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Wei Ying had always believed in honesty, in being true to his heart. So, when he first crossed swords with Lan Wangji in The Cloud Recesses, and felt that overwhelming warmth in his heart, that pull towards the Second Jade, the flush in his skin and the smile that couldn’t wipe itself from his lips, he couldn’t help but let it slip out:
“I think I love you.”
Lan Wangji narrowed his eyes. “Stupid.”
Wei Ying felt his heart break the slightest bit, but it was alright. They had just met, after all.
Lan Zhan was confused. How could he feel this magnetic pull to such an uncouth individual? Declaring his love when he was blatantly fighting against the rules? No, it must be a mistake. He must be getting teased.
And so, Wei Ying tried to spend as much time with Lan Zhan as possible, bothering him for his attention. It was just too fun to watch him transform from the stoic Second Jade to the annoyed Lan Zhan. He was always alone, too, and Wei Ying was determined to be, at the very least, his friend.
Lan Zhan was just so beautiful, so regal and perfect, and was easily Wei Ying’s equal. Both intellectually, and physically. Wei Ying could feel his heart burst with warmth even as Lan Zhan became his disciplinarian in the library.
He couldn’t help it. “I love you, Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying smiled, passing his copied rules for the day. Lan Zhan snatched it away with a glare.
“Get lost.”
Wei Ying’s smile faltered slightly, but he still laughed. “One day, Lan Zhan!” He chirped as he stood and walked away.
Lan Zhan stared at Wei Ying’s back, his ears warm and red from embarrassment. He couldn’t understand Wei Ying’s game, what was he playing? He couldn’t be sincere, not when he keeps joking and pestering Lan Zhan.
Lan Zhan was safe from the water ghouls. Wei Ying breathed out a sigh of relief. He quickly explained himself to Lan Zhan, the reasoning behind his actions and how he would never intentionally splash water on the Second Jade, pouting when Lan Zhan didn’t even bother to look at his direction. He managed to drift close enough to Lan Zhan to whisper:
“Come on, Lan Zhan, of course I’ll protect you. I love you.”
“Shut up.” Lan Zhan glared, fist clenching his own sword. “Get lost.”
Wei Ying grinned with his hands up in the air, before turning back to the problem in hand. If his smile faded, well, nobody would have to know.
Lan Zhan couldn’t help but feel his heart skip a beat. How could he be so clever and so level headed, and yet be against everything Lan Zhan has grown up to admire? It was too close, the water ghouls were right under him and he was so close to getting ambushed, but here comes that shameless boy with a blinding smile and –
Lan Zhan stared at the two bunnies with such a soft look on his face.
“I love you.” Wei Ying exhaled, unable to stop himself.
Lan Zhan jerked, glaring at Wei Ying with distaste.
“Sorry Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying laughed, “you were just so pretty, it came out!”
“Ridiculous. Shameless.” Lan Zhan retorted, before turning and walking away.
Only when Lan Zhan was out of his sight did Wei Ying let the smile disappear.
Lan Zhan brought the two rabbits to the back hills and tried to calm his heart. How can he be so shameless? How can he be so confident, saying those words so easily? Making Lan Zhan’s heart race, being so kind and thoughtful and…
Wei Ying watched Lan Zhan limp into the Wen Indoctrination, alone, after hearing what happened to the Cloud Recesses and took that personally.
So what if Jiang Cheng would get mad at him? So what if he was thrown to the dungeons?
Wei Ying recited the Lan Rules in front of Wen Chao because he knows the rules were a comfort to Lan Zhan. He spent the entire indoctrination by Lan Zhan’s side, talking to him to distract him from worrying about his missing brother, about his sect. He peppered in his confessions, his little “I love you’s” not expecting any response, just reminding Lan Zhan that Wei Ying’s feelings hasn’t changed, that his world hasn’t been completely crumbled.
“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying whispered as he was losing consciousness after their heroic actions against the Turtle of Slaughter, “Lan Zhan, my love, sing me a song would you?”
Wei Ying says he has a bad memory, but he etched every note out of Lan Zhan’s lips to his very soul.
‘Thank you,’ Lan Zhan wanted to say as Wei Ying did everything he could to cheer Lan Zhan up, to stay by his side and to make sure Lan Zhan is comfortable. Lan Zhan’s heart felt so full of love and warmth and relief, but he couldn’t say anything. He was greedy. He wanted to take and take and take every single word and gesture, after having everything taken from him. Next time, though. Next time.
Wei Ying left the Burial Mounds, tortured, traumatized, and changed. He left the mounds stitched together with resentment and with newfound powers he never wanted.
He looked to the sky, knowing Lan Zhan is under the same stars.
“Aiya, Lan Zhan…” He sighed, black smoke emitting from his lips, “how could you love me now?”
Where are you Wei Ying? You can’t be dead. You can’t be –
“Demonic cultivation will destroy your mind, your body, your temperament.” Lan Zhan was glaring at him. How could he be so beautiful and angry.
Wei Ying distracted himself with his flute. He swallowed everything down.
‘You don’t understand, I’m hurt Lan Zhan, I’m injured beyond repair. I have no core to heal me, I have no spiritual energy to fall back on. They tortured me Lan Zhan, they broke my body and tossed me in the pit. I’m scared. I’m weak. I’m in so much pain. The resentment is keeping me together, please –’
No.
Lan Zhan can’t know.
“What do others know about my temperament? Strange, because I still love you. You’re so beautiful, Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying settled on saying, because it was the only thing he could say that is true. Lan Zhan was the first ray of light he has seen since being captured. Since Lotus Pier…
“Wei Wuxian!” Lan Zhan glared.
Ouch.
Wei Ying’s heart cracked further. “Lan Wangji.”
Lan Zhan was relieved only to be worried again. Why is Wei Ying like this? What has corrupted him so? How dare the resentment taint Wei Ying’s love for Lan Zhan? How can Wei Ying still say such sweet words surrounded by darkness? Lan Zhan will have to keep an eye on him, purify him. Next time. Next time.
They won.
They won and Wei Ying will now have to live with the consequences.
They won. They won and Lan Zhan has time.
That nameless Jin was humiliating Lan Zhan. Not on his watch. Never on his watch.
Wei Ying took the alcohol for Lan Zhan, downing it in one go and turning the cup upside-down to show the Jin that it was finished. He made sure to send a flirtatious wink towards Lan Zhan, mouthing the words, ‘I love you’.
Lan Zhan, who was looking up at him with wide eyes, suddenly looked away with a scoff.
But Wei Ying was determined to figure out what happened to Wen Ning, so he tucked that heartbreak away with all the rest and got ready to announce his intentions. He’ll mourn it later.
Lan Zhan’s heart was beating rapidly in his chest. Was this what maidens felt when they were saved by a handsome cultivator? Wei Ying looked so…suave and in control in that moment, and Lan Zhan couldn’t help but feel utterly besotted, so much so that he looked away. He almost whispered the words back, then and there, but Wei Ying had moved on to another point, and Lan Zhan was left to the side, quiet. It was fine. Next time. Next time.
Lan Zhan let them pass.
He stepped aside with his umbrella, under the rain, and let them pass. Wei Ying didn’t want to examine it too hard, he was rebelling against their way of life, but he knows he’s doing the right thing. These were innocents, they didn’t deserve what was happening to them. None of them were cultivators, for crying out loud!
He managed to pull aside to Lan Zhan as they moved forward.
“I love you, Lan Zhan.” He nodded.
Lan Zhan looked away. “Go away.”
That was fair. He was already asking for so much, he couldn’t ask for Lan Zhan’s love. He’s going against everything they stood for, everything they thought was good.
It didn’t ease the familiar break of his heart. How many more times can a heart break, he wondered.
Wei Ying nodded once more. “Goodbye.”
Lan Zhan couldn’t understand. Why was he doing this? How could he do such a thing, rebel against their values, and still say he loves Lan Zhan with the same sincerity as before. And yet, a part of Lan Zhan knew Wei Ying was right. He was in turmoil, confused, unable to connect the inherent good of the orthodoxy to the justice Wei Ying pursues. How could he think of love when this conflict is in his heart. Perhaps he could reconcile them next time. Next time.
This was illegal. Lan Zhan doting on A-Yuan? There is only so much Wei Ying can take. The child sat on his lap and Wei Ying couldn’t stop the words from bubbling inside him, don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t –
“I love you, Lan Zhan.”
Lan Zhan’s frown returned, and he gently pushed A-yuan away.
“Are you still practicing dark arts?”
Ah.
Wei Ying distracted himself by doting on A-Yuan, making sure he ate and taking care of the little boy, not meeting Lan Zhan’s eyes. His chest felt hollow, almost as hollow as the space where his golden core once resided. Continuous heartbreak and struggling to live and the constant presence of resentment and death…it was hard to manage. It was getting harder to smile.
Lan Zhan panicked. He had something to confirm here, he had to see the life Wei Ying made for himself here. He wanted to see for himself how Wei Ying – thin, underfed, Wei Ying, whose whole demeanor has dimmed – was doing. It was not the time to say it back, he had a personal mission to carry out. Next time. Next time.
“I love –” Wei Ying started, one hand in A-Yuan’s, the other waving Lan Zhan goodbye.
Lan Zhan turned to him with a glare. “Don’t say it.”
Wei Ying swallowed the declaration, dropping is hand. It hurt so much. He can’t stop hurting. How could his heart still be breaking? He already lost his family, lost his home, his core, and now…
He thought his heart was dust by now. It appears that even dust could still be crushed.
He could feel the wetness in his eyes, the sting of tears, but he immediately turned away, almost cursing A-Yuan when he started loudly asking “Why is Xian-gege crying?”
He carried the child and ran back to their little settlement.
Lan Zhan cursed himself. He merely didn’t want to hear that declaration as the last words of Wei Ying before parting. If he heard it now, he wouldn’t be able to leave, and he had to return to The Cloud Recesses. He didn’t expect it would make Wei Ying sad, make Wei Ying cry. He forced himself to walk away. Next time. Next time.
Wei Ying didn’t even say anything in Nightless City, but Lan Zhan turned his sword against him. That was, perhaps, the biggest confirmation of all.
“I always knew you hated me.” Wei Ying brought Chenqing up to his lips. “You could’ve just said it. You’re so cruel, Lan Zhan.”
“Wei Ying!”
The words were caught in Lan Zhan’s throat. ‘I don’t hate you! I love you, too! I’ve always loved you!’ Why is it caught now, now where it matters the most? But Wei Ying was already playing his dizi and Lan Zhan couldn’t say it.
Wei Ying can feel himself fading. Can feel the tempting pull of nothingness.
Heart broken, faith shattered, everyone he loves either hates him or has died. He wanted it all to end.
“Wei Ying, please…”
Lan Zhan was trying to pour energy into him, trying to heal him. How long before he finds out that Wei Ying is empty? That he has a gaping hole in his heart and his daitan.
“Wei Ying, I –“ Lan Zhan seems to be hesitating, aborting every other sentence. “Wei Ying, say it. Please, say it. One more time, please.”
Why did he have to be so cruel?
“I love you, Lan Zhan!” “Stupid.”
“Love you, Lan Zhan!” “Shameless.”
“Lan Zhan! I love you!” “Get lost.”
I love you. Rejection.
I love you. Rejection.
I love you. Rejection.
Wei Ying had already lost everything. Why does he need to break more? Why couldn’t Lan Zhan just let him die in peace? He always told Wei Ying to leave him alone, and now he can’t be extended the same courtesy?
Anger bubbled up in his chest and he swatted Lan Zhan’s hand away. “Get lost!”
Lan Zhan’s face fractured, the perfect jade cracked into visible misery and the cruel part of Wei Ying’s mind thought, ‘good’.
“Wei Ying –“
“Get lost!” He tried to flail. The energy Lan Zhan tried to give him dissipated into nothing. There was no core in his body, the same would be said for the love in his heart.
“Wei Ying you can’t mean –“
Wei Ying was already losing consciousness, losing his energy in his fit of rage, but he wanted to die fighting. He wanted to die having the last word. He wanted Lan Zhan to know how much it hurt.
With his vision fading he tried for his fiercest glare.
“I wish I never loved you, Lan Wangji!”
No, no, no, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I love you, I love you, don’t say that, please. I know I failed you, I know I failed. Don’t say you regret loving me, please, don’t, I’m sorry, I swear I’ll save you, just let me save you, I’ll be better, I’ll be better –
…
I’m sorry, Wei Ying, please answer my inquiry.
…
I still have to say it back, Wei Ying. Please answer my inquiry.
…
I love you, Wei Ying. Please answer my inquiry.
…
Your son has grown to a fine man. Please, answer my inquiry.
…
Did your wish come true? Do you hate me now? Please answer my inquiry.
…
If it’s any comfort, I wished you never loved me as well, so you could have been spared the pain of my incompetence. Please answer my inquiry.
Music in the woods, a familiar tune.
Wangxian…?
“You knew who I was in the Dafan Mountain.” Wei Ying looked over at Lan Zhan, who was still playing in his guqin. It was strange seeing him dressed down, without his guan. “Why did you protect me?”
The last note rung out, and Lan Zhan looked solemn.
“I have my regrets.” Lan Zhan’s voice was soft, sad. “Many regrets.”
Wei Ying tilted his head, indicating his curiosity and willingness to listen. Lan Zhan stood, walked quietly over to Wei Ying and knelt by the bed. He kept his eyes on the other man’s, neither breaking the contact or looking away. Lan Zhan looked solemn, while Wei Ying looked confused.
“I should have said it to you.” Lan Zhan spoke softly. “When it still mattered. I should have said it to you as soon as you first said it to me, but I was confused, then kept procrastinating until it was too late.”
“Said what?”
Wei Ying felt dread mounting in his veins. Surely not –
“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan’s voice was dripping with sincerity, “I love you.”
It should have been everything that Wei Ying wanted. He always imagined what it would be like should Lan Zhan return his feelings back then, how the words would change his entire life, upend everything and brighten the world around him, an explosion of love and happiness and color.
But…after all this time, after everything that happened, the words fell on him like soft tears on his shoulders.
Barely felt. Insignificant.
“Yeah.” Wei Ying was surprised at how little he felt. “You’re too late.”
Lan Zhan looked down, his body bowed over in sorrow. Wei Ying knew heartbreak, knew what it looked like, was very familiar with it and recognized it on anyone.
“Ah.” Lan Zhan seemed to be unable to speak. It sounded like it got caught in his throat.
Wei Ying shifted on the bed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you like this, but I don’t like lying about my feelings.”
Lan Zhan’s fists clenched. “You never have.”
It took Lan Zhan a long time to figure out that Wei Ying would lie about his wellbeing, but never about his feelings.
“I really did…ngh…you.” Wei Ying leaned back against the head of the bed. Did, past tense. He couldn’t even say the word love, opting for a sound instead. Lan Zhan winced when he heard it. “It was like my heart was on fire and it would burst and come alive every time you came around. I didn’t even mind that much that you would reject me, because you still let me stick to you when it mattered so I thought I would have a chance.” He fiddled with his thumbs. “But…the war happened, and the thing with the Wens and everything was so much and…well…” He shrugged, “you weren’t there. You never said anything. You shot me down every time. I thought you hated me. A heart can only take so much, Lan Zhan.”
Lan Zhan was unmoving, head bowed down so Wei Ying couldn’t see his face.
“I’m pretty sure a part of me is still….” Wei Ying looked away. “But…my heart has been broken so many times, by so many people, that all I felt towards the end was emptiness and pain.”
Wei Ying patted Lan Zhan’s hand, which came to rest on the side of the bed. “I’m sorry, Lan Zhan. I’ve reached my limit. I need to protect my heart. Whatever’s left of it, anyway.”
Lan Zhan’s hand clenched underneath his own. “I will protect Wei Ying’s heart.”
Wei Ying sighed. “Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, I would trust you with my life, you know this,” He patted Lan Zhan’s fist once more, “but I cannot trust you with my heart. You’ve never given me a reason to. And…” Wei Ying hesitated, but Lan Zhan needed to hear the truth. “I’m scared.”
Just thinking of the words coming out of his lips, allowing another ‘I love you’ to slip out. It’s like a patterned response at this point.
I love you. Rejection.
I love you. Rejection.
I love you. Rejection.
“There’s no need to be afraid.” Lan Zhan sounded steady.
“History says otherwise.” Wei Ying felt himself curl in, making himself smaller. “Seven years of rejections, Lan Zhan. Seven years of ‘stupid’, ‘shameless’, ‘boring’, ‘shut up’, ‘get lost’ –” he coughed, shaking his head to get those words out of his head. Even Lan Zhan shuddered. “I’m scared. I can’t trust you with my heart. Not when you’ve done nothing but break it.”
Perhaps it was something cruel to say, based on the way Lan Zhan seemed to slump even more, until his forehead was almost resting on the bed.
Wei Ying pursed his lips. “I understand if you want to throw me out.”
“No.”
Lan Zhan still hadn’t risen, but his voice was steady. Extremely steady, obviously unnatural.
“It’s dangerous for Wei Ying. We don’t know why you came back and –”
Right, the sword spirit. The Stygian Tiger Amulet.
Lan Zhan stood, but kept his face away. Wei Ying allowed him to pretend. He could see the tears on the bed anyway. “Wei Ying trusts me with his life. So. I’ll protect Wei Ying.”
“Alright.” Wei Ying nodded. “Alright.”
I’ll give him a few days. Wei Ying thought, looking out. He’ll give up on me by then.
“Wei Ying, I –“
Lan Zhan, even now, couldn’t say it. Even now as he tried to pour energy into Wei Ying so they could escape but nothing seems to be happening and he can’t understand what’s going on, and he has to say it now, he has to say it –
“Wei Ying, say it. Please, say it. One more time, please.”
Lan Zhan hoped that the words would give Wei Ying the strength to keep fighting, the strength to keep living, the strength to take his energy and stand and live on. Perhaps if he hears it one more time, Lan Zhan can say it back.
All he heard was a snarl. He looked up at Wei Ying, wondering if he was in pain…
But gone was the brightness of Wei Ying’s eyes when he looked at Lan Zhan. Gone was the soft smile Wei Ying kept for him. All he could see was anger and despair, and Lan Zhan felt his breath leave him. He had seen that look before on Wei Ying, but never was it directed at Lan Zhan.
“Get lost!”
Perhaps it was Lan Zhan’s greatest folly, to think that Wei Ying would never give up on him. That Wei Ying will always be smiling and saying he loves Lan Zhan, no matter what. That there would always be a Next Time, that nothing would change in between.
“Wei Ying –“
“Get lost!”
All those times Lan Zhan said that phrase to Wei Ying came back with a vengeance. Lan Zhan felt his heart fracture and split apart and wondered, with a bleeding heart, if this is what Wei Ying felt every time Lan Zhan turned him down.
“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan felt the tears well up in his eyes, “you can’t mean –“
Wei Ying was no longer smiling. No longer laughing. He was fading away, and even then, he was mustering up the energy to glare. Like he would rather die angry than to live with Lan Zhan.
“I wish I never loved you, Lan Wangji!”
There would be no more ‘Next time’. He had reached the end of the road.
Wei Ying had given up on him.
Too late.
Too late.
Too late.
Travelling with Wei Ying once more felt like simultaneously the best and the worst thing in the world. On one hand, he was back, he’s alive, and they’re side by side as they investigate the sword spirit.
On the other, it was silent.
Not purely silent, Wei Ying was asking one question after the other on how much has changed in 13 years, on the landscape and whatever he would find. In between, he would look around, all wide eyed and innocent.
But the lack of declarations, the little ‘I love you’s peppered in between breaths, in between topics, randomly scattered like little kisses along Lan Zhan’s face, that was all gone. The conversations were just that: conversations.
Lan Zhan never realized how much he looks for those little declarations of love until it was completely ripped away from his life. Until he realized he would never hear it again. Until the last words he ever heard from Wei Ying was “I wish I never loved you”.
And now, even if a part of Wei Ying still loves Lan Zhan, he can’t be trusted with his zhiji’s heart. Lan Zhan had squandered every opportunity to gain his trust, to protect his heart from breaking. The once reckless way Wei Ying declared his love was now smothered by fear of rejection.
Now it was his turn, the burning love in his heart aching with every smile, every breath where Wei Ying would usually fit in the little ‘I love you’s, now completely absent.
Which is fair. Lan Zhan has accepted the consequences of his actions.
As they crested the hill, Lan Zhan watched Wei Ying look over the horizon. The view from up here was beautiful, and it was a wonderfully sunny day. Lan Zhan could see the grassy fields reflect in Wei Ying’s eyes, the way the sun touched his skin, how he glowed with precious, precious life.
Oh –
“I love you.”
Lan Zhan couldn’t stop the words from coming out. Wei Ying blinked twice, then turned to Lan Zhan, surprised, before laughing, embarrassed. “Aiya, Lan Zhan, what brought that up?”
“Sorry, Lan Zhan.” A younger Wei Ying grinned. “You’re just so pretty it came out!”
Lan Zhan finally understood what Wei Ying was feeling then, the bubbling emotion that needed to be released in honest words, all that love and all that sincerity bursting out.
How could he have doubted it?
“You looked beautiful in the sun.” It was so easy now, for the words to come out. Where were these words 13 years ago? Back when it mattered the most? “I had to say it.”
Wei Ying huffed. Lan Zhan prepared himself for the fallout. He prepared for his own ‘Shut up’s and ‘Stop that’s and ‘Stupid’s to be fired back at him. He was prepared for the dreaded ‘Get lost’ to make its reappearance. He remembered how his heart had shattered at Wei Ying’s rejection in the cave. At the ‘You’re too late’ when he finally managed to say the words, compounded even more when he realized that this is what Wei Ying must have felt every time Lan Zhan cruelly shot him down. When he admitted that he was scared.
It was only right, he had hurt Wei Ying over and over again, it was about time he got a taste of his own heartbreak –
“Thank you, Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying smiled over his shoulder, then continued on his way.
Of course, Wei Ying defies expectation, is always kinder than the world has been to him. Has always been the better man than Lan Zhan.
“I wish I never loved you, Lan Wangji!” Wei Ying had said, after years of repeated heartbreak, the final straw of a man who had been long suffering.
“I’m scared, Lan Zhan.” He whispered, broken, because though the words were still on his lips, he refused say it out loud.
So, Lan Zhan squared his shoulders. He would take it as blanket permission.
It was his turn.
“I love you.”
It was astonishingly easy to say those words now. Whenever he feels his heart burst out of his chest, whenever Wei Ying looked particularly radiant, whenever Wei Ying says something intelligent, or does something amazing, or is so kind.
And so, he repeated them over and over again, every time the words felt like they needed to bubble out of him, every time he thought Wei Ying would doubt him. With each declaration, Wei Ying would smile a little bit brighter, his ‘Thank you’s would be a little bit lighter.
“I love you.” Lan Zhan said as Wei Ying confessed his fear of dogs, the slight tremble of his lips when he recalled his time in the streets. It was something Lan Zhan never knew, something so fundamental in Wei Ying’s character that Lan Zhan never learned. They were never close enough to. He was honored to be given the chance to know Wei Ying now.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying’s voice was hesitant, but he easily hid behind Lan Zhan at the next bark.
“I love you.” Lan Zhan murmured, slightly distressed, as he carried Wei Ying – who had taken in Jin Ling’s curse onto himself, hurt himself again for the sake of others – back towards the inn. No matter how the other sects always called him evil, Wei Ying always did what was best for others, even if the price was his own self. He did it so easily. How could the founder of the ‘dark path’ be the most righteous man?
“Thank you.” Wei Ying bashfully dipped his head, hiding his face against his shoulder, even as his arms tighten around his neck.
“Love Wei Ying.” Lan Zhan slurred, drunk, as Wei Ying dragged him towards the inn. “Sorry for breaking Wei Ying’s heart, love Wei Ying so much.” He was close to sobbing. Wei Ying, so close and yet so far away. Wei Ying, whose body and spirit were broken by the cultivation world, but whose heart was broken by Lan Zhan first.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying flushed, pushing Lan Zhan to the bed to sleep.
“I love you.” Lan Zhan spoke softly as Wei Ying watched the children ‘reenact’ the sunshot campaign, the way the child that played the Yilling Patriarch was bullied. The woes of the child echoed in his ears. “It’s all of you against one, how is that fair?” How, indeed.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying sounded hesitant, but lifted his head a little higher.
“I love you.” Lan Zhan whispered as they saw Song Lan off with Xian Xingchen’s sword, Wei Ying’s arm trembling with rage and sorrow for what befell the men he admired. Lan Zhan knew Song Lan’s pain. Had lived it for over a decade. He has a second chance now, he cannot squander it. Not like before. He learned the hard way that Next Time is never guaranteed.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying’s shoulders slumped, sending a sheepish smile over Lan Zhan’s way, the furrow in his brow easing.
“I love you.” Lan Zhan smiled as he took the rabbit lantern, the light making Wei Ying’s smile brighter. For a moment, Lan Zhan was able to dispel that haunted look in his eyes. For a moment, Wei Ying looked genuinely happy. It was heartbreaking to realize he hadn’t seen that smile in so long.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying was hopping on his feet, skipping around Lan Zhan, the smile on his face as radiant as it was back in the day in The Cloud Recesses.
“I love you.” Lan Zhan mouthed to Wei Ying before straightening to shut those disciples up, that dare speak against the Yilling Laozu. How dare they talk of a man they don’t know. Who saved their lives, even if they thought he was Young Master Mo. How dare they make the light in Wei Ying’s eyes fade with their careless words.
Wei Ying didn’t thank him, but let his arm go.
“I love you.” Lan Zhan whispered as he gave Wei Ying more food to distract him from the Sect politics, badmouthing him. Their opinion no longer mattered. Lan Zhan had seen how far their hypocrisy went, how deep their greed runs in their veins. It’s not about justice. It was never about justice. It was about their power and ego. Wei Ying doesn’t need to pay attention to such useless people.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying dipped his head, bashfully, before continuing to eat.
“I love you.” He whispered to the paperman before sending him off on his way. He hated that Wei Ying had to do this, that it was Wei Ying that would be at risk, but he would protect Wei Ying’s body. They must find the truth. They must.
Paperman Wei Ying mimed a little bow. He could almost hear a little ‘thank you’ in the air.
“I love you.” He nearly sobbed as Wei Ying was losing consciousness from the stab wound on his belly. Why was he not healing? Why was he so affected? Was his new body so weak? Has he not suffered enough? Did it even matter to Jin Ling that the only reason why that child was alive was because Wei Ying protected him?
“Thank…” Wei Ying couldn’t finish the thought, and fell unconscious.
“I love you.” Lan Zhan’s voice choked when Wei Ying woke up. He looked so much in pain, he looked to be struggling to even sit. How many more times must the world hurt him? How can he still smile at Lan Zhan?
“Thank you –” Wei Ying coughed, before Lan Zhan got him water.
“I love you.” He spoke solemnly as Wei Ying leaned against the doorway of the Jingshi, hoping his music can lift the cloud of melancholy over the man. The world has wronged him, Lan Zhan knew that now. He wished he could go back and hit his younger self. Wei Ying needed him, and he wasn’t there.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying lifted his drink in a toast, but his shoulders were relaxed and there was a smile on his face despite the wateriness of his eyes.
“I love you.” He murmured as Wei Ying played with the rabbits. He was just too cute, and he shone under the bright sun. Lan Zhan wanted the moment to last forever.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying laughed, cuddling the creature to his face.
“I love you.” He whispered to Wei Ying as they prepared to fight off the puppets, distract them from the other cultivators, when Wei Ying trusted his back to Lan Zhan, and him alone. Side by side, as they should have been, as they should always be.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying reached out to briefly squeeze his wrist, before bringing his flute to his lips.
“I love you.” He murmured as Wei Ying rested in his arms in the boat before heading back to Yunmeng, the image of him fainting still haunting his eyes. He used so much of himself to save the others, and they were ungrateful. It made Lan Zhan angry to the core.
Wei Ying did not respond, but his head rolled to Lan Zhan’s shoulder and it felt like a thanks.
“I love you.” He said as he knelt with Wei Ying in the shrine of his adopted Jiang family, if only to ease the tremble in Wei Ying’s arms. You are still loved. They are not here, but I am. I am here, and you are loved.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying’s voice was soft, a bit unsteady, but his trembling stopped.
“I love you.” He sobbed into Wei Ying’s hair as he listened to that awful, awful truth about Wei Ying’s golden core, as all of his rejections came back to haunt him in the light of Wei Ying’s sacrifice, at the light of all his suffering. All this time, he chalked it up to resentment. It was never resentment. It was trauma. It was the aftermath of torture. It was unimaginable pain and suffering. And Lan Zhan hated his younger self at that moment. He didn’t deserve Wei Ying’s love back then, not when he mistreated the other man so much.
Wei Ying was unconscious, warm and still in Lan Zhan’s arms, weak and probably in so much pain from all that he lost and endured after, every single form of heartbreak shattering him.
“I love you.” He whispered as he continued to pick lotus pod after lotus pod for Wei Ying, no longer caring about propriety if it will bring that smile back to his face. He deserves happiness. He deserves peace. He deserves justice. Wen Ning gave him an approving nod.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying smiled, giving Lan Zhan half of his peeled seeds.
“I love you.” He mouthed to Wei Ying as he sealed his own energy, anything to keep Wei Ying safe. He was never going to let Wei Ying out of his sight again, not in front of these men. He can find a way, but he will keep Wei Ying safe.
“Lan Zhan…” Wei Ying looked distressed, chord digging into the skin of his neck, eyes watery.
“I love you.” He whispered as Wei Ying once again showed how much better a man he was than anyone else, easily forgiving and apologizing to Jiang Cheng. Lan Zhan didn’t think Jiang Cheng deserved it. He doesn’t deserve it. But Wei Ying has always been kinder than most.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying whispered back, reaching for Lan Zhan’s wrist, but ended up squeezing his hand instead.
“I love you.” He mouthed to himself as he witnessed Wei Ying use the resentful energy everyone feared to save them all, putting the blade to rest, once again proving that, even shrouded in darkness, he was a better man than them. It was proof at that moment. Demonic cultivation never truly took his mind. Wei Ying was the Grandmaster, and he developed a new cultivation method that was shunned by small-minded people.
Wei Ying didn’t respond, concentrating as he was, but his shoulders relaxed when Lan Zhan said it, so at least he knows it was heard.
“I love you.” Lan Zhan mouthed to Wei Ying as A-Yuan hugged him and cried. Finally, father and son reunited.
“Thank you.” Wei Ying’s smile was radiant as he clutched the disciple, his son, in his arms.
Wei Ying was playing their song again. It always sounded so bright and cheerful when he played it, like the love song it was meant to be. Maybe because Wei Ying has always been full of love.
“Hey, Lan Zhan, you never told me what the name of this song was.” Wei Ying smiled, cheekily.
“Wangxian.” Lan Zhan replied, refusing to look at Wei Ying’s face.
There it was. Out in the open. The confirmation of how long Lan Zhan had been a fool. How stupid, still rejecting Wei Ying, doubting the man, when he himself had written a love song for them.
“Wangxian? Wangxian…Wang-Xian…” Wei Ying murmured, before chuckling. “I like it. It’s a good name.”
Was he not going to comment on it? Lan Zhan dared not say anything as they continued in silence.
“Lan Zhan…” Wei Ying poked him with his Chenqing. “Lan Zhan, look at me.”
Lan Zhan was helpless to disobey, looking over at Wei Ying. His expression was soft, nervous.
“Can I trust you?” Wei Ying asked.
Lan Zhan blinked. Did Wei Ying not trust him? Wei Ying has stated over and over he trusts Lan Zhan with his life –
“I would trust you with my life, you know this, but I cannot trust you with my heart.”
Lan Zhan swallowed.
“Yes. Wei Ying can trust me.”
Wei Ying pursed his lips.
“Say it, Lan Zhan.” Wei Ying’s eyes betrayed whatever bravado he was trying to convey, his vulnerability clear. “Say it again, please.”
“Wei Ying, say it. Please, say it.” Lan Zhan begged, back when Wei Ying was the one chasing him, back when Lan Zhan broke his heart at every turn. “One more time, please.”
Lan Zhan turned to Wei Ying, taking his slightly trembling hands into his own.
“I love you, Wei Ying.”
Wei Ying’s lip trembled, but his eyes were wide, surprised, with a light flush on his cheeks. It looked so much like…
“I think I love you.” Wei Ying looked surprised, his sword against Lan Zhan’s, stalemated on the roof.
“I –” Wei Ying swallowed. “I convinced myself that you would give up at some point. That all this would have been too much, and you would reject me again. I keep expecting you to abandon me again. I k-keep thinking that if I s-say it you’ll shut me up again.” Oh, Wei Ying, “I didn’t want to – I’m so scared, Lan Zhan. You have to understand, this is it for me, I can’t handle another heartbreak.”
“I know.” Lan Zhan traced Wei Ying’s knuckles in his own. “I will protect Wei Ying’s heart. If Wei Ying thinks I deserve the honor.”
“Aiyaaa, Lan Zhan, you’re too good.” Wei Ying shook his head, but he was smiling. He seemed to be in thought for a moment, before he took a deep breath.
“I…” His voice was shaking, still so scared, still so haunted. Lan Zhan couldn’t blame him. Unlike Lan Zhan, whose declarations of love have only been truly rejected thrice (the words ‘get lost’ never fail to make him cry, the ‘I wish I never loved you, Lan Wangji’ echoed through his worst nightmares, , ‘you’re too late’ haunted him for weeks) cannot even begin to fathom the fear Wei Ying must have. Lan Zhan didn’t push, didn’t hurry him.
“If Wei Ying cannot say it, it changes nothing.” Lan Zhan reassured, squeezing his hands.
But Wei Ying had always defied expectation. He took a steadying breath. “I love you, Lan Zhan.”
His hands were shaking so much that his body was trembling, eyes wide and so full of fear. A confession this pure shouldn’t be lined with such anxiety.
This time, Lan Zhan knew what to say. What he should have been saying all along. “I love you, too, Wei Ying.”
Wei Ying inhaled sharply, bursting into something that sounded in between a sob and laughter. Lan Zhan will have to apologize to Little Apple later as he couldn’t stop himself from scooping Wei Ying in his arms twirling the laughing man as a supernova of love seemed to burst from his chest. He was unprepared for the effect of those words, was unprepared for the utter want and joy that filled his heart.
“I love you, Lan Zhan.”
“I love you too, Wei Ying.”
“Lan Zhan! I love you!”
“Mn. Love you too, Wei Ying.”
When they kissed it was like the world tilted, and suddenly, everything was in its correct axis.
Little Apple looked very disappointed in them when they came out of the bushes.
“Aiyaa, so cruel Lan Zhan!” Wei Ying protested as he sat side-saddle on Little Apple, wincing from his bottom hurting. “Your Wei Ying’s body is still very fragile!”
“Mn. Apologies.” Lan Zhan sounded so smug even as he said it. He began leading Little Apple once more. “How must this one repent?”
Wei Ying hummed in thought, before grinning. “Ne, ne, Lan Zhan, don’t you think it’s unfair? I had to tell you I love you so much more before you said it back. Over and over for years!”
Lan Zhan looked over at Wei Ying, gauging the other man’s expression if he was genuinely upset or if this was a set up.
From the strained grin on the other man’s face, it was probably both.
“So I decree! Lan-er-gege’s punishment is that he has to declare his love for Wei Ying over and over! Lan-er-gege’s confessions are way behind, we’re uneven! Seven years, Lan Zhan. You have to catch up to seven years of confessions!”
Lan Zhan couldn’t help but smile softly at the slight hesitation in Wei Ying’s eyes.
“Can I trust you?”
“Such a large number, and you continue to say it as well now.” Lan Zhan mused, holding Wei Ying’s hand. “I will have to say it for our entire lives for us to become even.”
The hesitation in Wei Ying’s eyes faded. “Well, you better get started then.”
As if they’re keeping score.
“I love you.” Lan Zhan murmured, pressing his lips against Wei Ying’s knuckles. “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”