Archive of Our Own

Step 1: Find a boy, because it will be a boy (no matter how much you don’t want it to be), that smiles with his whole body. Whose tongue pokes out between perfectly crooked teeth when he laughs too hard. With blue eyes (like the boy before him, but kinder) and shaggy black hair that hangs over the side of his marble-carved face. 

• Dream about running your hands across the planes of his chest.

Step 2: Go through the boy’s entire social media history. Discover that you have a lot in common. You like the same music and video games. You have the same sense of humor.

• Memorize the sound of his laugh through your shitty laptop speakers. Play it back in your ears as you fall asleep.

Step 3: Talk at the boy. Tweet at him. Comment on his videos. Be funny. Be interesting.

• Don’t let him see the tangled mess of wires that make up your being.

Step 4: Repeat step 3 until you get his attention.

• Don’t fuck it up.

Step 5: Thank something, someone, a god you haven’t prayed to in years that he finds you amusing. 

• Know in the back of your mind that he will grow bored of you. 
• Do everything in your power to stop that from happening.

Step 6: Keep it up. Talk to him about your shared interests. Your dreams. You want to be a lawyer. Impress him. Make him think you’re cooler than you are.

• Don’t be weird. 

Step 7: Talk to him every day on Skype, on Twitter, on instant messenger. 

• Don’t let a moment pass where you aren’t thinking of ways to make him smile. Because he smiles with his whole body. 
• It makes you feel warm if you think about it too much. 
• Don’t think about it.

Step 8: (He’s funnier in person. Shy too.) Match his energy. Don’t come on too strong. 

• Don’t say that. 
• Yeah, say that. 
• Say- 
• Don’t look at his lips. 
• Don’t look at his eyes. 
• Don’t look.

Step 9: You have to look at him a little bit, c’mon. 

• No, not his lips. 
• You’re being weird. 
• Stop being weird- 

Kiss him.

Step 10: Apologize for kissing him. 

• You didn’t know what you were thinking; you were being stupid, you—

Step 11: Let him intertwine your fingers. 

• Wonder if he can hear how hard your heart is beating.
• Worry about how sweaty your palms are.
• Drop his hand when you make it back to his place.

Step 12: Breathe deeply and wonder if it always feels like this. If you’re supposed to feel this much.

Step 13: Tell him you l- really like him. Tell him you’ve never felt this way. Tell him this is special. 

• Tell him he can’t tell anyone.

Step 14: Let the night train carry you back to your house with your too-big twin bed and your woefully brown room. 

• Stare at the walls and wish they turned green. 
• Fall asleep with his university hoodie on even though you’ll wake up with pain in your neck. 
• It will be worth it. 

Step 15: When the days between meetings seem insurmountable, make videos. Silly and relatable and poorly edited because he asked you to. He says it makes him happy to see you like that. Performing. He says you light up in front of a camera.

• Don’t tell him that he lights up your life. That’s cheesy and stupid.
• It might make him laugh.

Step 16: Move to Manchester (for school).

Step 17: Get a ride to his flat. Come up with an excuse to be there. Laundry or video games. 

• It doesn’t matter; he smiles the same regardless of the reason.

Step 18: Drop out of university. You hate it. You’re bad at it. 

• Don’t tell him that last part. Make up an excuse. A gap year. Something interesting.
• Ignore the way his eyes linger. The way he sees through you.

Step 19: Keep going. You have an audience now, people to impress. People who swoon and hate you in the same breath. Win their affection. No matter how fickle their love is, no matter how intangible, hold it until your knuckles turn white.

• Keep your love out of your eyes if it's the last thing you do. 

Step 20: Say yes to everything. You don’t know how long this will last. Take advantage; take every opportunity to make something of yourself. 

Step 21: Repeat

Step 22: Repeat

Step 23: Repeat

Step 24: Realize you can’t breathe deeply anymore.

• Try anyway.
• Inhale
• Exhale
• Inhale
• Ex-

Step 25: Tell him you’re sorry. Tell him it’s not him. Tell him-

• Let him cradle the haunted house of your body in his hands. His skin is smooth, his face is wet. Let him tell you he doesn’t want to do it, any of it, if you aren’t happy. Let him tell you that your happiness is the driving force in his life. Your smile-
• Try to listen over the sound of your sobs.
• You can’t hear, but try.

Step 26: Breathe deeply. Remember the way it feels in your chest. Your lungs. You’re untethered now. Free.

• It’s terrifying.
• It’s necessary.

Step 27: Tell them. Only when you’re ready. Tell them about the fear and the shame and the loneliness.

• Blame them. 
• Thank them.

Step 28: When the itch under your skin reaches a fever pitch, let your eyes linger on a blank document. The white of your computer screen is blinding; fill it with text to keep it from stinging. 

Step 29: Say yes. 

• You have no choice now. Your people, the community you made, want you to.
• Try to remember what you want. 

Step 30: Let the ache of disappointment consume you on bad days. 

• Let it fuel you on the good ones.
• Let the gentle press of lips to the top of your head fill you with a warmth you haven’t known since you were 18. 

Step 31: Look out on the sea of faces. The people, your people, that love you, or the idea of you. It doesn’t matter. Find that you can only focus on one. Let yourself look at that face. Older now, with wrinkles and smile lines, free of the pubescent softness you’d known like your own. 

• Trace the lines and the angles with your fingertips behind a black curtain. 
• Tell him you love him.
• Don’t flinch when he says it back.

Step 32: Let him lead. Let him lure you back with promises and words of encouragement. Trust him to take care of you, of both of you.

Step 33: Watch. Sit back, or sit forward if you have to. See again, in numbers, a language you understand, how they care for you. See how they celebrate the person you have become. Let them make you an inspiration. Let them see, without fear or guilt or shame, the tangled mess of wires that make up your being. 

• Let them love you anyway.