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Lance didn’t like to talk about it but he remembered every moment leading up to his death and then a little after. He remembered his regrets flashing through his mind as he saw the light rush towards him practically in slow motion after he pushed Allura out of the way; remembered memories he thought long forgotten made an appearance, as if taunting him right before the end and then.
And then it was nothing.
Or so most people thought.
It wasn’t nothing. He felt the pain rip through his body, felt himself grow colder and then he sort of drifted into the astral plane, not quite dead yet but not alive either and he could feel himself growing more and more faint as the seconds went by, which was very alarming.
But he never spoke about it. He never spoke about how scared he was, about the rush of relief that washed over him when he opened his eyes and saw Allura looking down at him, a rush that was so strong he almost threw up from the sheer relief (or maybe that was just him feeling sick because he had fucking died) but no matter. No one needed to know, they still had a fight to get through and a home to get back to.
And Keith was missing too.
He missed him. And he missed being his right hand man.
He hadn’t even gotten to talk to him in their last few briefings before he went missing and as he died, he regretted never telling him how he felt. He wanted to, now that he knew how much he would regret it but Keith was nowhere to be seen.
Lance had taken to sitting in the Observation Deck late at night when everyone else had gone to bed, when even Coran and Allura disappeared from their workstations and into their own rooms. He took to playing with the controls until he had a massive map of the universe opened up around him, not unlike the maps from Treasure Planet, a movie he adored as a kid.
It was almost second nature to find Earth, having memorised the exact coordinates for it. And he simply sat there, with the Earth’s hologram hovering in front of him, Cuba right in front of him and he traced the lines of the continents with his eyes, closing them for seconds to imagine the rushing of the water against the beach, the sounds of seagulls and his family’s laughter, the smell of his mother’s cooking and the sweetness of a cold popsicle on a hot day. He missed it so bad.
He wanted to talk about home, he wanted to tell everyone how beautiful Varadero as and how lovely his mother was, and he wanted to recite every single thing he remembered about his brothers and sisters and his niece and nephew, and he wanted to tell them all about every single fucking thing he remembered because he was scared that if he didn’t, he’d forget it all.
Lance was already scared about forgetting how to speak in his mother tongue, no one spoke Spanish on his ship, because why would they? So, he took to hitting two birds with one stone. He sat in Red sometimes, when the Observation Deck felt too big, too unsafe and he wanted a little comfort with his lion, and he recorded videos in Spanish. He talked and talked and talked until his throat hurt and his voice went hoarse, but he felt something swell up in his chest because he hadn’t forgotten just yet.
But what he would give to hear someone call him by his real name, to hear a “Leandro!” instead of a “Lance!”, or even a cheery little “Lancito!”. Maybe he just missed being called at all. He didn’t blame anyone for the way things were right now, it felt like they were being pulled in every possible direction.
Allura spent most of her time with Lotor, Shiro was busy and Lance knew he probably missed Keith too, and having Lance as a replacement wasn’t usually what people wanted, he knew that very well from how much it was drilled into him after Keith left at the Garrison. Team Punk were off in their own little world so Lance just… stayed out of everyone’s way. Tucked himself away in his room looking at photographs or reading a book he managed to find in one of the space malls or even putting a telenovela he’d also found in the space malls on repeat just to hear something familiar and not feel so alone.
It was no one fault that he felt this way. He understood that he could be a little much sometimes, especially when he felt homesick and all he really wanted was to talk and bask in the company of others. He wasn’t used to being alone, having grown up in a house with so many other people will do that to you. So, he sought out his teammates company but he could only take so many dismissals and half-hearted nods and replies before he started to get a hint.
And it was fine, he assured himself. Everyone was busy and they were quite literally fighting an intergalactic war, so they couldn’t always be spend time with Lance, they couldn’t always accommodate to make him feel better. He wasn’t not the only person in the world. But… Keith was pretty good at it – at accommodating to Lance, at making him feel better even if he didn’t mean to. It was why Lance even spilled about his insecurities after they’d found Shiro in the first place, that he felt like the odd one out, the extra paladin.
But Keith left.
He’d up and left to join the Blade of Marmora and sure Lance was really happy for him, it was great to see him coming to terms with his heritage and being more comfortable with it, with his people. But man did it sting that he left. Just when Lance thought they were getting closer, when he thought he had done a good job as Keith’s right hand man.
But maybe he hadn’t. He wasn’t even mad anymore, he just wanted to know if Keith was okay. He had to know if Keith was okay.
Keith, as it turned out, was perfectly fine. He zoomed in on a pod one day and parked it in the castle hanger and it was like he was never wrong. And all the anger from before rushed back to Lance, but before he could say or do something he would regret, either punching or kissing Keith, he knew he had to remove himself from the premises.
He stood back at first, watching Pidge throw herself at Keith, giggling brightly as he hugged her back, shadowed by a taller woman who was insanely gorgeous. She was Keith’s mother apparently, or so he caught in a conversation with Shiro, who hugged him tightly. Hunk gave him a little head ruffle and Allura kissed both of his cheeks and Coran babbled about how thankful he was that Keith was safe.
But Lance stood at the back, arms crossed over his chest, simply watching. Maybe he was waiting, hoping, for Keith to notice his absence but after a while, he just exhaled tiredly, turning his back and walking back to his room.
“Where’s Lance?” Keith asked after everyone let go of him. “Is he okay?”
“I swear he was just –” Hunk looked around, confused. “I – haven’t seen much of Lance recently.” He rubbed the back of his neck in an almost ashamed manner.
“What? Why?” Keith sounded alarmed; eyes wide.
“We’ve all been so busy,” Pidge muttered, shuffling her feet. “He’s been taking on more solo missions too, right Allura?”
“Yes, Lance has been the first one to volunteer for all the missions I’ve brought up,” Allura nodded, furrowing her brows. “It’s… odd how eager he seems to be out of the castle and on his own as well.”
“That doesn’t sound like Lance,” Keith replied. “He… he thrives in the company of others, right? Because – because he’s used to being surrounded by his family so…” He trailed off, abruptly shrugging his bag off and disappearing from the room quickly.
Lance. Where was Lance? He had to find him.
Meanwhile Lance had made it to his room, sat in the corner of his bed, back pressed against the wall and a small projection of Earth hovering in front of him from a little device he found and adjusted to have it show Earth instead of the planet it was initially showing. It wasn’t that hard, actually, people just tended to forget that he did in fact make it into the Galaxy Garrison.
The point was that he had a hand-held Earth projection now that he could take with him on his mission and sit it up on Red’s dashboard. Sometimes Red listened to him talk, it was nice to hear her little hums and sounds of curiosity when he rambled about his home. She was a good Lion, and he was proud to pilot her. He just wished he didn’t have to do it without Keith being around.
He had the telenovela playing on low volume from the little screen in his room, more like white noise, just anything to keep the room from being quiet. He needed some sound before he truly lost his mind. Lance knew he would have to see Keith eventually but he wanted to let the anger cool before he did.
It seemed fate had different plans for him because just then, there was a knock on his door. Curious. Who knocked on his door these days? He got up with a muted sigh and pressed the panel by the door to slide it open, revealing Keith on the other side, looking a little out of breath.
“Are you… okay?” Lance asked, clearing his throat when his voice came out a little hoarse.
“You weren’t there. When… when I got here,” Keith furrowed his eyebrows, looking uncharacteristically put-down about the fact. “Everyone else was there.”
“Oh.” Lance’s face shuttered and he blinked. He hadn’t realised that his actions could have had a negative effect on Keith and now he was kicking himself for upsetting him. This was such a mess; he was mad at Keith for leaving and then cutting off communications and now he was back! And Lance was mad again because he just came back like he hadn’t left him months ago but he hated himself for making Keith sad. Why did love have to be so complicated? He wished he could talk to his mother right now.
“That’s – that’s not what I meant,” Keith sighed heavily. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad about not being there, I just want to know why. Hunk said they all hadn’t seem much of you recently, that you’re taking on a lot of solo missions. That doesn’t really seem like you.”
Oh, there was that burn again. The rush of anger flowing through his veins ignited and he realised maybe he was a little more suited to be the Red Paladin than he initially thought.
“Maybe I’ve changed,” Lance returned, turning his gaze away from Keith, jaw clenched. “Maybe I’m not the Lance you left all those months ago. You ever think about that, mullet?”
That nickname had never come out sounding so venomous before and Keith took a step back in shock before he felt his own anger swell, like always he rose to meet Lance’s barbs with his own.
“Oh, so now I can’t go look for my mother? I can’t join an organisation that’s helping the universe and learn more about my heritage? Besides, why do you care?”
Keith wasn’t an idiot, he knew that him and Lance had grown much closer after Shiro disappeared, that he had come to lean on Lance during that time, and he knew he was digging into a wound he shouldn’t be digging into. He knew and he still pushed because he was mad, he was upset and Lance was also upset and he couldn’t figure out why.
“Why do I care?” Lance let out a disbelieving laugh. “Hm, I wonder Keith! I definitely didn’t support you as our leader and help you out and train with you and spend all that time with you because I was your friend, surely not! It’s all part of my master plan to backstab you! Surprise! Go fuck yourself.”
“What the fuck happened while I was gone? You’re so… different.”
“I died, Keith!” Lance raised his voice. “I fucking died, okay? I died, and I can’t even talk about it to anyone because everyone’s so fucking busy all the time. They all think it was fine and I don’t remember anything and Allura just brought me back and it’s all fun and rainbows and I’m fine but I’m not fine. I’m not okay! And I can’t tell anyone because no one listens! Allura and Lotor are busy mooning at each other, Coran is busy with the ship, Shiro is… I don’t wanna bother Shiro because I took your place and I’ve had enough of not measuring up as your replacement. Hunk and Pidge are off being all smart together and I’ve never felt like more of a seventh wheel outsider than this.
“It was bad before, after Shiro was gone. But I had you. I had you and I could talk to you and I did. I told you my insecurities and you fucking left. You left, Keith. You left and I died and you weren’t there. And I’m so alone. I miss Earth, I miss Cuba. I just want to go home.”
“What?” Keith’s voice came out in a whisper, all the previous fire and fight in it drained completely. “You died?”
“Yeah man, I died,” Lance huffed out a laugh but it fell weak. “I – it was coming right for Allura and I pushed her out of the way and it got me and I – well… died, and I –” Lance stopped when he saw Keith reaching out with a shaky hand to press two fingers to the pulse point at his neck, visibly sagging when he felt it thrumming erratically beneath them. “Keith?”
“You died. You died and I wasn’t there,” Keith repeated Lance’s words from earlier, his pale face going even paler. “Lance, you died and I wasn’t there.”
“I said that to be mean, I – it’s not your fault you weren’t there,” Lance’s voice softened, closing his fingers around Keith’s wrist. “Don’t – don’t blame yourself. It was my choice, I jumped in. I – it’s not your fault.”
“Lance. You’ve been – you haven’t even talked about this to anyone because you’re alone,” Keith gave him a shocked look. “Because I left.”
“I know why you had to leave,” Lance mumbled. “I know you left because I wouldn’t otherwise. I know you left because you wanted to learn more about your heritage and the Galra. I – I know. I’m just lashing out because it hurt that you left, man. I – I thought we made a good team.” He shrugged, laughing in a self-deprecating sort of way.
“We did – we do,” Keith returned almost desperately. “We make a great team. There’s no one else I’d rather have as my right hand man.”
“That’s good to know. I’m glad someone thinks that.” Lance forced a smile.
“Lance…” Keith frowned. “Talk to me.”
“Right here in this corridor?” Lance teased, clearly deflecting but Keith was having none of it. He pushed Lance back, shut the door to the room and crossed his arms over his chest.
“Talk to me.”
Lance sighed, stepping back until his knees made contact with his bed and he sat down again, messing with the controls on something until the mumbling in the background disappeared and Keith realised there was something playing prior that he hadn’t even noticed. He noticed other things then: the Earth hologram laid sideways on Lance’s bed, the pile of clothes in the corner of his room, some lopsided posters and a string of lights that were unattached from one end, simply dragging on the floor now.
“I –” Lance started and Keith sat on the bed, opposite him, watching him closely. “I remember my last moments, you know? It’s a mixture of things really. I saw memories I thought I forgot, like… one of my earlier birthdays or my big brother picking me up and spinning me around… stuff like that,” He spoke, messing with his sheets and keeping his gaze turned downwards. “I thought of my regrets too though.
“I had so many regrets, Keith. I – I regretted ever getting into that Blue Lion for a second because… because I was about to die without ever having seen my mother again, or my siblings or any of my family. I was going to die thousands of light years away from my home, in the middle of space. Alone. And my family would never even know,” He laughed tearily. “Dios, I – in that moment, I wanted nothing more than my mother’s hug one last time.
“And then I faded… or well… I went into the Astral Plane. But I wasn’t dead but not alive yet. It’s like… I was waiting. Waiting for death to come, feeling myself fade. Keith… I’d never been more scared in my life, I – I could feel myself fading, dying. I was – I died, Keith. I fucking died.” Lance’s voice rose higher and higher as he spoke, as if realising and finally accepting that he had in fact died in that moment. He could feel the tears drip down his cheeks as his breathing quickened and his vision blurred both with tears and maybe through his panic.
“Lance…” Keith’s voice broke through the cried as he cupped Lance’s face softly with both of his hands, brushing his thumbs under Lance’s eyes to wipe away the tears. “Lance, you died. You died and it’s okay to be upset about it.”
“Keith –” Lance gasped, clawing for breath. “I died.”
“God,” Keith swore, reaching out to tug Lance closer and hold him in his arms, arms around his middle and his head resting on Lance’s hair. He could only do this because Lance was hunched over, his forehead pressed to Keith’s, undoubtedly, armoured shoulder, shaking and trembling. “Never do something like that again.”
“You know I can’t promise something like that,” Lance hiccupped. “It’s my one redeeming quality after all.”
“Lance,” Keith frowned, pulling away to hold Lance by the sides of his head and force them to make eye contact. “Bad mouth my right hand man one more time, go on.”
“Keith…”
“Being a self-sacrificial idiot is not a redeeming quality. You’re my – our sharpshooter. No one has accuracy like you. You’re the one who lightens the mood when it gets heavy, I know I can trust you to always have my back in everything. You hold us together, Lance.”
“You’re just saying that.” Lance attempted to turn his head to the side, to hide his flushed cheeks but Keith was having none of it.
“I am not,” He seemed offended by the idea of it, honestly. “Since when am I the type of person who just says stuff like that?”
“That’s another regret.” Lance said so softly that Keith almost missed it.
“What?” Keith might have sounded a little more sharp than he intended but it didn’t seem like Lance had taken it to heart.
“That’s another regret I had, that I thought of when I was dying. I regretted never telling you how I felt. I was too scared to before, when you were still here but then you left and it felt like I never was going to. And – and I died. And I realised I was scared for nothing because death is way scarier than telling you I was in love with you and I have been since I laid eyes on your dumbass in the Garrison and I – I wanted to tell you so bad but you were gone. You were missing and I just – I wished I had gotten the chance to tell you, I never wanted to die without you knowing how much you really meant to me, even if I knew I’d never luck out enough to have you feel the same but I –”
“Lance?”
“Hm?” Lance spared him a glance and noticed a flush high on Keith’s cheekbones, matching the one on his own tanned ones.
“Stop talking.” Was all Keith said before he was rushing in to press their lips together, still holding Lance’s head with both of his hands. He slipped them down so he was cupping Lance’s cheeks instead, still damp from the tears he’d shed not that much earlier. Lance himself didn’t move for a second but once his brain caught up to him, his own hands planted themselves on Keith’s waist, warm even through his armour and he pulled just a little to get Keith flush against him. Keith drew back just for a second only to dive back in and plant a peck on Lance’s lips, then another, then another, then –
“Okay! So maybe I was being a little stupid.” Lance spluttered, cutting off Keith’s little pecks to draw him into a longer kiss.
“No regrets,” Keith said seriously. “You’re not dying anytime soon, not if I have anything to do with it.”
“But you’re going back. To the Blade of Marmora.” Lance mumbled, tucking his head back into Keith’s shoulder.
“Why would I go back?” Keith questioned, running his fingers through the hair at the back of Lance’s neck, feeling Lance’s lips move against his skin every time he spoke. “I found my mother, mission complete. Time to come home.”
“Home?”
“To you.” Keith smiled.
“You sappy fucker,” Lance breathed, lifting his head to capture Keith’s lips in another kiss. “Do you want to pilot Red?”
“Red is your Lion, Lance,” Keith said gently. “I need my right hand man if I’m going to do this.”
“Do wh – you want Black?” Lance’s eyes widened. “But Shiro –”
“About that, something about Shiro doesn’t feel quite right to me.”