Chapter Text
It’s not that Tim didn’t want to stay at the manor. In fact, it’s almost the opposite. He desperately wanted to be there, but he wanted to belong. To be wanted. He didn’t want to have to force his way into the family to have a place. He never meant for the roof to turn into this. He didn’t want love out of obligation.
Or maybe he did, maybe that’s why he called Jason in the first place. Maybe he wasn’t ever actually going to jump off the roof. Maybe he just wanted to prove to himself that anyone cared. Maybe he wanted everyone to feel bad. To feel like they’d failed him. Because they had.
Tim sighed and leaned his head against the window of Jason’s Jeep. The cool window against his forehead grounded him slightly. He was getting tired of his conflicting thoughts. He knew half of them were just his mind trying to convince him of things that weren’t true. He didn’t want his family to feel bad, or blame themselves. He knew that he absolutely was going to jump and it was only because he’d had a moment of hesitation that he didn’t.
Tim wasn’t sure if he was happy he hesitated, because now he had to deal with everyone knowing. Now he had to see Bruce pretending to care. Now he had to face the fact that Bruce might not be lying about caring. And the thought that Bruce does actually want Tim in his life and Tim is just pushing him out is a whole new can of worms.
Now Tim had to see Alfred, the one man that Tim could solidly say cares and always has. Tim didn’t want to see what this would do to Alfred. He hoped his grandfather wouldn't blame himself. He hoped Dick and Bruce wouldn’t blame themselves. It wasn’t really their fault. It’s not like Tim actually talked to them about any of it. But it felt like they didn’t even try to care.
Tim wanted to scream and sob and curl up in a ball and never get up. He was so angry, he wanted to yell and scream at Dick that this was his fault and if he hadn’t pushed him out that it never would have happened. But Tim knew that wasn’t true. This wasn’t even the first time Tim had thought about killing himself. It was the closest he got to actually attempting, but honestly Tim had been suicidal since before he even met Dick.
Loneliness was so familiar to Tim it was almost comforting. The pain from feeling unwanted was something that Tim had rarely remembered living without. So when he finally felt like he belonged and then he was shoved back aside, it was sort of a relief. He was back in familiar territory. It hurt and he hated it, but it was also comfortable in a way Tim would never be able to explain. Because being around his family made him so anxious that he was nauseous sometimes. He was constantly worried about doing something wrong, or being insufferable, or that he was trying to hold them too close, or pushing them too far away.
The anxiety around others made Tim so mad. He was finally getting what he wanted, and honestly it’s not like his family wasn’t trying to reconnect with him. They had been, but Damian hadn’t made it easy. And realistically Tim knew that it’s not like they could just throw Damian out. Nor could they scold the kid too much lest he run back to his mother, in the beginning at least, but Damian in general was just a whole other variable that Tim had to work out.
The kid hated him. From the moment they met, Damian hated him. And Tim couldn’t figure out why. Sure he wasn’t exactly kind to Damian, but the kid had tried to kill him. How was Tim supposed to be nice when Damian could find all of Tim’s insecurities and pick them out to display in a bouquet of hatred and loathing? And everytime the kid said anything, Tim couldn’t help but feel like everyone agreed and that’s why they would let little taunts slide.
Tim didn’t even realize he was crying until he could taste the salt from his tears. He quickly wiped his eyes before Jason looked over at him, but he was pretty sure Jason already saw him.
Tim suddenly felt very guilty. Jason was doing all of this for him, because he was too fucked up to keep himself off a roof, to stop himself from taking a razor to his arms, to even notice he was doing it. Tim couldn’t tell if Jason had gone to sleep at any point after coming to get him, but with how tired his brother seemed, he didn’t think so.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered softly.
“Ain’t nothing to be sorry for Timbit,” Jason responded firmly and quickly.
“You wouldn’t have to do this if I wasn’t so fucking useless,” Tim said sniffling as another round of tears welled up.
“Tim, you are not useless,” Jason said. Tim could see his knuckles go white as he tightened his grip on the steering wheel. “And even if you were, it wouldn’t fucking matter because you are so much more than your usefulness. I’m not doing all of this because I feel like I’m required too. I’m doing it because you are my little brother, and I love you. You don’t have to feel guilty for me caring about you. You don’t have to feel guilty about being depressed, you can’t control that, especially when you don’t have any kind of support system built up.”
Tim didn’t say anything back, he just kept staring out the window watching as they got closer to the manor, trying to stop crying. Tim couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried so much.
As they pulled through the gates, Jason turned to Tim again.
“I’m going to talk to Alfred for a minute, you stay here, I’ll be right back,” Jason told him after putting the car in park.
Tim rolled his eyes a little at the command but nodded. He watched as Jason walked over to Alfred, as his grandfather brought a hand to his mouth to cover his shock.
Tim had only ever seen Alfred cry at death, so seeing tears fall from his eyes made Tim feel awful.
Tim watched as Alfred pulled out a handkerchief to wipe his tears and mask his emotions again. Tim could still see the pained look in his eyes as he walked towards the car. Tim took that as his cue to get out.
Alfred quickly scooped Tim into a tight hug.
“I will always be here for you, Timothy,” Alfred whispered to him. “You will never have to be alone as long as I am alive, I can promise you that.”
Tim gave up on trying not to cry. He melted into Alfred and held onto him like an anchor.
“Let’s get inside Master Timothy,” Alfred said as he pulled away slightly. “I can make some hot chocolate and tell you all about how terrible the new gardener is.”
Tim hadn’t even realized Jason wasn’t there anymore until he let go of Alfred to go inside. He felt a pang of hurt at the realization that Jason got him to the nearest safe adult and ditched. Then he felt guilty for feeling hurt. Jason was exhausted, he was probably just sleeping.
Even if Jason had ditched him, Tim knew he wasn’t Jason’s responsibility. But Jason had promised that he’d make sure Dick and Bruce didn’t give him any problems. Maybe he made sure Alfred would do that.
Tim jolted a little as Alfred laid a soft hand on his shoulder and started leading him inside. The older man had a soft look on his face.
“Master Jason will join us for hot chocolate shortly, he had a few things he needed to take care of first.”
Of course Alfred could tell what was bothering him, Alfred knew everything. Still, knowing Jason hadn’t left him reassured Tim. Then Tim realized what Jason was probably doing. Anxiety tore through him as he thought about what Jason might find in his room. What Jason might think about him after seeing all the knives and razors Tim had hidden away.
“He’s going through my room isn’t he,” Tim said numbly. Normally the realization would have made him mad, but it’s not like Jason hadn’t told him it was going to happen. Tim had just hoped he could be in the room while Jason looked. In part to make sure he knew if Jason missed any hiding spots and in part to insure that Jason didn’t ruin anything accidentally.
Alfred hummed in the affirmative and Tim sighed. “It’s for the best, Timothy. He only wants to keep you safe.”
Tim looked down and nodded slightly. He felt his shoulders tense as he realized that he was probably not going to have much privacy at all for who knows how long. This sucked, and Tim couldn’t blame anyone but himself. He couldn’t tell whether he was more angry or just sad at the situation.
When they had made it to the kitchen Alfred had quietly pulled out a pot, some milk, spices, and various forms of chocolate. After he had set everything up, he started to talk about small things. The new gardener, taking Titus and Ace to the vet for their yearly shots, and various other things going on in his life. Tim stayed pretty quiet, happy to just listen to the older man chatter at him, clearly trying to keep Tim’s mind from wandering.
Tim was grateful for the distraction, it was exactly what he needed, his mind didn’t drift to what Jason would find in his room anymore until the man had walked into the kitchen.
A pained look crossed Jason’s face when he met Tim’s eyes.
He probably thinks you’re pathetic, Tim told himself. He saw everything. He probably found everything and is disappointed. You ruined his day. Now he has to sit here and take care of you.
Tim turned away from Jason and squeezed his eyes shut. He had finally stopped crying. He didn’t want to start again.
Shut up, brain. He cares about me.
Tim could hear Jason walk over to him, so he didn’t jump when he felt Jason ruffle his hair.
“How ya doing, Kid?” Jason asked. “Alfred finish the hot cocoa yet?”
Tim’s nose scrunched up. “I’m literally three years younger than you, I’m not a kid.”
“Sure you’re not,” Jason responded, before cheekily adding on, “Kid.”
Tim rolled his eyes exasperatedly. His shoulders loosened slightly. Jason wasn’t mad at him.
A mug of what Tim could swear was a life elixir was slid in front of him. There were marshmallows floating in it and Tim stared at them as they slowly melted. They swirled around with the cinnamon powder and slowly bled white into the drink. Tim took a sip. It was delicious.
My will to live has been restored.
Tim tried not to laugh at the joke; he didn't dare say it out loud. The other two in the room probably wouldn’t find it very funny.
“Thanks, Alfred,” he said instead. “It’s exactly what I needed.”