Work Text:
I want to be someone like you
I want to be someone that feels very “me”
If I want to, I can just go and do it,
But then would that really be me?
--
Would it be strange to look up to a younger sibling? That’s now how hierarchy works, after all. But when Ichimatsu Matsuno deems himself as such a waste of space, even the lowest of scum could glimmer brighter than him in comparison. As he hides in the small space behind cluttered boxes and the rolled up futon in the closet, he can’t help but wonder when Jyushimatsu, his younger brother, will find him. No, he didn’t mention he was hiding and no, Jyushimatsu probably wasn’t even home, but somehow he always found him.
If there was anything that Jyushimatsu truly knew, it was how to be the morale booster of the family. At least Ichimatsu took the time to see the hurt inside those widened eyes, that open-mouthed smile, and no one could forget how much Jyushimatsu broke down after losing that girl… But Ichimatsu was different. A polar opposite of his younger brother, he always wallowed in self-pity and depreciation. How could he find a job like Choromatsu insisted when he barely wants to live to see the next morning? Jyushimatsu had a chance, if he could control his overabundance of joy.
If anything, Ichimatsu was more than envious of his younger sibling. He could act serious, as well as keep his true emotions hidden under the charade of happiness… So much so Ichimatsu could never tell when he was truly happy or not.
“It would be so much easier to live a life like Jyushimatsu’s.” Ichimatsu concludes internally with a timid nod.
But wouldn’t Jyushimatsu have to be the new Ichimatsu, a simple trade of characteristics and attitude? He would never wish that pain onto any other person, not even Karamatsu. He knows how much of a loser he is, the lowest of brothers, the bearer of despair. Jyushimatsu should really stay away from him. That precious light will get tainted by the darkest of souls.
--
One child’s-play dream
The way I am, someone like me is better off dead
--
Ichimatsu sighs, resting his head against the backwall of the tightened space. Perhaps if he wishes hard enough, it would just swallow him whole. Quintuplets would be easier to manage after all, with how much of a burden he is. True, he doesn’t have the energy to do anything about this himself, but not existing, he thought, is more of a blessing than a curse. He tries his best to not let that on, ignoring any sort of worried glance tossed his way during meals or while walking through the town. True, he doesn’t take any better care of himself to at least try to lower their suspicions and prying eyes, but why bother? A switch of any sort would send even more of a warning out to his brothers, especially Karamatsu. The bastard just doesn’t know when to quit when it comes to worrying. Choromatsu calls you “tsundere” behind your back because of how many punches and blows you inflict on your older brother. He thinks it’s the only way you can show that you respect Karamatsu’s worry. Choromatsu’s not as logical as he thinks he is.
Ichimatsu knows they shouldn’t worry in the first place. He has no “plan”, he has no weapons, just himself and his melancholy thoughts. As long as he’s allowed to stay in the care of his family, he doesn’t need anyone else. Though he’d never openly admit it, he knows the outside world would just lead to his demise. He could never make it out there on his own, and hopefully at least one of his brothers could get that through their thick skull to finally shut Choromatsu up. If he wants to leave so badly, he could go and get a part-time job like Todomatsu. As long as he knows better than to be all high and mighty about it, that would be absolutely terrible.
--
Where someone like me being alive
Brings sadness to tens of thousands of people
And no one wants me:
I wish that’s the kind of world it was.
--
Would it be all that bad to find a job? To get rid of this abhorrent personality and become a productive member of society? That would break the family apart, but it would be best in the long run, right? Ichimatsu would kill for an answer, staying up throughout the night running scenarios through his head to just try and get further in an imaginary scenario. He doesn’t want a family of his own, no desire to inflict the torture of his past onto any sort of significant other. If he brought a child into the world… He can barely keep himself from trembling in fear at the thought. That would be such a curse on humanity, and he can never convince himself otherwise. The fourth brother is convinced, his existence is simply a blight on humanity. Surrounded by five other plagues, he is and always will be the unredeemable one.
“No one has the guts to say it to my face,” Ichimatsu thinks with a sigh. “But it’s true. It’s always true.”
--
If by just wiping me away,
Hundreds of millions of people rejoiced
And no one held hatred for anything
Then I reject such a happy thing
--
His brothers would be so disappointed if he did it, but it’s not like anyone else would have any clue what type of life he lead. The world would keep turning regardless of his disappearance, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t leave something behind. Jyushimatsu would be so upset. He could barely handle looking at him when he’s not grinning ear to ear and flailing about. Ichimatsu would never forgive himself if he made Jyushimatsu of all people cry. Even if no one else cared, Ichimatsu knew Jyushimatsu would. He always would, and for that, he knew he has some sort of purpose here. Even if his lack of existence on this earth would lead to some sort of absolutely wonderful event, Jyushimatsu would be lost without him. He hopes.
--
Tomorrow, I’ll still tread between reality and dreams
Just like that, I’d love to disappear
--
The only time Ichimatsu can find peace, besides being with his feline friends, is during a deep slumber. Aside from limbs being shoved into his sleeping form and the cacophony of snores and other sleeping sounds, none of his brothers can ever tell what he’s dreaming about. It would be a miracle if he could remember himself, but that minute of bliss between opening his eyes and fully waking up is something he’d happily live over and over again if only to relish in the loss of memories and feelings from times before.
Of course, it’s always prematurely ruined by someone’s loud snore, a certain someone snuggling into his side while they peacefully slumbered, or a chorus of yawns and grumbles on the rare occasions they all rise together. But if not, on those rare days he’s the first awake, he allows himself to float around the line of consciousness with pure bliss… Until that certain someone holds him as if he was a body pillow. Shit…
--
Where someone like me being alive
Doesn’t even register for hundreds of millions of people
And no one wants me:
If that were the world, would that be okay?
--
Day after day, Ichimatsu would fall into this rut of depression, convinced that no one but Jyushimatsu truly cared for him. None of his other brothers were anything spectacular, but Jyushimatsu always took the time to at least check that he was still moving in step with the rest of them. It happened once before, Ichimatsu stopping abruptly as his siblings continued down the street, but Jyushimatsu stopped a few steps later, looking back worriedly, that smile wiped away from his face. Ichimatsu feigned having to tie his shoe, to which the fifth brother grinned and said:
“But Ichimatsu-niisan, you’re wearing sandals!”
If only his hood would cover his entire face to hide the flustered rush of heat to his face. Jyushimatsu walked over to Ichimatsu, the rest still continuing as if they didn’t hear the loudest of the group. He takes his older brothers hands in his own, as best as he can with the warm cotton perpetually covering them, and grins. Ichimatsu looks away, but allows himself to be pulled forward, his hands still trapped in that firm hold.
“I’m not a little kid, you don’t need to hold my hands.” Ichimatsu insists quietly.
“I know, Ichimatsu-niisan. But you’re holding mine.” Jyushimatsu retorts, still keeping a tight grip. “Think of it like that instead, okay?”
--
Even if I were wiped away,
That wouldn’t change some hundred million people
If no one will resent me, then
The result is the same, a loss for me
--
The crick in Ichimatsu’s neck was starting to draw him to the unpleasant idea of coming out from his hiding spot. What time was it? The house was still silent, an extreme rarity, but the probability of crawling out and encountering Choromatsu doing that was entirely high. Or worse, finding Karamatsu giving himself bedroom eyes with his mirror… Ichimatsu would choose starvation over that any day.
Ichimatsu isn’t even sure if that level of torture would be enough to properly align with having to look at the second oldest and his constant adoration for himself. They all look the same, so what if… Oh god, no. Ichimatsu shudders at the thought, absolutely disgusted. Shittymatsu, he’d be better off dead.
… Why does he even hate Karamatsu so much? It definitely doesn’t seem like the same feelings are returned, does Karamatsu even hate him? Dislike him? Ichimatsu sighs. No, Karamatsu loves all of them, despite his awful ways of displaying such affection. No one truly hated each other in the family except Ichimatsu towards him. True, they could dislike Ichimatsu for more reasons than one, but hate was definitely too strong a word. They’ve had conversations about Ichimatsu and his habits before, they do worry… So there would be no reason to worry them further with something as trivial as death.
--
In the end, everyone collapses in the same manner
“My Self” made in others will crumble away
In the end, everyone separates in the same way, but…
--
Besides, death would come soon enough. Choromatsu keeps talking about getting a job and moving out, and there’s no way the rest of the dominoes won’t fall. Ichimatsu doesn’t even bother kidding himself: There’s no way he’d find a job, let alone a place to live that was dirt cheap and actually habitable. The only reason he’s made it this far is because of the others, of being part of the group of NEETs that won’t accomplish anything. Even when trying to see past the reality of it all, Ichimatsu doesn’t have and probably never will have a desire to be any different. What’s set is set: He is simply the fourth brother, the unlucky burden that everyone sees as aloof and mysterious.
It shouldn’t hurt that much if the truth can be that easily reached. He curls further in on himself, knees pushing into his chest as tears fall, dampening the sleeves of his hoodie as he holds himself. It should never hurt to know the truth, but this… There has to be some reason to stay.
“Nii-san!” Jyushimatsu nearly screams, almost ripping the closet door off of its’ sliding track as he lets light from the living room pour in. “Did you not hear me? I found you!”
No, he didn’t hear anything. And no, he definitely wasn’t violently rubbing at his eyes to hide the fact that he was crying.
“Welcome home…” Ichimatsu timidly greets, moving to crawl out from the closet when suddenly Jyushimatsu is by his side. Not given any time to react to this abrupt contact, Jyushimatsu pulls him into a hug.
“I’m home! I’m home!” He eagerly responds, bouncing excitedly and holding Ichimatsu close, the older brother’s head against his chest. “Did you miss me? I missed you, Ichimatsu-niisan!”
--
Just because I’m alive… Why do you smile so much?
If you smile like that…
No matter how sad, how much I want to disappear…
If only all my reasons to say goodbye went away.
--
“You were only gone for a few hours… If you missed me so much, why didn’t you stay home?” Ichimatsu argues. Jyushimatsu pauses, thinking hard about the question.
“Well… Everyone needs their space.” Jyushimatsu concludes with a fervent nod. “But we can spend time together, if you want. Do you?”
“Yeah… I mean, can we?” Ichimatsu requests.
Jyushimatsu tugs him out of the closet with an effortless pull, running to get his shoes back on. “Let’s go, Nii-san!”
--
Even if I were wiped away,
That wouldn’t change some hundred million people
But there’s something preventing me,
And showing me that face, I can’t bear to laugh about it