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“A word!”
I grab my foster brother’s arm and pull him to the side, as he strolls out of the door from battle brief. He has question marks in his eyes, and for a second the old guilt rolls over me. This boy is too pure for his own good, and I put him through too much shit.
My shadows suddenly tell me she’s here.
“Taking my bodyguard back, Riorson? How will I ever survive the walk to lunch?”
Her voice does wicked things to me, when it’s snarky like that. There she is, coming through the door, her eyes have chosen a light green shade today, and she looks ready to scratch me. And I’d let her too.
“Didn’t know you’ve gotten so attached to him?” I say and smirk at her. I hope it looks casual and not like a threat, because I can barely contain this damned … annoyance … after seeing the two of them giggle together in class.
“Don’t worry, you’ll have him back before anyone can stab you with a fork. Until then …”
She’s surrounded by her usual little fan club. I point to the most qualified.
“Matthias, you’re temporarily promoted.” Rhiannon would probably be squad leader next year, if Liam wasn’t around. She looks at me, half offended, half scared. Why do I love it when they squirm?
“Is bodyguard really a promotion, though?” she asks.
“When you’re also guarding my life, it sure is.”
Rhiannon swallows and accepts her fate.
Liam lifts his hand and smiles at Violence.
“See you in a bit, Vi.”
She turns around and walks away with the fan club, swinging that perfect ass in my face. But then she turns her head, waves her fingers back at Liam and sneers in a saccharine voice:
“I’ll miss you!”
I school my features in my ‘don’t give a shit-face’ and run a hand through my hair to avoid punching … something.
“What’s up?” Liam whispers. “Are we in trouble at Athbyne?”
Again this stab of guilt. How much can I keep asking of my brother?
“No trouble,” I grumble and throw up a sound shield.
He looks so unbothered, like we’re not in the middle of a war, like we’re not in deep, life threatening shit.
But regardless, he needs to back the fuck off.
“I need you to do me a favor,” I say through clenched teeth. “Don’t fuck her.”
He looks like he has no idea what I’m talking about.
“Who, Sorrengail?”
“No, the other first year chick that you spend every single second next to. Yes, Sorrengail!” I say, trying to keep my voice calm. I don’t think it worked.
A slow, infuriating smirk spreads across his face.
“Why?”
“Because it would distract you from your guard duties. Because it would expose our secrets to Aetos even further. Because when you eventually stop fucking her, she won’t want you to guard her. Because I said so. Need more reasons?”
I force myself to take a breath to calm my pulse that seems to be racing. Why does he look so damn smug?
“And what makes you think any fucking would be happening?”
He folds his arms, waiting for my reasoning.
“I just heard her calling you a ‘shameless flirt’!” I spit out the disgusting words. “I heard Matthias calling her ‘sexually frustrated’. And you certainly sounded ready to help her out! 'Don't mind sleeping in your bedroom', was it?”
The thought makes me ready to puke. I know both of their bodies in detail from hours of sparring. I feel like I know exactly how they would move against each other. My own brother between the sleek, soft lines of her thighs, that I’ve tried so damn hard not to grab on the sparring mat.
“No,” Liam says with a straight face, looking me in my eyes.
“What do you mean ‘no’?” I snarl.
“No. I won’t do you that favor.”
Shadows burst around me, and my vision narrows. Now it’s here again, this skin peeling feeling I had on the flight field after threshing, when Aetos had his mouth on her. I try not to think about all the ways I know I can kill my own brother.
“I don’t do favors for liars,” he says. Then again this stupid fucking grin. “You have to tell me the real reason why you’re asking.”
I grab him by the collar and pull him close.
“Already told you,” I say with lethal quiet.
“For the record, I already know. But you have to say it out loud.”
His smile has turned into that evil smirk, I have only seen on him the few times – very few – when he bested me in training as kids. Of course he knows. He’s maybe the only one left who really, truly knows me. Damn it.
I release him and take a step back.
“Fine. Maybe I want to fuck her myself,” I snarl.
“Nope. Not good enough.”
He tilts his head and looks straight through me. The motherfucker is toying with me, and he’s loving it.
“You have to do better than that,” he continues, “considering how veeeeery fuckable Violet actually …”
Pitch black darkness bursts out in a sphere around me, blocking out all eyes and ears, and I push him to the wall with shadows, pinning him there.
“I’m getting real tired of this conversation. Ready to move on to your weapon of choice, brother?”
Not even a hint of fear in his face. But he drops the grin and gets serious.
“Violet is a genuinely good person, and she deserves someone who’s honest with her.”
Why didn’t he punch me in stead of … this? I can’t say to him, that I think about telling her the truth at least 10 times a day. Weighing the pros and cons. Considering which location would be safe enough, which wards I would need to weave, how we could keep the secrets from Aetos, how I could persuade Bhodi, Garrick and the others, if Imogen should be close by to step in if needed … Which words I should use, when I shatter her trust for good. No matter how it plays out in my head, it never ends well.
“You and I both know I can’t tell her the truth,” I seethe. “About what we’re fighting, her brother, her mother, any of it! Not only for the sake of the cause, but for her own safety!”
“Well, I think you can trust her, and you should tell her! But if you won’t …” There’s no mercy in his bright blue eyes. “At least you can be honest about how you feel.”
My shadows instantly fall away, and so does the anger ringing in my ears. Liam drops to his feet, as I release him. What should I tell my brother? I can’t say, that whenever she runs her ruthless mouth I want to shut it up by kissing her. That I’ve had to adjust my pants an unmentionable amount of times because my gods damned cock won’t stay down, not only when her body comes too close to mine, but when her words let me experience that brilliant mind at work. I certainly can’t say, that when I lost my shit and killed everybody in her room it wasn’t because I saw them as threads against my own life, but hers. In that moment I would have gladly died to save her. I can’t afford feelings like that, too many people depend on me.
I always thought I could talk my way out of any situation. But this I can’t explain.
“I … I don’t know the words, Liam. I have never felt … like this before.”
“Alright. Now we’re being honest.” That’s all he says. Like he didn’t just read me like a book and reduce me to a stammering mess.
“You’re right,” I say quietly and close my eyes. “She does deserve better. That’s why I’ll stay all the fuck away from her.”
I force my back to straighten and turn to leave, but he grabs my arm.
“That’s not what I said. She deserves you being honest with yourself. You deserve that too, by the way. And since you clearly don’t think so ... you also deserve her.”
I stare at my brother. I have no words for that either. The selfless goodness in his eyes that I definitely don’t deserve. I pad his shoulder and nod my head in goodbye. When I walk down the hallway, he yells after me:
“And Xaden, fuck your favor. There was no need to ask me, I would never do that to either of you.”
I make sure my shields are slammed shut and remind myself to stay away from the gym until 8 o’clock. When I know she has left.