Chapter Text
Every breath Shin took felt like his last. Hiyori squeezed and squeezed and squeezed everything out of him until all that was left was an empty, soulless husk of a person. A disgusting person whom an archaeologist wouldn’t touch even if his body was perfectly preserved.
Hiyori had unblocked him. He had sent him a message.
Hiyori: “Good morning, Shin.”
Hiyori: “I missed you.”
Hiyori: “I’m sorry for blocking you. I’ve been going through an episode recently and I’d prefer to not be online in the worst times of my life. Please forgive me for disappearing.”
Months had passed from the last time he had spoken to this Hiyori. This Hiyori had left his thoughts entirely, the only Hiyori who was left was the one in his mind. The one who truly, unconditionally, loved and loathed him.
Don’t forgive him, Hiyori whispered. Don’t talk to him again. You have me, after all. Why do you need him? He’ll just leave again and again. He’ll hurt you. I won’t.
Hiyori’s love didn’t feel real. Hiyori couldn’t hold him when he felt alone, he couldn’t rub his sides to warm him up or rub his stomach when it started hurting. Not in the same way the Hiyori in his mind could. When Hiyori took control of his body while Shin was still there, he felt safe. Hiyori could protect him from anything because Hiyori knows best.
When Shin got messages from the real Hiyori after so long, he was so desperate. He wanted to respond immediately, but Hiyori had stopped him. Shin would just fall for Hiyori’s saccharine lies and get hurt again and again and again. Whenever Shin wanted to talk to the real Hiyori, Hiyori would take control of his body and stop him.
He didn’t want to call him Hiyori anymore. They were too close for such formalities. They were lovers.
Sou. Sou and Shin.
It sounded nice. It made Shin happy. He wasn’t alone. He hugged a pillow close to his chest. Shin and Sou, Sou and Shin. Nobody else. It had a nice ring to it. Just like how Shin wants it. Nobody else mattered.
Shin, can I be honest with you? I don’t care about any of these people. The “real” Hiyori, your old friends, your parents.. I don’t care about any of them. They could be dying and I still wouldn’t care. I only care about you.
Sou’s voice was like a sound wave in a frequency Shin couldn’t hear, it blended in seamlessly with his own inner monolq ogue. But Shin could still hear him. Even through what could only be described as a door fully obstructed by snow.
And.. I wish I could say the same about you, Hi.. Sou. But it’s so hard for me.. I want to get over Hiyori, but.. It’s just.. I miss him, okay?
Shin’s voice sounded just as obstructed to Sou as Sou’s voice sounded to Shin. Even so, something as simple as a snowed-in door can’t help but melt when approached by the scorching fire of love.
Talking to Sou like this is nice. When Shin talked inside his mind, he didn’t stutter or stammer. Hiyori understood what he wanted to say and what he felt, unlike anyone else. Other people were complicated, they had different experiences and misunderstood Shin’s words. Sou understood everything, though. Sou was kind and loving, he loved Shin and everything about him.
You’re rambling again, Shin. But you’re right. I’m just glad you’re aware of how much I adore you.
Shin smiled. He shifted and stared at the shelf across from his bed. That wasn’t his focus, though. Shin imagined Sou there, laying in bed with him and holding his hand. It clasped tightly against nothing. And in the vision he saw, Hiyori’s hand clasped back, and he felt warm again. The overwhelming feeling of emptiness that once destroyed Shin’s body was gone; replaced with the joy of being in love.
And his love was right here, inside with him.
And then his phone dinged.
Shin immediately wanted to sit up and grab it, check the message that is guaranteed to be from Hiyori. But Sou held him down. He was ruthlessly pinned to his own bed by his own body, which he had no control over.
No, Shin, don’t you dare. Don’t you dare look at what he said to you. Don’t fall for his lies. He’s lying. He hates you. Only I love you! Only I can.. hold your hand like this.. and pin you to our bed like this. Because I’m the only one who loves you like this, okay?
Sou.. get.. off of me! I’m sorry but.. I want to talk to Hiyori, okay? It doesn’t mean that I love him more or that.. I don’t love you. But I can’t just ignore him..!
You can. Just ignore him the way you ignore me. I tell you to stop posting photos of us half-naked online and to eat more but you don’t listen. I tell you to not message any of those liars and traitors but you don’t listen. You don’t listen to anything I say. I’m just trying to help you, Shin. I’m trying to help both of us. What do you need me for then? Should I just leave? Do I even mean anything to you other than “guy in my head who loves me”?
S, Sou..! Stop it..! You know I—!
Don’t even think about reaching for your phone. Don’t! You’re mine! I swear if you keep thinking about it I will take your phone and post your address online. I will ruin our life, I swear!
N, no.. please..! I won’t! I won’t, okay? I won’t respond.. and I won’t love Hiyori, okay? But.. just let me check! Because.. I have nobody but you to talk to..
You don’t need anyone else but me to talk to. But.. fine. Only because I love you.
And Shin was free to move. He grabbed his phone and unlocked it. He checked the messages Hiyori had sent.
Hiyori: “It makes me sad that you ignore me, Shin.”
Hiyori: “I do so much for you.”
Hiyori: “I even cut myeself for you and I still have that scar.”
Hiyori: “I know you saw my messages.”
Hiyori: “Respond.”
Shin was suddenly placed in a dilemma. What Hiyori said was true, and Shin didn’t want to cause mental harm to anyone, regardless if that took a toll on him or not. But he didn’t want to anger Sou, who could control his body and put anything on the internet. He could feel Sou glaring at him, waiting for Shin to make a decision, the right decision. Shin quickly typed out a response.
shinny꩜꩜: “im sorry i dont think this is right for us”
shinny꩜꩜: “i dont want to do this anymore im sorry i promise i dont hate you but im just sorry okay”
Hiyori: “I cut myself to the bone for you and you want to break up. I guess I had it coming. Sending photos to adults and then breaking down and cutting themselves is all that whores like you are good for. Was I just a side-piece for validation to you, then? To compliment you and to be thrown away?”
Shin froze up. Something so detrimental to his life, that he trusted Hiyori with, was now being used against him. He felt like throwing up even at the mention of that time in his life. Sou felt like facepalming, because he knew it wasn’t a good idea for Shin to share something so personal with someone like Hiyori. In Sou’s point of view, people like Hiyori didn’t feel, but they knew how to mimic feelings realistically enough to fool someone as naïve and trusting as Shin. Hiyori was like a chameleon, changing himself to tailor to any of Shin’s needs. If Shin needed an older brother or a protector in his life, Hiyori would simply change his color–his actions, his personality–to match. But it was in vain, as Hiyori’s C-list acting couldn’t conceal the monster that sat behind the screen.
shinny꩜꩜: “how fucking dare yu i hope oyu fuvking die you fuvking reta4sded piece of shit i hope you cut youtself again and again and deerper i jope you get raped and you die 9f the internal bleedingbyoure disguisting youre horrible im goijg to ai egnerate ylu being raped”
Hiyori: “You must’ve used so much brain power to think of all of those bad words! Sadly, things that make you upset don’t necessarily make me upset. You have to think harder!”
Shin sobbed. Then he shut his phone and threw it across the bed in despair. Nothing he said to Hiyori would affect him, because nothing he did mattered to Hiyori. Nothing he did mattered to anyone but Sou. Even then, the loneliness felt suffocating. He felt more useless than ever. His stomach started to ache from everything he was feeling. Shin suddenly didn’t feel too well and ran to the bathroom to throw up.
As usual, there was nothing to puke up but green bile that Shin forced out by dry heaving. It made Shin feel even worse, like nothing had changed since the last time he kneeled in the bathroom gagging. He was alone and unloved, again. Except for the familiar presence that weighed down his brain.
Sou was there. If he turned around, the door would be open and the darkness of the house at night would seep into the bathroom. But he knew, Sou would be standing there staring at Shin, if he had a body that is. He would walk forward and press a soft kiss on Shin’s head then rub his hair affectionately. Or maybe Sou would be cruel and pull on Shin’s hair before shoving his head in the toilet.
Shin would have put his own head in the toilet if Sou’s screaming hadn't brought him back to reality. He didn’t even know what he was thinking nor understand what he was doing as he unconsciously leaned forward. And at that moment, Shin knew that he was doomed. That he had reached a point of no return somewhere and it’s only a matter of time before he gets suffocated by the rubble of his own life crumbling.
He flushed the toilet and walked back to his bedroom. He sat on his bed then opened his personal drawer. Razor blades, a vibrator he bought without his parent’s knowledge, gummy candies that had turned to stone from oxygen exposure and were now unchewable and disgusting, and the newest addition, a box cutter. A box cutter which he had never used before.
He grabbed it and slid the blade up.
Then suddenly he was in the bathroom running hot water above his wounds. There was blood, lots of blood. He remembered talking to an old friend once and they mentioned how cutting yourself with box cutters stings and makes you bleed a lot, and how most people only used box cutters to achieve an aesthetic.
And they were right, it stung a lot. More and more blood dripped into the bathtub. Shin found using the bathtub more than the sink as it was just more practical. After a few more minutes of rinsing, Shin got bandages and wrapped them around his arm after wiping them to dry. Sou had cut deep, deeper than Shin’s weak hand could usually go. Thankfully his parents always doted on him, and instead of hiding the bandages so that he wouldn’t cut, they always left them somewhere easy to find so that Shin could know his issues were accepted and that he was cared for.
Shin walked back to his room and placed the box cutter back in the drawer, having chosen to not dwell on the lost time. That was most definitely Hiyori taking control. Shin threw himself on his bed, feeling lightheaded from blood loss. Every day he felt that he was getting closer and closer to death.
Shin passed out, probably of blood loss. When we woke up, it was just past nine-o’clock. Which was fine, as he had no intention of going to school. He turned onto his side, the cuts still stung. What the hell had Sou done?
He hesitantly and shakily got up from his bed and walked downstairs, where he was alone. His parents had already left for work.
He shakily made his way to the kitchen and made himself breakfast. Despite being weak, he cut up fruit into slices and put them in the blender, then he drank it. It was too quiet in the house and Shin didn’t like it, so he made his way over to the living room and turned the television on to a history channel. It wasn’t out of interest, everything else playing this early on a weekday wasn’t of the best quality.
Suddenly, Shin heard something.
Shin, have you ever thought that maybe it’s not just us in here?
“Huh..?” Shin exclaimed out loud. Because the truth is, he hasn’t. He always assumed that it was just him and Sou who shared their body.
Why not? I think.. I think there might be a third, Shin.
You’re not cheating on me, are you?
How the hell would I cheat on you? We’re the same person, dummy. And besides, we aren’t even dating.
We aren’t..? Wha.. Huh? We’re not dating? But I thought, you’re so, humph.. Seriously?
Hehe, you should know better than anyone that I’m not being serious, Shin. You’re so cute when I tease you.
Shin gripped his knees tightly. He had found himself sitting on the couch even when he didn’t remember doing so. Another person, not just Shin and Sou, is not what Shin wanted. Shin wanted to live the rest of his undoubtedly short life with Sou and only Sou.
A few tears ran down his face, and then he sobbed.
Seriously, Shin? You’re really crying over this? Over a silly hypothesis I came up with? You’re really pathetic. What would even change if there was one more of us? You’re embarrassing.
I, it’s not..! Sou! Shut up! Just shut up! I hate you!
This is always how you act. One negative comment about you and you go off ranting about how much you hate hate hate. You can see why you’re alone, right? Nobody but me would want someone as sensitive as you.
Shut up! Leave me alone!
I can’t. Same body.
Shin groaned and ran back upstairs to his bedroom. He felt exasperated but there was nothing to take that bitterness out on. His hands trembled as he reached out to open the drawer, his drawer which contained everything that hurt him. But his shaking hands pulled away. There was no gratification. There was nothing about hurting himself or binging stale candies that made him feel safe from the people shuffling around inside his head. Shin wanted to punish those people, punish Sou and that other person whose existence Sou claimed. But more than that, Shin wanted to feel safe.
He wanted to feel the warmth and the love he felt when he was a young child before he started feeling and experiencing so many complicated emotions. Throughout his struggle, his parents had never stopped showing their love for him but he could feel the way it changed. And Shin didn’t want it to change.
Shin had gone from their troubled son to a constant threat to himself. He stopped being a person and started being a landmine. A well-loved landmine but a landmine nonetheless. The words “I love you” had turned into “We’ll still love you through anything” which felt meaningless to him and even if those three words were uttered, the meaning behind them fell deaf on Shin’s ears.
Shin put on his earbuds. Loud music wasn’t Shin’s forte, but he’d blow his eardrums up with unpleasantly loud music if it meant silencing Sou and whoever else might be in his mind. And music always made Shin drowsy. It’s not like he needed any help in that department either way. When he caught himself dozing off, he hoped that this time falling asleep would be his last. But not all wishes come true.
When Shin woke up, he felt something very strange. He felt like he was covered in dust, or something else small and crushed like sand or chalk. When he sat up and examined himself, he concluded he was in the same state he fell asleep in. What Shin was feeling was thirst, but to him it was just another sign of his crumbling mental state. His own mental state had become something to examine for Shin. Even in his own eyes, he’d stopped being a human, and now all he was a creature pretending to be one. Shin had nobody but the ghost (ghosts?) in his own mind to lean on.
Shin spent the rest of the day dusting his room. He made the most of the little energy he gained from the nap. The frankly annoying music was still blasting from his earbuds and into his ears, but anything to keep Sou from bugging him while he was trying to be happy. Shin had even opened the window to let in an afternoon wind. The air from outside was fresh and cool in his lungs like drinking cold water on a hot summer day. It felt somewhat freeing, but Shin couldn’t tell what he was supposed to be feeling freed from.
To fully live the moment, Shin lowered the music’s volume. But when he did, he immediately heard bickering. The bickering of someone who Shin wasn’t ready to hear again.
Shin! What is wrong with you?! Have you ever experienced having tape over your mouth?! Because that’s exactly how I felt!
“Shut up…” Shin audibly muttered his response. He rested his head on his closed palm on the windowsill and Sou continued to ramble about how angry he was. Ramble, ramble, rambling was all that Sou was good for.
And besides, it was so lonely to only have Shinny to talk to…!
Shin was trying not to listen until Sou said those words.
What? Who the fuck is Shinny?
Nobody, Sou responded even before Shin could finish his sentence. Go back to whatever you were doing.
No, who the hell is Shinny?!
U, uhm, hi..
A third voice rang out. It was Shin’s voice, but shakier and more shy. It reminded Shin of himself in class when the teacher would pick him even when he didn’t know the answer. But that didn’t make him fond of the boy.
Are you Shinny? Shin asked through gritted teeth.
A, ahm.. yes..
Go away. I hope you die. I don’t want you here..!
Woah, Shin, be nice to him! Can’t you see how he’s trembling? He’s so scared.. of you.
H, help me.. Hiyori..
Awe.. You’re so cute! Who’s a cute l’il boy? You are! Shinny is!
The two kept talking in his head until he couldn’t tell if his thoughts were his or if it was just Sou and Shinny talking. Shin wished he could just tell them to shut up, but even if he did Sou wouldn’t listen. Sou likes annoying him and constantly critiquing him. If Shin–or anyone–asked him to keep it down, he’d probably start talking louder.
Shin laid back in his bed again. It had become a familiar ritual to follow when he didn’t know what else to do. Then, his stomach rumbled. He heard someone in his head telling him to go downstairs and get something to eat (likely Shinny because of the tone and shakiness of the voice), but he ignored it and instead squeezed his eyes shut as if that would shut the voice up.
It’s been a while since the last time Shin unapologetically felt like he wanted to die. But there’s no need to linger on that, is there?
Shin decided to get up and play a game on his computer. That kept Sou silent for a while, he probably had nothing to say, or he fell asleep. But Shinny just wouldn’t stop talking. He seemed so entertained by something so plain. Obviously Shin was entertained too, he was the one playing the game, but Shinny acted as if he had never even heard the concept of a video game. Which could be true, considering Shin doesn’t know how ‘old’ Shinny is.
It annoyed Shin, having Shinny act like a child constantly with no way to shut him up, but deep down there was a slither of fondness. Because Shinny seemed so.. happy. Everything made him happy, from the game’s illustrations to the mechanics to the little he knew about the story. He even seemed to enjoy the grim and gory parts. It made Shin.. jealous. Shin desperately wanted to be happy just like Shinny. Nothing would ever make him as happy as Hiyori did.
Wait, why is Shin still thinking of that guy? He has Sou. And now he has Shinny to keep him company. Hiyori doesn’t mean anything anymore.
Yet Shin still found himself missing him. Memories kept popping up even if Shin did his best to repress them. His face scrunched up with frustration as more and more memories kept getting unburied from the depths of his mind; memories he thought he had forgotten, memories that he thought would mean nothing to him anymore. And yet they still tortured him in his mind. They kept coming back like a deranged game of tennis where the opponent never missed. But Shin did, Shin missed a lot.
….n? Shin..! Shin! Are you, can you hear me..?
That was Shinny. It had to be Shinny. He probably got upset that Shin had stopped playing then realized something was wrong.
Yes.. I can hear you.. and I’m fine..I just got lost for a moment.
Oh, okie dokie.. Can I play?
What? No, I’m playing. You can wait until it’s your turn to control the body to play.
Not fair..! Hiyori…!!
Huh?
Mhh..? I’m awake…
Can you plea~ase tell Shin to let me play on the computer?
Let Shinny play on the computer, Shin.. I’m going back to sleep.
And suddenly, Shin wasn’t in control of his body anymore.
Huh—? Since when could you do that?!
Yay! So, uhm, how do I play?
Shin sucked up his annoyance and taught Shinny how to play. Shin remembers being forced to share his toys with other kids when he was younger, and that was precisely what he was feeling. He tried to focus in order to not miss any lore drops while Shinny was playing, but the current route seemed like pure filler. Soon enough, Shin felt himself falling asleep.
When he woke up, Shinny was watching idol music videos on his computer. It caught Shin off guard, not being able to understand how or why Shinny would be able to find this specific genre.
And worse, Shinny was standing in front of the mirror practicing poses and facial expressions.
Huh..? What the hell are you doing, Shinny?
Don’t call me that anymore. From now on, I’m going to be Shin♡Ai! Kirakira~☆!
..You can’t be serious. Have you been alone this whole time?
Well.. Uhm.. uh.. yeah.. hehe..☆!
Oh god you’re going to be like that for a while aren’t you..?
M, mhm! Idols are so cool…! They’re so confident and cute and everyone loves them..☆!
Well I don’t. I think you’re being weird. And stop saying star every time you stop talking!
O, oh.. okay.. I, I’m sorry..
It’s okay.. And.. fine. I’ll call you ShinAi. Only because I think Shinny is a stupid name.
R, really?! Thank you! Mwwwwwwaaach♡!
H, huh?!
For some reason, Shin couldn’t stop blushing. ShinAi hadn’t kissed him, mainly because he didn’t have a physical body to do so. But Shin could still feel the aftertaste of a kiss on his cheek, somehow.
Then, Shin looked down at his phone, and there was a notification from Discord. It perplexed Shin, the only person who would send him a message is Hiyori. But he left off on bad terms with Hiyori, so there’s no way he would want to talk to Shin. He unlocked his phone with his now trembling finger and checked the notification.
It was a message beyond Shin’s comprehension.
Hiyori: “Good afternoon, Shin. This is my suicide note. I want to thank you for the time I spent with you, even if it didn’t end as gracefully as I would’ve hoped. You impacted my life greatly and I’m glad to have met you. Please don’t interpret this message as me saying that it’s your fault; I am sending messages to every person who has impacted my life. It’s not your fault, I can’t go on like this anymore. Please respect my decision and don’t try to stop me. Love, Hiyori Sou.”
Shin’s heart stopped pumping blood as he read it. Despite Hiyori’s words, he felt guilty. The message was sent nearly half an hour ago and ShinAi had ignored it. If Shin was there maybe he could convince him to reconsider. But he couldn’t. Shin, useless as he was, couldn’t do anything. He couldn’t save the one person he ever loved, even if that love didn’t last.
Shin’s intense feelings awakened Sou, who did his best to calm him down, despite the fact that he sounded annoyed with Shin. Annoyed that he still dared to care about Hiyori. Meanwhile, Shin was drowning in intense guilt. Shin completely, unreasonably blamed himself. He thought that maybe, if he had been nicer to Hiyori earlier that day, he would still be alive. Maybe he wouldn’t even consider it.
He had no way of knowing that Hiyori was lying. He had no way of knowing that Hiyori was toying with his mentality, purposefully breaking him for his own pleasure.
In Shin’s eyes, he had killed Hiyori. He was a disgusting murderer who didn’t even have to do what he did. So he stood up and went to his bathroom to cope the only way he knew how.
Shin’s body moved on its own, making slice after slice on his legs. He had sat in the bathtub like a child waiting for his parents to bathe him. He was moving fully mechanically and instinctually. He only came to when Sou started yelling at him.
Shin! What the hell are you doing?! Stop right now!
H, huh..?
Stop cutting! There’s an artery there! If I didn’t stop you, you could’ve killed yourself!
Killed.. myself..? I..
Don’t even think of it! Shin, are you out of your mind?!
I’m.. a murderer. I killed Hiyori..
It wasn’t your fault. The strong must kill the weak to survive.
Sou..?
Hm?
I really wish you would just shut up.
And with that, Shin kept slashing exactly in the spots Sou told him not to. It was extremely painful, but that was Shin deserved. It’s what all heartless murderers deserved. Blood kept pouring out in high volumes, Shin’s vision started going white. For a moment, Sou took control of the body and let out a guturall, shaky scream, but Shin quickly took control back and stayed as silent as he could enduring the pain.
And in those last few moments, Shin realized that he didn’t want to stop living. But even opening his mouth was too exhausting.
The last thing he saw was his mother. Thankfully, Sou screaming has alerted his parents that something was very wrong. By then, he couldn’t see anything, but he could feel the touch of being picked up and laid down on the floor. Soon enough, Shin lost his sense of touch. But he could still hear his parents, his mother begging him to not stop breathing while his father was on the phone calling for help. Everything slowly faded away into white.
If Shin survived, his life would be forever changed for the worse. He tried to imagine all the possibilities before he lost consciousness. Maybe he’d be locked up in a psych ward for the rest of his life. Maybe his parents would never trust him alone ever again and would confiscate all his electronics and punish him for skipping school.
But most of all, he felt bad for Sou and ShinAi. He had taken away both their lives without their consent. Especially ShinAi, who had barely had the chance to exiat at all. It only made him feel more guilty, before everything faded away and he felt nothing at all.
It would be nice to be able to redo everything. To have a second chance at life. To retry.
To… retry everything.. Just one more chance..
One.. more chance..