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Chay sat alone by the edge of the pool, his gaze hypnotized by his feet swaying slowly back and forth in the water while his mind was distant. It had thankfully mostly cooled off lately with the end of monsoon season, but there was a strange humidity in the air. Or maybe it was just the lack of breeze making it feel stale.
It had been a few months since Porsche had up and moved them (again) to the minor family mansion. He kept claiming it was so he could be there for work and to consult with Pete and Vegas but since Porsche still spent most of his time with Kinn at the major family compound, Chay figured it had more to do with skipping his interview and pretending to attend university for a few weeks.
In his own defense, Chay didn’t even realize it had been that long (and in his meaner moments, he honestly didn’t think Porsche would notice). Then one day Porsche barged into his room while he was idly strumming his guitar and watching the rain fall on Bangkok from up high (the only thing he liked about living in the compound) and demanded to know why he hadn’t been attending university.
What had followed was one of the worst fights they had ever had. Contrary to what a scared Kinn (and a cackling Thankhun with popcorn) had obviously thought, the two did fight on occasion. They were brothers, both with different (and often clashing) views on what was best and stubborn as well. It was inevitable, but this was different. Porsche had seemed more confused than upset, often staring at Chay like he’d never seen him before. This only further fueled the pain Chay was feeling over the whole situation and what his life had become. Chay said a lot of things, many of them harsh and more than a little cruel, and in the end had broken down near hysterical in tears as Porsche held him close for the first time in far too long and sobbed along with him.
Flash forward to near the end of October and while things weren’t fully fixed, Porsche was making more of an effort and Chay could respect that. He understood he wasn’t the center of Porsche’s world any more and honestly in a lot of ways he couldn’t be happier. He felt less guilty over the stress raising him was obviously causing his brother, regardless of how much easier he always tried to make things for him. He also felt less smothered now that Porsche had more people to spread his love to. His hia has always had the biggest heart in his opinion, but as the sole recipient of that love, it could be a lot of pressure in its own right sometimes.
But he was getting sidetracked. Now that things with Porsche were going somewhere (for better or worse), he unfortunately had more time to think about Kim and that whole situation.
He sighed again and stared up at the full moon in the cloudless sky, praying for some clarity. Or at least less of a headache.
“Something on your mind?”
Chay screamed and nearly jumped out of the pool. He quickly looked to his right and was surprised to see a bodyguard standing next to him. It was strange, Chay didn’t even hear him approach. He didn’t think he was that out of it. Even stranger, it was clearly a main family bodyguard, judging by the suit (which he privately agreed with Kinn were classier than the minor family Hawaiian shirts).
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” the guard asked, still looking up at the moon. “You just seemed to be lost in thought.”
“No, it’s ok,” Chay replied after catching his breath. “I just didn’t expect anyone else to be out here.”
Which was a bit of an understatement, if he was being honest. Normally the main family guards, besides being not here, rarely interacted with him besides disdainful looks. The minor family guards were kinder at least. They just looked at him curiously, like Chay was a new puppy and they were waiting to see what tricks he knew. At first Chay felt offended, but then…well…then he met Macau.
A LOT of things about the minor family made more sense after meeting Macau.
Unfortunately, thinking about Macau again only brought his confusion back. He heaved a deep sigh.
“Want to talk about it?”
Chay nearly jumped again. This guy was too quiet, even for a bodyguard. Even one that worked for the main family. He looked over and saw the guard was actually sitting at the pool’s edge with him, his legs also in the water. Something about the image struck a discordant note with Chay, like playing a song on an out of tune guitar, but he couldn’t quite place what exactly. The guard was still looking up at the moon, his ponytail sort of swaying in the breeze.
Wait…
Chay scrunched his eyebrows and shook his head from the strange thoughts. He must be tired, he thought to himself.
“Boy trouble?”
“Is it that obvious?” Chay replied, hunching his shoulders in embarrassment.
“Those are some pretty heavy sighs for someone so young,” the guard added, a slight smile to his lips. He was finally looking at Chay. He was young, maybe around Porsche’s age. Chay couldn’t help but notice how relaxed he looked. Most of the guards, main or minor, always had a tenseness about them that Chay didn’t even notice until he saw this one lacking it. Maybe that’s why Chay felt like he could talk to this guard. Wasn’t there a saying about being able to share with strangers more easily than with friends or something? Maybe he was just trying to justify it to himself.
“There was this…guy. He was my tutor for guitar,” Chay started, not wanting to give away Kim’s identity to a main family guard. No need to spread rumors. “Long story short, it turns out he was just using me, he wasn’t interested in me at all even though he knew I was interested in him.
“I plucked up all my courage and confessed. I wasn’t looking for anything back, I was just happy that I was brave enough to say anything. But then he didn’t let me go. He encouraged me, in his own awkward way. And I was so happy. I just wanted to know everything about him.
“But in the end it was all a lie. He was just using me. And after he got what he wanted, he ghosted me.”
“That must have been really hard,” the guard responded as Chay paused, throat clogged with emotion as he thought about all those feelings post-kidnapping.
“It would have been fine,” he added after he collected himself a bit, “if he kept ghosting me. But he keeps showing up and pushing me away. Always playing hot and cold.
“And it is all so FRUSTRATING!” Chay found himself yelling into the night sky, the eerie silence echoing his voice. The emotion all of a sudden felt overwhelming and came out in one loud burst, leaving him feeling strangely drained.
“But that’s not what’s confusing you,” the guard asked, staring into Chay’s eyes as his circling thoughts came back again.
Chay paused. This was the thought he hadn’t shared with anyone else yet. Not even Thankhun, who somehow knew all about his drama with Kim. He couldn’t share it with Pete or Vegas, who had been surprisingly understanding and helpful about his confusion and ignorance with the role he now unwittingly had in this family since Porsche wore the minor family head ring. Not Porsche who he felt like he was sadly relearning who he was, having changed so much from working for and now dating Kinn.
And definitely not with Macau. Macau who had been a chaotic force of friendship, a whirlwind of neverending activity since Chay moved in. Always inviting him to game or share a snack or even just chill and listen to music. They worked out together, ate meals together, went drinking together.
Together, together, together.
And it was slowly driving Chay mad.
“I thought…after him, I wouldn’t want to be with someone else,” Chay practically whispered. “Nor did I think he’d let me. But I found myself…crushing…on someone…new.”
Chay ended with a whisper, a crimson blush staining his cheeks as he focused back on the moon again, unable to look this compassionate guard in the eyes.
“That’s the problem with falling for a Theerapanyakun,” the guard started, their positions reversing as Chay whipped his head to look at him while the guard was now gazing fondly and sadly at the moon again, clearly lost in his own memories. “It consumes you, changes you in ways you never thought possible. I suppose that’s true of all love, but there’s something different about those men. It latches on no matter how much it hurts, how much THEY hurt you. They rip your very heart out and you still can’t help but keep staring, keep following. Even if you don’t want to.
“And I know Khun Kim hurt you, deeply, Khun Porchay,” the guard began again after a pause, turning to finally look at a now standing Chay as he jumped and backed away slightly in shock and fear, “and there is no excuse for that. I’m not trying to make light of what he did to you, the lines he crossed and the trust he betrayed. Just please don’t doubt yourself. It’s probably not worth much, but he does truly love you, at least in the only way he knows how, even if it wasn’t and probably won’t ever be enough.”
The denial was at the tip of Chay’s tongue when he paused in shock as sudden recognition hit him while looking at that face.
“Wait, I know you. You’re that guard that rescued me and hia from that warehouse with p’Kim. I’m sorry, I don’t think I ever got your name.”
The guard greeted him with deep respect and informed him his name was Big.
Big stood up from the oddly rippleless water as Chay greeted him, mind still in shock yet also thinking about what the ponytailed man had said. He stood there, water dripping around him while staring at Big’s strangely dry shoed feet.
Huh?
Shaking his head to clear it slightly, he looked back up at Big, noticing he had a kind smile as he patiently waited for Chay to collect his thoughts.
“In case no one said it earlier, thank you for rescuing me and hia,” Chay said, partly in earnest, partly to stall for time, and partly in an attempt to change the conversation.
Because he was looking so closely, he noticed how Big’s kind smile quickly melted into annoyance at the mention of his brother. Chay couldn’t help but chuckle at that, knowing full well the chaos his brother could cause and not even being able to imagine what that must have been like for his coworkers.
“I am just eternally glad we got there in time. To save you ,” Big replied, his annoyed look morphing to a rueful smirk as Chay chuckled again.
“I take it my brother left an impression on you?”
“You’re brother is an absolute ass ,” Big replied with full enthusiasm. Chay couldn’t help but laugh outright at that. He also couldn’t help but notice the smirk changed again into a fond smile.
“He very much can be. Still, he has a way of getting under your skin and growing on you. It can be incredibly annoying,” Chay added, his face scrunched up. Big chuckled in response, neither agreeing or disagreeing.
“Perhaps that’s what Khun Kinn sees in him,” Big added, his smile turning slightly pained which clued Chay in to perhaps just which Theerapanyakun had stolen this guard’s heart. Noticing the look on his face, Big continued.
“I have loved and protected Khun Kinn for a very long time. It led to some of the happiest moments in my life. I made some of my proudest memories, some of my worst decisions, and also some of my most hurt and betrayed feelings. Your brother was not a small part of all of those.”
Chay could definitely imagine what it was like to love someone and how much it must hurt to be around them every day as they ignored you or were with other people.
“I’m sorry. Did p’Kinn know about your feelings?” Chay couldn’t help but ask, curiosity getting the better of him. He didn’t want to think badly of Kinn, exactly, but…
“I want to believe he wouldn’t be that cruel, regardless of his role as a mafia crime lord, but I have been reluctantly informed that I was perhaps quite obvious,” Big replied ruefully, almost nostalgic. “Then again,” he added, his face scrunching up, “Khun Kinn was never the brightest crayon in the box when it came to emotions. I don’t envy your brother there at least.”
Chay couldn’t help but laugh loudly in shock as he nodded in agreement. He had never heard a guard criticize Kinn that way but…well…it was accurate. Privately he wondered if his brother being somewhat the same would lead to more fights or save them from them in ignorance.
Something about this shock must have shown on his face, despite his laughter, causing Big to reply, “I seem to have a lot of time for reflection lately.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, are you still…recovering? Were you injured?” Chay asked, noticing suddenly how pale Big looked. He had chalked it up to being dark and something with the moonlight, but now he wasn’t so sure.
“But we’re getting off track,” Big replied with a sad smile, immediately crashing Chay’s mood again. He sat down on the ground once more, Big following. “I wanted to apologize to you as well. I didn’t agree with what Khun Kim was doing, but it wasn’t my place to stop him, even if I should have. You didn’t deserve that.”
Even having heard a (shitty) apology from Kim before, this somehow made Chay tear up, finally feeling like someone had acknowledged his pain. Maybe it was because Big had probably felt something similar from Kinn. He couldn’t help but lean forward, resting against Big as he put his arms around him in an awkward hug, shivering a little at the cold touch. How long had Big been out there? Had he?
“But Khun Porchay, it wasn’t your fault. None of it. And more importantly, you don’t owe Khun Kim anything. Not your time, not your forgiveness, not your thoughts, and certainly not your heart,” Big whispered into Chay’s hair. “No matter how much he stalks you,” Big added, gaining a watery chuckle from Chay.
Eventually Chay managed to calm himself down. He pulled away, wiped his eyes.
“Thank you, p”Big. I think…I knew that, I did, but I think I needed to hear it out loud.”
“I’m happy I could help. I…I made a lot of mistakes where you and your brother were concerned. I’ve been lingering around hoping to repay some of that. I already repaid your brother, and now I feel I’ve repaid my debt to you as well,” Big said with a smile, relief evident on his face like some weight was lifted from his soul. Then it turned into a smirk. “Besides, I’ve seen the way you look at Khun Macau when you two are working out.”
“P’Big!” Chay whined, scandalized as he tried to punch Big’s shoulder. But Big just laughed and somehow dodged, since Chay couldn’t seem to land any hits.
“In all seriousness,” Big continued after Chay exhausted himself, “allow yourself to love again, even if it is a Theerapanyakun. And for what it’s worth, you should talk to Khun Macau. I’ve seen the way he looks at you, too.”
Chay was honestly too tired to even blush any more, which is maybe why he finally considered it. He was definitely hesitant still, even more so because he didn’t know how Kim would react or what he would do. But…like Big said, he was allowed to live his life. He didn’t owe Kim anything.
“CHAY!” he heard his brother yell from the back gate of the mansion. He quickly turned around to see his brother and Macau running towards him. “What are you still doing out here this late? You’re freezing! And wet! Are you trying to get sick?”
Well, at least some things were still the same. Porsche would always worry about him and his health to an extreme level.
“I’m fine, hia,” Chay responded, slightly exasperated. “I was just talking to - oh, where did he go?” He looked around him but there was no sight of anyone else nearby. Suddenly a breeze picked up and all three shivered slightly.
“Who were you talking to?” Macau asked into the ominous silence, looking around them slightly nervous for no apparent reason.
“One of the main family guards, p’Big,” Chay responded, jumping slightly when Porsche’s head whipped around to look at him, suddenly pale.
“WHO?!”
“P’Big. The guard that rescued us from the warehouse with p’Kim?” Chay answered in confusion as his brother started whipping his head around.
“Uhhhhh…Chay…p’Big died in that warehouse. My brother and p’Pete told me about it afterwards,” Macau contributed cautiously.
“W-What?” Chay was stunned. Then, like a sudden premonition, he realized what was about to happen and sighed. “Oh no…”
“G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Ghost!” Porsche stuttered out as he jumped in the air. He quickly lost balance and, arms windmilling about him desperately for purchase, fell backwards into the pool.
Before Chay could even react, Macau jumped in after him. Which, honestly, surprised Chay a bit. He didn’t get the impression Macau liked Porsche all that much. He was brought out of his stupor when they resurfaced, quickly helping Macau lift Porsche’s passed out dead weight out of the pool and on to land. After checking he was still breathing, he leaned back to catch his breath, glancing at Macau to see if he was ok. Unfortunately, this had the opposite effect, as his pulse raised again at what he saw.
Macau had taken off his sweater vest (which while Chay mocked him endlessly for them, they did look soft and cozy) and was just wearing a white t-shirt now. Which was soaking wet and clung to his muscles like a wetsuit. Chay had an impressive view of Macau’s chest and could honestly say two things.
First: Macau’s time in the gym was definitely paying off. Chay was both impressed and slightly jealous, if he was being honest. Well, and quickly becoming turned on, but he was trying not to think about that.
Second: Macau was definitely cold, which was becoming more obvious as Chay realized he was staring shamelessly at his pecs.
Raising his head slowly, he quickly figured out not only was he caught, but macau clearly knew the (filthy) direction his thoughts must have taken based on the smirk suddenly aimed in his direction.
“See something you like?” Macau asked, eyebrows wiggling up and down suggestively.
And instantly Chay thought about his conversation with p’Big (ignoring the ghostly implications for his own sanity at the moment). He was allowed to like someone else. Even another Theerapanyakun. So he slowly looked Macau up and down again, noticing for the first time a slight blush around his ears when he got back to the top, stared him in the eyes, thought back to the last drama he watched with Thankhun, and answered.
“Can I pay you to be less confident?”
Macau was stunned for a second, and then laughed hysterically, pleased with Chay’s comeback. Chay giggled a little to himself, happy to see Macau so clearly enjoying himself. He looked around, curious why the guards hadn’t come running, wondering if maybe his brother was still struggling with winning their loyalty.
“That’s probably my fault,” Macau suddenly said. At Chay’s curious look, he added sheepishly, “Why the guards didn’t come running. They probably just assumed I pushed him in the pool. It’s not exactly uncommon around here.”
Chay giggled, not exactly surprised. He went to go pick up his brother (who was still unconscious - he should probably get him checked out before Kinn flipped out) and Macau quickly helped. Together they dragged him back towards the mansion (or at least in sight of the guards so they could help - his brother wasn’t exactly light), Chay unable to help himself from catching a few more glances at Macau’s chest through the wet, clingy, and now slightly transparent shirt.
Macau caught his eye again at one point and instead of the smirk he expected, he just gave Chay a small, sweet smile. Chay gently smiled back, a blush of his own appearing this time. Macau’s smile got a little bigger in response.
Ghost or not, p’Big was right.
Kim who? It was time to move on.