Chapter Text
There was a moment, a small moment where he allowed himself to think it. Before all of this. Before his son walked out of his house with his parents. Before Buck had given him a look that told him everything he needed to know. Before he met Kim.
Before he ruined it all.
It was sometime after Shannon had passed. Some time after the tsunami and the start of the lawsuit issue, when he felt he had failed both his son and his best friend.
It was during a fight. He had a bad day, he had a lot during that time but that day was probably the worst. Buck had come back to work, but Eddie still wasn't able to say anything to him. Chris still had nightmares and Eddie couldn't do a damn thing.
Eddie had almost died during that fight. Only because he was allowing it. Each hit felt freeing. At some point he stopped defeating himself and prayed for the final hit that would end him.
It was a small moment, and only lasted a second.
Eddie had no plan. No will set up. He had nothing, and he couldn't do that to Chris, so he fought back enough, and almost killed the guy.
It was a bad day.
He got to busy after that to focus on that thought.
Chris got better.
Buck and him talked and everything was ok.
Until it wasn't.
Eddie sat alone in his house, after everyone had left. He had to beg Buck to go home, claiming they both needed sleep, to be ready for their next shift.
Eddie just wanted to be alone. To think about everything he ruined once again.
Today was April 19, the day that Eddie Diaz made a plan.
He scratched at his thighs until he knew they were bleeding, wanting so badly to feel something.
He started to laugh when he looked down at his bloody nails and scarred thighs.
Today was April 19.
But soon it will be May 3.
Eddie picked that date, to be his last day alive.