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Through the window, Rafael watched the terrifying ocean waves come and go. There should've been a rhythm to the movements, a set natural flow for each return, but he couldn't see it. Crystal clear blue revealed nothing to him; to his eyes all was vast unknown, the threat of darkness and death awaited in seafoam. In a few minutes, they were supposed to go down and spend a wonderful day in Sousa Beach, enjoying the sun blazing on their skin and the salty air surrounding them but Rafael wished he could stay as far away from the beach as humanly possible.
During the flight, Sonny hadn't stopped naming all the things they could or would do, to the point he heard a passenger behind them snicker about not being able to sleep because of the ‘gringo’ with a funny accent. For Rafael, it was endearing to hear Sonny's excitement dripping from every word. It kept him calm for a while, just focusing on his boyfriend's voice and his touch all the way to their arrival at the hotel.
That night they ate together at a nice little restaurant a few blocks away — those crunchy tostones would live in his memory until the day he died — and slept calmly after an alcohol-induced makeout session that would’ve gone further if they hadn’t been too tired and uncoordinated to do so.
The threat of the beach had been off his mind until the sun rays filtered through the blinds and woke him up. Rafael showered, had breakfast at the buffet and returned to their room doing mostly okay until he noticed everything outside. That’s when he pretended to have a headache and had a short nap, all so he could avoid hitting that wretched place so early.
Why had he agreed to an island vacation in the first place?
If they were on a yacht, it would be easier to handle.
He could handle being safely above the water, not in it.
They could've stayed at a nice summer house with a pool outside instead, he could’ve been lying on a deck chair, skimming and dissecting Vonnegut's writing without disturbance. But no, he’d said yes to a Dominican Republic holiday and signed his own death certificate.
Dumbass.
“Ready, doll?” Sonny asked somewhere behind him. “I heard we can do some snorkeling or maybe we can sail on a boat for a little while, hm? What do you think?”
Rafael gulped, not turning around even when he felt Sonny’s arms around him, his nose nuzzling over his neck. He gritted out a sharp, “Sounds great.”
Sonny planted a small kiss on his shoulder, practically vibrating with eagerness as he grabbed Rafael's hand to head out, unaware of the internal struggle Rafael was going through. He'd already pictured his own death: drowned because he was too stupid to admit he didn’t know how to swim. Cowardice or stubbornness, one of the two would be the cause of his demise.
He was tempted to say his headache was back or maybe pretend to trip and fall to justify not getting in the water because of a bad ankle. Something. Anything . God, he should've taken those swimming lessons Rita had invited him to during college, but once again he'd been too busy — and scared — to accept he needed them.
Now it was too late.
Sonny practically skipped all the way to the elevator, talking about how he couldn't wait to feel golden sand beneath his feet and plunge into crystalline waters where it was possible to see his own reflection, nothing like the muddy beaches back home. Rafael nodded and smiled as he talked, Sonny’s voice served as background noise while he breathed in and out. It wasn’t a long walk because their hotel was near the beach’s entrance, but he held Sonny’s hand tightly all the way. With each step, his throat closed and sweat dripped down his back.
The sound of the constant swaying of the waves welcomed them accompanied by salty air hitting his tongue and nose as they walked closer. There were small, picturesque stalls with clothes, — straw hats and typical tourist shirts among the most interesting choices to bring back to their friends — food and drinks — from pineapples cut into small pieces and refreshing coconuts he couldn’t wait to get his hands around — and in the distance, a concerning amount of boats idling around.
Near beach chairs with giant umbrellas to shield people from the unrelenting sun, a group of kids ran around throwing sand at each other while two exasperated dads tried to stop them. Teenagers ran straight to the water and little ones built sandcastles way too close to the shore, maybe he could hang out with them or get his own tool kit to make a fortress of his own.
In a way, it was courageous to build structures that would eventually be swept away and destroyed with no trace left behind, nothing to show for their hard work except the memory in the kid's brains and satisfaction after a job well done.
He supposed that was enough.
A few sweaty, shirtless guys played volleyball nearby which...helped a little to get his mind off things but other than that, the beach was mostly empty save for the obvious tourists buttered up in sunscreen and ridiculously massive hats. One beefy guy yelled at his friend for a horrible move then grunted, saving the ball right before belly-flopping on the ground. His muscles jiggled and he had to admit the view of those biceps right before he landed made him gulp and do a double take.
He was a loyal man, through and through, but he could appreciate beauty from afar and there were at least four or five guys with really cute butts and —
“Raf?”
And the guy had massive legs as well, muscles flexing and glistening with sweat, some sand stuck to them and tiny shorts that barely —
“Rafi?”
And since when do volleyball players need their shirts off to play? Not that he’s complaining and but what if they got sunburnt or their —
“Rafael!”
Shit.
How long had Sonny been trying to get his attention?
Rafael unglued his eyes from the group and turned to Sonny, clearing his throat as if he hadn’t been looking in the first place, but his cheeks burned bright red and his hands started fidgeting.
“What?” Rafael mumbled, avoiding Sonny’s gaze like the plague.
Sonny smirked, standing in front of him with his arms crossed and blocking the landscape. “Enjoying the view?”
“Shut up.”
“Is this payback for watching Baywatch without you? I told you we can do a second watch and bring out the egg vibe for—” Rafael groaned, cutting off whatever nonsense came next. “Am I not sexy enough, then? We came all the way over here and you’re looking at a discount Zac Effron instead of me…”
“What?” Rafael gasped, looking up, bewildered by that statement and missing the teasing tone under the words. “No, no, don’t be ridiculous, they’re hot but you’re definitely hotter and I’m not, like, I wasn’t going to do anything. I’d never! I’m sorry—”
Sonny bit his lower lip but bursted out laughing a few seconds later, holding onto Rafael’s shoulder as he doubled down practically crying. What the hell was so funny? Rafael was there trying to apologize for looking for too long fearing that constituted cheating and Sonny was wiping tears off his cheeks like it wasn’t that serious in the…first…oh.
“I hate you.” Rafael deadpanned, rolling his eyes and stepping back so Sonny’s hands slipped off his shoulder. “Why do you do that to me?”
“I didn’t do anything! You should’ve seen your face. Raf, you were so freaked out, it’s-it’s too funny.”
Rafael huffed, trying to ignore the increasing grunting coming from the guys still playing. “Let’s find somewhere else to sit before I throw sand at you.”
Sonny coughed twice mid-laughter, barely getting a hold of himself as he walked behind Rafael towards a couple of empty chairs. “But you know you weren’t the only one looking, right?” Rafael remained silent, swallowing down his shame in favor of pride. “Like, we’re at a beach , Rafi. It’s impossible not look, however, I think you were drooling when—”
“Sonny!”
“Sorry, sorry.” Sonny said, lifting his palms up in a surrender gesture. “Right or left?”
Rafael frowned, not quite sure what he meant until Sonny pointed at two spaces with a string tied to two wooden poles, separating two sections that were identical save for the color of the chairs.
“Does it matter?”
“Yes, it does! Come on, pick one.”
Rafael swallowed a follow-up ‘why’ and considered both options with the same amount of seriousness Sonny would. Maybe it was the angle or distance from each section to the water or trajectory of the sun or something else entirely, but he’d learned to take Sonny’s decisions and opinions seriously. Both looked comfortable, shielded and about the same distance so he went by color and landed on the one that made the most sense.
“Blue.” Rafael replied and a smile spread over Sonny’s face.
“Alright, let’s get settled.”
Sonny began unpacking, placing snacks, sunscreen, sunglasses, and towels on the round table between the chairs. Rafael stole a bag of turtle-shaped gummies from the pile and sat down, kicking off his flip-flops and adjusting his sunglasses while Sonny finished arranging everything. He didn't bother to help simply because Sonny would end up batting his hand away for interfering with his organization; Rafael knew better than that.
There were people already swimming across the waves with big smiles, and youngsters yelling as they threw a vibrant blue and yellow beach ball between them, twenty-year-olds with strong lungs and endless energy— he’d give anything to have those again. He tried to dissect their movements, maybe he could copy them, after all he’d always been a fantastic student. If he managed to learn the basics just from looking at other people, maybe he wouldn’t embarrass himself when Sonny decided it was time for them to jump in.
Cramming the night before an exam was never his favorite thing to do, even less revising the material minutes before walking into finals. That often led to disaster. He'd rather be prepared, have everything ready and every scenario analyzed, but that was easier said than done; he was no stranger to surprises, especially in his line of work, one day before a trial or even an hour before. Right now, cramming seemed like his only option. And sure, why not? It could work, and if it didn’t he could always pretend a muscle spasm.
First thing first, was there a breathing pattern to it? There had to be, how else did that man spend so long under there chasing a blonde girl without passing out? He could time it then try it himself.
Next, floating. There was an older couple on their backs, suspended in time just basking in the sun under the blue skies. They remained completely still, bodies in a perfect T, even their breaths seemed synchronized but he couldn’t tell the timing from a distance.
There seemed to be a lot of kicking and arm strokes involved, perhaps a lot of stamina, the kind he preferred to save for the bedroom with Sonny writhing and begging underneath him and — woah. Focus. Leg movements. He’d heard and seen those flutter kicks before. He had no idea if there were others involved nor cared, he wasn’t about to show off, just needed to be efficient.
The guy he’d focused on earlier, the beefy one playing volleyball suddenly ran and jumped in the water, switching to backstrokes once further out…what the hell? He couldn’t even do it face down. What if the water got in his ears? Or through his nose and he started choking and then —
“Can you get my back?” Sonny said, interrupting his spiraling thoughts by offering a bottle of sunscreen. “I can’t reach it, it’s too long.”
Don’t I know it?
Rafael took the bottle and replied, “Turn around.”
He poured a little into his hands and then moved closer to the edge of the chair to start applying it to the back of Sonny's shoulders. That's when Rafael realized Sonny was shirtless now and the cute little freckles spread all over his body were in full-view, adorable, each one carved into his memory.
Slowly, he spread the cream all over his skin, covering every inch with careful reverence, knowing how important it was to protect him from future pain. Eyes roaming all around him, Rafael took his sweet time and used it to fully put together his earlier observations into a step-by-step guide on swimming. Intro class to the most basic form to exist.
If he imitated what he saw, he should be fine.
Right?
“All done.” Rafael announced and handed Sonny the bottle back.
“Let me do yours.” Sonny said, tugging at Rafael’s collar. Right. He still had his shirt on. The one he didn’t think he’d need to take off as long as he remained under the sun and dry. Fuck. “Come on, so we can get in at the same time.”
“Yeah, sure, how long is it?”
“Like 15 minutes.”
Okay, 15 minutes to keep watching and learning. That worked.
Rafael nodded and removed his shirt, folding it neatly and handing it over to Sonny so he could put it inside the bag. Then, he extended his hand for the bottle to do his own front first but Sonny refused to give it back. Instead, Sonny’s eyes traveled down his body, with the same hunger he had when they were alone and sometimes in the middle of a very heated day at the precinct.
Devoured. That’s how Rafael felt and it made a tingling sensation travel downwards, unfocusing him from the task at hand in favor of pleading for Sonny’s touch on his skin. Wrong place. He had other priorities and — Sonny’s hands were on him, somehow cool yet always familiar, calming.
Sonny took his time too, covering every inch with sunscreen. Rafael had the slight suspicion the extra time he took around his chest and his belly were for Sonny’s own enjoyment instead of carefulness. And the way he touched Rafael…fuck, it made his brain hazy, confused and alert because that was definitely not the right place to get hard and he still didn’t know how to swim but Sonny’s hands were doing wonders on his lower back.
“All done,” Sonny said suddenly. Rafael almost whined at the loss, glad he still had his glasses on and Sonny couldn’t look at his blown pupils. “Do you wanna have a drink while we wait?”
“Huh?” Rafael mumbled, crossing his legs, unable to find a good position to hide his problem and there was no way Sonny hadn’t seen. The knowing smirk on his face said it all.
“We can get coconut lemonade, oh, maybe watermelon slushies. They have coffee if you want a cup, but I don't know anyone who drinks coffee at the beach...a little weird, but you know I love you anyway if you ask for an espresso in this heat.”
Rafael registered half of what he said, so he went for the only thing he remembered. “Lemonade is fine.”
Sonny smiled, winked at him, then grabbed his stupid straw hat from the table. “Be right back.”
Rafael watched him leave, marveling at that long, lithe body, butterflies fluttering in his stomach as if it were the first time he'd seen it. He was lucky everyday they were together, everyday he got to wake up to those baby blues staring right back, everyday he got to kiss those beautiful lips and whisper I love you back.
It’d been almost a year but he was already looking forward to more.
That beefy guy had nothing on Sonny, yes he'd been nice to look at but Sonny...Sonny was his. Sonny was beautiful in every way, sometimes it made him crazy; his profile, his lips, his expressions from the serious to the confused ones. Everything. Sonny was perfect, and the only one capable of making him hard in the middle of a public beach with nothing more than his skilled hands.
Sonny made him feel alive, so utterly in love he could yell in from a 100-story building and...brave. Brave enough to try swimming just to see the joy on his boyfriend's face — and to see him dripping wet too. A little extra incentive. He could do this. He could enjoy their vacation and lounge around without fear.
What would actually happen if he got in the water and admitted he didn’t know how to swim? Sonny wouldn’t judge him. Sonny would probably hold him and teach him from zero, taking his sweet time making sure Rafael felt safe. If he could just come clean, that option felt a lot better. Not for his ego, but definitely for his peace of mind.
“Here we go, coconut lemonade for the gentleman.” Sonny announced, flopping on his chair and handing Rafael a tall glass with a slice of lemon in the rim of the glass and a silly straw. “And one cherry lemonade for me.”
“Cherry?” Rafael asked, leaning over to take a better look at the radioactive red drink with maraschino cherries in it. “Is that—”
“Delicious? Yes.” Sonny replied before he could even finish, taking a loud sip to make his point. “Taste yours, Roberto said they’re the best around here.”
“Roberto?”
“Yeah.” Rafael raised his eyebrows, making it clear he was expecting an explanation on who the hell he was talking about. “Oh, I met him at the food stall, he’s a local. Really friendly. He recommended some restaurants too if we want to go out to dinner.”
“You were gone five minutes, max, how did you even…?”
Sonny shrugged, taking another sip like being friendly with everyone was the most natural thing in the world. “Just talked to him while I waited for the drinks.” Christ. And he’s supposed to be a cop. “Now taste! I wanna know if I should get that one too.”
Rafael shook his head and complied. Tangy and sweet collide on his tongue, lime and condensed milk working together in the most refreshing drink he'd ever taste in his life. His eyes widened, sipping a bit more to make sure his tastebuds were right. And fuck, that second wave did not dissappoint, fresh and delicious.
“Jesus Christ, that’s amazing,” Rafael whispered, not letting go of the straw so he could keep drinking. “What the hell are they putting in these?”
Sonny leaned forward, making a grabby hands gesture. “Let me taste it.”
Rafael glared and moved his glass away from Sonny’s reach. “You have your own.”
“But mine’s cherry!”
“And?”
“Just a little sip.”
“Nope,” Rafael replied, making a point to sip louder this time. “It’s mine.”
Sonny placed his drink on the table and crossed his arms over his chest, pouting in the way he’d never been able to resist. Oh, fuck. Not the puppy eyes as well. Rafael sighed, removed his glass and looked back at the ocean but Sonny was still prettier to look at.
“Please?”
Good lord. He had to start training on how to say no to that specific expression, but today was not that day. Rafael relented and handed over his drink to Sonny, who smiled as if he’d won a prize. He mouthed a ‘thank you’ and brought the straw to his lips, closing his eyes as the flavor registered in his mind and enjoyment spread all over his features.
“Can I keep it?” Sonny asked, fingers clutching the glass a little tighter than Rafael would’ve liked.
“Give me that,” Rafael replied, extending his hands. Sonny gave the drink back with a frown, taking his own with an unhappy expression. “How’s the cherry one?”
Sonny sipped and shrugged. “Not as good.”
Rafael got closer, meeting Sonny halfway in the space between the chairs. “Let me taste it too.”
Sonny was about to hand it over when Rafael kissed him. Unexpected and ravenous, craving for further distraction in a place where there seemed to be endless ones but nothing like Sonny. Sonny whose lips tasted like sweet cherry and the unique flavor that followed him everywhere. Sonny whose hand gripped Rafael's bicep and refused to let go, deepening the kiss and delving his tongue into Rafael's mouth, a mix of flavors and passion and love. Rafael groaned, angling his head a little better and biting Sonny's lower lip to change the pace, slowing down before someone called the police on them, though he hardly doubted it would happen.
“Good?” Rafael asked, finally pulling back to admire the dazed look in Sonny’s face.
“Better.”
He smiled, planting one last kiss on his lips before settling back on the chair, admiring the view at his side as they finished their drinks. Rafael had almost dozed off to the gentle sound of the ocean and breeze when Sonny announced it was time to go. They'd waited long enough.
Dread set back in his stomach, twisting and curling. No, no, come on. He was relaxed, he was happy, he'd managed to get his hard-on under control, why did he have to move?
“Let’s go, handsome.” Sonny encouraged and extended his hand. “Need to show my pretty boyfriend off to everyone here, hm?”
Shakily, Rafael held onto it and stood up. In their swim shorts — he'd chosen to ignore the ridiculous pineapple pattern on Sonny's for the sake of their holiday enjoyment — they ran towards the more damp sand area, tiny waves crashing at his feet. His toes felt the cold current first, and he almost ran back to the boiling sand.
Sonny smiled at him, so excited and happy, unaware and innocent of what was truly going on in Rafael’s mind. For God's sake, he should have said something earlier. How could he keep walking? He hadn't even taken a few steps and already felt as if the water was up to his neck. The current would push him, pull him under, out into the unknown. Damn it, no, he couldn't do this. The more Sonny kept going in, the more Rafael’s feet stayed firmly planted under him, refusing to go further than the water hitting his knees.
“What’s wrong?” Sonny asked with a deep frown on his forehead. “Is it too cold? You have to get used to it, it’ll feel nice in a minute or two.”
Rafael shook his head, mouth gaping as he tried to explain and failed. How could he admit something so embarrassing? Mighty ADA Rafael Barba can’t swim. Never learned. Never even tried. Shame and fear mixed together, but he couldn’t run back, he couldn’t even move from his spot. Fuck, what if a wave sent him down and he drowned in a mostly shallow part? He’d never hear the end of it from Rita in the afterlife.
“Rafi?”
Rafael looked at him, refusing to let go of his hand. The water was now on his wait and if Sonny left him alone — please no, he’d die. He’d drown. “Don’t move.”
Sonny seemed to finally register the panic in Rafael’s voice, he walked back to his side, eyes traveling up and down, analyzing everything about him. “Are you okay? Do you need more time? Talk to me, baby. We can go sit down if you still —”
“Have I ever mentioned I can’t swim?” Rafael squeaked, so high-pitched it could hurt someone’s ears. Sonny’s mouth fell open, looking down at the water barely covering them and then the raw fear in his face. “I can’t, fuck, I don’t know how to and I can’t move. I can’t move, Sonny.”
“Okay, okay, shh, wait, come here, hold onto me.” Sonny said, making Rafael hug him but not making any attempt to go deeper. “Breathe…that's it, breathe with me.”
It took a minute, maybe more, but Rafael was finally able to take deep breaths and keep his head from spinning. There were surely eyes on them, but his main priority at the moment was staying alive — long enough to see someone (hopefully Rita) kick Buchanan's ass. Ugh, that was not a thought he wanted in his mind. Scratch that.
Water.
He was still in the water.
Why?
“You can't swim?” Sonny mumbled, interrupting his thoughts from going downhill again and cupping his face to ground him. “Why didn’t you say something earlier? Oh my god, I would’ve never made you get in if you had said something.”
Rafael shrugged, gulping hard, looking up at the sky. He’d rather go blind from the sun than risk seeing whatever fish were down there. “Well, you were so excited about this and fuck— what was that?”
Sonny looked down, then back at him. “What was what?”
“Something touched me.”
“There’s nothing there.”
“Yes, there is . It grazed my leg. Oh my god, I’m gonna lose my toes. I’m going to be toeless. This can’t happen—”
Sonny kicked his foot around to prove his point. “It’s probably just a plant or something, you’re not gonna lose your toes, doll, come on, please breathe.”
Rafael refused to believe him and grabbed onto his shoulders. He’d bring Sonny down if it meant he stayed afloat. “You don’t know that!”
“Look down.”
“No.”
“See for yourself.” Sonny grunted, struggling against Rafael’s hold. “We're not deep enough for fish to swim around us.”
Slowly, he looked down at the water, a solitary green leaf mocked him, long but harmless. He was so stupid, but panic could bring great men to their knees and he was no exception. Rafael chewed on his bottom lip and inhaled deeply, he needed to stop making a fool of himself and quickly, before a kid or the beefy guy saw him.
“Better now?” Rafael nodded, but still held onto him. Then, Sonny added gently, “You should’ve told me you don’t know how to swim.”
“I know.”
“You didn’t have to push yourself.”
“I know.”
“Then why did you?”
Rafael kept his breaths steady, there was no point in denying anything or pretending the cat hadn't jumped out of the bag and landed three feet away.
Cheeks burning red and shaking, he finally said, “I was embarrassed…I didn’t want to ruin our vacation.”
“You thought that could ruin our vacation?”
“Well, yeah, you were so excited about snorkeling and scuba diving and the corals and I-I didn't want to take those away from you.”
Sonny sighed, shaking his head as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. “None of those matter more than just spending time with you . If you can't swim and we have to spend some time just chilling back there, it's fine by me. I won't die if I have to swim alone, I can put on a show for you. Find some entertainment. I can introduce you to Roberto. There are a dozen other things we can do together.”
Rafael’s words got stuck in his throat, what had he done to deserve this sweet, thoughtful man? They had their differences and misunderstanding and god knows how many arguments, but when it came down to it, they could handle anything together better than being on their own.
Together.
He still had a lot to learn and hurdles to jump over, but he felt a lot better knowing Sonny was willing to be there with him. To stand right by his side and do whatever was necessary to ensure he felt supported too.
“Are you sure?” Rafael mumbled, needing one last bit of reassurance that his lack of swimming skills were not an issue.
Sonny nodded, “Absolutely. We can go back now if you want.”
Rafael let go of him, slightly. He wasn't confident in the current just yet. “No. Stay. I-I want you to teach me.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
Sonny helped him stand firmly, then grabbed his hands and brought them up, kissing his knuckles and then his lips. It was soft, chaste and careful , he was being handled like a precious thing, something to care for most acutely.
“Okay,” Sonny said. “I'll teach you. I won't let you drown or anything, I got you but you gotta trust me.”
“I do.” Rafael interrupted, vehemently adding, “Always.”
“Good. Then, let's get started.”