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When she first realized, she thought it was just temporary – the kind of crush many people developed on their boss, simply from spending so much time together and reading too many romance novels (escapism, he called it escapism, he didn’t laugh at me – stop it).
But no – if there was one thing that had been proven again and again, if only to Barbara herself – very thankfully only to Barbara herself – it was that she was, indeed, in love with Thomas Lynley.
Thomas – never Tommy, not even in her mind. For one, because she actually preferred it and if they – she cut the thought short – she would have called him Thomas, that was all, and two, because friends and family and… other people called him Tommy. So she never would. She had to keep her distance – in some way – or she would –
And then her mother died, and she became aware that even though she had out her in a home, in the back of her mind there had always been… she had always been there. And yes, they had had their differences, especially after Terry died, but…
Lynley noticed she was distracted, of course. He would not have been Lynley if he hadn’t.
“Barbara, is everything alright?”
“Oh yes, sir, don’t worry about little old me.” Especially now, when he had just started seeing Sarah – she would like to pretend that she tended to forget her name, but it was simply not true – she was always going to remember, she could probably make a list of all the women he’d been going out with since – Helen, and it would be a more complete list than anything he could come up with – but the point was, she was fine because she always was, because she had to be.
He glanced at her from the corner of his eye – of course he was driving, and she had let him know early on what she thought of those who took their gaze off the road – and thankfully said nothing.
After her mother’s funeral, there was little she could do but become more and more aware just how deeply she had fallen. What she had wished was only a crush was indeed something much stronger, something she refused to name because that would only bring –
She thought Sarah was history, she couldn’t be sure, but there would be others, and eventually one would stay because this was after all a title and a mansion they were talking about (plus the man – she shouldn’t forget about the man for the simple reason that she never could) so really, it was only a matter of time –
She tried to be a good sergeant, and a good friend. It was all she ever could be.
She was spending a quite evening at home when suddenly, her doorbell rang.
She should have known who it was. He was the only one who ever came to visit her, after all.
“Barbara, may I come in?”
As if she would ever deny him.
She offered him a drink which he accepted – she really ought not to have, remembering… but what was done was done, and at least here, she could make sure that he didn’t drink too much.
“Sorry I don’t have much – I’m used to being alone.”
He looked at her, then said softly, “Barbara, you’re not alone.”
And she knew – knew that he considered them friends, and that it ought to be enough for her, and that after a while, just a little while, it would be again, it had been for so long now –
It was just that tonight, at this very moment, she wanted him to prove that shew as not alone, wanted him to look at her thew ay he looked at other women, laugh and charm her and pull her close –
It would never happen of course, but that didn’t make her want him any less. And as someone who had rarely ever wanted like this before, and had looked forward to slipping into middle age without ever having to deal with such passions, she had no idea –
And then he cleared his throat. “I – there’s a reason I came here – you see, when we split up, Sarah saw it fit to point out a few things.”
She waited.
“Mainly that I could hardly expect things to work out with anyone but – that is to say, I can’t think that will actually – it’s hardly possible as long as –“ he broke off. “I have never been good with those – oh, Barabara, sod it all. You’re too – you’ll just tell me how it is. I love you. Do you think you might come to love me, over time?”
She would have thought he was drunk or lying, if not for the expression in his eyes.
And she told him the truth, and she felt his kiss upon her lips, and she knew she would never be alone again.