Chapter Text
She was sick before she did it, before she took the old god's soul.
Solas has been angry ever since. She doesn't regret it. Not for a moment, because she feels like she's on even ground now. He pulls his people back from the remnants of the Inquisition and he leaves them in peace.
He has taken Mythal's soul and he has killed so many of her people, why should she not take something for herself? The old god's soul will keep them all safe.
She feels everything more keenly.
Colors are brighter. Sounds are clearer. But more importantly, she sees why she has felt so strange the last few months. When she finally tells him, and she will, soon, he'll forgive her for taking the soul and they will move forward.
It will be alright again.
She sews the tiny blanket while he's gone and hides it when he returns.
He begs her to release the soul.
"You have nothing to fear from me," he says, "You don't need it."
But she does. It is the only thing holding him back. It's keeping her people safe because he listens again. She loves him so much and though he claims he feels the same way, she can't help but wonder.
When the blanket is finished, she folds it and writes "To papae" on parchment and wraps them up with the pretty ribbon Cole finds. She wants to see Solas' face when the realization hits. She thinks he will be pleased, or at the very least, he will be pleasantly surprised.
She never thought she would ever have this chance. So many times she thought she would die in battle, or she believed Solas was lost to her forever. She almost can't believe how her life has changed. He is angry now, but they are together.
This child will be loved.
He disappears for three days. The gift waits. She runs out of things to do so she starts piecing together tiny shirts and socks and little things she remembers her clan mates making for expectant parents.
When Cole visits her, he brings her new thread and pretty buttons. He helps her pick the colors for each shirt. She teaches him how to thread a needle and gives him pieces of scrap cloth to practice his stitches. He wants to make something for the baby.
And she is so angry with Solas for leaving, for not telling her he was going away.
She imagines elaborate punishments she would never dare carry out. Cole soothes her temper. He makes her laugh. When Solas does return, the worst of her anger is gone. She doesn't wait for him to come to her, she finds him in his study and when he looks up she doesn't understand the look he gives her.
"I was about to send for you," he says, and his voice sounds so strange.
She sets his present on his desk and she is so nervous, she doesn't know how to begin. He doesn't even look at it.
"I have something to tell you," she says, but he stops her.
He takes both her hands and looks into her eyes, and she feels the first prickling of fear. He has never looked at her like this. Too intense. Cold.
"In a moment," he says, "I'm sorry, vhenan, but this can't wait. It is too important."
She does not understand but she wants to pull away. His grip is too tight and she can't.
"What are you doing?" she asks, tries to laugh and smile, but then, all she feels is pain.
She feels the old god's soul inside her, she feels it tearing as he rips it out of her. She feels its magic dying and she is screaming.
When the pain finally stops, she falls to her knees. She is numb. She is so cold.
"What have you done?'" she asks. Her throat is raw.
He kneels beside her and now his eyes are soft. He smiles and kisses her. She can't push him away. The room is spinning. She is going to be sick.
"You will be fine now," he says, "It was hurting you. I had no choice, my love."
But there is a sharp pain low in her belly, lancing all the way through her back, and it is worse than anything she has ever felt. She can barely see through the haze that settles over her. She can't breathe. She claws at him, trying to stay upright but then the pain is worse and she's crumbling.
She presses her hand to the pain and she feels warmth seeping through her clothes. She looks down and sees blood. Her hands are red. It has already soaked through her smalls and her pants and the front of her shirt.
She hears him say something but she doesn't understand. There is nothing in the world but this pain.
"What have you done?" she shouts.
And then she hits him and her blood smears across his cheek.
Some of the pain dulls and she realizes he's trying to heal her. He's screaming for Abelas, for help. He doesn't understand. It's already too late.
"You killed our baby," she says.
"What did you say?" he asks. His spell breaks off and her muscles contract. The force of it makes her scream. She hits him again. And again.
There is so much blood.
And then Abelas is there and a healer and it is still already too late. She knows. She feels it. The child is gone.
He is asleep at her bedside when she wakes. Her blood has dried on his face. He hasn't bothered to clean it.
"Get out," she says and her throat feels dry and cracked.
He stirs and his eyes are bloodshot. He doesn't understand at first but she doesn't care. She is empty. She is empty. She is empty.
"Get out," she screams, because all she feels is pain and that terrible emptiness and it is his fault.
"I am so sorry, I didn't know," he says, "I wouldn't have if I'd thought---if I'd realized---please---" And he tries to take her hand. He tries to hold on to her but she can't stand the thought of him touching her. She can't look at him. She can't hear his voice right now. She just can't.
his fault his fault his fault
When she tries to move, she almost blacks out. It is all too much. He climbs into bed and wraps his arms around her.
And he is crying.
"I am sorry," he says, "I am so sorry." He keeps saying it and it means nothing. He tightens his hold when she pushes him. He is hurting her again. She can't make him stop.
The healers finally pull him away. They give him to Abelas who looks at her with sad eyes before he takes Solas away.
"When can I leave?" she asks.
The healers give each other knowing looks. They fuss over her and make sympathetic noises. They speak in soothing tones and tell her to give herself time. Forgive him. He loves her so much.
She doesn't care. She never wants to see him again. She never wants to see any of them again.
She leaves with Cole when she feels well enough and the healers doze off. She is not coming back.