Archive of Our Own

With a sigh, Tommy dropped down on his new-old couch. He’d bought the thing off of a coworker’s brother who was moving in with his girlfriend and wanted to get rid of his couch. It was in good condition, and he’d only taken fifty bucks for it, Tommy would have been a fool not to take it.

Looking around his house, most of the things he owned were like that. Thrifted, or taken over from friends and acquaintances. But none of them were broken, and Tommy could fix the wobbly bookshelf in the corner soon enough once he’d really gotten used to this.

This. His house. All his, all alone. Because Lucas was a piece of shit and Tommy was, now that he was finally safe and sound with a proper roof over his head, quickly descending into territory of hating that guy. Worst ex he’d ever had.

Who fucking decided from one day to the next that actually no, he didn’t want a future with Tommy after all. After they had fucking discussed saving up for a house, talked about kids in the future. About engagement and marriage and all that. They’d started getting their ducks in a row. Lucas had said he expected a proposal by Christmas. Tommy had- Tommy had fucking loved the guy.

Only to come home one day with a duffel bag full of his clothes, and Lucas telling him it would be best to move out. That the future he and Tommy had talked about was actually not really something he wanted. He essentially kicked Tommy out, disregarding the fact that he had nowhere to go.

He lived in his car for weeks. Showered at work. Took as many long shifts as legally possible, just so he didn’t have to go home. Not when home was his truck. At the very least he had Sal, who let him store his stuff in his garage, but Sal’s and Gina’s apartment was barely big enough for them and their little daughter, so Tommy didn’t even ask to crash with them. He’d stopped Sal before he could offer.

He had a stroke of luck a little while ago. He’d kept this house in his bookmarks for a while. It wasn’t huge, but it was big enough. Tommy had thought he could convince Lucas to downsize a little from his ideas. The house was charming, older, with dark wooden accents and a big, fenced backyard. It had large windows in the back, leaving potential for natural light in the kitchen and living room. It was in their price range.

And then, as he checked over in a moment of masochistic weakness, he’d been shocked to see that the price had gone down massively. Enough that Tommy could justify buying the house on his own. It seemed too good to be true, so he called to ask what the hell had happened.

As it turned out, the house had belonged to an older couple who had wanted to downsize in age. The husband, however, had died recently, and his widow wanted nothing more than to get out of the house she had shared with her love. She just wanted to wash her hands off it. None of their kids were interested in keeping the house.

She wanted to meet Tommy. See whether she would be willing to sell to him. So, he showed up, had tea with her, and listened to her talk about her beloved Harold and the time they had spent together. How now, it was too painful for her, but she wanted to know that her house was in good hands.

She showed Tommy around. There was a bittersweet atmosphere around the house, love hanging in the air. The very foundation of the place seemed to be love, and for a moment, he didn’t feel like he should be here. But Elisabeth smiled at him and asked questions that Tommy could only give vague answers to – about family, and friends, and significant others.

Somehow, Tommy made a good enough impression. Somehow, despite everything, things went as smoothly as possible. It took another couple of weeks for everything to be straightened out, and for the signature of Elisabeth and Harold to be carried out of the house, but then, Tommy stood in the middle of the mostly empty place, now his.

It took another one and a half weeks to move his stuff from Sal’s to the house, and to get new furniture. For a couple of days now, Tommy was able to come home to a kitchen filled with natural light, a large garage, and a front yard that still needed some work. There was stuff missing from his old home that Lucas had kept because Tommy had a horrible taste in men and this guy had turned out to be the biggest asshole to walk the earth. At least Tommy didn’t have a hard time getting over him.

He was more struggling to get over the life he had planned out, the life he had wanted, the life he didn’t get to have. And he was struggling with the loneliness. Coming home to an empty house, knowing there was no-one waiting for him in the kitchen or the living room, and no-one was coming by later to kiss him hello.

He always felt lonely, even when he was surrounded by friends. That’s just how his life went. And he was tired of it.

That didn’t mean he wanted a new boyfriend – hell no, time to stay away from dating for a while. This whole thing really was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Tommy could only handle being told he wasn’t the forever guy his partners were looking for so many times. He needed to take a step back from dating and work on himself, to maybe find some joy in his life without a partner. Since that was the direction it was headed in.

No, he didn’t want a boyfriend. What he did want, however, was a cat.

That train of thought landed him at an animal shelter a couple weeks later. After he had settled in more, worked out his finances, and bought the stuff in preparation for a new four-legged roommate.

Ever since he was young, Tommy had wanted a cat. He loved cats. There’d been this sweet couple who lived a couple houses down from his childhood home who’d had an elderly, gray tabby cat named Linda who always greeted Tommy when he walked past on his way to school, and would walk with him until he could see the school. When he came home, she would come along to his front door, get a couple of pets, and walk back home.

Tommy wanted to have a cat of his own ever since he was a little boy. His father didn’t like cats. Didn’t like any pets at all, so they never got one. Tommy used to imagine a life where he and his mom were somewhere else, had a life where they didn’t have to walk on eggshells. A life where they could have a cat. And then, his mother left in the middle of the night and Tommy was alone. And dreams of his mom and him being safe with a nice little house with a cat were shattered.

After that came the army. Tommy liked torturing himself by listening to the other guys talk about family, about brothers and sisters and parents and girlfriends, wives, and children, and their pets. Cats and dogs, maybe a lizard or a bird.

Then came the crash, and then came the 118. Tommy took to secretly feeding the stray cats that liked hanging around the station, but he had to stop because Gerrard started spouting out all the ways he’d skin them alive if he ever saw one in the station, and the other guys talked about using them as target practice. Tommy hoped they weren’t too disappointed in him. He hoped they’d find a kinder soul than him to feed them.

He found himself pathetically touched every single time he rescued a cat from a tree or a fire, and felt an even more pathetic pang of regret every time he put them safely in the arms of their owners. Like he wasn’t a shitty enough person already.

In his old apartment, he couldn’t have pets, so the idea only really came up when he moved in with Lucas. Only Lucas didn’t want to get a pet before they had a proper house, and then, he wanted a dog. And Tommy didn’t mind dogs at all, he liked them and he could definitely see himself with a dog, but he wanted a cat more. Lucas didn’t, and Tommy conceded. That’s what you did when you were in love, right?

Look where that ended. On the other hand, Tommy was glad they’d never gotten a pet together. He was pretty sure Lucas would have taken that away from him, too, just like his Muay Thai set up and his favorite bedspread and his good knife and his home.

He didn’t have much motivation to live out his life happily right now, but this was the first step. And if it was partly out of spite because of Lucas, well. They did say spite was a good motivator.

Spite could be good. He’d see that soon enough.

The caretaker who had taken Tommy to show him the cats, a friendly young man named Colin, was listening attentively to what Tommy was looking for. And before he’d been asked, Tommy hadn’t really thought of the specifics of what he wanted. All he wanted was a cat, a little kindred spirit who lived in his house.

“I don’t mind one that’s a bit older,” Tommy said. “I think a kitten’s too much for now. One that would be able to stay alone for a bit, sometimes, and is okay staying inside. And one that would accept other people in the house, sometime.”

“Well, we have a lot of cats to go through,” Colin pointed out with a bright grin. “I’m sure we’ll find something for you.”

If Tommy could, he would take every single cat he saw. There were a couple that he considered taking, even a bonded pair consisting of a black molly and a white tom-cat, but he decided he wanted to see everything. And thank God he did.

As Colin lead Tommy past a couple of cages without slowing down, Tommy asked him why they weren’t stopping to look at these cats.

Colin sighed. “We’re having trouble getting these a home. Well, one of them, mostly. They’re timid and they don’t like people, so it’s not really appealing.”

Tommy shook his head slightly and stopped so he could look at them. And that was when he saw it.

An enormous black cat with huge fluffy paws, a poofy tail, thick fur like a mane around the neck, and feathery tufts on the ears. The cat only had one eye that was staring right at Tommy, the other one was sewn shut after what was probably an injury. The ear on that side was also nicked at the top.

Choco, said the plaque by the enclosure, and Tommy had to force himself not to roll his eyes. Why did shelters come up with the stupidest names? This cat should have a regal name, or something cool.

“Who’re you?” Tommy murmured to the cat, coming closer to the cage.

“I wouldn’t do that,” Colin warned him. “Choco really doesn’t like people.”

“How old is he?” he asked.

Colin looked stunned for a moment, as if he couldn’t believe that Tommy was showing any interest here. “We don’t really know. He was brought in at maybe one, one and a half, when he lost his eye.”

“And how long has he been here?”

“Three years.”

Poor thing. Tommy’s heart broke a little. He looked at Choco, and Choco stared back at him, as if assessing him. Tommy wondered what a cat felt like after being abandoned by family at a shelter, and thought that maybe it felt a little like getting kicked out by someone you loved.  

Tommy assumed that its previous owners gave him up when it got injured. The plaque said Maine Coon, but when Tommy looked at the side profile, there wasn’t the typical sloped bridge of the nose. Instead, it was a straight line, which was more indicative of a Norwegian Forest Cat. Tommy wondered if it was purebred, and someone had given it up after it didn’t look perfect enough anymore.

“I want to see whether this works,” he said, turning to Colin.

“I just told you, he doesn’t like people. Like, seriously doesn’t like them. All he does is hiss and try to claw them up.”

“He’s not hissing right now,” Tommy pointed out, nodding at the cat who was still staring at him.

Colin sighed, but conceded, and brought Tommy to a small room nearby where he could wait. He told him they’d try this out, let Choco meet him.

“But don’t blame me when he tries to separate your skin from your bones,” Colin muttered as he left, and Tommy wrinkled his nose. The guy didn’t seem that friendly anymore.

They brought Choco into the room in a carrier box. Tommy slid down from his chair onto the floor as they let the cat out, but he made no move to come closer and pick him up. Tommy assumed he wouldn’t take kindly to some stranger touching him, and Tommy would probably feel the same if their roles were reversed.

Choco stared at him. Tommy looked back for a moment, then looked away, opting to find something to stare at. He couldn’t really explain why he had been so adamant to meet this particular cat, but something about him spoke to Tommy.

He waited. Sat around, started pulling on a loose threat he found at the bottom of his shirt, and that was going to drive him crazy for the rest of the day until he could find a pair of scissors and take care of it. He’d learned his lesson trying to tear them off, it didn’t work out for him.

He was lost in thought, enough that he startled a little bit when he felt something tickle his lower arm. He looked up, finding Choco standing right next to him, leaning in close to see what he was doing with his hand. Tommy huffed out a laugh and pulled slightly on the string. Choco reached a hesitant paw out to touch it, but he lost interest pretty quickly.

Tommy was surprised when Choco didn’t move away, however, but instead, curled up right next to him, his back touching the side of Tommy’s thigh. He kept looking at Tommy, as if waiting for him to do something, but Tommy didn’t move.

Choco stretched out his neck and nosed against the back of Tommy’s hand lying loosely on his thigh. His whiskers twitched, but he seemed to he fine with what he found. He nudged Tommy’s hand a couple of times, and Tommy dared to lift his pinky finger and stroke it over the back of Choco’s nose.

For a moment, the cat flinched back and stared at Tommy. Tommy really didn’t understand why Colin had told him Choco didn’t like people. He seemed to be okay, he wasn’t showing any obvious signs of stress. Whatever the reason was, Tommy seemed to have caught the cat at a good time.

Choco rolled himself into a ball next to Tommy, and started softly purring. Tommy moved his hand, resting the tip of a finger on a fluffy ear. It twitched for a moment, but Choco didn’t move. He kept lying there, purring.

It solidified Tommy’s decision. He was taking this cat home.

A couple hours later, everything was dealt with. The first thing he did was change the name. There was no way in hell he was continuing to use that name. Instead, he looked at his new little buddy, with his dark fluffy fur and one eye, and decided to call him Odin.

As he entered the house, he thought about how he’d have to look up the care of long-haired cats. He hadn’t really expected that, and he felt like the brush he had wasn’t going to cut it. He took off his shoes, hung up his jacket, and let Odin out of his little carrier.

He watched as Odin took a couple of steps, shook himself, and then turned back around to look at Tommy. They stared at each other for a moment until Odin turned back and started walking, taking slow, almost cautious steps down the hall.

Tommy followed a little behind him, watching him slowly and deliberately walk through every room and examine everything he could find. At closed doors, Odin would sit and look at Tommy expectantly until he opened the door and allowed him to continue his exploration.

At one point, Tommy wondered whether he should just leave Odin to it, but when he didn’t follow him up the stairs, Odin came back down and made a sound for the first time since Tommy had met him, a soft little mewl as if asking what was keeping Tommy.

So, Tommy continued to shadow Odin. It was only after he had taken in every single room that he led the two back downstairs and into the living room, where he curled up on the couch and started cleaning himself. Tommy breathed a sigh of relief. It would be okay.

They took a bit to get used to each other. Tommy had to go work, and he was still trying to work out which food was Odin’s favorite, but it seemed to be working. Odin really didn’t like other people, opting to avoid anyone who entered the house, Tommy found, but he tolerated old Mrs. Manson, Tommy’s neighbor, coming over to fill his bowls when Tommy was on shift.

What Tommy also found was that Odin adored him. When Tommy was home, Odin was nearby. When Tommy moved to a different room, Odin was close behind. Odin greeted him when he came home, and started being a bit more vocal, too. Odin liked hanging out with him, just watching him do whatever he liked – cooking, drawing, working in the garden.

The first time Odin fell asleep on Tommy’s lap, three days after he’d brought him home, there might have been tears in Tommy’s eyes.

Tommy learned to have another living creature in his house, and he quickly realized he loved having a little shadow following him around. He liked lying on the couch and reading a book with his new companion napping right there with him.

He would have allowed Odin into his bedroom, if Odin didn’t start showing the habit of chewing on everything in sight. Tommy didn’t know why he was doing it, but if the look in Odin’s eye told him anything, it was that the little guy wanted attention.

“This is not going to work,” Tommy said one day, tone conversational, as he once again had to stop Odin from eating his shoelaces by holding him in air jail. “Do you know you could die if you try to eat my socks?” He swung Odin back and forth, playfully cooing, “Yes, you, you stupid idiot.” He dropped a kiss on Odin’s forehead. “Love you.”

He found a compromise easily. He spent most of his time out of his bedroom, opting to read in the living room or on the back porch. That way, Odin could spend time with him during the day, and at night, Tommy would go to sleep alone and Odin would curl up in his little cat bed on the window sill in the living room – his favorite spot.

It was actually really nice. Odin would hear when Tommy got up in the morning, and he’d come up the stairs to greet Tommy in the bathroom. If Tommy was in the shower, he’d curl up on the pile of clothes he’d put on the closed lid of the toilet. If Tommy was at the sink, Odin would brush around his legs.

Having Odin did wonders for Tommy. He slept better. He felt more relaxed, he didn’t dread going home to a lonely, empty place anymore. He remembered to eat, because Odin took up to pestering him when he didn’t see Tommy eat something.

Tommy started feeling better about himself. Way better. Good enough, actually, that one afternoon, he marched his ass back to the apartment he’d shared with Lucas. He didn’t really care who could see or hear him when he started knocking a storm on the front door.

When the door opened, it wasn’t Lucas, but some other guy with black spiky hair and a nose ring. He looked at Tommy apprehensively with a raised eyebrow.

“Can I help you?” he asked.

Tommy was stuck for a moment. That was how long it took Lucas to find himself someone new. Tommy had gone and gotten a cat, and Lucas had got himself some new piece of ass. Tommy wasn’t sure whether he should be surprised about that.

“Where’s Lucas?” Tommy asked, and normally, he wouldn’t be this short – actually no, this checked out for him. On the other hand, it wasn’t this guy’s fault that Tommy’s ex was a shithead.

“He’s in the back- why, who are you- hey!”

Tommy ignored him, shouldering past him and into the apartment, noting with a sneer wrinkling his nose that Lucas had really taken no time to change everything and fill the spots Tommy had inhabited with a bunch of kitschy shit.

He used to love the kitsch. He thought it was cute. How things could change.

“What’s going on!?” Lucas’s voice came from the kitchen, and a couple of seconds later, he stood in the doorway, looking like he’d seen a ghost. He caught himself, crossing his arms. “Tommy. What are you doing here?”

There were so many things Tommy wanted to say to him. He wanted to tell him that work was going well and it was. He wanted to tell him about the lovely little house he had now, the nice neighbors, the adorable hummingbirds that came to the feeder Tommy had recently hung up, and about his cat that liked to watch the birds outside.

What he did say, in the end, was, “I want my fucking Muay Thai set up, you dick.”

Lucas was startled by that. So was his new guy, who continued to ask who Tommy was. Tommy stared at Lucas until he moved, and let Tommy in the garage to start packing up the stuff on putting it in the back of his truck. Lucas didn’t tell his guy who Tommy was. They stood down by the garage that Lucas and Tommy had used for workout instead of their cars and watched him make trip after trip to take his stuff.

They didn’t help him. He would have refused Lucas’s help. Asshole would have kept this if Tommy hadn’t come around to demand it back. He might have been planning to throw it out, anyway.

Once he had everything in his truck bed, he turned around to look at Lucas and the other guy. They stood leaning close together, and the guy was talking quietly to Lucas who looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there. It was strange how quickly a face that Tommy thought he could wake up next to every day for the rest of his life could turn into something that he felt sick looking at.

“I’m the ex,” he said, addressing the dark haired man. He nodded at Lucas with a cynical grin and continued, “Good luck with that.”

He left it at that. Tommy wondered if this guy would be enough for Lucas, or if he had to bend himself over backwards for him. Maybe it was a good thing that things ended when they did.

Coming home, Odin awaited him at the door, rising up on his hind legs in a quiet request, and Tommy picked him up with a smile.

“We got a little project,” he told his cat, carrying him to the door leading to the garage. “You can keep me some company.”

And that’s what they did. Tommy started setting everything up, and Odin settled down on a little pillow that Tommy had put on the floor for him, watching him. As he was working, Tommy talked out loud, having stopped feeling weird for talking to his cat like he would with another person. Odin seemed to enjoy Tommy talking at him, anyway.

He talked about plans, about maybe setting up a little workbench, and finally fulfilling his dream of getting his own car lift installed to make fiddling with engines easier. The garage was massive, after all, and he had to find something to fill all this space with.

At one point, when Tommy sat down for a little break, their roles reversed, and he watched Odin walk around and play with the cap of a bottle he found somewhere. He felt at peace, despite having gone to see the man who broke his heart a couple of hours ago. Getting Odin was the best choice he ever made.

Years later, he would think about that day, lying on the couch wrapped in blankets while a romcom played in the background. He wasn’t paying attention to it. He really wasn’t feeling it. Odin was lying spread out on top of him, head nudged under Tommy’s chin, and purring so hard as if that alone could fix Tommy.

Tommy wondered whether Evan- Buck, he was supposed to be Buck now. Whether he would share the same thoughts and feelings as Tommy had back then, and whether any memory he had of Tommy would turn sour and hostile. How things he thought were cute would become things he rolled his eyes at. Whether just the sight of Tommy or the sound of his name would make something visceral come forth.

Selfishly, Tommy hoped that wouldn’t be the case. On the other hand, it would be better for Ev- Buck. He would be able to move on easier, just like Tommy had back then. Despite how much Lucas had meant to him – and Tommy had loved him, he really had – it had become the quickest break-up he’d bounced back from. He hoped Buck would move on quickly, too. He deserved it. He deserved someone real, someone sweet, someone who could match his sunshine. Someone who wasn’t Tommy.

Tommy would have to live with that. Again. At least he still had Odin who was trying his best to comfort Tommy every second they spent together.

At least he still had Odin.

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It was weeks later when it happened. Almost three months since he’d last seen Evan – fucking Buck, he wasn’t supposed to call him Evan anymore – and his heart felt just as raw, and he still felt like burying himself under piles of blankets and not leaving his house if he didn’t have to.

He painted a lot these days. Went to the gym, did stuff around the house, didn’t go out to bars or whatever his friends invited him to. He spent time at home, Odin his only companion, and pretended that it was okay, he’d be okay, he’d move on just fine, and Buck was fine too.

Tommy was just coming home from a shift from hell. Someone out there must have said the q-word, and Tommy wasn’t superstitious, he really wasn’t, but the q-word curse was a real thing. Someone uttered the word, and like sleeper agents, the whole population of Los Angeles decided to do the dumbest shit possible the next 24 hours.

It wasn’t the only thing that went wrong this shift. The warm water ran out in the middle of his shower, one of the probies almost started a fire in the station, one of the helicopters broke – luckily, Tommy realized something was wrong before liftoff, or it would have ended worse – and the coffee shop Tommy frequented didn’t have the triple chocolate muffins Tommy had found could make his gloomy days a little better.

Most of those things wouldn’t bother him on any normal day. But all of them together, on top of how awful he felt for breaking his own heart and leaving Ev- Buck, and not having the guts to apologize to him when that was the least he deserved, it was enough to drive him to almost cry out of frustration. If only his father could see him now.

He unlocked his front door, and leaned back against it once it closed, head tipped back and eyes closed. He was so fucking tired.

Getting out of his jacket to hang it up, he realized something unusual. Normally, Odin would already be here to greet him. It never took him longer than for Tommy to take his shoes off before he was there, rubbing up against his shins.

He frowned, picked up his bag, and left the entrance area. It’d been a long shift, so he’d asked Mrs. Manson to feed Odin. Had he gotten locked into a room again? That had happened once, but Odin had started screaming the minute he noticed Tommy was home to let him out.

“Odin?” he called out, pausing to listen, but there was no sound. Nothing shifted, nothing meowed. Nothing at all.

Tommy tried not to panic. Maybe he was asleep. Never mind the fact that Odin always woke up, he was so tuned in to the sound of Tommy’s truck that he always woke up when Tommy got home.

“Odin, come on, where are you?” Tommy looked into every room, even the bedroom. Odin was nowhere to be found.

He didn’t have a basement, so there was no way Odin had been locked in there. He checked everywhere. The garage, he checked the washer and the dryer, the fucking microwave, the backyard. He couldn’t find him anywhere.

Running a hand through his hair, Tommy tried to rationalize what was happening. Odin was gone. He wasn’t in this house, no matter how many times Tommy checked under the couch that Odin couldn’t fit under anyway.

“Okay, okay,” he muttered to himself, turning around to put his shoes back on. He’d go and ask Mrs. Manson. There hadn’t been any open windows, but maybe- maybe she’d taken Odin back to her house? Which wasn’t something she’d ever do, she respected Odin’s apprehension for people.

Still, he speed-walked over there and knocked on the door, trying hard not to do it again when it took longer than five seconds to open.

Instead of Mrs. Manson, however, there was a girl, maybe twelve or thirteen, at the door, looking at him with big eyes.

“Who’re you?” she asked – demanded, more like it.

“Susie, I told you not to just open the door!” came Mrs. Manson’s voice from inside the house. “Who is it- oh, Thomas! Hello!”

Tommy offered her a tired smile, not even having it in him to correct her and tell her to call him Tommy. She insisted on Thomas.

“Hey, Mrs. Manson. Listen, I wanted to ask if you know what happened to Odin? He wasn’t there when I came home.” Tommy tried to keep his voice level. But he was scared, and honestly a little bit pissed off. Where was his cat?

“Oh, sorry, deary, I don’t know. I wasn’t feeling well today, and my grandkids offered to go feed him instead. Susie, love, do you know what happened?” Mrs. Manson turned her eyes on the girl, and Tommy had to give it to her – she sounded sweet and lovely as ever, but her eyes were hard.

Susie seemed to know what that meant, too, because she sheepishly looked at the ground. “We wanted to play with the cat,” she mumbled. “But he didn’t want to! So we tried to catch him, but the door was open and he ran out.”

“And you didn’t tell me?” Mrs. Manson said, her voice suddenly sharp. “Didn’t I tell you and your brother that you were supposed to fill the bowl and then leave?”

Susie looked at her grandmother wide-eyed. “We love cats! We wanted to play with him, but he just hissed at us!”

“Because he doesn’t like people,” Tommy threw in, pinching the bridge of his nose. “So, he ran out of the house because you chased him, and then, what, just ran down the street?”

She shrugged, not meeting his eyes. “We tried to catch him.”

Again. Probably started running after him, causing him to run away. Tommy really didn’t have the patience to deal with a teenager right now who caused his cat to get out.

Shaking his head, he said, “Sorry, Mrs. Manson, but I really have to go. I have to find my cat.”

“Of course, sweetie. Don’t you worry, I’ll have a talk with my grandkids.” She had a sincere look in her eyes. “Please, let me know when you find him, yes?”

Tommy nodded. “Yeah. Sure. See you later, Mrs. Manson.”

He left, walking down the street and trying to sort his thoughts. Where the hell was he even supposed to look? Odin wasn’t an outside cat, he didn’t know anything except for the house and the backyard, and Tommy only let him outside when he was with him.

Odin had probably gotten lost. Oh God, what if he’d gotten run over? He had a chip, so any vet should be able to contact Tommy about him if he turned up at a clinic, but what if something had happened to him? What if someone just picked him up and took him, and Tommy would never see him again?

He had to find him. He couldn’t- he really couldn’t deal with losing Odin on top of everything else. On top of this awful fucking day, and on top of losing friends and the man he loved because it was easier. Not Odin. Not right now.

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Buck was about ready for this day to be over. It wasn’t that it was full of particularly hard calls, but there had just been so many. And so many … well, honestly sort of unnecessary calls. But they responded, and they came, and they tried to help.

This was another thing that really didn’t need the whole team, but from what Buck had heard from dispatch, the person who had called had been in hysterics, almost. Turned out, the caller was a seven-year-old girl who was standing, crying and yelling, under the tree in her front yard with her exasperated mother next to her.

Buck wasn’t sure what was going on until he looked at what the girl was pointing to, finally noticing the black cat lying on a branch, staring down at them with a twitching tail.

“Oh, goodie,” Chimney sighed. “Stereotypically heroic stuff to do today,”

Bobby greeted the mother and spoke to her for a moment while Buck and Chimney wandered over to the tree, Eddie and Hen following behind. Listening with half an ear, Buck deduced that the kid had seen the cat in the garden, had then proceeded to run outside to get it inside the house, only for the cat to jump into the tree and refuse to come down. Cue yelling and crying. 

Buck stared up into the tree top. The cat was almost fully obscured by the leaves and twigs, but then, it shifted, leaning down to look at them. Buck took a moment, but he recognized the one-eyed face, and the thick mane, and the smooth black fur.

“Odin?” he asked out loud, making the others look at him in surprise.

Odin, in turn, meowed at him and got up to his paws, and started to make his way down the trunk. He leapt off, and landed on Buck’s shoulders, making him stumble for a moment. He hadn’t expected how heavy the cat would be, but maybe he should have expected. He was huge, after all.

“Who’s your friend, Buck?” Eddie asked with a raised eyebrow.

Buck looked at him in surprise. Eddie had been over at Tommy’s so many times, and he’d never met Odin? Had he just hidden himself while Eddie was there? He’d always been around when Buck had visited Tommy, even though he had never let Buck touch him.

“Odin,” Buck finally replied, ducking down a bit to counterbalance against the new added weight. “That’s Odin, he’s Tommy’s cat.”

“Tommy has a cat?” Hen asked.

Buck shrugged. “Yeah. And he’s not an outside cat, so maybe we should call him and ask him whether he’s looking for Odin.”

Just as Buck finished the sentence, there was a shrill screech, and he turned around to see the little girl run up to him, eyes red and blotchy.

“No!” she shouted. “I want the kitty cat! My kitty!”

“Sweetie, I told you that the kitty probably belongs to someone,” her mother said gently, which only caused the girl to scream louder, and Odin to hiss next to Buck’s ear.

Buck decided to take a couple of steps back to keep Odin away from the noise so he wouldn’t try to run off again. Tommy had told him he didn’t like many people, or loud noises, so that was a possibility.

Bobby intercepted the child and the mother, and started leading them away, allowing Buck and the others to get back to the truck.

“Well, that was an anticlimactic rescue,” Chimney sighed.

“You should be glad that none of us had to climb up the tree,” Hen huffed with an eyeroll.

“Can one of you call Tommy?” Buck asked. “He’s probably worried. We should let him know we found him.”

“Why don’t you just call him?” Eddie asked.

Buck bit his tongue to not point out that it had been Eddie – and Hen – who had kept him from calling Tommy a while ago. But he held up his free hand, saying, “Phone’s at the station.”

Chimney was the one who pulled out his phone. He dialed, and Buck watched him, still with the weight of Odin on his shoulders. He wasn’t sure what to think of that. Odin had never come close to him. He didn’t hate Buck, but he didn’t like him a lot, either. Maybe it was just that he was scared and knew Buck enough to feel a little safer with him. 

As Chim tapped something on the screen, probably to put the call on speaker, Buck decided it would probably best to stand next to him and get some more distance between him and the still screaming girl. Bobby was clearly trying to deal with the whole situation, but from what Buck could see – and hear – he wasn’t that successful.

The call connected, but before anyone could say anything, Tommy’s voice came out of the speaker, and the way it did had all of them pause.

“What the hell could you want now?”

They all froze, sharing looks between them. Eddie looked stunned, Hen had her mouth pulled in an expression that read “yikes” and Chim was staring at his phone, mouth open and eyes wide. Buck didn’t know what he himself looked like, but probably with a similar air of shock on him. They had never heard Tommy sound so hostile before.

“Wh-what?” Chim stuttered out, seemingly just as unprepared for the venom in Tommy’s voice as Buck.

“Well, you only seem to remember my number when you need a favor.” Buck watched Chimney grimace, and felt his stomach drop out by the accuracy of Tommy’s statement. “Whatever it is, it’s gonna have to wait. I’m kind of in the middle of something, and I really don’t have time to drop everything for you again.”

Okay, so Tommy was pissed. But more than that, even through the speaker, Buck could hear the slight shake to his words, and he sounded a little out of breath like he was walking somewhere. He was stressed. He probably had already realized that Odin was gone and had gone out to find him.

Chim’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times, but no word came out. Buck could hear a frustrated sigh on the other side of the line and feared that Tommy was about to hang up.

“We found your cat!” he said before he could think better of it, despite having thought that it might be better for him to just keep his mouth shut. “We found Odin, he’s safe.”

For a couple of seconds, there was still nothing, and Buck thought that Tommy had actually hung up. This was the first time in around three months that Buck heard his voice, and he really didn’t want it to be over already. He’d missed him so much.

But then, Tommy asked, sounding breathless and hopeful, “Where are you right now?”

Chim was the one who picked it back up and rattled off the address, and it was only now that Buck realized they were only a couple of blocks away from Tommy’s neighborhood. Buck was suddenly very aware of the fact he was about to see Tommy again for the first time in three months, and he wasn’t sure what to think.

He’d gone through all the emotions a person could possibly feel. He’d circled through what had happened, gone through anger and outrage and understanding, and finally landed on wishing he had another chance to do better. To not jump the gun, and to drag Tommy out from behind the walls he had built, kicking and screaming if he had to. If only Buck had the courage to finally send that fucking text.

Odin shifted on Buck’s shoulders, and Buck decided that this was his chance. He’d get Tommy to talk to him today. This felt like fate to him.

It didn’t take long, not at all, for a familiar figure to appear down the street. As he came closer, Buck felt his breath catch in his chest. Tommy was here. He looked frazzled, more so than Buck had ever seen him, and like he hadn’t slept well these last days. He looked absolutely beautiful.

Yeah, Buck wasn’t over him for sure. And at this point, he never would be.

Tommy halted, eyes catching Buck’s for a moment, and Buck thought for a moment, time stood still. But then, Tommy’s eyes moved on to the creature currently riding on Buck’s shoulders, and his face crumpled. Something like relief and anguish warred on his features, and he took an aborted step closer.

Odin had noticed him at this point, and moved around so he could jump down from Buck. With quick steps, he ran across the sidewalk to where Tommy was standing, and Buck watched him open his arms just a bit, just in time for Odin to leap up and into them. He could see the way Tommy’s arms tightened around Odin, the way his eyes were shut tight and his jaw was clenched before he buried his face in the fluffy mane. Buck watched the way his shoulders fell with a shuddering breath.

All the while, Odin was making sounds. From the moment he’d spotted Tommy, he’d started making these little mewls as if he was talking to Tommy, telling him all about what had happened. Tommy’s thumb brushed through the fur on Odin’s belly, and when he resurfaced, Buck wasn’t surprised to see his eyes red and glassy.

He took a couple of steps closer, hesitated, but then continued, closing the distance between him and Buck. And, realistically, Eddie, Chim, and Hen as well, but they didn’t matter right here. Tommy was looking at Buck. He was looking at him, with those bright eyes, and Buck’s words got caught in his throat.

Tommy looked like he wanted to say something. God, please, he had to say something, because Buck was starting to lose his mind. Nothing made sense. Only Tommy did, and Buck’s heart was making a hell of an attempt to beat through his ribs and out of his chest.

But before Tommy could say something, and before Buck could find his own words, there was a shrill screech that made all of them wince. Buck looked over in time to see the little girl tear herself loose from her mother and run over to them, pointing her arms up at Odin who was happily lying in Tommy’s arms.

“No!” the girl yelled. “That’s my kitty! Mom, tell him!”

Said mother looked apologetically at Tommy, mouthing, I’m sorry, before she turned to her daughter. “I told you, someone was missing the kitty. Now, let’s go back inside and let them go home.”

“Noooooo!” The girl stomped her foot.

And yeah, Buck was irritated by that, but he had nothing on Tommy. He saw it, and was reminded of times after Tommy had come over after a long shift, with glazed eyes and a short fuse.

Tommy’s expression was pinched, and his eyebrows furrowed. If he weren’t holding Odin right now, Buck would bet money that he’d have his hands covering his ears. He’d seen that from him once, when the neighborhood kids were playing out in the street, and Tommy had already been overstimulated from work.

Sensory overload, he’d called it. Buck had planned on getting him those really nice noise-cancelling headphones for his birthday. It hadn’t turned out like that, unfortunately.

But Buck had seen this enough times to know that Tommy was about to snap. Really snap, something that would make his little outburst at Chimney pale in comparison.

Before something could happen, Buck stepped forward, and put a hand on the small of Tommy’s back, putting some pressure there to make him walk. Tommy looked at him, surprised, but he didn’t seem put off. Neither did Odin, who opened his eye to blink at Buck. Tommy didn’t put up a fight, let Buck bring him closer to the others.

Bobby disentangled himself from the mother-daughter-duo, coming to them so they could watch the mother take her child inside while she was still complaining about wanting to keep the cat.

Odin was purring, loudly enough that Buck could hear him. Tommy seemed to relax a little bit now that the source of the noise was gone.

“You okay?” Buck asked, the first actual words he’d spoken to Tommy since he’d shown up here.

Tommy nodded. His hands tightened a little around Odin’s body, and Buck could guess what that meant. He was okay now that he knew Odin was safe and sound. Tommy loved this cat, Buck had seen them interact enough times over the six months they were together to notice how much.

Their eyes met, and Buck wanted to say more. He wanted to talk, he wanted to say so many things. But he also knew this wasn’t the time or place for it. Tommy’s eyes lingered on him, and Buck wondered whether he was thinking the same thing.

The moment ended when Tommy looked over at Chimney. He took a deep breath, as if to steel his nerves. “Look, Howie,” he started, voice a little rough. Hearing him here, right next to him, chased warmth down Buck’s back. He’d missed him so much.

Chimney got closer to Tommy, and they turned away from the group a little bit, but Buck wouldn’t even pretend that he wasn’t listening.

“I’m sorry,” Tommy said quietly, holding eye-contact. “It was a really stressful day, and that’s not an excuse, but your call came on top of everything and my fuse- I didn’t have anything left. And you were the first one I could take it out on, I’m so sorry.”

Buck watched Chim smile and clap a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “I know,” he said reassuringly. “It’s okay, I get it.”

“It’s really not okay.”

Chimney shrugged. “In that case, I accept your apology. And I’m sorry for not reaching out recently.”

“It’s alright. You have your own life. Not like I’m any better at keeping in touch.”

Only Tommy didn’t call Chimney up asking for favors, Buck thought, and he assumed Chimney was thinking the same thing. Still, he let it drop, clearly understanding just as well as Buck that Tommy really didn’t do well with people … well, appreciating him, accommodating him. How Buck had never seen it was a mystery.

Well, it wasn’t, not really. He’d been so caught up in the giddiness and happiness at having a relationship with someone who saw him, someone who accepted him at his worst and most unhinged. Tommy had hidden everything he thought to be unappealing, and Buck hadn’t noticed. He wasn’t sure how well it would have gone across had he noticed back then and confronted Tommy about it. Perhaps it would have ended the same. Perhaps it would have ended worse. But this was his chance. He could do better, and ask Tommy to do the same.

“I would hug you, but …” Chimney trailed off, gesturing at the massive body of Odin still held in Tommy’s hands.

“Yeah, he’ll probably claw you up if you try,” Tommy said fondly.

Bobby pulled Buck out of his eavesdropping session by telling them it was time for them to get back to the station. Tommy looked like he was about to step back, but Buck couldn’t have that happen. He wasn’t missing his chance. Not this time.

“Think we can bring Tommy home?” he asked. “Looks like he’s about to pass out.”

Bobby caught his eyes, and Buck silently begged him not to ruin things for him right now. Eddie and Hen were dutifully keeping their mouths shut, and Chim passed Buck on the way to open the door of the truck, a soft smile on his face, like he’d just been waiting for this.

Whatever Bobby saw on his face, it was enough to sway him. “Can we take you home, Tommy?”

Tommy looked a little stunned – first at Buck making the suggestion, then at Bobby actually offering. He opened his mouth, looking unsure, and Buck was afraid he’d refuse. His eyes went big and his bottom lip stuck out a little without his control, and it only took a second for Buck to pout at Tommy for him to cave.

Still got it.

“I- I’d appreciate that,” Tommy landed on, and let himself be dragged into the engine by Chimney.

Buck watched him the whole way back. Tommy didn’t talk to anyone, was too busy petting Odin and staring out of the window. God, Buck had missed him.

The ride didn’t take long at all, and as Tommy was getting ready to get out, mumbling a quick thank you and goodbye, Buck got off with him, walking a couple steps behind him to the door. Only once they got to the door did Tommy turn around to face him, and there was something weak and vulnerable on his face.

“Buck-” he started, and it almost made him recoil.

“Evan,” he corrected. “That hasn’t changed.”

“Hasn’t it?”

“No, it hasn’t.” Buck dared to take a step closer. Tommy didn’t step back. “Can I come over later? I want- would you be okay to talk?”

Tommy didn’t meet his gaze, shrugging slightly. “Not sure if that’s a good idea.”

Buck wasn’t about to let that slide. He knew there was a chance, he knew. “Why not?”

This time, Tommy looked up at him, looking- confused, and maybe even a bit disbelieving. “You saw what happened earlier,” he pointed out. “I lashed out at Howie because he was there.” He sighed, sounding resigned to his fate as he continued, “It gets worse than that. Much worse.”

“I don’t care,” Buck said, trying to make Tommy look him in the eyes again. “I want to see everything. Even all the parts you don’t like.” At Tommy’s expression, looking like he didn’t believe a thing Buck was saying, he doubled down. “You saw me maim my best friend because he spent a little too much time for you.”

“That’s different,” Tommy protested.

“Is it?”

That shut him up. Buck wasn’t above begging, but before he could start, he heard a mewl, and then felt something tug on the sleeve of his turncoat. He looked down, seeing Odin stretching out his front paws to try and dig his claws into the material to pull.

Buck looked back up at Tommy, quirking an eyebrow. “Odin wants me to come over, it seems.”

He watched Tommy swallow. He bit the inside of his bottom lip. Please, he thought.

“Okay,” Tommy said. “You know where the key is. You can let yourself in when you get off shift.”

Buck didn’t bother hiding his smile. “Okay, good,” he said. “I’ll see you later. Get some rest, Tommy.”

He stayed there until Tommy closed the door behind him, and then he was off, returning to the truck where the others were waiting with bated breaths.

Buck threw a glare at Hen and Eddie. “Why are you excited about this?” he asked. “You stopped me from reaching out.”

Hen raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “I stopped you because I didn’t want you to go into this without thinking it through. You didn’t understand what had happened back then. It probably wouldn’t have worked out.”

And yeah, okay, that was fair. Buck had to give her that. Chimney leaned back, looking slightly smug.

“Well, I was always rooting for you two,” he proclaimed.

“Oh, were you?” Buck asked. “Were you gearing up to call him to tell him I died, too?”

Chim held a finger in front of his lips with a grin. “A master never gives out his plans. I might still need it.”

Hopefully, he wouldn’t. But only time would show that.

-----------------------------------------

Later, Buck parked his car, grabbed his back, and took quick steps to the front door. The outside looked neat, like Tommy had recently cleaned up and dealt with his front yard a little. Buck wondered whether that was his version of baking.

He’d find out soon enough. He found the key, unlocked the door, and entered the house, closing the door behind him. He took off his shoes and ventured inside, but he didn’t find Tommy in the living room where he had expected him. When he was off-shift and not having plans, Tommy liked sitting by the window to read while Odin lay on the back of the couch to stare outside at the birds.

“Tommy?” he called out.

Muffled, he heard, “Bedroom!” from upstairs, and dropped his bag on the couch before he climbed up the stairs to the bedroom. The door wasn’t fully closed when he reached it, and he pushed it open carefully.

The light in the room was dimmed, and Tommy was lying on his side of the bed, half under the covers. He’d changed outfits, Buck noticed, at least his top, having switched that out for one of the sleeveless ones he liked to sleep in.

Odin had stretched his long body out next to him, lying on his back with his limps spread away. Tommy’s hand was idly brushing up and down his belly, and Odin seemed to be having the time of his life, eye closed and looking relaxed.

“Hi,” Buck said, quietly.

“Hi, Evan,” Tommy returned, just as quiet, and it made something settle in Buck. At least he’d gotten through to Tommy with that. So maybe it wouldn’t be quite as hard to get through to him with some other things as well.

“How- how are you feeling?” He left the doorway, walking further into the room.

“Better,” Tommy said. “I’m just glad he’s not hurt. I was worried he got hit by a car.”

Buck looked at where Odin was luxuriating on the bed. “He looks fine,” he said. “Thought he’d not allowed in the bedroom.”

Tommy shrugged. “He normally isn’t. But I just really needed sleep, and I didn’t want him somewhere I couldn’t see him. And he’s not trying to eat my clothes this time, so.”

Slowly, hesitantly, Buck sat down on the edge of the bed. And when neither Tommy nor Odin reacted negatively to that, he moved further, slowly situating himself on his side and scooting closer so he was facing Tommy, only a couple inches away from Odin.

“I didn’t think I’d see the day he’d touch me voluntarily,” Buck murmured and reached out carefully. He stopped with his fingers hovering over Odin’s face and let him sniff at his hand. When he didn’t get claws or teeth for his efforts, he carefully stroked his forehead.

“I knew he’d warm up to you,” Tommy shrugged.

Which was all the segue that Buck needed. “So, you had planned for me to stick around long enough for Odin to accept me?”

Tommy’s expression shuttered for a moment. But then, he sighed. He wrapped his arm around Odin and pulled him close to his chest. Odin squirmed so he could lie down on his side and nudge his head under Tommy’s chin, rubbing his ears against the stubble covering Tommy’s jaw.

It was painfully adorable. But Buck didn’t let himself get distracted by that. He needed answers, and he needed them now. He needed Tommy to stay and look at him and talk. He saw this as his chance, but he couldn’t do it on his own. Tommy had to meet him somewhere.

“I did tell you I didn’t expect it then,” Tommy pointed out.

“But you had expected it at one point.”

The grimace sliding onto Tommy was all the answer Buck needed. It made him sigh. This wouldn’t be an easy talk, and Buck wondered whether they should be having it here. On the other hand, it was too late now, and they had to work with what they had.

“You can’t freeze me out like that, Tommy, that’s not fair. I know that I didn’t really think about anything, and that I definitely could have worded it better.” He held eye-contact, and felt a soft smile when Tommy didn’t look away from him. “We didn’t have to end like that.”

He was a little surprised when Tommy agreed. And then, for the first time, Tommy actually let Buck in and let him see. For more than just a short moment of vulnerability that he would end soon enough with a joke to lighten the mood.

Tommy told Buck of his first boyfriend, or whom he had considered to be his first boyfriend. How he’d felt right and thought that this was what he’d been looking for. Only to fall too hard and too fast, only to be left confused and hurt when the guy broke up with him and said something along the lines of, “You can’t expect me to be your last. Firsts never are, you should learn that.”

And he kept encountering that logic, it seemed, until he internalized it. He’d had too many relationships end too soon because he was more invested than his partner, or because they didn’t want to settle down and left Tommy for the next best thing.

And then, he told Buck about Lucas. And Buck’s heart broke for a younger Tommy who’d been left behind one too many times, resulting in this – someone so afraid of getting his heartbroken for the umpteenth time that he ended it himself. Buck pictured Tommy with no safe haven, no roof over his head, only with his car, constantly afraid that he would lose more. Maybe his and Tommy’s pasts weren’t all that different.

Tommy told Buck about the day he met Odin and brought him home, and Buck finally knew why Odin meant so much to him. Obviously he was his little buddy, as he’d put it back then, but he was also the one thing that had made his house a home. That had given him hope. Buck was suddenly so grateful for the existence of Odin, that Tommy had had someone to help him a little.

Buck told Tommy about his parents. About Daniel. And a couple of things about Maddie – not everything, because some of those things weren’t his to tell. But he told her about his sister’s habit to run, and he saw it on Tommy’s face when he understood. Buck had experience with runners. He didn’t hold it against them. He didn’t hold a grudge against the runners in his life. They’d come back. And he always welcomed them with open arms.

He saw the moment that it got through to Tommy, because it prompted him to reluctantly ask, “Can you give me another chance?”

Buck smiled, slightly breathless with relief. “I’ve been dying to.”

They had things to work out. But they could. As long as Tommy was willing, they could work it out.

Odin stretched out his front legs, his paws finding Buck’s hand. Buck allowed him to pull it closer, and let out a soft laugh at Odin starting to lick at his fingertips. He rubbed a thumb against Odin’s cheek.

“He seems happy,” Buck mumbled.

“Well, it seems like he missed you,” Tommy said with a soft smile. “I should have known. He was never willing to hang out when someone else was over. He stays away from Eddie and Sal whenever they’re here.”

Buck wasn’t sure whether he should be this proud about this introverted cat taking a liking to him, but he felt it anyway. It seemed like so much more than Odin warming up to him. It was as if Odin and Tommy both were finally clearing a spot for him. Both of them were so closed off, and Buck had gotten through to them. Both of them.

Pushing himself up on an elbow, Buck put a hand on Tommy’s cheek and tipped his face up so he could kiss him. He saw Tommy’s eyelashes flutter a little as he closed his eyes in anticipation, and then they found each other again.

It was a lot like that day in his kitchen. A revelation, almost. Something new, but something familiar. Like an oh, there you are. I’ve been waiting for you. Something settled in Buck that had been shaken loose the day Tommy walked out of his loft.

They were interrupted by the indignant meow coming from Odin between them, and they broke the kiss on a laugh. There was a slight blush on Tommy’s cheeks, and his eyes were bright. Maybe a little shiny with something that could be the start of tears. They never looked more blue and beautiful.

He watched Tommy give Odin scritches under his chin and whisper about how needy and spoiled he was, and how he probably should deny him a little more often. As if he ever could. Buck and Odin both knew that all they had to do was look at Tommy all pitiful-like and he’d cave.

Buck let himself smile, watching Tommy and his cat. He felt like this time, he’d been let into something he’d been kept outside of before. There was a new chance here. A new future.