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“Don’t tell me you’re crying again.”
Jax straightens up in an instant, his smile growing wide as he turns his head to look behind him. Ribbit towers over him, helped by the fact that Jax is sitting down, knees tucked to his chest as he stares out at the lake.
“As if,” he retorts with a snort, glad to be able to mean it for once. It’s been rough adjusting to this new world, this new life. Today’s been alright, though, no weird adventures or overbearing dolls breathing down his neck. Ribbit grins back down at him, petting his head like he’s a dog as he bares his teeth.
“Aww, who’s a good boy?” the frog teases, and Jax immediately shoves his hand away, huffing as he does. “First day without tears, big step for you.”
“Shut up! I’ve cried like, twice, it’s nothing,” the embarrassment floods him, heightened with the knowledge that twice is absolutely underselling it, Jax’s smile slipping a little as Ribbit doubles down on petting him like an animal. “Ribbit, come on!” He snaps, but then Ribbit’s eyes glint, and suddenly he’s being pounced on, and then they’re a whirl of colors as they wrestle for dominance.
In all honesty, Jax should’ve known this was coming. Ribbit is as fighty as he is funny, and he’s the closest thing to a friend Jax has found here, so it’s kind of put him in this place to just expect Ribbit’s antics on a daily basis. He’s been really grabby with him lately, too, and Jax can’t say he hates it completely. It’s a little weird, but maybe the touchiness is helping. He’s been getting more used to it all, at least.
Their wrestling takes a sudden downturn, literally, as they tip over the flat part of the hill Jax had been perched on and start to roll down towards the lake, picking up speed. Jax shrieks in surprise, but Ribbit laughs, so after a moment, Jax starts to laugh too. It’s still not quite second nature yet to not take this world so seriously. They can’t die here. Sure, they can get hurt, but there’s no lasting effects, so what’s it matter if Ribbit rolls them down a giant hill and he aches a little when their journey ends with them splashing down on the lake’s shore and Ribbit pushing him under to get himself up first?
Jax pulls himself up with a wet gasp, coughing hard as water sloshes around him, his smile swapped for a scowl as he turns to glare at Ribbit, who’s standing above him, eyes half-lidded as he grins lazily down at him. “I’m the frog here. Why are you the one in the water still?” He jokes, kicking at Jax’s side and pulling back with a loud laugh when Jax tries to swipe at his leg to bring him down. “Need swimming lessons? Can bunnies even swim?”
“Real funny,” the rabbit says after a moment, sighing as he gives up on retaliating and instead pulls himself up out of the water as he slogs back to shore, flopping onto the sand. The water beads on the surface of his skin, his clothes, dripping off but never quite seeping into him. It’s uncanny. He still feels cold and wet. Jax hates it.
Ribbit drops down next to him, grinning sweetly like he hadn’t just caused that mess. Jax rolls his eyes before turning his attention back to the lake. He’d been watching the surface before Ribbit arrived, looking for movement. Sometimes it seemed like there was wind rippling at it, and he could swear he’d seen something under the water. It wasn’t likely, but at least it was a little easier on the eyes than the glaring bright primary colors the circus is covered in. He can see his reflection in the water. Ribbit’s too, though it starts nearer to Jax’s chest.
“When you first arrived,” Ribbit starts out of nowhere, Jax jolting a little as he’s brought back to reality. “Did Caine tell you you could drown yourself in the digital lake, too?”
“Yeah,” Jax replies instantly, chuckling as his grin returns. “Thought it was real messed up of him to open up the tour like that, honestly.”
“You wanna try it?”
“Try what? Drowning?” Jax cuts Ribbit a look. “Yeah, no, I’m good, thanks.”
“Aww, come on, aren’t you a little curious?” Ribbit’s smiling up at him with that faux innocent look he loves to pull, nudging Jax’s shoulder a little. “Not everyone gets to experience drowning and live, right? It’s an interesting sensation.”
Jax stills a bit, brow furrowing. “You tried it?”
“Sure did.” Ribbit’s hard to read sometimes, but maybe that’s just Jax’s lack of experience working against him. “Come on, it’ll be funny! I’ll be right here, I’ll pull you out if you get too limp, so you won’t even have to wait for Caine. I’ll even keep your head under for you if you want…”
There’s something about the way Ribbit talks that sends a chill down Jax’s spine. He doesn’t want to be here anymore. “Yeah, sounds real funny. I’ll pass.” Jax pushes himself up, grunting a bit as he stands up straight, turning back to start the long trek up the hill, when he feels a hand clasp around his tail and tug him back.
“You’re so f#%*ng serious, lighten up, I was kidding!” Ribbit’s looking up at him with a sheepish smile, his fingers tight around Jax’s tail. “You mad at me? You’re not mad, right Jaxy?”
Jax’s frown slips off his face, a grin of appeasement sliding where it’d once been as he holds a hand out to help Ribbit up. “Nah, you can be a pain-loving freak if you want. I’m just not looking to drown today.” Ribbit’s smile widens, and he takes Jax’s hand with his free one, not letting go of his tail until he’s standing. The way he tugs at it hurts, but it’s fine. Jax can take a little pain for the sake of his only friend.
“Maybe next time.”
• ───────────────── •
“Psst, Jax!”
Jax sighs at the sound of Ribbit calling to him, his body slumping a bit in defeat. He’s tired, and a little sore. They’ve just finished a long adventure that had them in some kind of apocalypse, scouring through supermarkets for supplies while they trekked on foot for what felt like dozens of miles. All he wants right now is to go sleep, but Ribbit’s clearly got other plans.
“What?” He turns to face the frog who immediately snatches one of his wrists, tugging him to follow as he rushes down the halls toward their rooms. “Ribbit, I was heading here anyways, you don’t have to—” Jax cuts himself off, eyes glancing down at the frog’s other hand. He’s got a shopping bag in it, something heavy at the bottom.
Before he can ask any questions, Ribbit’s opening the door to his room and shoving Jax inside, locking it behind him as he steps in too. “Sorry, just gotta be quick before Caine sees!” Ribbit says as he climbs onto his bed, grinning as he tugs the bag into his lap. “Wanna see what I snuck out from the adventure?”
He does. Jax crawls onto Ribbit’s bed without bothering to wait for an invitation, eyes wide as he crosses his legs and waits to see. He had no idea things could be smuggled out of adventures. Suddenly, they’re sounding a lot more interesting. Ribbit sticks a hand into the bag and pulls out a bottle, brandishing it towards Jax so he can read the label.
“Alcohol?!” Jax jolts in surprise. “Can we even get drunk in here?”
“F*&# yeah, we can. Why else would I grab it?” Ribbit snorts, dropping the bottle in Jax’s lap with a thud before rifling through the bag and pulling out a bag of chips. “Even got us some snacks. Let’s get wasted!”
Digital vodka tastes terrible. Ribbit insists he’s had worse in the real world, but Jax has no comparison he can make; he just knows this one sucks. It burns going down, and it makes his eyes scrunch up as he gulps another mouthful, but Ribbit cheers him on with each swig, so he’ll keep going. He’s not even 20 yet, or maybe he is because he lost count of the days after a couple of months, but age doesn’t really matter anymore anyway. Not while he’s in here.
“Are you drunk already?”
Jax blinks slowly, looking over at Ribbit, who’s suddenly no longer on the opposite side of the bed but is instead so close he’s practically in Jax’s lap. “No way,” Jax replies, his smile stretching wide, eyes cutting into crescents as he sways a little. He’s definitely drunk, or he thinks he is, probably. Things feel good, and that’s a hard feeling to come by here.
“Yeah you are,” Ribbit murmurs, smiling back at Jax as he reaches out and cups his cheek. Jax should bite him, that’d be funny. Instead, he leans into the frog’s touch, eyes shutting for a moment as he nuzzles against the contact. “Wow, you’re cute when you’re drunk, huh?” Ribbit teases with a little laugh. There’s a quiet rustling of blankets, and when Jax opens his eyes again Ribbit is even closer, swinging a leg over Jax’s lap, straddling him as he props himself up on his knees, tall enough to be just a little above Jax with him still sitting. “Want me to pet you some more?”
He does, but he’s got enough sense to know it’s embarrassing to admit that, so instead, Jax whines and tries to lean away, gasping in surprise when his balance shifts and he knocks into the wall, wincing as he reaches up with both hands to clutch at the back of his head as he rocks back forward.
He hits something soft, opening his eyes and looking up to see that he’d sent himself into Ribbit’s chest. The frog is staring down at him with those half-lidded eyes, his expression unreadable. His hands slip up Jax’s arms, grabbing his wrists and keeping them behind his head. Jax feels like his heart is suddenly pounding, his head throbbing. His body feels heavy.
“Are you drunk too?”
“Sure am,” Ribbit replies instantly, in that tone Jax has come to learn he shouldn’t always trust. His smile widens as he leans closer, inches away from Jax’s face. “Being drunk feels good, right? Wanna try something else that’ll feel good too?”
Jax swallows. His eyes are tired, and his face feels hot. He wants to go to sleep, but feeling good is so rare here, and Ribbit wouldn’t steer him wrong. “Yeah.”
Their mouths press together, and Jax breathes in sharply as Ribbit slides his tongue between his lips with ease. He moves his arms, wanting to do something with them, anything, clutch at the bed or maybe at Ribbit. They’re still pinned behind him, the frog’s grip tight. So he gives up and lets the haze settle in as Ribbit nips roughly at his lip, hard enough to draw blood if the stupid circus would ever let them have any. It feels good.
•• ───────────────── ••
“Ribbit? You in there?”
Jax presses his head to Ribbit’s door, trying to listen for a response. He doesn’t get one. He didn’t get one yesterday either, or the day before. He knocks again, taking a deep breath. “Come on, croaky, open up already.” Ribbit hates that nickname; he thinks it might goad him into responding, but he doesn’t hear so much as a rustle in reply.
“It’s getting boring out here without you. I had to pair up with Kaufmo for the last adventure! You can only imagine how that went.” The thought of the bumbling clown gets a little laugh out of Jax, though it’s short-lived. “He did manage to get Rags to slip on another banana peel though, that was great. You shoulda seen it.”
Nothing. Jax sighs, shifting to rest his back against the door and sliding down to the floor to sit. “Can’t be fun being all to yourself all week.” The rabbit thumps his head against the door, closing his eyes as he tries to think of a way to get Ribbit out. He’s been bugging him for days with no good response; it’s driving him crazy. He didn’t realize how weird it felt to be here without Ribbit at his side, didn’t know how aimless he’d feel without the frog calling the shots and coming up with new tricks to play. An idea suddenly pops in his head, and he opens his eyes, staring at the blank door across from Ribbit’s room.
“Hey. If you don’t wanna come out, how about you just let me in?”
His ears twitch as he hears something. Nothing much, just something shifting but it’s something. Maybe this is the way to go. “Yeah, actually, that sounds great. Let’s just hang in your room! No need to come out here and deal with Rags breathing down your neck or Caine bugging you, right? Just you and me.”
Another noise. It sounded like a footstep, but then it stopped. He’s so close.
“Come on, Ribbit, I— I miss you. Lemme in, we can play whatever you want. I’ll do anything, promise.”
Silence. Jax sighs, hands pressing to the door behind him as he starts to push himself back to his feet, when it suddenly opens wide and he goes tumbling backwards with a yelp. He smacks the back of his head on the floor, hissing as he rolls a bit in pain and clutches it before pausing when he realizes what’s just happened and looks up.
Ribbit is standing over him. The frog looks tired, way too tired, a weary smile on his face as he watches Jax. “You’ll do anything, huh?” He lets out a little huff of laughter. “Sounding a little pathetic, is crybaby Jax back in town? Miss me that much?”
It’s a weird mix of relief and embarrassment, but Jax lets a smile spread across his face anyway. “Just a little. You look like crap.” The joke doesn’t land, the annoyance clear across Ribbit’s face before he wipes it away. He’s great at doing the mask thing, but Jax can read him well after a couple years of seeing it. So he doubles back. “You sleep at all? Want me to tuck you in?”
That gets a laugh, and Ribbit kicks him a little to get out of the way of the door, shutting it and locking it once Jax has crawled inside fully. “Honestly, kind of tempting. You wanna be my pillow?”
“Perv. I see what I’m good for,” Jax grins as he pulls himself to his feet. “You just needed a bedwarmer.”
“You’re pretty good at it.” Ribbit concedes. He reaches out and grabs Jax’s wrist, a little too tightly, and tugs him to the bed. There’s a weird flip in the rabbit’s gut where he’s not sure what to expect. Him and Ribbit aren’t… anything, technically. They’ve played around a bit, done about as much as they can do in these sexless bodies, but they’re nothing. Jax asked once, and Ribbit called him a whiny lovesick teenager, and he never brought it up again. They’re friends, and that’s plenty. He needs Ribbit to keep him around. It feels so weird handling the circus alone.
Jax gets in the bed, on top of the covers, and Ribbit crawls in behind him. “So, uh,” Jax hates how he can feel his face heating up as he lies on his side inches from Ribbit. “What’s up with you?”
“Nothing feels good anymore.”
Oh. That was a lot more honest than Jax had been prepared for. Suddenly, he’s regretting not staying outside. “What do you mean?”
Ribbit does his best attempt to shrug while lying down. He’s still smiling, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “I just don’t see the point in trying anymore. Pranks aren’t fun, adventures f#$%ng suck, everyone is just constantly nagging and knocking and bothering me like there aren’t a handful of other clowns out there for their amusement.” Jax wants to ask if he’s included in everyone, but Ribbit keeps going. “I want to feel alive, Jax. I want stuff to feel like it— like it’s supposed to. Nothing feels good anymore. I’ve tried it all.”
This is out of Jax’s depth. Never in his entire stay here in the circus has he wanted Ragatha to come bother him more than he does right now. She could think of something to say, probably. Honestly, even Kinger would do better here than he could. He’s just some stupid excuse for an “adult” stuffed into a gangly rabbit’s body. What kind of advice or comfort could he possibly offer?
“You could try me.”
Ribbit looks a little surprised, but it’s better than that hopelessness he had before, so Jax keeps going. “I mean, you said you tried it all, but last I checked, we haven’t done stuff in like weeks so… maybe that’ll feel like it’s supposed to? Just sayin’, my mouth’s here for the taking if you want.”
“Just your mouth?”
Jax’s brow furrows a little in confusion, but he smiles anyway. “You can have it all. Whatever you want, Ribs.”
Ribbit’s eyes shine with something Jax can’t quite parse but it doesn’t matter, because they’re shining again. The little frog scoots closer, pushing Jax onto his back as he crawls on top and kisses him. Jax shudders, his eyes sliding shut as his hands clutch at the bed and he kisses back. Ribbit doesn’t let him touch, that’s a kissing rule. It’s Ribbit’s role to lead, one they both usually enjoy.
He’s rough like usual, bitey and forceful in a way that leaves Jax gasping for air when he can, feet squirming as his mouth is invaded for the first time in far too long. It feels good, it always feels good with Ribbit, mostly, and this time is no different. He hopes it’s the same for the frog.
Ribbit sighs into his mouth, crawling more to straddle Jax’s chest better, legs spreading to bracket the rabbit’s lanky arms at his sides, unable to move even though he never would without Ribbit’s permission anyways. The frog kisses him deeply, pulling away again after a few minutes, a hand cupping Jax’s face. Jax opens his eyes, expecting something familiar. A sultry smile, those eyes that feel like they’re peeling his clothes off with a single glance.
Ribbit looks empty. What little shine he’d had has dimmed, his smile replaced with a disappointed frown that makes Jax’s chest ache. “It’s not enough,” Ribbit says with another little sigh, but he slips back down for another kiss anyway. Jax returns it, confused and a little hurt. Ribbit’s hand slides down his chin, curling gently around his throat.
They kiss for a little while longer, and Jax almost forgets what Ribbit said as he falls back into the gentle feeling, and then Ribbit’s other hand finds his neck, and Jax tries to take in a breath as his windpipe is suddenly squeezed. His eyes snap open, and Ribbit is watching his face, smiling as his grip gets tighter. “F*^#, maybe this is what I needed,” the frog breathes out, biting his lip as he presses his weight into his hands.
Jax flounders beneath him, his eyes watering as he tries desperately to wrestle his hands out from where they’re trapped beneath Ribbit. He can’t breathe, can’t move, it hurts. Ribbit is smiling wider, watching Jax with an expression that sends chills through him. His pupils look like wild scribbles, constantly shifting and writhing. Jax is scared.
“I can have it all, right, Jaxy?” Ribbit giggles maniacally. “You promised.”
His vision is getting dim. Jax can hardly see through the tears welling, but he can tell it’s getting darker, and he knows he can’t die for good but he doesn’t want this. “Rib—” he tries to get Ribbit’s name out, he can only muster the first half, but it’s enough to make the frog falter in surprise and loosen his grip slightly, and Jax gasps for air as he makes his move.
He manages to roll them over, a little too vigorously, they end up rolling onto the floor and Jax is now on top of Ribbit, pinning the frog down as he takes in ragged breaths and tries to make sense of what’s just happened. Ribbit’s still smiling, eyes dull as he grabs one of Jax’s hands and tugs it to his own throat, forcing the rabbit’s hand around his neck.
“Try it.”
Jax jumps backwards like he’s been burned, scrambling to get away. His tears are dripping down his face as he clambers to his feet and runs to the door, fiddling with the lock before he wrenches it open and runs without looking back.
••• ───────────────── •••
“The lake isn’t moving today.”
Jax stands at the shore watching the water expectantly. No wind today, it makes him wonder idly if Caine plans for the weather at all. It doesn’t really rain here, but he makes time to decide if it’s windy or not. Weird.
“I wonder if you actually did it.”
Ribbit said he did, but he said a lot of things that probably weren’t true. Jax kicks at the sand a little, watching the water ripple slightly where some had reached it. It grows still again, and Jax can see his reflection in the water. No green by his side today. He hates this.
His funeral is happening right now, inside the tent, and Jax can’t get himself to go. He’s been to a few now, and they always suck. He’s no good at remembering the dead, no good at acknowledging the loss he’s been left with. How could he possibly even begin to think about the hole Ribbit’s left in him?
They’re all up there talking like they knew him more than Jax did. Like they understood him. No one understood Ribbit, but maybe Jax had been getting close. He’ll never know now. It makes him feel sick, makes his throat feel tight, even tighter than it’d felt with Ribbit’s hands around it. He can’t stop thinking of that night, of the last time he saw Ribbit whole. Maybe he’d already been half-gone and Jax just couldn’t see it. Ribbit always said he was dense.
Jax steps into the water. It’s not as cold as he expected. Good. That’ll make this easier. He walks in until he’s up to his chest, and then he dives down as far as he can go. He breathes out, and then in, and chokes as water fills him up. It’s so much colder inside than outside, he didn’t expect that. It burns and it aches but it’s also freezing him from the inside out. An interesting sensation.
He works to keep himself limp, even as he floats up the surface, eyes shut tight as he wills himself to succumb to the pain, to drown. It hurts, it hurts, everything hurts and maybe that’s what it means to be alive, maybe this is all there is and he needs to accept that. This might help.
Something winds around his chest and tugs him up before he fully loses it. He breaches the water and chokes on his last mouthful of water as he fights weakly against whoever’s bringing him to shore. His eyes hurt, his body hurts, and there’s the wind finally showing up just in time to send a chill down his body.
“Jax? Jax!”
He’s dropped onto the sand unceremoniously, mitten hands pulling at his face and he knows who’s found him and of course, it’s her. Jax coughs up more water, groaning as he turns himself onto his stomach, gagging as water sloshes inside him and he tries to suck down some air.
“Jax? What happened? Are you okay?”
The rabbit laughs at that, forcing himself to look up. Ragatha is hovering over him, worry clear on her face. He glares at her for a moment, pushing himself up onto his knees. “What do you think, dollface?”
Ragatha falters a little at that, face blanching, and Jax knows why. Dollface was Ribbit’s moniker for her. Seemed fitting for Jax to take it up. He needs to get up. He’s got a job to do. Jax gets to his feet slowly, and Ragatha rushes in to help balance him.
“Whoa, whoa, slow down a second! You almost drowned, you need to rest.”
“What are you talking about? I wasn’t even in the water.”
“Wha— Jax!” Ragatha shrieks his name as Jax picks her up and tosses her with ease into the middle of the lake. The doll screams and flounders, her dress puffing up around her as she panics. Jax watches her for a moment. Ribbit would’ve stuck around to watch, would laugh til the last bubble popped, probably. It doesn’t make Jax laugh like he thought it would.
“Hey, Caine! Got a doll overboard out here!” He yells, waiting for that familiar pop of Caine inserting himself into existence, and then he turns and heads back up to the tent. Maybe they left Ribbit’s picture out. Maybe he’ll grab it before he heads to bed.