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“UGH! Caine, get out already! You’re holding us up!” Jax growled, banging on the door.
“Jax- I mean- Felix, do you think that’s really gonna work?” Ragatha crossed her arms, huffing slightly.
“You attract more ants with honey rather with vinegar-! Eheh…” She said, trying not to show her slight disdain towards the twink.
“He’s been in there forever…”
“Heh, maybe the old man got stuck in the toilet.” Jax joked.
“He’s stubborn and oblivious at worst, not stupid. Trust me, I had to learn that too…” Zooble said, glaring at Jax.
“Hey everyone! Malissas here!” Pomni announced.
“Sorry I’m late…you guys weren’t waiting for me long, were you…?” Gangle fidgeted with her hands self consciously as Pomni walked her in.
“Tch, nah. We’re still waiting on Caine to get out of Zoobles damn bathroom!” He leaned against a wall.
“Is he okay…?” Gangle asked, worried.
“We’re not sure…he’s been in there since I got here…” Ragatha said.
“I have no idea what he could be doing in there, he’s taking a long time…” Pomni added.
“Yeah, especially since we’re going to get desserts. I would’ve expected him to be the first ready to go…Caine goes wild for cakey things.” Zooble sighed.
“Maybe he’s fixing his hair-?” Gangle suggested.
“Ugh, he better not be. Caine can be a little diva about his appearance sometimes…now that he’s got a body especially…I think he spends more time in my bathroom than me now.” Zooble rolled their eyes.
“Really?” Ragatha asked, slightly surprised.
“Well, yeah-? Doesn’t he do that with all of you guys?” Zooble arched her brow.
“Uhh, no? I don’t think he does…He’s usually busy ‘exploring’ the rest of the house, heh…” Ragatha looked a bit perplexed now…
“Not really…” Pomni replied awkwardly, rubbing her arm.
“Psh, he wouldn’t dare try that crap with me.“ Jax said, grimacing at the thought. Four people sharing one bathroom was already three too many for him. He liked his space…
“I own a bathroom?” Kinger cocked his head, confused.
“When did you get here-” Jax squinted at Kinger.
“R-rarely…he tried on one of my bows before though and fell in love with it cause it was red…actually, I think he took one of my flannel skirts…not that I mind, I’m glad he’s enjoying, um, heh, ‘customizing his avatar.’” Gangle gently chuckled to herself.
“Wait- so he ONLY messes around in MY bathroom-!?” Jax cackled at Zooble.
“Well…you do have a lot of cool earrings…” Zooble gently blushed, perking up at Gangle's compliment.
“Wh- really? Thanks, I guess…And he does try to steal my earrings but it doesn’t take him this long…ever.”
“Come to think of it, Caine is rather quiet right now…” Pomni commented, walking up to the door and putting her head up to it.
“Caaainne? What are you doing in there? D-do you need help?”
…
No reply.
“If you don’t come out we’re leaving without you!” Jax yelled. “I’m tellin’ you, he’s probably dolling up in there. Combing his hair so he can be the prettiest girl at the party!” Jax mockingly batted his eyelashes, and Pomni had to hold back a snicker.
“Be serious! He might be in trouble!” Ragatha scolded.
“Then why doesn't he say anything…I’m getting worried..” Gangle twisted a strand of her hair in her fingers.
“Perhaps he just dropped something! Like one of his eyes! He’s probably just looking all over the floor for it! We’ve all been there before!” Kinger spoke out, his smile big and his eyes full of sympathy.
“Caine? Caine! We can help you look for it! Although…we might not find it…well, that’s no problem! I think you could pull off one eye! …Depending which one it is….did you loose the blue eye or the green one?” Kinger rambled in his scratchy yet well meaning voice.
“I…Don’t think that’s it…at least I hope not.” Pomni pat Kinger on the shoulder.
“Please, if that was the case we’d hear him bawling his eyes out. The guy is obsessed with his pretty orbs.” Jax mocked once more.
“L-Let me try!” Ragatha piped up, trying to be helpful. She walked over to the bathroom door, Pomni moved out the way politely.
“Caine! You know, if you don’t come out, you might miss out on coming with us to your faaaavorite sweets store! Come on! Don’t you wanna get some nice sweets? Eh? Ehh? Tiramisu? Angel Food Cake? Fudge Cookies?” Ragatha pried, her voice sugary sweet.
“He’s not a little kid…don’t talk down to him…” Pomni mumbled. Zooble softly scoffed. “Could have fooled me…”
. . .
“Yeah, no, there's no way he’s comin’ out. Come on! Let’s just go without him! I’m tired of waiting!”
“No!” Ragatha was starting to lose her cool. Though, Zooble actually thought about it more in depth…
“...As worried as I am, I can’t say I don’t know what it’s like to not want to go somewhere…even if it’s supposed to be ‘fun.’ I’d be a massive hypocrite if I let us force him out…If Caine doesn’t want to go, we can’t make him. We shouldn’t.” Zooble
“....you're right…” Pomni said softly.
“FINALLY!” Jax shouted as if he was exhausted as he started walking off with his hands shoved in his pockets.
“Well…If you think it’s what's best for him…” Ragatha hesitantly walked away from the door.
“Other people can want what's best for others, Raggie. Not just you.” Jax said, knowing it’d get under her skin.
“HEY! I- Thats- M-My name isn’t that anymore, it’s Antionette!”
“I ain’t gonna remember all that, I’m callin’ you…’raggedy hair mcgee.’”
“JAX!!!” was the last that was heard from the two before they walked out the door.
“Well, I guess we’ll see you later Caine! Have fun, and let me know if you find your Eyeballs!” Kinger waved.
“Now…where are we going again-?”
Gangle softly chuckled. “Follow me, Albert…I’ll help you get there.”
“Who’s Albert?”
“...I guess we’ll see you there?” Pomni asked, looking up at Zooble.
“...Yeah. I’ll be right there.”
“Alright…uhm, let me know how he is when he comes out, okay?”
“Will do. I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Alright then…see you soon, then, August-!” Pomni waved before walking out the front door.
“See ya, Pumi.”
“....” Zooble stood in place for a few beats before turning to the bathroom door one last time.
“....I’m about to leave, Caine. I…I feel like…I know you can hear me…well, whatever's going on, talk to me when you’re ready.
.
.
.
Take your time. I’ll see you in a bit.”
Zooble paused, waiting for any type of response, though it never came. They took their leave, following the others as she gently closed the door
Now Caine was truly alone.
Despite turning off the lights, he still felt awful.
He felt his eyes vibrating, even when he squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted to get rid of him. He wanted to rip them out and swallow them whole down his gullet….no, then he’d feel his throat fluxiate…god, that feeling…Caine always found eating to be pretty weird overall, but usually liked the weird feeling of swallowing. Not this time though. No, the thought of it disgusted him. He winced, now he was conscious of the saliva constantly coating his throat, making it all wet and moist…and warm. Why was his throat so warm? Why was his mouth so warm?? His mouth never felt warm or wet in the circus…the circus…he was safe at the circus…nothing could touch him, nothing could hurt him…he was a god. All the NPC’s loved him, they had too.
He ruled over Bubble, his little henchman…his disgusting little henchman…it was a big change, having a tongue all to himself for once…he kind of didn't like it…
And The Moon…golly, the moon…constantly swooning over him…so soothing, so flattering…so big.
He hates the way his eyes burn with tears. This was his breaking point. Thinking about everyone he deleted…gone, forever..
He misses Bubble.
He misses the Moon.
He misses Ming.
He misses the Circus.
He misses his Circus.
His amazing, wonderful, perfect, digital world. He couldn't even see it again…it was gone. He’d never see it again. He'd never see home again, he'd never be home again because he ruined everything.
Why didn't he go with the Circus too? How come he was still alive? Maybe- maybe he wasn't lucky to make it out. Maybe he felt guilty. Maybe he felt ALONE. Maybe he doesn't want to be the only one a part of the circus to make it out alive??
He was just…helpless now…useless and fleshy. No objective except to “find himself”. He already knew himself. He was CAINE. He entertained, he made adventures and NPCs, he looked over the circus and its little sourpuss inhabitants. That's all he knew, all he wanted and was supposed to do. Maybe he didn't want to do more.
This new world was too big, too many NPC’s, not enough for him to control. He’s so clueless, more uneducated than he thought he was about the real world. He didn't know anything anymore…
He doesnt-
He can't-
It's all so-
He needs to reboot.
Desperately.
But this was the closest thing to shutting off, he imagined. Alone in a dark void. All that was taking him out the immersion was that he could still think and was aware he still existed. He could still feel it all. All his organs wriggling inside his body, like disgusting little worms, like little parasites inside him that he desperately wanted to puke up but he couldn't, no matter how much he dry heaved. His bones wet, his insides scalding hot like an overboiling kettle. His skin felt paper thin at one minute, yet when he pinched it to try to peel it off, it would harden and refuse to be removed without serious force. Like some sort of non-Newtonian Fluid attached to his body.
Reboot, reboot, shut down, turn off, filter it out, anything to make it stop.
Make it stop.
Please make it stop.
.
.
.
He heard the door creak open.
“Caine! I’m home!” Zooble shouted.
“...Caine?” They shouted again, slowly walking around their house. They almost tripped over a weird Caine Shaped lump curled up on the floor.
“Wh- Caine…” She huffed, looking down at Caine, curled into himself while gripping his hair firmly in his hands. Zooble couldn't see his knuckles due to his gloves, but they assumed that if they could, they were probably turning white.
“What are you doing…?” Zooble said, concerned.
“I forgot to breathe.” At some point while Zooble was gone, Caine had managed to replicate the feeling of being shut off, though in the process he eventually stopped breathing. After awhile, he was thrust back into reality as his brain suddenly panicked, almost about to actually black out due to Caine almost suffocating himself. This left him gripping his throat as he gasped for air on the Bathroom floor. He didn't want to be in the bathroom after that.
“...you…forgot to breathe…?”
“...yes. It wasn't necessary.”
“...it…wasn't…?” Zooble tilted his head, raising a brow in genuine confusion.
“...in the circus it wasn't.” He corrected himself. Zooble rolled their eyes.
“I know, I know, but we're in the real world now, and-” they were interrupted by a groaning sound coming from Caine through his grit teeth as he scrunched up his face.
“...Um…?”
“I Know we’re not in the circus anymore, Zooble. You don’t have to remind me-!”
“Well sorry…jeez…I-” They pinched the bridge of their nose.
“Caine, can you just…tell me what's wrong?”
“...” Caine slowly closed his eyes once more. He felt so drained. He barely had any energy left in him.
“...no.”
“Right. Of course.” Zoobles eye twitched, setting down the small brown bag that was on their shoulder. She put their hands her hips, staring down at the pathetic man on the floor. They thought about what to do before deciding to sit down next to him.
“...You know, you worried everyone earlier.”
“...” For once, he wanted to say. But he was working on not showing negative emotions, after all the last time he let it all out went just great.
“We really were worried…” Zooble reassured
“Because I was holding you back.” Caine managed to get out.
“....What? Oh, don’t…don’t worry about that…I’m pretty sure only Ja- uh, Felix was getting impatient. It’s not like the shop would’ve gone anywhere while we were waiting for you….I know what it’s like. If you didn’t want to come with us then you don’t have to. We can’t make you.”
Zooble caught a glimpse of Caine's eyes. They looked tired and had less life and whimsy to them.
“You been forgetting to sleep, too?”
“...No.”
“Well that's good…”
Caine shifted, instead of grasping at his scalp, he then wrapped his arms around himself, wincing in pain a bit as his back ached.
“...are you okay? Did you hurt yourself in there?” Zooble peaked at him more.
“.....No.” He mumbled. Caine was telling the truth, though. He hadn’t physically hurt himself, at least not yet…well, not intentionally. His back was just in pain from…sleeping on Jax’s floor on Friday, since he wasn’t allowed on any beds or couches at his place. He didn’t mind at first, but that’s because he didn’t realize it’d cause such problems-
So, so sensitive humans are.
“...Hey, um, I brought you a few things. I got you some tiramisu and a slice of apple pie, just in case you um…didn't like it, I guess?” Zooble shrugged awkwardly.
“...” He just laid there, looking lifeless.
“...I understand how you're feeling right now…I mean, I think I…do…I get what you mean. It isn't exactly pleasant being thrust into a new world in a new weird body you don't understand…it's hard to get over…and…I guess I thought…since you were…Caine...We didn't even think that you’d take it so harshly…I guess we still have more to learn about you.” Zooble couldn't lie, they did feel a bit guilty. He wished he and, really the rest of the circus members would have taken notice when Caine would slip out of his goofy demeanor.
“...I'm still learning about myself.” Caine admitted.
“...Yeah. So am I.”
“...I'm still new to this…all of…this.”
“Yeah…it's only been like, what, three weeks since we left the…um.” Zooble cringed sympathetically as Caine curled up onto himself even more and hugged himself tighter at the mention of leaving the circus.
“...Sorry. But look, I've been a human for…almost my entire life. About 25 years. And I still don't really know what the hell I am-!”
“...No, you're…you're Zooble. You're-”
“No, I'm not anymore. I'm August, Caine.”
Caine grumbled, a bit bitter.
“You look more like a Zooble to me…”
“Tch.” Zooble scoffed and rolled their eyes. “I guess I see it…I certainly feel scrambled almost all the time…”
“...You look pretty together to me. Even by ‘real person’ standards…” Caine said softly.
“Ha…a lot of people seem to think that. But…no, I really don't have myself figured out yet. I hope I will one day…but I dunno. Could take a while.”
“...You look healthy to me.”
“I'm afraid it's not that simple, Caine.”
“...I…I don't like…my body either.”
“Well it's not that I don't like my body- I just…Look, sometimes I don't like how I…look. Or feel…” Zooble bit their lip, god, they really didn't want to think about their dysphoria right now. But, to their surprise, Caine was being serious…
“No, I mean- I don't like the feeling of…being human. Not saying I don't want to be human, I really do-! I like being with you and Jax and Ragatha, Gangle, Kinger, Pomni too, but…I cannot express how much I hate feeling my skin resting on my bones. I hate feeling how thick my- my blood is and how it moves and sloshes around and…” Caine couldn't keep talking. He…he was going to vomit, he was going to throw up- and from what he's seen it wasn't pleasant to do-
“...You can feel all that?”
“...You can't?”
“N-No…I don't even think it's something you get used to, most people just don't notice it…I mean…” Zooble didn't expect to hear that. Though it did make sense…Caine had never had organs or blood before, just ‘code that buzzed in his body like little bees’ (Caine's words, not hers.)
“...That's…good to know.” Zooble mumbled.
“What?” Caine rolled over to look at Zooble.
“I guess I just mean…you're already becoming a pretty good human, Caine. You're doing way better than you think.” Zooble reassured, putting their hand on Caine's shoulder.
“It gets way easier when you don't think about it…being a human, I mean. It's not as rule-bound as it seems. And if you ever need to talk more about getting used to the whole flesh and blood thing, you can always talk to me…and the others, too.” They gave a gentle smile.
“...Thanks, Zooble.” Caine wasn't cured of his depressive mood, he did feel a bit better.
“So…you wanna dig into your desserts or should I save em?”
“...I’d like to try an apple pie.” He admitted. Zooble smiled at him, opening the small to-go box, revealing a delicious slice of apple pie.
“It smells exquisite…” Caine said, now wide eyed.
“Trust me, it tastes even better.” Zooble encouraged. Caine picked up the thick dessert, and took a bite…his eyes lit up.
“Ish…ish delicioush…” he swallowed, licking his lips.
“Yeah? I'm glad you like it!” Zooble said warmly. And she meant it. “It's all yours, bud.”
Thankfully, the night had been salvaged for Caine.