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“A… what?” Susie splutters, despite how serious Ralsei looks.
You think you should be more concerned by the idea of a cryptid in your town, especially one that has appeared without you bringing something to the closet, but honestly? You think it’s stupidly funny. Lemme guess, you’re gonna share it with your evil BFF later over afternoon tea, the voice inside the heart whispers, a sense of bitter jealousy in their tone. You inwardly snort; maybe you will, depending on what the cryptid is, but the heart will never be privy to it.
The heart is not one of your BFFs – evil or otherwise.
“A creature — a cryptid, I believe Lightners refer to them as? — has been haunting Castle Town for a few weeks now, and I really need your assistance in tracking it down. I can’t do it by myself, and I also think it might be quite fun to do together,” Ralsei repeats, pushing his glasses further up his nose. You give it about three seconds before Susie breaks down in tears of laughter.
“Ahahaha! Oh man— oh Ralsei— ahahaha—”
“Susie, it’s not funny! It’s a real issue that is stressing the denizens out!”
It takes two seconds, and inwardly, you feel miffed that you didn’t get it right.
Aw man, that’s embarrassing for you, the heart mocks you, and you thump your chest to get it to shut up. Ha! that hasn’t worked the past seventeen times you’ve tried that, what makes you think it’ll work now?
You grit your teeth; no, it’s never worked, and it annoys you thoroughly.
You decide to slam the heart extra hard into the cage tonight.
Boo, boo, I’m throwing tomatoes so hard at you, boo.
You cut Susie’s cackling short by announcing that, actually, you should check this cryptid out. As Ralsei says, it could be fun. Susie gives you a weird look, and you try to smile back reassuringly, but it must come across odd on your face, which makes her snort once more.
“Yeah, okay,” she says, hands tucked behind her head. “We haven’t got anything else to do today, so why not?” You nod at her and begin to lead your two friends into the main town square. “So, you have any leads, clues, anything?”
Ralsei hums thoughtfully. “Well, Swatch believes it has wings,” he says, tapping his chin. “And I think the Addisons mentioned something about a horrifying laugh.”
“So, a cryptid with wings and a dumb laugh, huh?” Susie says. “That narrows it down.”
You know that I know that you know that I know who it is, the heart says. You shut it down, refusing to let it ruin the mystery and Ralsei's fun. Pffft! You sure love dramatic irony, huh? You don’t know how that is relevant, but when does the heart ever say anything relevant? Like, all the time, wtf?
Exactly.
Never.
“So, where do you want to go first?” Ralsei asks politely. “We can go ask Swatch about what he’s seen, or the Addisons about what they heard.” You consider the options — Swatch can be pretty evasive, but he always gives you a free blueberry tart when you visit and is more than happy to have a chat. On the other hand, the Addisons are pretty annoying sometimes, but they are good for dropping lore. Plus, they’re not exactly coy when it comes to gossiping, so you’ll probably get more information out of them.
Pick Swatch, I’m starving, the heart says.
You furrow your brow, ‘cause when did the heart need to eat?
I don’t, but I don’t see you maintaining a proper diet for our body. You grit your teeth; it’s your body, and you will claw back a tiny bit of autonomy, just because you can.
You decide to go and see what the Addisons have to say, grinning when you feel the heart sulk within you. Nice, just nice. I have been so considerate lately! I could’ve made you go to the festival with Berdly! But no, I thought you were going through enough shit and decided you’d be happier third-wheeling Susie and Noelle. See if I am ever nice to you again!
You ignore the ranting; it's become white noise to you at this point anyway.
“The Addisons? Great idea, let’s go,” Ralsei says, pointing towards what used to be the training area. It’s now become a plaza of sorts, with the Addisons taking over and filling it with stalls. They’re selling accessories and food items; you’ve never bought anything from them, as the accessories don’t do anything, and the food items seem to be made of cardboard.
You walk over to where a Pink and Blue Addison are chatting behind a stall selling glitched versions of Seam’s wares. You’re not sure if Castle Town has any laws, but you do know Seam will probably send Jevil over at some point to sort the Addisons out. Or at least, scare them away from encroaching upon his business.
More like Jevil just scaring them for fun and Seam reaping the benefits of it, the heart muses. You don’t like the idea of the heart knowing about the Darkners more than you.
You approach the Pink and Blue Addisons; they immediately turn to you with twin beaming smiles. Idly, you wonder if they have proper names. Pfft! Let’s just call them Pinky and Bluey, the heart says. You resist rolling your eyes; how you got stuck with this heart, you’ll never know. Surely there were smarter hearts out there? Smarter? Yes. Cuter? Maybe. Funnier?? Never.
“Welcome, lovely customers! We hope you enjoy our wares!” Pink says.
“Today we have a great discount! Buy five, get the next three for double the price!” Blue adds.
You think that’s a terrible deal.
“Hello,” Ralsei greets. You think it’s best if Ralsei takes the lead here; he’s the town’s prince, after all, and so will probably know how to get answers out of the denizens better. “We were hoping to talk to you about something important!”
“Oooh! Is it advice? That’ll cost you!” Pink says.
“Four Dark Dollars an answer!” Blue says.
Terrible, just terrible deals all around.
Ralsei clearly agrees as he frowns and shakes his head.
“No, we want to ask about the—”
“Well, bless my circuits! It’s my favourite viewers!” a familiar voice cuts Ralsei off. You turn and see Tenna crossing the courtyard. You think he looks a lot happier than he did in his own world. Susie only told you briefly that she put him back together, and you can see his sleeves have been attached to his jacket with bright yellow thread. His screen is clearly burned-in, and one of his antennas is crooked. Still, he looks really happy to see you all. You would have thought he’d be more upset that you haven’t found someone to adopt him yet, but that doesn’t seem to be the case at all.
“Tenna!” Susie turns and greets him happily.
Oh damn, the heart whispers longingly, he’s so soggy-wet-cat.
You don’t know what that means.
You don’t want to know what that means.
“Susie, sweetheart! How are you, darling?” Tenna greets, petting her on the head when she grabs him in a fierce hug. You see him peer over her head to look at you. You’re not sure what to feel about him; sometimes, you see him and he makes you feel safer than anything else. Most times you see him, you just feel sad. “Kris! Nice to see you again! It’s always great to see my best kiddos!”
If you hugged him right now, he’d probably die, the heart says. It unnervingly sounds way too excited about that prospect. You choose to give Tenna a thumbs-up instead, which he happily returns. You think hugging Tenna would be like hugging your dad. You decide to shove that thought away as quickly as it formed.
“Hey, Tenna, we’re sorry about leaving you here,” Susie says, pulling away from the hug. “We’re gonna find someone to adopt you, I promise!”
Tenna’s smile flickers strangely.
“Oh! That’s… that’s okay,” he says, waving a hand in the air. “I don’t mind hanging around here, no rush!” And strangely, he sounds like he means it.
“A-Are you sure?” Susie asks because she’s kinda made it her mission to find someone suitable for Tenna. She’s got pretty high standards, which you think is pretty adorable. Susie really cares about the Darkners; you think they should refer to the town as Susietown, to be honest.
“Absolutely! So! What are you doing here?” Tenna asks, clapping his hands together as he forces the conversation along. “I’m just meeting up with the Addisons about a new potential advert they want to put up at the studio!” He waves at the Addisons behind the stall, who titter and giggle in return. You think they blush. You wrinkle your nose; you didn’t think they could get weirder.
“Hunting a cryptid,” Ralsei explains.
“That’s so funny! I have no idea what that is!” Tenna exclaims, making his way over to the Addisons.
“It’s, uh, like a creature no one has really seen? Something that just haunts a place?” Susie tries to explain. Tenna gasps as his hands fly to clasp his screen.
“How fun! Sounds like it would make for a great TV premise!” he says, his antenna sparking slightly. “A creature feature would be so exciting!”
“If we find it, maybe we can get it to go on your show?” Susie suggests.
“Susie, Susie, Susie, I cannot get enough of your kindness! Miss Congeniality, right here!” Tenna flutters, twirling around in glee.
“It’s really no big deal!” Susie says bashfully.
You wonder if you need to compliment Susie more; she’s so bad at accepting them.
Or even noticing them, honestly. Especially when they come from Noelle.
I’m not going to make a joke about useless lesbians, I promise, the heart says, oh wait, I think I just did.
“Mr Tenna! Mr Tenna!” the Addisons call out, having finally gotten tired of waiting for his attention. “Come, we have some low-priced ideas at fast-paced rates!”
Tenna grins charmingly as he strolls over to them. They giggle harder when he gets close. “What do you have for me?”
“Oh, what don’t we have for you?” Pink flutters at him.
“Our latest idea will blow you away,” Blue exclaims.
“And we’re going to give you 33% off if you take it now!” they say in delighted unison. They look up at him as if he’s a piece of pie, all big eyes and salivating mouths. It makes you uncomfortable; one look at Tenna’s tense shoulders, and you think he’s uncomfortable too.
"If you can't decide now, we could always find a way to persuade you later," Blue says lowly. You... you think they're trying to flirt with Tenna.
They're doing a horrible job at it, too.
“Well, why don’t we—” Tenna is cut off suddenly.
Out of nowhere, a cold, cruel laugh picks up. It's slow at first, and pretty faint, but then it grows louder and echoes around the training area in an awful cacophony of shrieks and giggles.
“EAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
Please let me tell you now, it’s only going to get worse, the heart declares.
“It's come back!” Pink cries out.
“It’s coming to kill us!” Blue says tearfully.
“Not again!”
“We’ll talk about this later, Mr Tenna, we have to dash!”
The Addisons then run away, the horrifying laughter seemingly following them and then eventually fading to an eerie whisper. You see Susie’s freaked-out expression and Ralsei’s frightened look. You wonder if you should be disturbed too, but for some reason, you can’t bring yourself to feel surprised by what has happened.
Oh, it’s almost as if you have a talking Spoiler Alert in your chest, the heart snarks at you.
What is most interesting, however, is Tenna’s reaction. He does not look perturbed; if anything, he looks irritated. Tenna stares up at the sky with a frustrated frown until he clearly remembers that he has an audience. He turns back to you all, patting himself down awkwardly with a matching awkward smile.
“W-Well, wasn’t that just peachy! Love an interrupted meeting,” he says, though you can tell he’s annoyed by the weird smile on his face. “Who doesn’t enjoy all their hard planning going to waste in an instant!”
“I don’t suppose you know anything about that creature? It’s been scaring all the denizens, but we don’t really know why,” Ralsei says, pointing in the direction of the deranged laughter. You watch as Tenna freezes, his smile disappearing as quickly as it reappears. He keels over in a fit of laughter, slapping his thighs and wiping away imaginary tears.
“Ralsei, buddy, pal! You are too funny!”
“I wasn’t joking? We think that’s the cryptid we’re—”
“Oh!” Tenna bolts up, checking his wrist for an imaginary watch. “Would you look at the time, I’m scheduled for another meeting! Got to run, kids! Have a great day!” Then he strolls away, whistling a familiar tune as he does so.
Well, that’s not suspicious at all, the heart drawls.
“Is it just me, or is he being weird?” Susie asks, before she hums to herself thoughtfully. “Well, weirder.”
“He has been a little strange since you last visited,” Ralsei says, looking down as he plays with a loose thread in his scarf. You think about bringing him one from your world. You think about it turning into a potential scarf-themed Darkner. You drop the idea quickly. “But I think he has a new project at the studio that’s been keeping him busy. I do seem to find him running around the town a lot.”
Poor soggy-wet-cat, the heart says mournfully, you should let me wrap him in blankets and feed him cookies. And no, you will not.
“Well, we can deal with Tenna being weird later,” Susie says, “we know the cryptid is real, so let’s see what Swatch has to say!” You nod with her and begin leading them towards the café.
Blueberry tart! Blueberry tart! Blueberry tart!
You spitefully decide not to order any food when you get there.
The heart doesn’t deserve any.
“A… cryptid?” Swatch repeats, handing over Susie her fourteenth tart.
They’ve only been here three minutes; it’s definitely a new record for her, and you know how proud she’ll be when you tell her later. Still, there’s a grumble in your stomach, and you watch longingly as she gulps the tart down in one go.
Spite doesn’t taste as nice as pastries, huh, the heart murmurs.
You stay silent out of, well… out of spite.
“Cryptid Definition: A Cryptid Is A Creature That People Claim To Have Seen, But That Hasn’t Been Proven To Exist,” Queen recites, before she throws her head back with a laugh. “Oh Wow, I Have 749,000 Search Results.” She cocks her head with a thoughtful hum. She’s perched on the counter, playing with Swatch’s tie idly. Damn, I ship it, the heart says, before it sighs in your chest, making you shiver slightly, she’s so cool. “People Are Weird. I Love Them.”
“I see,” Swatch says, clearing the countertop of Susie’s crumbs. You frown; you were kinda hoping to eat the crumbs instead. “And what does the creature look like?”
“You’ll know the one we’re hunting,” Ralsei informs him, “it’s the winged creature with the terrible laugh.”
“Ah, yes,” Swatch says with a nod. “It has not been around for a while, but it is upsetting the denizens.”
“What We Need Is A Really Big Gun,” Queen says, dropping Swatch’s tie and turning to you eagerly. “Kris You Like Violence Right? (LMAO I Know You Do Don’t Look At Me Like That) Let Me Order A Gun And Then We Can—”
“No! We are not using any kind of weapon in this town,” Ralsei dictates, “this is a peaceful place, and whilst it might be frightening to the denizens, it hasn’t actually hurt anyone.”
“—Boo. Spoilsport,” Queen says, before she grins wildly. “(Kris, Kris, Kris If You Still Want That Gun Wink Twice).”
Aw hell yeah, do it, do it, do it, the heart chants eagerly.
You can feel the urge to wink overcoming you, but you decide to be vindictive and blink twice instead.
“(Dang Kris Can You Not Wink?) (That Is So Sad And Embarrassing),” Queen pouts.
Can you not embarrass me in front of her, the heart moans.
You blink a third time, harder.
“(Stop Please You Are Concerning Me).”
“Okay, so when did you first notice the cryptid?” Ralsei asks, and you can tell by his flushed cheeks that Queen’s whispering could do with some improvement.
“Hmm. Two weeks ago?” Swatch says, placing a whole plateful of tarts in front of Susie. He’s obviously given up on trying to feed them to her, one by one. You hope she offers you a piece.
“Oh, did something happen two weeks ago?” Ralsei asks.
“Oh Yes,” Queen grins, her body almost vibrating with glee. She jabs a thumb at Swatch. “This Man Made An Honest Laptop Out Of Me.”
Her words leave a beat of silence.
“What?” Susie splutters, pieces of blueberry tart flying out of her mouth.
Oh snap, the heart says, I actually did not see this coming!
“I proposed to her,” Swatch clarifies, a soft flush on his cheeks.
“With The Biggest USB Drive You Have Ever Seen,” Queen says, a pair of red hearts gleaming in her visor. “He Got Tenna To Help Him Organise The Most Romantic Proposal Complete With Acid Waterfall And Fireworks In The Shape Of My Lovely Ass.”
“I almost didn’t hear your acceptance over Tenna’s shrieks,” Swatch says warmly, “one might have thought he was the one I was proposing to.”
“Oh Yes Now That Is A Thought,” Queen says, binary flooding her screen.
You do not want to know what she’s looking at.
She’s looking at — YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW WHAT SHE’S LOOKING AT.
Alright, dang, I’ll be quiet, the heart pouts and you know it’s a lying liar who lies.
“That’s when the cryptid made itself known,” Swatch explains, gazing at Queen with a soft glimmer in his glasses. “We didn’t see it properly, only a scattering of unusually coloured feathers and a loud crackle. It must’ve scared Mr Tenna something fierce as he had disappeared the moment it happened.”
“I struggle to imagine Mr Tenna scared,” Ralsei says, “especially by another creature.”
LMAO, what? The guy is absolutely jumpy with trauma. Like, have we all collectively forgotten that he’s ridiculously easy to frighten, the heart says, and you can feel it rolling whatever it has for eyes. You shudder; gross, you really do not want to imagine the heart having eyes.
Susie offers you a half-eaten tart, interpreting your shudder as one of hunger, and well, you are certainly not one to pass up free food. Especially food you've been drooling over for the past five minutes. You eat it out of her hands, causing her to snort and pat your head affectionately.
Please do not bark, the heart says.
You bark.
Susie chuckles.
You feel like you’ve won something important.
“Oh! Queen,” Ralsei says, turning to her excitedly. “You’re very clever, right?”
“Duh.”
“I don’t suppose you could run any simulations to see if the cryptid has any patterns to its behaviour?” Ralsei suggests, tilting his head. Damn it, you have to resist the urge to pet him like this, no matter how extra sweet and fluffy he appears. “Or anything else that could help us?”
Queen hums, before she tilts her head, binary flooding her visor.
“Running Calculations: Cryptid Has A 100% Chance Of Showing When Tenna Is Around,” she announces.
She’s so cool, the heart sighs dreamily again, we should bring Noelle here sometime so she can see her again.
You think that’s a terrible idea and will do everything you can to prevent it from happening.
“Mr Tenna? How odd,” Ralsei says, “although… it did show up when the Addisons began talking to—” he’s cut off when a large, heavy thud hits the roof of the café. The sound is followed by a harsh scraping sound and then a tense silence. After several seconds, nothing else happens, and you all collectively breathe a sigh of relief.
“Additional Data: Cryptid Has A 79% Chance Of Showing When You Mention Tenna,” Queen says unprompted, gazing up at the roof.
“That was it?” Susie asks, already scrambling from her seat and racing out of the café.
“Wait, Susie, it might not be safe,” Ralsei calls out, following her quickly.
“Dang They Have No Sense Of Self-Preservation,” Queen snorts, before she gestures at you. “I Do Not Think They Will Die But If They Did I Would Miss Them A Bit. So You Should Go Make Sure That Does Not Happen.”
You nod, because duh, what else would you do?
You follow Susie and Ralsei outside; they’re standing in the middle of the courtyard, gazing up at the endless void above. You can’t see anything when you join them in gazing upward, but you do see a scattering of colourful, and oddly familiar, feathers on the ground, followed by a visible dent in the café’s roof. It must have flown off when Susie ran outside.
“What should we do next?” Ralsei asks, looking lost as he idly plays with a feather.
“How about we stop standing in a circle staring at the sky?” Susie suggests dryly.
“Oh, that’s a good idea,” Ralsei says, and you all stop staring at the sky and look at each other instead.
Tenna’s come up twice now, maybe check in with him, see what he knows, the heart prods at you, listen, there’s only so many dots I can present to you without giving it away, so just go see him.
You suggest going to see Tenna.
“Yeah,” Susie agrees, “everything seems to revolve around him, doesn’t it? Let’s see if he can tell us anything.”
“Good idea, Kris!” Ralsei praises.
You see their smiles and feel slightly sick; one day, they’ll find out. They’ll find out that the heart is not yours, that you’re nothing more than the puppet Spamton saw you as. They’ll find out your secret, that you’re in cahoots with the Knight and— slow down there, Themster, you gotta calm down! You keep freaking out and saying cringeworthy crap like 'cahoots', and they’ll definitely figure shit out before you’re ready. Besides, you don’t even know if they’ll be mad! They could actually be pretty chill. They might not even care at all that I am not you. You could be blowing this all outta proportion. You bite your lip and feel somewhat settled. See, I can be nice! Maybe now you’ll buy me a fun toy for that birdcage you shove me in every night.
You snort to yourself as you lead your friends to the TV Studio.
You also owe me one for beating the crap outta me with that hockey stick! Buy me a toy, or we’ll see how you like having a puck bounced off your head!
Aaaand the heart ruined it.
You enter the TV Studio, and the Zapper behind the counter greets you with a happy beep.
You ask to see Tenna, and it directs you to the room at the end of the corridor – Mike’s room.
“Man, we should come back and play these games again,” Susie says, arms behind her head as she wistfully looks at the doors. “I miss being in a band with you guys!”
“Yes, they were really fun, weren’t they?” Ralse says, almost wistfully. “I hope Mr Tenna can add the Susiezilla game soon! That one was my favourite!”
“Hell yeah, mine too!” Susie grins.
You think you enjoyed the live rock show most, though the song Tenna made you play also left you feeling empty inside. You try not to think about it, but the tune keeps you up at night sometimes. You make a note to resist humming it around Noelle. It would only upset her and not in a fun prank way.
Counterpoint to your sad thoughts: we looked great in those boots, the heart says.
Hell yeah, you did.
You reach Mike’s door and think about knocking; last time you were here, you almost got smothered by cats. Which was weird, thinking about it, seeing as there’s only one Cat Mike, but you suppose you have to let it go. There’s no point getting stuck on weird crap that happens to you; plus, in the grand scheme of things, getting overrun with cats is the least of your problems.
Some people would die for the chance to be smothered by cats, so get that privilege in check, the heart says snootily. You roll your eyes and open the door.
Inside the room, you find Tenna chatting away with Small Mike. You don’t know where Cat Mike and Cowboy Hate Mike are, but you suppose they’re still keeping the charade up of there being only one Mike. You wonder if anyone has found the massive microphone hiding in the studios. Let’s keep that a secret; who knows what would happen if Mike’s identity got leaked out, the heart says. For once, you think it has a good point.
Perhaps it does deserve a toy in its birdcage, as a treat.
Heck yeah!
“Oh, my favourite viewers!” Tenna says, noticing you all with a bright grin. “So great to see you at my new studios! Looks great, right?”
“Hello, Mr Tenna,” Ralsei greets, giving him a wave. “We just have a few questions to ask, if you don’t mind?”
“Oh, Ralsei, you and your endless questions! An inquisitive mind is so important to the growth of a child,” Tenna says, and you think you hear just a hint of exasperation in his voice. “Just give me a second, I’ve got a very important proposition for our good friend Mike, here!” You see Small Mike shrink as Tenna gestures to him grandly.
“Which is…?” Small Mike asks hesitantly, almost curling inwardly.
“I want to offer you the role of Lead Producer!” Tenna declares, throwing his arms out with pride thick in his voice. You wonder if he’s trying to compensate for how crappy he was in his world. We would call this ‘character development’ where I’m from, the heart says, which actually piques your curiosity. The heart has never told you much about its life before meeting you. You inwardly prod at it. Ironically, it remains silent; pfft, of course it does when you actually want to talk to it.
“You— Are you sure?” Small Mike stammers, shaking slightly. “I’m not— I’ve never produced anything in my life!”
“True,” Tenna agrees, but his smile is soft and his tone is light. “But you are very organised and you have helped produce one of the biggest things in my life — me!” Tenna points to himself, pride rolling off him in waves. It ruins what could have been quite a sweet moment, you think.
Bless his narcissistic, adorable, self-absorbed self, the heart sighs.
“What,” Small Mike utters flatly.
“Yes! And so, this is why I want to offer the position to you, Mike!” Tenna repeats, his smile growing even brighter than you thought possible.
“R-Really?” Small Mike asks, his small voice growing in confidence.
“Yes!” Tenna repeats.
“I— I— oh, man,” Small Mike sighs, fiddling with his suit. You think you see sweat glistening through the costume. “Listen, I need to be honest with you about something.”
“Oh, don’t worry about uniforms, I’ll sort that out!” Tenna waves him off.
“No, I’m—”
“I’ll sort out the scripts too!”
“I’m trying to say—”
“And the lighting! I’m thinking a soft yellow…”
“Tenna—”
“Ooh! Sound effects, I’ll get on that too!”
“Tenna—”
“Hmm, maybe I should—”
“TENNA, I’M NOT MIKE!” Small Mike— uh, Battatt shouts. He also tears the mask off and throws it to the ground, revealing his very stressed expression. He looks exhausted and sweaty, but under that, you think he looks scared, too. Tenna’s frozen, shocked by the outburst. You hear Ralsei and Susie shift slightly behind you; you’re all waiting with bated breath for Tenna’s reaction, because honestly, he is the most unpredictable Darkner you’ve encountered.
Really? I’d put him in the Top Five, at most, the heart says, certainly not a Top Three contender, at least.
After several beats of tense silence, Tenna finally unfreezes from his stunned stance and slumps over.
“Ah, I– I know,” Tenna admits, shrinking with his antenna drooping over his screen.
There’s another tense beat of silence, and honestly, you feel pretty annoyed now.
“You— YOU KNOW?” Battat shrieks hysterically, grasping his head. “D-Do you know about the other two as well?”
“Yes, I’m sorry,” Tenna says, shrinking further. “I just— you took care of me so nicely and I really appreciated it, and you seemed to enjoy it!” He shrinks a bit more before he glances up pleadingly. “And yeah, I should’ve been nicer to you, which is what I’m trying to do now!”
Holy heck, I didn’t think he could get soggier and sadder!
“You mean I dressed up like this for nothing? This whole time?? For nothing???” Battat demands, and yep, he’s definitely on the edge of a mental breakdown. You feel like throwing Ralsei at him, just to help him calm down. One look at Susie tells you she fully supports this idea.
“I’m sorry.”
“Tenna, you—” Battat begins, but he doesn’t get to finish.
There’s a faint rumbling noise which grows louder by the second; you wrinkle your nose as you try to find the source. A glance at Ralsei’s expression tells you that it isn’t a massive threat to Castle Town overall but a threatening presence nonetheless.
Well, shit, you should’ve really just let me tell you earlier. Now you’ve done it, the heart bemoans, and you feel it curl inwardly in your chest. You want to summon your blade, but there’s a presence stopping you, keeping your arm stiff by your side. It can’t control Ralsei, whose hands are glowing green, and it certainly can’t control Susie, who summons her axe.
The noise reaches a point where the building begins to shake, and faintly, you can hear terrified screams of the denizens outside.
You brace yourself for whatever is coming—
“Not again!” Tenna snaps irritably.
—and you flinch when the wall behind Tenna bursts open in a flurry of brick and tile.
“What the hell?” Susie splutters when a cloud of dust billows into the room.
A dark silhouette emerges; a very familiar dark silhouette.
“What did I tell you about bothering me at work?” Tenna says, scolding the newcomer with folded arms and an irritable tap of his foot. “I said I would be home soon!”
The dust settles, and you're surprised to see a cackling Spamton NEO enter the studio via a Spamton NEO-shaped hole in the wall. You haven’t seen him since you sliced his last green string, only to watch him disappear through the sky with a delighted cackle. He promised you would see him again, but you never thought it would be like this.
Damn, he could’ve come in big for that freaking Titan, the heart complains, before it snorts, get it, come in BIG? Do you get it, Kris? Kris, do you get it? You stay silent, just to be petty.
“Spamton?” Susie and Ralsei ask in unison, their voices mingling in tones of shock and disbelief. “You’re the cryptid?”
“EAHAHAHA! [[H3!!]] YEAH! IN THE [[Best value]] [[Chassis]]!” Spamton declares, eyes glowing above a wide grin as he flutters his colourful wings. He then turns to Tenna, and impossibly, you think you see his grin grow wider. “HEY THERE [[Hot deal]], HOW’S MY [[Widescreen]]?”
Susie and Ralsei’s weapons disappear when you all collectively watch Tenna’s antennas curl into a heart; then he shakes his screen, and they go back to sticking up straight. You wonder why Tenna wouldn't just tell you that Spamton was the cryptid; then you wonder if he's just a bit embarrassed that Spamton stalks him everywhere. You would be, after all.
“Don’t you try sweet-talking me, you scene-stealing winged rat! You’re supposed to be at home right now with our daughter,” Tenna lectures, and he’s even wagging a finger at Spamton, too. You know they used to know each other, but never would you have anticipated this to be their relationship.
Skill issue, the heart snorts.
“SHE’S [[Fined]]! I LEFT [[Sweet pipis]] [[Marked down]] IN HER INCUBATOR.”
“But you left her alone?”
"NAH, [[Teardrop]] IS PIPIS-SITTING."
You try to imagine Lancer as a babysitter. You instantly cringe at the mental images; damn, you really hope he doesn’t try to eat the pipis, because you're not sure if you can defend him against Tenna and Spamton NEO.
"You left our child alone with another child?"
“[[Cut, copy, paste]] THIS [[Data exchange rates]], WHY THE HECK ARE YOU [[Signing the dotted line]] WITH [[Not MIKE]]?”
“Wha— were you listening to us?” Tenna asks, clearly appalled.
“[[Affirmative]],” Spamton glitches gleefully before he turns to look at Battat with a glint in his glasses, colourful wings raised high. “NOW [[Not MIKE]], YOU BETTER BE NICE TO [[Silver screen fox]] BECAUSE HE’S OFFERING YOU [[Specil limited deals]] [[Not found anywhere else]]! YOU [[Wasted opportunity]] AND I WILL WASTE YOU!”
“Spamton!” Tenna growls, his snarl revealing a hint of fang. “Stop threatening Mik— ah, Battat!” He faces Battat, his snarl melting to a bashful grin. “Battat, take the rest of the day off, we’ll continue this later.”
Battat looks at Tenna. He looks at Spamton.
He looks at you.
You gesture to the door with a jab of your thumb, and he seems to deflate with relief.
“Gladly!” he says, scarpering out with his mask tucked tight under his arm. You hear him muttering about needing several raises before coming back to work, and heck yeah, you fully endorse that kinda message.
I kinda want Spamton NEO to waste me— huh, who said that?!
You really, really hate the heart.
“So, you’re the one scaring everyone in town!” Susie says, before she glares at him and holds out her hands expectantly. “You said you’d give us free Kromer and unlimited pipis if we freed you.” She gestures with her fingers pointedly. “Cough up, we’ve been waiting!”
Spamton turns to her, and Tenna instantly tenses up. You know he’ll probably punt Spamton into the endless void if he tries to hurt any of you. You also know it’ll be pointless, considering Spamton has wings now. You still kinda want to see it happen.
For like, science and shit.
“EAHAHAHA!” he laughs, and you recognise it as the one which freaked out the Addisons. “THOSE WERE [[Limited edition]] KIDDO. YOU CAN [[Accept friendship request]] INSTEAD!”
“I can’t eat friendship,” Susie scowls.
Skill issue, the heart says again.
“[[Error 404: Skill not found]]!” Spamton snorts.
LMAO! That’s what I said, the heart crows victoriously.
“Well, the best way of developing a skill,” Susie begins, ducking her head so only her piercing eyes shine through her thick hair. “Lots of practice!” Then she bites the air with a viscous snap of fanged teeth.
“GOOD LUCK [[Processing]] THIS!” Spamton says, holding up a certain middle finger.
Tenna shrieks and yanks Spamton’s arm down, his screen snapping around nervously.
“You can’t do that! This is family-friendly entertainment! What would the censors think?” he babbles.
“I THINK THEY DON’T [[Insufficient user]] HERE. YOU CAN SAY [[$$%££$$]],” Spamton grins.
“I can’t!” Tenna says, a hint of a pout on his face.
“Oh, he thinks he can’t say $$%££$$?” Susie asks, looking very delighted with the conversation.
“YEAH, HE WON’T SAY [[$$%££$$]],” Spamton says.
“Man, it’s okay, you can say $$%££$$.”
“SEE, LISTEN TO THE [[Junior models in progress]]. SAY [[$$%££$$]].”
Hell yeah, let Tenna say $$%££$$, the heart joins in, unheard.
“I am not saying $$%££$$!” Tenna says, before he gasps and slaps his hands to his mouth.
“Nice.”
“NICE.”
Nice!
You nod approvingly.
“Oh, for $$%££$$’s sake,” Tenna mutters, kicking at the ground. “You’ve made me a bad influence now. In front of the kids, too.”
“CUTE THAT YOU THINK YOU WEREN’T ALREADY A [[Corrupting behavioural disruptor]]!” Spamton says, before he saunters over to Tenna; his heels clacking loudly against the floor. “DON’T SULK. YOU KNOW YOU [[Hyperlink blocked]] ME.”
You sense a strange tension building, and it makes you gag slightly. Spamton’s eyes are flashing at Tenna, and you think it’s his version of fluttering his lashes. You don’t think it will affect Tenna, but then you see him melt instantly and sigh dreamily.
“Yeah… I really do,” he murmurs.
LMAO, have fun explaining this to your evil friend later, the heart snorts, before they continue in a mocking tone, ‘sorry I was late to our nefarious meeting, I had to track down an evil robot god who terrorises anyone who looks at his— well, whatever they are’. You don’t think whatever Spamton and Tenna have can even be defined.
Not in your lifetime, at least.
“I still have work to do,” Tenna says coyly, twisting an antenna around his finger. “Wait for me at home?”
“YOU PROMISED [[Top-rated promotions]] FOR [[Your favourite#1997]],” Spamton says, his voice drawn out in a whine almost.
“And you will get it, after you make sure our daughter is fine,” Tenna says, his smile growing sharper.
Spamton’s eyes glow, but after a moment, he nods reluctantly.
You think you hear the heart make a whip-cracking noise.
Tenna’s smile grows softer as he drifts closer to Spamton, his screen gently butting against Spamton’s face. Their noses slowly entwine as little sparks of electricity dance around them.
Oh man, and I thought walking in on your mom and Sans was weird. You hate to admit it, but the heart was right. Damn, now you just gotta walk in on Asgore hooking up with someone and you have the whole trifecta of parental figures being cringe. You baulk at the mental image and take back your earlier offer of giving the heart a toy for the cage. Oh, oh wait, my bad, I’m sorry— you thump your chest subtly and cough.
“Okay,” Ralsei utters weakly, eyes wide with shock.
And really, that’s all anyone can say on the matter.
You turn to Susie and tug on her sleeve; you have seen, and heard, enough.
“Susie, let’s go,” you say, a thread of desperation lining your words.
She doesn’t question you; she nods easily and drags you out of the studio via the Spamton NEO-shaped hole.
“Kris, let’s never talk about any of this again,” she says.
You couldn’t agree more.
Later that evening, Tenna slips away from the studio to his private castle suite.
He’s exhausted after having to explain to Mike— ah, Battat, what Spamton was and why he was here. He’s also pleasantly surprised that Battat, Jongler and Pluey all happily accepted their new roles at his studio, though they were quick to inform him that they had unionised and so expected a raise and proper breaks during their day. Tenna hadn’t even known his old employees could do that.
With a weary sigh, he enters his room and locks the door behind him. Inside his room is a familiar sight that has been lovingly seared into his phosphor.
His bedsheets have already been gathered up into a nest, and in the centre is Spamton. His wings are curled around their pipis, his eyes scanning her carefully as he checks her over for cracks and breaks. He’s taken the role of main caretaker very seriously; Tenna refuses to acknowledge what it does to his cathode, seeing Spamton so… affectionate.
“So, you’re still scaring everyone,” he says in place of a greeting.
“[[Achievement unlocked]]!”
“You also scared the children,” Tenna says firmly, hands on his hips.
“[[Two for the price of one]]!” Spamton glitches back happily.
“Don’t play cute with me! That’s a role you can’t pull off,” Tenna says, moving towards the bed as he shucks his jacket off. “Keep this up, and I will take back your custody rights, and you won’t get a slot on the show.”
He places his jacket on the bed and grins when Spamton glares up at him.
“YOU WOULDN’T [[Truth or dare]]?” he says, baring his teeth as he flaps his wings warningly.
“Try me,” Tenna snorts, folding his arms.
There’s a beat of silence.
Then there’s a crackle of power from above him. Tenna glances up to see thin lines of green string slowly descend from the ceiling, appearing from dark voids which blossom above. He furrows his brow, and then a sudden gasp of shock erupts from his throat when they suddenly wrap around his arms and hold them aloft. He struggles against them fruitlessly and then turns to glare at Spamton.
“Really? In front of our daughter?” he asks, his screen heating up with a pink hue.
Spamton cocks his head, visibly considering his words, as he wraps a blanket around her and then tucks her back into the incubator Queen had ordered for them. It’s state-of-the-art, and she’s assured them that it’s the safest incubator on the market. She also assured them that they owe her exactly five favours each, or she’ll tell everyone just how truly ‘cringe’ they both are.
Tenna has a sneaking suspicion that after today, they no longer have to worry about her threat.
“SLEEP TIGHT, [[Oh, my darling]] DADDY HAS TO [[Negotiate a deal]] WITH MAMA,” he says, leaving the bed to prowl towards Tenna.
“Mama?” Tenna repeats, aghast. “I think you’ll find I’m the father here!”
“OH YEAH? YOU WANT TO [[Fornicate]] FOR IT?”
Tenna purses his lips and tests his bonds once more; they wind tighter around his arms, and something exciting sizzles around his circuits.
“Only if you’re prepared to lose this physical challenge!” he says, grinning with a mouthful of fangs. His antenna sparks dangerously when Spamton wraps an arm around Tenna’s waist and pulls him close against his body. There’s something absolutely T-ranked delightful about feeling Spamton NEO’s body up close, thrumming with unlimited power and all of it beating for Tenna.
“[[Challenge accepted]],” Spamton replies, his eyes glowing as his wings flare high.
In the distance, Tenna thinks he can hear the familiar melody of intense piano and wild guitar, and his grin grows wider.