Work Text:
five
Hey, Maggie. Just – I know you needed space from – from us. I get it. I hope you’re doing better, hope you’re healing and… reconnecting with God and all that shit. I’ve been… well. Guess it doesn’t really – you probably don’t want to know.
D’you think distance actually makes the heart grow fonder? I’m not sure I believe it, though Matty sure does cry a lot now that you’re – but maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m just crap at being a dad. Maybe I don’t know what I’m doing.
Anyway. I didn’t call to – any of that. I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you feel – I know it was the right choice. For you. For us. Just wanted to let you know that I found a rosary in the bedside table. I can bring it to the church if you want it, or – or, I dunno. Give it to Matty when he’s older, I guess. Let me know.
four
Maggie. It’s Jack. I’m sure you’re busy with – well. Whatever it is that keeps you holy folks so busy. But I thought you might wanna know that Matty started walking a week ago and he’s – he's already trying to run. Can you believe that? Keeps bumping into crap, has a goose egg the size of my fist on his head from barreling right into the bed frame. That kid has no fear, I swear to God.
I – I dunno why I’m calling, to be honest. Wish you’d picked up. Wish we could… talk. For real. But I get it. I do. Stings like hell, but I get it. Sometimes I think about what I’ll tell Matt, but… Forget it. We’ll cross that bridge once we get there.
We’re doing okay on our own. Like I said. Walking, running… He laughs a lot, but his sense of humor is much smarter than mine already. Heh. I make funny faces at him and he just gives me this scathing look, the one you used to give when I got on your nerves. We read before bedtime, though, and he goes wild with those funny picture books. Giggles up a storm. Good kid. He’s napping now, or I’d try to make him laugh so you could hear it. You’d – you’d love him.
Do you love him? I try to… I think you do. I believe you do. I have to believe that, to believe that you left out of love and not hate, because I look Matty and – God. Thinking someone could hate this little boy? I don’t know if I could survive that, Mags. I dunno – shit. Matthew! No climbing!
Gotta go, our kid’s trying to ninja flip out of his crib. Jesus Christ on a cracker, are you insane, I’m gonna –
three
Maggie. It’s Jack. Sorry if I sound like shit. It’s been a long week. Matt’s started school, so the schedule has just been… and work just… Babysitters are expensive, you know? Well. I guess you don’t. You probably you don’t need those at St. Agnes with all you nuns taking shifts with the kids. Heard about the great work you’re all doing there. It’s a good organization. It’s… I’ll try to drop off some of Matty’s old things next time I’m in the area, I bet the clothes and shit he’s outgrown could be of good use.
Don’t you think it’s a little fucked up, Mags, that you left our family to go raise other people’s kids?
Forget I said that. It’s not important. You’re… We’re fine, Maggie. You and I are just fine. I wasn’t bein’ fair.
What is important is that our kid is smart. I knew that already, of course, but… smart as a whip, this one. Two weeks in kindergarten, and he’s tryin’ to read! He’s gonna figure it out, too, I give it a month before he’s reading bedtime stories to me. God, he’s growing up so fast. His teacher says he can count to a hundred and spell his name and… I’m just… he blows me away. Asks questions all the time. Very, very into right and wrong right now – pediatrician said that’s normal, but Jesus, he puts the fear of God in me whenever I break a dumb little rule. Reamed me out for jaywalking just this morning when we went to meet with the school. Never shoulda told him about waiting for the little man, gonna make me late for everything now.
And – okay, right, so he caught me the other night with a piece of candy before dinner. Just a little chocolate, nothing crazy. He threw such a fit. Tried to explain that it’s different because I’m an adult and I’m his dad and I bought the damn candy, I can have a piece if I want some before my broccoli, but that just led to another tantrum about fairness.
I’d say he’s all you, but he’s also got a thing for using his fists – that’s why I had to go talk to the school, nothin’ super serious, just some talks about keepin’ your hands to yourself – so I guess I did have something to do with him after all. Principal got a real laugh out of seeing me in my training gear, kneeling down next to Matty and tellin’ him that fists are not the solutions to our problems. Don’t think the kid took me seriously about it, but can hardly blame him when he spends his evenings at Fogwell’s watchin’ me get the crap beaten out of me. Gotta fuck up a kid’s sense of right and wrong, of problem-solving.
Actually. That’s why I called. I know you’re over by Clinton Church these days with St. Agnes and all, and… I dunno. I think Matty could really benefit from some Sunday School, maybe meeting Father Lantom. He’s good with the kids, I hear. Really connects with them. My ma’s on my ass about how I never bring him to church – bad enough he was born out of wedlock, she says, is kind enough not to even mention the whole… you of it. Honestly, I wouldn’t even think of it, of bringing him so close, but… he’s a smart one. And he has questions I can’t answer, big questions, about the world. I think he could do with a moral code better than the one I’ve got. Maybe…
We won’t bother you, of course. Just lemme know if it would be okay.
two
Fuck you. Sometimes I wake up thinkin’ that, Maggie. Just… just… how the fuck could you do this to us? He’s seven – seven – and he’s the best kid I’ve ever met, the best thing that ever happen to me, and you didn’t even want to give him a chance. I’m not – I’m not the best parent, fuck no, I taught him how to stitch me up so we could save on doctor’s bills, and I leave him alone too much, and I drink too much, and – fucking hell, Maggie. It shoulda been you holding up my hand and sewing up my arm, not our seven year old kid.
Shit. I’m sorry. I’m drunk and… that’s… It’s my fault Matty’s had to grow up too fast. Not yours. I shouldn’t be goin’ out and getting my ass kicked, should be doin’ something that makes him proud… but it pays the bills, y’know? You never minded when I came home all banged up anyway.
He asked about you. The other day. Guess that’s why I’m all messed up now. Not you you, of course, he doesn’t… I haven’t told him. I know you didn’t want… But he wanted to know about his mother. Fair enough, I guess. He’s probably been wonderin’ a while, knowing him. He wonders a lot. Gets this cute little screwed up look on his face when he’s been thinking. God. He’s really amazing, Maggie.
I told him you were a wonderful woman and that God had called you away from us too soon. Heh. Not a lie, none of it. Thought it would hurt him less if he thought you were… gone. Gotta be honest, hurts me less to think of you like that too, sometimes.
We oughta tell him someday. We really oughta let him know.
one
Maggie. It’s me, Jack. Callin’ from Metro-General, in case you don’t recognize the number. I dunno if you heard about… well, basically, Matty’s a hero. He, uh, shoved an old man out of the way of a truck, a truck, and – fuck. Shit.
He’s so small, Mags. So, so, so fuckin’ small, all hooked up to these loud machines and covered in bandages. Keeps screaming his head off whenever he’s awake. Thrashing around like he’s possessed. The nurses had to… had to restrain him. Had to tie him to the bed so he wouldn’t hurt himself more.
Fuck.
It’s just… it’s all… he’s never gonna see again. There were these chemicals… got right in his eyes. I tried to… tried to wipe them off, tried to stop it, but… I was too late. I was too late.
Shit. Listen to me blubbering like a fucking idiot here. Matty needs better than this. He needs me to be strong. Needs me to fuckin’… guide him, I guess. The doctors say he’s completely blind. No light perception at all. Optic nerves fuckin’… just burned away. Barely know what that means, to be honest, I never paid much attention in biology class, and they keep tellin’ me things, all this stuff, and I’m not really gettin’ all of it, it’s too much, it’s too –
I haven’t told him yet. That his vision’s gone, forever. Just like you. But he’s smart. He’s gotta know.
You know some social workers, right? With St. Agnes? The hospital said they’re gonna get us set up with someone. Someone to help us fix up our place for him so he can, y’know. Relearn how to walk around. Relearn how to run. He’s gonna run again, I know he will. He’s gotta. And the school – I gotta reach out to the school. They’re gonna teach him how to read again. Jesus Christ, this kid loves to read. He’s gonna go to college if it kills me.
I – shit. Yes, thank you, nurse. I’ll be there in a second. Tell Matt Daddy will be right there.
He’s awake. Calmer now, the nurse said. Probably drugged. Just keep pumping him full of more shit we know nothing about, I guess. Can’t judge. If I didn’t have to hold it together, I’d be more scotch than blood right now.
Hey, listen, Mags, they’re doin’ all sorts of tests and screenings on him, so if you could just, y’know, let me know if there’s any family medical history I should know about? I’ve got it somewhere at home, but gotta be honest, my head’s just not… yeah.
Keep us in your prayers. You’re always in mine.
plus one
Good morning, Sister Maggie. This is Courtney Owens from social services. I apologize for the early hour, but we have… well, we have a child in need. Does St. Agnes have a bed available? He’s a local boy, I believe he already attends Clinton Church. Ten years old. Legally blind. His father was killed a week ago, you may have heard through the congregation. The child has been with an emergency placement, but the foster family is not equipped to handle his disability… or his temperament, to be honest. They’re used to little ones who cry a bit, not preteens who… well, he’s had a bad time of it, is all.
We’ve spent the last few days trying to hunt down relatives. Not much record of his mother – she signed away her parental rights years ago – and there’s no other family to speak of. It’s… it’s a rough situation all around. I think the kid might find comfort in somewhere familiar, and I know you’ve always been good with difficult placements.
Call me back when you get this. The sooner we get Matthew settled in his new home, the better.