Chapter Text
Tommy lay awake in bed hearing struggling and whisper swearing in his living room. Someone was in it. Bet 2000 dollars it was Wilbur. It seems he was trying very hard to sneak into the blonde’s apartment without ‘waking’ him. That was a failure. To be fair, Tommy never went to bed to begin with so that’s a Tommy problem.
He looked over at the clock.
[11:50]
Fuck it. Let’s go see what Wilbur’s up to.
Tommy threw his blankets aside and grabbed his slippers because the floor was freezing thank you very much. He snatched a hoodie for the warmth and made his way to the main room.
Wilbur didn’t seem to have heard Tommy get up seeing how he’s currently invested in looking through Tommy’s kitchen cabinets. Tommy snuck up to him til he was at least 2 feet away before saying:
“What are you doi-“
“AAAAA FUCK!”
Wilbur hit his head on the corner of the cabinet door. Ouch. Now Tommy kinda feels bad.
“Damn it Tommy you scared me!” Wilbur rubbed his head as his eyes watered. The brunette was out of his villain costume but looked suspiciously like a theater kid. Eh. You win some you lose some. And speaking of loss…
“Why are you going through my stuff.”
Wilbur finished wallowing in pain to shoot glares at Tommy. “I’m hungry and I’m here to raid your pantry.”
“You ate it all.”
Yeah, he does this a lot. He comes over when the people over at his place lock the food pantry from him (Tommy thinks he should do the same-) or whenever he wants to watch a documentary but can’t do it around people because he gets too passionate (even on his worst enemies Tommy will never wish for them to experience Wilbur raging about anteaters at midnight).
“There’s no way I ate all the food.”
Tommy shrugged and sat on the edge of the couch. He’s tired, sue him. “I finished my last full-cooked meal today, I was going to shop for groceries tomorrow.”
Wilbur put a hand over his heart and sent Tommy a betrayed look. “I can’t believe this. You didn’t save anything for little o’ me.”
Tommy rolled his eyes. “Have you seen food prices lately?”
“Might I remind you about our gambling session?”
“Taxes.”
Wilbur raised a brow. “That doesn’t eve-“
Tommy grabbed his throw blanket and threw it over himself.
“If you're done bugging me I’m going back to my coma.”
Wilbur crept up to the Tommy Lump™ and snatched the blanket away, the way people pulled the tablecloth off the table in that one magic trick. Heh. Tommy glared at him.
“W T F man. Not cool.”
“Let’s go shopping right now! :)” Wilbur said brightly, giving Tommy whiplash on the sudden positive attitude.
Wilbur pushed Tommy off the couch with a ‘hmmf’ and grabbed Tommy by the ankle. He started dragging Tommy to the trap door stairs.
“C'mon, let’s go buy more food. This way, I can keep a stash of my favorites here so Techno won’t steal all my dark chocolate.”
Tommy kicked Wilbur away with a grumble. “What are you twelve?!”
He got up from the floor and dusted himself off. “At least let me put on some shoes.”
Wilbur lit up as Tommy looked under the couch for his shoes. (What, did you think he was a responsible person? Fuck no, his room looks like a tornado smashed through it.)
“So you’re agreeing to go shopping?”
“If you pay.”
“Deal.”
Tommy slipped on his red converses (yeah bitch. It’s the legendary red converses. Hashtag deal with it-) and grabbed his house keys.
“Ready when you are.”
Oh yeah, He doesn’t care that he’s in flannel pants and a sweater. People don’t judge at 24/7 stores. Wilbur made for the stairs before Tommy grabbed his arm.
“Dude. Just use the front door.”
“Oh yeah.”
Tommy guided him out the door and did a small improvised tour as they exited the building.
“That’s the other halls, that one door has a gaping hole in the wall, this is the janky elevator, that door over there is the only other occupied room.”
“Other people live here?” Wilbur questioned.
“Racoons.”
“Uh.”
Tommy nonchalantly waved him off. “It’s Saul, Alessa, and Anthony. They’re representatives for the Critter Counsel of L’manburg. Sometimes I pass by to hear the meetings that go on in there. Something about ferret Unions and anarchist crows.” Tommy shuddered. “Animal politics are vicious. This one time they asked me to survey different trash disposal methods. It was awful.”
Wilbur gave him one of the ‘I’m questioning your sanity again’ look.
“Business Racoons?”
Tommy nodded solemnly. “They’re really good at statistics.”
“Ah sure, I’m guessing they taught you how to gamble too,” Wilbur said sarcastically.
“No, Anthony’s brother-in-law Richard the O’possum taught me poker,” Tommy said thoughtfully as he opened the door to the street for Wilbur. Wilbur rolled his eyes.
“You’re shitting me at this point dude.”
Tommy snorted. “I wish.”
Wilbur bopped him in the back of the head before stopping at some average white SUV car. It looks like any other car. Completely average. Tommy would never have looked twice at it. Stupid fucking car. Wow, he has never been so revolted at an average car before.
“This is my car.”
It was Wilbur’s car.
“It’s a shit car.”
Wilbur raised an eyebrow. “How would you feel if I told you it’s one of my many cars.”
“Fucking rich Tory.”
“Yeah, I thought so.”
He unlocked the car to get in but Tommy stopped him.
“If you own like fucking lambos, why would you drive around this white thing?” Tommy said in disbelief.
Wilbur rolled his eyes and slapped the top of the car. “It’s so mundane nobody will suspect anything from it.”
“Touché.”
Wilbur breathed out harshly. “Can I get in now?”
Tommy held up a finger. “One more thing.”
“Fire away.”
Tommy pointed to the top of his apartment.
“If you drove here but went through the trap door, how the fuck did you get up there.”
“I scaled that shit like Spider-Man.” Wilbur droned deadpan at Tommy. Tommy imagined Wilbur in his tall lanky glory climbing his apartment with his long lanky limbs like a spider.
“Oh fuck no.” Tommy shuddered. “Let’s get this shopping over with.”
The two ducked into the car and put on their seatbelts like sane human beings. Just saying.
Tommy drummed his fingers in his lap while looking around the car. It's a pretty normal car, nothing special. It’s got the same sort of things someone’s car would have: air freshener, random fingerprint smudge, loose fry in between seats. Seemed legit.
Wilbur turned the keys in the ignition while Tommy watched him suspiciously.
“I never took you for the type to be able to drive.” He said cautiously.
Wilbur glanced over at him for a second before driving off. “I know how to drive idiot. I just prefer roof hopping.”
“Yeah, I bet your license is forged.”
“Shut up. You don’t even have one.”
Tommy looked out the window and the silence stretched for a couple of seconds.
“Wait do you not actually?” Wilbur looked at him to see a reaction on his face.
“I’ve been kinda busy, and the bus is more convenient.”
Wilbur braked a little too harshly at the stop light. “Dude. You should still get one.”
“I don’t have time to take another class with my schedule.”
Wilbur lit up with his ‘I got a terrible idea’ face. “I can teach you.”
“No fuc-“ he paused. It didn’t sound that bad. Free lessons. Get the fundamentals down before taking a test.
“Would you?” He questioned the brunette. Wilbur nodded excitedly.
“I can teach you all the secrets of the trade my child!”
Tommy cleared his throat. “I’m a legal adult.”
“I’m an illegal criminal. What are you going to do about it?” He teased.
“Cry.”
Wilbur gasped while turning into a huge parking lot of some mall. “If you start crying I will.”
Tommy looked out the window. “Where are we? This isn’t the food market?”
Wilbur patted Tommy on the shoulder and opened the car door. “Your first driving lesson!”
“What.”
Wilbur climbed out of the car and made his way to the passenger side. “Climb over.” He commanded.
Tommy climbed into the driver's seat. YOLO.
“Uh.” He said looking at all the things and levers. It can’t be harder than GTA, right?
Wilbur pointed to the steering wheel.
“You use that to steer.”
Tommy punched him in the arm. “I’m not stupid you know. I’ve played driving video games.”
Wilbur wiped his forehead. “Thank god, for a second I thought you had no social life.”
“Shut up.”
“No. <3”
Tommy pressed the gas a little too aggressively and jerked the car forward. Wilbur flew forward and caught himself on the dashboard.
“Hey! Wait for me to put in my seatbelt idiot!”
Tommy braked over and over again, jerking the car forward like some bull ride while Wilbur tried to put on his seatbelt. He kept missing the slot, like a loser.
“Stop! Moving! around! dumbass-“
Tommy accelerated down the parking lot, hands tight on the steering wheel. He wiggled it around a bit jerking the car around even more. Who knew that steering wheels were more sensitive than in video games?
“CHILD-“
Tommy snickered and swiped Wilbur’s hand around from where he was trying to grab control of the car.
“Damn it stop this car!”
Tommy suddenly ran over a concrete divider, the car bouncing them upwards and startling the two passengers.
They both stopped, Tommy with his foot on the brake and Wilbur frozen in the passenger seat gasping for breath, seatbelt in hand forgotten.
“Dude. That was fucking awesome.” Tommy breathed.
“You’re banned from driving my car,” Wilbur whispered.
Tommy crossed his arms. “Bruh. If you don’t teach me I’ll just have my friend Tubbo teach me. And I’ll have you know he got his license taken away for drifting donuts around the street and driving backward on the freeway.”
Wilbur looked over at Tommy. “Damn, I would love to meet that guy.”
“No.”
Wilbur shrugged. “If you’re going to mess around without following the rules, you’re never going to get your license.”
Tommy rolled his eyes and uncrossed his arms to return them to the steering wheel.
“Jeez, you’re so mean. Excuse me for having a little fun, this is my first time behind a wheel.”
Wilbur fastened his seatbelt quickly when Tommy shifted the car into reverse. “This is strike one,” Wilbur warned, wiggling his finger.
Tommy looked behind him and began backing the car out slowly. See, GTA really can teach you things. Unlike someone.
“It’s not my fault you’re a terrible teacher.” Tommy snarked.
Wilbur scoffed. “I haven’t even said anything yet.”
“Exactly.”
“Bruh.”
Tommy lined up the car to the mini paths in the parking lot.
“Ok professor,” Tommy said sarcastically, “What now.”
Wilbur perked up and brightened a little at finally being in charge, clearly not hearing the sarcasm.
“Yes! So! You’re going to want to ease into the petal and keep the road lines aligned with your wheel-“
The stuff Wilbur said around the beginning seemed pretty legit and useful, but the more Tommy got used to turning and stopping and simple commands, the more outrageous Wilbur’s lessons began.
“Let’s go try a stoplight!” Wilbur said excitedly.
Tommy shook his head and gripped the steering wheel tighter.
“Fuck no.”
Wilbur shook the car back and forth trying to reach the driver's seat while Tommy pushed him back to his seat. He doesn’t have to be an experienced driver to know Will’s a terrible co-pilot.
“C’mon! You can stop! You can turn! Stoplights aren’t that difficult! Do I have to explain one to you?”
Tommy rolled his eyes. “I’m not Stupid, man.”
“You kinda are-“
Tommy hit him in the arm. Wilbur dodged the second blow but still winced at what was probably going to bruise soon.
“Alright alright, calm down!” Wilbur gingerly rubbed the place he was hit. Weakling. How does this man even fight as a villain?
“No traffic lights today.”
Wilbur put his hands up. “Dude all I’m saying is they’re not that hard to understand. Green is go. Red is stop. Yellow means fucking floor that shit because you don’t wanna have to wait.”
Tommy side-eyed him while he moved the car back to the main exit of the mall's parking lot.
“I get the feeling you never actually got a driver's license and forged one.”
Wilbur winked. With a wink like his, you’d think him to be in a boy band.
Tommy checked the time on the car's radio [1:27] and opened the car door.
“Welp, If we’re going to buy food I suggest we head out now before it gets too late.”
Wilbur looked at the time and scoffed. “We have time.”
Tommy glared at him from outside the car. “You have time. I have school.”
“I thought you’re out.”
“Preparing for new classes.”
“Fucking nerd.”
“I’m going to just be better in life.”
Wilbur switched over to the passenger seat.
“Fine. Get in loser we’re going shopping.”
Tommy rolled his eyes for the hundredth time that night. He dragged himself into the passenger seat and stretched his legs. His entire body was still tense from all the driving. New experiences and all. Uck.
“Oh god I don’t think I can take much longer listening to you speak,” Tommy groaned. “I hope your janky car can at least play music.”
Before Wilbur can protest, Tommy leans over to turn on the radio. Without warning, the last song playing on it was blasting loudly on the speakers, frightening both of them.
“I-I-I LOVE LITTLE GIRLS THEY MAKE ME FEEL SO-”
Wilbur practically smashed the radio with how quickly he yanked the volume down to zero. He and Tommy stared at the radio in silence for a few seconds.
“Never speak of this again.”
Tommy blinked. “W-was that Oingo Boingo?”
Wilbur put a finger to his lips. “I said never speak of this to another soul for as long as you live.”
Tommy tossed aside Wilbur’s hand. The guy seemed calm but in reality, you could see him shitting his pants, probably afraid to get canceled. L.
“I liked Wierd Science,” Tommy mused while Wilbur sat sulking in the driver's seat silently driving them out of the parking lot.
“…”
“People need more women like Lisa in their life.”
Wilbur side-eyes him. “Stop.”
Tommy rests his hands behind his head. “Never. I’m running on pure spite.”
Wilbur accelerates the car, pressing Tommy to his seat and making him hit his head on the headrest.
“Oh you mother fucker-“
Wilbur sped down the empty road, possibly going 70 for all Tommy could tell, he was too busy holding on for dear life.
Wilbur smirked a little, regaining his self-confidence by bullying Tommy. Damn. That’s kinda sad.
Wilbur pulled the steering wheel to the side with all his strength, making the car spin to face the side before taking off down the next road just as fast. Tommy’s face pressed against the window of the car door.
He looked up at the night sky. “A little help?” He glared.
He doesn’t even have a license Lisa!~
Tommy banged his head on the glass. Fucking movie references. Everyone hates him tonight.
Wilbur reached over and ruffled his hair. “Don’t worry, I’ll buy the biggest bag of Cheeto Puffs money can buy.”
“It’s 2 AM.”
“And that’s exactly why.”