Chapter Text
“Friend.”
Hitori didn’t like this word. Or rather, she didn’t like how carelessly other people used it, labeling almost anyone they knew as friends. It made the word begin losing its meaning, being split between so many people. Maybe she was the weird one here, but for her, “friend” was a title with a deep meaning, deep connection behind it, and she would hand it out to only the closest few.
That was why she didn't like the way complete strangers could so easily become friends in a span of weeks, sometimes days. Not that it was her deal, but she felt that "friends" shouldn't be made that quickly — if those bonds were so easily woven, they were going to be torn apart just as easily.
...but that was just a small part of it. What she really didn’t like… was how effortlessly all of it seemed to be happening for everyone, like those thoughts never bothered them at all. Greetings, small talk, finding common interests and forging new bonds — it all looked so natural for them, as if growing closer to others was a requirement for their survival. They were pulled towards each other by some sort of gravitational force...
And she didn’t have one. No one was pulled towards her, and she couldn't bring herself up to even take a step closer to others.
She was chained by her nervousness; she couldn’t even think about trying to talk, scared that she would be annoying or that she wouldn't belong, or that she would fit just as well as a plane fits in a pencil box. And being as shy as she was, she would always hide away from the crowd.
So no one ever saw her. The loud ones who had no trouble with making “friends” didn’t even try to reach out to her, not once.
And honestly, she could understand it. She was boring, unathletic and rather dumb. Her interests were niche, and on her best days, she was average-at-most-looking. She knew there was no reason for anyone to reach out to her. Not to mention that she was always distant, so it wouldn’t surprise her if no one even knew she existed.
Plus, she didn’t really mind it. Seeing her classmates talk endlessly about little to nothing, gathering more and more people together to go for karaoke, movies, cafes or whatever they could come up with at that fleeting moment, she felt the urge to throw up. All of it looked so exhausting, overwhelming, and way too loud, she’d rather stay at home to read a book, watch something on her own, or just stare at the ceiling with her headphones on and listen to music.
And yet, watching them spend time together, looking at their satisfied smiles, listening to their cheerful chatter, hearing their joyful laughs… no matter how exhausting all of it felt, no matter how “fake” most of those relationships looked, she couldn’t help it. She couldn’t stop something dark and muddy from taking over her, something disgusting and pathetic coming up from the depths of her.
She couldn’t help but feel… jealous.
Jealous of being careless. Jealous of not being alone.
Jealous of being happy.
Looking at them every day, feeling more and more insecure about herself, she was jealous of being noticed. She saw people connect, reach out to each other, reach out to new people, even to newcomers, seemingly ignoring just her . She could only think of one thing: there was something wrong with her, and soon, insecurities and feelings of her own inadequacy started to overwhelm her.
`There is something wrong with me.`
`Why can't I just be normal?`
`It's not that hard.`
`I'm pathetic.`
And it was too much. Slowly drowning in her jealousy that was spreading its dark roots throughout her, pressured by the fear of missing out on her school life and being unlike everyone else, chocked by the pain of loneliness... she couldn’t take it anymore.
But instead of hiding from the world, trapped in her shell, as many would expect, she surprised even herself with an unexpected fit of bravery out of desperation, and risked it all.
Ignoring incoming panic attacks, trying to keep her stomach at bay, doing her best to ignore her heart beating way too quickly, echoing in her ears like an increasingly fast drum roll, she did something she never was able to do before, something she never thought she could do before.
Going to school, she forced a little, “Hi” whenever she passed by her classmates. Then, she tried to join in the supposedly interesting conversations, first with just occasional hums and nods, then with one-word responses, then with full-on sentences. And once, even invited her classmates for lunch.
And, for the first time in her life, she felt included. Things were starting to look up. She thought that she finally became a part of the group, even if these relationships in their entirety were “fake” by her beliefs. They responded to her greetings, they weren’t disgusted by her presence, and they seemed like they didn’t mind her company. She thought that she found her place and slowly, life started to feel less miserably.
But that was it. When her nerves finally got the better of her after all, and she couldn’t speak up… no one even noticed. They weren't bothered that she didn't greet them, they didn't notice the lack of her presence in their group, and their lunch and daily lives in general went just about as usual. No one cared, whether she was there or not.
They were her "friends." But she surely wasn't their friend.
They didn’t care about her before, and now they forgot all over again. She reached out her hand, but no one took it. No matter how long she waited, her hand remained cold and alone — because they were too busy trying to connect to other people.
So, she just stopped trying. She gave up.
She got too scared to try again. Scared that she never mattered, scared to feel abandoned again. Knowing how little they actually cared, she was scared things would get even worse. Scared to be completely ignored, scared to be laughed at, scared to be humiliated. Scared that the only reason they ever talked to her was to make fun of her between themselves. And those fears started evolving, each day being worse than the previous one, as they slowly chewed on her from the inside. They started taking over her life and put the shackles of “Social Anxiety” on her, sentencing her to a life of loneliness and solitude.
But somehow, she still had hope. A little spark inside of her, still thinking that it wasn’t over yet . Because, even if she understood why people didn’t care about her, it didn’t mean she accepted it. Because, after all, loneliness was a bitch .
Seeing that interview with the guitarist, who claimed to be a loner in his school years, turned that spark into a flame. Hearing a story of someone — someone who probably went through the same hardships as her and was able to shine so brightly on the stage — she saw her chance.
If she would stop being so boring, people wouldn’t forget her. If she became a cool rocker girl, people would reach out to her and want to be in her company. If she was surrounded by her fans, she wouldn’t feel lonely ever again. With those thoughts, she poured all of her time into learning guitar…
Hitori came back to her senses. Focusing her sight, she looked around her hideout under the staircase, unable to see anything in the darkness, and let out a heavy sigh. Without even noticing, she ended up delving into her memories again. She smiled bitterly, thinking about those naive thoughts from three years ago. People wouldn’t forget her? Would reach out to her? As if.
Sitting by herself, away from people, in this dark, little space of the stairwell, forgotten about by her high school classmates, Hitori opened her lunchbox that she had no one to share with. Nothing had changed since. She picked up playing guitar, spent hundreds, thousands of hours practicing… to no effect. She was still a nervous wreck that had no worth in others' eyes and no hopes of reaching out herself. The spark of hope inside her was long dead. And honestly, by this point, she accepted it.
But accepting it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt .
With another sigh, she looked at the lunch that her mother lovingly made and picked a piece of karaage with her chopsticks. Placing it in her mouth, Hitori felt the joy spreading through her. It was little moments like this that made her daily life bearable. Eating her favorite meals, playing guitar, going home from school with music singing in her ears… and that was about it.
Hitori shook her head and reprimanded herself for being this negative. Sure, having lunch by herself in some dark corner made it look like it all really remained the same, but her life did change. Even if it was hard to shook off the engulfing darkness, she had a new spark in her life. Someone actually was interested in her. She still had a hard time believing it actually happened, she doubted it every single day, but it did .
And, she was eternally grateful to the girl who found her. To Kita. Someone, who had seemingly no reason to look for her, and yet she did. And, this time, she really felt that someone cared about the fact of her existence.
And yet…even if she trusted her, even if she felt that Kita's words were sincere, she still had hard time actually believing her. Despite everything, she couldn't help but overthink and drown even deeper into the darkness instead. Continuing the descent down the memory lane, she felt the memories of her first high school days invade her. And, as it usually was the case, there was nothing she could do to stop it
So she gave in again.