Chapter Text
Xie Lian. That was the name they gave him. He liked it. It felt right when he was called that. His life hadn't been bad so far, though he was constantly reminded never to call it that. It wasn't life. He was an android created with an essential purpose. But, he did enjoy talking with the researchers during the experiments. Sometimes, he felt he could call them his friends, though he never dared to. There was no reason to rock the boat.
There were certain things he wished he could ask for. Xie Lian wanted to see the world beyond that facility. He wanted to see the stars. He wanted to see the sunrise. He wanted to see plants and flowers. They were beautiful in pictures, but he knew they would be so much more firsthand. He wasn't allowed to leave, though. Not yet. He was too important, a secret too well kept. They would constantly placate him with promises of the future, that once everything was ready, he could see the world and explore all he wanted.
It seemed like he was special. There were other androids. He saw them sometimes, but they didn't seem like him. The researchers encouraged him to imagine, to dream, to think. They wanted him to be as human as possible, and Xie Lian thought he was human. He knew he was made of wires and materials that he didn't quite understand, but he looked human. He had his own desires and personality. Surely that was all he needed to be human, right? The other androids were nice, but Xie Lian could tell they didn't think for themselves. He was the only one they'd managed to get right so far. That was why there were so many tests with him. They needed to figure out what they'd done differently and why he could be his own person, whereas every other android was walking a path specifically designed for them with no signs of free will.
"You've done so much for us," The researcher smiled at him, his genuine gratitude clear.
Xie Lian had met this one before, though he couldn't place their name. He'd seen so many people, all for different things. After a while, everything began to blend together.
Xie Lian offered his own smile, "I know how important this is for you."
"Still, you've been very accommodating. I know I'd hate to be poked and prodded like this all the time."
"It's necessary," Xie Lian shrugged and started nervously playing with the ends of his hair. He never liked these kinds of discussions. They were just a reminder that he was different, that he was nothing but a machine with a purpose.
"Well, the good news is that we won't be needing to do this anymore," Though they were still smiling, it was obvious that there was something they weren't saying.
"So... I can go?" Xie Lian raised an eyebrow and waited for the other shoe to drop.
"We have gotten to a stage where we are confident we can replicate you," He drew out the word and seemed to realise Xie Lian's gaze was one of annoyance and quickly switched tactics, "Your ability to think and feel for yourself, I mean."
"My humanity," Xie Lian supplied, though he knew no one there ever attributed that word to him.
"So, you have achieved your purpose," He said as he stared down at the screen in his hand.
Xie Lian frowned, "That's not what they said my purpose was."
The researcher looked up at him almost apologetically as he tried to explain, "You're right. The big reason you were made was different. But you became a stepping stone. Because of all that you've done for us, we can reach the end goal. Without you, it wouldn't be possible."
Xie Lian had never really considered that his role in everything would be much smaller and yet so much bigger than he'd always believed it to be. It felt good to be needed; "I'm glad I could help."
"So today, I just need you to answer a few questions and see how you're feeling before we begin the deactivation process."
In an instant, Xie Lian froze, staring forward as he tried to process what had just been said. No matter how he thought about it, it didn't make sense, "The deactivation process..."
The man frowned, seeming almost as confused as Xie Lian was, "Was that not clear?"
It wasn't. Xie Lian had done everything they wanted. He'd been polite and kind; he'd answered every question and had accepted every test. He'd done everything in his power to help them. Because that's what he was made for. No, that wasn't the reason. He did it because he cared and believed them when they said it was all for a good cause. He believed them when they said that it wouldn't be forever, but this wasn't what he thought they meant.
Xie Lian's voice broke over his words, "But… th-they said I could see the stars."
"We could arrange for someone to escort you out to do that beforehand," He said it as though he was doing Xie Lian a favour, like this was the most generous offer he would receive.
"I did everything you wanted," Xie Lian had never felt this way before. There were tears in his eyes. His hands were shaking, and he clenched his fists in an attempt to make it stop. He'd never felt sick before, but there was an empty feeling in the pit of his stomach, a knot twisting deep inside him. It was a feeling he never wanted to experience. For the first time, he wished they hadn't made him so real.
"And we appreciate it. A lot of lives will be saved because of you," Despite his words, he was busy writing something on the screen in front of him. Apparently, Xie Lian's reaction was worth noting down.
"And that's not worth mine!?" He hadn't expected it from himself. Xie Lian had never raised his voice to any of them before.
"You're not…" He sighed, "You're not alive. You're just a--"
"A tool!?" He'd heard it a thousand times before. Every time he tried to tell them he was alive, every time he mentioned his humanity, he was reminded that he was a machine. Maybe it was just what they told themselves to make this moment easier, "You made me like this. You're not deactivating me. You're killing me!"
"You aren't human," His voice had become stern, like a parent trying to put an end to a child's tantrum, "We've told you not to think like that."
"And you gave me the free will to think however I want," He didn't know it was possible to be so consumed by so many emotions at once. Fear. Confusion. Distress. Rage. The tears were staining his cheeks, but he didn't care. They needed to see how human he really was, "You all said I was made to help you stop them, so why aren't you letting me?"
"Because you don't work," The researcher said sternly, and a silence suddenly fell between them. It was like a sudden slap to the face, leaving Xie Lian shocked. He'd been told so many times that he was the key to all of this. No one had ever told him he was broken, "You are perfect as you are for our needs, but your blood, the fluid we have keeping your systems operating smoothly, it doesn't do what it's supposed to."
"What?" Xie Lian looked down at his hands as if they might somehow hold all the answers he was looking for. They had filled him with numerous liquids designed to mimic the bodily functions of a human. The blood had always been the most important, and it looked like the real thing, so why…? "But I feel fine."
The researcher shifted closer, leaning in to ensure Xie Lian was paying attention, "It's likely that your blood will repulse them, but it won't kill them. That makes you a liability. The moment one tries to get you, they'll know what we've been doing."
"So, fill me with blood that works."
"We're still working on the right formula for that—something that will work with an Android's systems while still being deadly and enticing." He offered Xie Lian an apologetic smile, "Even if we had something, we'd have to turn you off and completely drain you. We can't be sure that you would be you anymore, and it's likely that it wouldn't be compatible with your systems anyway."
"So, I'm useless," Xie Lian had never known a time when he wasn't useful, wasn't providing some kind of service by merely existing. He wasn't sure if it was the machine in him or some part of his humanity, but he hated it. He needed to be of use. He needed to have some kind of purpose. They had given him one, and it had been enough for so long, but now it was gone. They said they no longer needed the one thing he had helped them with, "Please, I'm sure I could do something…"
"You've already done so much more than you know," The researcher reassured, "Now we just need you to accept that deactivation is the next step."
Perhaps it was another experiment, another test. They wanted him to think and act for himself, but they also wanted Xie Lian to naturally comply with anything they said. Even if it meant death. Before, it hadn't felt like there were any rights or wrongs to the tests. They had simply wanted to see his reactions and figure out if they were natural or if he was merely going through the motions like every other android they'd made. This was the first time it seemed like there was an answer they clearly wanted. They wanted Xie Lian to allow it. He wasn't even sure if they were really planning to do it. But they must be. This wouldn't need to be tested if they weren't. Xie Lian had two options in front of him. He could accept that he was nothing more than a machine that had been built for human needs, he could accept that his purpose had been fulfilled and it was now time to shut down indefinitely. He could accept that his existence would be a threat to their plans. Or, Xie Lian could find his own purpose, reject them all, and do the one thing he'd only ever wanted to do; live. That was really what they were asking of him. That was the decision he had to make, one which they were firmly weighing in one direction.
Life or death.
It was mostly instinct that made the decision for him. Xie Lian had stopped thinking. He simply did what his body felt was right, and what felt right was to swipe his arms across the desk in front of him, knocking everything to the ground in a loud crash and startling the researcher before him. He had no time to consider his options anymore, no time to ask for forgiveness. He had to use the chaos and run.
Xie Lian was halfway down the hall before he really started thinking again. What was he doing? Where was he going? These people had given him everything; was he really just going to throw it all away and betray them like this? For what? To live just a little bit longer? He wasn't even sure what living was, not really. Life for him had always been those white hallways, being poked at, asked boring questions, and always denied any of his requests. He hadn't truly been allowed to live.
But there was nothing he wanted more in the world.
Without warning, the bleached walls were stained red, and the lights were shifting to crimson. Xie Lian had never seen anything like it before. Every room, every hall had always been that blinding white that he'd grown accustomed to—never this. He flinched as a blaring siren began to sound throughout the building. This was his fault. It had to be. He'd gone against them, and punishment was coming.
Trying to think logically through the fog of panic that was beginning to set in, Xie Lian knew his options were slim. Yes, he knew his way around that building well, but he needed clearances. They had always scanned cards or fingerprints to open doors everywhere he had been. He wouldn't be allowed through. Tricking someone into helping him was out of the question. There wasn't a soul in that building who didn't know who he was, and they undoubtedly knew that the alarm was for him. No one would help him. He was alone.
Xie Lian did the only thing that made sense; he ran. He kept running down hallways, attempting to open any door he saw. Occasionally, a door would open, but he would peek inside and see more people. More people who would take him back to be turned off. He had to find somewhere and fast. There was no doubt in his mind that people would soon be flooding the halls, searching everywhere for him. If he was as important as they said, they wouldn't simply let him run away.
He wasn't sure how many doors he tried until one finally opened. It was dark inside, but he was out of options. Throwing himself into the dimly lit room, Xie Lian closed the door behind him as silently as possible. It was when he turned around that he realised the mistake he'd made. It was no wonder that it was one of the only doors that opened. Xie Lian had found himself in a room full of cleaning supplies, stationery, and appliances he'd never seen before. He was in a storage closet. A dead end. He couldn't stay there forever. In fact, the more time he spent there, the more danger he was in. They would check. They would find him. Xie Lian needed to keep moving.
Placing his hand on the doorknob, Xie Lian was about to step back out into the hall when he heard rushed footsteps just beyond the door. He jolted away like he'd been burned, backing up so quickly and suddenly that he ended up knocking into one of the shelves. Landing in a heap on the floor, Xie Lian stared at the door with tears welling in his eyes. They had to have heard him. The only thing that may have obscured the sound was the alarm, but those steps sounded too close. They knew he was there.
His suspicions were confirmed when he watched the door begin to open, the crimson light bleeding into the darkness. Xie Lian choked on a sob and pulled his knees to his chest, hiding his face in them as his whole body shook. He'd never known how afraid he could truly feel, never known how crippling an emotion could be.
The door slammed shut, and frantic steps filled the room. It seemed the decision had been made for him after all. He was going to die alone in the shadows of a tiny, meaningless closet.