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"I guess I just... just wanted to let you know... you... you might not hear from me for a while." he murmurs into the phone in a soft, sombre tone as he stares out at the lake.
It's so peaceful here. Blissful almost. Thick white mist circles the trees, enshrouding their silhouetted forms on the other side of the water, perfectly reflected in the barely rippled surface. It was hauntingly beautiful. Almost enough to make him want to stay.
Almost.
It feels so much colder than he'd anticipated. He pulls his hoodie tighter around himself, shuffles his feet against the damp ground as he awaits the response, which begins with a soft chuckle. He hates that. Hates that he's so funny to her.
"Lawrence, I haven't heard from you for a while." Lily points out in her oh-so-casual tone. She's right. He probably shouldn't have even bothered calling. He doesn't really know why he did. He just felt like it was one of the things you were meant to do. "Where the hell have you been?"
"Oh... well... you know how time just sort of... disappears sometimes..." he mumbles. It was a stupid. It was weird, he was weird. Normal people weren't like this, time didn't feel like an uncontrollable snowball to everyone else.
"You know what, you're right." Lily responds to his surprise, though she sounds considerably more lighthearted about it than Lawrence feels. "Time really does fly these days." She pauses for a moment. "You know your niece is almost two already, right?"
"My..." Lawrence responds distantly, confused. He knew he hadn't talked to his family for quite some time, but he was a little surprised by this sudden revelation. "You... had a baby?" Lily didn't really seem like she'd be interested in motherhood, but then again it wasn't like he was ever any good at reading people. Maybe he'd gotten his own sister all wrong.
"Oh, god no, not me, Laurel." she says with another soft titter. "She carried, they got a donor who looks like her wife though." This was all so much for Lawrence; so much information, so much talking. He'd called Lily because he felt she'd be more likely to be awake this late, and he was afraid Laurel would actually get concerned by the message he wanted to send them and try and find out what was wrong or talk him out of it. Now he was feeling so overwhelmed he was wondering if it was a poor choice. "She's beautiful though Lawrence, she has these big green eyes, and she calls me "anninini" because she seems to have smushed "auntie Lily" into one word."
"R-right." Lawrence replies abruptly, responding with anything that might stop the talking. "I mean I'm... sure she is."
"Listen, Lawrie..." she sighs. She only ever called him that when they were kids to get something out of him, and the funniest thing was she used the exact same name when she did that with Laurel. It wasn't really her fault though, she was like all people; fake, manipulative, deceptive. Yet also so outgoing and talkative and normal that sometimes Lawrence couldn't believe they were related. "Look I... I know mom and dad are pretty... over the top about you cutting ties, but... me and Laurel and her family, we'd love to see you for the holidays." Right, those were coming up. He barely even registered that kind of thing anymore. "My boyfriend's hoping to get out of prison for a visit and everything. And you can meet Cam!"
"The... the baby?" he asks quietly, not that it really matters. The last thing he wanted was to go and meet some baby right now, even if they shared DNA, and he didn't particularly want to meet partners of his sisters he didn't know, hell he didn't want to be around any happy couples in general, he just wanted to be alone...
"Yeah, short for Chamomile, isn't it pretty?" Lily gushes. "It really suits her."
"It's... yeah it's nice." he agrees. That doesn't change his opinion on wanting to go and play happy families with practical strangers one iota.
"Bet you're jealous you got the green fingers but no flower name, right?" she teases gently. He doesn't. They all have the same last name anyway, and he thinks it would be a strange thing to care about in general. The things that made Lawrence jealous were vastly different from that. "Are you... with anyone, by the way? You'd be welcome to bring them, just let us know for food and stuff."
"Lily I-I..." Lawrence blurts out, clutching at his forehead. "We're not doing this... I'm... I'm not... I'm not going to be able to come." He looks out at the lake, the already deep blue rendered inky black in the moonlight. "But... no." he also answers. "There... there were people... but they just..." His voice wavers, dropping back to a soft, low croak. "They moved on."
Everyone he cared about left. That was the sickening nature of this life. People were temporary. Everyone died or ran away or found someone better. Someone normal. Someone they could actually "live a life" with. Lawrence couldn't do that, because some part of him had been dead for a long time, even if no-one else could physically see it. He swallows hard.
"Aw... I'm sorry to hear." Lily replies with what sounds like genuine sympathy to both. "Well... just know if you change your mind, our doors are always open lil bro." Another soft laugh. Lawrence frowns at the "little" seeing as he'd outgrown his sisters in height back when they were all teenagers. He's thirty or so now, he thinks. It's hard to keep track when you're not always in your body. "I gotta go but, don't be a stranger, Lawrence."
"Okay... Good... goodb..." he stutters back, though she's hung up before he finishes, an intrusive beep in his ear. "B-bye..." he finally gets out, drawing the phone back and staring at the screen before slotting it back into his pocket, and pulling out a small travel flask of tea, beginning to sip it. It's warm in his mouth and throat despite the long drive here. Something to relax him. Make him drowsy enough that he won't accidentally fight it.
The truth was, despite what Lily said, Lawrence was already a stranger. To his family. To everyone he met. To this world. He didn't belong here. It was time for him to return to The River where he belonged. He just couldn't do it in a river. The crashing currents would carry his body somewhere eventually, and if it grounded, then he might be tempted. Tempted by this deceptive world pretending it was real. Tempted to stay here a little more again. He'd have rotted more if it took a while, too. He'd come back even more wrong.
He had to make sure he wasn't giving himself the choice to return. Because what did he even have to return to? Noise. Pain. Heartbreak. He runs a hand over the rocks in his pockets that he'd collected on his walk here. He didn't want to risk washing up here on the bank either if the wind brought stronger currents. He'd chosen a secluded location just in case someone found him and fished him out. Based on the current serenity of his surroundings, it was a correct choice. Right now it looks so peaceful, still. Beautiful.
Just like The River felt. His mind would be there soon, unbothered by naught but any other poor soul who ended up dying in the vicinity, while his body would rot away fully here, finally breaking down and becoming one with nature like it was supposed to. In colder climes it could take years, decades even, and that was for a normal human, but he has no intention of returning regardless. He finishes the last dregs of the tea and places the flask down onto the ground with a sigh, already feeling the subtle fuzziness in his head indicating it's working. He'll fall asleep here, and wake up there.
Fully-clothed, he begins to walk into the lake, the ice cold water already seeping into the ankles of his sweatpants, but under the effects of the tea he barely even shivers. Not as his calves submerse, or his knees, or his thighs, or his waist. He just keeps stumbling forward into the murky depths, even as the trees start to blur and shift around him.
There may be little to no current physically, but something is pulling him in, something that tugs relentlessly at his soul, taking him to where he belongs.
It was time to wake up from this nightmare.
