Chapter Text
It's so annoying.
So unbelievably annoying.
So soul-crushingly annoying.
Tolkien takes everything. First he took my girlfriend, then he took my best friend! He's so popular, he has great friends, he's smart, and he's funny, and he's nice to people, and he's kinda hot not gonna lie.
And he can have anything he wants, but he's taking what's mine.
But why? It seems like every time I have something, or someone that's MINE, I lose it to Tolkien. It's like he hates me! But if he hates me, why is he always so nice to me? I've never been anything but nice to him. I thought we made up after the whole "Jesse Jackson" thing when I understood that I don't understand. Did I actually not understand that I misunderstood him saying I don't understand? Wait, what? I don't understand. What am I thinking? Tolkien Black hates me. He showed Wendy that I'm a nobody, and he made Kyle forget that I exist. But whenever he sees me he always looks so happy... Does he get a kick out of tormenting me socially? Is he excited to ruin my highschool career? Is this what he wants? For me to be sad? UGH!!! I HATE HIM!!! I HATE TOLKIEN!!!! I HATE TOLKIEN SO MUCH!!! I HATE TOLKIEN AND HIS STUPID HAIR, AND HIS STUPID FACE, AND HIS STUPID FUCKING TURTLE NECK. I HOPE I NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!!
I walk behind him on this crusty road, staring into his skull. The bus broke down, so all the kids had to walk home. Tolkien tried to make conversation with me at first, but I told him I'm not really feeling very talkative. I tried to be passive aggressive, but I just sounded really, really tired.
I know that's not possible. I'm gonna walk into school tomorrow and he's gonna be standing by his locker with Clyde. Clyde will be rambling about a new girl, or something stupid he did, then Tolkien will turn around and open his locker. 4-23-15 (<- his locker combo), and he'll fumble on the 15, restart, and open his locker. He'll pull out his textbook for Geometry 2, give Clyde some piece of advice, close his locker, and turn around.
Then he'll see me. He'll see me and he'll give me the biggest shit-eating grin, like he knows how fucking awful he's making me feel. He knows and he likes it. He'll pick up his right hand and give me a curt little wave like an old queen in a limo. Which is kinda cute but whatever. He fucking sucks, God I hate him so much, that bastard.
Then he will go to Wendy, and give her a hug. But that's not fair. It should be ME who get's to hold a girl like her, not stupid Tolkien. Then after 5th period, he'll go and make his stupid ass tiktoks with Kyle, MY super best friend. MY sidekick. He was MINE. And he got taken from me. Then Tolkien will ask to borrow my charger with his hands clutching eachother behind his back, like a Who child from Whoville on Christmas morning. But Tolkien knows he's no Who child, he's the Grinch of my Christmas. I miss my girlfriend. I miss my best friend.
Kenny tells me I should talk to Tolkien, but he doesn't know anything. He only has two friends. One of them is a fat racist sociopath, and the other is Butters. So he clearly doesn't know what he's talking about.
I walk through my door, I yell to my mother.
"Mom, I'm back from school!"
I throw off my shoes as my mother screams back.
"You're late Stanley! What's going on, huh!?"
"The bus broke down and I had to walk!"
"Really!? They made you walk that far!?
My mom drops a cup in the kitchen, and comes into the living room where I stand.
"Come on Stanley, dinners almost ready. Your father is in the fields watering the... hemp, so if you need him just go outside. Ok?"
I turn my head to the side, seeing all the weed memorabilia on the walls. There's no point in censoring herself. Maybe it makes her feel like a better parent.
"Ok, sure mom."
"What's the matter, Stanley? You seem upset..."
Just stupid Tolkien and his stupid face.
"No mom, it's fine. I'm just tired from walking so far. I'm gonna change."
I start walking towards the stairs, and hear her yell back a final time.
"Oh, ok. If you say so. Dinner will probably be ready when you're done so just come down whenever."
"Ok, thank you..."
I walk up the stairs, and towards my room. I basically collapse onto the doorknob, and fling the door open, barely closing the door when I glide to my bed and trip over my feet, falling face first into the mattress. It feels fulfilling. Although, I do wish someone was here for me to collapse onto. A person to call my own. Someone where if I were to fall onto them they way I just did, they wouldn't mind. They would just put their arms around me and let me lay there with them. That's my person.
Man, I'm so fucking lonley and pathetic wtf. Do I have any idea how emo I sound when I think shit like this? UGH! Boooooo.
Maybe if I was actually a likeable person, I wouldn't have to feel like I wasn't. Because I'm not. I'm not smart, I'm not funny, I'm not attractive, I'm not cool, I'm nice SOMETIMES.. the list goes on. I'm a bad person, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to improve. This is probably why Wendy chose Tolkien. She doesn't want to be seen with an idiot like me. And Kyle doesn't want to hang around someone who's so sad all the time. He said so back in the 4th grade. Let's just face it, unless I get better than Tolkien, I'll never be good enough for anybody.
I'll never be good enough for Tolkien Black.
What? For Tolkien? No. This isn't about what he thinks about me. What he thinks doesn't matter. I don't care what Tolkien thinks. I care what everyone else thinks in COMPARISON to Tolkien. Yeah, that's it. I want to be better than him so that everyone will like me.
Maybe even Tolkien.
Ew wait no!! God this is so gay...
"Stanley!! Come Down for dinner!!"
My father shouts from downstairs. I realize I never changed, I didn't even take my backpack off.
"Stanley I'm not gonna keep shouting like this! Get your butt down here man!!"
"Ok I'm coming! Give me a sec! God damn..."
The last part was a whisper, no way I'd talk back to my parents in front of my mom. I quickly spring up and drop my bag, throwing off my school clothes and then putting on whatever was closest. I did a light sprint down the stairs, only to see my dad at the bottom. He's sweaty, his shirt is damp, and his eyes are so red they could be confused for raspberries by a person not wearing their prescription glasses. He has a joint in his mouth, but he passes it to Towelie. That weird ass talking towel thing that lives in our house. Towelie snatches the joint and scurries away, he was probably getting sober. I look up at my dad and he's right in my face.
"Heyyy Stanley."
"Uh.. hey dad."
I awkwardly say, trying to push past and get to the kitchen, where my mom sits at the table. But he grabs my shoulder and holds me under his arm.
"Y'know Stanley, this weekend is my big autumn sale for my brand new line of Tegridy! It's called the "Red Reefer Special". Y'know, like red racer? I'm trying to appeal to the younger generation."
I felt my last meal crawl up my throat, but slide back down with a swallow. He's so cringe omfg.
"Why are you trying to make drugs appeal to minors?"
I say, with a flat tone of voice, but making sure I'm just loud enough for my mom to hear.
"Excuse me!? What did you say Stanley!?"
We both heard my mother stand up from her chair.
"A, mother fucker, Stanley! I thought you were cool!"
"Boohoo."
I state, as my mother is chewing out my dad, I slip past them both and make it into the kitchen. There's Tortellini and Corn on the table, next to a bowl of blue berries. I make my plate and sit at the table.
Does the food you eat determine how attractive you are?
Woah, that was a weird ass thought to have. Where did that come from? lmao. I mean, I know that if you eat too much you'll be a fatass like cartman, and if you eat poison you die. But do certain foods make you more attractive? Like the ugly kids all usually have sandwiches and pickles at lunch. Tolkien always has something different in his lunch. I've never seen him eat the same thing twice. From Chinese food, to Indian food, to African food, to Hispanic food, to fast food, the list goes on. Do you get hot if you switch what you eat every day? I mean, he's gonna run out of things to try eventually, right? What's he gonna do then? Wait, hold up. Let me stop right here. I feel like I've exposed myself to myself. Tolkien isn't hot. I mean, he is. But not to me. I need to shut up now. I'm not even talking though??? GAHHH. Sometimes I hate internal monolog. But the people who don't have it are really weird, like, what do you mean you don't think thoughts with words? You mean you can't hear yourself in your head?? It's just quiet?? What???
Anyways..
Before I even realized it, my plate is empty and my parents are arguing. Whatever. I put my plate in the sink and sneak upstairs. Do I have homework? Uhhhh uhmm wait? No. No I don't. I walk into my room and pull out some clothes. I'm going to shower. Cool people don't stink of sweat, cheese, and weed. I walk into the bathroom and lock the door. I set my clothes on the toilet lid and begin to undress. I catch a glance at myself in the mirror. What is it about me that makes me unattractive? I mean, I can pinpoint a few things. Like, I have kinda bad acne, and my eyes are really big, and my mouth is too small, and my hair is thin, and I'm short, and my jawline is really soft, and my teeth look kinda fucked, and... I should stop before I make myself cry. Tolkien has clear skin, and normal eyes, and a nice mouth- OK. I'M STOPPING NOW. NO MORE OF WHATEVER THOSE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE. I DON'T REALLY LIKE THEM.
I turn on the water and it's freezing.
"OH FUck!!"
I hope my mother didn't hear that. Once the water is warm, I step into the shower and I feel peaceful. It's so warm. It feels like the water is hugging me. Like a person would. I can feel the salt stinging at my eyes. Not now. I feel my legs becoming weak. I'm so lonely. My dad's a pothead, my mom is... alot, my girlfriend and my sbf were stolen away from me, my friends drifted away from me, and I'm losing everything and everyone and I don't wanna be alone anymore, I just wanna be enough to be loved. I want to be loved. I feel a tightness in my throat as I choke out a sob. I clutch my shoulders, covering my chest, trying to give myself the closest thing I can to a hug. I wish I could at least feel less alone. I could feel myself slowly slide to the floor, as I cried, and cried, and cried.
I'm never going to be good enough. And I'm never going to be loved. I'm unlovable and unchangeable. Tolkien Black is always going to be better than me. Always, always, always, always.
I could feel it. There was that familiar feeling again. That funny, funny feeling. The feeling that meant I needed my one "true friend". My tiny, shiny friend that sat in the drawer under the sink.
I think you know what I mean.
----------------------------------------------------------------------‐-------------------------------
Time Skip
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My shower was over. I had taken care of my feelings, in an admittably less than healthy way. But there was a problem. When I looked around the bathroom, I had no towel. Shit. I can't go and get one because one, I'm naked, two, I have cuts, three, I don't know whether or not they're in the wash or the closet. I decide on just yelling and hoping someone hears.
"HEY MOM, DAD, I FORGOT A TOWEL, CAN ONE OF YOU GET ME ONE!?"
"What Stanley!?"
My mom called back.
"I SAID I NEED A TOWEL. I FORGOT A TOWEL."
"DON'T FORGET TO BRING A TOWEL!!!"
"SHUT UP TOWELIE!!"
I shout back at him.
"WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE STAN, I'LL SEND UP A TOWEL."
"THANK YOU!!"
I sit in the bathroom for about a minute, when I hear a knock on the door. I cover my body with the door, and open it.
"Thanks mom."
I say with a sigh. I'm calm until I see the hand that's reaching into my bathroom, holding a light pink towel. The hand has dark skin, and light palms. I let out a surprised yelp and the sight of the hand. I snatched the towel and put it on, then leaped to the door to look at the owner of the hand..
And lo and behold, outside of my bathroom stands Tolkien Black. The man that's so perfect that he stole everything, and ruined my life, is now staring at my half naked body in a fluffy pink towel.
What the actual fuck dude.