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Marco never got to do anything about the realization Thatch left him with when the very next day was probably the worst Luffy had had ever since he started his recovery. From the time he woke up, it was clear that Luffy was in enough pain that even Marco could notice the tightness in his smile. That tightness stayed throughout his entire physical therapy appointment and culminated in anger as Marco tried to help him to the car a short while later.
“I’m not helpless!” Luffy snapped jerking away from where Marco had held out his arm to help the younger man balance. “You don’t need to baby me!”
“I’m not babying you and I don't think you’re helpless, yoi,” Marco said calmly. “You’re in pain and that’s okay.”
“No, it’s not!” Luffy snarled as he stomped away. “I’m sick of everyone always having to help me!”
Marco sighed softly, he had expected this to come ages ago, but he had to be just a little impressed at how long Luffy managed to hold out before his anger at feeling helpless got to be too much. The amount of pain coupled with his adamant refusal to take pain medication wasn’t helping matters either. Marco thanked whatever gods existed out there that at the very least, Luffy did take the anti-rejection pills for his transplanted lung religiously .
Marco left Luffy to sulk in the passenger seat as he drove them back home. It was better to leave the man to himself over agitating him more after all and Marco had an idea for something that could maybe help. Luffy wasn’t the biggest tea drinker and frankly neither was he but he had a few teas that Thatch had gifted him ages ago that he could try to see if that could help with Luffy’s pain any. At the very least the warmth of the mug would help the ache in his hand and if it did anything to the rest of him well Marco was more than willing to shell out to buy more. He could call Thatch when they got home for how best to prepare it.
So that was what he did when they arrived back, Luffy though still sulking still kept to his pattern of sitting at the bar to watch him as he began taking out the necessary ingredients for their supper. Marco knew Luffy well enough to know that when the man felt more like himself again he would apologize for every waspish comment he had made throughout the day. Marco truly didn’t mind though. He couldn’t imagine how much pain Luffy had to be in for him to be acting this way when typically he hid it so well.
“Try this, yoi. It’s supposed to help with pain.” Marco murmured as he pressed a still-steaming mug of tea into Luffy’s hands. Even one of the oversized cups Luffy adored for his coffee and hot chocolate still seemed to be dwarfed by the large calloused hands that wrapped around the ceramic mug.
“I told you that I don't like drugs.” Luffy snapped as he gripped the mug in his hands.
“It’s not drugs, yoi,” Marco responded calmly accidentally slipping into the voice he used on his more stressed patients. A voice Luffy knew all too well and hated having aimed at him. He couldn’t even see the darkening look in Luffy’s eyes as he turned his attention back to the meat on the stove. “Just tea is all.”
The sound of shattering ceramic had him slamming the burners off as he spun back around to face Luffy. Marco felt his mouth drop when he saw his friend staring down at his bleeding hand blankly. The reminder of the man’s pain tolerance was horrifying and entirely unnecessary.
“Luffy!” Marco yelped, rushing over without a thought to wrap a towel around the younger man’s newest wound.
The second he made contact Luffy seemed to wilt in place, dark eyes sadly peering at him through dark lashes before quickly darting back down to only look at his hands. The next breath that left Luffy seemed like something that took his entire being to manage. Marco never even looked up at his face until the first tear hit the back of his hand as he carefully cleaned the cut.
“Luffy…” Marco said gently finally looking up to see Luffy still just blankly staring at the new cut in his hand seemingly unaware of the tears flowing down his face.
“I’m sorry,” Luffy whispered softly despite having done nothing but have a bad day. Yes, the snarky attitude was uncalled for but if anyone earned a bad day then it was the man in front of him now. Luffy was a man who always seemed to think that he had to carry the weight of the world on his back and a majority of the time he did it so effortlessly that most often forgot that he was carrying any of it at all. “Being strong hurts right now.”
“Then let me be strong for you until you feel okay again, alright, yoi?” Marco said gently as he finished wiping away the blood and checking the cut for any stray shards of ceramic. Thankfully the cut wasn’t deep enough to warrant stitches and Marco couldn’t help but be relieved as he dug under the counter to retrieve his first aid kit.
Luffy said nothing more so Marco continued to work in silence as he hid the cut under fresh white bandages. When he looked up Luffy still hadn’t moved his eyes from his own hands so Marco quietly walked around the bar to be able to reach without having to climb halfway onto his countertops. Silently, he thanked Izou and Haruta for insisting on the turning stools at his bar as he slowly turned Luffy until he was facing him once more.
It hurt so much to see his friend like this and made the old guilt rise in his chest at the fact that Luffy was only in this situation because of him . Luffy was only in this much pain because he saved him and Marco wished he could do more to help him. There were many things he wished he could do if only Luffy would let him.
‘ Let me in, yoi .” Marco said emphatically as he reached up to cup Luffy’s face in his hands, thumbs gently brushing away tears. “Please, stop hiding from me, Sunshine, let me help you. ”
A broken sob left Luffy’s mouth as one of his hands shot up to cover his mouth just to be stopped by Marco’s arm so he latched on to it instead. “ Please, Sunshine. ”
“I don’t want to be weak.” Luffy choked out, leaning forward to burrow into Marco’s chest. “I just want to be better again, it hurts, it hurts so much Birdie… I’m so tired, I just want to be me again. ”
Marco quickly wrapped his arms around Luffy’s frame and held him close, hand coming up to brush his fingers through dark strands, an off-key broken hum escaping his lips as Luffy broke in his arms. This situation was a blessing and a curse, he got what he wanted, Luffy finally let him in but now Marco had to listen to the usually most sunshine of a person cry heart-wrenchingly. It hurt him and he hated himself a little at the thought that this was a fitting punishment.
He pressed a soft kiss to Luffy’s hair, barely there press of his lips but it was still a soft sentiment nevertheless. “Come on Sunshine, let’s go rest for a bit okay?”
“Sorry, I ruined dinner,” Luffy mumbled. “And broke the cup you gave me… I wasn’t thinking.”
“Fuck dinner,” Marco replied, ignoring how Luffy’s eyes snapped up to him in shock. “That’s not important and the cup can be replaced, what’s important is you, Sunshine.”
Luffy gave a pout as he looked up and spoke again trying to brush the remnants of tears from his face. “You were excited to try that recipe Thatchy sent! I remember you saying so this morning!”
“That was this morning, yoi,” Marco replied with a shrug. “Right now, what I want is for us to go lay down, we can order something, and eat it in bed, how about that?”
“Cuddles?” Luffy asked softly looking less like the beast of a man he was and more like a half-drowned puppy, eyes downcast. “I didn’t mean to bleed all over everything, I’m sorry…”
Marco frowned slightly, gently cupping Luffy’s face to tilt his head up to stare at him. “Stop apologising, yoi. There is nothing to apologize for, you’re allowed to have a bad day, Sunshine.”
At that, Luffy only gave him a confused look voice barely there at all as he softly spoke again, “I– I am?”
“ Yes,” Marco didn’t even hesitate. “By the seas Sunshine, you are not a robot, you are not unflappable. You don’t have to be perfect, no one is, hell I’m not perfect either. I have my bad days too, I did the other week remember? Did you let me apologize then?”
“I’m different though…” Luffy mumbled.
Marco wanted to find whoever made Luffy think this way and keelhaul them because Luffy of all people shouldn’t think this way. “No, Luffy, you are not.”
“People need me to be happy, need me to be the one that’s always okay. If I’m not then…” Luffy trailed off, eyes distant and lost in a memory. His eyes stayed like that for long enough that Marco began to worry before finally, finally , Luffy spoke again. “ I promised, Marco. ”
A sudden dawning realization struck Marco then on the who and it proceeded to aggravate and pain Marco all the more. Everyone knew that Luffy took his promises seriously, but he took it to the extreme whenever he made a promise to his brothers.
“Ace would be destroyed if he realizes what that promise has done to you, Sunshine, I don’t think he meant it the way you think he meant it too, yoi,” Marco said heartbreak in his eyes cause he knows how much Ace adores his little brother.
“ It’s not just, Ace! ” Luffy whined. “So many people expect me to always be the happy one because if shit goes wrong call Luffy, he’ll fix it and if he can’t he’ll at least make it not seem like the world isn’t falling apart around you.”
Marco was stunned, his arms dropping as Luffy stepped away, pacing back and forth the kitchen in long strides, hands tugging at his hair.
“Luffy help fix this, Luffy I need help with this, Luffy that asshole you told me to stay away from cheated on me come hug me till it doesn’t hurt!” Luffy ranted, words becoming more and more stressed. “Luffy can you cover me, I forgot I had plans tonight. Luffy, take all these classes not even a year out of the academy so you can be chief when I retire. Luffy, have a look through these and tell me what you think would be best for the new building. Luffy, you’re the only reason I’m even here! Luffy, it’s up to you now to make sure the family doesn’t fall apart!”
Wild eyes spun to stare at him, tears carving their way down Luffy’s face once more. Marco was speechless, heart throbbing in his chest as he watched his Sunshine break down, watch as he spewed out everything that he’d been holding in for years. He could hear familiar speech patterns, Shanks, Ace, Sabo. Several of Luffy’s friends. Himself.
And oh didn’t that just break Marco’s heart to know that he had contributed to these cracks Luffy hid behind a smile? He only ever wanted to ease his troubles, not add to them.
“Seas, do you know how much pressure it is to have someone tell you that you’re the only reason they’re willing to keep breathing?!” Luffy screamed, voice cracking at the end as he collapsed to the floor. “When half the time you don’t even know if you want to do the same?!”
For the first time in a while, Marco didn’t know what to do. He took a hesitant step forward, only to stop when Luffy seemed to flinch away from him. This is what he had asked for… He’d known Luffy’s walls were thick but to know he’d hidden so much behind them all?
“ Sunshine,” Marco rasped, words barely heard over the whine that threatened to escape. Luffy didn’t even seem to notice and if that wasn’t proof of how far gone he was in this breakdown Marco didn’t know what was.
“I’ve seen so much shit and everyone else gets therapy and help but ‘Oh, don’t worry about Luffy! He’s fine, he always is .” Luffy wheezed bending his body in half until his head touched the floor as he covered his head like he was expecting a hit. “ I’m so fucking tired! I can’t even get hurt without nearly destroying everyone I love.”
“It doesn’t help that people keep comparing me to a man I’ve never met! That they keep putting his expectations on top of me too! I’m not fucking Roger! I will never be Roger, nor do I want to.” Luffy choked out, fist-hitting the floor over and over. “Nothing is fair. I have done everything ever asked of me, everything. I only ever wanted to help people, but after a while, I noticed that no one ever helped me .”
Marco watched as Luffy rolled onto his back, arm covering his eyes and mouth twisted into a broken wreck of a thing. It tugged at Marco, stealing his breath and twisting him up inside. He took a hesitant step forward and another till he could crouch beside Luffy, shaking hands coming out to pry back the hand that had begun to dig at the scar in the center of his chest, bringing the hand up to place a kiss against his palm. “Then let me at least begin to try, Luffy.”
“I’m barely held together by silly string and hopeful wishes, Birdie.” Luffy whispered a sad broken smile stretching his lips. “I’ve been broken longer than I’ve been fixed. I’ll be the Luffy everyone wants again tomorrow so don’t worry.”
“I don’t want that Luffy, I want this one.” Marco confessed. “I want the Luffy with all the jagged edges, if you have to pretend for everyone else then let me see the real you, please?”
Luffy moved his arm to peer at Marco, eyes red and watery. “It won’t be pretty Birdie.”
“Good thing I don’t want pretty, Sunshine. I want real.” Marco said gently as he helped him to sit up once more.
“I… I don’t know if I know how to do that anymore, Birdie.” Luffy rasped out roughly scrubbing his face, exhausted.
“We’ll figure it out together, Sunshine,” Marco promised as he tugged Luffy to his feet and led him down the hall to his own room. Sue him, he’d slept in the guest bed, his own was so much more comfortable.
It took some wrangling but eventually, both were down to their usual sleeping attire and Marco was guiding a barely awake Luffy into bed. What he didn’t expect was Luffy to wrap his arms around him and drag him back to spoon him the second he laid down.
“Is… Is this okay?” Luffy asked softly voice lacking all the confidence it usually held. He sounded like a scared child and that made Marco’s heart hurt .
“Yeah, Sunshine, whatever you need,” Marco said gently. “Just rest okay? I’m not going anywhere.”
##
Luffy woke the next morning bright and early and he felt different, lighter, freer. With a stretch, he turned his gaze towards Marco just to find him dead asleep next to him, back bare and his phoenix tattoo in full view. A small kernel of guilt bubbled within him at the fact that Marco didn’t even twitch as he hauled himself out of bed. The sound of rain splattering against the window made him desperately want to mold himself back along the man in the bed. He was still tired and his head was pounding in a way it only did after a good cry. His breakdown last night had kept them up late and Marco barely slept enough to begin with.
He tugged the blanket up over Marco’s back, tucking it around his shoulders to ward off the early morning chill before sneaking out towards the kitchen. The remnants of the broken cup were still shattered on the floor, dried tea tacky all around it. His blood still covered the counter and the sight of it sent a dull throb through the cut on his palm. Thunder rumbled as heavy drops of rain splattered along the patio and the sound had him wanting to crawl back into bed with his Birdie but he didn’t want the man to have to wake up to the mess he had caused either.
“Hey Google, play Be Happy, Don’t Worry playlist.” He uttered as he grabbed the dustpan from under the sink, head bopping along to the beat as it began to play.
Once the mess he made from the night before was cleaned up, Luffy grabbed everything he would need to make breakfast, to treat his Birdie as a small thank you and I’m sorry, letting the man sleep in a little bit more.
His throat may feel a bit rough, and eyes a bit stingy, but Luffy had never felt better. It felt as if a massive weight had finally been lifted from his shoulders and that made him a little unsettled because wow I could have vented long ago and why did no one try to help me before?
Shaking his head, Luffy began to dance a little around the kitchen, humming broken bits of lyrics as he began to put breakfast together. Bacon, eggs, toast, the simple stuff that Sanji had been forced to show him how to make after Luffy one too many times tried to burn his kitchen down. The ‘ How can a firefighter burn their own house down, Marimo would never let you live it down!’ of Sanji's chuckling tone always ran through his head each time, bringing a smile to his face.
Laughter slipped free as he spun, smile wide as he flipped the eggs onto a plate and saw Marco standing in the doorway, leaning against the side, arms crossed and staring at him bewildered. Laughter turned into giggles as Luffy danced around the counter, the song switched to something slower as he held out his hand.
“Come dance with me, Birdie.” Luffy asked, giggles breaking the sentence up into pieces.
Marco raised his brows and held up his hands taking a couple of steps back as Luffy approached. “I'm not a good dancer, Sunshine, yoi.”
“That's okay! I'll lead, just come dance with me!” Luffy reassured with a bright sunny smile, his hand reaching out to Marco's and pulling him in close.
They stood flush, Luffy's hands resting on Marco's hips while Marco wrapped his arms around Luffys muscular frame, stepping closer as said man began to twirl them around the kitchen slowly, a smile still on his face, wider and brighter than Marco had seen in a while. It left him breathless to see such a carefree smile on Luffy’s face again but it also made him worry that the man was trying to mask again. He didn’t want Luffy to hide from him again, not after last night.
“I didn’t take you as one to listen to country, yoi.” Marco teased as he stumbled a bit accidentally stepping all over Luffy’s bare feet.
“Shishishi, I listen to everything!” Luffy laughed. “This song makes me think of you anyway so just trust me and stop thinking so much, yeah?”
“I told you I’m not a good dancer!” Marco snarked as Luffy spun him and pulled him back flush to his chest. His very bare chest; by the seas, this man was torture.
“ You make it easy, loving up on you. Make it easy with every little thing you do.” Marco’s mouth dropped open as Luffy began singing along. He’d heard Luffy sing at parties plenty it was always messy and off-key not this . Not clear and smooth in a way that had a blush rising in his cheeks and made Luffy’s calloused hand on his hip feel like it was burning. “ You’re my sunshine on the darkest days, my better half, my saving grace, you make me who I wanna be. You make it easy.”
“You took all my rough around the edges, never let it ruffle up your feathers, angel.” Luffy continued seemingly unaware of how much he was pulling Marco’s world out from underneath him as he flawlessly glided around the kitchen with Marco in tow.
“You’re too tense, Birdie.” Luffy’s voice still rough from sleep and his breakdown ghosting over his ear sent him slamming back into his body just to realize that at some point Luffy had stopped the more complicated dance to drape his frame over Marco’s back. One arm was wrapped around his waist a hand splayed possessively against his abs as the other remained on his hip carefully guiding the motions of his body. “Lemme take care of you.”
Marco swallowed as he rested his own hand against Luffy’s, breath stuttering as he intertwined their fingers together and continued to sway. He felt as if the world was tilted off its axis and Thatch’s words from the other day rang loud in his head. ‘ Marco, you and Luffy have practically been dating for years at this point. That man loves you, Marco.’ over and over the words spun, and in moments like this? This moment, with Luffy holding him close, singing sweetly in his ear with a love song of all things, Marco wondered.
Did Luffy know? If he did know, did he think Marco knew that they were dating? Closing his eyes he sighed, letting his head fall back to rest on Luffy’s shoulder, turning to press his temple gently into Luffy’s neck. The soft humming and sway stopped the moment Luffy’s fingers trailed up his arm, his own eyes snapping open at the sharp inhale of the man behind him the moment he registered the scars.
“ Birdie .” Luffy whispered voice barely there but sounding like shouts to Marco’s ears.
Marco swallowed. “It’s nothing, yoi.”
"Birdie? What are these?" Luffy said as he carefully turned Marco to face him gently taking his Marco’s hands in his own.
Marco struggled to get his hands back, eyes downcast and ashamed, unable to look the man in the face, nor face the bright angry scar on his chest. "Nothing, yoi."
"These aren't nothing Marco, they look like..." Luffy trailed off, eyes snapping up and pinning the man with his gaze. "You got hurt in the fire? Why didn’t you tell me you were hurt in the fire? Why did you hide them?"
"Because they're a reminder I am the reason you got hurt! " Marco snapped back, finally freeing his hands from Luffy's grip. "I don't like seeing them okay!"
Luffy for his part just looked at him those dark eyes so full of sadness before something in them hardened as he strode across to where one of his jackets lay across the back of the couch. Without a word, Luffy began shrugging himself into the jacket large hands fumbling with the zipper.
Panic flared within Marco as he watched this, body jolting forward to stop Luffy from leaving. “Please, don’t go, yoi. I’m sorry, please, this is why I didn’t want to show you or know.”
“I’m not going anywhere Marco,” Luffy replied as he finally zipped up the hoodie, eyes sad once again. That look broke Marco a little inside, they were just happy, Luffy was just smiling and now that pained look was back. “I should have been more considerate in how you felt, it's not you who needs to apologize, Birdie, it’s me. I’ve been making you stare at a reminder of that day every single day and didn’t think of how that would hurt you.”
“The tissue is sensitive!” Marco argued back. “And you’ve always hated things on your neck when you’re not working.”
“To quote you, fuck tissue sensitivity . I can deal with that mild annoyance, what I cannot deal with is you hurting because of me.” Luffy stressed, hands coming up to grab Marco’s wrists just below his scars from the fire, thumbs ghosting over the roughened skin.“You’re not the reason I got hurt, but I know you’ll never accept that so the least I can do is not force you to stare at a reminder. I’m sorry I didn’t get you out fast enough to keep you from being burned.”
“If I wasn’t so stupid and just left, trusted you all to do your job…” Marco trailed off with a hiss.
“Birdie, you are far from the first person I have chased through a burning building to do the same thing you did,” Luffy said with a soft chuckle. “Nor will you be the last to do so. It’s a common occurrence, but you can’t let this guilt eat away at you Marco. I won't let you, so if that means I keep my chest covered, then so be it.”
“I don’t… I didn’t mean… Sunshine…” Marco choked out, hands coming up to unzip the hoodie. When the scar came into view Marco ran his fingers over it gently, avoiding Luffy’s gaze as he pushed the offending piece of clothing off his shoulders and pressed his hand to the center of the scar. “I don’t want you to cover this, it doesn’t make me uncomfortable, it’s a reminder that you’re alive .”
“Then you can’t hide yours,” Luffy murmured, taking Marco’s hand and pressing a soft kiss to the scar tissue. “Cause scars are never something to be ashamed of, Marco. They mean we survived and sometimes that’s enough. But if they bother you that much still, then you need to make them yours again, could add more phoenix flames to them.”
“I could, yoi,” Marco added with a disbelieving huff of laughter, using his free hand to wipe away at his eyes. “I’m sorry for ruining the moment.”
“Shishishi, no moment I get to spend with you is ruined.” Luffy laughed.
Marco blinked and watched as Luffy stepped back and went about reheating breakfast, leaving Marco once again wondering. Today, hell, every day so far has been a rollercoaster but ever since Thatch pointed out the supposed obviousness of them, it’s been driving Marco around the bend and up the wall trying to see if Luffy knew or not. Right now he was leaning towards he did, but also it’s Luffy.
“Still… Thank you, Sunshine.” Marco replied, watching as Luffy tossed him one of those heart-stopping smiles over his shoulder.
“No need to thank me Birdie, that’s what friends are for.” Oh look, there goes Marco’s heart shattering on the floor. How was he supposed to live with this? Being in love with Luffy and not getting that same love back.
Fuck.