Chapter Text
With the conversions had. People happy enough to have been heard and comfortable with what other information will be shared later. If needed. Movie night starts.
The movie barely goes on for five minutes before it’s completely forgotten and they just talk. Nothing serious. Nothing about the worries and changes that this whole year brought. Nothing about their parents not being there and never being there again.
They just talk.
Memories from the past that Eddie shares with his sisters. Even ones they can’t quite place but he still thinks about like it happened yesterday. Memories of Chris was he was just a small baby but was able to bring so much joy to whoever held him. Talked about how it never changed even as he aged.
Buck talked about his childhood. The good bits, no one questions why it’s only with Maddie. But because life is not always fair, everyone in the room understands why.
As the credits play, Chris fast asleep and his sisters close to being the same. No one moves. No one really wants to.
They hold onto this moment for as long as possible. To carve it into their minds so one day in the future, this night will be a memory to share.
Adrianna is the next to fall asleep. Sophia just smiles.
Eddie thinks about resting his head on Bucks shoulder, until his phones rings.
Buck grabs it first. Then after looking at the name hands it to him. “It’s Pepa”
Eddie feels a bit panicky. It’s almost ten and his aunt is calling him.
He excuses himself.
Goes to his room and leaves the door cracked as he answers the call.
“Hey. Everything ok?” He asks immediately. His aunt laughs. “Yes. I’m sorry I just needed to talk to you. I talked to your sisters today and well I didn’t want to wait until tomorrow”
He calms down a bit. “Ok?”
“You know I love you. Right?”
He laughs. “Yes. Tia Pepa. I know you love me.”
“Don’t laugh at me. This is serious” it sounds like she’s trying not to laugh herself but he still says ok.
“Well I’m still gonna say it again. I love you. So much. And I’m grateful for you. Everyday. The fact that I can hug you and see you and hear you tell me everything about your life brings me so much joy. How I get to see you raise that perfect boy is amazing. The lovely people you introduced me to. You can tell him cause I’m not afraid to admit it but our Evan is my favorite”
His hearts picks up at our.
“I think I have to agree with you” he says anyway.
“I love you Edmundo. And I’m sorry”
No. No he can’t has everyone apologizing to him. He can’t let them all keep thinking this is on them.
He put the knife in his wrist.
He picked a date.
“Pepa. You don’t…” “Don’t tell me what I can’t say. Not about this. I do need to apologize because I did not see it. I was right here and I didn’t see it”
He closes his eyes. Takes a deep breath. Opens them to let the tears fall.
“I didn’t want you too. I didn’t want anyone too”
And it’s true. At that time he didn’t want help. So he didn’t try to get it.
“I know. But I should’ve seen your hurt. And not just now. I should’ve seen it when you were younger. Should’ve said something to your stupid parents to get you the help you deserved earlier. So you didn’t feel like this alone.”
Not ever feel like this. But not be alone with it.
“I was never mad at you. Never upset with you. But I forgive you anyways”
“Thank you. My sweet boy”
He has to hold his breath at being called that.
“I need you to know. Because I need you to really truly know what your worth is to me. I have cut contact with your parents”
“Pepa. That’s your brother”
His experience with his parents is his. Everyone might not have the best either but he would never ask them to completely cut contact with them. Not for him.
“And you are my boy” she says. “You are mine. From the second you were born. You are worth more then that relationship with my brother. You are the person I want in my life.”
“I wouldn’t cut contact with you if you kept talking to him” he says. And he means it. He can still avoid them even with other talking to them. It would be easy. “I’d be happy with you in my life still. No matter what”
“That wouldn’t be picking you. And I need to pick you. You came from such hurtful and broken people to become this amazing caring man. And I’m thankful everyday for that. So I’m picking you. I don’t need them in my life. I’m not losing anything. Honestly”
He hates how guilty he feels about this.
“Pepa. I’m sorry”
“Nothing and I mean nothing to apologize for. It’s their loss. My heart has always had room for you. And as long as you are comfortable and ok with it. You can be mine. My boy. My child”
He doesn’t say anything.
Just cries.
She cries too.
“You have always been mine but now you can be more aware of it. And that comes with a lot of responsibility. Weekly visits, lots of phone calls. And I absolutely need my Chris time. Just to make sure you and your Even get your breaks. It won’t be easy being my kid but I’m here. Open arms. No take backs either.” She laughs. He can tell she’s still crying and can hear the worry in her voice. Like she feels like she went to far too fast.
He takes minute. Has to, needs to stop the crying a bit. “Please” he whispers. “Please” he says again just because.
He thinks she takes a minute to wipe her eyes and maybe to really believe that he’s saying yes.
“Ok. Good. Be prepared for a lot. I’ve been told I’m crazy.” She chuckles. “I’m here too. When you need me for when you still hurt. On the bad and good days. Even if you don’t want to talk. I’m good at sitting in silence. Until your ready to talk. Or even if you never are. I can just be good company.” She offers.
“Ok” he says. He coughs and repeats it again.
“I love you” she says.
“I love you too” he says immediately.
It’s quiet for a moment. Until he remembers.
“Sunday is our family dinner. With everyone at the 118 and Sophia and Adrianna are going. Can….” He wipes his eyes. “You can go right?”
“Of course. Thank you Eddie. “
He doesn’t say thank you back. But he does say I love you again.
“Well. This old lady needs to sleep. And so do you. Call me tomorrow. Give me some information on what to bring?”
“Yeah. I can do that” he says.
“Goodnight Eddie. Give Chris and Evan my love”
He says I will.
They both say goodnight again.
Pepa is the one who is able to hang up.
Eddie sits on his bed. Sets his phone door.
Answers ok when Buck knocks on the door.
He walks in and closes the door.
“Hey. Everyone is out. I put Chris in his room and your sisters look comfortable at least. Everything ok with Pepa?”
Eddie nods. “She’s coming on Sunday”
“Good. It’ll be nice to see her like always”
“She cut contact with my parents. So did my sisters” he says. Buck waits. “I did this. I made them choose”
Buck shakes his head. Kneels by Eddie. “Eds there was never a choice. It was always gonna be you. I promise”
Eddie shrugs. “I can’t stop feeling guilty about it. I can’t stop thinking that I ruined something. That because I had a crappy relationship with them I made everyone think they had a crappy one with them too.”
“I know. And I know nothing I say can help those thoughts. But you did nothing wrong here. Your parents are in the wrong. One hundred percent on them. I know this has nothing to do with me. So maybe tomorrow you can talk more about it with your sisters or Pepa. Or even call Frank again. “
Eddie laughs. “He must be so tired of me”
Buck shrugs. “We can keep testing that out”
Eddie grabs Bucks hand. “Ok. Stay please”
Buck nods and stands up. Eddie does too.
Still holding hands. Still looking at one another. Eddie thinks about leaning in. Thinks about trying it again. To show that he wants it. That he is ready to do something about this. That Buck doesn’t have to wait anymore.
But because Buck knows he too well, he’s told no.
“No?” Eddie backs up as much as he can without falling back onto the bed.
Buck shakes his head.
“Please don’t”
Has Eddie really read this wrong for the last year.
“Buck. I know I’m not ok all the time still and I don’t know how long it’s gonna take to be good. But this is ok. I promise. I’m not doing this because I think you’re ready and you wouldn’t wait. I want this. I know I need to go about it better. But I’m so happy with you. And I can’t imagine my days without you. I can’t imagine you not in this room with me. Or this fucking house.” He wants to say more. And again, Buck can tell.
“Eddie-“ “ This is it for me. I promise I’m ready-“
“I’m not” Buck doesn’t shout, but it’s loud to Eddie.
“What?”
Buck moves back. To give himself and Eddie space for this.
“I’m not ready” he gestures between them. “For this to be more. To have a name and be able to do more and move towards more like me permanently living here. Or marriage and everything that comes with this being named. I’m not ready”
Eddie isn’t mad. He just nods. “Ok. Ok. Why?”
Buck shakes his head. “Look I’m sorry. I know I probably led you on and hurt you so much. And I need you to know I want this so fucking much too. I want all that. I want you. And even if I was ready I would wait forever just because it still means you are in my life and the fact that I get to hold you like I’ve been doing is amazing and I feel so unbelievably lucky. And kissing you was the best thing I have ever done. Ok. I actually felt at peace with you kissing me. And I felt complete. Like I know this is it. I know you are it and I know there can never be anyone else because no one else will ever make me feel like you do. But I just can’t right now. Right now. Not a no. Not a never. I just can’t-“
“Right now. Bucks that’s ok” Eddie tries. Buck shakes his head again, and just starts shaking. “No it’s not. It’s not fair. You’re ready. You want this and I can’t give it to you. The one thing I can give you and I’m to fucking chicken shit to give it to you. I’m being a baby”
“No you aren’t. Buck if you aren’t ready. You aren’t ready. I can wait too. For as long as you need because I know you are still here. And you need to know I’m still here too. There isn’t anyone else for me either.” He moves closer. “Just tell me what’s going on in your head. Please. Why not right now?”
Buck backs up more. “No”
Eddie stops moving. Clearly understanding that the other man needs space. That this isn’t a moment where he needs Eddie to hold onto him.
“Ok. Talk to me please” he begs.
“I can’t stop seeing it” Bucks eyes are bright blue. Like that night.
Bucks looking at him like he’s still on the bathroom floor.
“Buck”
“I can’t stop seeing you there. With so much blood. Feeling like I’m too late and that I’m losing you. I fall asleep seeing it and wake up thinking me getting there in time was a dream and you aren’t actually here. How fucked up is that? I’m taking this away from you because I can’t get rid of it”
Eddie stays quiet.
“I want this so bad and I can’t stop the worry and I can’t stop thinking about how much I failed at not seeing you hurting so much. Why can’t I just get this? Why can’t I give this to you?”
“Because you just aren’t ready” Eddie says. “Because you went through something too. And it’s ok. I’m here. To help you. To be with you in whatever way you are comfortable with. Because I….” He stops. Tries to see if Buck will stop him. To see if this isn’t something to say right now.
Buck doesn’t stop him.
“I love you. Buck I love you so much. And it’s like you said. I’m happy with you just being in my life. It will always be enough. Being able to hold you gives me more peace than you will ever know. I’m sorry if I felt like I was rushing you. I just assumed you didn’t know I was ready to try. So I went to it.” He shrugs. “I should have done that differently. I’m sorry”
“It’s ok. I’m sorry to.”
“Don’t be. Nothing wrong with you not being ready. I’m a patient guy.”
“You know right? That I want you. That I love you too and this is something I need. Right?” Buck asks. Eddie nods.
“I know.” He attempts to move closer. When Buck doesn’t panic or move farther away. Eddie hugs him.
Buck holds on tight. Like he needs this to prove Eddie is here. Alive and as ok as he can be.
“Still stay please. If you aren’t comfortable in here we can figure something else out. But don’t leave” Eddie begs.
“You couldn’t get me to leave even if you didn’t want me here Eddie. Don’t think I’ll sleep tonight if I’m not by you”
They let go of each other.
“Not right now” Eddie says.
Buck nods. “But not a no”
They stand away from each other long enough to get ready for bed. Buck having left a drawer full of his own clothes just for nights like these.
Eddie is the first to get into bed. The second Buck gets comfortable he moves closers and they just hold onto each other.
“Talk to someone. Please. About that night. About everything after if you need to” Eddie says. “I hate how I didn’t pay attention to your hurt”
“I wanted you to focus on you. I needed you too”
“I am. I promise. But I need you to focus on you too. I need you to talk to someone. And talk to me when you feel like you are ok with it. I want to help you too Buck.”
Buck agrees. Promises to make his own appointments with a therapist starting tomorrow.
“I love you Buck”
Eddie falls asleep to Buck voice on repeat. Saying the same thing.
“I love you too”