Chapter Text
Loneliness
Chapter One
“‘He won’t want you or that baby.’”
“‘You don’t know anything. He said he loves kids and that we’d talk about starting a family once he was finished with this last tour of duty.’”
“‘Sure. He adores kids and he might’ve considered adopting , but he’d never want that thing you tricked him into knocking you up with.’”
“‘I didn’t trick him! I didn’t know I carried the gene that allowed me to get pregnant! By the time I did, he’d shipped out and there was no way to reach him!’”
“‘Jared’s been lied to by other guys like you, Ackles. Guys who want to use him for either his body or the money his folks have. You slipped under his guard with how innocent you acted and played right into Jared’s need to protect. But he ain’t stupid. He’ll see you for the liar and freak you are! He’ll toss your ass outta this place!’”
“‘I never lied to him or tricked him! I love Jared too much to do either of those things! As soon as he comes home, I’ll tell him, but I didn’t want to drop it on him in a letter or over the phone even if was able to call him!’”
“‘He’s been back in the States for almost three months, hotshot! He found out about your little trick and is just waiting for the brat to be born so it doesn’t look like he’s kicking a pregnant guy out on the streets. He’s staying in Houston with someone he met overseas.’”
“‘…No. That’s… just not possible. Jared wouldn’t come back and not…and not tell me. He-’”
“‘He found out about all your lies, Ackles. He found out that you were just using him and that you probably planned to just pawn this genetic nightmare off as his when it’s probably some other sucker that you fucked!’”
“‘That’s a goddamn lie! I never cheated on Jared! I’ve loved him even before we moved in together as roommates and this is his baby! Why the hell are you even here, Collins? This is between Jared and me, not you!’”
“‘He’s been my friend since grade school! I was his friend long before he joined the Army or even decided he was gay! Jared knows who he can trust. He might still be too soft-hearted to kick your pregnant ass out of his place, but that’s why he called me! He told me to take care of you and that’s what I’m here to do!’”
The rest of the loud, bitter and hateful argument between himself and Misha Collins still had Jensen Ackles’ head spinning as he tried to make sense of what had just happened and how something that had been so good, could have gone so terribly bad.
Jensen had been living in the condo owned by his best friend and fiancé, Army Lieutenant Jared Padalecki, for three years ever since Jared had asked him to move in with him after Jensen’s ex had not only left him, but stolen everything he’d had.
The two had met in college and while there was three years age difference, as well as other differences that left very little in common, the two still bonded over a shared interest in photojournalism and became good friends.
They’d stayed friends even after college but when Jared joined the Army they drifted apart and Jensen spent his time trying to find a career in photography, despite his clingy and jealous boyfriend’s demands and his parents dislike of his homosexual lifestyle.
At 6’1” with a lean, natural build of someone that would have been an athlete if it hadn’t been for a rare heart problem that kept him sick for most of his childhood, Jensen had struggled to make a life on his own. He was often too trusting and naïve for his own good and he learned that lesson the hard way, swearing to never let happen again.
Moving in with the 6’4”, broad shouldered military man wasn’t something Jensen had planned on after he and Jared had reconnected with the help of a mutual friend. He most certainly had never planned for the move to be long term, or to ever let the always friendly, always smiling Jared know he’d had a secret crush on him since college.
Jensen had long ago learned to keep his feelings, his emotions to himself. He was naturally quiet with a shy side that made him hesitant to be around a lot of people, but Jared’s openness, his ability to just smile and seem to know what to say, had always put Jensen at ease and actually helped him to start to opening up a bit more.
It had been the move to Austin, as well as Jared’s support, that had finally given Jensen the courage to take up photography again after his ex-boyfriend had not only gotten him fired from his last job but had managed to convince him that he was awful at taking photos.
It took Jared literally shoving a camera into his hands while at a park one day and simply telling him to find the ‘spark that he’d once seen’ in him from his art. It had been Jared’s laughing, dimpled smile that Jensen had first captured on that camera and it was still that photo that he would look at when his doubts and fears began to overtake him.
“‘You’re a great photographer, Jen. You care about the photos you take instead of just snapping a shot and moving on. You care! And that’s what makes you great at this,’” Jared had told him one night as they sat on the sofa watching an old movie—it had been Jensen’s favorite because Jared had known he’d had a bad day after another telephone fight with his parents over moving back home. “‘You don’t have to take some job at a photo studio in a mall or store. You can start your own studio, take your own photos, and make this the dream that you used to tell me that you wanted. I’d love to help you make that dream come true if you’ll let me.’”
Growing up in a family that, while not as well off as Jared’s own, had enough to live comfortably, left Jensen having to fight for what he had and what he wanted since he refused to follow the ‘rules’ his family set down. He was a proud man and the thought of taking money or anything more from Jared upset him, but he was also a practical man who understood that if he truly wanted a shot at making his dreams come true? He’d need help.
“‘I swear I’ll pay you back every cent or you can take a percentage if I actually get clients. And I’ll pay you back for letting me move in here,’” Jensen had promised once he’d gotten over the shock of someone having enough faith in him to think that he might be able to make a go of his meager skills with a camera.
“‘No, you won’t pay me back for either the start-up costs or living here. I’m doing both because we’re friends and I have faith in you, Jensen. I have faith that you will make all your dreams come true and I want to be there when you do,’” Jared replied and then proceeded to do everything he promised and more.
Being active military meant Jared wasn’t always home and Jensen found himself worrying more than he knew he had a right to. Jensen also found himself feeling lonelier than he ever thought he would anytime Jared was called away for weeks, sometimes even a month or more, at a time. But he used that time to build and focus on the photography studio that Jared’s generosity had allowed him to start.
Jensen had vowed from the first day he signed his name to the rental agreement of a small building downtown that he would be a success, that he would prove to not only himself but to Jared that his faith in him wasn’t ill given. To Jensen’s surprise, it all had seemed to work.
It was slow at first since there were many larger, more prominent photographers in Austin, but Jared never allowed Jensen to give up. It was through Jared that Open Heart Photography got its first few clients and from them, more soon came until it hit a stunned Jensen that he might have actually succeeded.
“‘Of course you succeeded, Jen! I told you that you were awesome and now all of Austin will know it,’” Jared had said with a laugh. “‘I have faith in you, sugar. All you needed was some in yourself.’”
“‘No one’s ever had the faith and trust in me that you’ve always shown, Jay. What makes you so certain that I’m worth all the risks you take for me?’” Jensen had asked and for the first time noticed a change in how Jared was watching him as they stood in the small kitchen to prepare dinner to celebrate that night rather than go out as had been originally suggested.
Jensen’s past had always been an open book but Jared, while always open and friendly, did have some issues that Jensen knew made his friend wary of allowing anyone too close to his already broken heart. So when Jared had laid down the carrot he’d been peeling, wiped his hands on a towel before taking Jensen’s face very gently between them, the younger man wasn’t sure what was happening or what to do.
“‘Because I know you’re a good man, Jensen Ackles,’” Jared had said softly and while their eyes met slowly, his fingers traced lightly over Jensen’s freckle dusted cheekbones. “‘I knew from the first day we met that while you’re heart might be weak, while it might still make you sick at times, that it was a good heart. That it was a strong heart and one that I hope, one day, I can earn a spot in once you see that not every guy is like that asshole who took so much from you.’”
“‘You already have a spot in my heart, Jay.’” Jensen hadn’t stopped to think of his reply. He just went with his heart, with his gut, only to realize what he’d just said to his very straight, military best friend and felt his stomach knot with dread. “‘Oh my God. I didn’t mean… I mean I did, but… you’re… you…’”
“‘I have been waiting since a week after we met for you to give me the chance to do this,’” Jared broke into the rambling words by leaning closer to catch Jensen’s lips in a slow, soft kiss. “‘I haven’t been straight since I was 14, sugar,’” he told a wide-eyed Jensen with a slow dimpled smile, dinner no longer important to either man. “‘I never told you, never did this before, because I wanted you to see me as your friend, as someone who cared for you as you instead of just your body, before risking taking this step. Trust me to take care of not only you but also your heart, Jensen. Trust me and I promise to never hurt you. Can you trust me, Jen?’”
“‘Yes, of course I trust you, Jay,’” Jensen answered and meant every word. Jared was basically the only person in his life that he felt he could trust fully.
Or, he’d felt that way right up until the moment Collins showed up with Jared’s message. Now he struggled to make sense of how his life, how everything that he’d come to know and trust, could’ve gone so horribly wrong.
He and Jared’s love had built slowly but it had been intense. Jensen loved Jared like he had no one else and he’d known Jared loved him back. It wasn’t always smooth sailing since while most of Jared’s friends knew he was gay and accepted it, there had been a couple that just didn’t like their relationship; the man who’d basically just forced him from the only real home he’d ever had was one of those.
Jared had introduced Jensen to his childhood friend, albeit reluctantly, when Misha Collins had called him from out of the blue one day to suggest they get together since it had been years since they’d talked.
It was clear to both men right from that first meeting that the smooth talking lawyer out of LA wasn’t impressed with Jared’s lifestyle outside of the Army and that he disliked Jensen immensely. However, Jared made certain it was known to everyone that he and Jensen were a serious item and that anyone who didn’t like that or Jensen could get the hell out of his life because he wasn’t changing who he loved now that he and Jensen were finally together.
The Army made their lives difficult, but thankfully when Jared was called out it was never for long periods and he almost always called home. Jensen tried not to worry about the risk of life and limb and concentrated on his studio so he didn’t feel the loneliness and worry of Jared not being there.
As the time finally approached for Jared’s last tour of duty to end, it also coincided with the end of his contract, giving him the choice to get out of the Army if he wanted once his final orders were complete overseas. They’d immediately started to talk about getting married, of starting a family.
It wasn’t unheard of for men with a certain gene to be able to carry a child, but Jensen never thought he had it. In all the time he and Jared had made love, and even the few times he and his ex-boyfriend had had sex without protection, he hadn’t gotten pregnant. It had worried him a little about not being able to give Jared a child of his own but they hadn’t seriously talked about things that far.
The night before Jared had to leave for what was only supposed to be a three month tour of duty, they had made love multiple times and still Jensen had to fight not to show how much he hated having to drive Jared to the base.
“‘Hey, just keep thinkin’ that this is the last time we have to be apart like this,’” Jared had said in the car while he worked to keep his own voice steady. He’d held his arms around Jensen for one more moment before he had to go be a soldier again. “‘I promise to call and I’ve taken care of everything so you don’t have to worry about doing anything but taking care of yourself and taking pictures of crying babies that only you can make stop crying.’”
“‘I can handle everything here. You just promise to come home to me,’” Jensen whispered into the last kiss they shared. “‘Just come home, Jay.’”
A month and a half later had Jensen discovering that the case of food poisoning he thought he had was something a lot more. And things began to go downhill from there.
Learning he was pregnant was scary enough, considering the less than supportive staff at the local hospital put the fear of God into him over having a child given his health problems as well as multiple other risks. Once he’d calmed down enough to do his own research, he was relieved to realize the risks weren’t any higher for him than they were for women.
Since his own family had officially disowned him when he told them he was engaged to Jared and would be getting married once he returned to the States, Jensen didn’t have many people to tell his news to given that Jared was out of contact range.
Jensen did call Jared’s family who surprised him by being not only thrilled but supportive of him as he quickly came to understand that his body was not going to go through this pregnancy well.
The morning sickness kept him flat on his back for nearly the first three months, which also meant he couldn’t work in the studio. Sadly he realized he would be losing many disappointed clients until he could get over the worst of the sickness and could at least hold a camera without fear of puking on whoever he was taking a photo of.
By the end of the third month, morning sickness was lessening but Jensen was worrying about Jared’s lack of contact. When he’d called the Family Readiness Group to ask about their return, the only information he would get was basic answers about how the mission was running over and how Jared’s unit was still stuck out of contact range and it could be anywhere from a few weeks to nine or ten months until they returned.
Then other issues began to pop up that left the soon to be parent scared even more. His landlord for the studio informed him that his lease wouldn’t be renewed because the owner of the building suddenly decided they didn’t want a gay photographer renting their property, despite the legality of the issue.
The next thing to happen was the joint account he had with Jared was suddenly frozen and the bank couldn’t tell him why. Jensen was left with no way to access the money he’d been left with and once his own from the studio had run out, suddenly the bills for the condo were jacked up.
By the time this latest blow happened, Jensen was eight months pregnant with a very active baby and he was fighting not to break down in tears with every new problem. When Misha arrived that day to basically kick him out onto the street and inform him that Jared had dumped him, it was all he could do not to lose it right then and there.
At first, Jensen had refused to believe the callous man’s sneering words at him but then Misha played a voicemail that Jared had sent him and Jensen felt what was left of his heart break into a thousand pieces at his ‘fiancé’s’ voice on the phone;
“‘Misha, look, I know it’s been a couple months since I got back but it’s going to be a little bit longer before I can do this myself. I really appreciate you taking care of Jensen for me and handling everything that needs handling so I don’t have to worry about it.’”
Jensen wasn’t certain what was worse; hearing Jared’s voice telling that asshole to ‘take care of him’ or the cold, smug smile on Misha’s face as he stood there watching as Jensen threw a few clothes into a single suitcase while fighting to not show the tears that wanted to come.
Jared’s car was locked and Misha had said if Jensen tried to take it that he’d just report it stolen. By then all Jensen wanted was to get as far away from the man and this place as he could, car be damned. So with a few clothes and small items that he could shove in the wheeled suitcase, he walked away with no real clue to where he would go or even how he’d get there.
Austin was unusually cold this time of December so he was glad he’d grabbed the knitted hat, scarf and gloves that he’d gotten from an older woman who worked nights at a tiny diner where he’d been waiting tables to earn some money after he lost the studio-- he’d been trying to avoid having to call Jared’s parents to ask for help. The thin jacket he’d managed to grab was from when he hadn’t been pregnant, so it didn’t fit very well much less fasten to keep the anxious baby inside his swelled belly warm.
“It’ll be okay, little one. Don’t be scared now. I’ll find a way to take care of you.” Jensen wasn’t even aware of how cold he was as he rubbed a slow hand over the swell of his belly to try to soothe his restless child. He concentrated on trying to remember how much money he had in his pocket or if it would even be enough to take the bus to…
A broken sob escaped as Jensen suddenly realized he had nowhere to go. His own family had disowned him for being engaged, so he knew showing up pregnant would cause an even bigger scene than when he came out as gay.
He couldn’t go to Jared’s parents either… if Jared didn’t want him or their child, then he was certain Mr. and Mrs. Padalecki would feel the same way despite being so supportive these last few months.
The few mutual friends he and Jared had were also out for that same reason, and the one friend that Jensen thought he might’ve been able to go to for help was in the same Army outfit as Jared. That left him, once again, alone as well as lost and scared as it fully began to hit Jensen what was happening.
He hadn’t lied to Jared about the baby or being able to have one. He hadn’t known either before it had happened and it just hadn’t felt right to leave a message with Jared’s officer or even write a letter that he was pregnant. Jensen didn’t think Jared would be upset or would think he’d used him given that anytime he’d offered to give him back some money on the studios’ start-up cost, the man had adamantly refused.
Jensen’s temper was mixed in with too many other emotions as he stood on the sidewalk in a smaller section of Austin and tried not to lose it right then and there. The full moon was the only light for him to see as the rest surrounding him were dark, quiet houses and very little traffic on the night streets.
Unsure of when the bus might come, or if it even would until morning, he silently kicked himself for not arguing with the smug Misha more or demanding that he put him in touch with Jared so the man could tell him what was happening himself.
Jensen knew that since the condo was in Jared’s name, he had very little options left to him and he feared for the baby. If he’d gotten into a fight, he knew in his heart that the other man would’ve reacted violently had he refused to leave or had given him his way when he had. Now he realized he should’ve made more of a scene, even if it had involved the police, because maybe that would’ve bought him and his baby time enough to make Jared talk to him and explain his sudden change of heart. Or at the very least why he wouldn’t have told him face to face if he wanted to end their relationship.
Running his hand over his belly again, he slowly felt the baby calm down. A strong wind blew the remaining few leaves off the tree near the bus stop and Jensen felt the cool sting of tears on his face, finally realizing he’d been crying. He felt his chest ache and hoped it was only from emotion and nothing more serious… His eyes widened when he suddenly thought of something and reached for the one item Jared had given him that he hadn’t left behind.
It surprised Jensen that his cellphone was still active. He thought it would be the first thing to be shut off, but since it wasn’t then he’d make one final call before deactivating it himself.
Hesitating briefly he hit the first number on his speed dial list and then tried to settle his nerves while attempting to decide how best to say what he needed to, all while also not breaking into a million pieces the second he heard the drawling Texas accent that Jensen would still be able to hear in his dreams if he let himself.
As Jensen counted the rings, he scrolled through the photos saved on the phone and wished briefly he had a way to save them… but since they were mostly of him and Jared, he supposed there was no sense given his world had just bottomed out.
Just as Jensen was about to give up and prepare to leave a brief message, he heard the phone pick up. But what he heard next was like another dagger in his chest.
“Hello, Jared’s phone! But he can’t come to it right now so give me your message and he’ll get back to you later on,” the too perky, too bright, and definitely too female voice recited cheerfully. “Hello? Is someone here or is this you again, Murray, trying to be cute?”
“Ummm, who is… no, never mind. It’s none of my business who he replaced me with or anything, as long as Jared’s happy.” Jensen squeezed the bridge of his nose, leaning against the bus stop sign and taking a moment to wish he’d chosen a stop that had a bench because he feared if he sat on the cold sidewalk that he might not get up again. “Okay, look, since he had Collins tell me the bad news before kicking me out of the condo and all, I know Jay… Jared probably wouldn’t talk to me anyway. So could you just give him this message?” he asked, plunging ahead before either the woman on the other end could speak or he lost his nerve.
“Tell him I never lied to him about anything. I didn’t know I could get pregnant or that I was until after he’d been gone a month, and by then I couldn’t get him by phone. I planned to tell him everything the first time he either called or came home since I didn’t think dropping this news on him in a letter or even over the phone was a good way to do it. I… I was wrong. I should’ve found a way to tell him before someone else told him so he wouldn’t think I was a liar or using him. I… I… never did either of those things. I love him still but because of things I can’t fight with him over, the things he said or told Misha to tell me--” Jensen knew he wanted to. God, he wanted to either talk to Jared or see him, just to explain. But he refused to make it look like he was begging or make it look like he was using their unborn baby just as a way to keep Jared with him.
“He wanted me gone, told that asshole… sorry, he told Misha to ‘take care of me’, so I guess I called to tell him that it’s done. I’m out of the condo so he can bring you back now if that’s what he wanted. I only took the few clothes that I know I’d bought. He can sell the camera stuff since, like Misha said, those were bought with Jared’s money and… I left his ring in the box in his dresser. I’ll deactivate the phone as soon as I get somewhere with a phone unless he wants to after you hang up.” He paused to draw in a shaky breath, feeling the baby start to kick again as he struggled to keep his voice even and the baby picked up on his anxiety.
“Tell him that… tell him that no matter what happens now, I will always be grateful for the time we had and for the courage to try to make my dreams come true… even if it all fell apart once he’d left. Tell him… that even though he might not believe that it’s his baby or want it, that I’ll find a way to raise our son or daughter but that I won’t ever let his name come out so this won’t hurt his reputation or his families.” Jensen felt his eyes blurring from the tears he vowed not to shed and knew he needed to end this call quickly before he did break down. “Tell Jared I love him and… that I guess I’m sorry for whatever made him stop loving me. G’bye.”
Letting the phone drop back into his coat, Jensen let out a half buried sob and gave up on his effort to stay on his feet. He slowly slid down until he was sitting on the sidewalk, reality slowly beginning to hit him. He stopped trying to hide his tears and slowly, all the broken dreams, the fears and buried anger, came out in brutal sobs and hot tears; the loneliness that he’d fought for years came back ten-fold along with the realization that he and his baby were well and truly alone now.
“Damn it!”
TBC
