Chapter Text
Other than when he was a newborn, there hasn’t been a period in Shin’s life where he wasn’t on the internet. Even when he tried, he just couldn’t tear himself away from it. In the seven or so years he’s actually spent talking to strangers online, people have come and gone. People he considered his friends, people he considered enemies, even people that he had a crush on or was dating. All of them meant nothing to him now. In all aspects, it was easy for him to get over people.
So why couldn’t he get over Hiyori?
This nightmare of a relationship started with one single notification on Twitter.
「日和 followed you」
Initially, Shin was a bit confused. He’s never heard of or (as far as he remembers) interacted with “Hiyori”. But going through their account, they didn’t seem that bad. Despite their rather corny bio, they retweeted posts about his favorite anime, even showed off some merch, as well as making a few posts about programming, which Shin is much more interested in than he’d like to admit. They shared a few mutuals, so Shin saw no reason not to follow back.
He didn’t really think much of it until Hiyori sent him a message a few hours later.
日和: “Hello ^^ Wyd?”
Shin was rather taken aback. He and Hiyori have barely interacted, so getting sent a DM from them was confusing to say the least.
shin🫧🪣: “hi???”
shin🫧🪣: “im gud i guess??”
Something strange Shin noticed is that despite Hiyori obviously being Japanese—obvious from the fact that they had several posts in Japanese—they contacted Shin on the account he speaks English on instead of his JPtwt account. And there’s no chance they just don’t know about it, considering Shin has it’s @ in his bio.
日和: “That’s nice to hear ^^”
日和: “Do you have Discord?”
shin🫧🪣: “uhh yeah its sh1ntsuki”
shin🫧🪣: “why??”
日和: “Oh nothing °-^”
Shin was weirded out by this guy to say the least. He lost himself in his own thoughts for a moment before a ding came from his phone, a discord notification.
「日和 has sent you a friend request」
Great, just great.
Shin looked at Hiyori’s profile. Their discord profile was more detailed than their twitter profile. Their profile picture was of a green-haired anime boy Shin didn’t recognize. Their status was probably song lyrics, but Shin didn’t recognize which song they were from. Their bio in particular caught Shin’s eye, though.
「Hiyori / 15 / He/Him pronouns / Diagnosed BPD」
So Hiyori was about a year older than him, alright. And he had BPD..
Shin himself didn’t have much knowledge on mental disorders—or personality disorders, on that note—but it was something that interested him. In the past, Shin had entertained the idea that he might have DID. In his perspective, it would explain so much. All the time he loses, the reason he “dissociates”, things he does that he doesn’t remember doing.. But in the end, that’s just grasping at straws, isn’t it? Shin is just a hormonal teenager trying to explain away the things he doesn’t see as normal, right?
Shin accepted the friend request.
Within the minute, Hiyori had already sent his first message.
Hiyori: “Helloo ^^”
shinny꩜꩜: “u really like the ^^ huh”
Hiyori: “Ah! You noticed ^^”
shinny꩜꩜: “yea”
shinny꩜꩜: “why do u talk like that”
Hiyori: “Like what?”
shinny꩜꩜: “like u capitalize ur letters and u type out you and shit”
Hiyori: “Can I not be grammatically correct? Sad…”
shinny꩜꩜: “-_-”
Hiyori: “You seem quite annoyed at me…”
Hiyori: “How was your day?”
Was this guy really 15, Shin wondered. He typed like an adult and seemed almost interested in the way Shin found it weird.
shinny꩜꩜: “stressfull i guess??”
shinny꩜꩜: “im so fucking tired of school”
Hiyori: “Aren’t we all?”
Hiyori: “It’s unreasonable for our futures to depend on what we do in our most immature ages.”
This guy is probably an adult, Shin decided, but he decided to entertain their conversation either way.
shinny꩜꩜: “u talk alot like an adult -_-”
Hiyori: “I’m not talking, silly, I’m typing!”
Hiyori: “But really, do I? I assume I talk normally”
Hiyori: “Is it bad to want to type in a grammatically correct way?”
shinny꩜꩜: “no but u get it”
Hiyori: “I honestly don’t!”
shinny꩜꩜: “¬_¬”
Hiyori: “You hurt my feelings, Shin!”
Why is Hiyori talking like they were close friends? He barely knows this guy, and from one conversation he’s come to the conclusion that Hiyori is either lying about being a minor or is simply very weird.
shinny꩜꩜: “good u shuld be hurt”
Hiyori: “Gah! So horrible to little ol me!”
shinny꩜꩜: “punch punch punch”
Hiyori: “Aagh! You wound my heart, Shinny...”
shinny꩜꩜: “dont fucking call me that”
Hiyori: “It’s your name, no?”
shinny꩜꩜: “ya but its only for close close friends”
Hiyori: “Oh, understandable.”
Hiyori: “I’m sorry.”
shinny꩜꩜: “its??? okay??? i guess”
Hiyori: “Thank you!”
shinny꩜꩜: “geez ur weird”
Hiyori: “Sorryy.. Can’t help it! ;P”
Shin didn’t know how to respond. Rather, he didn’t want to respond. He went back on Twitter and looked at Hiyori’s account, specifically looking at their mutuals. He was shocked to see 🥞, or rather, Maple. As oomfs, they weren’t that close. They were in a few servers together and they talked one-on-one sometimes, but that was it. Shin knew Maple was also diagnosed with BPD, but Hiyori doesn’t seem like the type of guy Maple would be interested in.
Shin took a screenshot of Hiyori’s twitter profile and discord profile. Then, he sent a message to Maple.
shinny꩜꩜: “hey maple”
🥞: “shinny!! ^^ haiii”
Shin sent the screenshots of Hiyori’s profiles, along with the message “do u know this guy?”
Maple responded almost immediately.
🥞: “!!!!!! thats croomf!!!!!!”
shinny꩜꩜: “huh,,?????”
🥞: “aaaaaaaa hiyori is so cool i love him so much ^^!!!!”
🥞: “whyre u asking??”
shinny꩜꩜: “he followed me and immediately started messaging me”
shinny꩜꩜: “wiat so is he actually 15”
🥞: “mhm!! he just talks like that cuz he likes to ^^”
🥞: “hes so sweet i love him smmmmmm”
shinny꩜꩜: “hes kinda weird”
🥞: “he so tiny and weirddddd”
shinny꩜꩜: “okay man ¬_¬”
So Hiyori isn’t an adult? That’s.. shocking to say the least. Shin did imagine that Hiyori might just be a weirdo, but he thought it was only a tiny chance! But Hiyori is actually fifteen! By the way Maple talks about him, he would assume that they’ve seen eachother’s faces and talk rather often. Shin did know that Maple had a burner where she talked to and about her crushes and/or boyfriends, so that’s why he hasn't heard of him before..
In the small time he was talking to Maple, Hiyori had bombarded him with messages.
Hiyori: “Won’t you respond, Shin?”
Hiyori: “Shin? Are you there? Hello? I can see you’re online.”
Hiyori: “Shiiiiiiiiiin?”
Hiyori: “Hey!!”
Hiyori: “Surely you aren’t ignoring me?”
Hiyori: “So mean!”
shinny꩜꩜: “geez i was gone for like 2 mins ¬_¬”
Hiyori: “There you are!”
shinny꩜꩜: “why r u so attatched to me lol”
Hiyori: “I’m not attached to you. I just don’t like being ignored.”
shinny꩜꩜: “i wasnt ignoring u”
shinny꩜꩜: “just asking sum1 else abt u”
Hiyori: “Oh? Who did you ask?”
shinny꩜꩜: “wuldnt u like to know”
Hiyori: “No need to hesitate, I know it’s Maple”
Hiyori: “She told me about it”
That idiot.
Hiyori: “Are you really that curious about me, Shin?”
shinny꩜꩜: “yeah”
shinny꩜꩜: “ur kinda weird”
Hiyori: “Didn’t you call me that already?”
shinny꩜꩜: “doesnt make it wrong ¬_¬”
Hiyori: “You sure do love that emoticon!”
shinny꩜꩜: “its so relatable”
Hiyori: “You really are cute, haha”
shinny꩜꩜: “???”
Hiyori: “Cutieee cutiee ^^”
shinny꩜꩜: “LEAVE ME ALONE”
Shin closed his phone screen. He’s had enough today. It’s late too, 2AM since last Shin checked. And tomorrow is a Tuesday. So Shin better just go to sleep. Why were both Maple and Hiyori awake so late anyways? Who cares? Shin laid in bed and went to sleep.
Shin could barely sleep, as usual.
In the morning, Shin didn’t even check his phone. He immediately got up and ready for school. Which is telling considering how much Shin hates school. His grades were never great and Shin felt that he couldn’t change them, so he simply gave up.
Although Shin had to give in and slip a few glances at his phone during class. He just ignored the notifications from Hiyori, and focused on the people he was actually close to. But he can’t really avoid Hiyori forever, right? Even if he ignores him, Hiyori will probably find a way to clog up his inbox. So he inhaled and opened his DM’s from Hiyori.
Hiyori: “You’re so silly, hehe ^^”
Sent at 1:47 AM yesterday—well, today, but Shin doesn’t really care. After that, Hiyori might’ve realized Shin had gone to bed, and sent:
Hiyori: “Goodnight ^^”
Talk about overuse.. Shin almost felt violated that Hiyori would send him a text like that, as if they’re close friends. To Shin, they will never be.
As Shin scrolled through the previous night’s conversation, he felt strangely uneasy. Shin is no stranger to weird feelings, anxiety, amalgamations of emotion he can’t seem to grasp. This felt different. What Shin was feeling, in his understanding, wasn’t anxiety. It was more akin to a fight or flight response. Shin felt as if his entire body—his mind, his heart, his stomach—was telling him to run. If he wasn’t in class at the moment, he’d be running around his room trying to find a way to metaphorically flee.
But that’s just an overreaction, right? Shin, just like many his age who grew up on the internet, isn’t as mentally sound as he should be, and he’s very much aware of that. If he knows his own senses can’t be trusted, then who can he trust other than himself?
Shin caught himself with a hesitant, stupid smile on his face. He hadn't even read all of Hiyori’s messages and yet he already caught himself spiraling. It was so stupid, he couldn’t help but smile. If he kept acting like this, someone might notice and tell the teacher. He put his phone back in his pocket and stared up at the blackboard, not actually paying attention to class or understanding anything.
When the bell rang, he was one of the first to leave. He had nobody to talk to, no friends he’d like to hang out with. Instead, he made a detour to the bathroom, entered one of the stalls, and pulled out his phone. The first thing he was greeted with was an influx of discord notifications. Specifically, from the server he has with his closest friends.
nao(KITTEN): “dummyy dummyy :3”
reko(ALPHA): “ur 13 shouldnt u be in class”
nao(KITTEN): “ur 16 shuldnt u be dating sum1 ur age”
reko(ALPHA): “3 YEARS IS A NORMAL AGE GAP”
shinnyFAGGOT: “reko is a groomer? goat is washed?”
shinnyFAGGOT: “WHY AM I SHINNYFAGGOT”
nao(KITTEN): “ill change it”
shinny(SIGMA): “?”
shinny(SIGMA): “okay thats worse”
reko(GROOMF): “I AM NOT A GROOMER”
reko(GROOMF): “CHANGE MY NAME”
eggboy: “Tragic..”
shinny(SIGMA): “nobody cares abt ur autism”
eggboy: “?”
nao(kitten:3): “total kai obliteration”
eggboy: “What did I do.. So tragic”
shinny(SIGMA): “lets all beat kai to death”
eggboy: “?????????”
nao(kitten:3): “wiat”
nao(kitten:3): “okay”
eggfucker: “?”
eggfucker: “?????”
shinnysigma: “lmao eggfucker”
shinnysigma: “sum1 tell nao to stop changing our names lol”
nao(kitten:3): “total kai autism diagnosis”
reko(GROOMF): “just typing anything”
eggfucker: “My brother and I used to fry eggs and then throw them at each other while they were still in the pan. We were 7 and had no fear as we were both autistic.”
shinnysigma: “??????????”
「shinnysigma pinned a message to this channel. See all pinned messages.」
nao(kitten:3): “always talking abt eggs lets kill this guy”
eggfucker: “Bullying..”
Shin sent the screenshots he had taken of Hiyori’s profile the night prior.
shinnysigma: “this guy keeps messaging me hes so weird like i didnt respond within like 2 mins and he sent me like 6 messages”
shinnysigma: “also he sent me a goodnight message eevn tho weve only had one convo?? who does he think he is”
nao(kitten:3): “aww true love”
shinnysigma: “?? i am NOT touching thsi guy”
reko(GROOMF): “no one said anything abt touching him calm ur balls”
shinnysigma: “??? CALM UR BALLS???”
eggfucker: “Talk to him just be careful”
shinnysigma: “waow u guys r so helpful”
nao(kitten:3): “r u in class rn”
shinnysigma: “no im hiding in the bathroom cuz its lunchtime”
nao(kitten:3): “arent u gonna eat”
reko(GROOMF): “this guy really said lunchtime”
shinnysigma: “not eating #fasting”
eggfucker: “You’re religious?”
shinnysigma: “no im anorexic”
eggfucker: “Okay”
eggfucker: “Do you want an egg”
shinnysigma: “i am NOT taking an egg from eggfucker”
eggfucker: “☹️”
shinnysigma: “im going offline im so tired i dont wanna do anything”
Shin shut his phone and leaned on the wall of the bathroom stall, zoning out. His eyes glazed over as he stared at nothing in particular. It was quiet, and Shin truly felt alone. He really hadn’t noticed the ache in his stomach until he typed it out. He had to have been fasting for at least 16 hours now. Maybe he can sneak just a sip of soup, or maybe a candy? But what if he throws up? He’d rather not, bile feels awful against his teeth after he pukes. Why can’t he just be normal?
Before Shin comprehended the time that had passed, the bell rang again. Shin looked up as if there was a clock on the ceiling, but was met with nothing but grayness. He didn’t feel like moving. He didn’t feel like leaving the stall, walking all the way to his next class, sitting down.. He didn’t even feel like pulling his phone out and rotting. Even the sudden loss of energy was exhausting. Shin could feel it all, suddenly. He could feel the intensity of his eyebags that came about from not being able to sleep most nights. He could feel how uncomfortable wearing clothes is, how the fabric felt against his body. He could feel every strand of hair touching his neck, even if his scarf fully covered it. He suddenly felt warm, he could feel the sweat forming and dripping down his forehead, his neck, his back. He blinked. Everything was going black.
And when he came to again, he was sitting in his seat in his classroom. And everything was normal except for the uncomfortable heat around his neck. Which is strange, because heat for Shin is usually the opposite of uncomfortable. All of his thoughts were something along the lines of “what the fuck just happened?”.
His own voice rang out in his head, “You puked, Shin”. But Shin felt like he wasn’t the one thinking. Were his thoughts his? Was the voice in his head really him? Shin started shaking, he felt like he was about to explode into a million pieces. His heart was beating faster than he has ever remembered and he couldn’t hear or feel anything around him. As if he was in a blank void, his proprioception as well as all of his senses gone. Is he dead, Shin wondered. Maybe he fell and broke his neck in that bathroom stall and this is some kind of weird limbo hell he was trapped in?
All the overwhelming sensations left as quickly as they came. Shin felt.. okay. He looked around, panicking. He thought everyone would be staring at him, trying to figure out what was wrong with him, but everyone was minding their own business and everything seemed normal.
Shin has always been like a ghost in his class, an invisible human. If he missed a day, it would be obvious that someone was missing, but nobody would be able to pinpoint who. And if he did miss a day, nobody would come up to him and ask why or where he was. Nobody bothered with someone like him, so it was expected for nobody to care when he was struggling or even if he was sick in the middle of class. So why did it hurt so much?
Shin is used to not being noticed. Nobody but his parents and people on the internet have taken time out of their day to notice him, talk to him, praise him. And that was okay, because he didn’t want or care for attention from others. So why does he feel like this right now? Hesitantly, he pulled out his phone and opened discord, sending a message to Hiyori.
shinny꩜꩜: “omfg the worst thing thats ever happened to me just happened”
Hiyori: “Oh? Shin? Aren’t you supposed to be in class at this hour?”
Hiyori responded almost immediately.
shinny꩜꩜: “shuldnt u ¬_¬”
Hiyori: “I am in class! I just couldn’t resist talking to you ^^”
shinny꩜꩜: “siiigh”
Hiyori: “Well? What happened, Shin?”
shinny꩜꩜: “okay so i was in the school bathroom and suddenly i was feeling tired and everything was overwhelming and i could feel everything and suddenly i blacked out and i heard the voice in my head say that i puked and when i woke up i was in class and suddenly i felt like i was in an abyss and i didnt have any of my senses adn i couldnt feel anything and then everything felt fine??? idkkk”
Hiyori took a second to respond.
Hiyori: “That sounds worrying. Do you have anyone in your (real) life you could tell?”
How helpful.
shinny꩜꩜: “i guess my parents?? or my school nurse”
Hiyori: “Try telling them. This might be a serious health issue, Shin! You can’t ignore your health!”
Hiyori: “Make sure to stay warm, eat healthy, and drink enough water!”
shinny꩜꩜: “hiyori im anorexic ¬_¬”
Hiyori: “!!!!!!!!!!”
Hiyori: “That’s horrible! Your weight doesn’t matter, Shin! You need to eat healthy! There’s nothing wrong with being fat, anyways!”
shinny꩜꩜: “im not fat loll #bmi13”
Hiyori: “WHAT?!”
Hiyori: “That’s extremely unhealthy!”
Hiyori: “If I ever suspect that I see you in real life I’ll take you out on a date and feed you until you pass out!!”
If Shin wasn’t so desperate for attention, he would’ve thought that was weird. But at the time, he couldn’t stop smiling. He wanted to giggle like a baby playing peekaboo.
shinny꩜꩜: “hehehehehe”
shinny꩜꩜: “shuld i tell the school nurse so i can get out and go home and talk to u more”
Hiyori: “You should tell the nurse because you’re sick and shouldn’t be in class!”
shinny꩜꩜: “hheeehhehehehehehehehehehe”
Hiyori: “You might get someone else sick if you stay! Plus, who’d rather be at school than at home?”
shinny꩜꩜: “i wanna go home an see my plushies (´ ˘ `)”
Shin felt weirdly happy. Ecstatic, euphoric, exhilirated even. And it was really out of nowhere. Shin didn’t feel like himself. He felt like he wasn’t controlling his body, he was watching himself move from his point of view but he wasn’t in control.
Hiyori: “You have plushies? How cute!”
shinny꩜꩜: “hehehehehehe yeah i have so many cute plushies on my bed they watch me sleep and guard me hehehehheeh”
Hiyori: “Maybe I can guard you too! Haha ^^”
Hiyori: “Have you gone to the nurse’s office yet?”
shinny꩜꩜: “no im gunna wait till break cuz i dont wanna get up in the middle of class”
Hiyori: “Okay, just take care. Talk to you later ^^”
shinny꩜꩜: “ttyl ♡♡♡♡♡♡”
Truly, Shin didn’t want Hiyori to go. He wanted more attention, more worry. It felt nice having Hiyori hover over him, worried about his health. It felt like a mother’s love. It was a complete change from yesterday, he felt a need for Hiyori to see him and feel for him and worry about him and care for him and— Shin took a deep breath. Even if he wasn’t talking out loud, he felt like he needed to inhale. He looked at the time, this period should be ending soon. He needs to go back home and talk to Hiyori as soon as possible.
The bell rang sooner than Shin expected. He got up and walked to the nurse’s office with way more energy than a sick person could have. He toned it down before opening the door.
“Miss..?” Shin looks around. “Ah.. I’m not feeling well.. Earlier I— I threw up.. and I feel really hot.. Like I have a fever..”
“Oh my..!” The nurse gasped out. Shin made his way over to one of the beds and sat down, awaiting examination.
The nurse took his temperature as well as asking him the basic questions, and as it turns out, Shin had a fever. And of course, he was allowed to leave. As soon as he got home, he took his shoes off and laid in bed.
He pulled out his phone and sent a message to Hiyori.
shinny꩜꩜: “im home :3”
Hiyori: “That’s good! You should get some rest now”
Hiyori responded, fast as always.
Shin held one of his plushies close, a cute kitty that he had pulled from a claw machine. He positioned his phone above him and made a cute, clueless-looking expression (that’s what guys are into, right?) all before snapping a photo and sending it to Hiyori with the message:
shinny꩜꩜: “i have a fever gghhhhh
It took a moment for Hiyori to respond.
Hiyori: “That’s you? You’re so cute!”
He also sent a photo, seemingly of himself. He looked like the anime boy he had in his profile picture, almost like he drew it or commissioned it to look like himself. He was wearing a school uniform and with the angle of the photo, it was obvious that Hiyori was in school and trying not to get caught on his phone. He was quite a handsome guy for his age.
shinny꩜꩜: “wait ur pfp is supposed to be u?!?!?”
Hiyori: “Yep! I drew it myself ^^”
shinny꩜꩜: “꩜_꩜”
Hiyori: “Hehe! You’re so cute suddenly!”
Hiyori: “It’s completely opposite to how you were acting yesterday.”
shinny꩜꩜: “well i want attention today!!!!!!!”
shinny꩜꩜: “im sick plz nurse me back to health :3”
Hiyori: “Haha! You really are adorable. Pat pat pat!”
shinny꩜꩜: “hehheheheheheh pet me pet meee”
Hiyori: “Also, make sure to eat ^^”
shinny꩜꩜: “im not hungry ¬_¬”
Hiyori: “I don’t care, you’re underweight so you should eat.”
shinny꩜꩜: “¬_¬¬_¬¬_¬ fine cuz im sivk ill tell my mom to make me corn potage”
Hiyori: “Good! ^^ I have to get back to class now. Talk later?”
shinny꩜꩜: “yess :3 bai”
Well there goes 16 hours down the drain. All for some guy.. Shin could really go for some corn potage though, sick or not. Soup was basically the only thing Shin could eat without throwing up. Plus, Shin really likes corn. He went into his usual server.
shinnysigma: “everyone i have a big announcement”
shinnysigma: “i have a fever and will prob be staying homw this week”
eggfucker: “We know you’re gay, there’s no need to come out”
eggfucker: “Oh”
eggfucker: “Get better soon and make sure to eat, drink, and sleep well”
nao(kitten:3): “awwweee get better soon stay in bed and rest ^^”
reko(GROOMF): “stay in bed u deserve some rest”
shinnysigma: “thanks guys!!!”
shinnysigma: “probably gonna take a nap now goodbye”
Shin shut his phone. He felt happy that he had friends that were friends who appreciated him and wished him a swift recovery. He came to love his little group of losers. Shin pressed the stomach of the stuffed cat he was holding, causing it to meow. He pressed again and again and again. The type of things he did only when he was alone. But it did get Shin thinking. Why was he so different sometimes?
Sometimes Shin was a complete recluse, not wanting to talk to anything or anyone in person and being critical of everything and everyone. But other times, he felt cutesy and adorable, like a little boy or those camboys that pretend to be cute and helpless for their audience. But Shin knows he isn’t pretending. When he feels cute, Shin craves attention and praise. He likes being babied and cared for. But when he feels like his regular self, Shin doesn’t want to talk to anyone but his close friends and is generally mean-spirited.
..And there’s a side of him he doesn’t like thinking about. Sometimes, Shin wakes up feeling that life is completely worthless and that he should just.. jump off the school’s rooftop. But Shin is too afraid of pain and death to do something like that. So he just cuts himself. The cuts from razor blades are easy to hide with his jacket and the excuse that it’s too comfortable to take off. The cutesy side of him hates it, because scars make him seem less clueless and innocent. If someone he was interested in saw those scars, they’d realize he’s not the innocent, adorable boy he makes himself out to be, but that he also has dark thoughts and does horrible things to himself.
Shin felt like these parts of himself weren’t really himself. Whenever he felt cutesy or suicidal, he also felt empty. Like he wasn’t in control of his own body or his own thoughts, but rather he was watching himself from a first person point of view. It made him angry. He squeezed the stuffed kitty tightly. Why was he always so different? Why can’t he just be a normal kid with normal thoughts and normal feelings and normal friends? Why does he have to gag at the thought of talking to people in person or showing his feelings to anyone or eating?
Shin checked his phone again. Hiyori had sent him another message.
Hiyori: “I’m out of class now (break), want to talk?”
Shin responded as fast as he could.
shinny꩜꩜: “yes!!!!!!!”
Hiyori: “Oh? Someone sounds excited.”
shinny꩜꩜: “im just so lonelyyyy”
Hiyori: “I was wondering”
Hiyori: “Are you perhaps suicidal?”
shinny꩜꩜: “?????!!????”
shinny꩜꩜: “y r u asking?!??”
Hiyori: “Because your username on Twitter is shinnytai.”
shinny꩜꩜: “oh (ᵕ—ᗜ—)”
Hiyori: “So if you feel like you want to die or anything like that, please tell me. Okay?”
shinny꩜꩜: “okay..꩜_꩜”
Hiyori: “Also, feel free to call me now if you want.”
Shin didn’t hesitate to take him up on that offer. He pressed the call button on the top right of the screen and called Hiyori.
He seemed to be inside his school’s restrooms, but it was strange that he had his camera on.
“Well hello~ Won’t you show your face?”
“Well— I’d rather not..”
“Haha~ A cute voice for a cute boy!”
“A— ah.. Well.. You have— a nice voice too!”
“Are you resting, Shin?”
“Yeah.. I’m in bed!”
“That’s good! Have you eaten yet?”
“N— no.. My mom’s kinda busy and she hasn’t checked up on me yet..”
“Oh? Then just go tell her yourself!”
“I can’ttt.. Too tired..”
“Oh my dear Shin! Maybe you should give me your address so I can come over and cook for you!”
“A— ah..”
“That’s a joke, of course. Don’t give your address out to people on the internet! That’s dangerous, Shin!”
Shin couldn’t help but chuckle. He felt weird. Like the part of him that was empty was being filled while he was still conscious.
“I— I won’t.. Hehe..”
“Good! Be a good boy and get some rest, now.”
“I— I will, thank you, Mido— Uhm, Hiyori..”
“..Huh? What were you about to call me?”
“M— Midori– because you’re.. You’re green..”
Shin could see Hiyori trying to hold in a laugh before he burst out laughing, putting his hand in front of his mouth and almost dropping his phone. Shin couldn’t tell if he felt horrible for calling Hiyori green or happy that he made Hiyori laugh.
“Haha—! Because– because I’m green..! You’re so sweet, Shin! Aha..”
“I— I’m sorry—”
“No, it’s okay! So cute! I’m green, haha..!”
“Ahh..”
“Call me Midori as much as you want, okay? So cuteee..” Hiyori mused.
“Okay.. Hah.. I’m sorry..”
“It’s okay, Shin.”
Just then, Shin heard a school bell ring from Hiyori’s side of the call. They both quickly shared their goodbyes before Hiyori left the call, and so did Shin.
Shin buried his head in his pillow. Midori? What was he even thinking? What if he made Hiyori insecure by pointing out how green his hair is? Shin wished he could stop breathing. Shin never wanted to die, he just wanted to disappear. Stop existing, without having to die or feel pain or have anyone worry about him.
Shin made his way to the window in his room and opened it. He leaned on the windowsill, staring out into the sky and the neighbouring houses. At that moment, Shin was overtaken by an intense feeling of sonder. His friends were out there somewhere, Hiyori was probably out there somewhere sitting in class and maybe thinking about Shin. There are so many people, and a lot of them are probably struggling with the same issues Shin is struggling with. So why can’t he feel normal?
A soft breeze hit Shin’s face, playing with his hair and chilling his fevered face. Shin felt like he was about to puke. Without even closing the window, he rushed to the bathroom and kneeled over the toilet. He kept gagging, but only a bit of bile came out. His stomach still hurt, probably because it was empty. There was a knock on the bathroom door, probably Shin’s mom who heard him running to the bathroom from downstairs. The door behind him slowly opened. Shin felt exposed, even as his mom rushed to his side to help him, promising to make him soup to feel better.
He carried himself back to his room and dropped like a corpse onto his bed. He felt like he couldn’t move anymore, or else he’d die. He stared up blankly at the ceiling before turning to lay on his side. He didn’t feel tired, per se, but he couldn’t stop his eyes from shutting for a few seconds too long. He didn’t feel like he wanted to sleep, but he fell asleep anyways, without a single thought in his mind.