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He never meant to use it like this.
Like, really. Honestly. He did this long before the Prefect came into the picture. Before the. . .following and watching and other stuff, he used it to gather dirt. Hot goss, you know, the kind of tea that guys just didn't spill for Cater Diamond, Cay-Cay, Cay-kins, Riddle Rosehearts' loyal lackey. They'd spill it to Dee though. Well, near him. Quiet, tired Dee was always too busy studying the Queen of Hearts' Rules crammed into pages of a notebook to be more notable than the furniture he sat on.
Dee was unobtrusive. Forgettable. Even if he looked like Cay-Cay, he didn't have his energy. No cute sparkle in the eye, no lively grin or a phone as he chased trends and snapped Magicammable pics. There was nothing in him, and that was fine. It made it easier to blend into the background and soak things in.
(He didn't really mean it for gossip either. But something sneaky like that, even if it was cringe, being underhanded is still a better reason than just. . .the other idea. That he did it to get info, that he did it as a prank but no one caught on- any reason's better than if he does it just cause of wanting to do nothing and be nothing and no one for a while-)
The watching was an accident. His eyes just kind of get drawn to them a lot, because they stand out. A Prefect and their fiery kitty with blue flame, magicless kid and their beast. Because he got so used to it, even when Grim isn't around with his eye-catching fire, he ends up looking at the Prefect. It's habit, like that dog experiment.
(Maybe it's envy, why he started looking at them. A magicless, lost kid. There's nowhere to go but up, and nobody cares if they fall down whatever inches they've gained through grit and clawing the cliff.)
So he watches the Prefect because he got used to it. And because he watches, of course he'll notice stuff. His head's got more than trends and good angles, after all. Stuff like how much they try their best at everything, even with the handicap of being from another world. Stuff like how they don't have much money or anything, really.
(Maybe it's their drive that he wants more than their blank slate here in Twisted Wonderland- they try and try and try no matter how hard and it's a little like those motivational vids he usually scrolls past except it's real and there, right in front of his eyes if he just looks.)
The Prefect carries a bag everywhere, because they don't have magic to stow away their belongings. They leave it by the doorway so it doesn't get dirty while they help their buddies with their chores. Understandable, since nobody is stupid enough to steal in a Riddle-ruled Heartslabyul months in or let someone else get away with theft. Or, they leave it on the table to mark a spot in the library or beside them when they nap. Grim usually passes out, if he's there and if he was asked to guard it.
What's another pen or notebook to him? What's a pastry from the cafeteria or a snack from Sam's that he doesn't intend to eat anyway? He gets to take pics of cute stationery and food, and the purchases get to not go to waste. He slips the gifts into their bag or just nearby, and when they see it, small paper bags with no note beyond You look like you needed it or something lame and blunt like that if he wrote anything at all, the Prefect smiles brighter than he ever will for such small things.
Like a million other people who gives donations and gifts and all that stuff to their favorite streamers, content creators, idols, whatevers, what he's doing isn't that odd. It isn't.
Naturally, because he watches them, he follows them to watch them more. He's not breaking any rules. He's still attending class. He's not loitering in the halls. He just watches them in public places anyway, when there's time. It's nothing Riddle could or would collar him for.
Being Dee becomes. . .nice, again, in a way it hasn't been in a while, after the novelty wore off and he wasn't really sure what he was doing it for, if not to eavesdrop. Seeing the Prefect is relaxing. Decompressing. It's not that weird. Riddle calms down and looks happy when he tends to Heartslabyul's hedgehogs. The Prefect is also something small and cute, like a hamster on a wheel, running nowhere, sometimes getting flung off cause it goes too hard but it will just get on again to keep running, keep going.
(Maybe it's not envy. Not anymore. Because if it's envy, then he should have let those underclassmen jump the Prefect for being an annoying know-it-all try-hard in class despite being magicless and nobody but him would know he did nothing. He wouldn't have gotten that worked up as he changed back and scared them off with some spells and a thrashing and some memorably humiliating pics of the defeat for reassurance while the Prefect walked away, busy and trying to do whatever they were doing then. Heading to Heartslabyul probably, to hang out with Ace and Deuce since they didn't have any chores and it was Tuesday.
If it is envy, then envy's a small price to pay to feel how he does when he sees them.)
So he watches them, and follows them, and it's not that weird.
(Maybe he started being Dee to be empty for a while, but when he leaves them something and they leave a sticky note despite them usually being so tidy wherever they go, when he picks it up when they're long gone and nobody's around and it says Thank you with a smiley face and a coffee candy from Sam's, it feels like there's something in his chest and he doesn't mind it at all.)
There's nothing wrong with what he's doing. They both get to feel better from it. The Prefect likes Cater, calls him Cay and smiles and waves. They try to pose when he asks them for selfies, so they don't really care about their pictures being on his phone. Sometimes they notice him with his phone aimed their way when he's snapping a shot of them and their pals after they've made a mess, and they seem to laugh, so they don't care about candids either. They wouldn't mind then, what he's doing-
It's kind of funny.
The one time he isn't trying to watch them, when he's actually busy going through his notes, he bumps into them and he loses his grip on his notebook.
The Prefect falls, because they're smaller, and despite being on the ground, they apologize; and because they're on the ground, they grab the notebook with the Rules of the Queen of Hearts and somewhere between those lines, in those pages, he has their class schedule because it's their friends' schedule but also their routine beyond classes and their favorite snacks and sweets which is less explainable and his blood freezes in his veins-
They hand the notebook to him, apologizing as they look away, face a cute shade of pink. He takes it and they take off.
They didn't even glance at it.
They don't mind then. They don't mind what he's done, that he keeps-
Reason slams into him when he raises a hand to his face, when he realizes how wide he's smiling.
Why would he think they'd be okay with it, when they don't even know what was in the notebook? Why would be fine with him acting like a creep and stalking them? They're glad when they get stuff from him but why wouldn't they when they have nothing? They smile all the time, even when they're troubled, so maybe all those thank-you notes and that candies were just ways to stave off their stalker.
The Prefect is fine with Cay-Cay bright and bubbly, super lively, always grinning and so shallow he can't tell where sincerity begins if it's even there.
They don't even recognize him like this, even with the same face, the same build, when he just ties his hair a little different and loses the pep in his step and lets himself go a bit vibe-wise.
He clutches the stationery enough for it to warp.
He is alone in the hall, and they're not yet that far. He changes back into Cater, hair half-tied and eyes bright and a smile painted on his face. He chases after them. They should be heading back to Ramshackle now. He knows because he knows their schedule and habits but that's- it's-
Hey, he wants to say, raising the notebook, thanks for picking this up! You okay? You look like you were in a hurry.
And then it will click, and then they'll know and because they're smart it will only probably be a matter of time until everything else clicks and then he'll. . .he'll. . .
. . .what if they don't smile? Or if they smile tight and strained, because he's been a creep and they want to be nice to placate him? He doesn't mean anything bad towards them, honest if there's one thing he has to be honest about in his life, but they don't know that and they won't ever know if he doesn't say anything but what if when they do know, they just. . .
His feet stick to the ground. His words stick in his throat.
This isn't normal. This isn't normal.
He has pictures of them they don't know about. He knows more about them than they've ever told him. It's weird, and wrong, and gross, and the worst part is, it's real.
Because he smiled when he got their schedule from their classmates until that wasn't enough. He'd thought about how they'd smile when he got them that paw-print eraser, that almond cookie, those band-aids and mechanical pencils and a little cat charm that they have clipped onto their bag. He kept those stupid candies he'll never eat in a jar and tiled the notes into another notebook and crammed those into a box in a drawer instead of throwing them away.
This isn't cute.
They're a person, not a pet. They're a real person and they didn't ask to be put on some pedestal for parasocial shit from a gloomy, two-faced underhanded upperclassman.
So it's wrong. This is wrong.
He should burn the notebook, the notes, the sweets. He should stop buying them things, stop following them. Just be Cater, cute and charismatic. Just be normal.
. . .his eyes keep wandering though, and so do his feet. It's not his fault, it's become a habit. He just can't break it fast enough before he finds the Prefect at Heartslabyul's library. On Thursdays, they hang out with Ace and Deuce then head here because it's a nicer place to study than in Ramshackle. Their friends are occupied with their scheduled tasks, so they got permission from Riddle to stay here with Grim for an hour or two. They sit by the window, and he sits at a couch in the corner where he's hidden easily enough, if he ducks.
He tries not to watch them, to look at other things instead or the random book he's pulled and let lie splayed on the side table. He doesn't have the notebook, but he's still there, and that's still pretty bad. He gets all those notices and his parents' warnings gainst smoking and vapes now, since he can't seem to kick even this substanceless obsession as fast as he wants.
His eyes skim the same paragraph maybe eighty-two times when he hears footsteps. Their footsteps. They're at the shelf nearby when he raises his head. They try to reach up to return a book, but can't quite reach. They frown as they look for the footstool that a second-year had moved elsewhere while they were reading.
Against his better judgement, he stands and walks over.
"Do you need help?" He asks softly, not looking at them.
Their voice is hushed too, because library, and some terrible part of his brain thinks it's cute and soothing. "Oh. Yeah, this is supposed to go up there, I think?"
The book's pressed into the hand he reaches out. He glances at the cover, the fifth volume of a travelogue about a guy who claimed he came from another world, and the spine matches the gap on the level they were trying to reach. When his inches over them don't work, he uses a bit of magic to slide the book in the rest of the way. He keeps his eyes on the shelf.
"Did you want the sixth one?" he asks, because they still have almost an hour, and he's really gotta trash his memory of their schedule.
"Nah, I think I'm good. Thanks, Cater!"
His fingers dig into the edge of the shelf.
He turns his head, and he must have a weird look on his face, because the Prefect wears an odd one then.
"You uh, you are Cater right?"
". . .yeah," he mutters, a million miles away.
They let out an awkard breath of a laugh as their cheeks flush again as they smile so sweetly. "Oh neat. I thought I messed up for a moment but same eyes and voice and um, didn't really recognize you for a bit . . . cool look though. Well, thanks for the help! See you!"
They wave and he returns it with an unenergetic raised hand. Once they leave with Grim, that hand reaches over his face, covering the stupid way his mouth is twisting, and the other slips to his neck. Well shit, he wasn't just hearing the pounding in his ears for nothing then.
They don't mind him like this, solemn and dull. They don't mind him as Cater, playful and bright. They like his help, how he looks however he looks, they like-
He pulls his hair loose at the end between bookshelves and lets out a shaky breath as he tugs at the strands. Be normal be normal be normal-
He should stop it, really. The following, the watching, the stalking. He will. He will.
. . .they probably won't blame him if it takes a while though right? They know who he is, they'll smile at him regardless of how he shows himself. And they like his help.
If it takes a while to kick his bad habits, it's their fault really, for being so cute.