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The phone rang out. It'd been doing that for days. James never picked up. Never declined the call either. It always rang six times, then went to voicemail. As predictably as it rang out, Sirius left a message.
"Moony blocked me." His voice cracked and his hand tugged at his hair so hard it drew a pained whimper out of him. "I know, I know he has a right to but I'd rather just be ignored than..."
"God, I fucked up. I'm sorry, can you tell him that for me? Please? Just tell him I'm sorry." He tugged again, a sniffly sob escaping. "Fuck, I really... I really did manage to fuck everything up in the end. I told you that you shouldn't keep me around, Blacks being bad luck and all."
He was silent for several seconds. "Just... I'm sorry. You've got to believe that I'm sorry."
-
“Fuck, I don't even know what to say.” He laughed a little, then sniffled. “I'm sorry? Please believe me. I really, really am sorry.”
“Just that, I suppose. Everything else I can think of is just that I'm sorry. I wish I could take it back, I really really wish I could. If there's anything I can do to fix it…” Voice breaking he forced back a sob. “Just tell me, please. If there's anything at all, God I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't even care what it is.”
“Please?”
-
“Hey James.” Sirius sat on the edge of the bathtub, watching red run down his thighs. “I… I'm sorry. I wish you'd text me back at least so I know you heard that. Not that…” His voice cracked. “Not that I deserve that but it'd be nice.”
“Could you even just turn your read receipts back on? I don't even need a response, I just want to know that you know I'm sorry.” There was a long stretch of silence.
“I miss you, I miss you so much. Take care of yourself. And Moony please.”
-
"Hey James. I figure you probably just delete these and don't listen to them but..." Sirius hesitated, combing a hand through his hair. "But there's no harm in recording them. If you are listening to them I truly am sorry. Fuck, I'm so sorry. I hope Moony's alright."
He sighed, long and more than a little defeated. "Fuck, it feels kind of pathetic to cry over a phone that no one is even on. I miss you lot though. I just... I just miss you. Stay safe please."
-
“God, fuck.” A little hiccupy sob escaped. “Fuck, I miss you so much. You and Moony and Peter and your parents. I didn't realize how much I loved you all before but fuck it's a lot.”
“Please message me back? I'm so sorry, please just don't leave me.”
-
"It's Lily's birthday tomorrow. I'm sure you'll see her, tell her happy birthday for me?" His voice caught and he had to clear his throat to get rid of the little sob building up. "Or don't, I doubt she'd want to hear from me either. Just... I dunno, I was thinking of you lot I guess." There was a long pause.
"I suppose she was right after all. I'm trouble. Remus should have listened to her." He sighed, tugging on his hair and twisting so his next words came out a little pained. "Can't really put the blame on him though, I'm the fuck up, he's just too trusting for his own good."
"Hope Effie's doing alright, Monty too. I wish we could go back to Christmas, that was nice. I tried making those cookies she made the other day but they were kinda terrible. I couldn't find a recipe so I just tried to remember what she had me put in." He hesitated, then started laughing softly. "Now that I'm thinking about it I think I forgot the baking powder." Shaking his head slightly he sighed. "Take care of yourself and make sure Remus does too please."
-
"Hey James. I figure even if you don't listen to these, it'll be nice to explain everything before..." His voice faltered. "People like notes for this sort of thing I think. So I'm calling this mine."
"Snape… he knows this older boy, Mulciber. He's a little more posh and... he's one of the kids from my mum's social circle. He used to come over when my mum had events with his mum and he'd... he'd rape me, I suppose the word is." The distaste in his tone was clear. "I don't like that word much. But that's what he'd do."
"The night... The night I gave Snape Remus's spare key Mulciber was there. I don't know if Snape knew exactly what he was threatening but he said if I didn't give it to him Mulciber could have his fun with me." A slow deep breath. It wouldn't do him any good to start crying now. "I... I panicked. I just gave it to him which was so absolutely shitty of me but... I was scared."
"Snape lied of course, he skipped off with his prize and Mulciber still got to have me. By time I could have gotten in contact with anyone it was too late, Snape had gotten to the house and Mulciber had blackmail. I just... I didn't know what to do at that point, what to say. I just took the story that was given to me."
"It was so stupid." His voice cracked. "I know you wouldn't have been nearly as mad if you had known but... I couldn't bring myself to say it. And then it was just too late. The day I said I was going to tell Remus he'd blocked me and it felt like a sign." There was a long pause and he twisted a fistful of hair painfully so he could focus.
"The note part is next I guess. By the time you listen to this I'll probably be dead, in fact if you listen to this at all it'll probably be because you heard I was dead. I've got meds. My stuff is sorted and clean. There's no other note or diary to look for. It's all very clear cut, I figured I'd make it as easy on the police as I can."
"Tell Remus I'm sorry. I know it's a bit of a broken record at this point but I really, really am. That I love him. If you can get him to listen to this please do. Remus, I'm so fucking sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I hope that maybe someday you can forgive me, even if you never say it. And I love you so, so much. You're an amazing person and truly the best friend and partner I could have ever asked for. Remember your meds and to take care of yourself, even when it feels stupid or like nothing helps."
"Tell Peter that he was always an amazing friend and I'm so grateful for all the times we had together. Tell him I hope he really does grow up to discover all those new species of plants he wanted to."
"If you can get a hold of Regulus just tell him I love him and I'm sorry. He'll understand the rest."
"And you James, you're fucking amazing. I'm so glad we were able to be friends. You're going to grow up to be even more amazing. Stay out of trouble."
He took a few deep breaths, then spoke again, voice shaking, finally allowing emotion to take control from his mental script.
"I'm scared to end the call. It's kind of like I die after I press this button, it's the end, you know? My last words. And realistically I know I'm going to die anyways, I'm already dying, it just feels so final. What if I forgot to say something?" Another long pause. "Remember when we were kids? You lot used to joke that I was named Sirius because I brightened the room when I walked into it? The whole brightest star in the sky thing? Well..." He picked up the phone, tapping the screen once to see the call. "I think the brightest star might have finally gone out." With that he tapped the end call button.
Setting his phone on the bedside table he leaned back and closed his eyes, taking slow deep breaths. For several minutes he lay there until a sharp noise startled him. His phone was ringing. Reaching over, he frowned at the caller. "Moony <3" He hit answer.
"Don't you fucking dare." He blinked at the harshness in his words. "Sirius, do you hear me? Don't you dare."
"Why are you calling me?"
"Because," He heard movement from the other end. "You sent James another voicemail while we were doing fucking game night and he insists on listening to them right away." He heard a mumbled "and thank god" from the background and after a moment of delayed processing he frowned.
"He plays my voicemails for you?"
"Not usually, they're usually in his headphones or another room but once he realized what it was, yeah, he played it. But that's not why I called, I called to tell you to not be stupid."
"I've already been all kinds of stupid, what are you talking about?"
"Don't-" His voice faltered. "Don't take the meds. Please."
"Oh." His voice must have given him away.
"You already have, haven't you?"
"Yeah."
"Dammit." He heard Remus pull away from the phone. "Effie. Effie! He's already taken them." Someone, probably Effie, said something he couldn't make out in return and Remus returned. "Alright Siri, Effie's on the phone with the hospital, they're going to come get you, okay? Can you get up?"
"No."
"Okay, okay. Can you text Regulus?"
"He's probably asleep or has his phone off."
"Can you do it anyways?" He considered for a moment. "Please?" When he opened his contacts the screen was a little blurry and his fingers were shaking. Frowning, he hit the share button instead of opening the text. He heard a notification on the other end of the phone.
"Can't type."
"Okay, that's alright. This is Regulus's number?"
"Should be."
"Okay, thank you. James." He heard Remus turn away from the phone. "James, I'm sending you a number, it's Regulus, see if you can get him to pick up."
"Alright, Siri, can you keep talking to me please? I just need you to stay awake, alright?”
“I'm sorry.”
“I know, I know. That's not important right now though. It's okay.”
“I'm so fucking sorry, I didn't mean for this to happen, I didn't-”
“Siri,” His voice got a little desperate. “I know. You don't need to keep apologizing. I know you're sorry, I forgive you.” That broke something inside Sirius and with a heartbroken sob he rolled onto his side, curling up in a tight ball.
“Hey, hey, it's okay, shh. It's okay, I promise. There's no need to cry.” He just cried harder, fingers going white as he clutched the phone like a lifeline. “Siri, shh, shh. I need you to calm down and take deep breaths. You're going to make it worse getting worked up. Please, just deep breaths.”
There was a loud slam from somewhere in the house and the sound temporarily startled him into silence. He heard someone practically bolt down the hall and there was exactly one knock before the door opened.
Regulus was instantly kneeling in bed next to him, rolling him onto his back. “You absolute fucking asshole, come here.” When he grabbed the phone Sirius just let him take it. “Yeah Remus, I've got him.” Tucking the phone between his shoulder and ear he reached over Sirius, one hand on his shoulder to riffle through the small pile of things on the bedside table. “They're antidepressants and sleep aids, both over the counter, refilled a week or two ago and empty now.” A little choked sob slipped out and his gaze switched to him.
“It's okay, it's okay Siri. I just gotta let Remus know what you took. Hey, I'm right here, it's okay.” Carefully he slid a hand under Sirius's back and lifted him into a sitting position. “Come on, can you get out of bed for me? Maman is probably already awake and I need to get you outside.”
The world spun and he swayed to the side a little. Muttering curses Regulus kept one hand on his back, the other one grabbing the phone. “I have to hang up, I can't carry the phone. Just meet us at the hospital.” There was a pause. “Remus, you being on the phone changes nothing, he'll be fine but I really need to hang up, okay?” After another second he pulled the phone away, hitting the end call button before tossing it on the bed.
“Alright Siri, come on.” He managed to get Sirius out of the bed, wrapping one arm around his waist to help guide him. When they got down a flight of stairs they were met with Kreature, the old butler Walburga insisted on keeping around despite him doing nothing much but wander around and complain. He took one look at the boys, then gently pushed Regulus away and scooped Sirius up. He just slumped in his arms, body feeling fuzzy.
When they made it to the door and could hear distant sirens, Kreature put him down and Regulus went to his side again, catching him before he crumpled. “Thank you.” He just nodded slightly.
“Of course young Master Regulus. Do you require anything else?”
“Keep Maman distracted if she comes down?”
“Yes Master Regulus.” Hesitating in the doorway he glanced back. “Good luck.”
Regulus pulled him closer to his side, going on his tip toes to tuck his head under his chin. Sirius usually would have commented but the edges of his vision had gone dim and really he just enjoyed the warmth it brought. Faintly he remembered his knees buckling as the ambulance appeared at the end of the street but then everything went black.
-
Sirius awoke to someone humming very softly as they combed their hand through his hair. Slowly blinking awake he looked up and saw Effie. Seeing he was awake she gave him a small little smile.
“Hi dear. How are you feeling?” He swallowed, feeling strangely shy for it being Effie.
“Fine.” She raised an eyebrow at him. “Kinda shitty?”
“I'm sure. James and Remus are getting food and Regulus got dragged to Evan’s place to get some sleep.” She kept combing through his hair and he let his eyes close. They stayed there for a few minutes in silence aside from the ambient hospital sounds before she sighed softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not particularly.”
“Okay. If you ever feel like talking with someone I’ll be here.” He frowned and shrank away a little, eyes flicking open and studying her. “I know you don’t like sharing with people but sometimes talking to someone who’s been in the world longer can help.” He went to reply, not even sure what to say but he hesitated and the door opened before he could. James had several bags of chips held against his chest possessively and Remus held the door.
Their eyes widened as they saw that Sirius was awake and James quickly set his things on a table, quickly scrambling to sit by his feet. “Hi Pads, how are you feeling?” Remus hesitated a little longer but came and sat across from Euphemia in another chair by the bedside.
“Hi Siri.”
“Hey.” Scooting back a little he pressed himself against the headboard, wincing a little as the shift tugged at the iv in his arm. Remus quickly reached out to adjust it so it had slack. Face going red in embarrassment he studied it so he didn’t have to look at him. “Thanks.”
Effie stood. “I’ll give you three some space, I know you don’t talk about things in front of mothers and I can go talk to a nurse.” She quickly slipped out of the room and Sirius watched her go.
“Paddy.” Reluctantly he looked at James. “How are you feeling?”
“Fine.” He could see the frustration in his eyes and he knew James could tell he was getting shut out. It’d been years since he got such a clipped answer to a genuine check in.
“You’re not fine, can I get a real answer?”
“It’s not important.”
“It is.” He almost jumped at Remus’s voice. “Come on Sirius, you really worried us.”
“We haven’t talked in months, it’s not fucking important.” James just sighed, then pulled out his phone. After a moment of scrolling the phone rang once, then he clicked something else and the automated voice cut through the silence.
“You have 97 saved voicemails, hit one to play, two to skip, or three to delete. To repeat these options-” Turning his phone off James looked at him, thoroughly unimpressed.
“You sent me 97 voicemails over the span of four months and I listened to every single one. I have all of them downloaded. I read every single text. All while under the impression you gladly gave someone keys to your boyfriend's house so they could break in and attempt to attack him and his mother. You know why? Because I still couldn’t hate you because you’re my friend. And then you sent me a voicemail admitting that you had been threatened, raped, and were killing yourself in the span of less than five minutes. It’s super fucking important.” Sirius just shrank back, summoned anger gone again. “So, let me ask again, how are you feeling?”
He hesitated for a moment as he fidgeted with the iv tape. “Nauseous. Kinda dizzy.”
“Siri, we all know that’s not what he meant.”
“I don’t know.” Sniffling a little he pulled his knees to his chest. “It’s confusing.”
“That’s alright. It’s okay if it’s confusing.” Remus carefully pulled his hand away and twined their fingers together to keep him from picking at it. “Do you have any thoughts you want to talk about?”
“Not really.”
“Okay, do you need anything?” He shook his head but Remus squeezed his hand and he inwardly sighed. “What do you need Siri?” Tears built up and he tried to blink them away.
“It’s fine.”
“Paddy. Come on.”
“I want a hug.” Before he could try to brush it off Remus had already pulled him into a tight hug. Breath hitching he let out a whimper before he started crying. He let his head fall forward onto his shoulder and Remus moved one hand from his waist to the back of his head to press him closer. James crawled up to the top of the bed, reaching out to rub his back.
“Hey, hey, it’s alright. You’re okay.” They stayed there for several minutes before there was a knock on the door. Sirius stayed in place but Remus and James glanced up.
“I’m just here to take vitals from Mister Black, is it okay if I borrow him for a few minutes?” Remus tried to let go and he let out a little whine before he could stop himself. He hesitated, then tightened his grip again. “If you can move a little so I can just reach him then you can stay.”
“Is that okay Siri?” After a moment he nodded.
“Alright, I just need you to turn around, can you do that for me?” After a little bit of shifting he had his back pressed against Remus’s chest with his arms around his waist. The nurse quickly checked a few things, then excused herself. After she left Sirius found himself leaning back, turned a little to rest his head on Remus’s shoulder.
“You tired?” Nodding, his eyes fluttered a few times and after Remus combed through his hair a few times they shut all the way. “You can sleep.” Nodding a little he let out a sigh and let his mind drift. He could hear James and Remus talking softly and after a few minutes he shifted to lay down a little more. Just as he finally fell asleep he felt a gentle kiss on the crown of his head and he drifted off with a little smile.