t matter so much.
The next day, Daniela walks up to Megan at rehearsal. “Damn, dude, where’d you get these?” Daniela pokes one of the hickeys on Megan’s throat.
Megan winces but doesn’t answer. Yoonchae comes over, bumping her shoulder into Megan’s and intertwining their pinkies. Daniela looks down at their hands, her smile becoming more strained and no longer reaching her eyes.
Megan turns, and Yoonchae’s smile is blinding. Strangely, it doesn’t hurt. Megan smiles back.
“Do you want to come over later, Megan?” Daniela asks.
“Can’t,” Megan says. “Yoonchae and I have plans.”
“Oh, okay,” Daniela says quietly before shuffling over to Sophia.
Megan thinks she gets it now. She isn’t a kid anymore. She’s old enough to understand the consequences of staring at the sun.
Megan doesn’t think she’ll ever stop looking at Daniela, not entirely, but she can at least try to be smart about it. She’ll do her best to look at the sun with peripheral vision, just out of reach, instead of head-on.
She can look at the moon directly as much as she wants—it’s a reflection of the sun’s light after all. It’s safe. Reflections can’t burn.
The moon is beautiful in its own right, even if it is only borrowing light.