Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

10 - Not even at all

When James wakes up in the middle of the night he is disoriented and confused and needs far too long to register the knocking on his door. “Huh?” he asks, that being all the words he manages to get out, but it seems to be enough as the door opens and someone enters his room.

James reaches for his nightstand, turning on a lamp and fumbling for his glasses. Blinking into the light he squints towards the door to find Sirius tentatively coming over to his bed. James’ confusions only grows and he is starting to doubt that he is actually awake. “You real?” he asks, his voice still heavy with sleep.

Sirius smiles at him. “I’m real,” he confirms.

“D’you break in in the middle of the night?”

“It can hardly be called breaking in,” he says, holding up something silver and shiny. “You did give me a key.”

“Hm... I did...” James yawns, then scoots over on his bed and pats the mattress next to himself. An invite that Sirius instantly takes, sitting down, his legs crossed and his hands folded in his lap.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you,” Sirius says. “Or, well, I did, but I do feel a bit bad about it.”

James shrugs and yawns again, still very much in the process of waking up and trying to figure out what’s going on.

“I had a really long conversation with Reggie right after you left,” Sirius starts his explanation. “It took me far too long but I realised I also had a lot to apologise to him for. It was my idea, after all... And I failed to read so many signs in the process and got him in trouble with mother which he didn’t sign up for, I just never expected it to be about something he cares about... And the longer we talked the more I felt the need to also talk to you as soon as possible so I came here right afterwards.”

“Okay,” James says. He could say that’s fine or I’m glad but he isn’t yet entirely sure if either of those is the case. He loves Sirius and is glad more than anything that he’s once again in his bed for nightly conversations, but James is also still a little angry with him. Underneath all those layers of love and adoration and absolute trust and forgiveness he has for Sirius, there is still that spark of anger and the feeling that he got treated a little unfairly in how this entire plan of theirs – of Sirius’ – went down.

“I also need to apologise to you,” Sirius says. “Our communication was shit, and that’s on both of us, but it was my plan and I expected too much of you. I expected you to understand it all and I expected you to carry out most of it on your own. Well, with Reggie, but that obviously failed... I think I had too much faith in our blind understanding of each other. Usually I can read your mind better than my own and that’s cool and all, but I guess I shouldn’t put my whole trust in it always working, especially not when that can lead to things going as badly as this did.”

James mulls this over for a second. Then he nods. “Same for me, really. I thought you talked to Reg about it because it just made sense to me that you would, and what makes sense to me makes sense to you so obviously you must have. T’was a mistake and I’m really sorry.”

“I know. Me too,” Sirius says and shuffles closer to James. He unfolds his hands and reaches out towards James, hesitates, then drops them on the bed between them. He looks unsure of himself, unsure if he’s allowed to touch James, which breaks James’ heart a little, so he closes the distance between them himself. Scoots closer, leans against Sirius’ side and takes his hand in his.

“I’m also really sorry for putting all the blame on you,” Sirius continues with a gentle squeeze of James’ hand. “It was a very in-the-moment reaction because Reggie’s my brother, and I have to protect him and he was hurt over you. But I mean, you were also hurt. And I don’t think I really helped with that...”

James huffs out a small laugh. “Not quite. I felt rather miserable without you. Especially because you shouted at me right before leaving,” he admits.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius says. “I really am. I was terrible to you. I was so focussed on fixing my own problems, of getting to see Moony, that I didn’t pay enough attention to you or Regulus in the process to make sure my meddling in your life didn’t meddle it up too much. I messed up on that part and I really am so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” James replies, and this time he knows he means it.

When he falls asleep again a while later, it’s with his arms suffocatingly wrapped around Sirius’ torso and Sirius’ elbow in his peacefully smiling face.

Everything in James wants to go back to Grimmauld Place and try to talk to Regulus again, but he knows he can’t do that. The last time he went there he gave Regulus an apology and a reason to come and look for James again himself once he’s ready. All James can do now is wait and see if that moment ever comes. James played his parts, gave all of himself to Regulus, and now it is Regulus’ choice to either accept it or move on completely.

Sirius can’t stay with him forever and ever, to his dismay. Eventually he has to go back to his own life, the part that doesn’t have all that much to do with James, which unfortunately leaves James with too much alone time to pine after Regulus. It gets so bad that eventually he has to either physically restrict himself, or physically busy himself enough that he doesn’t get the chance to decide taking a trip down to London might not hurt after all. And since he’s not good with physical restriction the choice is rather easy to make and James, as on so many days during the summer, grabs his broom and makes his way to the forest behind his hometown to practice some flying drills.

He somewhat neglected his workout sessions over the last couple days, too busy wallowing in his own misery to do as fun things as getting on his broom or going for a run. The moment he takes off he can feel it, too, his abs complaining a bit more than they should for the easy exercises he usually starts with. And still, it feels as natural as breathing to him, and when he leaves the ground behind to fly a couple speed rounds along the tree line he can practically feel his worries one by one falling off him, getting tangled in the wind and swept away.

When he lands again several hours later he is sore and sweaty but so much happier than he had been before he got on his broom that morning.

“You got faster.”

James whips around at the sound of the voice coming from behind him, fast enough to make his neck crack painfully.

Regulus is standing right at the edge of the forest, his arms protectively crossed in front of his chest. His hair is falling down in slightly less orderly curls than usual and he’s wearing an oversized hoodie, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He looks both incredibly cosy and incredibly uncomfortable.

“Regulus,” James breathes out, rubbing his neck. If anyone asked it’s purely to rub away the pain, and not because the idea of Regulus having watched him flying makes him very flustered. “What are you– Why...”

“I looked at your present,” Regulus says. He uncrosses his arms and from the pocket of his hoodie pulls out the book which, a couple days ago, James had wrapped in snowflakes and stars. It’s a small, dark green book, the very same book that Regulus had scoffed at all those weeks ago, his favourite poems terribly translated.

“Oh,” James says. He hadn’t expected Regulus to look at it so soon. Even less to come looking for James so soon after. The situation overwhelms him now, him in his sweaty sports clothes, Regulus still several feet away. Talking over the distance feels odd, unfamiliar, but James isn’t sure if he’s allowed to come closer. It’s still Regulus’ turn to make his move so James stays put and waits.

Regulus flips the book over and over in his hand, looking at it conflicted. Finally he says, “Can we talk?”

James, of course, nods eagerly. “I– Do you– I think I should probably take a shower first, do you want to come to my room and wait there or...?”

Regulus shakes his head. “I’d rather talk here,” he says. “Go shower, I’ll wait.”

James takes a shaky breath and on his exhale says, “Okay. Thank you. I’ll hurry.”

Regulus pushes the book back into his hoodie pocket and pulls down his sleeves over his hands, fiddling with the hems. “Take your time, I’ll be here,” he promises.

Despite Regulus’ words James rushes back to his house, showers in record time and picks up the first clothes that he finds strewn across his floor which end up being just a different workout outfit consisting of soft, grey shorts and a crop top Peter got him as a joke two years ago for his birthday that James unironically loves in secret. He doesn’t even bother putting on shoes again before he runs back to his flying spot, his picnic blanket in hand trailing behind him like a cape. Regulus may have promised to wait, but still James is terrified that he’ll get there only to find that Regulus left again after all.

He hadn’t have worried. Regulus is still there. He’s still standing in the same spot, his arms once again crossed but his hands now tucked inside his rolled down sleeves. He looks on edge, posture proper and upright and full of tension.

“Hi,” James says out of breath when he skids to a halt in front of Regulus. “Uhm. Blanket?” he asks, little eloquently, and holds up said blanket to underline his question.

Regulus nods to James’ relief – it would have been rather awkward having to hold onto the picnic blanket for the remainder of their conversation had he denied him – and James spreads it out a couple feet away on a more even spot on the ground. He gives Regulus one more quizzical look, waiting for him to argue, but when he doesn’t James sits down on one side of the blanket, as far to the edge as he can to give Regulus the option to leave enough space between them.

Regulus mirrors him when he sits down a second later. The space between them feels unnatural and loaded and James would love nothing more than to cross it and touch Regulus. Hold his hand. Card his fingers through his hair. Kiss him. He does none of that, of course, only waits for Regulus to start the conversation, to say what he came here for.

Eventually, Regulus gingerly puts the book on the blanket between them. His eyes are still trained on it when he says, “You read all of it.”

“I did.”

“Why?”

“I couldn’t read the original poems so I had to do with these.”

“But why?”

It takes a while before James can find an answer. It makes complete sense to him, why he would read them, would take the time to familiarise himself with this poetry book. But putting it into words makes it sound a bit pathetic. “You said they’re your favourite poems,” he settles on finally, “so they’re important.”

There’s a small frown appearing on Regulus’ forehead as he opens the book and starts flipping through the pages. Each one is filled with ink, underlined verses, words scribbled on the side, or little drawings here and there. He stops at a page nearly all the way at the back. James knows which one it is without having to look. He looks anyway, because looking at his own writing, the ten lines of messy handwriting underneath the printed poem on the top of the page, is a lot less terrifying than finding out how Regulus is reacting to it.

“You wrote a poem about me,” Regulus says.

“I know it’s not very good,” James mumbles. “I just–”

“Shut up,” Regulus interrupts him.

James shuts up.

“You wrote a poem about me,” Regulus says again.

This time James stays silent.

“Do you actually hate all of this?” he gestures to the page.

“I don’t,” James shakes his head. “I thought that was obvious...”

Regulus is still looking at the page, scanning the lines again, silently mouthing the words.

“Regulus,” James says softly. “I know I messed up a lot. I am so incredibly sorry for what I did. I wish I had known you liked me before I asked you out and failed to make it obvious it’s for Sirius’ sake. I also wish you would have told me you don’t despise me at some point afterwards, because for the longest time I was convinced you hated me and only spent time with me to do this favour for Sirius. I really didn’t know. I’m really sorry I hurt you through all of this... Parts of me kind of wants to get a Time-Turner and stop myself from agreeing to this stupid plan in the first place–”

“That’s not how Time-Turners work,” Regulus mumbles, instinctively correcting James. It makes him huff out a surprised laugh. He missed Regulus arguing with him.

“Yeah, I guess not...” James concedes. “But that’s not the point. The point is that I wish I could undo all of the crap I did and get a do over in which I don’t inevitably hurt you. But at the same time, had I known you fancied me, I wouldn’t have ever asked you to fake date me. And if I hadn’t asked you out I never would have realised how incredibly wonderful you are and would not have fallen for you. And I like being in love with you. I wouldn’t want to change that. I just don’t like being miserably in love with you.”

“What would you like?” Regulus asks quietly. He’s picking on the hem of his hoodie again. James thinks if he continues like that he will eventually pull the threads loose.

“I would like to be happily in love with you. I’d like to talk to you about Quidditch and poetry and my very messy room again. I’d like to go on dates with you. Just... you know, actual, mutually agreed upon real ones...”

“Then maybe you should ask me again.”

“What?” James asks taken aback.

Regulus finally looks up from the book. Looks at James, properly looks at him, without hiding behind a blank mask. Looks at him like he hasn’t since Barty’s birthday. “Maybe you should ask me out again,” he repeats.

James’ mouth forms a silent oh as he gazes at Regulus, completely captivated. It takes him several seconds to react, to swallow and collect his thoughts again. Finally, he clears his throat and says, his voice somehow still raspy, “Regulus, would you like to go on a date with me?”

There’s a smile forming in the corners of Regulus’ lips and James doesn’t think he’s ever seen anything more beautiful. “Do you promise it would be a real one?”

“I promise it would be a real date.”

“Then yes,” Regulus says softly. “I’d like to go on a date with you.”

The smile that breaks out on James’ face is wide enough to hurt the muscles in his cheeks but when Regulus smiles back at him, a faint blush appearing on his cheeks, James could not care less.

“I do like you, by the way,” Regulus says an hour later. They’re still on the picnic blanket, James has opted for lying down to look at the passing clouds overhead, Regulus is again looking through the poetry book. They barely talked after James asked him out, and they haven’t yet closed the distance between each other any more. But the silence between them is slowly growing more and more comfortable. Warm and familiar, the way it used to be all those times in James’ bedroom.

James turns his head to look at Regulus. “Hm?”

“I like you. Fancy you. Have, you know... uhm, romantic feelings for you,” he blushes at that, not quite managing to meet James’ eyes. “Because you said you thought I hated you last time. I wanted to clarify that I don’t... It’s more the opposite, really. I just wanted to make sure there are not any more misunderstandings...”

James grins. “I figured as much. I do appreciate you telling me a lot, though. I also have... romantic feelings for you,” he adds with a teasing glint in his eyes.

Regulus snaps the book shut and swats with it at James. “You’re awful.”

“But you love me,” James laughs, trying to dodge the book.

The blush on Regulus’ cheeks only deepens. “Sod off,” he mumbles.

“Sorry, can’t, you already said you’d go out with me, you’re very much stuck with me now.”

“I take it back,” Regulus mutters darkly.

James’ smile falters a little. “Do you actually?” he asks carefully, trying to hide his uncertainty.

Regulus looks at him, his expression softening. “No, James, I don’t,” he promises. “I do very much want to go on a date with you.”

James lets out a relieved breath. “Oh. Okay. Good. I’m glad.”

“You’re an idiot,” Regulus says, but the fondness is clearly audible in his voice.

“An idiot you want to go out with,” James corrects.

Regulus nods. “It very much makes me question my own sanity, though.”

James is a lot more nervous about this date than all the other ones he has gone on so far. Objectively it doesn’t make much sense. He’s needed Regulus to like every single date so far, this isn’t any different. The stakes haven’t even really gone up either, just shifted slightly, because Sirius’ happiness depended on all the previous dates and Regulus’ willingness to continue them. He could have fucked up before (in different ways than he ended up doing), more so than he can now. And yet it doesn’t stop him from losing his bloody mind an hour before he is supposed to pick up Regulus. For a date. For a real, actual date with Regulus.

“Sirius, Sirius please, help me,” he groans into the two-way-mirror.

Sirius has the audacity to laugh at him.

“This isn’t funny! I can’t mess this up, I need this to be perfect!”

“Prongs, my love, you’ve gone on several dates with my brother before and he has never once complained about your choice of clothing, I don’t think he’s going to start now.”

“But what if this shirt is somehow inappropriate?”

Sirius gives him an unimpressed look. “It’s literally a white tee, mate. The only situation this could be inappropriate for was if you were taking him to a funeral.”

James looks up panicked. “So you’re saying it’s too boring? I can’t be boring on my first proper date with Regulus!”

Sirius groans and hides his face in his hands. “I’m going to hang up on you,” he threatens.

“No!” James yelps, “Please, Padfoot, I need you here!”

There’s a silent beat then Sirius sighs. “Give me three minutes, I’m coming over.”

In the end Sirius barely takes two before barging into James’ room. A good thing, too, because James is about to tear out his hair from anxiety and lack of Sirius-support. And Regulus said he likes his hair, so he cannot lose it.

“Alright, before we pick something out come here and give me a hug, you look like you need one,” Sirius says.

James doesn’t have to be told twice, wrapping Sirius in his arms and squeezing tight enough to make Sirius let out an umpf sound. It does make him feel better instantly. Sirius’ hugs have never failed him so far.

“I love you,” James mumbles into Sirius’ shoulder. He waits for the affirmative I love you too before he pulls back and waves at the mess behind himself in distress.

“Tell me what to do, Padfoot, please, I’m so lost.”

“You’re being way too dramatic with this,” Sirius says decisively, which is vaguely worrying considering it’s coming from Sirius of all people. “If it wasn’t my brother you’re taking out I’d say put on that white button up, you know, the silky one we got in Bath with Marls. But since you are taking out my brother and that top, objectively speaking, makes you look a bit too hot and practically begs to be taken off of you, I am absolutely not suggesting it.”

“I love you,” James groans relieved. “Thank you.”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “My brother-safe suggestion is you wear that green shirt, the one with the fish, because it makes you look the normal amount of hot and I’d like to pretend all the two of you want to do is send each other disgustingly sweet heart eyes and nothing more than that.”

James snorts. “I’ll pretend I’ll go with that suggestion then so you can keep your innocent thoughts about us.” In truth James isn’t sure if he’d even get disgustingly sweet heart eyes from Regulus. The entire date feels like a very delicate thing still and all James can do for now is hope it will go well.

“Thanks, Prongs, much appreciated.”

“But you can rest assured, I’m not going to be anything but a perfect gentleman on a first date anyway.”

Sirius nods satisfied. “I’m glad to hear, I need you to treat my brother well.”

James is going to treat Regulus so well. But, well, James adds in his thoughts, should Regulus end up wanting him to not be a perfect gentleman then James can surely argue that this isn’t their first date at all.

“So...” James draws out the word, “are you going to go out with Remus?”

Sirius shakes his head. “No, not this time. While I’d love to see Remus again, this is your date. I don’t want any weird implications to arise by using it for my own gain.”

James tries to not let the relief show too much on his face, but he must fail, as Sirius lets out a chuckle and softly punches James’ arm.

It’s not that James would begrudge Sirius for going on another date. He didn’t get to properly see Remus for as long as James didn’t get to see Regulus after all, but he wants to do this properly. He doesn’t want Regulus to second guess his intentions if he finds out that Sirius is once again going on a date because Regulus did. He just wants to go out with Regulus and get to enjoy the time without worrying. At least without worrying about this specific thing, James is sure he will worry about a great deal of other things while being out, like if his hands get sweaty should Regulus hold them, or if Regulus even wants to hold his hand, or if Regulus still has his reservations about going on a date with James.

“Stop worrying, James,” Sirius says, instantly recognising his thoughts. Yes they agreed they should rely less on their best friend mind reading powers, but that doesn’t mean they’re just going to stop completely. Sirius still knows James better than anyone else and James is thankful for it.

“It’s difficult,” James complains. “It’s Regulus. I already messed this up once, I really don’t want to mess it up again.”

“I mean, statistically speaking the chances of you messing things up with the same person twice in a row are pretty slim.”

“I’m preeeetty sure that’s not how statistics work?” James says. He doesn’t know shit about statistics, but this sounds wrong.

“No, I’m certain,” Sirius insists.

“I’m going to ask Peter about this the next time I see him.”

“Hmm, yes, you can do that,” Sirius hums, “Or you could just believe me, go on your date with Reggie, see that everything ends up being wonderful and then tell me that I was right.”

They agreed that it would be better for James to not pick up Regulus from home. They’ve had enough drama as is, there is no reason to chance any more of that by flaunting their new dating attempt right in front of Walburga Black’s nose. Instead Regulus is supposed to come to the Leaky Cauldron and meet with James there.

Sirius stays with James until he has to leave. Or rather, until James decides it is time to leave, Sirius laughing at him endlessly, because James gets in the fireplace a full twenty-three minutes before he has to.

“You’re pathetic Prongs,” Sirius decides.

“Fuck you too,” James replies but he is too nervous and fidgety to have any capacity left to actually be bothered by Sirius’ teasing.

“Try to calm down a little or you’re going to fall out of the wrong fireplace.”

James takes a deep breath. “Trying my best,” he says. “I’ll talk to you tonight?”

“Sure thing. Now get the fuck out of here and have fun on your date.”

James give Sirius’ the middle finger along with a wide, if anxious grin, throws a handful of floo powder in the fireplace and disappears with a clear “The Leaky Cauldron” in green flames.

His fidgeting can’t have been too bad, because when James stumbles out of the next fireplace he is welcomed by lively chatter and a smoke-filled room.

James fully expected to have to wait around for Regulus to come. He did get here far too early, after all. But when he looks around for a place to sit down and wait, grey eyes meet his and James freezes.

“You’re here early,” Regulus says.

“Regulus!” James beams, the mere image of him standing in the corner a couple feet away from the fireplace evoking a wide grin on his face. “You’re here earlier. Couldn’t wait to see me, huh? I get it, I’m just that irresistible.”

Regulus gives him an unimpressed look, which makes James laugh nervously. Maybe he’s being too forward with it all already. But Merlin, he’s bloody nervous and overconfidence is his usual way to deal with things.

“I didn’t want to wait all alone at home,” Regulus admits. “I don’t particularly like waiting here either, it’s too loud and too many people, but somehow still the more welcome alternative...”

“Ah, sorry for stealing Sirius away from you,” James hums. “I didn’t consider you might also want some moral support... Do you wanna go?” He gestures towards the door.

Regulus nods gratefully and makes his way towards the exit, carefully pushing past the people filling the pub. Coming here in the evening hours was really not the best idea James decides, barely swerving out of the way of a witch carrying six pints of butterbeer.

“You needed moral support?” Regulus asks once they’re both standing outside.

“Oh, Merlin, absolutely. I was really very nervous about this.” A pause, then James adds truthfully, “Still am very nervous by the way.”

Regulus looks at him inquiringly. James doesn’t miss the way his eyes drag across the neckline of the shirt and James is very thankful for Sirius’ fashion advice. “You don’t look very nervous...”

James grins. “Doing my best to look a lot cooler than I am right now, I gotta woo you off your feet after all.”

Regulus rolls his eyes, but he’s also smiling slightly and James thinks he could die happy if things continue like this.

“You’re not nervous about this date then?” James asks curiously.

“I’ve been on several dates with you, James,” Regulus says. “I’m past being nervous about that. It’s not really the date I have to be nervous about now.”

“Ah, yeah,” James says awkwardly. “That makes sense. Sorry...”

“It’s fine,” Regulus sighs. “If you make this a good date I will consider moving past the fact you didn’t actually go out with me for the past two months.”

“So no pressure at all...”

“No pressure at all,” Regulus agrees. “So what are we doing today?”

“Looking at the stars,” James says and looks over at Regulus with a smile.

“You’re being ridiculous.”

James laughs when he sees Regulus’ cheeks darkening slightly. “I’m being fully ser– I’m not joking,” James catches himself automatically.

“It’s not going to be dark for another couple hours. And we are in the middle of London. Are you planning on taking me somewhere else?”

“I mean, yes,” James says, “But only about half an hour away from here by foot. If you’re up for walking.”

There’s an adorable crease of confusion forming on Regulus’ face that James wants to smooth out with a kiss. He doesn’t, in the end, bites his lip to stop the impulse.

“We can also take the bus if you prefer? We’re going to be early either way, since I didn’t expect us to leave for another twenty minutes...”

“I am so confused,” Regulus says. “What stars are we going to look at?” A shadow of realisation passes on Regulus’ face and his expressions darkens ever so slightly. “James, are you going to take me to some rock concert or something?”

James can’t help himself, he actually laughs at Regulus’ obvious distress that this might be what James came up with for a date. “I’m not, I did actually remember which Black brother I’m taking out, don’t worry. Although, if you fancy, there is a laser show in a couple hours where they play some rock songs as well?”

“I think I’ll pass, thank you,” Regulus says decisively.

“Kind of expected as much. I might take Sirius there some time though...”

“I can’t believe I’m going out with someone who’s talking about taking my brother out while on our date,” Regulus mutters.

“I’d love to say I’ll make Sirius’ date less romantic than yours, but it is Sirius we’re talking about here...” James teases. It’s only half a lie. Him and Sirius are known for going a bit overboard with their affection sometimes. Obviously it would never be honestly romantic, but they do like very dramatically staging proposals and breakups and confusing every stranger within a mile radius. It’s fun, but it’s nothing more, and he knows Regulus is aware of it as well.

“Your relationship with Sirius is so weird,” he says anyway. “How has Remus managed to deal with this for so long?”

“He didn’t really get a choice to be honest. Sirius was my best friend before he was Moony’s boyfriend.” He shrugs. “I mean it works, we’re all happy with the way it is.” He hesitates, sending Regulus an inquisitional look. “It doesn’t bother you, does it?”

Regulus thinks about it for a while. “As long as your weird co-dependency doesn’t lead to me getting hurt again, I don’t think I mind. I doubt it would matter much if I did anyway.”

“Well, I mean, you are allowed to set boundaries and stuff,” James says a little clumsily. “But yeah like, no matter how much I like you I couldn’t end my friendship with Sirius...”

“And I wouldn’t want you to,” Regulus assures him. “Despite it all I am glad you’re his best friend.”

It probably shouldn’t make James as happy as it does, but he still can’t keep the dopey grin off his face.

“I’m never going to say anything of the likes ever again though. And if you ever mention it I will swear deniability.”

“Noted,” James says. “I’ll tug it away safely into my memory and keep this information for the rest of my life though, I hope you know that.”

“Of course you are,” Regulus sighs. “So, what’s the plan exactly? I am fine with walking, I would just quite like to know where we are going.”

“To look at stars,” James repeats. “The hot, fiery type. Not the hot human type.”

Regulus, apparently accepting that he won’t get much more information than that for now, sighs and nods. “Lead the way then...”

They’re not holding hands. James is tempted to reach out a couple times, but he can’t quite get himself to cross the last couple inches. It still feels like a boundary he is not yet allowed to cross. Physical affection that Regulus should initiate should he decide the date is going well. And so James surrenders to his fate and just walks next to Regulus, every now and then brushing the backs of their hands together.

They’re talking about this and that, the displayed items behind the shop windows they come by, the dogs that walk past them and the fact that Regulus prefers cats and James can’t properly decide (if it wasn’t for his best friend quite literally being a dog a couple times a month making a decision would probably be a lot easier, but James would never admit as much.) They’re in no rush to get to their destination, and so they take their time and the half an hour walk turns into a leisurely forty-five-minute stroll.

“You know, I thought about getting you flowers,” James admits when they walk past a flower shop, “But considering last time I bought you some immediately afterwards things... uh... happened, I wasn’t so sure it’d be a good idea...”

Regulus looks over at him. “I was really mad at you for getting me the flowers. Absolutely furious when I spotted them in my room.”

James scrunches up his face. “Yeah... Sorry about that...”

“Hadn’t I just found out I never actually did have a boyfriend I would have loved them so incredibly much, which made it all the worse. Because I still liked them and you were being sweet but I needed to hate you. And on top of that they were fucking Gryffindor colours,” Regulus mutters. “Just to add salt to the wound or something.”

“To be fair, I didn’t realise they were Gryffindor colours until Sirius pointed it out to me. I bought them because they had pretty green leaves and I thought you’d like the colour.”

Regulus abruptly stops in the middle of the footpath. James takes two more steps before his mind catches up with his feet and he halts as well, looking at Regulus concerned.

Regulus just stares at him with wide eyes. “Who the fuck buys flowers for their leaves?”

“Uh,” James stutters. “There weren’t any dark green flowers. I realise now I don’t even know if that’s actually your favourite colour, I just assumed and wanted to get you flowers that match your favourite colour... So I looked for leaves...”

“You’re so stupid,” Regulus says, frustration bleeding through his voice. “I want to kiss you so badly.”

James’ mind goes blank. He’s sure he’s trying to make some kind of noise but nothing happens except for an odd gurgling in his throat. He just stares at Regulus with wide eyes and slightly parted lips.

“Ugh,” Regulus huffs and keeps walking.

James’ mind switches from empty into overdrive and he scrambles after Regulus. “No, no Reg, wait, please kiss me. I want you to kiss me.”

Regulus doesn’t stop. “You missed the moment.”

James makes some kind of noise that might be misinterpreted as a whine (it’s not a whine. No matter how desperately he wants this kiss and how disappointed he is that that’s what’s currently not happening. James Potter doesn’t whine.) and rushes after Regulus. “You can’t say something like that and not follow up with actually kissing me, do you want me to suffer?”

“A bit, yes,” Regulus says. Which, rude. But regrettably also kind of fair. “Besides, don’t we have somewhere to be?”

James points down the street. “We still have time. We’re nearly there. See that greenish round building there? That’s where we’re going.”

For a second time within a few minutes Regulus stops walking suddenly. “James,” he says, his voice strained. “James, is– is that a planetarium?”

James nods a little anxious in light of Regulus’ apparent distress. “I remembered you saying you wanted to go to one, so I thought... Is that– was that not right?”

Regulus doesn’t reply. Instead he takes two quick steps towards James, and for a second he thinks Regulus wants to angrily push him away, but then Regulus is right there and James doesn’t think anything anymore because Regulus grabs onto the front of his shirt, roughly pulls him down towards him and kisses him hard.

It’s a desperate kiss, Regulus arching his back to press closer against James, and James doesn’t even have the space in his brain to deny that the noise he lets out at the contact is a whimper. He wraps one arm around Regulus’ waist, his other hand finds its way into his hair where he tangles his fingers tightly into the soft curls. Fuck, how he’s missed this. How he’s missed having Regulus this close, his hands in his hair, his mouth on his. Regulus tastes like picnics by the sea and a summer breeze under the stars and James never wants to let him go.

Regulus’ teeth sink into James’ lower lip and tug on it until James grants him entrance. When their tongues meet, hot and demanding, Regulus moans into his mouth and James hungrily swallows the noise. He thinks he might be getting drunk of it, the way it flows through him warm and all consuming, making him dizzy and flushed all over.

Something slams hard into James’ back, jostling him where he had been so comfortably tangled around Regulus, and he has to take a sidestep to catch himself again, effectively breaking the kiss. Dazed and more than a little irritated James glares at what interrupted the best part of his day so far, a man in a pin striped suit hurrying down the street, his briefcase swinging wildly around.

“Rude,” James mutters.

He looks back at Regulus, whose hands are still fisted into the front of James’ shirt. When James turns his head towards him he blushes and quickly lets go of the fabric, taking a step back. “Sorry,” he says, “I didn’t mean to spring on you like that.”

“Regulus,” James says seriously, and takes a step towards him, closing the distance between them once more. “You can spring kisses on me whenever you want. If it was up to me I’d be kissing you all the bloody time. There’s nothing to apologise for.”

“I’d kiss you some more, but I do really want to go to that planetarium.” The blush on Regulus’ cheeks spreads out further, down Regulus’ neck and under his collar and James would love nothing more than to find out where it finally ends. “I can’t believe this is what you came up with for a date.”

“I take it it’s a good thing then?”

Regulus huffs out a little laugh. “I don’t think you could have done any better.”

James beams at him. “In that case, I guess we should go so you actually get to see the show.”

As soon as the lights darken around them James’ heart starts beating even faster than before. He anxiously shifts around in his soft chair, tilted slightly back to make it easier to look at the dome of the planetarium, trying to still his nerves. This is the part of the date where he has absolutely no influence over whether or not Regulus will enjoy it, but it is absolutely crucial to him that he does.

James misses the first couple minutes of the planetarium show practically completely, because he is too busy watching Regulus next to him. It seems rather poetic, Regulus Black, lit up by the images of stars and entire galaxies flying overhead them. He is completely captivating – and completely captivated too, the way he has his head leaned back against the seat, looking up at the hemisphere where hundreds of little lights move around, reflected in his eyes. His lips are slightly parted in awe and every now and then he bites his lower lip, obviously trying to hold in a wide smile. Looking at him in those moments is difficult. James’ heart swells enough to make it hard to breathe, his entire body buzzing from adoration for the boy sitting next to him.

At some point Regulus looks over at James, the widest smile on his face. When he catches James already looking at him it softens. He leans closer and whispers, “Look at the stars, James.”

“I already am,” James whispers back.

Regulus shoves him gently. “There’s more if you look up.”

James bites his lip and takes a deep breath through his nose, trying to calm the fast staccato of his heart, before he finally turns his head to watch the show above him. From the corner of his eye he can see Regulus watching him for a second longer, before he reaches over to take James’ hand in his and then turn back towards the universe flying past them.

Regulus links their fingers and gives James’ hand a gentle squeeze. It makes James’ breath hitch in his throat, his heart stumbling over several beats. It takes everything in him not to look at Regulus again. Concentrating on the deep voice explaining various astronomical discoveries, accompanied by the soft sounds of classical orchestra pieces is practically impossible, however. Everything in James’ is focussed on where his hand connects to Regulus’, the cold metal of Regulus’ rings pressing into his skin, the gentle swirls Regulus is tracing across his wrist with his thumb.

James didn’t know a person could feel like this. He didn’t know there were enough atoms in a human body to hold this much love for someone. He knew he was in love with Regulus, until this point he just hadn’t realised how deep this love runs. He is drowning in it, filled to the brim and overflowing. He never wants to let go of this feeling.

I love you, he thinks, I love you so much. He hopes Regulus can somehow hear it, can feel it, in the way James shifts as close to him as their seats allow, in the quick pulse underneath Regulus’ thumb threatening to burst through James’ skin, in the way James’ squeezes his hand tenderly.

Regulus doesn’t let go of his hand for the rest of the show.

“We live in a vast and violent Universe that exceeds human measures and imagination,” the planetarium’s director says as said universe is spinning around the dome, slowly circling back to where the show started. “There are countless of worlds out there, countless stars in our night sky, each star being a sun, each sun a star, having its own planets.” Next to him Regulus laughs softly as he squeezes James’ hand again for the hundredth time in the past hour. “There are worlds out there of infinite variety, each governed by firm physical laws that allow the extraordinary complexity we call life to arise.” The pretty stars and constellations give way to a photograph taken of earth, growing larger and larger above them. “From our vantage point, on a pale blue planet, orbiting an undistinguished, average star, ordinary like any other–”

“Lies,” Regulus whispers softly.

“–far from the centre of our galaxy, we are privileged to be able to look out and seek the answers to the grand questions of existence.”

There is a last gentle rise in the music before it ebbs out in a slow decrescendo and the lights steadily fade back on.

“You’re disagreeing with the actual astronomy professionals?” James asks, no longer in a whisper as all around him people are starting to leave. Neither him nor Regulus are yet ready to get up. Their hands are still intertwined, resting on the arm rest between their seats and James watches in reverence as Regulus’ thumb is still drawing patterns into his skin.

Regulus laughs quietly. “I’m not seriously disagreeing with them. I just think the sun is not at all average or ordinary, but I might just be a bit biased.”

“You keep doing that,” James says lifting his eyes to meet Regulus’. “You mention it a lot. What’s your thing with the sun?”

Regulus ducks his head and looks up at the now blank dome of the planetarium. “It’s a bit embarrassing, you’re going to laugh at me.”

“I would never laugh at you.”

“Well that’s just a lie.”

“I would never lie!”

Regulus gives him an unimpressed look.

“Fine,” James concedes, “I would never lie about anything where it’s not obvious that I’m lying.”

“That sounds more like it.”

“So?”

“So what?”

James laughs. “What’s with the sun?”

Regulus looks away, a faint blush creeping up his cheeks. “It reminds me of you. Or you of the sun. So I’ve grown rather fond of it.”

James is not sure how to react to this, his insides flooding with warmth. His silence seems to embarrass Regulus further, who refuses to meet his eyes.

The director of the planetarium finally stops James from frantically trying to find words that can appropriately express how much Regulus telling him this means to him. “I’m sorry lads, I will have to ask you to leave, we have to prepare for the next show.”

“Yes, of course, sorry,” Regulus says hurriedly and practically jumps out of his chair. He’s still not letting go of James’ hand, though, so he effectively pulls him up with him.

“It was a really nice show,” James says quickly to the planetarium’s director who watches amused as James is being dragged out of the room. “Really interesting!”

“Please forget I ever said anything,” Regulus mutters on his way out of the planetarium.

James just squeezes his hand but doesn’t make any such promises. “Wanna go for a little walk in Regent’s Park?”

Regulus nods, thankful for the distraction, and tugs him along down the street. It’s a short enough walk, only about five minutes before they leave the busy streets for the quieter footpaths of the park.

“I think it’s really cute, by the way,” James says once they’re comfortably walking past the lake towards the other side of the park, avoiding paths with groups of people as best they can.

“What is?” Regulus asks confused.

“You thinking I’m like the sun. It makes me happy.”

Regulus groans. “James... I told you to forget that comment...”

James vehemently shakes his head. “I really do think it’s lovely. I make comments about you being a star all the time, I like the idea that we’re both up there in the universe for forever.”

James can see Regulus fighting with himself before ultimately giving up and mumbling, “The stars aren’t going to be there forever...”

“Maybe,” James hums and lifts Regulus’ hand to his lips to gently press a kiss to his knuckles. “But it’s close enough to forever that I can excuse that.”

Regulus blushes adorably, his eyes trained on where James’ lips are still brushing across the back of his hand. “Thank you,” he says finally, when James drops their hands again, swinging them happily along to their steps.

James draws his eyebrows together. “For stopping to kiss your hand?” he asks.

“No, you idiot,” Regulus says. After a pause, “I liked that.” It’s a quiet confession that gives James a little extra spring to his steps and sends a dopey smile on his face. “I was talking about the date. The planetarium. It was perfect. Thank you.”

“I’m really glad. I honestly had no idea what exactly to expect except for, you know, stars, so I’m glad it was something on par with your standards. I also enjoyed it. Even if I have to admit I missed quite a bit of the explanations.”

“I wonder why,” Regulus mutters.

It’s an obvious rhetorical question, but James decides to answer anyway. “See, I was on a date with this really amazing person and he’s just too beautiful not to look at and then he kept holding my hand and there was simply no chance I’d be able to concentrate.”

“Sounds like an annoyingly distracting person, if he keeps you from appreciating the stars.”

James stops walking and tugs on Regulus’ hand until he steps closer and faces him properly. He lifts his free hand to Regulus’ face and gingerly runs his fingers down his cheek, revelling in the way it makes Regulus shiver.

“He makes me appreciate the stars a lot more, actually,” James says quietly, speaks it into the space between them like a secret. “I realised I was in love with him under the stars and seeing him under those same stars again, even if they were merely a projection, only made me fall in love more.” James gently tugs a stray curl behind Regulus’ ear, then lets his finger trail further down his neck, letting it come to rest at his nape where he lightly plays with the soft hairs curling there.

When he drops his hand again he looks at Regulus earnestly and waits for him to return his gaze before he says his next words. “I love you, Regulus. I love it when you argue with me and I love it when you talk to me about poetry and the stars and your friends. I also love when you don’t say anything and just sit with me in silence, even though I usually am not good with silence at all. With you it is comfort and warmth and I love you for that, too. I love looking at you and kissing you and holding your hand and being near you all the time. I just love you, all of you. So much. And I was wondering...”

James looks around for just a second, lets his eyes travel around the quiet corner of the park where they came to a halt in, shielded off by a few bushes and trees from the main path. “I know I asked this before, but last time I messed it up and you didn’t deserve it, so I’m trying again.” James takes a deep breath, his heart suddenly beating very fast again.

This might still not be the right moment, might be too soon, but he’s already started, so there is no turning back now. And it feels right, feels like the right moment, so he pushes his worrying thoughts down and looks back at Regulus.

“I was wondering if you’d like to be my boyfriend.” A beat of hesitation, then he adds uncertainly, “Real boyfriend. Just for the two of us. With no ulterior motives or miscommunicated secrets. Just my boyfriend, although there would obviously be nothing just about it, there could never be anything just about you being my boyfriend, if you wanted to be that, that is, since you don’t have to–”

“James,” Regulus interrupts him quietly and James’ mouth falls instantly shut, his nervous ramblings now shifted to nervous silence as he watches Regulus. His cheeks are crimson and there is an earnest smile on his face when he says, “I’d like to be your boyfriend. Just your boyfriend, even. I’d like that very much.”

“Oh,” James breathes out, and then he surges forward, cups Regulus’ face in his hands, and kisses him.

It’s nothing like their previous kisses. There had always been some kind of urgency to it, desperation. A public kiss to prove a point, a secret kiss in the dark, a first kiss after heartbreak. This kiss isn’t any of those. This is a kiss full of warmth and certainty. Gentle hands trailing up sides, warm fingers running across cheekbones, soft lips brushing against each other. It is all love and adoration. A promise of a beginning, a vow for more.

Even when James deepens the kiss it stays tender. A light nip of Regulus’ lower lip, the delicate slide of tongue against skin. Regulus’ hands find their way into James’ hair, soft pads of fingers, smooth silver rings. Under his touch James shivers, heat coursing through his body from every point of contact.

Around them the leaves in the trees rustle as the wind picks up, but James barely notices. He feels light enough to float away, and he might have, if it wasn’t for his heart being anchored to Regulus in his arms. Right here, in this moment, his place in the world is so certainly determined by Regulus’ lips on his.

It doesn’t stop with the wind – when the first raindrops, cold and heavy, start falling around them, James can’t help himself. His content smile against Regulus’ lips turns into a chuckle, and finally into a full laugh that has him have to break away eventually.

“I’m so sorry,” James giggles, “but this is the most cliché kiss I’ve ever had.”

Regulus tilts his head up and scowls at the sky, squinting to avoid getting rain in his eyes. “It would be a bit more of a cliché if you didn’t stop kissing me so we could properly snog in the pouring rain.”

James cocks his head. “Do you want to?”

“Not really,” Regulus says after a short moment of consideration, looking at James once again. “I’d rather stay as dry as possible so the date can last longer.”

Just for that, James pulls him close again for another kiss, albeit this one a lot shorter. When he pulls back he grins. “Well then, Reg, let’s keep you dry.”

Regulus narrows his eyes at him. “I do not like how you sound far too gleefully mischievous here.”

James grabs his hand and briskly tugs him back the way they’ve come. “No mischief,” he promises. “I’m just happy you want to keep this date going.”

They’ve barely made it out of the park when the occasional raindrops suddenly give way to a proper downpour. Regulus lets out what seems to be a stream of French words damning the skies and tightens his grip on James’ hand, before he falls into a quick run alongside him.

“I told you I’d get you to run with me some day!” James laughs, the heavy raindrops splattering against his glasses, turning the world around him into a kaleidoscope picture.

“Oh fuck off!” Regulus calls back through the rushing of the rain and the noise of tires against a wet street next to them.

“Come on in here,” James instructs, but doesn’t give him the chance to react before he pulls Regulus into the small cubicle box he spotted at the side of the footpath. It has barely enough space for both of them to stand inside, but it’s a temporary shelter that will keep them dry until the rain subsides. And standing inside a small, confined room, shut off from the rest of the world, with Regulus, his boyfriend? Well, James would be mad to complain about that.

“Huh?” Regulus asks confused in light of the new surroundings, looking around the enclosure curiously.

“Photo booth,” James gives the short explanation, pulling the black curtain hiding them from the street shut behind himself. “It keeps you dry and very close to me. Perfect conditions for a longer date.” He crowds Regulus against the wall – it’s not much of a change in position since they’re already closely crowded together as is, but James takes the last few inches for himself as well and leans in to kiss Regulus.

Regulus, however, presses his hands against James’ chest and gently pushes him away. “Ew, you’re wet,” he complains half-heartedly, but his hands stay firmly on James’ chest, running across the soaked fabric sticking to his skin. James feels awfully smug about the way Regulus’ eyes are practically glued to where the water caused the white fabric of his shirt to go a little see-through.

“Uh huh, sure looks like you really hate the fact that I got rained on,” James teases.

Regulus quickly pulls his hands away. “I do,” he says with a scowl, his cheeks burning red.

“Reg, love, you don’t have to pretend to not like the way I look, I’m very much aware of the fact that you do. I like it, it makes me feel good.”

At the pet name Regulus’ cheeks darken only further. After a moment of hesitation he lightly tugs on James’ shirt. “Whoever allowed you to wear this should be put into prison.”

James snorts, “That would be Sirius for you.”

“I stand by my point,” Regulus asserts. “It’s a terrible shirt. You look far too good and the rain really did not help.”

“And yet you still don’t want to kiss me because you’re bothered by the wetness?” James smirks and raises his eyebrows. If he could he’d only raise one, this seeming to be the more appropriate reaction for his teasing and also infinitely cooler, but this skill was unfortunately kept from him, a fact Sirius never tires to remind James of.

Regulus plays with the hem of the shirt’s button facing for another second before he points to the little stool bolted into the photo booth. “Sit,” he commands.

At the change in tone from flustered and petulant to this James hurriedly sits down.

“Do you have Muggle money?”

James draws his eyebrows together in surprised confusion, but nods. His voice is lost somewhere unknown as he looks up at Regulus standing right in front of him, between his open legs. Something about this entire situation makes James’ heart beat faster. He doesn’t have the brain capacity to examine the reason behind that properly right now, so he just waits for Regulus to make the next move.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Regulus says, “And then we’re going to make proper use of this photo booth. Considering I lost most of my photos with you I need to take new ones anyway.”

James nods keenly. “Sounds like a good plan.” His voice comes out a little raspy as Regulus climbs on his lap, straddling him. “Hi,” James breathes out when they’re face to face, Regulus’ arms looped around his neck.

“Hello,” Regulus replies softly, smiling.

And then he’s kissing him again.

If James could think about anything but Regulus’ lips and Regulus’ hands and Regulus’ name and Regulus he’d compare this kiss to the first one they shared. It’s similar, a nice mirror situation with Regulus on his lap once again right after having complained about Sirius. It is also nothing at all like their first kiss, because James is in love and Regulus is his boyfriend and this kiss is theirs. It is a kiss for the sake of kissing, a kiss because James loves Regulus and he gets to do these things now.

James tangles his hands through Regulus’ damp curls, less soft like this but not any less perfect, and melts a little. This is all he’s ever wanted and it is more than a little overwhelming. But then Regulus licks into his mouth, untugs his shirt to push a hand under it and run it up James’ back and James is no longer melting, he is burning up, fire spreading through him from every of Regulus’ touches.

He moans, somewhere in the back of his mind thankful for the rushing rain outside of the photo booth swallowing up the noise for anyone but them. Regulus hears it, though, and seems to take it as the plea for more it is. Because James wants more. He wants all of it, everything, if only it includes Regulus. He needs more and Regulus is more than willing to give it. He digs his hands into the muscles of James’ back and presses closer, chest against chest, and rolls his hips down against James.

James shudders, not prepared for this, his body quickly reacting to the friction, and he lets out a startled groan and pulls back a little, breaking the kiss.

Regulus doesn’t let this deter him as he starts kissing along James’ neck instead, nipping his skin on the way, pausing to suck at an especially sensitive spot when James whimpers.

“Reg,” James moans, “Fuck– love, I need you to stop.”

Regulus does pull back at that, his lips red and swollen, but there is a disappointed pout on his face.

This is not at all what James wants. This is very much the opposite of what James wants, actually, he’d much rather have Regulus back sucking bruises into his skin and grinding down against him. But there is a time and place for this and right here, right now is probably not it.

“As much as I would love for you to continue this,” James croaks, “we’re still in a photo booth in public and I don’t think this is much more appropriate of a situation for me to get off to you than last time was.”

At the words Regulus flushes furiously. He looks so beautiful like this; James loves seeing him blush, especially when he knows he’s caused that. He quickly presses a kiss into the corner of Regulus’ lips, trying to force his own body to calm down again. It’s rather difficult with Regulus still on top of him, looking like he does.

“Photos?” James asks anyway.

“Photos,” Regulus agrees, still visibly flustered.

It takes a minute for James to retrieve the coins of Muggle money from his pocket, mainly because he refuses to let Regulus get up to speed up the process. It takes another couple minutes before they figure out how the photo booth works. James has never done this himself, he’s only once watched Lily and Marlene operate one of these machines before. In the end Regulus twists around in James’ lap, takes the money from his hand and exasperatedly points at the little sign very clearly stating step by step what to do to get it working.

“Reading is not difficult, James.”

“You’re biased, of course you’d say that.”

“Opening a book every now and then is not being biased?” Regulus’ voice raises in indignation at the end.

“I’ll have you know I’ve opened several books in the past few days! I’ve even read them!”

James can see that Regulus is trying his best to hide his laugh. In the end a small snort still escapes and he mockingly mutters “Even read them” under his breath. “And yet you still can’t grasp a simple sign,” he adds.

“That’s what I’ve got you for now,” James says and kisses the back of Regulus’ neck. “That’s what one gets a smart boyfriend for, to read all the signs for me.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Regulus says but he sounds so endlessly fond, James has to kiss his neck again for good measure. “Now look up, the machine is going to take photos as soon as I press this.”

James wraps his arms more securely around Regulus and hooks his chin over his shoulder. He watches Regulus feed the machine the coins and press the little white button to start the process.

For the first photo they simply both grin into the camera. On the second, James decides to bite Regulus’ neck, which causes him to yelp indignantly. He swats at James in retaliation, which makes him duck away laughing and when the flash goes off a third time James is sure the photo will come out completely blurred. James doesn’t get to point that out though, as Regulus suddenly twists around, cups James’ face in his hands, and cuts James’ words off by kissing him fiercely.

James completely misses the camera flashing for the last picture.

Several minutes later, when Regulus mumbles “Can we go back to yours?” against James’ lips and James nods enthusiastically, a strip of four black and white photos is waiting for them. Regulus doesn’t even bother looking at them before tucking them safely away into his pocket and pulling James up with him.

When they leave the photo booth to make their way back to the Leaky Cauldron it is easy, maybe even natural, to link their fingers, their hands fitting together as if they were always meant to be. Around them a cold wind is mixing with the heavy raindrops still falling from the sky.

In the streets of London summer is ending, but with Regulus’ fingers intertwined with his, James’ hands are still warm.

I hate the way you tell me no just to disagree

I hate the way you criticise my favourite poetry

I hate it when you’re quiet and won’t let me understand

I hate it how you make me lie, and when you hold my hand

I hate the way you dress all black and tie up your hair

I hate that when I turn around you are always there

Even more I hate when you’re not here, and won’t answer my call

But mostly I hate the way I don’t hate you

Not even close, not even a little bit

Not even at all