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junhyung wakes up to a several notifications each day, and the first thing he does is to read through each before stretching and getting out of bed—it's become a routine. he reaches for his phone and checks the time, clearing his chat notifications and skimming through news bits one by one. but there's a special reminder waiting for him that day, a date he'd marked on his calendar years ago when it was important to him. something he doesn't need to remember anymore.
'it's lee taeyeob's birthday! don't forget to wish them!'
something odd settles in his chest when he reads the message and his finger hovers over the box for a moment too long before he swipes it away. he shakes his head softly before rising, streching his arms above his head with a yawn.
it doesn't matter anymore, he thinks.
•
the odd feeling lingers for a while until he's swept up in work and then the little nagging in the back of his mind is drowned out by his other troubles. he doesn't think about the notification; in the morning he finishes some chores he'd been setting aside during the week and goes shopping for groceries later, makes himself a simple lunch and naps in the afternoon. he spends his sunday uneventfully.
he watches a movie and eats a late dinner, settling down in his bed to check his phone afterwards. he's on instagram, mindlessly scrolling through posts and looking through unending stories, almost mechanical in the way he double-taps cat videos or friends' pictures. he shifts to swiping through people's stories then, and pauses when he comes across wookjin's.
wookjin's storied someone's post and added some small text in the bottom:
"birthday boy!!! <3"
the someone in the post is someone junhyung knows. without thinking, and before he can stop himself, he's clicking on the post, the strange weight lodging itself in his chest again when the first picture loads.
taeyeob is smiling widely at someone a little to the side of the camera. it's a candid picture. he's seated at a big round white table, outdoors, with creepers from hanging pots trailing prettily in the background. he's under the wooden awning but he's bathed sunshine, and his brown hair looks like copper. he looks so happy.
junhyung stares at the picture for a few moments too long, feeling a vague sort of hollowness as he swipes to the next picture. another candid. taeyeob is joined by others at the table and they're all mid laugh. junhyung sees sungho, wookjin and kyubin there and something aches in his chest. the next picture is a simple round birthday cake, plain white with some strawberries, neat cursive lettering spelling out "happy birthday yeobie".
'getting older!' the caption reads. the post was made 4 hours ago. junhyung didn't catch it on his feed because he doesn't follow taeyeob, not anymore.
he looks at all the pictures once again and sighs. three years, and taeyeob doesn't look to have changed much.
they'd been best friends. the distance had crept in slowly. it just happened, because of reasons and things they couldn't control—unfortunate victims of circumstance. they'd tried to hold on, unsuccessfully. perhaps they hadn't—had they not tried hard enough?
they still maintained some of the same mutual friends, but the two of them had lost contact. junhyung never deleted taeyeob's number or other traces of him from his phone—like his birthday reminder—he doesn't quite know why. he doesn't really revisit them.
he opens the comments and they're flooded with birthday wishes and hearts. he contemplates leaving a comment too, but he soon erases what he'd typed. they don't follow each other, and it'd be weird if he just suddenly left a comment. it doesn't seem right either, and even though taeyeob and him are far removed from each other's lives now, he thinks their past deserves something more than an impersonal comment lost among so many others.
they'd celebrated everything together once.
he's scared to send him a personal message though; wouldn't it be so awkward? taeyeob might want nothing to do with him after all these years. wouldn't it be too out of the blue if junhyung suddenly sent him a birthday wish after this extended period of silence? and why on this birthday? why not on any of the two that had passed prior?
there's so many doubts he has. he chews his inner cheek as he weighs out the scenarios and possibilities. the hollowness spreads and grows and sits heavy and sore inside him, and he comes to recognise it as a mixture of guilt, nostalgia and something bitter. regret.
nervously, he clicks on taeyeob's profile and the message icon. the empty chat pulls up, and his heart thumps in his chest. he doesn't know why he's doing this after 3 years, but he feels weirdly compelled to.
he types out a message slowly, hitting backspace on the whole thing several times and almost chickening out. but he finally manages a simple text, reading and re-reading the two lines over and over, his doubts and anxiousness making him want to abandon the effort and let it be. after several long minutes, he finally musters the courage to hit send, and regrets it instantly, his heart plummeting. it's 11:45 p.m., he notices, dejected.
it's too late now. he can still unsend it, and he desperately wants to, but he stops himself.
'hi
i'm really sorry for the sudden message, but happy birthday :)'
there's no immediate response, of course. he thinks taeyeob is online, but there's no guarantee he'd read his message requests now.
junhyung sighs. he's about to close the app and resign himself to self-doubt, when he suddenly sees a small 'seen' appear under his message. he swallows hard, hands instantly growing cold.
a typing bubble appears and his heart is hammering in his chest.
'heyy, thank you so much junhyung! it means a lot.'
his heart pangs at the message, at the mention of his name. he feels guilty, but he's also relieved to find that taeyeob didn't take it badly. he's nervously anticipating the next message when the typing bubble appears again. then it disappears, and junhyung thinks taeyeob must've had second thoughts and erased the message. he feels slightly disappointed at the thought, and scolds himself for it.
but the bubble reappears, and his anticipation picks up again. it seems like so long before the message is finally sent.
it's a simple 'have you been well?'
junhyung exhales shakily as he types out his response, carefully thinking about his words. it's been three years. it's all so strange now, he's not used to this. he's a little afraid.
'yes, i'm doing okay. how are you doing?'
'good, good' comes the response.
'i've been okay too. just the normal :')'
junhyung bites the inside of his lip. he cannot tell taeyeob that he does not, in fact, know what his 'normal' entails anymore. three years ago, he was privy to most details of taeyeob's daily life, but now he barely knows anything. they're almost strangers. almost?
'ah. i'm glad to hear that.'
he wonders if that's an apt response. his worries increase even more when his message is left on 'seen' for a while. he supposes taeyeob left.
but the typing bubble comes up sometime later. junhyung adjusts himself against his pillows and waits.
'i was honestly taken aback by the sudden message. it's been a while...' taeyeob's text reads, and junhyung sinks, eyebrows knitting together in dread. another message comes quickly after.
'but i was very happy to see your wishes! really, i was surprised but it made me happy.'
junhyung finds himself smiling, feeling bittersweet. he'd never gotten rid his habit of overthinking—it feels like taeyeob had guessed as much. the hollowness in his chest turns into a dull, longing ache. he remembers taeyeob's bright smile in his post, the circle of friends he wasn't a part of anymore.
'i'm sorry for that... but i just wanted to wish you.' he clicks send. 'i'm sorry about the long silence', he starts to type again. three years, and this is an opportunity he'll never get again. he's attempting to cross the sea of distance between them on a shaky boat. he calculates the impact of every word, heart heavy with regret but lit by a single spark of hope.
but before he can send his message, taeyeob texts again, a simple smiley face in response to his earlier message. junhyung sends his message after reading it multiple times, a lump in his throat. he's now very afraid.
'i'm sorry for these years of silence... if you're comfortable with it, we should try and catch up, maybe...?'
there's no response for a while. the clock ticks on for eternity, or so it seems to him. he can understand the delay—taeyeob might've been shocked, and he might've also just left. quickly, he sends out an 'only if you're comfortable!' junhyung prepares himself for rejection, and he thinks that it's okay, he doesn't blame taeyeob. the regret would remain but he could make peace with that—at least he'd tried.
slowly, after a long minute, the typing bubble appears, and it disappears and reappears multiple times before the message finally reaches him.
'sure, that'd be nice :)'
something flutters within junhyung, and he's almost shaken with shock. taeyeob's messages bring him back again.
'i'm sorry though, i'll have to go now. i have work tomorrow... ^^;
i'll talk to you tomorrow, okay?'
'tomorrow', it says. junhyung gulps down the implications and possibilities.
'ah sure, good night then!'
'good night, junhyung. take care.'
after a few moments, the green dot near taeyeob's icon disappears. junhyung reads over their conversation again. and once again. he hearts taeyeob's last message.
he sighs as he turns off his screen and leans over to place it on his bedside table. it could've just been taeyeob quickly excusing himself from the the conversation and leaving, never to return again. but it could've also been truthful, and maybe, just maybe, they'd talk again tomorrow like how taeyeob promised. junhyung doesn't know how he'd do it. he's anxious about the awkwardness. but he's also eager in a way. they'd been best friends in the past, and perhaps, perhaps, they could have a shot at that again? he'd like that, he muses, feeling wistful.
the strange feeling and hollowness still stays and grows. it feels weird. friendships are hard, he thinks, turning off his night lamp.