Chapter Text
Nothing’s changed. So why does it feel different?
Jax stared at the ceiling, laying on his bed. He didn’t know why he was feeling like this. After last week’s adventure it’s like he didn’t want to be perceived by anyone else. Always uncomfortable when he was walking or sitting or sleeping or just… anything. He spent more time in his room, away from the others. They noticed this. He was sure they did.
He groaned and sat up. Looking around his room, his eyes landed on the mirror and his limbs suddenly felt very heavy.
He didn’t know why this feeling was there, what it was, or what to do about it. All he knows is that it started after last week’s adventure. He hated the feeling of that dress. He HATED being put into that in front of everyone. He didn’t enjoy a single second of that. It was embarrassing, cruel, and it made him feel… weird. This seemingly never ending feeling started after they got back from that adventure. He couldn’t stop thinking about that moment and it shocked him that he kinda wanted to do it again. On his own terms. He didn’t want anyone else to see him like that.
He begrudgingly walked out to get breakfast with everyone else. He didn’t want to be with them, but he was still hungry. Barely. He didn’t even really feel like eating. Why was he even out here? He-
“Good morning my terrific termites! Are we ready for today’s adventure?” A loud sigh was heard from everyone at the table. Clearly, they were not. Too bad for them, as Caine was already halfway through explaining the adventure. Which Jax forgot to listen to. Great.
Before he could really listen in, Caine was hauling them through the portal. To which they emerged on the other side in the outskirts of a big city. Which looked awfully like the type of thing you’d see in an apocalypse movie. Wait, were they…?
Before he could finish his thought, a horde of infected zombies came around a corner. They had weird… fungus-lookin’ stuff all over them. Jax noticed the others shooting at the horde, and he reached down and felt a gun holster on the side of his overalls, which carried a pistol. He grabbed it and started shooting. Soon, the wave was cleared, and the others started heading into the city. Jax followed… a few yards behind everyone else.
Ragatha apparently noticed Jax’s demeanor and hung back while the group progressed. “Are you doing alright? You’ve seemed… upset lately,” Ragatha’s soft spoken words cut into him like a knife. Nobody’s considered him for a while, now that he’s come to think of it.
“Look Raggy, I’m fine. I don’t need your consideration,” The words shot out like bullets. He didn’t really mean that.
He still carried himself the same; like he was afraid of walking wrong. Ragatha noticed. “Are you sure? It doesn’t seem-.”
“Didn’t you hear me? I said that I’m fine. Whether I actually am or not is none. of. your. business.” He snapped at her, and she startled a little. The raised voice caught the attention of the others, who turned around to stare. He hunched over a little and folded his arms across himself. “Leave me alone.”
Ragatha shed him one last apologetic look, mumbled, “Sorry,” and skipped back up with the rest of the group. Good.
He continued this quietness, shooting the occasional infected, and back to being quiet for the rest of the adventure. Until the point where escape was no longer an option. The group was crossing a plank between buildings one by one. Already a bad idea, Jax thought. Gangle crossed, then Jax did, and when it came time for Zooble, one of their legs went right through the middle of the board.
As the wood splintered, Gangle pulled on Zooble’s arm and somehow managed to pull them across before the plank fell roughly ten stories to street level.
“Find a way down to the street, we’ll regroup once we’re out of the buildings,” Zooble said to the others who didn’t make it across. Both groups found a door into their respective buildings, and entered into the dark. The only light once inside was the little coming in from whichever windows weren’t boarded up, blocked, or dirty.
“This what you used to do, Zoobie? You and Pomni,” Jax commented. It was, surprising to both Zooble and Gangle, the first thing he’d said since Ragatha tried talking to him. Gangle’s comedy mask had broken early on when an infected jumped up behind her, but Jax hadn’t even spoken to her today, much less bullied her. Zooble took a chance to talk to not-dickhead Jax.
“Sure reminds me of it.” They glanced over at Jax, who was crouched down, checking drawers for any supplies. “Are you feeling… okay, by the way?”
Jax snapped his head around. Gangle flinched.
“Not this again,” He sighed, standing up.
“Yes, this. What’s going on with you? You haven’t exactly been pleasant, but you’ve barely bullied anyone in like a week. It isn’t like you to sit in your room all day and not be out causing problems.” Zooble walked over to Jax and looked him dead in the eyes. “Tell me, or I’m telling Caine to put a corn maze in the circus. I need to know if you’re scheming something awful.”
Jax shuddered at the thought of all that corn. That anyone could get their hands on and bring straight to him. “Okay, okay. I just have been feeling kind of… weird? I don’t know. Like I just feel like it’s not me in the mirror. When I think about it I get a weird twisting in my chest and my arms get all heavy. I don’t know. This is stupid, why am I talking about this to you?” Jax turned around and kept going through cupboards and drawers.
“You don’t feel like it's you that you’re seeing in the mirror? Like it’s not your body?” Zooble repeated his words. Jax nodded his head, still avoiding eye contact. “Okay…” Zooble trailed off. Jax didn’t like that uncertain sounding response.
He glanced out a window. They were probably only about 4 floors up now. He could probably stick the landing if he wanted out of here.
“Sounds like dysphoria to me.” Gangle’s voice echoed through the room. She hadn’t spoken yet, and Jax had almost forgotten she was with them.
“Dysphoria?” He questioned.
“Yeah, like when you’re trans a-and you can’t see your current body as yours,” Gangle explained. “I’ve never experienced it myself, but I’ve heard a lot of people talking about it.” Zooble nodded, they were thinking the same thing.
Jax scoffed. “And you think I have gender dysphoria?” No way. He was Jax, nothing about him had changed. He was about to make a sarcastic comment about it when he realized they were almost outside.
The three exited the building onto the street with surprisingly little infected encounters, and when the other trio made it out as well, they were pleased to find that the end of the adventure was just around the corner. As they walked through the portal, Jax was still spacing out.
“Welcome back my Growling Goblins!” Caine announced, but everyone seemed too exhausted to acknowledge it.
Jax walked back to his room, arms folded, still thinking about what Gangle and Zooble had said.
Dysphoria… what a weird thought.