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“Alright, Robert. Hand over that crisp twenty and place your bets before he gets here.” Sonar said slyly, the fleshy fingers on his extended hand beckoning greedily.
“Hey, no, c'mon guys. This feels like a bit much, even by our standards. I don't wanna get HR on our ass.” Robert responded with a lackluster frustration. A chorus of groans and eyerolls emanated from the Z-team, clearly unhappy with his answer.
“Oh that's a load ‘a horse shite comin’ from you, Rob. Ye can't go thirty fuckin’ seconds without jokin’ about jackin’. So place yer fuckin’ bet already.” Punch-Up chimed in angrily.
Robert sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose in exhaustion and pretending not to notice Invisigal's crude miming. He lackadaisically patted his back pocket, slipping out his wallet and opening it.
“Huh. Would you look at that? I don't even have 20 dollars.” He said dryly, thumbing over the singular $5 bill in his worn old wallet. An encore of groans came from the Z team.
“Where do you think I got my bet from? Duh.” Invisigal snickered.
“Sorry, guys. Guess I'll have to miss out on the ravaging fun of torturing the guy on our team most likely to piss his pants mid shift. You guys have fun.”
“Aww, C'mon Robert! Don't you wanna know?” Malevola pried, rocking back on the hind legs of the rickety break room chair she was sitting on.
“No, not really. I can't say I particularly care which way Waterboy swings, nor my chance to win a riveting…what…fourty dollars? over it. “ Robert replied.
“But ain't you curious? The boy is a fuckin’ enigma! I'm half convinced hes smooth like a fuckin’ Ken doll down there!” Prism chimed in, her desperate lust for gossip clearly getting the better of her.
“Hey. Not cool, Prism.” Golem droned. Prism dismissed him with a flippant hand gesture, not even bothering to look his way.
“I'm telling you guys. Real recognizes real. That boy is bisexual” Malevola chirped as she confidantly crossed her arms. Golem seemed to nod in agreement, but it was sort of hard to glean what with his lack of neck.
“Noooooo way. That dude has fuckin incel written all over him. That's a straight beta cuck. Trust me. I know these things” Sonar barked confidently.
“Yeah. I bet he's on some real stalker shit. Locks of hair and stuff.” Coupé added with a sadistic grin from the back of the crowd.
“Hey, that was mean. I don't think that guy could hurt a fly. Even if he was trying to.” Robert interjected, unfortunately sucked into the black hole of stupidity that was that conversation.
“Yeah, Robby-boy is right! Herm is a sweet lad. I bet he's too shy to even look a girl in the eyes. Probably why he's like…well. That.” Punch-up added in a tender tone. Prism cut through the room with a deviously loud cackle.
“HA! Y'all are fuckin’ trippin. That is the gayest little gay boy I've ever seen in my Li-i-i-ife!” She exclaimed.
“Oh yeah. I can see it in his eyes. Waterbitch is practically begging for cock.” Flambae said with a smirk wide enough to show off his chipped tooth.
“Huh. Wishful thinking there, bud?” Robert asked dryly, wiping the smirk off of Flambae's stupid face.
“Ha! I bet he's into the exact type of guys who bullied him in high school. Some real childhood trauma shit.” Invisigal interjected. “Y'know, Flambae, maybe you do have a chance!” she mocked in a saccharine tone.
“Okay. So tell me. What exactly is your genius plan to get this information out of him?” Robert sighed, pouring himself a fresh cup of coffee.
“Duh. We just ask him!” Prism responded patronizingly.
“As your supervisor I would like to give you all a tasteful reminder that we do, in fact, have an HR department. Since none of you have had real jobs before I'll even throw in the bonus info that asking your colleague if he likes cock is generally frowned upon.” Robert explained in his best attempt at a corporate voice.
“Oh shut up, Robert. You make more comments about cock than any of us.” Invisigal replied with a snicker. “Nah, that's totally a lie. I out-cock you. More ways then one”
“...noted.” Robert accepted with a shrug. He sighed, taking a sip of his coffee. “Why do you guys even care? Where is this even coming from?” He asked, his tone betraying his genuine curiosity.
“Well we were talking about how that guy is an absolute turbovirgin,” Sonar replied.
“Ohhhh yeah. That guy is more chaste than an ugly nun.” Malevola interjected.
“Honestly we started to feel kinda bad for the guy.” Punch-up added with an earnest tone and a frown pushing through his thick mustache.
“That poor boy needs dick BAAAAAAAAD. Like, look at the guy. I've never seen a motherfucker who needs to get laid so bad in my LIFE.” Prism chimed in, spawning a wave of nods from the rest of the Z-team.
“So we figured we could maybe give the guy a hand. You know, set him up. Make a dating profile for him. Help him out.” Golem continued.
“So I open Grindr on my phone to make a new account and suddenly everyone's shouting and arguing! ‘Ooooh why do you assume he likes men’ ‘oooo Flambae you dont know hes gay!’ Blah blah blah.” Flambae continued with palpable annoyance in his voice.
“Yeah. At that point I had easily identified the situation as a prime betting opportunity. Aaaand that was about five minutes before you walked in.” Sonar concluded.
“Huh. You know, I was expecting something way worse.” Robert said. “Honestly, I'm pretty proud of you guys for going out of your way to do something nice for a team member. Even if that nice thing is getting him laid. Good job, guys.”
“You know, Robert…” Coupe started slyly. “Just because you're too broke to bet doesn't mean you can't still cement your guess."
“Ohoho! Shes got you there mate!” Malevola chimed in with a wicked cackle.
“Cmon, Mecha-bitch. Tell us what you think water-bitch has going on!” Flambae teased, his cadence making it clear that he thought he had said some clever wordplay.
“Ugh, guys-” Robert started with an eyeroll.
“C'mon, Robert. It's team building.” Invisigal interrupted.
“Yeah, Robert! Get in on this! C'mon!” Prism added enthusiastically. By this point the energy and volume in the room was getting so raucous that it was starting to leak out into the rest of the building.
“Okay, okay, okay! Fine! If it'll shut you idiots up, I'll guess." Robert said, raising his hand in a silencing gesture. He groaned, thinking it over for a moment. Part of him wanted to just say the first thing that came to mind, but he couldn't help but let his mind wander around Waterboy. He pictured that shy, nervous smile…his adorably naivete…his bottomless well of friendliness. A slight smile tugged at the corners of Robert's mouth as he thought well and hard about him. He wasn't straight, that was for sure. Robert could list at least half a dozen times he had felt Waterboy squirm or seen him blush when he got a little too close. Robert had no frame of reference for how Waterboy felt about women, but he knew for sure that he was nowhere near straight. Robert let out a big dramatic sigh.
“Alright. You want my take?” He said in a needlessly strong voice. “Waterboy is gay.”
“H-huh?” Squeaked a meek voice from somewhere behind Robert. Robert turned on his heel fast enough to get whiplash, eyes going wide as he saw Waterboy looming in the doorway.
“Oh, oh shit! Waterboy! Uh, sorry. We were just talking. You know, about-” Robert floundered, interrupted by a sudden cacophony of laughter from the entire Z team.
“Uh…um…Hi guys. What're we talking…um…whatre you guys up…to…doing..talking?” Waterboy mumbled, trying to maintain his shaky smile, but clearly deeply upset and uncomfortable.
“Damn, Robert. You fucked that up even worse then I thought we would.” Sonar said in his cocky monotone.
“I figured Flambae would call him a slur or something. This was way more entertaining.” Invisigal added sadistically.
“Um…should I…uh…go?” Waterboy asked meekly, his face growing so flushed that the heat evaporated the dampness at the very edge of his cheeks.
“No, no. Waterboy, you're fine. I'm sorry. We were just talking about, you know, identity stuff. Flambae mentioned being the only gay guy and we realised we weren't actually sure since you weren't here, so…sorry. We shouldn't have speculated about you like that.“ Robert bullshitted with a lawyer-like convincingness.
“You…you guys think I'm gay!?” Waterboy chirped, a childish voice crack in his question flying so high pitched that it made Sonar wince.
‘Hey, baby, it's okay! Most of us are at least a little bisexual, so you good!” Prism chimed in with a genuine kindness in her voice.
“Yeah man. Love is love.” Golem said in his usual monotone growl
“I…uh…um…” Waterboy stuttered, unable to form a single word. By then his cheeks had grown so hot that his goggles had steamed up. “I…um…..I'm gonna…janitor's closet ... .eat lunch…there….” He spit out quietly before turning tail and booking it down the hall.
“That was weird.’ Malevola commented dryly, tilting her head like a confused bird.
“Shit!” Flambae erupted, suddenly seeming more invested in Waterboy then he ever had been before. “Do you guys think he's homophobic?”
“What? No way!” Punchup interjected.
“I called it. Total 4chan guy.” Sonar said solemnly with a disapproving shake of his head.
“Naaaaaw, there's no way that boy aint a little fruity! And either way he doesn't seem like the hateful type!” Prism said.
“Would you all shut up!?” Robert interrupted, a little louder than he had intended. “I think he's just - rightfully - uncomfortable because we were fucking speculating about him behind his back. And fucking look at us. We're doing it again. I'm gonna go calm him down before he reports all of our sorry asses to HR. I dont wanna hear another word about anyone's cocks but your own for the rest of the day!” Robert ranted, abandoning his cup of coffee on the counter and walking after Waterboy.
Fortunately, Waterboy was no master of espionage. The constant snail-trail of water made him concerningly easy to track, though Robert already knew where he was going.
Robert slowly opened the door to the janitors’ closet, turning the knob to avoid making a loud sound around an already jittery guy. It had been months since Waterboy had been a janitor, but he still sequestered himself in the storage closet often. Robert wasn't exactly sure why; maybe it was the quiet, or the lack of people, or the fact that it was one of the only places where there's nothing wrong with a little water on the ground. Regardless, though, he felt safe there, or at least a whole lot safer than he did under the prying eyes of the Z-Team.
“Waterboy?” Robert asked in a low voice, trying to pump his usually dry voice with the genuine concern he felt. At first all he got in response was a sniffle, then a sad little whine, and a long pause before he actually spoke.
“...what do…hi…hello….yeah?” Waterboy mumbled, trying and failing to downplay the sound of his sniffles.
Robert entered the room, dim and musty as it was. It was dark in there, only illuminated by a small rectangular window up by the storm drain. There was an overhead light- a bare bulb hanging from a thick wire with a rusty old pull cord- but seeing as Waterboy hadn't opted to turn it on, Robert decided not to touch it. Waterboy was slouched in his big plastic bucket, his knobby knees tucked up to his chin and his gangly legs hanging over the rim. He was hugging his knees, his lanky limbs all tangled together, his forehead pressed against his forearms, hiding his face.
Robert made his way into the small room, quietly closing the door behind him and sitting against the wall a few feet from Waterboy. He let out a loud sigh, rolling his neck and looking at Waterboy.
“I'm sorry.” He said frankly. There was a pause before waterboy spoke.
“Do…do you guys…they…think im…gay?” Waterboy asked, seeming genuinely upset.
“What, like its a bad thing?” Robert asked tongue-in-cheekly, not exactly sure why Waterboy was so shaken. Waterboy quickly raised his head with wide eyes, shaking it so hard he was flicking water everywhere.
“HUH? WHAT? NO! Nononono! Its not. No! Not like that! Uh. G-gay rights! Uh. Not like that. No.” He floundered, his earnest panic getting a chuckle out of Robert.
“So you're just upset that people were gossiping about you? Reasonably, I might add.” Robert pried. Waterboy frowned, half-burying his head in his lap again.
“No…not….i mean, kinda? I dunno…I just…i dunno. I have....in the past...I dont like people talking about me…its not…usually….good.” Waterboy stuttered sadly. Rob nodded understandingly. He reached to comfort Waterboy, his hand hovering over his shoulder for a moment in trepidation. He went for it, placing a hand on Waterboy's shoulder and rubbing his thumb comfortingly against the slick neoprene of his wetsuit. He felt Waterboy shudder under his touch, startled and uneasy over the kind gesture. Even through the thick waterproof fabric and the thin layer of moisture he could feel the tension in Herman's muscles. His shoulders shook a little. Robert could feel him roll them back, as if pretending to relax them, but it was easy to feel the tension and the trembling through the farcical gesture. A small smile caught at the corner of Robert's mouth, there was something endearing about Herman trying to pretend to relax for him, even if he didn't know how. “I've been bullied. A……lot. A lot, a lot. My whole life…I. I dunno. Just…a lot. For being wet. For being tall. For being…like this. My issue…my stutter. My…my everything. For being….i mean. For being - for them thinking i was - being….gay. y'know…. A…a lot. I guess I'm just afraid…I dunno. I-I know that it wouldn't be - it would be no problem. Not a-a problem with you guys. I just. I still get… Scared. F-force of habit, I geuss…”
“I'm sorry, Waterboy. Are you gonna be okay?” Robert asked in a soft, low voice. Waterboy nodded, looking up at him again with a fragile smile and nervous eyes.
“Y-yeah. I think….If…Im gonna just stay here for a bit. In the dark. Alone…um. Haha….you know. Its…quiet. Ill calm down.” Waterboy said unconvincingly. Robert nodded along.
“Alright. You know yourself best. Do you want me to leave so you can be alone?”
“NO!” Waterboy all but yelled. He slapped his hand over his mouth after the sound, seemingly unconsciously, left his mouth. Robert couldn't help but let out a warm laugh at the stupidly earnest display, causing Waterboy to cover his face in shame. Even with his big gloves covering his face forehead to chin, though, his ears betrayed just how hard he was blushing.
“Alright, alright. I can stay. Hah, didn't realise I was in such high demand!” Robert teased, resisting the urge to torture him further. Waterboy let out a little whine, and by then Robert couldn't contain the smile on his tired face. He kept rubbing Waterboy's shoulder, unconsciously going harder and harder so the ball of his palm could chip away at the gordian knot in Waterboy's back.
“I….oh…” Waterboy whined. “I just…I like having you around. You're…nice. Nice to me. Its…youre comforting.” Waterboy stuttered slowly, clearly thinking hard about each word in his word vomit. “...thank you, Robert. For…for being so nice to me.”
Robert's eyes widened. He wasn't used to people being so earnest with him. Waterboy's eyes were wide and heartfelt, staring right into Robert's. Rob cleared his throat awkwardly, diverting his gaze so his heart would stop beating so fast under Herman's prying eyes. He struggled to conjure up his usual wit in the face of such a tender moment.
“No worries, Waterboy…Herman.” He said with a gulp, still not meeting his eye. There was a pause between them, and for the first time Robert felt Waterboy's muscles genuinely relax. Rob sighed, like the pressure releasing was his own.
“I…I am. By-By the way.” Waterboy added meekly. Robert looked back up with a quizzical expression. Waterboy flashed him a sweet smile before processing his expression as confused. “Oh! Um. I mean- what I meant is that- I am. I'm…y'know. Gay. Or, um. Bi, really. You know…like. Like -like I like- uh, both.” He clarified, a boyish shyness about him. He averted his eyes from Robert, too shy to admit that while looking at him straight on. Robert smiled. His exhausted features often struggled to come across as kind, but he tried his best to unfurrow his perpetually stressed brow and let his tired eyes crinkle at their corners. “I-I just-I wanted you to know that.” Waterboy paused, a bashful smile plastered across his beet red face. The smile dropped for a second as his usual nervousness re-took control. “Not for, Like - not for weird reasons! Or. No. It's not that I want YOU to - it's not like the-the information is relevant! I just - I trust you! That's all I mean! You're my friend and- and I want you to know that - know things - about me.”
Robert laughed at the cute way Waterboy floundered, not in a mean way, just out of love of Waterboy's company. He smiled wider than he thought himself capable of. Subconsciously, the hand on Waterboy's back migrated, sliding along the slippery neoprene, meandering its way onto his opposite side. His fingers found purchase along the seam down the side of his skin tight suit, under his underarm, right where his lanky body started to curve inward for the waist. Robert focused on the feeling of the water on his hand. The temperature of the room had rendered it rather cold, but as he kept his hand in place he realised that the water was, on its own, a piping-hot temperature akin to that of blood. It was actually quite a nice feeling once he got past the initial layer of chill. It was strangely comforting.
“Well thank you for telling me, Herm. I'm glad to be your friend.” Robert said, a rare moment of earnestness from the usually sarcastic man. When his eyes hit Waterboy he realised just how bashful the boy was. Between the arm around him and the tender moment, his pale, slimy skin was almost as red as his hair. Robert instinctively recoiled a little bit, his hand leaving Waterboy's back. Before it could fully retract, though, waterboy leaned back into his hand. The lanky man had to awkwardly crane his neck back to feel Robert's touch again, something he either did very shamelessly or without realising. Robert stifled a laugh, his mouth stretching into a pleated smile to avoid making his amusement too obvious.
Robert considered sharing something in turn. It seemed like the polite thing to do in the situation, but he wasn’t sure he had anything to share. He had never cared much to define his sexuality. Sure, he’d dated a few girls when he was in highschool, sucked a few dicks when he was in his twenties, but he’d never had a relationship last more than a few months at best. It had been more than half a decade since he had even considered dating, and far longer since he’d actually done it. He hadn’t exactly realised it, but after a certain point he stopped being a man outside of the mecha. What he wanted, what he liked, what he yearned for - they all stopped existing past those steel walls. Everything he did or thought for years was all in service of catching Shroud, of avenging his father, of being Mecha Man.
Robert frowned, brow furrowed in thought. Was he…kinda gay? It was a strange thought to have. The more he mulled it over, the more he realised that he was definitely bisexual. It wasn’t a new idea to him that he liked men, or that he liked women too, it just felt strange to put into words. In a way it was just a revelation to feel like anything at all.
“...huh. Me too, kid.” He mumbled, not realising he had even spoken it out loud.
“Huh? What do you - are - meaning?” Waterboy asked, visibly flustered.
“Huh?” Robert parroted, blinking back into reality. He cleared his throat, still a bit floored by his sudden moment of self actualization. “Oh, uh. I’m…I’m bisexual too. Feels kinda weird to admit, but, uh, yeah.” He coughed out, his usual sarcasm-ladden monotone hiding most of his awkwardness. He finally eyed Waterboy again, only to see the stupidest grin he had ever seen. Waterboy was beet-red and shaking a bit, but he had a big, earnest, childish smile on his face.
“Oh! Oh wow! Congratu-congrad-yay! Good - I’m - good for you! I… Your secret - stuff- is - it’s secret! With me!” He said with uncontained joy. Robert smiled, entertained by the young man’s unabashed sweetness.
“Thank’s, Waterboy. But honestly…I don’t think I care…. Yeah. No. No, I don’t. I don’t think Prism was far off with her assessment.” Robert said with a chuckle.
“Hah! Haha! Yeah! They should rename - call - us the B team! Because we’re all - mostly - are bisexual! Y-yeah!” Waterboy said, as proud as the nervous wreck could muster.
Robert had to look away from Waterboy’s stupid, cheery face. He checked his watch, realising that his lunch break was almost over and he had barely gotten a snack in.
“Alright, Waterboy. I gotta go. Good talk, though.” Robert said as he stood up, giving Waterboy a friendly pat on the shoulder and wiping off the excess water on his pantleg. He smiled down at him as he opened the closet door, but stopped before he actually left. “Oh, uh. One thing, though. I don’t care who knows I’m bi, or you’re bi, or whatever…but if you’re gonna let people know, make sure to space those facts out. Otherwise, people are gonna think we did a lot more than talk in this closet”
Robert winked as he left for the sole purpose of tormenting his most fragile of colleagues. Closing the door behind him, he had the chance to catch one last glimpse of Waterboy’s eyes widening, jaw dropping, and face reddening even further. Robert laughed to himself, pretending not to hear the strange nervous squealing coming from the other side of the door. It was only fair he got to do a little bullying too.