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Yamagata Koji is something like a superhero. 

Even his name alone, that bears the meaning of wide and strong , signifies him as a person. When it was raining and they had no umbrella, he would use his body to shield his children until they were back under the roof. He doesn’t even get sick afterwards. When they are walking home from school underneath the scorching sun, he would carry the bags that felt heavy on his children’s shoulders as if they weigh like nothing—sometimes, he even carries his children too. When his parents died and he lost a volleyball game on the same day, he didn’t even cry. He still jokes around with his family and makes them laugh.

With super strength as his powers, he can break through everything, anything . No bullets or shields can stop him, no matter how hard they try. Like a superhero, he is an irresistible force. 

And Hayato wants to be just like him. 

His dad is his best friend. As the only two men in the house, they share so many common interests. He loves everything that his dad loves, and does everything that he does. His dad cracks jokes with puns, so does Hayato. His dad’s favourite food is uni donburi, so is his. His dad is a libero in his volleyball team, so that is what he will become. 

They are practically attached to the hip and when someone tells him that he is exactly like his dad, Hayato feels like that is the greatest praise he has ever received. 

His dad is strong, nothing could break him. Hayato believes so. 

But as it turns out, he is wrong.

Because cancer is stronger. 

⌗

The smell of the hospital is horrible. Hayato has never really liked it.

But if you visit a place one too many times, you get used to things that you do not like. This is no different, Hayato thinks. He looks at his dad, who is sitting on the hospital bed as he listens to his sister, Hikari, babbling about whatever happens in school today. His other sister, Hanami, rests on his dad’s lap as she plays with a new doll his mom had bought for her. 

His dad is laughing while his hand pats Hanami’s hair. For a moment, it seems like everything is okay. Everything is normal. Hayato wants to believe that, wants to live in the world where his dad is at home cracking jokes that makes Hayato and his sisters laugh, where his dad kisses his mom’s cheek as she cooks dinner, where he stays up late at night with Hayato sharing pointers about volleyball and where their house feels like home, instead of a place that is bare and empty. 

But when he looks at his dad, it feels like those days have long passed. His dad’s figure is thin, thinner than Hayato has ever seen. His hair that used to be thick and curly is now reduced to nothing. He coughs every so often and sometimes it makes it hard for him to talk. He could barely even walk without stumbling on his feet. 

He doesn’t remember when this all happened, when did it all start. All he knows is that one day, his dad had been fine and then suddenly, everything was changing. 

Hayato shakes his head, swallowing his concerns away. He must hold faith. His dad is fine, everything will be okay again.

The sound of the door opening startles him and he turns to find his mom walking inside with boxes of takeouts in her hands and a gentle smile on her face.

“I bought some food from the chicken place you love so much,” His mom says, lifting up the food in her hand, “Figures this would stop you from complaining about the hospital food again.”

His dad lights up, shifting slightly as his mom sets the take out on the table in front of the bed, “You’re the best, darling. Or should I say egg-cellent?”

Hayato and her sisters laugh. His mom rolls her eyes before passing a box to his dad, “Please, don’t do that.”

“I can’t, not when you’re so im-peck-able!” His dad jokes, earning another round of laughter from his children and a shake of a head from his mom. 

“Come on, kids. Let’s eat.”

The five of them eat together with his dad sitting straight on his bed, surrounded by his family on either side of the bed. They exchange stories and laughter together, each of them chiming in with something new to share. Despite their situation, Hayato couldn’t help but feel warmth consume his being. 

“Hayato,” His dad calls, “How was volleyball? I heard they put you in the starting line up.”

“It was amazing!” Hayato beams excitedly, “I’m the main libero for the next tournament! Coach says I’ve been doing a really, really good job and that I have been improving so much!”

“That’s my boy!” His dad grins, ruffling his hair as Hayato laughs wholeheartedly, “I know you can do it!”

“Are you proud of me?” Hayato asks, blinking up at his dad, all hopeful. 

His dad smiles, “Kid, there’s never a day that I am not proud of you.”

Hayato feels his cheeks hurt from smiling too big but he couldn’t help it. The warmth of happiness makes it home inside his heart and spreads through his body. He wants this feeling to last.

“Now, remember,” His dad starts, “A libero is a defender. Sort of like a knight. You have to be a strong shield so that you can help support your team because they need you. Got it?”

“Got it!”

“Hayato,” His dad says, his voice low and serious. He is no longer smiling. For a moment Hayato feels nervous of—

“I have egg-spectations for you.”

Hayato blinks.

He lowers his voice as well, his face serious, “Don’t worry, dad,” He pauses. Then— “I won’t chicken out.”

His dad guffaws and his sisters laugh alongside him. His mom rolls her eyes yet again but there is a hint of a smile on her face. Hayato basks in this moment, hoping that it will last. 

“Daddy,” Hikari says, her legs swinging on the chair she is sitting on, “When are you gonna get out of here? It’s so boring at home without you.”

“Yeah! Very boring!” Hanami exclaims in agreement. Hayato watches as his mom looks away, her hand on her mouth. His dad gives them a smile, one that doesn’t reach his eyes as he holds Hikari’s hand in his.

“Soon. I will come home soon,” He tells them. It feels like a lie. 

Still, Hayato couldn’t resist the urge to ask— “Will you be there? For my volleyball game?”

His dad looks hesitant, his mouth slightly gaping, as if he wants to say something but couldn’t. His dad’s eyes wander to his mom before flickering back to Hayato. He closes his mouth and he looks uncertain, almost guilty. So unlike the confident and brave man that Hayato is so used to seeing. Hayato feels his heart drop slightly. 

But his dad nods, “Yes, sure. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

His dad gives another smile, one that is meant to be comforting and yet, Hayato feels anything but. Still, he believes his dad because when has he not?

“Okay, kids,” His mom says, her voice wavers, “It’s late and we have to get home. Daddy needs some rest.”

Hayato and his sisters groan but obliges, cleaning up after their mess before hugging their dad goodbye. His mom pulls him aside as Hayato picks up some of their trash.

“Hayato,” His mom whispers, “Throw away the rubbish, take your sisters with you and wait outside, okay? Dad and I have to talk.”

“Okay, mom,” Hayato nods. He takes the take out boxes with him and leads his sisters outside. Once he got everything done, the three of them waited patiently in the seating area near their dad’s room. 

“Do you think dad is going to be fine, Haya-niisan?” Hikari asks, her lips pursed, a habit she has when she’s thinking about something sad but doesn’t want to cry. 

“Of course! Dad is a superhero, remember? Superheroes always made it!” Hayato reassures, hoping that she believes him.

“You think so?”

“I know so! Trust you brother, I’m never wrong,” Hayato says but his words are just words. The truth is, he doesn’t know. All he has is just blind beliefs that everything will go well. It has to be. 

“Haya-niisan,” Hanami says from her spot next to Hayato. Her eyes gleamed with sadness, “I left my doll inside.”

“Are you sure?” 

Hanami nods, pouting, “I looked everywhere.”

“Okay. I will go back and take it, you two stay here,” His sisters nod and Hayato makes his way back to his dad’s room. Once outside, he pushes the door open but he pauses when he hears something strange. 

There is someone crying. 

He hears the voices of his parents, not loud enough to disturb others and not low enough to be unheard. He recognises the sound of his mom’s sobs and his dad’s watery voice. It feels wrong to be here but curiosity wins him over and he pushes the door open slightly more, careful not to give him away. 

“It’s just—Everything is so hard, Koji,” His mom cries. Hayato could see her body shaking from where she was sitting on his dad’s bed. His dad has a hand on her arm, moving it up and down to comfort her. 

“I’m so tired, all the time. I have so much to do and the kids are always asking about you. I have…I have to be strong and tell them that everything—everything is okay. I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” She sobs, letting her head fall on his dad’s shoulder. His dad holds her close. 

“I miss you,” She mumbles to his shirt. His dad inhales, his hand shaky as he strokes her hair. He kisses her head and lets his lips linger for long before pulling away. 

“I miss you too. I miss the kids so much, I miss being home,” He confesses, his voice shaking, “But listen, Ikumi. We need to be strong. I know things are hard right now but we can do this. Before you know it, this will pass and everything will be okay again.”

His mom doesn’t say anything. But she hides her face in the crook of his dad’s neck and his dad holds her hand, his thumb caressing the back of her hand. Hayato stares at the sight in front of him, his heart sinking down to his stomach. He closes the door slowly and leans to a nearby wall, his legs are too weak to hold him so he lets himself sink to the ground.

Hayato gulps, his voice is stuck in his throat—as if there is a lump, stopping him from saying anything. His lips tremble with sobs that he cannot let out. There is not enough air, he thinks, it feels like choking. His cheeks wet from the tears that spilled from his eyes. He places his hand to his chest, gripping his shirt tight and willing his heart to stop hurting, stop breaking. He can’t stop, he doesn’t know how to. 

But he needs to, he realises. He needs to be like his dad, he needs to be strong— for his mom, for his sister, for himself. He’s a defender. This is his job. 

He wills himself to stop crying, wiping the snot and tears from his face. He stands up, looking at the door of his dad’s hospital room. He needs to be a strong shield, a support. At least until his dad gets better. Hayato knows that he will.

Because Yamagata Koji is something like a superhero. He is strong, he will get through this.

And so will Hayato.

“Haya-niisan, can you braid my hair like a fairy princess?” Hanami requests, her eyes shining as she looks up to Hayato who just finished setting up the table for dinner.

“Why do you need to braid your hair? It’s night,” Hayato asks but yet, he still follows his sister to the living room and sits behind her as he grabs a comb to comb her hair.

“I need to look good in my dreams. Tonight, I wanna dream about being a princess,” Hanami tells him, her cheeks flush slightly. Hanami has always been shy to ask for things. Hayato only hums in agreement as he combs his sister’s hair before parting it to make a braid.

Hanami hums a song as Hayato works on her braids, a song that has apparently been a hit around her five years old peers. Hayato finds himself humming along with her as he works, careful not to tug on her hair too strongly. 

“There,” He says once he is done. Hanami stands up and brings her braid to rest on her shoulder, running her fingers through it. 

She smiles at him, shyly, “Do I look pretty?”

“The prettiest,” Hayato tells her. Hanami smiles again before hugging Hayato. He wraps his arms around her easily.

“Thank you, Haya-niisan.”

The sound of the door opening startles them, pulling them away from each other. His mom zooms in, her hair tangled in messy waves, groceries in one arm and her blazer in another. Her clothes are askew and there's a sweat stain on her shirt. Hayato quickly makes his way to her, taking the groceries bag from her without hesitation.

“Thank you, Hayato,” His mom says, smiling as she hastily takes off her heels, “I’m sorry I’m late but dinner is gonna be served soon, alright?”

“Mom, it’s fine,” Hayato says, shifting the groceries bag in his arm, “I already made dinner. It’s on the dining table, we were waiting for you to come home before we eat.”

His mom blinks, her eyebrow furrow, “You made dinner? Hayato, you’re ten, you know you can’t be around the stove without supervision.”

“I know! But it’s okay mom I know all the safety rules, I’m fine! Everything is okay.”

His mom looks at him, her eyes softening into something else entirely. She smiles again, tender and wavering before patting his head in affection. Hayato feels his chest tightens. It’s the first time he sees his mom smiles genuinely ever since his dad got diagnosed. It feels nice.

“Hayato…” She utters, her voice cracking. 

Hayato shakes his head and gives her a huge grin, “I’m gonna put these in the kitchen and we’re gonna have dinner together!”

His mom nods and the two of them walk inside. Hikari has just come down from her room and she immediately runs to hug their mom, greeting her with a huge smile. Hanami joins in, twirling her braided hair around proudly. Hayato lets the three of them settle down at the dining room as he sets the groceries down on the kitchen counter before joining them.

“This looks delicious, Hayato,” His mom compliments as Hayato takes the seat in front of her. A mild, earthy aroma fills the air making the meatball spaghetti in front of them more enticing. Hayato managed to prepare not only the spaghetti but also a side dish (Hanami’s favourite dinosaur nuggets) and a jug of water (Hikari’s favourite orange juice). 

“I tried to make it the same as dad used to make but I don’t think I did it right,” Hayato confesses. His mom only shakes her head.

“I’m sure it tastes great nevertheless,” She smiles, “Let’s eat.”

The four of them dig in, munching on the food happily as they share stories with each other. Sometimes, Hayato glances at the empty seat next to him, the one that his dad used to occupy and feels his heart aches. He wonders what dad is eating tonight. He wonders if dad is okay.

“Mommy,” Hikari calls, the sauce getting all over her chubby cheeks. For a seven year old, she’s not a very elegant eater, “A spider almost bit me today! It was in my bedroom when I got home from school waiting to eat me.”

“Oh no,” His mom says, amused, “And then what happened?”

“Haya-niisan heard me screaming and tried to catch it! The spider keeps running away though… but Haya-niisan caught it and threw it out! It was so, so cool! He didn’t cry afterwards! He’s like a knight!”

“Really? Since when is Hayato not afraid of spiders?” His mom teases. 

Hayato huffs, pouting slightly, “I’ll have you know that I am a grown up now! Only babies are afraid of spiders.”

His mom only laughs as if she didn’t believe him. To be honest, Hayato could still feel his skin crawl at the image of the spider he caught but he keeps his mouth shut. Nobody needs to know that.

“You look very pretty tonight with the braids, Hanami,” His mom praises, running her hands through Hanami’s hair, “What’s the occasion?”

“I want to look pretty in my dreams,” She mumbles, “Haya-niisan braids my hair so I can look pretty.”

“That’s nice, you look amazing, honey.”

The conversation flows smoothly during dinner and everyone seems to enjoy the food he makes, which only fuels Hayato’s pride even more. Once everyone finishes eating, Hikari and Hanami yawn before walking upstairs to brush their teeth and go to sleep. Then, there is only Hayato and his mom cleaning up the dining table. 

“I can wash the dishes tonight, mom. You should get some rest,” Hayato says as he picks up the dirty plates on the table.

“Hayato…” His mom looks at him, her voice warm, “You’ve been working so hard. Cooking dinner, doing chores, taking care of your sisters. Are you sure you’re okay with this? You know you don’t have to do this, right?”

Hayato sets the plates back on the table before facing his mom, “I know. I’m okay with it. I just want to help you and dad with anything I can. Besides, this way, I can be as strong as dad, right?”

“I know…and that’s great, honey. But you’re still a kid. I don’t want you to burden yourself with this.”

“I’m fine, mom. I can do these things, it’s okay. I’ll tell you if it gets too much.”

His mom doesn’t look convinced but still she sighs before pulling him into a tight hug. Hayato hugs her back, letting the warmth course through his entire body. He feels comforted and loved, something that he hasn’t felt in what seems like a long time ago. He closes his eyes and lets himself be transported to a place where nothing can hurt him. His mom rests her hand on the back of his head and kisses his temple, soft and gentle. He feels safe, like this, in her embrace. 

“Since when did you grow up?” His mom mutters, her voice wavering as she pulls away slightly to look at him. There are tears in her eyes and yet, she smiles at him all proud, “Thank you, Hayato. It means so much to your dad and me.”

Hayato smiles back and lets his mom kiss his temple yet again. He tightens his hold on her and buried his face on her chest, letting himself be lost in her affection.

(Hayato doesn’t tell her that he did these things because he sees how tired she is. He doesn’t tell her that he knows she doesn’t sleep at night and that she cries when she thinks nobody is awake. He doesn’t tell her that he knows his dad is struggling too. He doesn’t tell her that he loves when his parents smile at him whenever he does these things, like he is doing something right. He doesn’t tell her that he doesn’t mind carrying the burden, even just a little bit, if it means he can make his mom and dad feel a little lighter. 

After all, Yamagata Koji is something like a superhero. And Hayato wants to be just like him.)

This time around, the visit to the hospital feels off. Hayato doesn’t know why.

His mom leaves a few minutes ago with his sisters to buy some snacks and there is only Hayato and his dad in the room. Hayato brings his chair close to the bed, just so he can be as near as he can to his dad. His dad is thinner than the last time Hayato sees him. His skin is pale, his lips chapped and he can’t sit up anymore, not even for a moment. Nobody has ever told Hayato how heartbreaking it is to see your superhero, someone who used to be strong become weak.

But his dad still managed a smile, his hand gripping on Hayato’s small ones. His skin feels cold against Hayato’s very own but Hayato doesn’t tell him. Instead, he grips his hand just as hard. 

“Your mom told me about what you did,” His dad says, “That’s very good of you. It must have been hard.”

Hayato shakes his head, “It wasn’t hard at all! I like doing it.”

His dad laughs, “That’s my boy. You grew up so well.”

Hayato only laughs along with him, scooching closer so he can rest his other arm on the bed. His dad’s hold on his hand tightens.

“Listen, Hayato,” His dad murmurs, looking him straight in the eyes, “You’re a strong kid. I love you, I love you so, so much. I’m so sorry for all of this. But I need you to be strong, okay? You, your mom and your sisters only have each other now.”

“What do you mean, dad? You’re going to be okay, right?” Hayato could feel his voice tremble, his lips quiver and he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. 

His dad only smiles, the kind that doesn’t reach his eyes, “I don’t know. I just…need you to do this for me. Can you be strong for me?”

Hayato nods, not daring to say anything knowing that he doesn’t have the voice for it. Instead, he climbs up the bed and pulls his dad into a hug, letting himself cry on his dad’s neck. His dad puts his hand on the back of Hayato’s neck, caressing his head slowly.

“I’m so happy that you are my son. There’s never been a day that I am not proud of you.”

Hayato holds his dad tighter, letting his tears wet his dad’s neck. He doesn’t want to think of it as the last hug that they will share, doesn’t want to think of it as the last time he will see his dad. He doesn’t want to think of a future where his dad isn’t around anymore, sharing meals with him and spending their time together. 

He wants to believe everything will be okay. But as he let himself melt in his dad’s arms, he doesn’t know if it's ever going to be.

The day of his dad’s funeral, it starts raining. 

Hayato hides under the umbrella as his sisters cling to him, his shirt wet from their tears. He holds the umbrella as high as he can so that the three of them don't get wet, ignoring his sore arm. His mom sobs beside him, one hand on her own umbrella and another covering her face as if she’s trying to hide the fact that she is crying in front of her children. Hayato let himself hold Hanami close, he knew her legs couldn’t support her any longer.

He doesn’t have much tears to cry anymore. Not when he cried yesterday when they announced his dad’s death and throughout the entire service. He stares at his dad’s grave, waves of sadness hitting him as he tries to wrap his mind around his death. 

He knows that everything has led up to this. He knows that his dad, his family, has been suffering for months because of this. Somewhere deep down, he knows that his dad would not make it — not with the way the sickness has taken him so rapidly, without anyone even blinking. But Hayato has so foolishly held on to hope, believing that his dad can get through, that his dad is strong enough for this. 

But he guesses, even the strongest person has their poison. 

As they walk to the car with the heavy presence of sadness still looming over them, Hayato remembers the last time his dad held him in his arms. He remembers how his dad let Hayato cry on his neck and how despite that, his dad doesn’t cry at all. His dad’s smile etches at the back of his head, the coldness of his hand still lingers on Hayato’s own. He still hears the sound of his dad’s voice, the deep rumble that used to make Hayato feel at ease. The words he spoke still fresh in Hayato’s mind—

“Can you be strong for me?”

Hayato had agreed. He should be strong for his dad. He should be strong for his sisters, for his mom. This is his job now.

He looks back to his dad’s grave from the window of the car, his heart feels heavy with the growing distance between them. The last time he saw his dad, his dad was smiling. No tears, no frowns— just a smile as he held Hayato close. Even at his last moment he is still the same person that Hayato has grown to love and look up to.

Yamagata Koji is something like a superhero. Even to his very last breath. 

Now, Hayato needs to be like him.

⌗

Hayato can feel his teacher glaring daggers at him from the front of the room. He shrinks back into his seat, wishing for the millionth time that the ground would swallow him whole. 

He could hear the unsaid thoughts that Miss Nakamura has in her head, ones that Hayato has heard before. Miss Nakamura has never hidden the fact that she hated him, calling him a problem child for never being able to do well in her English class. She sighs whenever he fails to answer her questions, always finding a fault in everything that he does and never letting him forget how much of a nuisance he is.

He is too focused on volleyball and doesn’t care enough about the things that really mattered, she said. He is acting up because he doesn’t have a dad and wants attention, she said. He is a problem.

Hayato refused to believe those words. He’s not a bad student. He scores solid grades in science and maths, he helps his teachers whenever they need someone to carry their books for them, he makes sure that everything is balanced between volleyball and academics. He is not a problem. His friends love hanging out with him, his sisters call him their knight, his mom loves him with all her heart. 

And his dad— he was proud of him. Because Hayato is strong, just like he was.

Hayato refused to believe he is a problem child. He is not. He is good. 

But when the bell rings and Miss Nakamura calls him to her table with clear anger in her tone, Hayato swallows his nerves. As the other student fills out the room, Hayato makes slow steps to her table, feeling his hands shake besides him. 

“Your last quiz,” Miss Nakamura utters, throwing Hayato’s quiz on the table causing him to flinch. She crosses her arms and stares at him, deadly, “You’re failing my class, Yamagata.”

Hayato gulps, his fingers can’t stop fidgeting with one another. 

Miss Nakamura sighs, rubbing the bridge of her nose before fixing him another glare, “What is your problem, honestly? Why couldn’t you understand things the way your classmates do? Most of your classmates passed this quiz easily, so why can’t you?”

Hayato bites his lip and looks down to his shoes. While everyone seems to find Miss Nakamura’s teaching method easy, Hayato struggles to understand her sometimes. She speaks and goes through her materials too fast. She never really cares about those who are left behind. 

When Hayato doesn’t answer, she sighs once again and puts her palms on the table, “Listen. If you don’t fix your grades, you know you can’t play volleyball anymore.”

Hayato looks up, surprised, “What?”

She raises her eyebrow. Hayato swears there is a hint of a smirk on her face, “A problem child does not deserve to stay in the team.”

No, Hayato thinks, his heart tightens, I’m not a problem child. I need to stay on the team.

“There is a quiz coming up next month. If you don’t fix your grades by then, then I guess you’re off the team. Dismiss.”

Hayato makes his way out of the class, his body moving on its own. He doesn’t notice the loud noises from the other students or where his feet are taking him. All he can think about is how he does not want to lose his place in the team, to stop playing volleyball. Not when he is the team’s main libero, not when the team is counting on him, not when the team needs him. Not when volleyball is the only thing that connects him to his dad.

He shakes his head. He can do this. He can fix his grade and everything will be okay. 

Later that night, Hayato is sitting at the dining table with the rest of his family as they eat the dinner he prepared together. Hikari is chattering about the latest gossip from her class, her legs swinging happily from her place besides Hayato.

“There’s a new student in our class today! She’s from America and her name is really complicated so I don’t wanna remember it, I just call her Cat. She’s really cool, everyone wants to be her friend. Anyways, Emiko’s boyfriend, Nao really liked her and Emiko got jealous because they have been dating for three weeks! That is so long! So, Emiko is—”

The rest of them listen to her ramble, occasionally laughing at her personal commentary of the conversation or adding their own opinion. For someone who is only nine years old, Hikari makes it her business to know about everyone’s business. Hayato has learned long ago that he also needs to keep up to date with whatever the nine years old in Hikari’s class is doing, otherwise she will get mad at him for forgetting all about it. 

“Sounds like Emiko needs to break up with Nao,” Hayato comments as he munches on his food.

Hikari nods enthusiastically, “That’s what I’ve been telling her! But she says they’re getting serious…today, he buys her lunch. With his own money!”

“That’s crazy.”

“Yeah! He’s a businessman! He sells stickers in our class, that's why he’s so rich.”

“That must have been a tough decision for Emiko,” His mom says, amused. Hikari makes a sound of agreement. His mom turns to Hanami who is sitting next to her, “Hanami, what about you? Anything happened at school today?”

“Maths is hard. I don’t like it,” Hanami pouts, “Teacher gives us too much homeworks to do.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, sweetie,” His mom pats her head comfortingly, “Want me to help you with it?”

“I can do it, mom,” Hayato interrupts, “I can help Hana-chan with her homework. Don’t worry.”

“Are you sure, Hayato?” A look of worry crosses her face, and her grip on her fork loosens. 

“I’m sure,” Hayato shrugs, his lips curling up into a smile, “I’m good with maths.”

“Okay,” His mom doesn’t seem convinced but Hayato pays it no mind.

“Thank you, Haya-niisan,” Hanami smiles. Hayato grins back.

“How about you, Hayato? How are you doing?” His mom asks, tilting her head to the side. 

Hayato looks at her, his fingers tapping on the surface of the table. Hayato wants to tell her everything—about his grades and how impossible English is for him. He wants to tell her about how Miss Nakamura hated him, calling him a problem child and how he might not be able to play volleyball anymore. He wants to tell her about the frustration and anger that are building up inside of him, threatening to spill. 

He wants to tell her about how much he misses dad.

But he can’t.

He can’t tell her all of that.

Because when he looks at his mom, he sees the deepening shadows underneath her eyes— each day, it gets thicker from all the overtime work she has to do. He sees exhaustion taking over her body, how she drifts into silence that stretches into nothingness, as if every part of her is drained. He sees her sleeping on the couch whenever she comes home late, hugging a framed picture of dad with tears staining the glass. 

And he also sees the quiet smile that flickers across her face whenever he cooks dinner, her shoulder slumping in relief whenever he finishes all of the chores, the way she kisses his temple whenever she thinks he is asleep, whispering her gratitude for him. 

His mom already has so much on her plate. Hayato couldn’t bear to add more to it. He has to be strong.

So, he puts up his armour until she couldn’t see beneath his lies and smiles—

“I’m fine, mom.”

Because that is what he always is. He is always fine. 

Studying is hard for Hayato. Even when he sits in his room memorising every little information, he still can’t seem to wrap his head around his materials.

But Hayato tries anyway. He asks for help from his classmates and friends in between classes and during lunch. He goes through his flashcards whenever he can during volleyball practice. He memorises his notes even when he is cooking, cleaning or helping his sisters with their own homework. 

Hayato ignores the way his eyes burn from staying up too late to study. He ignores the aches on his body and the exhaustion he feels from trying to balance it all. He is tired of looking at words that feel foreign to him, he is tired of trying to do everything all at once but he doesn’t stop.

Hayato has long realised that he doesn’t have the luxury to rest, to stop carrying all these burdens, to stop being strong. Because if he stops doing all of this, what does that make him? 

It makes him weak. 

Hayato refused to be weak. Because—

Yamagata Koji was something like a superhero. He is the strongest person Hayato has ever known.

Hayato promised his dad that he can be strong for him. That is what he will do.

“Hanami, I’m sorry,” His mom says, “I would love to go to the park with you but I need to drop off Hikari at her ballet class and I have to go to the office.”

“But it’s Saturday…” Hanami cries, “Please, mommy. I really wanna go.”

“I know, sweetheart. But I can’t take you, I’m sorry. Maybe some other time?”

Hanami looks down to her feet, her long hair hiding her expression, “Dad would have taken me,” She mumbles.

His mom looks taken aback, guilt flashes in her eyes. Immediately, Hayato closes his notebooks and walks towards them. He puts one arm around Hanami and gives his mom a smile.

“It’s okay, mom. I can take her,” Hayato tells her. 

His mom sighs before smiling back at him, slightly relieved, “Thank you, Hayato. Be careful, okay? And watch your sister.”

“I will,” Hayato nods. His mom kisses his and Hanami’s head before making her way out of the house with Hikari tailing after her, skipping happily. 

Hayato turns to face Hanami who is now looking up at him, her eyes slightly wet from unshed tears but she looks grateful.

“Thank you, Haya-niisan.”

“You’re welcome,” Hayato ruffles her hair, “Now come on, go get ready.” 

“Is there a reason why you want to go to the park today?” Hayato asks as the two of them walk towards the park. His hand holds her small ones, making sure she doesn’t wander off somewhere that he can’t see. Hanami looks down, looking at the pavement below them almost hesitantly.

“I miss dad,” She mutters, her grip on Hayato’s hand tightening. Hayato halts and looks at her, unsure of what to do.

“Everything is changing,” She continues, her eyes welling up with tears, “I know dad has been gone for a really long time but I miss him so much. Is he really not coming back?”

He swallows the lump on his throat, willing himself to not start crying before crouching to her level, holding both her hands in his own.

“I’m sorry, Hana-chan. I miss him too,” Hayato feels her hands shake in his and Hayato tries to make himself breathe, “It’s been a tough two years without him.”

“He used to take me to the park whenever I’m sad,” Hanami hiccups, “It’s supposed to make me feel better. But he’s not here now.”

Hayato quickly pulls her into his arms, letting her tears wet his clothes. He tells himself to not cry, not in front of her. Hayato doesn’t know what to say to make her feel better. Instead, he holds her tighter, letting the warmth of the embrace become a comfort. He’s not sure who needs it most.

He wishes dad is here. His dad would’ve known what to do and what to say, better than Hayato ever could. He would know what is the right joke to make Hanami laugh, he would know how to make Hanami feel better. But he is not here. It’s been a long time since he was here.

Instead, there is only Hayato.

Yamagata Koji was something like a superhero. But Hayato is not.

For the first time in a while, Hayato feels as if he is not enough. Like he is trying to fill the shoes that are far too big on him. 

The only thing he can do, he realises, is hold Hanami close. 

Once Hanami calms down, she pushes herself away from Hayato. Her eyes and nose are red, her hair slightly messy. Hayato laughs slightly before wiping the remaining tears from her cheeks. 

“You’re laughing at me,” Hanami pouts, still holding on to Hayato’s shoulders.

“I’m not!” Hayato snickers, “You just look silly right now.”

“Nii-san!”

“Fine,” Hayato stands up, still snickering as he brushes the non-existent dust off of his pants, “You still want to go to the park?”

Hanami hums in agreement as she takes his hand in hers. Hayato makes sure to squeeze her hand as they walk, happy that her mood has picked up slightly.

“You know, I wanted to tell a joke about a bicycle.”

“What?”

“But I guess after all that crying, I’m two-tired for it.”

“...”

“Get it?”

“Nii-san, you are embarrassing me.”

Hayato wrings his hands together as he watches Miss Nakamura walk around the class giving them back their quiz results. His hands are cold but he feels sweat dripping slightly on the side of his face. Hayato has never been this nervous about getting back a quiz result, it feels like a different experience all together. 

When Miss Nakamura stops by his table, she gives him a hard look. She slips him his paper back and Hayato looks down, relief washes over him at the red B written on the margin of the paper. He’s saved. 

“You got lucky,” Miss Nakamura comments, her voice ice cold, “But I’m not surprised that this is the best you can do. You just scrape by. You are still not doing enough.”

Even as the day ends, her words still echo in his head.

Hayato lays on his bed that night, his mind reeling. His clock ticks late into the night and his only source of light is the moon. His sisters and mom are sleeping soundly in their own rooms which somehow only makes the house feel oppressively quiet. 

He thinks back to the day he took Hanami to the park, where she stays in his arms as she cries out and he didn’t even have the words to console her. He thinks back to his grades, how he thought he has worked hard only to be told that it is not enough. He should be happy that he gets to play volleyball again but somehow, it only makes him feel hollow. 

Maybe it’s true that he is not doing enough. Not when his mom still looks tired from having to do everything to keep them afloat. Not when Hanami and Hikari still carry a little bit of sadness that Hayato can’t do anything about. Not when Hayato can’t even get a perfect score in the stupid class.

Dad would have known what to do , he thinks, dad would not feel this way.

He grip the sheets of his bed, his knuckles turning white. He couldn’t stop thinking of his dad— What would he do? What would he feel?

His dad has always known what to do— what words to say, what jokes to crack, what ways he could use to comfort someone. He would have the solutions for every single problem in the world. He wouldn’t feel clueless like Hayato is now. He wouldn’t feel weak.

Hayato wonders. Would his dad feel disappointed in him for feeling this way? Would his dad feel disappointed in him for not keeping his end of the promise?

Hayato holds back a sob and closes his eyes. Crying would only make him weaker.

As the darkness consumes him, he realises that he doesn’t know if he is strong enough to keep everything together. He thinks it's only a matter of time.

But he needs to hold out for as long as he can.

Even if it is breaking him. 

⌗

When Hayato receives the scholarship letter, everything clicks.

As a volleyball athlete in Sendai, it is impossible for anybody to not know about Shiratorizawa Academy, the home of champions. Everyone races against one another, fighting tooth and nail just so they are able to get a place playing with athletes and a coach that are of national level calibre, in a team made for the best. For those with big dreams in the volleyball field, Shiratorizawa Academy is the place to be. Where people become winners.

But for Hayato— it was so much more.

He remembers going to one of the high school tournaments, sitting amongst the audience and watching as Shiratorizawa brings down their opponent easily, 25-12. The crowd of their supporters cheer wildly and their banner, Irresistible Force, gleams underneath the light. Suddenly, it all makes sense. 

That is what it’s like to be strong, invincible. A strong team, a sure win. Hayato is strong— this is where he belongs. 

So, when he receives the scholarship letter, an opportunity to become the libero, the backbone, for an elite team— everything falls into place. 

“Oh, I can’t believe this day would come,” His mom says, smiling gently at him, “You’re leaving home so soon.”

“It’s okay, mom. I’m not that far away, I’ll come home every holiday,” Hayato states, his one arm on Hanami’s back who is clinging on his waist like a magnet. 

“You better or I’ll make your room mine,” Hikari threatens from her place next to their mom, her face scrunching as she tries to avoid crying. 

“Don’t even think about it, kid,” Hayato replies before crouching down to Hanami’s level. Her eyes and nose are red, her tears streaming down her face nonstop. 

“W-why do you have to leave?” Hanami cries, rubbing her eyes, “Do you not love us anymore?”

Hayato puts both his hands on her shoulders, giving her a comforting smile, “Hey, of course I love you guys. But I need to do this. Where else am I gonna study?”

“At my school…you can sit next to me.”

Hayato laughs, “I’m too big for elementary school, I’m afraid. But don’t worry, Hana-chan, I’ll come home whenever I can and I’ll call whenever you need me. It’ll be like I never leave.”

“You promised?” Hanami holds out her pinky and Hayato hooks his own with hers confidently.

“I promise.”

Hayato ruffles her head affectionately before standing up, adjusting his new sports bag on his shoulder. He looks at the entrance door of the boys’ dorm that they are standing in front of, watching as other students enter the dorm building. He feels his heart thumping loudly against his chest and he exhales. 

“I have to go in now,” Hayato tells his mom. 

His mom smiles again, a mix of pride and sadness before pulling him in her embrace. Hanami follows suit immediately, latching on Hayato’s waist yet again. Hikari, finally letting her ego down, joins in the hug. Hayato feels warm and he smiles, burying his face in his mother’s shoulder.

“Take care of yourself,” His mom whispers, “I love you. Your dad loves you too.”

Hayato holds back a tear and nods, holding on to his family for as long as he can. When they finally let go, Hayato gives them a final grin, assuring them that he will be okay before walking inside the building— the beginning of his new start. 

Shiratorizawa Academy proves to be unforgiving. 

“Team B! Diving laps!”

Hayato groans and dives to the floor with the other members of Team B following suit. His mind keeps replaying his mistakes at the last practice match. So far he has failed to receive more balls than he wants to admit. Somehow every move he made in court seems to be the wrong one. He can feel his teammates’ and Coach Washijou’s eyes following him, judging him throughout the entire practice. 

“Hey,” The first year setter in his team—Semi Eita, was it?—calls, “You good?”

“Yeah. I’m fine,” Hayato replies, almost automatically. 

Semi raises an eyebrow at him, clearly not convinced but he doesn’t say anything further. 

Hayato stares at his arms, all battered and red thanks to intensive practice that they have been doing for a few hours. But despite the bruises and aches, Hayato feels like he is not doing enough. He made so many mistakes during practice— his receives were off, his footwork was not smooth enough, his reactions were too early or too late, the list goes on and on. 

He curses himself again in his head. He is in Shiratorizawa, mistakes like this shouldn’t happen. 

“Everyone gather around!” Coach Saitou calls, snapping Hayato back to reality. Hayato and the rest of the team make their way to where the coaches are standing and sit down. 

“Today’s practice was very productive, thank you everyone,” Coach Saitou states, smiling, “There is some more room for improvement. Make sure to work on that on that next practice. Couch Washijou, anything to say?”

“Don’t lose focus during practice,” Coach Washijou starts, eyeing each and everyone of them, “Satori, make sure your blocking is more solid. Reon, your spikes could use more power. Eita, clean up your sets, it’s sloppy.”

And then, he stares at Hayato. Hayato feels his heart stop.

“Hayato. Do more.”

Hayato stunts. 

“Clean up the gym before you go. Dismiss.”

As everyone stands up to clean up the gym, Hayato’s mind is reeling. Do more?

Is he saying that Hayato is not doing enough? That Hayato is not enough? 

Hayato shakes his head, pushing aside his thoughts. But even as he picks up the stray balls and tries to distract himself, the thought still looms over his head.

The darkness greets him when he opens the door of his dorm room. He turns on the light and closes the door, putting his sports bag on the floor next to his study table before collapsing on his bed. He stares at the empty bed next to his, the one that is meant for a roommate that he never gets. 

It has been two months since the school year started and Hayato feels worse than ever. Everything in Shiratorizawa is overwhelming and lonely. The schoolwork is ten times harder than he is used to, he barely has any friends, volleyball—the one thing he is most confident about—is starting to feel like hell, and everything just feels heavier.

His muscles ache and sore from all the practice he commits himself to, that even the smallest of movements feels overwhelming. Everything feels as if it is too much, so difficult to handle. But at the same time he couldn’t help but feel himself stretched into nothingness. He is frustrated, angry and tired all the time that it makes him feel on edge. Sleep doesn’t come easy and when it does, it feels unfulfilling. 

When he hears his phone ring, Hayato tries to sit up on his bed and shakes off his fatigueness for a bit. His mom’s number flashes on the screen. Hayato calms himself down before finally answering the phone. He hears the rustle of movements and the sound of Hikari singing in the background. He smiles, he feels a little lighter.

“Haya-niisan! I miss you!” Hanami greets happily. Hayato couldn’t help but smile bigger, imagining her in her pajamas with an excited smile on her face.

“Hey, Hana-chan. I miss you too. How are you doing?”

“I got an A in maths! My teacher says I got the highest mark! Are you proud of me?”

“Of course, I’m proud of you. That’s amazing, congrats.”

“Hey, niisan! I miss you! And you would not believe what happened at school today,” Hikari chimes in, which only makes Hayato laugh. He misses Hikari’s gossip.

“Kari-chan, move! I wanna talk to—”

“Hey, you have your turn—”

“Girls, one at a time,” His mom reminds, “Hayato can’t listen to the both of you at the same time.”

“Sorry,” The both of them said at the same time. Hayato laughs again. For the first time in a while he feels like himself again.

The call lasted for an hour. Hearing his sister's stories and laughing along with their shenanigans makes Hayato feel somewhat nostalgic. He hasn’t been able to come home lately because of how busy he is with everything. He wishes he’s there with them, where he gets to taste his mom’s food again, and listens to his sisters’ stories in person while helping them get ready for school. He wishes he is there, where everything is safe and warm and right. 

“Hayato,” His mom says gently after she shoo his sisters away. Her voice is soft, the ones she used when she tells him she loves him. The one that always gives Hayato comfort even through his hard days. Hayato gulps, swallowing the lump on his throat. 

“Yeah?”

“You sound tired, honey,” She says. Hayato could picture her expression softening with concern, “Is everything alright there?”

No, Hayato wants to tell her, Everything is not alright. Everything is hard and I have no friends. I feel so alone, all the time. All I wanna do is go back home and hug you. I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t think I’m strong enough. I think I’m broken, mom.

But Hayato couldn’t tell her that. 

“I’m fine, mom. Everything is fine,” He lies. 

Because that is what it should be. He is supposed to be fine. He is supposed to be okay. He is supposed to be strong.  

Even when he is not.

His mom sighs, “If you say so. Come home soon, okay? I’ll make your favourite.”

“Okay. Good night, mom.”

“Good night, honey. Sweet dreams.”

After his mom hangs up the phone, Hayato throws himself back to his bed and closes his eyes, letting sleep take him. He dreams of nothing. 

The ball is coming right at him. 

He knows he should move. He knows that this is an easy receive. He knows he could just dive for the ball and it will bounce back to the setter. He knows all of this. But still—

That was what he thought before too. He thought the ball was an easy ball to receive only for it to be proven false. He thought the ball would bounce to the setter only for it to go over the net and end up out of bounds. He made all of these moves before and they were wrong. He’s not sure anymore. Which one is it? Should he dive or should he—

Thump.

The ball touches the floor next to him. The whistle blows. Team A has won again. 

“Hayato!” Coach Washijou shouts, making Hayato flinch, “That ball was yours, you’re supposed to move!”

“Sorry, coach,” He lets out. He grits his teeth as he lines up for another diving lap. Why is it so hard for him? 

Practice runs as smoothly as it can be with Hayato trying to minimise every mistake as possible. When everyone packs up their stuff and leaves, Hayato stays rooted in his place with a ball in his hands. 

“Yamagata,” Ushijima calls, startling Hayato, “Aren’t you leaving?”

Hayato gives him a smile and shakes his head, “No. I have to practice more. You guys go ahead, I’ll lock up.”

Ushijima nods and walks out, joining the rest of the team. Hayato sighs and begins another extra few hours of training. 

As the minutes tick by, the gym grows quiet. The only sound that can be heard is the squeaking of his own shoes and the ball thumping on the floor. Every bounce of the ball against the hardwood floor echoes in his ear, mingling with the quickening beat of his heart. His muscles are sore from the training that he is doing and he could himself getting exhausted. Every part of him is yelling at him to stop but he can’t. Not until he fixes everything that is wrong with him.

His mistakes play in his head—his hesitation, his failure to receive the ball. He’s supposed to know this, he has been playing volleyball all his life that everything should have been second nature to him. But today his instinct fails him.

Do more.

He tosses the ball up and dives to receive it. But he’s off by a few and he lands against the floor with a loud thud, his body stings more than usual. His body is shaking from fatigue, his jersey, now wet from sweat, clinging on to him so tight that it somehow makes it impossible to breathe. He couldn’t get up, not when he feels like he might pass out any time soon.

He doesn’t want to stop. But he can’t go on either. His arms and legs are bruising but for some reason he can’t feel the pain. There is a knot tightening in his chest and a lump in his throat. He is just not enough is he? He’s never going to be like his dad. Not when he is so weak.

He wonders what it is like to stop. To drop the ball and walk back to the dorms. To let go of everything. But then he remembers his dad, cold hands holding his own. Can you be strong for me?

He stands up slowly, ignoring the way his body is screaming in pain. He wipes his sweats, forcing himself to forget the exhaustion. He is breaking, he realises. But he can’t stop.

That weekend Hayato decided to come home. 

His sisters greet him warmly, pulling him into a hug. Hayato spends his afternoon catching up with them, their stories and laughter filling his ears like music. Hikari asks so many questions about Shiratorizawa, eager to hear more about Hayato’s exciting adventures. Hayato doesn’t have the heart to tell her the truth, so he tells her about his nonexistent friends and his rigorous volleyball practice. 

His mom made him uni donburi for lunch and Hayato has almost forgotten how much he misses this. The food tasted better than he remembered, melting into his mouth and filling him up just the right way. Suddenly, every heavy weight that rested on his shoulders began to slowly go away with every moment spent with the people he loves most. 

Just for a short moment, Hayato feels at peace.

“I made you some hot chocolate,” His mom slid the cup in front of him. Hot chocolate with three marshmallows, just like how he loves it.

“Thanks, mom,” Hayato grins, taking a sip out of the drink. His mom has always made the best hot chocolate known to mankind. 

“Hayato,” His mom says, “I saw the bruises. Have you been working yourself too hard?”

Hayato subconsciously covers up his arm, hiding the bluish bruise on his arm from his practice last time. His eyes wandered across the living room, taking in every little change that happened when he was away. He doesn’t know how the room could feel so familiar and different at the same time.

“Hayato, be honest with me,” His mom asserts, “Are you really fine?”

Hayato doesn’t want to lie, not anymore. He couldn’t look her in the eyes and tell her that he is fine because he is not. He forgets when was the last time he felt truly fine. But when he looks at her, all he sees is the familiar lines on her face becoming deeper, her laughter that used to be loud are now quieter, the way her hands shake when she passes him his drink just now.

He doesn’t remember when his mom became older. 

A pang of guilt hits him. Has he been away for that long?

Hayato doesn’t want to lie to her. Not when she looks at him with concern, worrying about his well being. 

So, Hayato doesn’t lie. He stays quiet.

His mom sighs, glancing away from him to look at the end table besides her. There is a photo of dad, smiling while holding up a trophy. Hayato remembers that it was the day his dad’s volleyball team won yet another tournament. He was in the audience for that game, cheering on for his dad as loud as he could. His mom loves that picture— says that his dad looks most handsome in it.

“I know that you look up to dad a lot,” His mom mentions, smiling at the picture before looking back at Hayato, “But you don’t have to be strong all the time, Hayato. It’s okay to take things easy.”

Hayato doesn’t respond. His brow furrow, trying to wrap his head around the idea. He couldn’t remember a time where he wasn't pushing himself to be stronger, better. He has tried so hard to keep his promise to his dad, to make sure that his family carries as little burden as possible. But there are always voices in his head telling him that he is not doing enough.

Hayato feels a knot in his chest, the words stuck in his throat. He doesn’t know if he can fit ‘taking it easy’ in his world, he doesn’t know if he deserves to rest. He glances at the picture of his dad, his open mouth grin staring back at Hayato.

Yamagata Koji was something like a superhero. He has always made it seem easy, he has always been invincible. His dad has strength as his superpower and when he was gone, Hayato shaped himself to be the one to shoulder that role. The idea of taking it easy feels foreign to him— almost as if it is not meant for him.

His mom smiles at him again, a little sadder. She squeezes his arm and stands up. Before leaving, she looks back at him, “Think about it, okay?”

Hayato nods, watching as his mother’s figure walks away. He lets the idea stay in the back of his mind.

“Okay, stop right there.”

Hayato halts in his steps. Standing at the door of the gym are Semi Eita and Ushijima Wakatoshi. Semi has his arms crossed, looking at Hayato with narrowed eyes and Ushijima has the same neutral look on his face, holding his hand up to greet Hayato.

“What are you guys doing?” Hayato asks, adjusting his grip on the ball in his hand.

“Practice ended. We are going to eat.” Semi tells him.

“Oh, okay. I’m just gonna stay a bit for more practice. So—”

“No, you’re not,” Semi says sternly, “I saw you collapsing at the gym last week. Face it, Yamagata, you’re tired.”

“What? No, I’m not. I’m perfectly fine!”

“Who are you fooling? We all saw the bruises on your arms and legs.”

“That? Please, it barely feels like anything! The dive I was practicing was just a real pain in the net.”

Semi and Ushijima stare back at him blankly. 

“Get it? Cause I was playing volleyball and diving so—”

“I can’t believe you just said that to me,” Semi comments, rolling his eyes. 

Hayato grins, “Now, if you excused me, I’m gonna practice more—”

“No. Wakatoshi help me out here.”

“But I do want to practice as—”

“No, Wakatoshi,” Semi sighs, “Come on, Yamagata. Join us.”

Hayato is hesitant. He wants to practice, he needs to practice. He’s not anywhere near perfect enough, every mistake he has made lingers at the back of his mind like a sore reminder. Every bone in his body screams at him to just let it go, just get some rest. But the voices in his head are relentless, telling him that if he stops now when is he going to improve? When is he going to be enough?

“Rest is an important part of being an athlete,” Ushijima states, interrupting his thoughts, “You can’t improve yourself if you are hurt. Even the best need to recharge.”

Hayato looks at the two of them, finding himself caught in a dilemma. The weight of exhaustion bears him down but the idea of stopping feels like giving up. His mind flashbacks to his mom, the way she smiles at him and tells him that it is okay to take it easy. 

Perhaps it is time to try that.

His shoulders slump with a sigh and he caves, “Fine, let’s go.”

Semi grins at him, thankful that he is following through. Ushijima only nods, though his face expresses a sense of content. For the first time ever, Hayato let himself rest up. Just a bit.

⌗

It’s during his third year that he finally breaks.

Nothing but silence fills his head as the ball drops to their side of the court.

He doesn’t register much on what happened. He hears the cheers of Karasuno’s supporter, the disappointment from Shiratorizawa’s own. He sees his teammates, his second family, gritting their teeth and crying. He remembers putting his arm around Tsutomu, holding him close as he sobs. 

He remembers gathering with his teammates in front of the coaches, he remembers standing during the award ceremony, he remembers the ride back to campus where Tsutomu sleeps on his shoulder the entire time. He remembers it all and yet— he couldn’t feel anything. 

His mind keeps replaying the last game, how he dives to save the ball only for him to be too late. The ball landed on their side of the court and they lost. Three years of glory, three years of invincibility, three years of hard work— all goes down the drain just like that. It is hard to wrap his head around their loss, not when he is so used to winning. 

When they get back to the campus, the Shiratorizawa third years lounges together in the locker room. Silence fills the air for a while, each of them not sure of what to say. 

“That was our last game,” Eita says, hoarse from all the crying, “I can’t believe it all ended just like that. We’re not going to nationals.”

“We did our best. That’s what matters,” Reon adds, smiling, “I guess it was unexpected but things can happen in a game.”

“I was just not expecting us to end so soon,” Eita sighs, leaning in his seat. The rest of them hum in agreement. 

“That was my last volleyball game ever,” Satori mentions, grinning, “So, I would like to be the first to say that it was an honour spending the last three years playing alongside you guys.”

“That’s true. I’m going to miss this,” Reon agrees. 

Hayato feels an ache in his heart, the tears that he held back threatening to spill but he forces himself to calm down. Instead, he grins, “You guys are so cheesy. When I go pro, I’m gonna tell my teammates about how weird you guys are.”

“Please,” Eita rolls his eyes, “You’re not that normal either. Your new teammates are going to suffer through all of your bad puns.”

“Excuse you,” Hayato gasps, offended, “My puns are legendary!”

“What about you, Wakatoshi? Anything to say?” Satori asks. Everyone turns to look at their captain, who gives out a tiny smile.

“Thank you for the past three years. All of you have been the best team that I could ever hope for. I’m proud to call all of you my friends.”

“Now you’ve done it, Wakatoshi,” Satori announces, “It’s time for a group hug!”

Before Hayato could comprehend, he is squished in between Reon and Eita as the five of them huddle together in a group hug. Hayato doesn’t know who’s holding his back and who he is hugging but it doesn’t matter. He let himself stay in that hug, pushing away the gnawing sadness in his heart. 

He ignores the guilt that festers inside of him, for not receiving the ball. He ignores the voices in his head telling him that he is not enough. He ignores every pain and every sadness that makes its home inside of him. He can’t let them know, he needs to be strong right now. They can’t see him break.

They finally let go of each other and decided to meet their juniors in the gym. Hayato is the last to leave the room, closing the door behind him. Before he could move any further though, he is stopped by Tsutomu standing in front of him, his eyes still red.

“Tsutomu? What’s up?”

“I wanted to thank you, Yamagata-san,” Tsutomu says, looking down at his feet, “Thank you for being strong for us. For me. Thank you for holding me when I cried.”

“Hey, it’s no biggie. I’m your senior, aren’t I? I need to support you guys.”

“Still,” Tsutomu looks at him, his eyes gleaming, “It must have been cool to be that strong.”

Something in Hayato snaps. 

As Tsutomu says his goodbyes and runs back to the gym, all Hayato still feels his words repeating in his head. 

All of his life, he dedicates it to being like his dad. He tells himself he needs to be just like him, tells himself that he is fulfilling his promise to his dad. He needs to be strong, needs to be invincible, needs to be the irresistible force. He wears himself to the ground, carrying all of these burdens on his shoulders. Over the years, the burdens keep adding up and the weight on his shoulders keep getting heavier. But no matter how many bruises he has, how many chores he takes on, how much studying he does— it’s never enough.

Tsutomu tells him that it must have been cool to be that strong. But it makes Hayato realise that he has to face reality. The image of his dad, the unshakable pillar of strength, seems so far away now, like an unreachable goal that he wasn’t meant to achieve.

Yamagata Koji was something like a superhero. 

Hayato is not. He can’t do this anymore.

He is weak. 

That is the painful truth that he has to swallow. He can’t hold up his end of the promise any longer. He can no longer pretend. He can’t be strong for his dad anymore. Tears sting his eyes and for the first time since his dad’s funeral, Hayato cries. 

When Hayato visits home again that weekend, there is only his mom.

Hayato sits down on the sofa in the living room, biting down on the cookies his mom had baked. He let his eyes wander, taking in the new decorations that his mom had put up when he was away. Yet some things stay the same, like the picture of his dad at the end table. 

“Is something wrong, Hayato?” His mom asks. She had asked him that question so many times over the years and not once did he tell her the truth. Everything is always fine with him. But he knows he can no longer lie.

He glances at the picture of his dad. He memorised everything about the picture— the way his dad smiles with his mouth open, his whiskers dimples on his cheeks and his hands holding up the trophy so proudly. There is never a day that Hayato doesn’t miss him, his presence everlasting in his memory. But yet—

“Is it bad,” Hayato starts, his voice shaking, “That I don’t remember what his voice sounds like anymore?”

His mom doesn’t say anything but instead opt to hold his hand in hers, her hands feel frail compared to his rough ones.

“I miss him,” Hayato confesses, “But I can’t even remember how his hugs feel anymore. I just know it was my favourite thing.”

“Honey,” His mom calls, gripping his hand tight, “That’s normal. Your dad was gone a really long time ago. Doesn’t mean you love him any less.”

Hayato sighs, staying quiet, trying to calm himself. 

“I’m sorry, mom,” He says, “I promised dad that I would be strong for him. All these years I tried so much to be like him, I tried so much to…to make life easier for you and Hikari and Hanami. I do all of the chores, I take care of everything that I can, I keep things to myself because I don’t want to add more things to your plate. I tried so hard…so hard to be strong that I—”

He chokes, his words unable to leave him. His mom waits for him patiently, her hand still holding his own.

“I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be strong anymore. I failed you, I failed Hanami and Hikari, I failed my team— I…I failed dad. I’m not a superhero like dad is. I’m weak.”

Hayato doesn’t know when it happens, when his tears start streaming down his face. All he knows is that he can’t stop. He lets his mom pull him into a hug, her hands wrap around his figure and he buries his face in her shoulder, letting her warmth consume him. 

“The world has been harsh on you, hasn't it?” His mom whispers. Hayato feels his chest tightens, “I’m so sorry that you feel like you need to carry all these burdens alone. I’m sorry for everything, Hayato.”

She pulls away so she can look at him, offering him a comforting smile.

“Your dad wasn’t always strong. He has his moments where he is crying or where everything feels hard to him,” His mom recalls, “Your dad is just a human. And so are you.”

His mom moves her hands to his arms, holding him steady, “You’re not weak just because you feel like giving up. You’re not a failure to anyone. Not to your family or your friends. Being strong doesn’t mean that you need to shoulder everything on your own— it’s about being able to stand up again even when you can’t do it anymore.”

Hayato allows his mom’s words to sink in. For the first time, he allows himself to feel the overwhelming feeling of sadness, anger, frustration—everything that he has kept in himself since a long time ago. It feels sharp and heavy but it is a release. 

He is not invincible and that is okay. 

“Thank you, mom,” He smiles. His shoulders feel a little lighter than it ever has been and he feels relief. 

“You’re welcome, honey,” She leans in and kisses his temple, briefly.

Hayato glances at his dad’s photo once again, finding himself smiling. The knot in his chest untangling. 

“Do you think dad is proud of me?”

“Hayato,” His mom says, smiling gently, “There’s never a day that he is not proud of you.”

Hayato feels warmth filling him inside, a sensation that gives him hope that he will be fine. Truly, this time.

Yamagata Koji was something like a superhero. Hayato wanted to be just like him.

But he is not. 

And that is okay.