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Xie Lian should have known today would be a hard day when he woke up gasping, feeling the stickiness of sweat clinging to his skin, shivering despite the warm summer night.
“I pray to never rest in peace.”
No, Sang Lang, don't leave me!
“It is my honor to die for his highness in battle.”
Please! I can’t lose you again!
Thousands of butterflies exploded outwards, flying and dispersing in every direction, one remaining behind, to wish him goodbye. Then he was left all alone. The last kiss he shared with San Lang kept playing in his eyes. He would be back though. He promised he would return. So Xie Lian waited. It was the least he could do. San Lang waited 800 years for him, Xie Lian would wait however long it took for him to return.
Years passed. Xie Lian repaired the shrine, ever expanding, adding a rooms big enough for two, a garden, and a small armory, all made while awaiting San Lang’s return. Xie Lian had burnt down San Lang’s palace a couple times now, It was only right to try and improve the shrine to his tastes.
Xie Lian swore he saw silver butterflies in the corner of his eyes every so often, but they were always gone when he turned.
After years and years of waiting ,of loneliness, he built a newer, smaller shrine next to their home. One dedicated solely to the Crimson Rain Sought Flower.
One day during his prayer time, he knelt before a lit incense, pleading for San Lang to return safely, when a youth with black hair and covered face kneeled next to him.
Xie Lian clapped his hands once, before he opened his eyes and glanced towards the presence. It was…Wu Ming? “W-wu ming! San La-”
Xie Lian has been moving to envelop the youth in an embrace, but Wu Ming held a hand up to stop him, the white mask on his face making Xie Lian's body go stiff.
“Your ‘San Lang’ is not coming back. You took everything from him, all the power he had to offer, did you really think he would come back from that?”
Xie Lian could feel the tears begin to sting at his eyes “I could spend a thousand years repenting and it would never be enough.” He bowed his head, kowtowing towards the man.
“You should have known. It's your fault he won't return. If you weren't so pathetic you wouldn't have needed the power. You're worthless. Without him, you couldn't save anyone. Not even yourself.”
-
Xie Lian shook his head frantically, trying to block the words ringing in his ears, their lingering presence unable to be stopped by the effort of his hands alone.
Xie Lian took deep, shaking breaths as he attempted to calm himself. Hua Cheng was fine, he came back, he was right-
He wasn't in bed.
Hua Cheng wasn't here? He- he had come home though, hadn’t he?
Xie Lian looked to his husband’s bedside, seeing a pair of dice sitting there neatly, atop a scribbled note.
Ghost city! Xie Lian didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He had been the one that insisted his husband check on his city and its residents, as they had been residing at Puqi shrine for quite a while, after such a long absence they would be elated to see him. He was invited to accompany Hua Cheng on the trip, but Xie Lian elected to remain at the shrine to tend to the crops and take care of any heavenly projects assigned to him.
Hua Cheng would be back in just a few incense time, they would be reunited soon.
With a tired sigh, Xie Lian stood from his bed, unraveling himself from sweat soaked sheets, grimacing at the state of them. He would need to wash these, and as the likelihood of him falling asleep was slim to none, Xie Lian gathered the sheets in arms, and made his way to the river.
It was only once he finished washing and was hanging the sheets that Xie Lian noticed the silver butterfly fluttering above him.
He could feel his heart stuttering for a moment, and without thinking, he fled inside, back to his now bare bed.
His breath came out only in short gasps, as Xie Lian grasped at his neck, holding on desperately, until Rouye smacked his hands away, taking their place and curling up around his neck, squeezing gently, until his breathing evened out.
“T-thank you Rouye.” He pet the bandage gently, allowing his fingers to dance along its surface as it shivered, clearly pleased with itself.
Xie Lian saw no point in getting back up, and resigned himself to laying in bed until his body regained the strength to continue with the day. Rouye remained wrapped around his neck where the shackle used to be, cuddling into him, as he mindlessly fiddled with Hua Cheng's ashes in his other hand, relishing in the feeling of its familiar surface.
It was only once daylight broke through the windows that Xie Lian forced himself to get up and prepare for Hua Cheng's return. Bathing himself, making the bed with the newly dried sheets, now smelling faintly of grass and flowers, before he went about making a pot of congee so his husband would have a meal to return to.
Guilt churned in his gut when he realized just how little work he had gotten done during his husband's absence. “You're worthless.”
Wu Ming’s words played in his head on repeat as Xie Lian stirred the pot distractedly. He should’ve done more. He should do more.
It was with this thought in mind that he began to deep clean the shrine. There wasn’t very much to do, but he had to do something of benefit.
He had just gotten to scrubbing the spaces between the wood floors when Xie Lian distantly heard the door open, though he paid it no mind, instead focusing on his task. It was only when a hand landed on his hair that he jolted back, eyes wide. San Lang was standing above him, a small smirk on his face.
It took Xie Lian a moment to process who was in front of him before he stood quickly, wrapping his husband in a tight embrace. “San Lang! Welcome back! How was the ghost city? I’m certain your subjects must've been thrilled to see your safe return!”
San Lang chuckled, returning his embrace, resting his chin on Xie Lian’s head. “They were as unbearably clingy as always, Gege. I’m far more curious about how you are. It’s been far too long that we were apart.” Hua Cheng glanced around at the shining floorboards and the newly dusted windows. “It seems you’ve been busy at work as well.”
Xie Lian laughed nervously, fiddling with Rouye, who was wrapped around his arm, with his thumb and forefinger. “Ah, I’m doing fine, just fine. Anyway you must be hungry! I made some food! Come, come, eat!” Xie Lian loathed lying to his husband, but the ghost had suffered enough from Xie Lian’s loose tongue and poor decisions, he didn’t deserve to be burdened with something so foolish.
Xie Lian could see a gentle frown flicker across Hua Cheng’s face before he could fully pull away from his embrace, turning away.
Xie Lian led the way to their small kitchen, serving Hua Cheng a bowl of the congee before making himself a bowl and sitting next to him.
They ate in companionable silence, Hua Cheng humming a familiar tune while he ate.
“How is the food? I tried a new spice this time!”
Hua Cheng chuckled, spooning another bite into his mouth. “It’s delicious, Gege.” He tapped his chin for a moment, considering. “Perhaps a little more salt next time?”
“Got it!”
His husband finished his bowl before Xie Lian had even finished half of his own, and began to inch closer.
“You know, I worked very hard in ghost city.”
Xie Lian nodded seriously “I know he did! My husband always works hard for his people.”
Hua Cheng inched closer “And I didn’t yell at E-Ming even once while I was away either.”
Xie Lian raised a brow at that. “Really? Well that really is incredible! I’m so proud of you!”
The ghost had moved right in front of Xie Lian’s face at this point, his smirk only growing.
“Your San Lang is so tired from the effort he put in. Don’t you think he deserves some sort of…reward for all his good behavior?”
Xie Lian’s face flushed red as his husband leaned forwards to capture Xie Lian's lips to his own.
“It would seem I went a bit overboard”
“I’m just taking a little rest, Gege. Don't be afraid.”
Hua Cheng always gave him spiritual energy whenever their mouths met, it was a habit at this point, but what if he took too much. Would San Lang even tell him if he was nearing empty? He was tired, what if that meant he was low on spiritual energy! He couldn’t- not again-
With a stuttered breath, Xie Lian swiftly moved to the side, planting a quick kiss on his husband's cheek before rocketing to his feet.
“I-I um, I’m sorry I just, uh, received a prayer! I have to go to the heavens right away!” Xie Lian backed away quickly towards the door, heart hammering far too quickly in his chest.
Hua Cheng sat frozen, looking surprised, and hurt by Xie Lian's quick retreat. “Gege? Are you alright? Did this one offend you? I didn’t mean to pressure you.” Hua Cheng stood from the chair, before getting down on one knee.
“No! Of course not! You did nothing wrong at all! Please don’t apologize! I just, uh, simply can’t delay is all! I’ll be back later, promise! Love you, goodbye San Lang!” With that Xie Lian bolted out of the food, leaving a confused Hua Cheng behind.
----
For the next few days, that was the routine between him and Hua Cheng. Their days would go as usual, helping the villagers, tending to the garden and their new chicken coop, cleaning, answering prayers, eating together, occasionally reading under a tree or having a picnic, and retiring to bed, limbs tangled, comfortably slotting together. Xie Lian waiting for Hua Cheng to fall asleep before grabbing a book out of the nearby shelf and reading until the sun rose. But whenever Hua Cheng went in for a kiss, Xie Lian couldn’t stop himself from turning his head to take it on the cheek instead.
It felt like torture, but he could’t risk hurting him, not again.
He could tell his husband was catching on, initiating contact far less than usual, and looking rather glum. He kept asking him if something was wrong, but Xie Lian was insistent that everything was fine. And it was! His San Lang was safe and healthy and they were together. That’s what mattered. At least to Xie Lian.
His husband however, seemed to be of a different opinion.
-
“Dianxia. You look tired, why don’t we take a nap? It’s nice out, you can rest on this servant's lap if you wish.”
Xie Lian smiled at the ghost, before giving a shake of his head and returning his focus to weeding. In all honesty he was exhausted, but whenever he tried to sleep, it was always the memory of his husband's death, and the years without him that followed. Xie Lian knew that that was a different reality than their own, but it still haunted his waking hours.
Hua Cheng frowned, his eye wrinkling with concern. “Gege, I think it would be a good idea to take a break at least. We’ve been at this for hours-”
Xie Lian gasped, the time flew so quickly that he hadn’t noticed. Xie Lian grabbed Hua Cheng’s hand, trying to squeeze an apology into it. “Is San Lang tired!? Ah, please forgive this one, I truly lost track of time. We can head inside if you want.”
Hua Cheng’s eyes bore into him before he received a small nod “En. It seems I can’t keep up with my god’s stamina. Please forgive this lowly servant.”
Xie Lian frowned, flicking his husband's forehead. “Don’t speak that way about my husband, my San Lang is anything but ‘lowly’. And there’s no need to apologize! If you're tired of course you should get some rest. Let's head in.”
The ghost king squeezed his hand, leading the way inside and to the bedroom. Xie Lian turned around as Hua Cheng undressed, waiting for the rustling of clothing to stop before turning back around.
The ghost king was watching him with his eye crinkled, gaze full of amusement. “Ah, Gege knows he need not turn when I'm changing. This one surely doesn’t mind the audience.”
Xie Lian’s cheeks flushed, ears burning. “Ah San Lang! I- I simply wanted to give you some privacy.” He managed to squeak out his response, his hands covering his face, waving frantically.
Hua Cheng chuckled before they both went silent, this lasted for only a moment before Xie Lian started to make his exit. “Get some rest!” Xie Lian raises his arm and rolls back his sleeves, “I'll finish our work outside!”
“Dianxia, wait.”
Xie Lian turned back towards his husband, who was sitting up in bed, patting the spot beside him. “Would Gege grace me with his presence?”
“Ah, San Lang, I’m not very tired right now-” Xie Lian’s lie was cut off by Hua Cheng.
“I find sleep comes easier with his highness close by. Would you humor such a request?”
Xie Lian hesitated for just a moment, slipping off his outer robe and climbing under the covers with his husband. It was at this moment Hua Cheng quickly took the opportunity to tuck him into his chest, holding Xie Lian close.
“S-San Lang what? It can’t be comfortable to lay this way for you.”
“Shh, I’m comfortable so long as Dianxia is in my arms. Now close your eyes.”
Xie Lian tried to sit up, but when a steady hand made its way to hair and started gently massaging his scalp, the eyes he so desperately fought to keep open, closed despite his protests.
San Lang started to hum a soft song, chest vibrating with the notes as Xie Lian sank into his husband's arms, body relaxing.
“Sleep, Gege.”
And his mind went silent.
--
Years went by. San Lang never showed up. Wu Ming didn’t either. There were no butterflies in the corner of his eyes. He was just gone.
Xie Lian waited hundreds of years for his return.
He never came home.
“G-”
He was all alone again.
“Your H-”
He missed him. Xie Lian curled into himself. Feng Xin appeared at his side, already grasped in his hand.
“-ge!”
Xie Lian was the reason he was gone. Everyone he loved died because of him. He was selfish. He didn’t want to spend another hundred years alone.
He couldn't.
He raised the sword high, it felt heavy. It was angled right above his stomach.
With as much strength as his body could muster, he thrust it down with all his might.
“Dianxia!”
-
Xie Lian awoke with a gasp, feeling hands grasp his shoulders with a punishing grip.
“Gege! Are you alright?” Hua Cheng was there, holding him, eye wide and frantic.
“S-San Lang?” Xie Lian coughed, his throat dry and aching.
“I’ll fetch you some water.” With that, his husband left the room.
Xie Lian worked to take deep breaths, trying to call the incessant shake of his hands.
Hua Cheng returned as quickly as he had left, pushing a bowl of water to his lips.
“Slowly.”
Xie Lian followed his instruction, taking slow drinks despite how the dryness in his throat begged for quick reprieve.
Once the bowl was empty, Hua Cheng placed it gently on the table by their bedside.
“Dianxia, what happened?”
“Ah, nothing. Just a silly dream, don’t worry about me San Lang.”
Hua Cheng stared at him “You were crying out in your sleep-.” San Lang reached forwards and traced what must have been tear tracks. “-You are crying. Please, tell me what’s wrong.”
Xie Lian shook his head frantically, pushing himself back and up, standing now. “No! Nothing's wrong! I'm fine! It was just a nightmare San Lang-!”
“Please don’t think me a fool Dianxia. You haven't been sleeping. You've been working too hard. You… won't return my affections.”
Xie Lian froze. “I- I haven't, I've just been busy.”
Hua Cheng's face dropped noticeably, becoming morose. “Did this one offend you? If I hurt you somehow, I will repent in any way. Please just tell me what I’ve done and how to help.”
“No! No you didn't do anything! You've been fine! I'm fine San Lang! Really!”
Hua Cheng frowned, standing up and stepping towards him carefully. “You aren't. You're struggling Dianxia. Please, share your burdens.”
“I am! I am fine! It's all fine!” Xie Lian was yelling now, backing away slowly as Hua Cheng got closer.
“If you were then why not sleep!? Why push yourself to your limits?! Why do you keep pushing me away?!”
“I- I don't know what you're talking about! Drop it Hua Cheng!” His husband looked somewhat shocked at the use of his name, but stubbornly refused to drop the matter.
“You do! Why do you lie to yourself?! Your burdens don't have to be yours alone anymore! Please just let me help!”
Xie Lian tried to bolt out the door, but Hua Cheng grabbed his arm, pinning his wrists to the wall as he leaned down, breath tickling his cheek.
His husband’s deep voice murmured in his ear. “Why won’t you let yourself be happy, Xie Lian?”
It was this that snapped Xie Lian's fragile control, tears started pouring down his cheeks, sobs desperately trying to escape his throat as he gasped.
His knees gave out, sending him falling to the floor, Hua Cheng caught him under the arms and slowly went down with him, holding him together with a gentle touch.
“Please, let your husband help. Share what troubles you with this servant.”
Xie Lian's throat caught as he forced the words out “I’m sorry, I'm sorry, so so sorry.“
Hua Cheng tugged him closer, hugging him to his chest as the sobs stuck in his throat finally came free.
The hand tracing his spine, trailing up and down his back were the only thing to keep his mind grounded to reality.
After his sobs trailed off, he took a deep breath, leaning into his husband.
“I-I’m sorry for such a pitiful display.”
Hua Cheng shook his head “Hush now, his highness need not apologize. Please, won't you tell me what's wrong?”
Xie Lian took a shaking breath. “I-I'm afraid.”
Hua Cheng made a questioning noise, a hand moving to fix the stray hairs that had fallen out of place.
“I'm scared I'm going to lose you again.”
The hand on his back stilled.
“Gege-”
The words started pouring out of him. “I'm afraid of the nightmares I have every night. I'm scared that one day I'll wake up and my nightmares were reality after all, that you never came home to me. I'm terrified that one day you may disappear and never return! I'm afraid that I'll kill you too. Everyone I've loved has died, but you keep coming back, you say you'll always be here but you were so close to not returning to me. You've died three times. All because of me. I can't lose you too. What if when I kiss you, that's the energy that kills you?! You never tell me when you’re tired, San Lang! What if next time I’m so selfish as to keep taking and taking from you, I finally take the last of what you have to give. I can't lose you, not again, please.”
Xie Lian's breaths were shallow, coming out in short gasps, the tears that had just only stopped, started falling again, flowing faster than before while Xie Lian grasped at Hua Cheng’s sleeves desperately.
Hua Cheng suddenly tucked his hands under Xie Lian's knees, holding him close as he stood and made way back to their bed.
Hua Cheng placed him on the mattress, settling next to him soon after, and holding Xie Lian close. He huddled into Hua Cheng’s chest, hiding his face among the red silks.
“Your Highness.”
Xie Lian shook his head against Hua Cheng's chest.
“Gege, please look at me.”
A gentle hand raised his chin towards his husband, their eyes met, and Hua Cheng looked down at him, looking worried, and unbelievably guilty.
“Please, allow me to help.” His husband was begging, and who was Xie Lian to deny him.
Xie Lian sniffled. “En. But how?”
Hua Cheng held him tighter. “Gege says he's afraid of this one's death. Of losing…me?”
Xie Lian opened his mouth to cut in, but a quick tightening of the arms around him silenced his protests.
“I will always be here to oust those fears. No matter what happens. En, it is possible I may have to depart for a time if it becomes necessary, but I will never, ever, leave you. I promise, I will do my best to tell you whenever my energy is low, so you need not worry about such things any longer. And regarding what happened then, It was our only option, it was my choice, and it was my honor.”
Xie Lian cut in with a wavering tone “I’m not worth dying for Hua Cheng! Not once let alone three times! I'm afraid it will take you dying once more to realize that!”
Hua Cheng's eye went wide, before narrowing to an angry slit, and Xie Lian could see Hua Cheng swallowing harshly, Adam's apple bobbing with the movement.
“You are worth everything and more that this world has to offer and more. The fools that have made you think such a way don’t deserve you. You are worth so much more than this one's life-.”
Xie Lian cut in with a panicked noise but Hua Cheng barreled on. “-However I know his highness would never agree with such a sentiment. My beloved Gege has such a big heart, and hates to see those around him suffer like the vermin they are, no matter how much they deserve it.” This earned a frustrated grumble from Xie Lian, and a chuckle from Hua Cheng.
“You’ve endured so much pain that this one has failed to protect you from, and yet you remain as kind as always. You’ve the right to burn this world and the next to the ground, and you choose to help its inhabitants instead, unworthy as they are.”
“S-San Lang!-” A dark blush grew on Xie Lian’s face as he retreated to the shoulder of Hua Cheng’s robes, surely staining the silk robes with his slow falling tears. “D-did you have a point or are you simply trying to embarrass your poor husband?”
Hua Cheng shifted, planting a kiss on Xie Lian’s forehead, before beginning to pepper kisses on the crown of his head, making his way down, sucking gently on Xie Lian’s neck as he squirmed in place.
The kisses stopped when Xie Lian began to pant, hands gripping his husband's robes in a vice hold. At the sudden halt in movement, he looked up, his eyes meeting Hua Cheng’s as his dark eye was focused solely on him, crinkling fondly before pressing one last, gentle kiss to Xie Lian’s forehead.
Xie Lian hadn't even realized his tears had stopped flowing during his husband’s onslaught.
“These fears, entrust them to me, Gege. I fear I have neglected you for far too long, but I will make sure you understand just how much you deserve. It is my duty, as your humble servant, and as your husband.” Xie Lian, face flushed, and nodded slightly, barely distinguishable to anyone who wasn’t paying close attention. Xie Lian knew Hua Cheng would notice however, his husband was always watching him attentively.
“For now, let's rest. Both of us. If any nightmares dare to plague you I will chase them away myself.”
Xie Lian chuckled, suddenly exhausted from the conversation. “Ah, San Lang is so insincere."
Hua Cheng moved closer, his body now flush against Xie Lian and pushed Xie Lian to lay on the bed properly, covering them both with soft sheets. “I promise, your highness will not find another person more sincere than me.”
Xie Lian’s eyes began to close, but this time, he didn’t fight it. He simply curled into Hua Cheng’s chest, arms enclosing his waist, and allowed darkness to overtake his vision.
“Please place your trust in this one Gege. You need not worry any longer.”
Xie Lian went to sleep, heart feeling a little lighter. If nothing else, Xie Lian knew he could always trust Hua Cheng.
He slept without nightmares for the first time in weeks, waking well rested, with his husband curled against him, never once leaving his side.
Xie Lian trusted him, and he knew his San Lang would never betray that trust. It was foolish of him to ever doubt the man who had followed him out of love, worry and devotion for all these years.
-
As soon as Xie Lian saw Hua Cheng wake up, tiredly blinking. The last few weeks had been agony, constantly dodging Hua Cheng's affections, It was only after their conversation that Xie Lian realized how foolish he had been. It was with this in mind that Xie Lian decided he would wait no longer and pulled his husband forward, kissing him with perhaps more force than necessary, until they were both out of breath, panting.
After a moment of silence, neither one of them moving, Xie Lian was prepared to throw himself to the floor, prostrating apologies for such inappropriate actions. It was only when he felt soft hands lift his head that he was able to meet his husband's gaze.
Hua Cheng’s eye had narrowed to a predatory slit, a smirk tugging at his lips, as he kissed Xie Lian back with far more fervor than Xie Lian had managed, slipping his tongue into the kiss in a way that was almost reminiscent of the “Incident” of Mount Tonglu opening, all while pining his arms to the bed with a hand. His husband didn't allow him to move, biting and kissing every inch of skin he could access while Xie Lian did his best to reciprocate, breathing hard.
It was in this moment that Xie Lian couldn’t be bothered to concern himself with anything anymore, entrusting everything he was to his husband, and allowing himself to just relish in this moment.