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“I want to be President of the United States of America.” Knuckles says one afternoon as he and Sonic were driving around town. After just washing his car, it was already covered in the blood of innocent pedestrians.
“Oh? Why would you want to be President of the United States of America?” Sonic asks, bouncing a bit in his seat when Knuckles drives over some poor old woman.
“Because Sonic, I could do so much better at being president of the United States of America than the current one. You know, they want to pass a bill that gives women the freedom to choose what happens with their own bodies? They’ll start complaining even more than they already do when I punch them into infertility!”
“Then I say you go for it! The next election is coming up soon and now’s the perfect time to start your campaign. You’ve already got my vote, and you haven't even done anything yet.”
Knuckles holds his hand up to stop Sonic, completely taking his attention off the road and turning to face his boyfriend. “I wont need to do any campaigning to win this election, I’ll simply punch the other candidates! If anyone complains, I’ll just punch them too.” He smiles proudly at himself for coming up with such a great idea.
Sonic nods in agreement, his boyfriend was the smartest guy in the world.
They hold hands, leaning into each other for a kiss that’s abruptly stopped as they lurch forward when the car suddenly crashes into a tree. They laugh together and get out of the wrecked car, fleeing the scene before any authorities can get there to try and arrest them. Not that it really mattered anyways, Knuckles would simply punch them.
Two days later, Knuckles barges into the white house and straight into the current President of the United States of America’s office, fists up and ready for punching. “I’m the President of the United States of America now. Leave.” He demands.
“You can’t do that! You need to first be elected and-”
Knuckles shuts the former President of the United States of America up with a punch and takes his rightfully earned place at the President of the United States of America’s desk. “I am now the President of the United States of America. My first order of business will be to make abortions mandatory. No woman is to have a baby ever again because babies are slimy and weird. I don’t want the possibility of having to see one ever again.”
Knuckles picks up a pen and some parchment, intending to write down his new law, but was unable to because of his huge, muscular punching hands could not properly hold the pen and all he ended up doing was punching the paper. So instead, he just punched the laws that gave women their rights which cancelled it out. This is how it works.
The road laws were next., and just as Knuckles was about to get started, Sonic walks in. “Hey Knuckles, now that you’ve become President of the United States of America like you wanted, would you like to go on a date this evening and grab some Moms spaghetti from Tim Horton's?”
“Maybe a different day Sonic, I am very busy presidenting. The former President of the United States of America has done an awful job and I have to fix it all before we can go on any dates.” Knuckles continues punching the laws, unaware that he had hurt his boyfriends feeling by rejecting his idea and prioritizing his work.
Sonic sits on a park bench, sad and lonely. Chaos irrupting around him with each law that Knuckles punches. People just really don’t know how to act when there’s no one to tell them whats right and wrong. It’s a good thing Knuckles was going to fix it all. At least that’s what Sonic tells himself. Knuckles will come around eventually and realize how much he misses Sonic.
A depressed sigh comes from Sonic’s left. He turns towards it to see Shadow sitting next to him, looking just as sad and lonely as Sonic felt.
“Heya Shadow buddy, why so glum?” Sonic asks. Shadow is usually brooding in dark corners or shooting people for fun, not out on a park bench.
“You know how it is, Sonic. There’s no point in crime if there’s no laws against it. So now I’m just stuck thinking about my past and how good I had it before everything went wrong. You know, it all started when I was born, on July 16th, 2063 at 12:13 AM, and neither my father nor my mother showed up-”
“Woah buddy, I never asked for your life story! If you need a therapist, Knuckles is a great one, but not me. Id refer you to him, but hes been so caught up in his new job of being President of the United States of America that he has no time for anything, or anyone, else.”
“Oh.” is all Shadow says, looking at Sonics pathetic, weepy form with as much sympathy as he’s capable (none). “If you're lonely, we could go and get some ice cream together so you wont be so lonely.”
“Sure.” Sonic replies, mildly surprised by the suggestion, but it’s not like he had anything better to do.
Back in Knuckles office, he had just finished punching all the laws into oblivion, and had decided to leave the whole rewriting new, better ones until the next day. He was hungry and dialed Sonics phone number to ask him if he still wanted to go on that Moms Spaghetti date.
“Hello.” Said Knuckles phone in Sonics voice.
“Hello Sonic. Would you still like to get Moms Spaghetti with me? My work is done for today.”
“No thank you Knuckles. Since you were busy, Shadow took me for ice cream.”
Knuckles gasped, Sonic never turned down an opportunity for Moms Spaghetti! And to get ice cream with Shadow? To say that Knuckles was furious would be an understatement. He never would have believed that his beautiful, perfect boyfriend would do such a thing to him!
“You come home right now!” Knuckles yelled into the poor phone. Only HE was allowed to take his boyfriend on dates, nobody else. “That’s a direct order from the President of the United States of America!”
“No.” Knuckles phone simply says in Sonics voice and hangs up.
Knuckles was fuming, He stormed out of the white house and goes to every ice cream shop in the United States of America until he finally finds the one Sonic’s at.
He was sitting at a table in awkward silence With Shadow, both of them slowly eating their melting ice cream. Shadow really didn’t know what he was thinking inviting Sonic here with him. It didn’t involve running or fighting so neither of them knew what to do.
Knuckles runs up, and before he could even react to Knuckles presence, Shadow gets punched back, hitting the wall of the ice cream store and falling to the ground. Since he was already dead inside, he didn’t bother screaming in pain like most of Knuckles other victims, which made for a very boring show, but that’s not what Knuckles was here for anyways.
“Knuckles!” Sonic gets between his boyfriend and Shadow before any more punching can happen. “Why would you punch Shadow? He clearly wasn’t pregnant!”
“Well now he never will be. That’s not the point though, you got ice cream together!”
“As two sad, lonely people. I don’t know what’s wrong with Shadow, but you’ve been so busy presidenting, there's no time for me in your schedule any more.”
“Its been 8 hours and 27 minutes, Sonic. Exactly how needy are you?”
“Oh.”
They stand in silence, thinking of what to say to each other next until Knuckles speaks up again.
“I’ll quit being President of the United States of America.” He declares. “You are more important to me than being President of the United States of America, so long as you stay exactly as you are and never change.”
“Are you sure? I know how much you loved holding all legal power over the entire country.”
“No law has stopped be from doing what I want before, why should it now? And besides, it’ll take them forever to rewrite all the old laws back the way they were. Now lets get that Moms Spaghetti.”
“Yay!” Sonic says. They hold hands and prance off into the distance, and the entire United States of America sighs in relief at Knuckles resignation.
Shadow watches them leave and says to himself, “I guess I’ll be able to book that therapy appointment now.”