Chapter Text
Leo awoke with a receding headache, withering back into the same place the darkness went; deep inside of him, repressed by the urge for responsibility.
When Leo took his next breath, he smelled no dust, and his mind was no longer whirling with a mantra of danger danger danger. In its stead, a numbness of peace remained. His abdomen still hurt like it had been stabbed, his shell felt rubbed raw, and his leg pulsed with discomfort.
The ceiling pulsed, convulsing in on itself, spiraling high above. But when Leo blinked a couple times, it steadied itself out to be nothing more then white drywall. Or dry ceiling. Bum bum tiss.
There was no urge to get up and start running. Nothing creaked or groaned. A fan whirred off to the side, distant.
There was nothing else here but Leo and his heartbeat.
And unsteady breathing coming from his side.
Leo turned his head, gaze narrowed in a threat, ready to fight off the intruder. His eyes met only Raph’s. Wide, heartbroken, staring at Leo like he couldn’t possibly be real.
“You’re awake.” Raph whispered at him. Leo realized Raph had been holding his hand as he slept and hadn’t let go yet. He was loved. He was alright.
“So are you,” Leo echoed, staring right back.
Raph blinked, a look of confusion painting his face for a moment, and then turned so, so bitter. “Yeah.” He grumbled. “Suppose I am.”
“How—?” Leo’s voice sounded wrong. Raspy. Which, to be fair, was probably from underuse. How long had he even been out this time? “When did— you… wake up?” Talking was painful. He sat there, gasping at the ceiling for a long moment as Raph put a steadying hand on his chest.
“Took me about a day,” Raph told him once Leo had recovered his breath. “I— uh. Got hit in the head pretty bad. Had a concussion and everything!” He giggled nervously, and then changed the subject as quick as he could. Leo filed that away for later. “How about you? How are you feeling?”
“Everything… hurts.” Leo whined. It’s was as close as he could get to the truth. Even the hand Raph was holding felt wrung out. But, considering how tightly Raph held things while sleeping, it probably was.
“Geez, okay.” Raph glanced around, and then snatched up a bottle of painkillers. “Think you can stomach a couple pills?”
Leo gave a thumbs-up. “Water?”
“With water, you got it.” Raph nodded towards the nightstand table, which housed a singular glass of water. And then he began to busy himself with fighting the pill bottle, trying to pry it open. His big hands made it hard, so Leo just enjoyed the show for a moment.
As Raph approached again, however, Leo broke his silence, gettting his arms underneath him to sit up. “How long…?”
“Hm?” Raph blinked, looking up in surprise. His face had a slow processing look for just a moment, and then he smiled bright. “Oh! It wasn’t nearly as bad this time! You were only down for a month. Donnie said that because you overextended yourself — twice!” that part was said with a glare that was completely uncalled for “—that it would take you a while to recover fully.”
“Three months.” Leo echoed numbly. His head spun. “I missed out on— Three months—” That wasn’t even counting the time spent in the Prison Dimension. Leo didn’t want to think about that.
“Aw,” Raph frowned, reaching out to hold Leo’s hand again. It was the palm he was using to hold the pill, so it sat between their hands, grossly absorbing moisture. “Yeah you… You’ve missed out on a lot, bud.”
“Mikey’s hands— His eyes—”
“Woah, woah, don’t worry about all that.” Raph soothed, setting down the glass of water to brush his hand against the top of Leo’s head. “His hands are recovering a little every day. He can pick some things up. And his eyes are great. There was just a bunch of dust, so it was just a lot of washing things out. By the time I woke up, he was just looking a little red.”
“Donnie?”
“Great. April and Pops bundled him right up, and his arm’s been doing great. We just had to force him to rest for, like, a week.” Raph promised, beaming at him. “And before you ask, Pops has been running around and pulling his own weight like a boss, and my concussion is pretty much all healed up..”
Leo nodded, finally satisfied, tipping his head back against the cushions again.
“…let’s get you those painkillers, now.” Raph encouraged, released Leo’s hand. Immediately, he pouted down at the dissolved pill. “I’ll grab another pill, and then I’ll let everyone know you’re awake, okay?”
Leo hummed, struggling his arms fully out of the blankets, watching Raph as he reached to wrestle with the capsule again. It wasn’t nearly as entertaining to watch the second time, as Raph had figured out what trick to use to pry it open.
“How’s your shell?” Leo asked, to break the silence, gaze landing on the hole piercing over Raph’s left shoulder. “It doesn’t…” He paused, drifting off to stare at the wall, and then tried again. “...it looks okay, but. I dunno. Does it hurt?”
“Naw,” Raph shrugged, but the way he immediately reached up to put a hand over it seemed to be contrary. “It feels the same as anything else. My eye’s great, too. Just had an adjustment period with that, too. But, hey. All of the healing stuff is over for all of us now. ‘cept you.”
Leo winced, drawing his attention fully to the ceiling again. Look at him, holding his family back. He was glad he had been able to save them, don’t get him wrong, but he wished he had managed to hold onto enough energy to stay awake. Maybe then he would've healed more. As it was, though, he–
Wait. “Uh– April’s classmate. Is this her ranch?” Leo asked, rolling his eyes to Raph. “Or have we moved?”
“Naw, still the farmhouse.” Raph shrugged. “The ranch thing was false advertising. No animals here. It’s just a spot with a huge forest nearby and a lotta property. Far as we can tell, the EPF doesn’t know we’re anywhere near here, either. Might not even know this place exists. Donnie’s been setting up cameras and stuff. Updating security systems, making it a full thing. We, uh… I dunno.”
“Has he started– mmngh.” Leo blinked as a sharp pain burst through his abdomen, and he tucked a hand around it, hoping to stifle some of it. From Raph’s worried expression, it didn’t work. “–looking for a new lair? In the city?”
“We haven’t talked about that yet.” Raph admitted, staring at Leo. “We– That’s not important. Here, let’s get you a pill, then I’ll start grabbing everyone, m’kay?”
“We can’t stay here forever. The owners are gonna come back eventual–!”
“We know, Leo.” Raph promised, looking at him sadly. “We know they are. April’s parents are gonna get worried, too. They probably are worried. But it’s not safe in the city yet. There’s been news announcements and stuff. I wish we could, but we can’t go back yet. So– I dunno. We’re just not risking it yet. Can you take a pill now?”
Leo accepted it, reluctantly, hoping it wasn’t the type to make him tired. He didn’t want to risk falling asleep. Ever again, if he could help it. But just until he could hold a real conversation with everyone, and begin making plans to find somewhere else, somewhere safer, to live.
Raph waited until he had swallowed it and had drunk at least half the glass of water before straightening, flashing Leo with a gentle smile. Leo couldn’t remember the last time Raph had looked at him so tenderly. They had been fighting for so long.
“I’m going to grab everyone, okay?” Raph pressed, for the umpteenth time. “Think you can hold on long enough for me to gather the troops? I don’t want them to think I’m just messing with them; you know how they get.”
“Yeah.” Leo nodded, giving his own reassuring smile right back. He didn’t know how well he did, but it made Raph relax regardless. “I’ll still be here.”
Raph urgently bobbed his head, and then was charging out of the room at top speed to find everyone. As his footsteps disappeared outside the room, Leo was left to his own thoughts.
The fan was still an overpresent noise. The ceiling stayed in place, and did not move. The blankets were warm but light, the perfect weight for the summer heat. But it was winter, and Leo was just the slightest bit cold. Not enough to be in danger. But cold, nonetheless.
He wondered, absently, if it was his guilt that made the cold so much unbearable. Cold soul, cold skin. Cool as blue. Cold as ice.
It wasn’t even that cold.
“Nardo?” Donnie asked, knocking on the door frame a couple times and looking in thoughtfully. He met Leo’s gaze and immediately relaxed. “Oh, good, you’re still awake. When Raph said he already gave you your painkillers–”
“Yeah, yeah, just go ahead and give the comatose brother the painkillers to make him fall asleep again–!” Leo enthused, just the slightest bit bitter over the confirmation. “What a brilliant idea, how to get rid of your least favourite brother in three easy– Dee?”
Donnie had sat down on the edge of Leo’s bed, staring at the floor distantly. He looked exhausted, eye bags pulling down at his face.
“Are you okay?” Leo asked, reaching out towards Donnie’s arm.
Donnie flinched away. Leo let his hand fall.
“Donald.” Leo urged, beginning to reach out his bad leg to poke Donnie, but then thought better of it. It hurt, and even just thinking about moving it made it worse. “Please, talk to me. If it’s about me using too many portals–”
“Yeah, yeah, it worked, you were right. It was the only safe option. That let all of us get out alive.” Donnie rubbed the back of his neck. He still didn’t fully look at Leo again. “But Leo, you– You don’t get it. Because you’ve been sleeping, you’ve been gone.”
What didn’t Leo get? Whatever it was, he’d try to understand. He wanted to help, to protect, and he needed all of the information to even begin.
You don’t get, Donnie continued, silently, laying out all his thoughts for Leo to feel, how “two months of loneliness, utterly alone,” a distant loop of feedback played, one that stabbed Leo in the heart, turns to “he’s awake, he’s alive, he’s gone, he’s not coming back why won’t he wake up I had him again and then I didn’t my fault my fault my fault”.
Leo gasped from the wave of agony that pierced his heart, his soul, his everything.
You don’t understand what it’s like to lose you, have you again, for only a moment, and then lose you again. If you hadn’t— We would’ve all died without you, Leo. But instead we lost you again. Your foot’s even worse now than it was, your energy was completely depleted. Twice. You— It would’ve been better to pull you out of the Prison Dimension again then deal with this.
Leo didn’t know what to say to that.
And then you begin talking about yourself like you’re a waste of space, like you’re my least favourite, like we hate you, and only keep you around for your portals— Donnie breathed out through his nose, sharp, like he wasn’t twisting the knife in. But we don’t. I love you, Leo. Even before you were using portals, even before you saved us all. I would say I love you all equally, but that’s a lie. I love you the most.
Leo stared at Donnie. Donnie finally stared back.
You’re not allowed to think the invasion was your fault. And you’re certainly not allowed to blame yourself for the EPF—
“It was my fault, though!” Leo burst out loud, slicing through the silence. He winced at the sudden difference in volume, setting his face in his hands. “If I wasn’t in a coma, if I hadn’t caused the invasion, they never would’ve thought we were a threat, and—”
“That’s a lie and you know it.” Donnie huffed, reaching out to smack the back of his head. “So you made a mistake by losing the key. But you tried so hard to fix it that you almost got yourself killed. The EPF would’ve seen us as threats with or without the invasion. And if you had been conscious, you would’ve been a target, too. Just like the rest of us. Then none of us would’ve gotten out.”
Leo fidgeted. Donnie had a point, but it didn’t erase the deep feeling of guilt, buried in his throat.
“You’re awesome, Leo.” Donnie told him, but despite his words, he glared. “And I thought you knew that. You acted like you knew that. How don’t you?”
“Well of course I’m awesome!” Leo hastened to agree. It felt blasphemous to say, but Donnie was right. He had a reputation to live up to. “I’m just— I’m really terrible at maintaining a degree of awesomeness so I can always be awesome, y’know?”
“Oh my gosh.” Donnie deadpanned. “You have issues. Why won’t you talk to me? Why do I only ever learn there’s something wrong when our brains are linked?”
“Our brains are always linked!” Leo joked, aiming to annoy. “We’re twins, it’s kind of in the job description—”
“Why aren’t you taking this seriously?” Donnie wondered, brow creased. “All I want is for you to take this seriously. Leonardo, you’re hurt. And I’m not talking about here,” he put his hand on Leo’s leg, “or here,” pressed against Leo’s ribcage, “I’m talking about here.” His placed his finger on Leo’s forehead. “Your dumb-dumb brain is hurt, and it won’t listen to me.”
“I’m trying!” Leo insisted. “But you’re— You’re wrong, Donnie. I could’ve done better. I could’ve been better. If I was stronger, I could’ve saved all of you. I could’ve dug you out, and you wouldn’t have been shot.”
“I can’t believe you’re not hearing yourself right now.” Donnie grasped Leo’s shoulders. “Please, please, tell me that’s not what you actually think.”
“Wasn’t Raph going to get everyone else?” Leo shifted awkwardly, eying the door.
“I specifically requested to have five minutes alone with you when you first woke up again.” Donnie scoffed, and squeezed even tighter. “And everyone agreed. Leo, you endangered yourself. You got hurt trying to save us all. And you did, but you just— I love you. Leonardo, I love you. You terrify me.”
Don’t want to be alone again.
Logically I know it can’t be my fault. But I blame myself anyway. My mind isn’t getting the memo. But that’s a stupid answer. And I don’t want to tell you that.
Leo. That’s not a stupid answer.
It’s just not the right one.
Stop it. Stop thinking like that. Donnie scolded. I have to go through mental steps to make my logic and emotions line up all the time. I try to make myself fully logical, because my emotions lie. To you, and to me. Mostly to me.
That doesn’t sound healthy.
It feels perfectly healthy. But that’s not the point. Donnie took a deep breath, and held on. The point is that I adore you. And you don’t get to blame yourself. Even emotionally.
Leo closed his eyes. He did blame himself, though. Donnie could fight him tooth and nail, and so could his logic, but–
Leo’s mind plagued him. Darkness swarmed him, claws on his shell. Beat again, and again, because he ruined everything. He didn’t just crush the Kraang’s plans, but he ruined his brothers, the city he loved, all in the name of some selfish ploy.
It felt like being condemned all over again. Even if Donnie said he was okay. Even if Raph smiled at him and took care of him, and didn’t even raise his voice. Mikey’s hands were still damaged because he had pulled Leo out. And Master Splinter stared at him with nothing short of pure horror and heartbreak.
He had messed his brothers up from his stunt. He didn’t like seeing the aftermath. He didn’t like waddling through the destruction of the lair, knowing it was destroyed, and knowing his family had lost their home.
The collapse certainly wasn’t his fault. That much he knew. But he hadn’t done enough to help. He could’ve done more. If he wasn’t so weak, running on fumes, he could have. But instead–
“Knock knock!” Mikey sang, sticking his head over the side of the door and beaming at them. “Are you two done? Can I come and see our local champion now?”
“We’re as done as we’re going to get for now.” Donnie reluctantly allowed, standing up and withdrawing a few steps away to allow Mikey to throw himself at Leo.
His hands were still awkward and flailed about aimlessly, but once they found a grip they stayed there, Mikey’s warmth poured into Leo. “I’m so glad you’re okay,” Mikey whined into Leo’s shoulder, tears leaking onto Leo’s skin. “You scared us so bad, and you just– You wouldn’t stop. But you’re okay now, right?” He pulled back, patting Leo’s jaw and forehead anxiously. “Right?”
“I’m great, Mikey!” Leo beamed, though he didn’t feel great. Mikey was leaning slightly on his bad leg, and it made Leo want to scream. He didn’t, though. Refused to let it show on his face. “How about you? How are your hands, and your eyes?”
“Great! All healed up!” Mikey said, but Leo knew it was a lie just from his touch and from the cracks still running up to his shoulders. Guess they were both liars. Leo didn’t know how he felt about that. “I can’t believe you’re awake! Like, really awake. Nothing’s wrong, right? Some world ending threat, because that would suck, and–”
“Nope,” Leo promised, and sure enough, his brain wasn’t screaming at him about any danger. “Right as rain, Mikester. With any luck, I’ll be here to stay.”
“You better mean that,” Splinter interrupted, sliding into the room, eyes narrowed. April and Raph were on his heels. “Because after your recent bout of stupidity, you are grounded! For, heh, uh… Three months! At least!”
Leo snorted. “Dad, please. I’m okay. I’ll be portaling out of here in two weeks, minimum.”
“You say that now, but watch out! We’ll chain you to your bed! You are still recovering! From your absolutely stupidity! Oh, I’m sorry, did I mention that already?” Splinter pushed Mikey to the side, albeit gently, to hop onto the bed beside Leo, carefully avoiding all his injured limbs to cradle his face and turn it towards him. There was sorrow in his eyes.
His voice immediately lowered into nothing more than a whisper, whatever bantering they had going on immediately went to be replaced by gentle worry. “My son,” Splinter chided, hands on Leo’s cheeks. “You must stop doing that!”
“I’ve done a lot of stupid things recently.” Leo retorted from between his squished cheeks. “Gonna have to be a little more specific.”
“My son.” Splinter ducked his head in despair. “You must stop leading yourself to your death. When did love and sacrifice become synonyms in your mind, hmm? When did you begin thinking that to rescue us, you must drive yourself to the point of no return? Leonardo. When?”
Leo knew when. He knew it like he knew Karai’s brown eyes, staring at him with heartbreak from across the room. Anata wa hitori jan ai, she had said. A curse. A blessing. A death sentence. She had killed herself, for love for her father, for the world, for all that would come before and after.
Leo wanted to be just like her.
It would be his doom. It had already become his doom.
“The Hamatos have a nasty habit of driving themselves to perform incredible feats, all in the name of those they love.” Splinter continued, thumb carving soft circles against Leo’s skin. “And I– Without you we would have been caught. There is no denying that. But please. Please. You almost died two– No! Three times! Three times, Leonardo! Once during the invasion and twice when the lair fell! You are not allowed to do that! You are not allowed to gamble!”
“Not even at a casino?” Leo asked, meekly, and winced. No jokes. Not the time for jokes. Why couldn’t he just shut up?
“Not with your life, not with money.” Raph grumbled, reaching out to squeeze him into a hug.
“Maybe with candy during family game nights.” April offered as a compromise, and didn’t even flinch as Splinter and Raph rolled glaring eyes over to her. “What? Gotta have some balance.”
“No gambling with your life,” Donnie agreed, taking a step forward, ticking off on his fingers, “no blaming yourself, no focusing more on us then you. No thinking you’re not awesome. For someone with such a big ego–”
“I saved all of your lives.” Leo argued, beginning to bristle. “I think I’m allowed to–”
“You did.” Mikey agreed, nodding. “You saved all of us. But you hurt yourself, too. You wouldn’t even let us try to help. This is a team. We work together. And yeah, maybe Dad and I wouldn’t have been able to help anyway. Maybe April wouldn’t have arrived in time. But you coulda had backup anyway. Kept one of us nearby. Borrowed some of our ninpō!”
“Yours was running at an all-time low–”
“And so was yours! You’re not winning this one, Leo.” Mikey leaned forward to bump Leo’s forehead again. “Dad could’ve given you something. Or you coulda taken a little from Raph. Or Donnie! We could’ve figured something out to keep you awake. We didn’t want to lose you again.”
Leo imagined having his brothers in a coma for months. He had already gotten a taste of it, locked away in the Prison Dimension, not having them nearby. But to stand there, to be a passive observer of their pain, instead of just separated by a dimensional wall? It hurt to even think about.
If they loved him as much as Donnie claimed, if they didn't see him as a failure… Leo could see why it would hurt. To live it.
Three months. Three months of fear, of anxiety, of waiting. Of waiting.
He could get that. He really could.
“I don’t know what you want me to promise you,” Leo told them, genuinely, “If I’m in a similar situation, I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Well, obviously don’t hurt us more than you hurt yourself.” Donnie scoffed, then reached out to smooth a hand over Leo’s forehead, like he was feeling for a temperature. Leo took the weak excuse for physical contact eagerly. “But don’t hurt us less either.”
“Give or take.” April volunteered, reaching out to squeeze his hand. “We’re a team, Leonardo. If you’re going to use portals like crazy, I wouldn’t have minded being abducted out of my classroom.”
“I couldn’t do that–”
“I know.” April interrupted, looking down at their hands and then back at him. “Sorry for snapping. I just… First thing Mikey said on the phone was that you were awake and being stupid. You scared me. You scared all of us.”
Leo could get that. “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you for saving us.” Raph put in, touching their foreheads together. “You’re amazing, Leo.”
“I’d do it again in a heartbeat.” Leo promised, leaning into the touch. “But next time, I’ll take you guys down with me.”
“That’s all we ask.” Splinter smiled, wrapping his arms firmly around Leo’s abdomen.
And it was there, surrounded by his loving family on all sides, their warmth seeping into him, that Leo felt at peace. He felt proud. Maybe still guilty over the invasion, but proud. They had survived this because of him. And he had survived the Prison Dimension because of them.
As long as they had each other, they would keep on surviving. They would live.
That was all Leo wanted.