Archive of Our Own

Ezreal is a serviceable person. When someone asks for help, he’ll gladly do it, never thinking how it could burden him in any way, just happy to lend a hand to a friend. But when Yone asks him to go find Kayn at the party, he ponders.

He knows Kayn better than the rest of the members. In a weird turn of events, them always fighting over stupid stuff made the others think they actually enjoyed the company of the other, and ended up always pairing them together (dance practices, grocery shopping, chores…). So they learned to hang out. To fight less vehemently. Now it’s friendly banter, Ezreal even began to look forward to their usual midnight movie sessions on Fridays; it was that stupid thing they started doing a few months back because both of them had issues sleeping and hanging out with snacks on the couch was a nice way to avoid brooding in their respective bedrooms.

Yeah. Ezreal started liking the guy.

Kayn was an asshole, obviously, but a funny one. He was a talented rapper and lyricist, pretty cool and laid back about stuff so a great help when Ezreal needed someone to shut off his anxiety with a loud ‘Who fucking cares?? ’. But there was one thing that Ezreal really hated about Kayn, preventing him from considering Kayn a real friend.

The man was the picture perfect example of what a fuckboy was.

Ezreal, as the perfect popstar prince that he was nicknamed as, had a great relationship with his fans : he’d do lives to chat with them, spam them with cute selfies, and receive fangroup gifts for his birthday, so he had certain expectations when it came to how artists handled their fanbase.

But Kayn? Kayn would just fuck them. Yeah. If he met a fan cute enough for him, he’d fuck them. That’s it. Like a dog. Everywhere. All the time.

And Ezreal really hated that.

Sure, who Kayn wants to fuck and when is his own private issue. But fans? That were now shared fans of the group? Seriously?

So tonight, at a club to celebrate the success of their latest single, when Yone asks him to go pick up Kayn at the party, Ezreal ponders if he really wants to be the nice serviceable friend that he is. Of course, more than anybody present, he already knows where to look, and what the rapper will be doing there.

Disgusting.

But Ezreal really doesn’t want to leave Yone to it. He’ll probably kill Kayn if he knew, and Ezreal kinda wants to keep the guy around.

***

The woman sitting on the sink moans loudly in his ear, running her nails on his shoulders, digging to mark him, and Kayn sighs. Not from pleasure, not from excitement, but boredom. The pair of breasts he plays with sure are soft and large, but honestly, it doesn’t get him hard. She’s too loud, too fake, too much.

“Hey~”, she whispers, trying to sound sensual but Kayn hates how high her voice is, “Shall we move to a stall for more privacy?”

Kayn stops leaning over her, straightening his back, thinking it through. A quick fuck? Sure, that’s what he wanted, it helps him empty his mind, satisfy his needs, and get a little workout. But with her? Not so sure anymore.

“I’ll suck you off~”, she insists, sensing his lack of interest.

The rapper chuckles, raising his hand to rub her bottom lip, assessing the quality of it. Her red lipgloss is too sticky on the pad of his thumb, her lips too thick. She probably got work done. He doesn’t really like her teeth either, too white and perfect. Kayn prefers smaller lips, with just enough plumpness for that plushy sensation during kisses -not that he accepts to kiss his nightstands-, he likes the natural alignment of teeth, uneven, toothy smile with nice canines.

While he reflects on his preferences, thumb spreading that ugly lipgloss, the woman thinks of it as a welcoming sign, undoing his belt, but she cuts off her gesture as a sound shakes her up. Someone opened the bathroom door, sending it flying against the wall with a loud bang .

“There you are.”

Kayn looks up, over the woman’s head in front of him so he can stare back at the golden eyes assessing him in the mirror’s reflection. Green locks cascade on slender shoulders as Ezreal crosses his arms, a sigh escaping his lips. Uh. All this debate in Kayn’s head about what the perfect lips would look like now is messing with his head.. Because Ezreal’s look pretty close to what he had imagined. The popstar has a small face, with a small mouth, but it opens up surprisingly wide when he laughs, with those unaligned teeth of his. He doesn’t wear stupidly sticky lip glosses, just a nice balm, good for moisturizing and bringing back a bit of peach tint to his lips. If Ezreal had boobs, Kayn would probably have tried to get him down on his knees. His jaw is probably slack enough to open and be able to take all of his cock in, with that plump bottom lip perfect as a cushion along the slide of his veins. Hm.

Fuck.

Now he’s hard?

“S-Sorry, I’ll take my leave..”, the woman sitting on the bathroom sink apologizes as she rushes to put her bra and top back on, shame recoloring her blush into a deeper red and Kayn sighs.

End of fun time. Not that this was particularly fun. Did Ezreal end up saving him from the most boring quickie of his life?

“Yone said it’s time to go back.”, the popstar says, and as Kayn fixes his belt’s buckle in silence, the woman bends in a rushed apology, before quickly leaving.

Ezreal closes the door behind him, earning the rise of an eyebrow from the rapper. He scoffs as he realizes that the popstar is probably fixated on arguing with him over his behavior.

“No need for the usual sermon, little prince.”

“I’m too tired of your shit to even start. Let me just help.”, Ezreal simply says with a frown, before settling his hands on the rapper’s jacket.

His collar is jagged, and Ezreal carefully pushes the leather back in place, using the back of his hand to wipe off something on his neck. Kayn sighs, kind of annoyed by their closeness. Sure, they hang out a lot, Kayn likes to embarrass him by putting his arm over his shoulders to call him short, and Ezreal has no issues with friendly physical contact, sometimes laying his legs over the rapper’s lap during movie night. But right now? In this situation? Kayn would very much prefer the usual sermon.

“You look like shit for someone who was supposed to be having a great time.”, Ezreal mocks him, eyebrows still furrowed, now stepping back.

“Yeah, well. I was not feeling her.”

“Are you even feeling any of them?”

The question catches Kayn off guard. Does he?

“What do you mean?”

“It’s just… You don’t know them. Can it even feel good with a stranger like that? Wouldn't it be better to do it with someone you like? Someone you at least have a connection with?”

Kayn laughs loudly, before grabbing Ezreal’s small face with one hand, fingers pushing his soft cheeks together, his lips forming a pout. He ignores the little demon on his shoulder advising him to steal a quick kiss, ignores his imagination running about how those lips would feel. Ezreal groans, and Kayn comes back to earth.

“You’re such a virgin. How cute.”, he grins, before pushing past him nonchalantly, “Come on, you said Yone wanted to go back.”

He doesn't dare to look back.

And later that night, once alone in his room, Kayn reflects. He thinks again about Ezreal's words. And the way those lips moved as they said them.

***

A week passed by since the party, and everything settled back in place. Kayn and Ezreal had enjoyed another movie night, back to their usual banter, even if Ezreal sometimes noticed how Kayn was nicer to him day by day. Still rude and annoying, but through small actions, Ezreal felt like their friendship grew closer.

Tonight, Ezreal is dead tired but can't find sleep. His usual anxiety and most importantly fear of not being enough as usual gnaws at him. But it's 1 am, and not a Friday. Nobody is up, and Ezreal would never wake up someone over something so trivial. Staying all alone in his dark bedroom is definitely not helping though. A rush of sugar from some delicious snack could help take his mind off those dark thoughts fogging his mind, and he could still watch a movie all alone. He doesn’t need Kayn there to enjoy the cinematic experience, even if the presence of the rapper helps ease his mind.

It’s nice and warm to share a blanket with him, fun to laugh at the bad acting and suspicious plot points, relaxing to doze off next to the rapper and have him wake Ezreal up at the interesting parts… Overall, Ezreal really likes Kayn’s presence for their movie nights. Thinking back at it, maybe he got even a bit too comfortable with it. Last time he laid his legs on Kayn’s lap, whined for him to massage a sore area on his shin; he also remembers how after changing positions, he fell asleep on his shoulder, and how the rapper had not complained about it.

Ezreal ponders about it all. If Kayn was not such a fuckboy, he would really like the guy. He wouldn’t mind how arrogant he can be, wouldn’t mind the way he always mocks his height… But he really hates how Kayn has no respect for the women he sleeps with, and most importantly, for himself. Kayn has a lot of qualities, if he wanted to, he could have anybody as a partner. They could fall in love, and have a true meaningful relationship. Why go for people that don’t even know him personally? Those women are fans, yes, but their interest for him is superficial. They don’t know anything about the real Kayn, they just want a hot famous guy to flex later on.

They don’t know and don’t care about how messy his hair is in the morning, they don’t know how he snorts when you surprise him with a really good joke, they don’t know that he watches makeup tutorials to perfect his eyeliner, they don’t know how sweet and caring he is with Ernest, they don’t know how he looks at the moon, cigarette in hand, with that far away look in his eyes.

Ezreal knows. He knows and cares about it all. And he hates that he cares. There’s this thing he tries to hide away in a box. The reason why he’s actually mad about all of this.

But tonight again, Ezreal will make sure the box stays closed.

***

Kayn yawns, scratching his stomach as he doesn’t make any effort keeping quiet in the dorms. He goes through the corridor with eyes half-closed, lazy in his walk, when he notices something.

Ezreal’s bedroom door is opened. Meaning the popstar isn’t in bed.

At 2 in the morning.

Just a few steps more, and the rapper enters the living-room, where the light of the TV flashes different colors in the space. Kayn notices Ezreal, wearing wired earphones with a blank expression, sitting on the couch. Not even wrapped in his favorite blanket. There’s a gummy bag opened on his lap, and his slender fingers sometimes pick up one to munch on. Kayn understands the situation all too well. The rapper always knew he had some sort of soft spot for Ezreal. He was the only one to be witty enough for fun banter, and the only one who probably understood those deep dark thoughts taking over once in a while. He knows exactly the kind of bullshit the popstar is repeating to himself at 2 am, looking bored out of his mind in front of the TV.

Kayn walks carefully now, trying not to break Ezreal’s concentration, before grabbing the popstar’s favorite blanket resting on a chair. He stands behind the couch, aligned with the popstar in front of him, before throwing the blanket over him, stealing one of the earphones, leaning in to put in his ear.

“What are you watching?”, Kayn whispers in the ear free of the earphone, making Ezreal freeze up, and as soon as he recognizes the messy magenta hair in his peripheral vision, that same ear turns red.

“N-Nothing.”, he answers, placing his hand over his ear, not daring to look at the head leaning so close to his.

Kayn jumps over the back of the couch, to land right next to the popstar, tugging on the blanket and scooting closer so they can warm up against each other. He doesn’t mock Ezreal’s surprised squeak, even if the image of a surprised hamster with fluffy cheeks and green hair fills his mind.

“What are you doing?”, Ezreal complains, tugging back at the blanket so he can have more to himself.

“I was going to grab a snack, but I saw our dear prince all alone looking depressed and decided to hang out with him.”, he answers truthfully, the nickname here to sound somewhat aloof when he actually worries about Ezreal.

The popstar is good at keeping secrets, mostly about himself. But Kayn recognizes some part of himself in him, and can’t help that need to try and make Ezreal smile again. Because time and time again, Ezreal made that effort for him. At first it was borderline annoying, but now it appreciates the stupid ways the popstar is able to help him get his mind off of things. It’s either sleeping with people or hanging out with Ezreal these days. One more effective than the other.

“I’m not depressed.”, Ezreal mumbles under his breath, “And move, you’re too close.”, he tries and pushes Kayn. His lack of strength does nothing, and the rapper stays seated, grabbing Ezreal’s cheeks again, so he finally looks back at him.

“Hey, I know you.”, he says, in a serious and unwavering tone, “Don’t act like that with me.”

Ezreal can’t find anything to say back at him, and just looks down, fiddling with the ring on his finger.

“And how is this too close? You’ve already fallen asleep all over me once.”, Kayn teases now, trying to light up the mood, letting Ezreal’s face go when the popstar started complaining. But that banter has nothing. It's half-hearted on Ezreal's end, and Kayn takes the time to properly look at him.

His eyebags are deep, complexion a bit paler than usual. And the usual glowing lights in his eyes are gone. Kayn doesn't like it. And it's stupid, really, but the only thing he can think of right now, is to ask something he never asked before.

“Give me a hug.”

The popstar’s eyebrows rise up immediately, mouth agape.

“What?”

“I know you love them. Come on, little prince.”, he offers again, arms raised, and while Ezreal stays still, thinking it through, the rapper sighs, “You’re taking forever.”

Kayn decides to not wait anymore as he throws his arms around Ezreal, pushing him close against him, one arm wrapped around his waist, the other resting against his back with the hand keeping the popstar’s face against his chest as he lays down. Ezreal is stiff, completely silent in his arms, and now that he has him snuggled close in his arms, Kayn realizes.

Realizes how weird that was.

Why did he even offer a hug?

Why doesn’t he feel grossed out when he hates physical affection like that?

Why does it calm down his heart to have Ezreal against it?

And why doesn’t Ezreal push him away?

***

“You stink.”

It’s the only thing that comes out from his mouth. Ezreal is too tense, his brain trying to understand what just happened, and at the same time his heart is being irrational, sending his head messages that this is all that he ever wanted.

No.

Don’t open the box.

Breathe in, breathe out, steady your heart.

“Gosh, I’m trying to be nice here and you just insult me.”, Kayn chuckles, the rumble of it through his chest resonating in Ezreal’s head, "Whenever you're down you hug Phel or K'Santé. Thought I'd help since all of them are sleeping right now."

Ezreal doesn’t dare answer, not knowing what to say, how to act. His hands are resting on Kayn’s chest, and it’s warm. He obviously doesn’t stink.

He smells like he wore his leather jacket a few hours ago to smoke outside. Smells like he wrote down in black ink some lyrics that came up randomly to him. Smells like he went to bed, feeling too warm and sweaty, tossing up in his sheets, not able to find sleep. Smells like h –

“No.”, Ezreal whispers to himself, closing his eyes tight, trying to keep the box closed.

“Hm? You said something?”, Kayn asks, nonchalantly playing with the green hair in his hand. Hand that starts pushing away strands to take a look at Ezreal’s expression, probably noticing the blush spread across his ears, “You suck at giving hugs by the way.”

Something snaps inside Ezreal, as he props himself up, ignoring how now he is actually sat on Kayn’s lap, blush still coloring his cheeks, hair messy from Kayn’s fidgeting.

“I’m the best at giving hugs!”, he crosses his arms, and Kayn laughs, pushing himself up so he sits comfortably right in front of the popstar.

“Bring it on then.”

Ezreal gulps down, before bracing himself. This is the kind of one-in-a-lifetime chance. Kayn hates intimacy. But right now, he pities Ezreal enough to offer it to him. And sure, it doesn’t feel great to get something he dreamed of out of pity, but this helps soothe his aching heart, even if the box shakes a bit at the events. Ezreal wraps his arms around Kayn’s neck, putting his head over his shoulder and tightening just enough to return the gesture. Kayn hums, and it sends shivers down the popstar’s spine.

“Now we’re talking.”, Kayn smirks, closing his own arms around Ezreal, pulling him even closer as their chests press together.

Ezreal lets a sigh escape, something sweet and relaxed, not even noticing it himself. But he does notice how Kayn’s fingers twitched on him.

He doesn’t care though.

He’s in Kayn’s arms.

It’s warm, soft, and everything he wanted. For a second, he forgets about the women, forgets about the box, forgets about anything unimportant because right now?

Kayn is hugging him. Kayn is squeezing him tighter, Kayn is pushing his nose in Ezreal’s hair, Kayn’s skin is glued to his.

“...Feeling better?”, the rapper says in a careful tone, his voice too close to his ear, and Ezreal’s heart skips a beat.

“Hm.”, he nods against his neck, understanding that the question is a sign of Kayn wanting to let go.

He slowly backs away, not daring to look immediately in the rapper's eyes.

“Let me see.”

Kayn tilts Ezreal’s head up with a finger, then using that same hand to gently push away his messy bangs, dual-colored eyes moving from one of the golden eyes to the other. Then Ezreal sees how those eyes look a bit further down on his face, switching quickly back at his eyes.

“Your complexion still sucks, but your brows are less furrowed at least.”, Kayn notes, pushing his index against the space between Ezreal’s eyebrows, a teasing smile on his lips.

Ezreal huffs, something meant to sound annoyed, but closer to a relaxed sigh. Kayn settles in silence, eyes fixated on Ezreal’s face, as if he’s trying to read through every layer. Deep in his golden eyes, looking for an answer, for something. And Ezreal can’t look away either, hypnotized by this moment.

Kayn switches from one eye to the other again.

Then back down.

To his lips.

“Remember when you asked me if I was feeling any of those women?”, Kayn asks, his voice strained with something that sounded tight, “I thought about it. And I realized that you were right.”

Ezreal’s breathing hitches, stuck in his throat.

“I mean, sure it was sometimes nice on a physical level… But that whole thing about at least having a connection, some sort of feelings for the other– I don’t know. It got me thinking.”

“That means… You’ll stop sleeping around?”, Ezreal carefully asks.

"Well, I'm still a man with his needs.", Kayn laughs, realizing that makes him sound like a sore loser, "But you know, when I get like… Down, or whatever– It helps. It’s like Sett going to the gym to get his anger out. He copes like that. I cope with feeling sexual satisfaction I guess.”, he laughs and rubs an itchy spot in his neck, the nervousness of opening up about something so personal making him feel uncomfortable in his own skin, his eyes looking somewhere else, “It's just that now… I don't know. Maybe I should just abstain for a while. Until I find someone I like enough to have that kind of intimacy."

Kayn's eyes settle once again on Ezreal's lips at the end of his sentence, and Ezreal doesn't know exactly why, but there's this bright feeling, something like hope teasing his pit, that gives him courage. Even if he knows Kayn's not interested in men, even if he knows that the rapper would never be into him, there's something about the way they're close right now, something about his gaze, something about him talking about sharing that level of intimacy with someone he likes, right after sharing the most intimate hug Ezreal ever had…

Something about the light in his eyes as they are stuck on Ezreal’s lips as he wet them with a nervous swipe of his tongue, the flesh feeling dry after listening with his mouth agape to Kayn’s inner thoughts…

"Why are you looking at me like this?", Ezreal asks, voice like a whisper, but eyes staring back with newly-found confidence.

"Like what?", Kayn looks confused, probably not aware of the way his cheekbones are tinted with a soft pink, mouth half-opened, chest rising with every breath.

"Like you want to kiss me."

***

Kayn's mind is racing.

Do I want to? How did he get that? Did I really look like some enamored dumbass? Like a goddamn teenager waiting for his first kiss? This is weird. Ezreal is acting weird. Isn't he weirded out? Does he want to kiss me too? Is this a sign? What should I do? Fuck he looks cute and like he's expecting it. But that's Ezreal. I can't fucking kiss Ezreal. What the hell is going on? Why is my heart so loud? Shit I hope he can't hear it. If I kiss him will he ask for more? I don't think I can, I mean, I just think he has nice lips. I was just reminded of our conversation because I looked at his lips. Yeah. That’s just that. Fuck, am I going crazy? He looks so fucking kissable right now. What's up with that?

The popstar leans slowly in, a hand resting on Kayn's chest, feeling the heartbeat of the rapper. He smiles softly, his eyes sparkling with something that scares Kayn, but at the same time, draws him in. Ezreal's face is just centimeters away from Kayn's, but he turns right at the end to kiss a spot right next to the rapper's lips, purposely missing and he leans back, a bashful smile plastered on his face.

"It's okay. I won't rush you.", Ezreal whispers, but then the light in his eyes slowly fades because again, he reads something in Kayn’s expression that he seems to understand even before the rapper does, "Oh. Maybe I misread this. Oh, uh– I'm sorry.", Ezreal stands up, their limbs entangled making it hard for him to properly do so, leaving just the right amount of time for Kayn to wake up.

The rapper grabs his arms, mouth opened but words stuck in his throat.

What does he want to say?

Kayn doesn't like that.

Kayn doesn't like it when Ezreal runs away. When he apologizes for nothing. When he looks like he's on the verge of tears.

"Ez.", he tries, but nothing follows.

What is going on?

“No, it’s okay, I mean– I shouldn’t have, I’m really sorry, I thought–”, the popstar blabbers awkwardly, eyes shifting everywhere but on Kayn, “I just did something really unfair to you, so, uh… I better leave and let you time to process this and– You can be mad at me later, just, right now–”, his voice falters, “I don’t think I wanna hear it, I don’t– Please don’t start saying things like you’re disgusted or– Like, I know you are, but–”, tears well up, “I really can’t hear it, it was my mistake, the box– It just– I shouldn’t have–”

Ezreal’s face becomes red, features distorted by how hard he cries, sentences incoherent with hyper-ventilation cutting between every word. And Kayn can’t fucking move. Can’t fucking process anything.

Seriously. What. Is. Going. On?

And before he can find anything to say, to do, to even think– Ezreal leaves. Ezreal disappears, and Kayn is still stupidly stuck there, on the couch, hand raised and tight around the ghost of Ezreal’s arms, as if he stayed a bit longer, the popstar would reappear there. The same hand finally moves, reaches that spot at the corner of his lips, where another ghost seems to be slowly dissipating.

And he has mixed feelings about that one.

Maybe it should stay.

***

“No. No. No, no, no no no no you fucking idiot – You stupid, stupid– Why ? Why did I do that ? Why would I even think that he wanted to kiss me ?”, Ezreal cries, punching his pillow again and again, breathing labored as he feels every cell of his body hurting, “Why would you even knowingly open that stupid box – It was perfect the way it was! Everything was fine !”

Tears soak up that same pillow, and the popstar slows down his punches, too tired, too broken to even move anymore. His heart is shattered in a thousand pieces. It’s not even about how he felt rejected, how Kayn’s puzzled expression was slowly changing into something else, something he didn’t even want to see, something dark. Something that would probably turn to disgust. To anger. To rage.

No. It’s about how Ezreal broke their trust. Broke their friendship. Broke everything around him because he opened the box.

What is going to happen now?

“I– I fucking assaulted him– Oh god why– You! You idiot !!”, he holds himself, nails digging into his skin, a pathetic attempt at trying to keep himself together while punishing the very person that was guilty of his pain, “I kissed him– I… Why…”

Those tears keep flowing, drawing wet lines on his face,staining the pillow. Ezreal wails, hard, but no sounds even have the strength to leave him, only his own voice repeating his guilt. His head aches, but nothing compared to his heart. Can he even feel it anymore?

Sure it was hard to keep the box closed, but sometimes he would peek through the opening, and the rhythmic beating of the organ that made him feel so alive was enough reward. He never needed those stupid dreams locked there to become reality. But in the heat of the moment, in his own delusion, he messed everything up.

“ Ez. ”, a voice behind his bedroom door calls.

And Ezreal’s whole world shatters again.

“N-No!”, he stands up, rushes to the door, going to lock it with a first turn of the keys in.

“Hey– Open that fucking door.”

Ezreal twists the key a second time, and at the third, Kayn bangs the door with his fist.

“I said–”, he stops as he hears Ezreal’s scared squeak behind the door, “Fuck, Ez. This– Okay, I’m not mad. No, actually I am. You can’t just leave– Like what the fuck ? You can’t leave me there to figure everything out alone, seriously.”, he sighs, and a soft thud can be heard, Ezreal squeaking again at the sound, “Calm down, I just put my forehead against the door.”

A few seconds pass in silence, Ezreal clutching his hoodie’s collar so hard his knuckles turn white, breathing ragged and tears stopped. He’s scared. Scared to face the consequences so soon.

“Listen– I really don’t fucking know what’s going on. I’m mad as hell, but not really at you, okay? Sorry for banging the door so hard. But it really fucking sucks for me when you run away like that. I’m really angry because my mind’s a mess and I need you to help me, but you’re crying and fleeing and I don’t fucking know what to do.”

“I-I’m sorry, I’m so sorry – Really, Kayn, I’m so–”, Ezreal’s voice is muffled by his hands thrown over his face as he cries again.

“Ez, please. Just open the door. I need to figure this shit out. And I hate it when you cry.”

“I can’t, I can’t– Kayn, I did something terrible to you, I can’t–”

“You just kissed my cheek dude. That’s nothing. I mean, no– It’s not that it’s nothing, it’s more so the context that has me fucked up, okay? Not the kiss. I hugged you without your spoken consent either too, no? So we’re good.”

“No, it’s not the same–”

“ Hey. I’m the one who decides. Open the door now. I’m tired of talking in the middle of the corridor to your door, I wanna see your face.”

Ezreal’s hand shakes so bad he makes the key fall twice, and when the final turn unlocks the door for good, it opens instantly, Kayn towering over him in a second inside his space.

“You’re a mess.”, Kayn says, and his voice may sound harsh, but Ezreal picks up on the worried brows, the softening of his eyes, and the small reassured smile tugging at his lips. Even after all this, Kayn pities him enough to worry.

The rapper closes the door behind him and grabs Ezreal’s face, thumbs pressing his cheeks and rubbing the tears away. The gesture is soft, and Ezreal doesn’t even dare to move. He feels numb, terrified, and somehow, still hoping. Hoping for forgiveness, for Kayn’s friendship, for time to go back, for his heart to heal.

“You really messed up with my head lately.”

Lately?

“I started, though.”, Kayn sighs, rubbing away Ezreal’s snot with his sleeve, then letting his thumb linger there, slowly caressing the popstar’s cupid’s bow, “I started seeing you differently and then you hit me with that stupid question and I was trying to avoid thinking about it. Then I offer you a hug, I don’t even fucking know why. Well, maybe I’m starting to understand but I’m scared, okay?”

Scared?

“Ez, I– Fuck, where to even start? Sorry, wait a bit, my mind’s still racing.”, he sighs, leaning his forehead against Ezreal’s to rest, closing his eyes to concentrate on what he needs to say, “I’m not angry at you specifically, okay? I’m just upset. Things are not going the way I’m used to. I felt bad at first– I got horny because of those lips of yours, it’s stupid, really.”

My lips?

“I don’t even get it. I was with that girl, I hated the way her mouth moved, hated her teeth and all, and I was just making that stupid list of things I like, then you showed up and I was like ‘oh! just like that!’ while looking at you and I thought it was just a lucky coincidence… Then you’re looking at me with pity, telling me that I should try with someone I like, and I try to forget about it– Like, last movie night? You were all over me and I was comfortable with it. I kept thinking that it’d be nice to do this more often. I tried to not think too much about it, but then you go and tell me I look like I want to kiss you, and fuck , it makes sense sure– I mean, I’ve been thirsting over your damn lips for a full week– Fuck I’m rambling like you always do.”, he chuckles.

Thirsting?

“So when you were waiting for me to react when you kissed me, my mind was full-on exploding because I thought about that list, and maybe it wasn’t a coincidence you know? What if I made that list because I had already looked at you like that in the past? Like– Was I denying my attraction to you all this time? And made up that list thinking of you, but not even realizing that I was? I don’t fucking know–”

“W-Wait–”, Ezreal breathes, and Kayn tightens his hold on his cheeks.

“No, listen to me. I’m rambling out loud but it helps processing, okay? So you stay here and listen. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I feel like it’s working.”

Kayn stops leaning against his forehead, his expression pained, but his eyes soft when he looks at the popstar, a relieved sigh escaping his lips before he starts chuckling to himself like a madman.

“I just want to kiss you.”, he confesses with a stupid smile, “Like– It doesn’t make any fucking sense. I’m upset, tired, I feel stupid and out of it, but right now I just want to kiss that ugly face of yours.”

And so he does.

Leans in, and settles for a small peck on Ezreal’s nose at first. He goes for the high of his cheekbone, his brow, then the forehead, and leaves another one on the nose. It’s gentle, and it picks up each broken piece of Ezreal’s heart, molding the organ back to shape, feeling it beat calmly again, at the same pace Kayn kisses his face, avoiding his lips for now. Ezreal closes his eyes, and his shaky hands go to grab Kayn’s top, not moving, just holding onto him.

And when Kayn angles his face better, breath tickling his lips, Ezreal thinks it is okay to open the box for good.

No matter what will happen, it's safe in Kayn's hands.

***

“Relax.”, Kayn whispers against Ezreal’s lips, before closing the distance for good. It’s a chaste, small and gentle kiss. Nothing fancy, nothing deeply passionate. It’s shy at best, shaky and slow.

But fuck does it feel good.

Ezreal’s lips are soft, plushy, and warm. He tastes sweet with a touch of salt from his tears. Kayn doesn’t remember the last time he kissed someone, nor the last time it felt that good. It’s weird and jittery, he doesn’t know what to truly do with himself, just knows that when he steps back, the loss of the popstar’s warmth is truly gnawing at him.

He just looks two seconds into his glowing and humid wide-opened golden eyes, and decides that he already misses him. So he leans in again, this time using his hold on Ezreal’s cheeks to push the popstar against him, thinking that he’s not close enough. The kiss deepens as Ezreal tries to open his mouth a bit to breathe, and Kayn takes it as the perfect opportunity to slide his tongue against his bottom lip, licking the entrance of that small mouth, unsure if this is too fast for the other. Or too weird. It’s still weird for the rapper, but he likes the feeling too much to really care right now. He just wants to taste Ezreal, to have him closer, to kiss him breathless.

Ezreal whimpers against him, his hold on his top tighter but Kayn can feel his face relax, feel his mouth open up just a bit more to give Kayn the liberty to stick his tongue inside and lick his palate, suck his bottom lip, mix and taste his saliva– It becomes too much, it overwhelms the rapper, but he can feel the other trying to reciprocate. Kayn can feel Ezreal’s tongue peeking through, trying to fight for dominance, in a slow dance with the rapper’s.

Kayn loves it.

Fuck , he loves kissing Ezreal.

Loves having him close, warm, and messy.

“I could do that all day.”, he whispers between a change of angles, and that catches Ezreal’s attention, seemingly pulling him back to a reality where he was bawling his eyes out mere minutes ago. He steps back, pushing Kayn a bit away from him.

His face is flushed, lips wet with spit, a bit swollen where Kayn sucked hard enough.

“Kayn, I–”, he breathes in, breathes out, and something in his eyes shifts. He looks out of it, but also like he finally figured something out.

At least one of them is starting to understand their own feelings there.

“I’m sorry, I was so scared, and I lied to myself– I know you’re not there yet, I know you’re still processing, but what you just did… Can I misunderstand it again?”, he asks, shaky.

"Hey–", Kayn's voice is gentle, careful, "Don't worry. I want to understand you."

Ezreal breathes in.

Breathes out.

It takes him time, but Kayn is silent, waiting for him. Showing care and patience, and as he gives him an encouraging smile, Ezreal speaks up.

"I like you."

Kayn's heart picks up a new beating pace. Fast, wild, needy. There’s something fluttering in his stomach, it’s bubbling up, getting caught in his throat.

"Fuck. I like you too.", Kayn confesses as fast as possible, the words burning on his tongue.

"Uh?"

Ezreal's face is stuck in shock as Kayn processes what he just said.

"Oh fuck . Yeah that's that. I like you Ez. Oh god.", Kayn groans, throwing his hands over his face, "That's insane."

He starts laughing, blushing like a stupid teenager that finally realized what was wrong with him.

“I don’t know what it really means, I still don’t understand what’s going on, but yeah. I like you.”, he confesses again, grabbing Ezreal into a tight hug, “Are we boyfriends or something like that now?”

“B-Boyfriends?”, Ezreal stutters, looking up in shock at a very happy Kayn, his smile is gentle and peaceful.

“No?”, Kayn leans in, tilting the popstar’s head with a finger under his chin, leaving a perfectly enamored small kiss on Ezreal’s lips, “I think I’d like it.”

Ezreal pouts, squirming inside Kayn’s arms to get his out, wrapping them around his neck, all tight, making sure he can hide his expression from the rapper.

“No take backs.”, he says in a whisper, and Kayn can hear him sniffling, “You said it so now it’s a done deal. You can’t take it back tomorrow. Or the day after. I won’t allow it”

Kayn chuckles and rubs circles on Ezreal’s back as the popstar starts softly crying. He kisses his wet cheek, nuzzles in his neck, laughs when Ezreal snorts loudly to not stain his shoulder with snot, holding him tight around him.

“I still don’t understand a fucking thing, so I may ask stupid questions, or do things that will upset you. Just so you know.”

“It’s okay. We’ll figure it out.”, Ezreal whispers softly, relaxing in Kayn’s arms, “Together.”

“Sounds nice.”