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Being controlled was, for lack of a better word, terrifying.
Every word, every step, and every breath had to be allowed. He was ordered to eat or to sleep or to even shower. None of his thoughts were his own, it felt, except for the ones that were screaming to be let free.
Casey thinks those were definitely his own.
It wasn’t like he was always watched. No, sometimes he was locked in his room and ordered to do whatever he wanted — and he took that freedom with a white knuckled grip! He knew better than to try to escape or break a knuckle. He had to be perfect and obedient, even in his alone time.
So, maybe he is wrong. Maybe he was always watched in a sense.
He doesn’t allow himself to lament over it long. Thinking about it would make him feel trapped again, like he never left his father’s thumb.
( Only his father. Not Karai — never Karai. They’re not close anymore but she would never do this to him willingly. He was a test for her. Would she control him too, just as emotionless as ever? Or would her facade finally crumble into a million glass shards? She chose the safer option — to not crumble and thus have to face their father’s wrath. She chose to control him.
She didn’t want to. She… she wouldn’t ever do that willingly… hopefully. )
Then again, maybe the world doesn’t allow him to think about it. He wakes up after having surgery in what must be the dumpiest dump he has ever seen and learns his enemies saved him from his own family!
That’s ironic, right? Like, shouldn’t it be the other way around?!
It’ll be funny one day… maybe.
And then he’s told to sleep again. And then he’s awoken to eat breakfast and that goes well… considering him and Raph didn’t turn each other inside out. He even gets some semblance of an answer as to why the person who hates him most saved him!
( Morals, it’s always about morals. Which morals does he hold high? He used to think it was loyalty. He used to think he was the most loyal around.
He was wrong. )
Besides, Raph isn’t wrong. He is a bad guy. Everyone that has been nice to him for the one day he’s been awake could have been killed because he leaked where they lived to his father who then gave the location to TCRI. They could be dead because of him.
( He definitely doesn’t think about the punishment Karai must be getting right now on his behalf. He wasn’t strong enough to escape — even when under the golden child’s control. Everything comes down to him, doesn’t it?
It’s all his fault. )
He doesn’t see Raph again that day. He hears the arguments, though. How Mr.Splinter ( what else should he call the guy?? ) goes to talk to him. How it eventually quiets and the rat comes back hours later, insisting Casey rest and heal.
He doesn’t see the other three that day either. Raph’s brothers leave the room after their father and yet they don’t seem to follow him down the hall. He’s unsure where they go. In the end, he stuck with the other mutants who don’t seem to know that they should hate him just as much as Raph does.
He tells them as much. They all seem shocked by his line of thinking and then they laugh at him like he’s the maniac here.
It’s Mondo (the gecko) that tries to set him straight.
“Dude,” he had said, still breathless. “We tried to kill them and, like, the world, brah. They forgave us easy peasy. Least we can do is do the same for you!”
Casey hadn’t even said sorry to them at that point and yet he was already forgiven. Still, he whispered it hours later, after dinner as they set up their different sleeping spots once again. They all accepted it gratefully, even though Bebop and Rocksteady sternly made sure he knew to say it to Raph too.
He had pursed his lips and went to bed, not bothering to respond then. But he did think about it.
He is still thinking about it.
It’s early morning. His head pounds as he eats a biscuit and eggs — once again gathered by Scumbug. He tries to ignore the pain but Mr.Splinter catches it, tutting and sending pain pills his way.
Casey mutters a “Thanks,” before continuing to eat. He swallows the pills and wonders what he has done to deserve any of this.
The answer is nothing. He hasn’t done a single thing to deserve this kindness. He hasn’t done a single thing to earn their forgiveness and yet they gave it out like they have an endless supply.
He lightly taps his fork along to the beat of the song Ray sings, Genghis finding the starting notes on his guitar with Mondo giving a couple pointers. He watches as Leatherhead and Wingnut talk about what was inside his head again — wondering how it was made as he had already told him where it was from.
( Ironic how his father got the technology from TCRI, wasn’t it? When his father wishes to rid the Foot Clan of TCRI? When he wants it to disappear?
The turtles’ blood is what he needs for that goal, or that’s what his father thinks. And yet he needed TCRI to control Casey.
Who needs who, really? )
Scumbug and Mr.Splinter have their own conversation in the corner in a language Casey can’t understand. He hears Bebop and Rocksteady argue over chess, probably having stolen it from Genghis and Ray the day before.
He watches. He hears. He feels.
And yet he does not know.
Donnie’s the first turtle he sees of the day. The boy makes his way inside, stretching his arms and yawning. He and Casey lock eyes for a very awkward moment before looking away.
He doesn’t get Raph’s youngest brother. Like, why try to start a conversation with him at all yesterday?! It was weird and uncomfortable and led to a fight, like Casey knew it ultimately would.
Then again, it gave him information and questions. Why would Leo finish his stitches? Doesn’t he hate Casey too?
Unlike yesterday, Casey sits alone. He had asked to be left by his lonesome whenever he woke up with a headache, knowing he wouldn’t be the kindest company if they talked to him. Everyone had obliged.
He doesn’t expect Donnie to sit with him after getting breakfast. But Donnie does.
Casey immediately trains his eyes on his own food. He shovels a bite of eggs into his mouth to avoid a potential conversation, chewing them extra slowly to keep his mouth full longer.
This is weird, right? It’s not just Casey? Because he’s pretty sure he wouldn’t sit next to the person who sold him out to the most dangerous man alive.
And yet there’s Donnie. Sitting next to him. Eating a biscuit and eggs and sausage.
What could Casey even say to him? “Sorry,”?! Right now?! Because he’s having breakfast and he prefers not to be emotional when eating, thank you very much. Then again, he does need to apologize to them all.
But not right now. Maybe.
Donnie is literally right there and giving him a chance to apologize for throwing them in cells, overturning their home, making them homeless, nearly killing Raph on at least 2 separate occasions… geez, he’s done a lot.
“I’ve been thinking,” Donnie starts. His voice is quiet, as to not draw anyone else’s attention but Casey’s.
Casey pauses mid bite. That checks out. Raph always said Donnie was the brains-y one. But why would he be thinking about Casey? Is he about to get threatened?
“We’re probably leaving today or tomorrow,” the purple turtle continues, oblivious to Casey’s internal crisis. “So… where does that leave you?”
His eyes widen. Awkwardly, he swallows the bite and turns his gaze to the floor.
That… that’s a problem. As much as it pains him to admit, he can’t risk going back to his father. He’ll be trapped again and he never wants to… that experience… it was horrible. He can’t do that again.
But where else was there to go? His mom? Back in Japan? She… she might not be safe, either. She might have known what his father did and even supported it. He doesn’t know. His mom… there’s too much unknown there.
The realization makes his gut churn. He has no clue where he’d go.
“I don’t know,” Casey admits, his grip on his fork tightening.
Donnie blinks and then straightens, smiling awkwardly. “Oh. Uh, that sucks, man.”
Casey snorts bitterly at that. “You’re telling me,” he mutters, picking up his biscuit to take a bite of it.
“I mean, I would say you might be able to stay with us, but Raph really hates you,” he hastily adds, scratching the back of his neck.
Casey stares down at his biscuit, wondering why the world would decide to punish him further in the form of this conversation. Yeah, Casey knows Raph hates him. Part of him hates Raph too! He’s not a liar! He never wanted any of this! He tried to save them and the only thing he got in return was a chip in his brain!
“Yeah, I know,” Casey says, eye twitching. “That’s sorta our whole thing.”
“But it wasn’t always your thing.”
His head snaps up to the purple masked turtle. Donnie tilts his head and purses his lips. Casey frowns under the gaze — it reminds him of Karai’s. It’s like Donnie is trying to see him inside and out, his thoughts and all. Like the guy is trying to strip back the carefully carved stone walls Casey has built around himself for protection.
He slowly puts his paper plate down, eyes never leaving Donnie. “What do you want?” he asks as soon as the food is on the floor.
The turtle squirms under his gaze, crossing his arms in such a Raph way that it becomes un-Raph-like. “You confuse me,” Donnie states, looking away from him. “Raph said you and him were best friends and then — then you just… betray him?! It doesn’t make sense! There’s got to be more to the story and maybe that means I’ve been hanging around April for too long but… just… why?”
Casey freezes. He stares at Donnie, eyes wide. They… they were best friends. Raph and him were best friends and… and sometimes he really wants that back.
“You asked us why we saved you yesterday,” Donnie idly continues, beginning to fidget with the fabric around his wrists. “I think it’s only fair for me to ask you why you betrayed us.”
And it is.
It is fair.
So Casey slowly leans back against the wall and braces himself for reliving all his greatest mistakes. He brings one knee to his chest, pursing his lips as he looks around the room. Everyone seems to be secretly listening into their conversation but, well, Casey’s a ninja. Ninja are very observant. He knows they’ve heard nearly every word they’ve both said.
He sighs and looks towards the floor. “I betrayed you because my… my dad told me to,” he answers, grimacing under the emotions that statement brings. “I’m originally from Japan but my… Shredder was hired to deal with you guys for TCRI. They decided they needed some stealth so he brought me along to deliberately befriend Raph, gain information on you guys, and then pass it along once I got everything I thought I needed.
“I… It was all orchestrated,” Casey admits, hugging his knee tighter. “It was all to find where your lair was. But… but, I don’t know. Somewhere along the way the line between ‘pretend’ and ‘real’ got blurred so I ended up actually liking Raph.” Casey huffs a bitter laugh. “Had a crisis when I figured that one out. I knew I couldn’t be loyal and truthful to both my Clan and Raph so I… came up with a plan.”
Donnie swallows, seemingly painfully. The room has fallen silent. No one pretends to listen in anymore, they just blatantly eavesdrop. “A plan?” Donnie asks.
Casey nods, running a hand through his hair gently. “If I ended my friendship with Raph… I’d get in serious trouble. I thought that if I told him the truth — that I was a bad friend and a bad guy — he’d eventually get the hint that I was trying to get him to leave. I could save him and save myself. Two for one kind of thing.
“But it didn’t end up that way. Raph’s too kind for that. He just saw all my talk as me putting myself down.” He shrugs and looks towards the ceiling. “He was half right, I guess.” He shakes his head and carries on. “Like I said, he didn’t do what I wanted. Eventually, he gave me your address and… I couldn’t keep up the charade any longer. I gave my dad the lair’s location.”
Silence greets him when he finishes. He looks up to Donnie, who seems absolutely dumbstruck by Casey’s explanation. Everyone else is looking at him, as if seeing him clearer. He raises an eyebrow at their audience and almost laughs when they all turn around to continue what they were doing — as if they didn’t just eavesdrop on something so pivotal.
As the silence continues, he finds the need to defend himself. He tries not to. He tries to be patient.
But Casey’s never been the patient type.
“I never lied,” he says, almost pathetically. Almost like it’s a beg for Donnie to believe him. “My name? I took my father’s last name. I still love hockey and skating. And it’s not like I was ever a good friend to Raph, ya know? So all that was true too. I just… couldn’t tell the full story.”
Donnie frowns at him. It’s a pitying look, like he knows something Casey doesn’t. “Omission of truth is a lie, Casey,” he states softly, but there’s a stern look in his eye that reminds Casey that Raph is his brother.
There wouldn’t be any arguments here.
Casey’s never got that phrase or rule. He opens his mouth to argue, even though he knows Donnie would never change his mind on this, and then slowly deflates.
Lying is used to trick. Lying is used to manipulate. Lying is used to fabricate.
And by not telling Raph the whole truth… he did just that. Maybe… maybe omission of truth is a form of lying.
Just like his father and his mother and his sister and his whole entire clan… Casey Jones is a liar.
The realization must show on his face. How broken he suddenly feels must come across as plain as day, but Donnie doesn’t do anything about it. There’s no remorse. He just keeps that pitying look on his face, frowning as Casey’s whole view of himself absolutely shatters.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
Donnie glances towards the doorway before looking back to Casey. “I’m not the one you really need to apologize to, but I appreciate it, man.”
And suddenly there’s a fist in Casey’s line of sight. He looks up to see Donnie giving him a tentative grin.
“Besides… it’d be sorta hypocritical of me not to forgive you when these guys got two of my brothers milked,” he adds with a chuckle, as if two of his brothers nearly dying was funny.
Casey looks between Donnie’s fist and his face, absolutely gobsmacked.
He was a liar! How could anyone look at him and give him any ounce of trust?! How could he forgive him so easily?! What—
Despite his internal freak out, he bumps the fist and his lips twitch upwards.
He doesn’t have the strength to even say thank you. If Donnie minds that, it doesn’t show. The turtle starts to eat his breakfast once again, acting as if nothing happened in the first place.
And Casey?
Well… Casey rethinks how many lies he’s told ( omitted ) in his life and tries not to cry as the number climbs ever higher.