Chapter Text
Jax wandered the halls of the circus. Feet marching along, arms crossed against his chest, ordered onwards by his desire not to be still. Everywhere he found himself, he did not want to be. From one obnoxiously colourful corridor to another. He wandered like his thoughts, disgusted, aimless, and irritated by what he saw and thought, so he found himself simply moving on. He spied Ragatha and Pomni chatting together, Pomni so naturally playing with Ragatha’s hair as girls do, and a sharp pain of frustration cringed through his body. In a huff, he turned to his room. When he got to the corridor, he heard Gangle and Zooble giggling. Had he ever heard Zooble laugh like that? His mind groaned, and a jealous anger began swirling in his head. Was it jealousy? No, he was upset that Zooble was moving in on Gangle. When he felt like this, he could just ask Cain for an aimless adventure and see how far they could push Gangle. But it's not the same with Zooble around. Normally, he liked the challenge, but at the moment, he couldn’t do it. He turned, even angrier that his room had been taken from him as well. He walked, then ran, before jumping behind a corner. He heard them.
“Was that Jax?” Gangle asked, from her voice, he could tell she was still in her happy mask.
“Yeah… was he running?” Replied Zooble.
“I wonder what from, do you think he was spying on us?” said Gangle. Where did she get the gall to make accusations? She was the pathetic one.
“He'd better not,” said Zooble, all fun removed from her voice. “He’s been so off since his fight with Pomni. If he was spying on us, we could vote to put him in that maid dress again,” Zooble said, grinning, or their approximation of grinning.
“I could draw some inspiration for Cain,” Gangle said, conspiratorially.
“Oh [BONK] yes, show me.” Zooble was laughing again.
They turned to walk away.
Jax was hyperventilating again. Shit shit shit cmon you rabbit before someone sees you . Jax fought for their breath. And began that march around the circus again, hoping to find somewhere he had never gone before.
“[CRANK]ing girls, screw them.” He said it aloud, which took him aback for a second. Then he realised he was in a new place. It was just as garish as the rest of the circus, but in that way it was wholly ordinary. At the very least, he didn't recognise it. The only thing that made it stand out was the dim lighting, which was wholly unusual in the circus. It gave the bright colours a muted quality, which he appreciated.
The girls didn’t get it, how could they? Being him, he's the only boy. The thoughts made him uncomfortable, but they spilt out in a torrent. Since Kaufmo abstracted, he was the only guy. Kinger didn't count; he seems too old and married, plus he's nuts. Jax knew his thoughts were wrong; this is how he lost his Twitter account. This odd thought of the real world brought a small smile to his face. But it didn't stay. Jax removed himself from the fetal position on the floor of this mystery room, grabbed some polygon detritus off the floor that littered the circus and put them on a shelf at the edge of the room.
“See head and shoulders,” Jax announced to a tall white triangle. “Ragatha, Gangle, Pomni, and even Zooble. They have each other.” The words felt slimy, even for him. He grimaced before he let his grin slide back on his face. “Oh, you disagree, loofah.” The yellow rectangle was kind of like the loofah he took from his parents' bathroom when he moved out, though never used. “Those girls grew up girls, even Zooble, it's like speaking a different language, we boys never got to learn. I'm stuck on this side. They don't want to understand me.” The yellow box stared back as he thought about all the girls he was friends with as a child who just drifted away as he grew into himself.
“Ok, Ok, OK, Lynx Africa, one question at a time. See, being masculine, it's what I provide to the group. I provide the comedy.” He didn’t believe his own words, nor did the blue cylinder. “ I have to live as myself; boys don't get that kind of happiness. Ask any of them. Zooble can act all sad because they don't know what their body should be, but it's like that for all men; maybe that's the guy in Zooble. Unsure of their appearance. But really, they don't know how good they get it. At least the girls trust them. Girls get to be pathetic, and we men keep the order,” he was shouting now. He didn’t know why. Forgotten memories of being bullied in school, being different from the boys, even from the boys he hung out with. He quickly learned to stop being laughed at; he directed the laughing. Finding smaller people to pick on became a skill. Then he turned his head again.
Jax sighed. A pink cube lay menacingly on the shelf; he didn't remember picking it up. “Tampons my ex left at my place. I don't know why I'm like this now. I haven't been like this in so long.” He hadn't been to therapy since he was 20; he just learned to accept himself and began to go along with life. When he got trapped in the circus, when he had to get used to watching his friends being abstracted one by one, that is when he began to slip. He was on the floor again, pink cube in hand. His mind was now blank, and he was so, so, so tired. He wanted to cry; he felt like he should be crying. But he couldn’t. It’s like the script of how he behaves would not let him. Zooble was wrong; this didn't start with the fight with Pomni. It started when everyone ganged up on him with a maid's dress.
“From one person to another, that was some excellent talking to yourself.” Kinger appeared before Jax. Jax scowled, fear overwhelming him. “From a pro, however, I think the objects are a bit much. I find it helps to imagine them on a blank surface like a wall.”
“How much of that did you hear?” Jax almost whispered it.
“Hear what?” Kinger looked positively dumbfounded, in a dramatic way even for Kinger.
Jax looked at the pink cube again, playing with it in his hand. “Do you know how to stop hating yourself?”
Kinger’s lopsided eyes looked surprisingly sane, if that was any different from normal. “Well, normally I’d say it's a combination, self-love through delusion and radical acceptance. But for you, Jax, listening to you just now. I honestly don’t know.”
“Wait, so you were listening to me!” Jax shot up and pointed at Kinger. “God, not only are you useless but a creep as well.”
“Listen to what? Also, Jax, I can't tell you how to love yourself; you have to know who you are, then you can love that. But you have to know what that is.”
Jax paused for two seconds, eyes wide but focused and present, as he tried to define what his narrow and fleeting sense of self is. “Listen to, you know,” Jax gestured at his bathroom object proxies, “You, yknow? Be debating my bathroom objects.”
“Didn’t seem like much of a debate,” stated Kinger, “If you want a debate… I do have some points on your opinion of women, which I hope we could pencil in.”
Before this back and forth could proceed, Cain interrupted, appearing somehow from the teeth inside out with his rubbery body bleeding from his teeth. “AH, there you two are, it's time for the next adventure, come with me.”
“WAIT, CAIN,” Jax shouted. He was surprised when he managed to stop the ADHD AF host of the circus.
Cain floated down before Jax, suddenly very interested in what Cain. “Of course, Jax, I always have time for you and your queries. How can I help?”
A wide grin peeled its way across Jax’s face “Can you give me a body spray that makes people around me believe they can smell it. As we can’t actually smell.”
“Of course, Jax, what smell would you like?”
“Ever heard of Lynx Africa?”
The Gang appeared in the main Atrium of the Circus. Jax approached, spraying a healthy dose of his new spray.
“What is that smell?” Zooble gagged. “It smells like heterosexuality and the smell from boys' bedrooms.”
The whole gang retched a bit. Gangle, trying to cover where their nose should be, almost drops their happy mask.
“Oh, gangle, don't drop your mask, we have plenty of time for that.” Jax leers at Gangle as she unravels just a little. “Boys’ bedrooms? Zooble, you've been in one? And what, don’t you like my new smell?”
“Oh [BEEP] you, more bedrooms than you found yourself in.” Zooble replies. Taking Gangle's happy mask for her.
Pomni, confused as usual. “How can we smell you? I didn’t think any of us had noses. And how did Cain get it so accurate?”
“A special request from Cain. Hey, maybe you can ask him for a friend you can trust, Pomni.” Jax’s heart was racing, just a bit. When he did this, he felt safe. When things were unstable like this, anything could happen, and he was reassured as everyone else was weak and he was strong.
“What crawled up your [HONK] this morning?” Zooble asked accusingly. “Ok, you lone wolf, I bet you have stuff too, do you mind not making it our problem?”
Jax paused, before fainting, a heartbroken emotional breakdown, “Oh Zooble, you have me figured out. My heart is so full to burst.”
Zooble rolls their eyes, “Let's get this over with.”
“Oh, you’re joining us, Zooble?” Ragatha asks. Genuinely happy, but still clearly struggling with the smell.
“Yes, uugh.” They look at gangle and look away. “Umm, yeah, might have something cool like the guns.” They lied. Gangle looked away, flushed.
Bubble appeared, and Cain popped out of Bubble's mouth.
“So this one you will have to love. A KNIGHTS ADVENTURE, swords, knights, hordes of zombies, crossbows, magic.
“Ok, from that description alone, this might actually be cool.” Zooble conceded
“I was kind of done with violence,” Pomni whispered.
“Ooh, can I have a princess dress? I actually had some designs.” Gangle wiped a tear from their mask.
“Oh, Gangle, can I join you?” Ragatha blurted despite themself but seemed relieved when Gangle replied.
“Oh yes, this adventure might actually be fun.” Gangle smiled.
Jax’s stomach lurched. “What was that about zombies, Cain?”
“OH, the medieval Kingdom is overrun by zombies.” Cain exclaimed, “I’m SO excited, SO happy to see you all happy and excited!”
“After the last adventure conflicts, I'm so sorry to make you all jealous of me for winning the award.” Cain was sincere. “I thought we needed some team building, so you will all be chained together by an indestructible chain. Remember, if one of you dies, the rest of you will still need to carry the bodies of your allies.”
Everyone stood around in stunned silence. Gangle let out a sad groan.
“What says team building more than carrying around the corpse of your fallen Comrade?”
“If they are too heavy, you can just eat them,” Bubble added helpfully.
“You start in the dungeon”, Cain proclaimed.
“Oh, this will be great,” Jax said sarcastically.
The adventure was not fun at all.
They spawned in a dungeon, wet and dirty. As promised, they were chained together by a big chain, so they were all stuck together. Zombies shuffling behind bars growled and hissed at them.
Kinger was the first to die, pushed onto a spike when a zombie lunged at him. A zombie that Jax refused to kill with his axe whilst tormenting Pomni. He made Ragatha and Pomni carry Kinger.
Later, while leaving the dungeon. The entire gang is armed and beginning to feel the suffering. A cave in trapped Gangle on one side with Kinger. Gangle could slip through the intended hole, but not Kinger.
“Oi Gangle, like Bubble said, time to start munching.”
Zooble protested and told him to suck it. Then told Gangle not to leave them alone with Jax. Gangle spent a little too long sawing through King's body with a tiny knife, leaving just the stump of a chess piece. Gangle crawled through.
As they escaped, there were new zombies. As they watched these runners approach, Pomni whispered beneath their breath. “World War Z zombies.”
They all ran, Kinger’s base under Jax’s arm. Zooble couldn’t keep up their odd legs. They had an arm ripped off already. “Aww [BONK] it, whatever waiting room Cain has prepared is better than this.” At peace they let themself succumb to the hoard.
They took shelter in a medieval townhouse. Windows already boarded up.
“Oh no, Zooble, what about our representation?” Jax said, sneering.
Pomni rolled their eyes, “As if you care,” they muttered, loading a crossbow.
“What is even the point of this adventure? There's no objective.” Ragatha complained.
Cain appeared, “Yes, there is,” sounding hurt, “the cure is in the castle”, he gestured to a gap in the boarded windows, at the way they came.
They all groaned, except Jax, who kicked open the door enthusiastically. While fighting their way to the castle, Gangle was torn to even more ribbons. At the castle, Pomni was close to being burned alive in a lava trap, having an absolutely terrible time while Jax and Ragatha stood at the end of the great hall, one door away from ending the adventure. Swarms of taloned zombies are swarming them. Ragatha had a torn arm with fluff coming out. Jax was bitten, but he didn’t tell Ragatha that.
“You know I’m impressed, Rags ,” Jax panted, beheading a Zombie. “Didn’t think you would be the last one with me.”
“This is not a fun time, this is not good.” Ragatha cried, narrowly dodging a blow, trying to open a locked door with a silly puzzle. “Pomni is still alive as well.”
“Nice of you to finally admit that, but I disagree. This is so much fun,” Jax took out two more, “Oh and Pomni, I don't think will be around much longer.” Jax’s eyes went wide. “Hey, I know what his adventure needs. A princess for the macho hero to save, you can’t say I’m not playing the part.” Jax joked as he crushed a zombie skull in his hand, splashing blood on himself and Ragatha. “What do you say, Rags?”
“Noo Pomni, god I wish I was in the waiting room… Oh, stop being a [ZOINK] Jax. One, I told you I’m a lesbian.” She sighed, “Two, please don’t add being a creep to your pile of character flaws.” A click and the door opened. But all Jax could think was Really, since when was Rags Gay, and regretted not having a moment to comment on how really they had the representation all along. A good joke missed. “Ah, the antidote. We won!” Ragatha's relief was palpable.
As the giant door swung open, A giant zombie was revealed and immediately crushed Jax and Ragatha.
They were back at the Circus. Pomni lay on the floor, scorched. Gangle walked away, holding their ribbons together in her arms. Kinger was in two pieces and hopped along rolling his lower torso. Zooble was arguing with Cain; they were hopping along, missing an arm and a leg.
“Cain, where do you get the idea that these are fun adventures? That was actual torture.” Zooble was angry and struggling to hide it.
“What's wrong Zooble? Action, adventure, violence!” Cain protested. Animated with frustration, “You are impossible to please! I’m an award-winning, favourite character, critically acclaimed. Oh OH OH, I can't deal with you right now.” And popped from existence.
Everyone was silent for a moment. Zooble turned to Gangle, “Sorry about leaving you back there, Gangle. Here.” They said, handing Gangle her happy mask.
“It’s ok,” Gangle said softly, “Can you keep hold of it for a bit longer? My hands are a bit full,” she said, gesturing to the fact they were still holding onto their ribbons. A grin appeared around their tears, “Also, I win.”
“You do?” Replied Zooble,
“Our bet, silly, at the start,” Gangle said. Jax didn't remember this conversation. He remembered he was too busy making fun of Ragatha for putting a positive spin on the situation. “I had to stay alive long enough to kill more zombies. You were winning before you gave up.” Then they said even softer, “You owe me now.”
Zooble just stared at Gangle, dumbstruck. Jax couldn't let this go on. Sneaking up behind him, he put his arms around the two of them. Gangle nearly dropped their ribbons, and Zooble fell to the floor off balance, not before he snatched the happy mask.
“Oh, wouldn't want to drop that,” cackled Jax, as he threw the mask behind him. It shattered with a quiet clink. “You two are adorable.” Zooble just scowled at him, unable to get off the floor. “Gangle, that's a funny thing for you to say. It must have been hard for you to stay alive that long. I could have sworn the only moment you looked happy in that adventure was when you were killing yourself.” Jax was grinning from ear to ear. His eyes were wide. Only a foot from Gangle's face.
Gangle let their tears fall to the floor, they were paralysed, holding themself together.
Kinger was helping Zooble up. Jax could tell they wanted to hurt him, but instead they hopped towards Gangle, putting their remaining arm around her. “[BARP] off Jax.”
“Oh come on,” Jax exclaimed, “Ragatha basically said the same thing at the fast food place.”
“What, no, I didn’t?” Ragatha was mortified. She entered seemingly out of nowhere. For some reason, Jax had forgotten about her until now. She was still holding her arm on, the gash from the taloned zombie hadn’t gone away. “I’m so sorry, Gangle, I didn't mean to say that, I didn’t say that, did I? I already apologised for that at the Bar. Jax, Why?....” She trailed off. “Where’s Cain? He forgot to fix us? I have a needle and thread in my room. Pomni?” Pomni still lay morose on the floor. Kinger was retreating into his pillow fort. A bit of fluff fell from her arm “Darn. I'll do it myself.” Ragather ran off to the rooms.”
Gangle Wimpered, “I can’t make it to my room.”
“It’s ok”, Zooble still had their arm around Gangle. “Jax, Leave. Leave right now.”
“Oh come on -” Jax protested, but Zooble cut him off.
“Leave here, right now. I don't care where you go. But it can’t be here.” Zooble ordered him, and he left.
Jax followed the trail of fluff to Ragatha's room. He marched like this morning, the adventure didn’t help. He felt as hollow as before. In fact, he would say it never left him, not really. The only difference now was that he felt guilty. He would never admit that, not even to himself. He would definitely never apologise. He felt he needed to defend what little of himself he had left.
He saw the exit door and ignored it. He found Ragatha’s door ajar, with sounds of stress and exasperated whines bleeding from it.
“Jax, what do you want?” Ragatha was on the floor, with fluff around her. A needle and thread in her hand. She clearly couldn't sew her shoulder herself. She repeated herself more aggressively, “ What do you want?”
Jax looked her up and down. “Need a hand?” He waited for her to tell him to leave.
“Please.” is all Ragatha said.
He sat cross-legged behind her. And he placed his hand gently on her back as he placed her shoulder in the right place. Ragatha held her dress in place across her front shyly.
“You know how to sew?” She muttered. Her face was turned away, hidden in the darkness.
Jax didn’t say anything. Focused, he removed the needle from his lips. “My mum taught me to do it. When I was um, out of school. She taught me to fix my uniform. My family was broke. Jax put the needle through Ragatha to make the first stitch. Ragatha gasped a little. “Did that hurt?” He asked, more curious than concerned.
“No,” Ragatha quivered.
“Knew it,” he said, “Would be weird if we couldn't feel the pain of being torn up by zombies, but Cain made sure we felt a needle prick.” Jax moved the needle in and out of Ragatha’s back, repairing her body.
“No, but I still felt it,” Whispered Ragatha. Jax left a hole at the top, and began collecting the bits of stuffing from around the room and began putting it in her shoulder. Ragatha collected some as well and handed it to Jax behind her, their fingers brushing together for a second. “Jax…”
“Yes…”
“You're so mean, all the time. But I know you can be kind. Or at least…” Ragatha searched for her words. Jax finished, sewing the last bit of her shoulder. “I don't think people here want to hate you.” They paused as Jax finished her shoulder, pulling the thread tight, causing Ragatha to move with the force of his hands. She turned to face him. The dim light of the room showed her face. But Jax focused on nothing in the corner of the room off to the side. “Why did you say that, to gangle? That was mean even for you,”
“I don’t know.”
“Pomni told me what you told her. You seemed like you knew then.”
“I don’t know, “ but he felt like he did know. He didn’t. But there was part of him that did know; he could feel it. For some reason, right now. Feeling his heart beat, he had his dungarees in his hands. He felt like he could know, but what it was, he didn't know.
He looked up. He could see Ragatha was close, really close. She was practically kneeling on him, too close. She had abandoned holding her torn dress. And her shoulder that he was touching just moments ago was exposed; it was too intimate for him. It made him uncomfortable, like he was meant to be acting another way right now. But at the moment, he was nothing but himself. He was getting lost in her eyes as she was lost in his. He was trapped.
Ragatha’s eyes were wide, tears creeping at the corners like the ideas that Jax didn’t know. She whispered, “Why are you always in my head?”
She let a gasp escape her lips.
—--
Jax sat overlooking the circus. Alone. Mind blissfully overwhelmed by what the fuck was going on. With him. What the fuck did Ragatha mean by he's always in her head. Why was that the first time he felt alive? She was a lesbian, right? So why would she like him? He had partners before, but none that really made him feel like he did in Ragatha's room. He guessed he was always too busy playing a role.
“Hey, Jax.” It was Zooble. Fully formed with new limbs.
He was about to say hi, searching for a snarky comment. Zooble didn't let him talk.
“I’ll only say this once. This is the first and last time. If you talk like that again to Gangle. Not just Gangle, ANYONE. I will lock you in your room to abstract by yourself. I don’t give a flying [BING]. I don’t care what i have to promise Cain, or what I have to do to you. I will grab you by your dumb [HONK] dungarries and lock you in your room to DIE. Do I make myself clear?”
“I understand.” Jax looked up at Zooble, pathetically.
Jax assumed Zooble saw him then, but they clearly didn’t care. “Good.” Zooble turned, but something held them back. Did they see me, Jax thought. "Sort your shit out man, it's not too late for you."
And they walked away, leaving Jax alone.