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"I just want to take this boy, all curls and big brown
eyes
Man I can't take the pain of wanting him, needing him.
I don't want to do this anymore."
The Twistinside- Everclear
Eiji was woken up by the sound of a terrified, bloodcurdling scream.
Sweat trickled down Ash's forehead as he lunged forward in the bed, the fabric of the bedsheets balled up tightly into his hands. His mind was fogged-His wild, pained eyes scanned the room frantically, making note of the man next to him. His mind screamed so loudly for him to find a way out of the room.
Okay, There's a door.
There are windows on either side of me.
Fuck, if I have to sleep with him to let me go i'll do it-
"Ash!" Just then, the sound of a familiar voice pulled the young boy out of his panic. The voice of his one and only comfort, the man he was hoping to see all this time.
Of all the vile things that were done to Ash, losing Eiji hurt most of all. The defilement, the humiliation, the dirty touches of those disgusting, pathetic excuses of men- those were things he had learned to cope with. The sympathy, or the lack thereof, given to him from those men meant nothing to him. He's heard it all; My wife isn't around as much, I just wanted to try this out, you're too gorgeous not to fuck.
The apologies from clients given to Ash used to give him hope. He would think they'd sympathize with him, maybe change their minds, maybe not be a pathetic piece of shit preying on a child. Ha, that'd be nice. Very quickly did he learn that those who apologized gave him the worst of it. Words of sorrow spoken with eyes rolled back so far you can see white are hard to be convincing.
Ash constantly self loathes. He hates who he is, what he's become, who he was forced to become. Although he fights for his freedom, he was convinced he wasn't someone who desired to be loved, to be treated as a human being. He didn't think there'd be anyone that would love him enough to want such things- He had given up long ago.
That was until he met the man with black locks of hair and a golden smile that melted his soul.
Having met Eiji nearly two years prior, Ash always dreamed of seeing the man again. To hear his sweet voice, to hear him tell Ash he was a good person who deserved everything the world had to offer him. Most importantly, Ash wanted to see the man who saved him from himself again. He longed for his comfort, for the reminder that there is someone out there who expects nothing physical from Ash. Someone who simply loves him- and not the fucked up child diddler love, and neither what Dino thinks is love. Someday in the future, Ash experiences the real, genuine love that Eiji has to give him.
And after having a snippet of what his life will be like in the future, Ash longs for it. The taste of freedom shown to him became his fighting strength, his very purpose of living. And oh does he want it so fucking much.
"It's you," is all Ash manages, his eyes wide in realization. A million things pop in his mind at that moment as his eyes locked onto Eiji's, but all he could say was... nothing. It's as if his voice was blocked. He felt a prickling sensation in his throat and, before long, tears streamed down the boy's face.
Seventeen year old Ash Lynx met his savior, but the mere thought of this older Eiji not being the one meant for him in his own world rendered him to tears.
"Ash, can I-"
"Please." Ash already knew what Eiji was going to ask, judging from how desperately Eiji seemed to have been wanting to comfort him. The fact that Eiji asked for his permission triggered more tearful streams as he sobbed, realizing how truly he's lucky to have found such an angel in his worthless life.
Eiji carefully pulled Ash into a hug, slow in his movements as if he was coaxing a wild animal.
The hug provided a comfort Ash never knew he needed. He felt so safe in his arms, something Ash never thought he'd be able to feel with someone. Almost immediately did Ash close his eyes, breathing in a deep breath as his crying began to slow. The bruises on the side of Ash's arms were so sore they hurt from the pressure of the embrace, but the blond paid no mind. He was only thankful it was so dark in the room they couldn't be seen. In a strange, fucked up way, he was glad Dino was selfish enough to spare Ash's face during their nightly sessions. Everything else was fair game- anything but the face of his prized possession. He didn't want Eiji to see him like that.
"Do you feel better now?" God, that sweet voice. He wished he could hear it all the time.
Ash nods. "Much," is all he mutters.
"Do you need anything?"
Ash shakes his head. "No."
"Do you want me to let you go-"
"No."
This time, Eiji is the one who nods. He's taken the pleasure of being able to comfort his husband- or, rather, the younger version of him, very seriously. Eiji realizes that the panic attack from earlier is what Ash suffered through very frequently in his youth. He doesn't suffer as much from it now, but this is the unresolved, trauma riddled Ash. This was before the therapy, before having met Eiji, before New York.
The fact that these attacks were something he went through by himself before having met Eiji, made the older man want to comfort him even more. To show him what someone who cares for him is really like.
Ash realizes this already. He sees how gentle he is, how his concern his genuine. Having never had such things before, Ash already knows this is the stability he wants in his life. He so desperately needs him.
"How do we meet?" He asks the same question from two years ago, secretly hoping for a different answer this time around.
Eiji sighs, but it's not out of irritation. It's more so a sigh from a place of sadness- He realizes he can't tell Ash, although he desperately wants to.
"I can't tell you that."
"When do we meet?" Ash rebuttals, his mood seemingly much better. Eiji simply shakes his head and laughs a bit in response.
"You're not funny, Ash."
Ash chuckles a bit, the two of them still embraced.
"You certainly think I am. Otherwise, you wouldn't have married me."
"I didn't marry you because you're funny, silly Ash. I married you because I love you."
Eiji's eyes widened as soon as those words left his mouth, letting go of Ash to provide him with some space.
Shit, I stepped a boundary, why did I say that? Did I make him uncomfortab-
"Eiji, I'm not uncomfortable," Ash said bluntly. "I'm not eggshells, so stop treading so lightly on me." Ash promptly crossed his arms as if to provide comfort to himself, now that Eiji's taken his warmth with him. "I understand that you... are trying to be gentle with me, but i'm not some damsel in distress, okay?"
Ash's front showed him to be relaxed, but he couldn't keep eye contact with Eiji. His words repeated in his mind like a broken record- A three lettered word sullied by slurred words and hot breathes, now being a reminder of the man who saved him and his care. But, something about it felt wrong. Itched him the wrong way.
Eiji nods his head in understanding, but there's something about the way Ash refuses to meet his gaze that speaks out to him. "Ash, could you please look at me?."
Ash knows that this man must know that he's putting on a front, a mask to hide how he truly feels. He's married to him, for christ's sake. One look at him and it's all over, but the attraction Ash feels for Eiji is as strong as a moth to a flame- so he obeys to his request.
"What's wrong?" that sweet voice asks, black eyes searching for answers behind Ash's green ones.
"I'm not your Ash."
"What? Of course you are!"
"Not like that. I'm seventeen and younger, your Ash is in his early thirties," Ash explains, his voice collect and calm. "When we go back to our own worlds, older Ash has you," Ash feels a sinking feeling in his stomach, suddenly very aware of his nerves. "I won't know when I get to see you again. You said we meet when I'm seventeen, but... you're not there."
Eiji drops his gaze, the floor interesting to look at all of a sudden. Ash takes this as confirmation that he won't get any answers, not that he was purposely looking for it. He was hopeful, yes, but as long as he gets to meet Eiji at some point, that's all that matters.
"I met you at the bar you usually hang out."
Ash's eyes widen, taken aback by the sudden response. His surprise is evident in his tone of voice- "You were in a gang?"
"No," Eiji replies, a bit flustered as he's unsure if he should even be saying all this. It's too late to back out anyways. "I... I went to New York to interview gang members. Your gang in specifically."
Ash is eerily quiet, and Eiji is suddenly very aware of the sounds of the outside world as neither of them shared a word. The words that were finally shared after a brief moment of silence brought Ash back to his senses, realization hitting him like a damn semi truck as he spoke.
"A photographer is supposed to meet me in a month. They didn't tell me where they're coming from," Ash's eyes become glossy from the tears forming in his eyes, his mouth agape in shock as he realizes where his 'guests' might've been coming from. "...Is that you?"
Eiji nods his head, offering a gentle smile as he takes Ash's hands into his own as he squeezes them gently. "Yes."
Ash could hear his heart thump in his ear. His heart fluttered nervously as he stared at Eiji's hand in his own, unable to find words to express his feelings at that very moment. All the blond could think of was one thing and he believed it summed up what he's been trying to express all this time.
"Thank you."