Chapter Text
The bright light and whirling that surrounded Donna came to a sudden stop. She carefully opened her eyes to find herself standing in the middle of a reception area in the Library. She looked around, but Lee was nowhere to be seen. She panicked in confusion for a moment, but saw Mr. Lux and then remembered the Doctor.
She ran over to him almost out of breath, “Mr. Lux, where is he? Where’s the Doctor?”
Mr. Lux just looked at her and his face fell. This only increased Donna’s concern. She nearly yelled, “Mr. Lux, WHERE is he??”
Mr. Lux knew there would be no way to argue with her. He walked around the other side of the desk, “He’s at the Data core.”
Donna asked indignantly, “The what?”
He looked at her, “The Data Core.”
Donna was still confused and said louder, “The what?”
He realized that she had not been there when the Doctor had explained everything to them. “Come with me. I’ll show you.”
Donna was getting more worried about the Doctor with each passing moment. Mr. Lux’s somber mood was doing nothing for her nerves. He led her down to the lower levels and to a hallway, he gestured, “He should be that way… I have to get back upstairs and help people transport away, can you find your way back?”
Donna nodded dumbly. She could tell he had no desire to be there and she wondered what that meant she would find. She walked down the hall and turned the corner and that’s when she saw him. The Doctor’s spiky hair and blue suit a giveaway that it was him. His left arm was at an angle. She would have thought it was to hold his head, but his head was cocked to the other side. Donna could not contain the gasp that escaped her as she thought the Doctor was dead. She ran to get in front of him. Knowing there would be nothing she could do, but she just wanted to comfort him one last time. As she got closer she saw his eyes were open and focused on something else. She took a gulp of hope and waved her hand in front of his face, “Doctor?”
He did not reply and then she followed his gaze and saw the slumped body of Professor River Song. Blood was coming out of her ears, nose and mouth. There were even tracks of blood streaming from her eyes. Donna covered her mouth and said, “Oh my go-!”
She looked back to him, with desperate hope rested her hand on his shoulder and applied pressure as she spoke louder, “Doctor!”
He inhaled, but did not take his eyes away from River. Donna sighed with relief that he was still alive and then noticed why his arm was at such an odd angle: it was handcuffed to a pole. Then she noticed the chafing and bruising on his wrist from where he had obviously tried to get out of it. She turned back to face him and said his name again. Still, she received no reply, “Doctor, come on you’re scaring me.”
She was kneeling right in front of him now, blocking his view of River, “Doctor? Doctor, please. Say something? Look at me?”
She was panicked again and so slapped him across the cheek. It was not as hard as she had in the past, but it was enough to get a reaction out of him, even if it was a bit melancholy, “So what did I do to you to deserve that?”
Donna was too pleased having gotten any reply out of him to be upset, “Oh, Doctor!”
She carefully draped her arms around him in a hug. After a few moments he spoke again, “Donna?”
He paused when she did not reply, “Donna? Can you get me my Sonic? I think my arm’s gonna fall asleep at this angle.”
Donna inhaled, reached for his sonic and gave it to him. She gave him a few moments to set himself free. He then moved past her and went to River’s body. The Doctor gently removed the electrode from her head. He then took a handkerchief out of his pocket and began to gently wipe the blood away. Donna leaned back against the wall for support and just watched, knowing there was nothing she could do. She was surprised that he never once spoke the words, “I’m sorry,” and wondered what had transpired that would lead to this reaction of his.
She also noted that he did not cry. When he had wiped most of the blood away, he stuffed the handkerchief into his pocket and stepped down from the platform. With that, Donna wordlessly approached him and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him into a tight and proper hug. He did not exactly reciprocate and after a few moments he took her hand and began to move them away from the core.
On their way back up, he gave Donna the brief version of what had happened after she was taken. Then she explained everything that had happened to her. When they got back to the reception area, they informed Mr. Lux about Professor Song and he said he would take care of everything from there. The Doctor also informed him of the deal he had made with the Vashta Nerada. Mr. Lux nodded and informed them, they would start transporting everyone off of the Library immediately. The Doctor then encouraged Donna to look around to see if she could find Lee. She looked at him for a brief moment, wondering if he was trying to get rid of her. He placed a hand on her shoulder, “Go on, I’ll wait for you over there.”
He gestured with his eyes to a wall, “Go on, you need to do this for you.”
After uploading River to the Data Core, the Doctor returned to the reception area and sent Donna back to the TARDIS. He would stay behind and make sure everyone got off the planet. Donna suspected he also wanted to say his farewells to River out of sight of everyone, so she did not protest. She used her key to open the doors and the comforting welcome of the TARDIS’ hum greeted her. She briefly thought of going to her room, but decided that it would be better to wait for the Doctor. No, matter how much she was hurting, she knew he was hurting too and sometimes just the presence of another person made that sort of pain bearable.
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The faint bit of hope faded from the Doctor’s face after he snapped his fingers and the TARDIS doors closed. Donna made her way over to sit on the jump-seat. The Doctor made his way around the console making adjustments so they could head into the Vortex. It would not be long before the Vashta Nerada took over the Library again. He was watching Donna and was reminded of how lost and forlorn she had looked when Lance had revealed that he did not love her. Only this time, he felt as miserable as she did and there was no need to go to the creation of the Earth. Not that he would anyway; they already seen that, no need to see it again.
The Doctor put the TARDIS into the Vortex by pressing one of the presets. He looked up at the Time Rotor, its color muted. The walls appeared more dull-yellow than bright golden, so even the TARDIS was subdued to match their moods. He did not know what to say. They were both hurting and there was no need to rehash the earlier “Are you alright” conversation. He walked by Donna and reached out his hand. With a nod of his head he spoke, “Come on, I think we could both do with a rest.”
Donna reluctantly took his hand, “I don’t think I can sleep after…”
The Doctor smiled sadly, “Who said anything about sleeping? I said rest.”
He tugged her hand to encourage her to walk with him. He led her through the TARDIS to an area she had never seen before. He stood before a door and swallowed thickly. “No one’s seen this before. At least not since the War. And it has changed since the last time I showed it to anyone.”
Donna did not have to ask, “What war?”
She could tell by the look on his face exactly what war he was talking about. He continued, “I used to come here sometimes, when everything seemed too overwhelming.”
“Doctor,” Donna spoke softly and with concern, “You don’t have to do this for me… I’ll be fine.”
A small smile toyed at the corners of his lips, “I know… I want to.”
He saw a loose strand of hair that had come free from her pony tail and he tucked it behind her ear. “Besides,” he finally spoke again, “Isn’t that what friends do? Share things when they’re hurting?”
Donna looked into the Doctor’s eyes. She was speechless. Usually she had to pull teeth to get him to say anything and this time he was going to share something without the request. She could only nod. He placed his hand on the knob and opened the door. He placed his other hand in the small of her back to escort her in. There was a small basket next to the entrance that he picked up as he closed the door, “Come on,” he offered his hand to her.
Donna was amazed at what she saw and could not move for a moment. When she spoke she did not have to ask where she was, she looked down at her feet as if she was standing on sacred ground. She finally met his eyes and spoke haltingly, “But… this is… your…”
The Doctor simply nodded and took her hand, “Come on, there’s a nice spot, just over there.”
They walked across the red grass under the burnt-orange sky. One sun had nearly set and the other appeared to have a couple hours to go. There was a soft tingling from the trees around them and Donna realized it was the sliver leaves rustling in the gentle breeze. The Doctor released her hand, set the basket down and began to dig through it. He produced a blanket and some simple picnic food, though he doubted either would feel like eating. As he spread the blanket out, Donna finally found her voice, “This is beautiful. And we’re still on the TARDIS?”
The Doctor nodded solemnly, “It is one of the TARDIS Gardens. I haven’t been here in years. Before the Time War, there wasn’t much need and since… Has been too…” He broke off, unwilling or unable to finish his thought.
Donna only nodded her understanding. “Too hard,” she thought to herself.
The Doctor sat down on the blanket, leaned against a tree and patted the space next to him as way to encourage Donna. She sat next to him, looked at the food and tried to lighten the mood, “Thought you said you hadn’t been here in years. That food safe, then?”
The Doctor replied with mock indignation, “Oi! The TARDIS would never provide any food that would harm us.”
But a small smile quickly followed his words. He finished with, “Help yourself if you’re hungry, I’m not sure I am.”
Donna noticed a thermos and two cups and poured tea for each of them. The Doctor’s knees were bent; he rested his arms on them and held the cup between his hands. He looked off in the distance. He took a sip of the tea and decided his stomach was too unsettled to really enjoy it. Donna leaned back against the tree, her own cup completely untouched. When Donna spoke, she sounded as if she was in some far off place as well, “We’re never gonna be the same again, after this. But then, I ‘spose we’re the sum of our experiences, aren’t we?”
The Doctor found one of Donna’s hands with his own, squeezed it gently, but said nothing in reply. Donna sighed. She was tired but she knew she would not be able to sleep. She did not really want to be alone right now anyway. She figured since the Doctor’s life is always like this; it explained why he never seems to sleep. She leaned against his shoulder and thought, “It’s not exactly comfortable; he’s a bit skinny for that...”
The Doctor sighed heavily while thinking, “Sometimes the best way to get a hug is to give one.”
He released her hand and slid his arm around her shoulders, encouraging her to rest her head on his chest. She wrapped her arms around his middle as he rubbed circles on her back.
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It was not long before both the Doctor and Donna were having a good cry. Her over what she had lost, because she still remembered it, so it had to have been real. She was doing her best not to remember Lance and how maybe this would always happen to her whenever she fell in love with someone. He was crying over everything, really. So much had happened. So many people lost to him, AGAIN, with what seemed like very little breaks in between. Neither of them cried loudly. There was no whaling or gnashing of teeth. There were just bitter, sad and mourn-filled tears.
When they had finally calmed down, they did not move from their positions for a long time. Each fell into a light slumber, though neither would have admitted it. The second sun had almost set and the gentle breeze had picked up. Donna, in her short sleeves, shuddered at the change in temperature. The Doctor looked down on her and gently tapped her shoulder, “You’re getting cold, come on, let’s go back.”
She did not move, but replied, “Yeah, then what? Not much back there.”
The Doctor sighed lightly, “We can’t very well hide here forever. Besides, I think I want some toast, how about you?”
She stirred a bit and met his eyes, “I just wanna be warm again.”
Somehow he knew she was not talking about the temperature, but he did not press. He nodded his head and they both packed everything into the basket. He reached out for her hand, somehow contact was needed right now. She looked relieved and offered a gentle squeeze. They each had lost so much. Contact was the only thing that seemed to ground them in this moment. As long as there was contact, there was the reality that the other was not going to leave.
They made their way to the kitchen. Donna sat down at the table and the Doctor went about making some toast. He did not ask her if she wanted any, he simply made enough for both of them. He set out some jams and butter then went about boiling some water for tea. Donna watched him. She could tell he was making enough for her, but she knew better than to try and stop him. He was taking care of her, in his own way, and after everything that had happened, she was not about to take that small thing away from him.
They ate in silence. Each forcing themselves to eat, hoping the other would feel more encouraged to eat if they were. Donna had eaten a full slice of toast before she decided that her stomach would rebel against her if she ate anymore. She set her plate aside and began to nurse her tea. She looked at him as she spoke, “I’m sorry about earlier.”
Her voice stirred the Doctor out of whatever thoughts he was having and he met her eyes as he replied, “What? Oh! Don’t worry about it.”
Donna looked down and shrugged, “Still I was all focused on… me and that wasn’t fair.”
At that, the Doctor reached across the table and took one of Donna's hands in his own. "Donna, look at me."
With hesitation, she raised her eyes and met his. He continued, "I had a few hours... you had what seemed like years."
"But it wasn't," she started to interrupt.
He shook his head and gave her hand a gentle squeeze, "But it seemed like years to you. You fell in love, got married and had children... You have a right to be upset over losing all of that. What I lost? Well, she was right; I have all that ahead of me yet."
In that moment, Donna wondered if she would ever understand this time travel business. She swallowed and replied, "Do you think the TARDIS could..." but the question died on her lips.
She knew she would never leave the Doctor. Not now, after all they have been through together. He knew the rest of the question without her asking it and he saw the thoughts flash across her expressions. He moved so quickly, it caught both of them off guard. He was holding her in a tight embrace, it was a way for him to thank her for choosing him, but also because he knew what came next. It was the part he always fought so hard to hide from everyone else.
She started to weep. It was different than how she had been in the Gardens. There was a mixture of regret this time as she realized that she had considered, even fleetingly, leaving the Doctor. As she started to regain control of her voice, she was repeating, "I'm sorry" over and over again.
The Doctor was doing all he could not to calm her tears, but to calm her sorrow and regret. He knew it was her grief talking. How many times had he wanted to talk to the TARDIS about how he could return to Gallifrey? She had found a husband, a home and children in the span of a few hours. But he knew that to her, they were years. He did not blame her at all for wanting any of that back. As he knelt there, holding her in his arms, he realized that they now had a great deal in common. He looked at her and realized: they were now equals in a way none of his other companions had been, save perhaps, for Susan.