Chapter Text
Eddie’s plan is officially set in motion, a bloom of happy chemicals explode in his brain. Soon, soon it’ll all be over. Soon, you won’t have to feel like this.
Eddie finally turns and faces Buck, watching his best friends’ face being wretched into pity, disappointment, and is that-is that worry? Is Buck worried about him?
Of course he is, Buck’s Buck. He’ll always worry.
He’ll manage without me.
“You can’t stop me.” Eddie breathes out after a moment of staring into the younger mans’ eyes. Buck’s eyes are vicious waves crashing into the pier, turmoil itching itself into every fiber of his being. Eddie hates how well he can read Buck, he knows how much this will hurt.
“Eddie…” Buck chokes out a broken sigh, “You-you can’t.” Buck’s hand reaches over to Eddie’s, holding the top of his intertwined fingers. “Chris still loves you, he always will. He needs a dad.”
“He’ll have you.”
The ocean in his eyes creates waves circling the drain, creating a tsunami that will undoubtedly extinguish all life on Earth. The deep rooted sadness turn his eyes into the water in the middle of the night, nothing but darkness and the occasional flickering of light from the shore.
The moon comes out from the shadows, illuminating the pitch black water of Buck’s eyes. He stares Eddie down, his voice now calm and collected as he speaks. “I’m scheduling you an emergency session with Frank. You’re going whether you want to or not.” He leaves no space for any doubt, any quick remarks.
“No, I’ve made up my mind, Buck.”
“Everyone who ever tries it, says the same thing. They all regret it once they step off that ledge.”
“I won’t.” Eddie thinks for a moment, would he regret it? Obviously, he has nothing to stay for. Christopher will be taken care of, probably better off than he would with Eddie in the picture. Buck would have Tommy by his side to alleviate the grieving process. Chris and Buck would have each other, and Tommy to help speed the process along. Why would he regret it at all?
“I won’t because I have nothing to stay here for.” Eddie breathes out, cautious, almost careless. “Christopher will be taken care of, by you. You guys can…grieve together or something, I don’t know.” Eddie’s eyes wandered to the cabinets in front of them, resuming his blank, dissociative stare.
“I could never, ever, get over you.” Buck’s hand tightens around the ball of fingers that he holds onto. “Not with Chris with me, not with Tommy. Nobody could ever replace you. ”
A hint of doubt slides into Eddie’s mind. Buck cares, he cares a little too much. He’s clearly just lying to keep Eddie alive, long enough so he doesn’t feel alone. Long enough that his abandonment issues don’t cause any more trouble than they already have.
Buck’s just being selfish, he concludes. He doesn’t want to lose his best friend, not because he can’t stand the thought of being without him, but because he doesn’t want to be left behind again .
And that? That pisses Eddie off more than he’d like to admit. His temper being on a short string lately doesn’t help, but how could Buck be selfish about this? About a decision Eddie has finally made, a decision that finally feels like the sun shining on a cloudy day.
His decision is final, he’s going to kill himself.
“I told you already, you can’t stop me. Everyone will be better off without me.” Eddie’s beginning to feel the rage lift up his chest and into his words. “You’ll be better off without me. So will Chris.” He breathes deeply, trying not to yell at the man who has been through thick and thin by his side. He relents, “You should just go while you can, man, save yourself from me.” Eddie’s eyes wander to his fridge, pictures of Chris and Buck cover it. The Christmas party, a selfie Buck took while Chris was skateboarding, the photobooth from the mall where Chris insisted the three of them cram into.
“No.” Buck’s face turns solid, jaw clenched, tears threaten to spill out. “I will not let you kill yourself because of a bad mistake. I will not let you take away your life because Christopher is acting like a teenager and went to his grandparents. Your life isn’t over because your kid isn’t here, Eds, your life is just…on hold.”
The conviction in his voice almost sounded like he actually wanted Eddie to stay alive for Eddie’s sake. That’s crazy though, Buck doesn’t really care. It’s always been like this with them, they get too close to each other, too codependent. It became too much, obviously, because Buck is definitely not dependent on Eddie. Not in the slightest. He would be a madman to follow Eddie in every action he took, every bad place his mind went, every misguided step on the path of life.
He would be criminally insane.
“Just, promise me something?” Eddie glares through wet eyelashes into Buck’s soul, basically pleading to the man that holds his son's future, “Promise me you’ll keep him safe and happy.” He stares into Buck’s unyielding teary eyes, glancing away quickly before continuing, “He needs a good father, and I-I can’t be there for him.” Catching Buck’s eyes again, “You need to be a better dad than me.”
Both the men breathe heavily into each other’s space, on the too small island in the too small kitchen, the air suffocating them both.
“I can’t.” Buck blinks a stray tear away, “Not without you.”
“You’ll manage, Evan , I know you will.”
“This is sounding too much like a goodbye.” Buck chokes out a sob, “Eddie, just-just let me help you, okay? We can get you help, we can- we can at least try. Don’t you want to try?”
Eddie watches as the emotions fall out of the man before him, the sadness etching away any sunshine he once brought. I should feel guilty about this, I’m hurting him. Eddie thinks, but he simply cannot care. The finality of death seems too freeing to feel any more pain.
Eddie also realizes that Buck will always be Buck, which means he won’t give up without a fight. He’s already wounded him enough by telling him (probably something he shouldn’t have done, he realizes), the only way to release Buck is to hold him tighter, to break away when his walls are down.
“I-I do.” He lies, “Just…not tonight, okay? Don’t start googling emergency therapy.” Eddie’s intertwined hands unlock, and he grabs Buck’s hand without hesitation. Buck’s face still has worry lines, his posture still hunched into himself. A hint of doubt rubs into both Buck and Eddie’s heads.
“We can get through this, Eds,” Buck breathes heavily, letting a small portion of the weight fall off his shoulders, “Together.” His hand tightens within Buck’s.
“And, you know…thank you. I-I didn’t know somebody could care about me as much as you have. You’ve saved me more times than I can count, I just- I hope somebody realizes how much you can love.”
“I’ll always have your back. You’re the- you’re my best friend. And I-I can’t imagine a life without you. Just-just promise me, okay, promise me you’ll try.” Buck pleads, his lips quiver as a silent sob threatens to rip itself out.
“One more time, right?” Buck had muttered that line so many times, Eddie had to use it to reassure Buck. Reassure him that he wasn’t going through with it the second Buck left, reassure him that he wouldn’t leave his teenage son with the man he so intricately placed into their lives.
Buck had told him, after the well, something he used to tell himself when things got hard. Of course, Buck had meant this when physical therapy got a little hard, the weight of the ground had short-circuited a few of his muscles. He would tell Eddie to just try one more time. When he had the panic attacks and finally admitted them to Buck, when he broke down about…everyone he saved. One more time, always on the tip of Buck’s tongue.
“One more time.”