Chapter Text
“I FUCKED JEFF SADECKI-”
Was maybe not the best thing Shauna could have said when she violently swung open the door, but she wasn’t always the best at the whole “thinking before you speak” thing. Her grand entrance was greeted with a yelp as Taissa tumbled off of the couch, leaving Van propped up with very messy hair and smudges of lipstick around her mouth, looking a bit like a struck chicken with a flair for makeup.
“Jesus Shauna, at least give us a warning before you fling your problems through the front door.” Taissa moaned, sitting up from her crash site (which happened to be a rather dishevelled rug) and rubbing her head.
“Yeah man we were having a damn splendid time till you busted in all Kool-Aid Man style.” Van complained, though the jest in her voice suggested she didn’t care that much.
“Did you guys not hear me??? I HAD SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH JEFF FUCKING SADECKI-” Shauna exclaimed before Taissa butted in.
“Oh we heard you Shauna, I was just praying my brain had finally given out on me and it was all a hallucination. Guess not.”
Shauna slammed the door and hurriedly stepped over to the couch, planting herself firmly down one end.
“Oh sure, make yourself at home, it’s not like we were in the middle of something.” Van rolled her eyes.
“Van, I love you baby, but currently we have bigger issues. As in, Shauna set out to confess that she is a superhero to Jackie and ended up having sex with her boyfriend. Props to you though Shauna, you never fail to surprise me.”
All Shauna could return was a sodden expression as she turned her head downwards towards the pillow held tightly in her arms.
“That is an insane leap you have made, Shauna. Eagle flying the coop level insane leap. Still haven't flown the closet yet but we’ll work on that!” Van grinned cheekily as Tai dug her elbow into her ribs.
“Van!” she jabbed. “Please just not right now my god.”
“Okay okay Tai!” She held her hands back in surrender. “I’ll leave it for now.”
Shauna looked between the two of them, tears starting to well in her eyes at what she had gotten herself into, while Van and Tai seemed to be speaking about her in secret code.
“Shauna. What happened? Were you not going to tell Jackie about the whole Spider-Man thing tonight???”
Shauna breathed in shakily. “Um… Well yeah I was going to.” She looked down at the pillow again.
Both Tai and Van’s faces softened, suddenly aware of how much hurt lay in Shauna’s eyes.
“What… What happened, Shauna?” Tai asked, and Shauna raised her head to meet Tai’s gaze, one that always comforted her.
“I- uh- Okay. I guess I’ll explain from the beginning.”
Van sensed this would be a much longer story than ‘I fucked Jackie’s boyfriend’ so she got into a more comfortable position on the couch and smiled reassuringly at Shauna.
“So. I had been planning for me and Jackie to have a fun like ‘friend date’ to celebrate graduating highschool. We were going to go to the carnival and have like, a super fun night out and then crash back at mine for a sleepover. Like we always do. I was also going to tell her about the whole Spider-Man thing, something I was pretty fucking nervous about considering how she reacted when I told her I got into Columbia.”
“That was a pretty big fight wasn’t it?” Tai added.
“Mhmm. So I had planned the whole night around it, it was supposed to be perfect and everything just like how it always is, but the MOMENT I met her at the subway she instantly started talking about fucking Jeff. ”
“Well that’s not exactly abnormal for Miss Jacqueline Taylor is it?” Van butted in. Tai shot her a look.
“No Van, it's not abnormal. But I guess my stupid fucking Shauna brain thought that for once her and Jeff wouldn’t be having a fight and she could find some space in her brain to have a normal conversation with me. That did not happen. The entire time she would find some way to bring him up and the very rare times we would be not talking about Jeff and actually having a good time he would text LIKE HE SOMEHOW KNEW and apologise or start some other fight and then we would be back to good old Jeff.”
“Yikes.” Tain shuddered.
“Yeah. Yikes. The only time that was even close to being a good perfect moment was the ferris wheel because she left her phone in the locker at the gate, so absolutely no Jeff . It was so nice guys like really really nice. It was just me and Jackie and all the stars and we were looking at the city and it was just beautiful. I got all those nice tingles in my chest and it was perfect we were just talking and laughing.”
“Hold on you said almost a good perfect moment. What happened?” Van looked at Shauna curiously.
“Well then I uh- I… touched her hand WHICH IS PERFECTLY NORMAL and for a second she touched my hand too, but then she froze up and decided she felt sick and needed Jeff to pick her up???”
Van and Tai exchanged glances.
“So then fucking Jeff came in his stupid car and drove us back to his place to wait for Jackie’s mom to pick her up, and when her mom got there I said to Jackie ‘Oh hey maybe your mom could drive me home’ and she was like ‘No Shauna I feel soooo sick and you’ll be fine going home by yourself anyway’ so I was like ‘Um okay Jackie yeah whatever I’ll be fine bye I love you’ and she just fucking gets in the car and says ‘Bye Shauna!’. Like HELLO??? After I had planned this whole night out top to bottom and all she did was talk about Jeff and then she couldn’t even say I love you???”
“Jesus Shauna, that does sound rough.”
“Yeah Van, I KNOW. And then stupid Jeff opened his mouth and asked if I wanted to have something to eat at his house- I can’t even fucking remember what it was but I followed him and we got in the door and I was so mad at Jackie and I felt like I was going to cry and then I smelt her perfume on his collar and I just. I kissed him.”
“Wait so after you were thinking about how mad you were at Jackie and how hurt you were and then smelling her perfume on him; that was when you made the decision to kiss him.”
Taissa looked at Shauna, with her mouth slightly ajar, waiting for a response.
“Well yeah , that’s what I just said.”
“Oh okay, good to know. Continue.” Tai had a scary look in her eye, the same look that always appeared when she knew something Shauna didn’t. Van reached out her hand and patted Shauna’s shoulder.
“It’s okay Ship, you’ll uh- you’ll understand soon.”
“Um… okay… anyway then we like kept kissing and then we went over to the couch and took our clothes off, which was actually pretty hard because my eyes were closed the whole time and then Jeff got his-”
Tai interrupted her, almost flailing her arms in an attempt to stop her sentence. “Yeah Shauna we know how sex works please don’t explain it in detail. Please.”
“Well you asked me to tell you what happened?”
“Shauna for the love of god don’t take everything so literally, neither me nor Van would like to hear about Jeff Sadecki’s dick right now.”
“Okay then!” Shauna held her hands up in surrender. “So we uh- kept having sex and I was thinking about Jackie and the whole stupid night and I told him to tell me that he loved me.”
“YOU WHAT???” Both Tai and Van exclaimed in unison, mouths agape.
“I said I wasn’t going to hold him to it, I just like, needed to hear it. You know?”
Van and Tai shook their heads, mouths still hung wide open in shock.
“Whatever. Anyway, hearing that and like the smell of Jackie and everything, it was like it was her or something and I was so mad but I was also like ‘okay now I get why everyone gets all hot and bothered over this sex thing’. And because of course the universe has it out for me then she fucking WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR.”
Tai’s head was in her hands at this point.
“And she screamed my name and it was like the first time she had even properly looked at me that evening, like right in the eye and it was terrible. She was-” Shauna choked on her words, tears beginning to fall from her eyes. “She was crying and- and she was looking at me like a monster because I did this to her and suddenly everything was collapsing. She was crying- she was crying because of me and I have never felt such deep, deep regret and guilt and I just wanted to hug her and tell her how sorry I was. It was like I wasn’t even mad anymore, like I had never been mad because what I had done had hurt her so much and she was crying because of what I had done and I felt disgusting- I feel disgusting.”
Tai rushed forward on the couch and wrapped her arms around Shauna, holding her so tightly while the sobs shook her.
“I don’t know what I’ve done. I- I’ve fucked everything up Tai.”
Shauna felt as if her entire body was falling apart, everytime she choked out a cry her heart was at risk of stopping, her bones about to give out.
“It’s okay Shauna it’s- it’s gonna be okay.”
Van got up from the couch and promptly returned with a glass of water, handing it to Shauna and then sitting down beside her. She held one of Shauna’s hands, and it felt as if she was being tied down, as if Tai and Van were a lifeline, keeping her from being swept away into whatever abyss she was dangling over.
About ten minutes of silence passed, only being broken with Shauna’s heaving sobs and Van getting up to fetch more water. She felt lost. That look on Jackie’s face, the way she screamed her name, her tears, her tears . Nothing felt worse than Jackie crying. Nothing was worse. Shauna didn’t even know why she did it-
Tai was the first to speak.
“Shauna… do you know why you slept with him?”
Shauna sniffled. “I don’t know I mean she’s always talking about him, I guess I wanted to see what all the fuss is about.” She laughed, trying to dry her still damp eyes.
“Shauna you hate Jeff.”
“Of course I hate Jeff.”
“So how are we, how are you , supposed to believe any of this is about Jeff?” Taissa sounded exasperated.
“Why on Earth would this be about Jeff?”
Van swung Shauna around to face her, apparently not able to keep up whatever charade her and Taissa were playing.
“Shauna when you fuck someone’s boyfriend, usually most of it; IF NOT ALL, IS ABOUT THE BOYFRIEND!”
Shauna sniffled and looked between Tai and Van. “What are you guys even- what are you talking about? What's going on?”
This time Tai took a turn staring adamantly into Shauna’s eyes. “Shauna. The entire time you were telling us that story you couldn’t stop talking about Jackie.”
“Well duh , the story was about her Tai.”
“No but, the entire time. You literally said before you kissed Jeff you smelt Jackie’s perfume, you specifically mentioned that.”
“Yeah because I did smell it, genius. What are you getting at? I'm seriously confused.”
Van let out a frustrated sigh and grabbed Shauna by the shoulders.
“Ow! Jesus Van!”
“Shauna, you asked him to say that he loved you. After Jackie had not said it to you. You were smelling her perfume and ASKING HIM TO TELL YOU HE LOVED YOU.”
“YEAH VAN THATS WHAT I FUCKING SAID WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING???” Shauna felt as if she was losing her mind.
“The entire night you were focused on Jackie. The only time you were purely happy was when it was just you and Jackie alone on the ferris wheel. You felt happy tingles in your chest when you touched Jackie’s hand. You smelt Jackie’s perfume on Jeff and kissed him. You asked him to tell you he loved you while keeping your eyes tightly shut and smelling Jackie’s perfume and thinking about how mad and hurt you were by Jackie. Jackie, Jackie, Jackie, do you not hear yourself??? ALL OF THIS IS ABOUT JACKIE, SHAUNA!”
Shauna scoffed. “What, are you saying I’m secretly in love with Jackie or something?”
She expected the two to join in with the big joke, but they both stared blankly back at her.
Shauna’s neck started to feel very hot and she could tell her face was turning bright red, an assumption that was helped when Van pulled out her phone and took a photo of her.
“Sorry- just… capturing your moment of realisation.” Van said with a grin.
“I’m not- I- I support you guys and all but that's just not me, I swear!”
“Shauna you once started a fistfight with a man after he said Luke Combs’s version of Fast Car was better than the original.”
“Well that’s-”
Tai joined in. “You took a vow of silence after Jackie and Jeff got together because you were so jealous.”
“I once saw you win a game of Fortnite and dedicate it to Jackie.” Van took her turn clocking Shauna.
“Remember when you took a break from patrolling the city to carve her name in the Empire State Building?”
Van started giggling. “For god’s sake Shauna you used to write Jackie love notes on Valentine’s Day from a “secret admirer”, just so you could beat whatever Jeff had planned.”
“WHO TOLD YOU THAT???”
The redhead could barely contain her laughter at this point. “You kept the ones you had scrapped in a box called Defending Her Honour , it wasn’t exactly a massive secret.”
“WHY WERE YOU GOING THROUGH MY ROOM VAN???”
“To find evidence of your staggering gayness duh , though it’s hardly necessary I mean, look at you.”
“WHAT ON EARTH IS THAT EVEN SUPPOSED TO MEAN??”
Tai grabbed Shauna’s hand. “Shauna honey please stop yelling, you’re hurting my ears.”
Shauna glared at the two of them. “Fine. I’ll whisper then. What you guys are saying is that I’m a lesbian and in love with Jackie, which is why I slept with Jeff and why I’m always thinking about her and have always fallen into depressive episodes when Jeff and Jackie got back together and why I’m always so jealous and have this bottled up hatred for Jackie, it’s all because I’ve repressed my feelings for so long, is that what you’re saying??” She spat tersely.
“You seem to have summarised it all nicely, yeah.” Van gave Shauna a reassuring pat on the shoulder.
“I’m. In. Love. With. Jackie. ME. Shauna Shipman. Is in love with Jackie Taylor. You’re saying I’m in love with Jackie- Holy shit I’m in love with Jackie.”
“Yep. There it is bud. You got it. Lemme take a family photo for this wonderful memory.” Van moved to sit beside Shauna while Tai shuffled in close.
“Say Cheese!”
“I’m in love with Jackie. And I just had sex with her boyfriend. And now she hates me. And I’ll never see her again. And I just completely fucked everything up in way only I could.”
“It is very Shauna Shipman of you, I must say.” Van joked, but her smile quickly fell when she saw the tears start to spill.
Shauna reached for Tai instinctively, curling her body up as tightly as it would go, maybe if she wished hard enough she would just disappear.
Tai whispered to Van. “You go to bed baby, I need to stay out here with her tonight.”
“Of course Tai.” She directed her attention down to the shaking mess wrapped in her girlfriend’s arms. “It’s going to be okay Shauna, I promise.”
Shauna felt Van press a kiss on the top of her head before walking out of the room.
“What have I done Tai?” Shauna managed between her heaving sobs.
“I- I don’t know Shauna. I know that all of this is because of your fucked up repressed feelings but I don’t know if Jackie knows that.”
“Of course she doesn’t. The way she- the way she looked at me, I had broken her heart. I have broken her heart. I made her cry, Tai. She’ll never forgive me. I’ve lost her.”
Shauna could barely get the next sentence out, tears streaming down her cheeks.
“I’ve lost Jackie.”