Archive of Our Own

Zoro, for the most part, really loved his crew. However, the extent to which he would ever admit this to them varied greatly depending on the exact crewmate in question. 

Luffy, of course, was no problem. He’d sometimes ask, at random, “Zoroooo, do you love me?” And Zoro would say that obviously, he did, even if he knew that this was usually a precursor to his captain asking him for something inconvenient, indulgent, and/or horrifically dangerous. Because, usually, it was something he was happy to do, especially if it was horrifically dangerous. 

Chopper never asked Zoro if he loved him, not in those words, but c’mon, Zoro seriously did, and he had no problem owning up to it. The only harm Chopper could ever do was worrying about Zoro’s health too much and trying to stop him from doing his favorite horrifically dangerous things. Other than that, he was basically perfect. 

With Usopp, Zoro thought of it more as a kind of tough-love. He didn’t usually express his respect for Usopp with verbal praise, but Zoro did respect him, even if he could stand to be a little braver most of the time. So he was a bit hard on Usopp, frequently reminding him to get serious and stop fooling around, but he suspected Usopp was okay with this. He called Zoro out on his things too, giving him reality checks whenever he got a little too cocky in a fight. So there was a mutual crewmate-love there.

Zoro could also say he respected Nico Robin, even if he was still wary of her and didn’t entirely consider her a part of the crew yet. She mostly kept to herself, like he did, and she was a welcome source of subdued silence on an otherwise raucous ship. Her devil fruit ability was a bit freaky, but begrudgingly, Zoro did find it very cool. He wondered if she’d ever considered using her blooming hands to hold swords.

With Nami, well, Zoro did not admit to loving Nami. He admired Nami, yes — admired her strength in overcoming her past, admired her dedication to Luffy (and lately, to Vivi), and even admired her cunning ability to take money from people, through force, wit, or emotional manipulation. Nami was the world’s greatest cat burglar. But that was precisely why he’d never tell her he loved her, or that she was honestly his closest friend. Because she was good at using that sort of thing to her advantage. 

There was no better example of this behavior of hers than what happened to Zoro on an early morning shortly after they’d departed Alabasta. 

He was doing a series of push-ups on the deck of the Merry when Nami walked up and sat on his back. Determined not to let her think she could faze him, he continued his push-ups, though truthfully, the set was nearing its end, and he was more exhausted than he’d let on. 

“Zoro, you totally love me, right?” Nami asked, as she used him as a bench. 

“No,” he grunted, trying not to lose count as he lowered himself towards the deck again.

“Well, you hate Sanji, right?” 

Ah, right. The cook. He was, without a doubt, at the bottom of the list in terms of “Crewmates Towards Which Zoro Would Admit Affection.” 

He didn’t truly hate him, no. Zoro reserved his hate for people who had done something to earn it. He was emotionally intelligent enough to know that Sanji was, barely, technically, his friend, and that there was a part of him that enjoyed their little fights and competitions. He couldn’t help it, he loved to compete. But damn, if the cook didn’t get on his nerves every single day. His dramatic hair, his constant smoking, his womanizing remarks, it was all a little much. There wasn’t a humble bone in his body. 

“That glorified waiter annoys the hell out of me,” he said to Nami. 

“Wellll, what if I told you I had an offer for you?” she said, tapping her fingers against his back like a businessman at a desk. He knew she was grinning too. “Also, you are so unbelievably sweaty, I’m going to have to wash these shorts immediately.”

“I’ll hear you out if you get off,” he said. 

She complied, and he did ten more pushups in silence, reaching his daily goal as Nami stood impatiently with her hands on her hips. 

“Okay, what?” He took off his bandana, used it to dry his sweat, and sat down to hear her out. 

“Sooo,” she said, kneeling to join him, “you know how I’m sort of…with Vivi?” 

“Yeah, I know you miss her,” he said, genuinely trying to show that he was sympathetic. Oftentimes, Zoro could be a little bit oblivious when it came to matters of romance, but ever since Vivi joined them after Whiskey Peak, he’d be able to observe that she and Nami made a great pair. They’d gotten closer and closer in Alabasta, which everyone except the damn cook had realized, and now, Alabasta’s princess had an official-unofficial pirate girlfriend. 

Nami had confided in him that Vivi had told her, the night before they left, that she wanted to see Nami again even if she ultimately ended up not being able to join the Straw Hats. Vivi had actually said she wanted to see all of them again when they separated the next day on Alabasta’s shore, but she’d apparently told Nami in a different way. A way that implied the existence of something beyond the bond of friendship she shared with the rest of the crew.

Zoro was far from a sap, but he could at least acknowledge it was kind of sweet, the same way he could acknowledge Usopp and Kaya were kind of sweet, despite the fact that he could never fall for one of these ridiculous long-distance distractions himself. 

“I do,” she said, with a bit of a blush. “But, the thing is, not everybody is so ready to accept that I’m pretty serious about her.” 

“Is that stupid cook saying rude things to you?” Zoro asked. Somehow, despite being raised by and around pirates, Sanji had some rather stilted views about sexuality, and it wouldn’t surprise Zoro if this brought out the worst in him. He couldn’t imagine the cook saying anything truly cruel to Nami (he was too pathetically into her) but he could see a reality in which that idiot perceived a relationship between two women as something that existed for his own weird amusement.

“No, no,” she assured. “He’s not acting rude about it, but I think he just doesn’t really believe me. Like, every time I talk about her, he keeps saying oh, Nami-san, I’m so glad you and Vivi-chan are such good friends, my two favorite ladies! And then the rest of the time, it’s always Nami-san, have I won your love yet? What can I do to get a kiss from you? ” 

“So he’s in deep denial,” Zoro concluded. 

“Haha, right,” Nami agreed. “And it’s definitely funny to watch most of the time. But sometimes it gets on my nerves . And it’s not just about me and Vivi. He keeps interrupting me when I’m drawing my maps too. I can’t get a thing done! So, even though he means well — and I do love it when he buys me stuff — I kinda wish Sanji would realize how incessant he is with the flirting sometimes. I know I can’t change his whole personality, but I’d just like him to take a small step back. And I would like to bribe you to help me.” 

“Oh, you want me to kick his ass?” Zoro laughed. “I’ll do that for free, don’t worry about it.” 

“No, idiot. I would do that myself,” Nami said. “You don’t think I could take him?” 

Honestly, Zoro didn’t doubt it. The cook could hold his own, but given his general weakness around women, he’d probably be helpless if Nami started beating on him. He’d probably like it though. Ugh, Zoro needed to get that image out of his mind. 

“I want you to do to him what he does to me ,” she explained. 

After a bit of mental gymnastics, Zoro realized her sick scheme. “You want me to flirt with him? That’s pretty unappealing.” 

“Yeah, he’ll freak out,” she said. “That’s the idea. He’ll be so put off by you, no offense, that he’ll realize what it’s like to be flirted with constantly by someone he’s not interested in! And I’ll tell him the arrangement beforehand so he won’t think you actually mean it. It’s just for his discipline and self-betterment.” 

“What’s in it for me?” Zoro said. Now that he knew the extent of what she was asking him to do, he definitely needed to make some money off this. And it was not going to be cheap for Nami. 

“I’ll cancel the interest,” she said, “on all your loans. Up until now, of course.” 

“Just the interest?” he said, skeptical. He already knew he’d die a glorious death in battle before he paid Nami a single cent of his alleged loans. “Eh, I’ll pass.” 

“ And ,” she rushed to add, “Sanji will be really, really annoyed.” 

Zoro considered this. He did like to rile up the cook, after all. And in between their big battles and daring adventures, the mundane things they fought about got a little stale. It was thrilling to see who could take down the biggest creature on Little Garden, but arguing over who had gotten in whose way in the kitchen lacked the same fire. It’d be nice to have a new way to make the cook want to kick him in the face. 

“If you buy me a beer at every port, we got a deal,” he said. 

“If I can add the cost to your loans.” 

“Two beers.” 

“Double interest.”

Once again imagining dying gloriously in battle and leaving Nami broke, Zoro said, “You’re on, navigator.” 

***

Sanji hummed to himself as he cooked breakfast, blissfully unaware of the dark turn his day was about to take. 

Nami and Zoro were the first of the crew to arrive in the kitchen that morning, which made him briefly wonder what the loveliest and least-lovely residents of the ship were doing together so early in the day. 

“Good morning, beautiful Nami-san,” he said, pausing in flipping a pancake in order to smile at her. In a monotone, he added,“and good morning, mosshead.” As a chef and a server, he couldn’t entirely ignore one of his patrons, despite his frustration that Zoro’s presence prevented him from having a romantic breakfast alone with Nami. 

“Does that count?” he heard Zoro ask Nami. 

“Mmm, not yet,” Nami seemed to decide. “Let him finish cooking first.” 

Sanji knew this was a conversation about him, but Nami seemed in radiant spirits, so he wasn’t going to worry about it too much. Though, it gnawed at him that there was clearly some sort of inside joke he wasn’t privy to. 

He served them each a plate of pancakes – Nami’s with butter and tangerine syrup, decorated with a pinwheel of tangerine slices, Zoro’s plain. He wished it would upset Zoro at all to receive a less decadent breakfast, but he had recently learned that, unfortunately, Zoro didn’t even like sweet things to begin with, so he probably felt like he was getting just as much special treatment as Nami. (Sanji had briefly considered putting syrup on his meal anyway, to torture him, but that would be a waste of food, and even torturing Zoro wasn’t worth committing that sin.)

He sat down next to Nami and smiled at her again. She smiled too and took a bite of her meal. 

“These are delicious as always, Sanji,” she said politely. 

“I’m so glad you think so, my love,” he replied. “We’re docking for supplies later, would you allow me to take you out to a nice dinner tonight?” 

Then, completely unprompted, and before Nami could even breathe a word out of her sweet lips, the swordsman had the nerve to say “Would you allow me to take you out to a nice dinner, cook?”

“First of all, you don’t know what a nice dinner is,” Sanji said, without missing a beat, “and second of all, why the hell would you say that?” 

“Sanji,” Nami said gently, not seeming at all weirded out. “You know how I’ve asked you to maybe flirt with me a little less?” 

“My sweet Nami-san, think nothing of it, this is just how I express my love for my wonderful crew!” Sanji said, defensively. He knew he wasn’t really selling his ignorance, though. Nami was just so beautiful and sweet, how could he not try to win her over? He did it in a gentlemanly way, after all. He just liked to flatter her a bit; it wasn’t like he was some handsy brute. 

“Riiight,” she said, laughing a little. “And I know you can’t help it, that’s who you are. But I thought, what if Zoro also wanted to express his love for his wonderful crew?” 

“He doesn’t have room in his body to love us, Nami-san,” Sanji said, dropping the suave voice he usually used to talk to her. “He’s filled with moss.” 

Unfortunately, though it was intended to draw an insult or two out of him, this comment instead got Zoro to laugh. 

“Be that as it may,” she said, “I have hired him on a beer salary to flirt with you whenever you flirt with me.”

Sanji quickly lit a new cigarette upon hearing this. After taking a labored drag, he was able to say, “As lovely as you are, Nami-san, I have to ask…why on earth would you do that to me?” 

“To prove a point,” was her answer. “And sort of for my entertainment as well.”

“Do you have a problem with that, love-cook?” Zoro said with a smirk, “Y’know, as lovely as you are?” Then, seeing the resulting look on Sanji’s face, he turned to Nami and said, “You were right, this is fun.” 

The situation only worsened when the rest of the crew got to breakfast. Sanji hoped they wouldn’t find out about the little experiment he was being subjected to, and he tried, he really did try, just to keep his mouth shut. However, his faithful crew was turning against him today, for some reason. They were seriously committing mutiny against the person feeding them. 

Most of the rest of the meal went fine, until Usopp passively said, “You know, it’s such a nice day and we’ve got nothing to do, I might just lay in the sun and tan until we dock.” 

“Oh, that sounds great!” Nami said. “Let me change into a swimsuit, I’ll join you!” 

Enjoying the mental image, Sanji, almost reflexively, said, “Oh, I can’t wait to see, Nami-san!” 

Zoro gave him a challenging glance, and Sanji realized his mistake.

“I’ll kill you,” he said. “If you say anything, I’ll kill you.” 

Nami was already cackling before Zoro said, “I’d love to see you in a swimsuit, eyebrows.” 

“You’re dead!” He said, about to send his foot straight across the table into that mossy face, until he remembered both the sanctity of his dishware and the comment that had started this conversation. 

“You!” Sanji pointed at Usopp, who had looked perplexed and amused up until now. “You’re in on this!”

Usopp rapidly shook his head as Chopper tapped Luffy on the shoulder and said, “I don’t get it.” 

“Me neither,” added Robin, without looking up from her book. As an additional blow to Sanji’s ego, she hadn’t touched her own intricate breakfast yet. 

“Hah?” said Luffy, who had not heard a word since he’d started eating both his and Sanji’s own pancakes in one large stack. (Sanji’s fault for not keeping an eye on his plate.) “Oh, is there something going on?” 

“Zoro’s making a move on Sanji, apparently,” Usopp told him. 

“Ohhh.” Chopper nodded, as if this made perfect sense to him.

“Unexpected,” said Robin, still reading. 

“Ah! Good for you, Zoro!” Luffy said. 

“It’s a bribe,” Zoro said, with a tinge of annoyance, as Sanji nearly shouted “That is not what’s going on!”

“I’m teaching our cook a valuable life lesson,” Nami explained, smug. 

“Ah! Good for you, Nami!” 

“Captain! Can you get your damn miscreant crew under control?” Sanji demanded. 

Luffy looked around the table, where everyone except for Sanji was sitting calmly, perfectly content. “My crew’s under control!” he concluded. “Good job, everyone!”

 Sanji would have cursed him for being so ignorant to the goings-on around him, but he suspected Luffy was paying more attention than he let on, since he laughed into his next huge bite of breakfast. 

Sanji sulkily took his seat next to Nami again, and focused entirely on smoking for the remainder of the meal. 

***

He thought Zoro and Nami would get tired of their sick torment after breakfast, but that, tragically, turned out not to be the case. 

A few hours had passed, so Sanji went up to the deck, where Usopp and Nami were soaking up the sun. He leaned against the rail and began to make a mental shopping list for when they docked. He did perhaps spare a glance or two at Nami in her swimsuit, but he didn’t say anything to her.

Maybe he did act a little romantic around women, pretty frequently, but he had other things going on too. Honestly, they acted like all he ever did was flirt. 

“You know, strictly speaking, for this to work, you should have your shirt off too.” 

“Ugh,” he said, knowing from that grating voice alone who was behind him before he turned around. 

“If you’re gonna ogle her, love-cook, I’ve contractually gotta ogle you,” Zoro said. Sanji was mystified by his clear enjoyment of this ongoing joke. 

“First, I am not ogling her, you dirty-minded bastard. She’s in my line of sight, and she just happens to be beautifully so. Second, I fail to understand how you don’t see that this is so much more embarrassing for you than it is for me.” 

“Why is this embarrassing for me?” Zoro asked, leaning easily against the ship’s rail and closing his eyes, as if this conversation was so uninteresting that he could fall asleep standing up. “I’m putting in minimal effort, annoying you, and getting free beer. I’ve pretty much mastered piracy.” 

“You’re acting like you’re attracted to me, mosshead. Isn’t that humiliating?” 

Zoro opened his eyes again and gave him a look of disbelief that made Sanji feel like he’d just said something stupid. 

“Wow. Self-insult. Didn’t expect that from you, but I appreciate your realistic view of your own attractiveness.” 

“Not what I meant!” Sanji snapped. “I happen to know I’m very attractive.” 

“Oh, so you mean it’s humiliating for me because it’s one-sided flirting. Well then, you just cracked the code, because that’s exactly how it is with you and the navigator. Embarrassed yet?” 

“Double incorrect,” Sanji said. He was beginning to think that Zoro was actually an imbecile. 

“Don’t tell me you think I should be ashamed to flirt with a guy,” Zoro said, with a knowing look. “But…I guess your masculinity is a lot more fragile than mine, after all.” He grinned, not at all insulted.

“Only you could think what you’re doing is manly,” Sanji scoffed. 

“Everything I do is manly,” Zoro said with an unkillable confidence that made Sanji want to, well, kill him. 

Thankfully, once they docked for supplies, the one-off invitation to a nice dinner that Sanji had offered to Nami, and then had offered back to him by the swordsman, seemed to have been forgotten entirely. 

Sanji went shopping with Usopp and Chopper, who were both kind enough to not mock him like the rest of the crew were so determined to do. Usopp mostly spent the day telling Chopper dramatized versions of all the Straw Hats’ previous adventures before Drum Island, and Sanji half-listened, only correcting Usopp when felt like it. Nami and Luffy had gone to explore the island they’d landed on — Nami, for the sake of making a map, and Luffy, well, just for fun as usual. Robin had gone with them with the intention of finding a nice spot to drink her coffee and relax, despite Sanji’s attempts to persuade her to come on the shopping trip. And he didn’t know what Zoro was up to, but he could only hope it was getting hopelessly lost. 

They’d all agreed to meet up at a dive bar near the dock that night, mostly since Zoro was already demanding his free beer from Nami. Sanji couldn’t complain though, since the place served food, and hopefully it’d be enough to keep Luffy from breaking into the new groceries for one night, at least. Though, there weren’t a lot of chefs who could handle Luffy. Sanji took pride in being one of the few. 

He was feeling pretty good by the time they met up at the bar. He’d gotten all of his supplies safely put away in the kitchen, and he’d had the chance to flirt with a few very cute girls in town, free of any mockery from his utterly ridiculous crew. This had renewed his overall sense that he was very desirable, Nami was just playing hard to get, and Zoro was a complete idiot. 

He’d bought some wine at the market, a stash just for himself (it was too high quality for any of the others to appreciate), and he’d had a glass of it in the ship’s kitchen before going to meet up with everyone. It had relaxed him decently. 

Perhaps it was exactly because he was feeling quite jubilant that when he entered the bar and located his crew, he walked up to Nami first. 

“Nami-san, you’re looking resplendent tonight,” he greeted. She really was. Even though she hadn’t changed her casual outfit from earlier, she’d been drinking a bit and had a lovely rosy glow dusted across her cheeks. 

This beautiful aura of hers had caused Sanji to fail to notice that she was sitting right next to Zoro, who proceeded to say, “And you’re looking absolutely…” he trailed off, apparently not thinking he could re-use the word resplendent for Sanji. “Give me a creative word, Usopp.” 

“Hmmm,” Usopp looked up in thought. “Enticing? Bewitching? Seductive?” 

“That’s it,” Zoro said, with a half-drunk grin. “You’re looking seductive tonight, cook.” 

This caused the whole table, even Robin, to laugh. 

“That’s not what I said to her!” Sanji protested. Something about the swordsman’s delivery had caused a weird pit to form in his stomach. He shouldn’t be saying that type of thing in public. Even as a joke, wasn’t that awfully intimate?

“It’s something you probably would say…” Nami pointed out. 

“I’d say it with far more class! And never to another man.”

Zoro shrugged. “Hey, I’ve got my own style.”

“Sanji! Aren’t you going to sit down?” Luffy said. “Tell me all about the new food you bought today!” 

Grateful for his captain’s ever-effortless way of diffusing tension, Sanji complied with this request. He hadn’t exactly wanted Luffy to know about the meals he now had in stock, but talking to him was a far better alternative than partaking in whatever the hell this new dynamic was between him and that mosshead. 

After two glasses of wine — a much cheaper vintage than the one he’d bought earlier — Sanji once again mellowed out. He felt very pleasantly removed from the conversations of his crew, which had fallen into a smooth background murmur. Of course, they were really awfully loud people, but the alcohol was doing a fine job muffling them. 

Nami had gone to retrieve Zoro’s second free beer, so Sanji considered turning his overflowing affections towards Robin, who luckily hadn’t made a deal with a swordsman relentlessly determined to ruin his life and livelihood. 

He decided to give it a shot. 

“Robin-chan, your eyes look so beautiful in this lighting.”

“Oh really?” she said, with genuine interest. However, she was looking at Luffy. And in fact, talking to Luffy as well. She hadn’t even heard Sanji.

“Yeah!” Luffy went on. “That’s how I got my first bounty poster, after all.” 

“Wow,” said Zoro. Who was actually, deeply unfortunately, talking to Sanji. “You are so ridiculous. You’re like a caricature of yourself.” 

Sanji grimaced. “Bite me, marimo.” 

“Bet you’d like it, love-cook,” Zoro said immediately, with a troublesome glint in his eye. 

Sanji wanted to retaliate and insist that he’d done absolutely nothing to deserve that line, but this was already a losing battle. 

“Don’t hold your breath,” he said, standing up from the table with a bit of an embarrassing stagger. Thankfully, Zoro had already entered into another semi-hostile conversation, this time with Nami, who’d returned with his beer. 

Sanji had intended to go chat up some of the other rather beautiful women at the bar. There was no one to stop him from doing that, after all. At least, not physically. 

Mentally, he was working with quite the challenge. He’d been at the top of his game one glass of wine ago, and that’s when he should have started making the rounds. However, he was distracted now, and every time he told a woman that she looked gorgeous or magnificent, all he could hear was that contemptible swordsman telling him he looked seductive . It was absurd. He’d borrowed that word from Usopp, after all, it hadn’t even been in his vocabulary to start with. 

And yet, for some reason, that comment had burned itself into Sanji’s ears. He was thinking maybe it had just gone to his head. He was proud of it. 

That was it. He knew he looked seductive, at any rate. His style was suave and carefully curated. He was attractive and mysterious, and he smoked. That was seductive to women. Or it should have been. 

For some reason, neither his looks nor his disposition were getting him anywhere tonight. This was because his conversational skills were struggling to keep up. He got in maybe one or two remarks with every woman in the establishment, but each time he gave it a go, he’d think about Roronoa Zoro saying his own line back to him, and just like that, the experience was soured. 

Eventually, he just went outside to smoke in peace. Zoro was going to pay for this. Literally. Sanji was going to somehow find a way to make him pay for his next pack of cigarettes, since he was running through them at an almost unbelievable record pace. Zoro was factually shortening his lifespan. By being frustratingly good at flirting. 

So that’s what was bothering him, he realized. 

Zoro was good at something Sanji prided himself on being exceptional at. And he was doing it all for free drinks. He wasn’t even trying . Sanji hadn’t ever seen him use a single line on a woman. Hell, he’d use his swords on women before using lines. 

And it wasn’t just the lines either, because for the most part, they were Sanji’s originally. Somehow, despite an overall unpleasant demeanor, it was Zoro’s delivery of these remarks that was alluring. Or would be. To a woman. 

And Sanji knew women very well. He could understand, from an objective standpoint, how most of them could easily fall for the rough charms of a careless and confident alcoholic swordsman. 

It was simply a curse of the universe. Sanji had always known that life was deeply unfair, so this shouldn’t have come as a surprise. He just couldn’t let Zoro know that what he was doing was impressive. 

*** 

Having returned to the ship later than some (Chopper, Robin, Nami) and earlier than others (Luffy, Usopp, Zoro), Sanji fully expected to be woken up in the middle of the night by other members of the crew. It was just a given. 

Worst case scenario, Luffy would drag him out of his hammock for something he claimed was an emergency, but was probably just a card game he and Usopp needed an extra player for (yes, this was worse than an actual emergency). Best case scenario, one of them would accidentally step on him while trying to climb into their own hammocks. It was annoying when that happened, and it happened a lot , but at least he could grumble an insult and go right back to sleep. 

What he did not expect was to somehow sleep through Luffy and Usopp’s noisy, laughter-filled bedtime routine, only to be shaken awake by a certain loathsome someone. 

“Hey. Cook. Are you up?” 

Sanji very reluctantly lifted his head. “Well, I wasn’t, until you started assaulting me.” He yanked his arm away from Zoro. “What do you want?” 

“I’m hungry,” he said, like that was enough of an explanation. 

“What do you expect me to do about it?” 

Zoro shrugged. “Cook something.” 

“What, are you too drunk to do anything for yourself?” Sanji hissed. 

“Heh. Yeah.” 

“You’re on your own, marimo.” He closed his eyes again, not caring in the slightest.

“Hey, I thought you didn’t let anyone go hungry.” 

Ugh. Right. Sanji had morals. Technically, of course, Zoro was just being a dick. He wouldn’t starve if Sanji went back to sleep, and they both knew this. But this felt like a challenge to his honor as a cook. He’d made a pledge to feed every hungry person he came across, and he didn’t want there ever to be a reason for anyone to call him a hypocrite. Even if it was an utterly moronic reason, such as this. 

“Next time, I’m throwing you overboard,” he grumbled as he got up. 

“I’ll throw you first,” was Zoro’s response. 

“Then who’s gonna cook your frivolous drunk meals?” Sanji grabbed him by the front of his shirt and practically dragged him to the ladder. Once they got up on deck, a combination of several free and self-purchased beverages, plus the natural tilting of the ship, caused Zoro to nearly fall over a number of times. 

This lightened Sanji’s mood considerably, as he enjoyed watching someone with such objectively remarkable combat abilities make such a complete fool of himself. That was, until Zoro decided that the best way to steady himself was to put an arm around Sanji, which he did not retract despite a kick to the shins. 

When they got to the kitchen, Sanji shoved him down onto a bench.

“Alright, what am I making?” 

“Whatever,” Zoro said indifferently. 

“Fuck you, I didn’t drag your sorry, handsy corpse all the way up here for whatever . Give me a proper order.” 

“Hmm…” He seemed to actually be thinking, which was a great surprise. “Ramen. You make awesome ramen.” 

“Quit it with that idiotic flirting,” Sanji groaned. “Nami-san isn’t even here. Though, I wish she was…” 

“What?” Zoro let out a short, singular laugh. “What do you mean? I’m definitely off the clock. You think I’m flirting with you right now?”

“Um—” Sanji felt his face heat from the mistake. He turned to the cabinets and started pulling out the pots and pans he needed for ramen. This helped him gather himself enough to verbalize a response. “You never say anything good about my cooking. You hate my cooking.” 

“No one in the world hates your cooking, curly-brow. Just like how no one in the world hates my swordsmanship.” 

“Pretty sure the people you gravely injure hate your swordsmanship,” Sanji said, bringing some broth to a simmer and pausing to light a cigarette. “But come on, you like my food all of a sudden?” He desperately wanted to hear Zoro admit to it again. He was the last holdout on a crew that otherwise unanimously praised Sanji’s culinary abilities. 

“Are you stupid? Yeah, obviously. I eat it, don't I?”

“I’m going to remind you that you said that when you’re sober and calling me a shitty cook,” Sanji promised. He began chopping some vegetables, feeling pretty good about himself. 

“Well, you’re a cook and you’re shitty.” He laughed again, apparently finding his own comment incredibly funny. 

“Are you actually trying to get me to kick your head off while you’re drunk?”

“I could take you drunk.”

“No you couldn’t, mosshead!” Sanji insisted, annoyed by the other’s atrociously high opinion of himself. “You can barely stand without my help!”

“Oh, you wanna go?” 

Sanji assessed the situation. He’d just added mushrooms to the broth, and they should simmer for about ten minutes before he started on the noodles. Yeah, he could definitely beat Zoro in less than ten minutes. 

He whipped around, swinging a kick to meet the cross-section of two swords. When had he had the time to draw those? Zoro’s prowess was infuriating. 

It was tougher than Sanji had expected, and he’d definitely have a few bruises the next day, but just as he’d assumed, he had the advantage of being only slightly inebriated while facing an opponent whose sense of direction was entirely non-functional. Well, more non-functional than usual. 

To be fair, it wasn’t really Sanji who took him out within five of the ten minutes he’d allotted himself. It was one of the benches, which Zoro tripped over while trying to maneuver backwards. The resulting impact with the floor gave Sanji enough time to kick his swords away and plant a knee on his chest. It wasn’t his most satisfying victory, but he’d take it. 

He’d let Zoro up eventually of course, but he had a few minutes to spare, so he decided to let him relish in his humiliating defeat for a little longer. Keeping him pinned with his leg, Sanji lit another cigarette.

“I told you,” he bragged, exhaling smoke. He pocketed his lighter, but before his hand could move back up to smooth his hair as intended, Zoro grabbed his wrist. 

With a brief flash of fear, Sanji wondered if Zoro was actually going to try to do something to his hand. He knew Sanji needed his hands, right? Even in a state of intoxication, he couldn’t be that insidious. …Right? 

Thankfully, Sanji was correct in this assessment, though what actually happened was a whole lot weirder than he could’ve anticipated. 

Instead of trying to break his wrist or bite his fingers off, Zoro brought Sanji’s hand down to his mouth and brushed his lips against the back of it in a way that Sanji could only have described as…well, seductive . Their gazes met. 

A shiver ran through him, and he leapt off of the swordsman immediately. “Argh! What the hell!”

Then, his legs were kicked out from under him. 

In an instant, Sanji’s back was against the floor, a sword against his throat. When had he found the time to pick up his sword again? Honestly, infuriating. 

“Tiebreaker,” Zoro said, as justification for his actions. He smirked. “Sorry, cook. You lose.” 

Wow , was the only thing Sanji could think. 

Wow , because he couldn’t believe what a cheap win it was. Wow , because Zoro kept being impressive in a way that made Sanji boil over with rage. And wow , because this was something else. This was just…something else. 

Sanji inhaled sharply, forgetting the cigarette that was still in his mouth, and immediately began coughing and hacking. 

Mercifully, Zoro sheathed his sword and let Sanji sit up. Unmercifully, he looked very satisfied with himself. 

“You’re the worst person alive,” Sanji accused, after he’d gotten his lungs back. “Fuck. Do you want the ramen or not?” 

“Yeah,” said Zoro, sitting back down. 

So, Sanji prepared the rest of the meal. Then, Zoro ate it all within three minutes and promptly fell asleep at the table afterwards. It figured. 

After doing the dishes, Sanji snuck back to his hammock, resisting the urge to wake the swordsman up just to pick another fight. 

He’d just figure out how to get the upper hand in the morning. This was far from over.

***

Nami was having the most productive day of her entire voyage with the Straw Hat crew. She’d put the finishing touches on a few of her in-progress maps before breakfast, and everyone who would usually be getting on her nerves during the first meal of the day seemed too sleepy to bother. 

They were setting sail again after their stop the day before, and after correcting their course and double checking the wind patterns, Nami had some more rare and glorious free time. 

She remembered that she’d wanted to test out the capabilities of her new Clima-Tact with Usopp, so she told him she’d grab it and meet him on the upper deck. Luffy had, of course, invited himself along to watch. 

With this plan in place, she emerged from the stairs to her room, Clima-Tact in hand, only to be met with the consequences of her actions. 

“Nami-saaaan!” Sanji greeted her. 

Zoro was with him, and still making good on what he’d been bribed to do, so he echoed Sanji’s greeting with a much less enthusiastic, “Cook-saaaan.” 

“You see, Nami-san? I’m wearing him out! By the way, you’ve never looked more like a goddess.”

Zoro put a hand on Sanji’s shoulder. “You’re smoking hot. Get it? Because you’re a sexy chainsmoker.”

“That was appalling!” Sanji exclaimed, kicking Zoro in the leg. His face was bright red. “ Nami-san is—”

“Seriously?” Nami interrupted. “You two turned this into a competition, didn’t you?”

“They did,” answered Robin, who had just strolled in with a cup of coffee in hand. “Let me see if I understand this. If Zoro infuriates Sanji to the extent that he — even briefly — stops flirting with you, Zoro wins. This, we already knew.” 

Nami nodded. 

“But,” Robin continued, “if Sanji flirts with you so much that Zoro gets tired and gives up, Sanji wins.” 

“That’s right,” Sanji confirmed. Then, to Zoro, “and I intend to win.” 

“I should have seen this coming,” Nami admitted. 

“Nami-san is the most perfect creature alive!” 

“If I had to sleep with someone on this boat, it’d be you.” 

“That’s entirely unrelated, disgusting, and not even very much of a compliment!” 

“You won’t be saying that after I seduce you, pervy cook.”

“You aren’t capable of seducing anybody , you brainless, moss-ridden—”

“Sooo,” Nami said to Robin, “is there an outcome where I win?” 

“Look on the bright side,” Robin told her, “it doesn’t really look like you even have to be here for this.” 

“Huh.” Robin had a point. Even though Sanji was bringing her up constantly, he was mostly focused on Zoro. The two of them probably wouldn’t notice if she left. “Sweet. You wanna come watch Usopp and I test out the Clima-Tact?” 

“So many fun things to observe on this ship,” Robin mused. “How will I ever choose where to spend my time?”

***

After a few more days, Sanji was at his wit’s end, Zoro showed no signs of giving up, and Nami was now confident she’d map out the whole world in no time (she’d really have it made if Luffy was as easy to distract as Sanji).

After another island stop and a few small scuffles with the local marines that had forced them to leave sooner than expected, the crew was once again drinking jovially and spending the evening together, this time at sea. 

Zoro had grumbled about not being able to get free drinks from Nami, who reminded him that since she’d only promised him a reward at every port they stopped at, and therefore would not be giving up any of her claim to the alcohol already on board. He cursed her for her technicalities. 

Sanji, who had been desperate for a way to get Zoro to shut his mouth, saw this as a golden opportunity. 

“You’re not the only one who can take advantage of our swordsman’s alcoholism, beautiful Nami-san,” he told her. “Marimo, if I give you a bottle of wine that is far too nice for you, will you kindly put your absurd deal with our sweet navigator to an end?” 

To Sanji’s absolute shock, after seeming to genuinely mull over his options, Zoro leaned back, closed his eyes and said, “Hm. No. Sweet-cook.” 

“Why not!” 

“Hey, I love a good drink,” he said. “But unlike you, with your cigarettes and your pursuit of women, I’ve got a little thing called self-restraint.” A bit overly self-righteous, Sanji thought, since despite refusing the wine, he was still drinking a decent share of sake. “Plus, I’m winning. And,” he opened one eye to look at Sanji, in a weird sort of reverse-wink, “I’m having fun.”

“You are in no way winning,” Sanji insisted. “It’s only a matter of time before I get the upper hand. And if you won’t accept my generous peace offering, I’ll just drink all my good wine myself.” 

“Oh yeah?” 

Losing track of what exactly he was trying to prove, Sanji proceeded to do precisely what he’d said he would. As the evening carried on, he drank what was left of his wine (about three-quarters of the bottle) in front of Zoro, throwing scowls his way in between sips. The rest of the crew failed to find this interesting, but Zoro did seem a little perplexed by the determination with which Sanji was doing this. It made him feel like maybe he’d achieved something, however meaningless and opaque. It also, increasingly, made Sanji determined to fight him. 

He was itching to fight. He was absolutely desperate for it. They hadn’t physically come to blows since a few nights ago in the kitchen, and that hadn’t been a fair fight anyway. Sanji needed a rematch. 

Zoro had gotten under his skin. He could admit this to himself after four glasses of wine and two cigarettes. All week, he’d been so deeply annoying. Sanji couldn’t even look at him without feeling annoyed. So annoyed that he constantly wanted the swordsman’s hands on him. 

In a fight. In a fight that Sanji would win. Of course. 

It was all he could think about. He’d even found his daily ruminations straying from Nami-san. 

Nami-san. She was talking to him right now. And he hadn’t been listening at all!

“And don’t you agree, Sanji-kun?” she said, smiling prettily. 

“I’m sure he doesn’t,” Zoro scoffed. 

“Of course I do!” Sanji proclaimed, not knowing what he was agreeing to. He only knew that Nami-san must naturally be right and the mosshead must definitely be wrong. 

Or so he assumed. But the way the crew stared at him made him second guess himself immediately. 

“Interesting,” commented Robin. Luffy and Usopp were clearly stifling laughter. Nami looked on in disbelief, and for some reason, Zoro seemed a bit baffled. It was a weird look on him. 

“You?” Usopp said, in between peals of laughter. “ You agree that Zoro’s the best-looking member of the Straw Hat Pirates?” 

“No!” Sanji protested. “That’s really what you all were talking about?!” 

“Sanji-kun,” Nami said, fake heartbreak in her voice, “you weren’t listening to me?” She pouted. 

“Figures,” Zoro said. He was back to normal now. For a second, he’d truly seemed caught off guard. “He was looking at you, of course he wasn’t listening.” 

Sanji was torn between saying that’s because she’s the most beautiful one here and well, actually, I was thinking about you, asshole. But both remarks seemed ill-suited. The first one would prompt a mocking flirtation in which Zoro would, in turn, call him beautiful or handsome or lovely or any number of things that Sanji absolutely didn’t need Zoro to call him right now. The second option would just confirm to everyone that Sanji was losing this competition and losing majorly. 

He needed to fight. He needed to shake this.

The crew moved on, thankfully, from ribbing Sanji for his drunken mistake to ribbing Luffy for tripping over a crate as he got up to steal a snack from the kitchen ( Sanji ’s kitchen, but he didn’t have the mental space for that issue right now) despite not having consumed a single sip of alcohol. 

By the time Sanji had finished his third post-wine cigarette, everyone more or less agreed to pack it in for the night. 

It was late enough that Zoro’s nightly watch was officially starting, so he agreed to stay on deck while everyone else went to bed. Except for Sanji, who thought this an ideal moment to take action. 

“Marimo,” he called, crushing the butt of his cigarette under his heel. “I want a rematch.”

Zoro turned, putting a hand on the hilt of one of his swords. “It’s like I’ve seen this before, eyebrows. Do you really want me cutting you to shreds while you’re drunk?”

“I could take you drunk,” Sanji said, staggering towards him. He feared that perhaps his tone hadn’t been as threatening as he’d imagined. He feared that perhaps he was smiling like a complete fool. 

“No you couldn’t.” Zoro grinned and drew a single sword. 

And suddenly Sanji was obsessed. He was obsessed with this, with the way sparring with Zoro made him feel. It may have been the wine, which had gone straight to his head, but he relished the wonderful thrill of tension being released with each unsteady kick that Zoro’s sword deflected. 

“Don’t be shy!” he called, after they’d gone at each other for a few minutes. “Draw another sword, I’ll still beat you!” 

However, his perception of his circumstances had not yet caught up with his mind or with his mouth. He realized too late that he was near the rail of the ship, and as a singular strike narrowly missed snagging his shirt, he jumped back a bit too far. 

A sudden, sobering fear overtook him as he felt himself hit the rail and lose his balance. He briefly began to tip. Then, he was jerked back in the opposite direction by a hand that had grabbed the collar of his shirt. He breathed a sigh of relief instinctively, then groaned at the realization that Zoro had saved him from his own clumsiness. 

“You sure about that, lovely-cook?” As insult to injury, Zoro sheathed his sword, unofficially declaring their fight over. 

“Ugh, don’t call me that while I’m beating you to a pulp, mosshead,” Sanji said, trying to get his edge back. 

“I did just win,” Zoro pointed out. 

“You did not ,” Sanji argued. “The ship just isn’t big enough.”

“Whatever you say.” Zoro said, unconvinced. He released Sanji’s shirt, which he’d still been gripping until this moment. 

This felt deeply unsatisfying, on multiple levels. So, Sanji decided to pull out the only other tactic he could think of. Something that would finally infuriate Zoro to the same extent that he’d been infuriating him. 

“Hey, marimo,” he declared, with a confidence that only intoxication could instill. “Tiebreaker.” 

Then, he grabbed the front of Zoro’s shirt, and in another act of frankly unwarranted reciprocity, kissed him violently. 

For about ten seconds, Sanji felt really good about this decision. Zoro looked absolutely shocked afterwards. And shock wasn’t an expression he wore often, so Sanji was proud to have conjured it. 

“You lose,” he announced. 

Somehow, this phrase quickly abated the shock, because Zoro’s competitive tone returned immediately. “What, was that you trying to call my bluff?” 

“Not so funny to you now, I bet.” Sanji lit a cigarette, thinking he pretty much permanently had the upper hand now. Though…he wasn’t sure why he thought that. Slowly, some sort of realization was creeping up on him. 

“You’re gonna have to try harder than that, curly-brow,” Zoro said. 

Before Sanji could wonder what he even meant by that, the swordsman had snatched the cigarette right out of his mouth. Then, he was kissing Sanji . 

Actively. And kind of intensely. 

Well. Sanji wasn’t going to be the first to quit. He had his own moves. This was just another form of sparring. Completely and utterly the same. 

Usually, he wasn’t trying to bite his opponent’s lip or push his tongue into his mouth, though. That was admittedly new. And usually, he wasn’t foiled by such things as a hand pulling him closer at the waist. He’d have to find a way to counter that. 

“So predictable, cook,” Zoro murmured against his mouth. “You taste like cigarettes.” 

“Yeah,” Sanji agreed, distracted. He continued to do his very best to get the swordsman to shut up. 

He couldn’t really tell who was winning anymore. He hoped it was him, but a firm hand in his hair made him begin to think differently. 

“You know,” said Zoro, a little too earnestly for Sanji’s comfort. “You can admit that you’re actually a little into this, love-cook.” 

“Fuck you, I am not!” Sanji insisted, reality crashing down on him. This looked bad for him, he realized. If he didn’t salvage this quickly, Zoro was going to have infinite blackmail to use against him. After he’d already accidentally and unknowingly said that he thought Zoro was attractive earlier, this was utterly catastrophic. It wasn’t like he meant any of this, after all. He was just…trying to prove a point. “You admit it first if you’re so eager, you damn mosshead.” 

Zoro smirked, and Sanji got the terrible feeling that he had yet another tiebreaker up his sleeve. 

“No way,” the swordsman whispered in his ear, “ Sanji .” 

This was, again, an incredibly cheap tactic. One that Sanji would have scoffed at if he hadn’t had so much to drink or didn’t already feel like his world had flipped completely upside down. But, as it happened, he was in the exact right state of mind to be vividly affected by Zoro’s use of his actual name for maybe the first time ever. 

He felt his head go light. 

“Uh,” Zoro said, suddenly looking at him very oddly. “Cook, you’re bleeding a bit.” 

“What?!” Sanji’s hand went to his face, hoping, praying that he somehow had an actual open wound. No luck. His nose was bleeding. He’d managed to seriously get a nosebleed over this. This was a new low. A really new low. Newer and lower than ever.

His only consolation as he attempted to clean his face with his sleeve was that Zoro now looked about as awkward as Sanji felt. 

“Don’t you dare tell anyone about this!” he ordered. “And give me back my damn cigarette.” 

“Oh, right.” Zoro looked at the still-burning cigarette between his fingers as if he didn’t remember how it had gotten there. And yet, the bastard still chose to return it to Sanji by shoving it directly in his mouth. 

“I really hate you,” Sanji said, because he couldn’t admit that he’d just lost miserably. “I hate you, and I hate Nami-san, and—” 

“You hate Nami-san?” Zoro asked, with teasing incredulity. 

“No! I didn’t mean that! I—” Sanji floundered. 

“Well, looks like I did my job. It’s been fun, cook.” And just like that, Zoro turned on his heel and began to walk away. As he left, he called, “Maybe we can do this again sometime.” 

“Not in a million years, marimo!” Sanji angrily stomped out his cigarette and then lit another. It was a needless waste, but he wanted to smoke one that hadn’t been in Zoro’s hand. 

The swordsman let out a small laugh before disappearing into the storage room, as if he somehow knew how ridiculous Sanji felt.

Infuriating. 

***

That had all gotten slightly out of hand, in Zoro’s humble opinion. In his defense, that idiot cook had kissed him first. What was he supposed to do, not rise to the challenge? 

Yeah, so what if he’d liked it? It was a little embarrassing that he’d flustered himself so much in his determination to fluster the cook. But he’d played it off well enough. Even if he’d be thinking about it for weeks. 

The flirting would definitely have to be over though. Now that he did actually find the cook a bit hot (because he could admit that to himself, seeing as he wasn’t as deeply repressed as some people ), he could absolutely never call him hot again. Zoro would do anything for a bribe or a bet or a challenge, but he wouldn’t be caught dead flirting for real. That wasn’t his style. 

His style was swiftly going to sleep before he had time to overthink what had happened. Yeah, he was good at that. Smugly, he entered the dark bedroom. 

“Zoro, what the hell are you doing in here?” snapped a suspiciously feminine voice. 

“Uh, this isn’t the men’s quarters?” 

“It is not,” said Robin’s voice, helpfully. 

“You’re unbelievable!” snapped Nami, again. “Are you actually lost right now?” 

“No,” he lied. 

“Yes, you are! You’re lost on your own ship!” 

“No,” he doubled down on the lie, more embarrassed than ever. “I’m here because I’m… a total creep.” 

“No, you’re not,” Nami insisted, getting out of bed and pushing him up the stairs. “Aren’t you supposed to be on watch anyway?”

“Uh, maybe.” He’d totally forgotten about that. 

“Go, you directionless weirdo! Do you need me to draw a map for you?” 

“I’m going, I’m going,” he assured her, leaving the room with haste. 

Perhaps his fight with the cook had thrown him off balance a little more than he’d assumed. 

***

Nami read the day’s newspaper serenely on the deck of the Merry, commenting to Usopp whenever she found anything of note. 

“This is the first time in a few weeks that we’re not in it,” she observed. 

“Not even the great Captain Usopp?” said Usopp, feigning surprise. 

“Not even!” 

“We’ll have to do something about that.” 

“Yes,” she agreed, “we’ll have to get drastic.” 

“Nami-san,” said a rather serious voice. 

“Oh, hi, Sanji-kun,” she greeted. “Good morning.” 

“I’d like to apologize to you,” Sanji said. 

“What’s happening?” Usopp whispered. 

“I have no idea…” Nami whispered back. 

“I’ve realized, lovely Nami-san,” Sanji went on, “that flirtatious comments can be very dangerous.” 

“Dangerous…?” she wondered. 

“ Very dangerous,” Sanji said, with a solemnity that made Nami stifle a giggle. “Very overwhelmingly…effective. And I know that you have other priorities, other relationships, that may not fare well in the event of you falling for me.”

Usopp let out a laugh and Nami kicked his leg, quite curious to see where this conversation was heading. 

“So respectfully, I will try to win you over a little less, my beautiful navigator. Since we as a crew cannot afford to have you hopelessly distracted. Though my heart will always be yours.” 

“Thank you, Sanji,” she said, doing her best to maintain a straight face. He was making an effort, after all. 

“May I get either of you a refreshing drink?” 

“What, you’re including me too?” Usopp wondered, in disbelief. 

“Yes,” said Sanji, through gritted teeth. 

“So kind of you, cook-san,” Nami smiled. “We’ll both have a glass of tangerine juice, thank you.” 

Sanji nodded and headed for the kitchen. 

When he was out of earshot, Usopp said, “So let me see if I understand this… you got Zoro to flirt with him?” 

“Yes.” 

“And now he’s apologizing to you…because he thinks flirting is dangerous, effective, and distracting.” 

“Seems to be his logic.” 

“He’s totally into Zoro now, right?” 

“I’d guess,” Nami groaned, realizing she’d created a bigger, albeit more entertaining, problem. 

“But he still seems to kind of think that constant flirting just…works no matter what,” Usopp mused. “So—” 

They looked at each other and came to the same conclusion at the same time. 

“He didn’t learn anything!”