Archive of Our Own

Trolley Problems

Liquid Luck was Percy Weasley’s favorite cafe to work at. It was just loud enough that Percy could focus on his homework, it was filled with the rich smell of coffee and baked goods, and Percy’s family discount didn’t hurt anything either.

The only minor annoyance was…

“Hi, Uncle Perfy.”

Percy tried hard not to sigh when he looked down at his pseudo-nephew. Harry and Fred’s adopted son was cute enough, Percy supposed, but his brother and his husband tended to let Teddy run wild in the cafe and the kid insisted on talking to Percy every time he saw him.

“Hello, Teddy,” Percy said curtly. He didn’t dislike children, necessarily, but Teddy was exhausting. And Percy didn’t think that he would ever want to tie his life down so quickly as Fred did when he married Harry and took Teddy in after Harry’s uncle died and left Teddy an orphan.

Fred was only two years younger than Percy and while Percy was still attending university and pursuing his goals, Fred had an entire family.

It was maddening.

“Daddy said to tell you he’s making new bifits,” Teddy said. He didn’t have his front teeth and it made all his words lispy so Percy had to focus to understand him.

“Are they yummy biscuits?” Percy asked Teddy with mock-solemnity.

Teddy nodded his head quickly and Percy smiled indulgently as he leaned down to get his face closer to Teddy’s ear.

“How can they be yummy if you don’t help make them?” Percy whispered. “Everyone knows the best biscuits are ones made by you.”

Teddy erupted in giggles and hugged Percy quickly before he dashed off behind the counter to go help Harry or Fred, whichever ‘Daddy’ was baking. Harry had been there when Percy arrived, but he traded off with Fred at random intervals to make supply and delivery runs.

But with the distraction temporarily gone, Percy went back to his paper he needed to write.

Percy’s sociology professor, a brilliant man named Professor Flitwick, had assigned their midterm essay on the trolley problem.

The trolley problem was an ethical question, an easy one in Percy’s opinion.

A trolley is on the tracks headed toward a group of five people. There’s a switch that will change the direction of the trolley, but it would direct it to a single person. Essentially, if a person did nothing then it meant that five people would die. If they did something, they’d save the five lives but would be personally responsible for the death of a single person.

How Percy was meant to write a five page essay, single-spaced, on how he wouldn’t hit the switch was the real problem in his life.

Percy had a solid outline nearly finished when Teddy and Harry brought out a tray of fresh scones and a new iced latte for him.

“Hey, Perce.” Harry was considerate when he put the tray on Percy’s usual table, much more considerate than Fred typically was.

“Hello.” Percy signed and closed his textbook to give Harry common courtesy.

Truthfully, Percy liked Harry. Harry was a happy-go-lucky kind of bloke that made Fred happy as could be. Even Percy’s mum forgave their quick engagement with the addition of her first grandchild in the form of Teddy. The cafe that Harry inherited from his uncle (along with the toddler…) was an added bonus as he consistently employed Weasley’s part-time when they needed work.

Even if Harry was a secondary school dropout, he was a nice person.

“Whatcha workin’ on?” Harry asked. He propped a foot up on the edge of Percy’s table-legs and leaned over some to peek at his work. “Oh, sociology? That’s with… Flitwick, right? Short bloke? Beard longer than he is tall?”

“It is.” Percy gave Harry a curious look. “How’d you know?”

Harry grinned and shrugged his shoulders. “I’ve worked here since I was a kid, we’re a block from the university. I meet a lot of the staff and I think Flitwick’s been there a while.”

“Fifty years,” Percy said. “I think only Professor Binns has him beat.”

“Nope. Have you met the English Literacy Department Professor? Minerva? She’s been there almost sixty years,” Harry said. He turned his head when the bell above the door dinged and then gave Percy an apologetic smile. “I’ll let you get back to work and I will too. I’ll try and keep Teddy from bugging you. You’re his favorite uncle, you know.”

With that little guilt trip laid, Harry strolled away toward the counter and Percy went back to work. The outline was finished, Percy just needed to actually start the paper…

While the loss of any life is unacceptable, it would be a heavy strain to go through life knowing you personally took a life…

Percy wasn’t thrilled with his introduction. Good papers, excellent papers, needed a strong hook and Percy’s was—

“You’re wrong, you know.”

Percy whipped his head around and found a woman standing behind him. She was young, probably around his age, with a smug twist of red lips and a glimmer of amusement in dark green eyes. She held a paper cup in her hand and was obviously reading Percy’s paper over his shoulder.

“It’s the trolley problem, it can’t be right or wrong,” Percy sniffed. “This is an—”

“An ethical dilemma?” she asked. “Yeah, I know. I have the same paper due next week. Mind if I sit?”

Percy subtly moved the empty chair at his table closer to the table and he lowered his laptop screen some. Not only did Percy not know her, but he didn’t like being mocked or used for homework help.

Tutoring was one thing, striking up a conversation while Percy was trying to work just to copy his information was just… it was…

Sadly, it wasn’t the first time it happened.

“So you can copy my work?” he asked distrustfully. “That’s cheating and plagiarism.”

“As if I would copy you when you have the wrong answer.” The woman curled her lips up in the corner and then quickly yanked the chair away from the table so she could sit.

“You can’t have a wrong answer here,” Percy argued. He was more offended by the woman’s audacity in saying he was wrong than he was by her sitting without invitation.

“You can, actually. Do you want to see?” The woman snagged an ink pen from Percy’s neat stack and then slid a napkin to herself. “Watch this…”

Percy watched, interested despite himself, as she began writing. She had elegant handwriting and seemed entirely confident in her assessment.

“See this?” The woman wrote a large five on the left side of the napkin. “And then this?” She wrote a one on the other side. “Now look here…” She wrote a greater than symbol between the two of them and then looked up at Percy with an impish smirk.

“Do you understand? Five is greater than one,” she said in a drawl. “So - from a purely mathematical and scientific standpoint - you are wrong.”

Percy rolled his eyes while he angled his chair to face her. If she wanted to argue the issue, then it would only help Percy write a stronger paper in the end.

“You can’t look at the value of life, the value of a soul, based on math,” he said hotly. “Yes, four lives would be saved, but who could flip a switch knowing their action directly killed a person?”

“Who could stand by and know their inaction killed five people?” she argued. “You would be a hero for saving those other people.”

“That’s an incredibly self-centered reason to flip the switch,” Percy said waspishly.

“Whereas worrying more about your soul than the loss of extra lives is somehow brave and selfless?” The woman laughed and took a sip of her coffee.

Percy was momentarily distracted by the pink flush that colored her round cheeks after her drink.

Even if she was audacious and cold-hearted, the woman was also pretty and suddenly Percy felt nervous about their close proximity.

“I’m Percy,” Percy blurted impulsively. “And you?”

“Millicent Bulstrode. Please, call me Millie.” The woman offered Percy her hand and he cursed his sweaty palms as he quickly shook it.

“I don’t recognize you from class,” Percy said. “You attend Oxford?”

“I have Flitwick on Tuesdays,” Millie explained. “What’s your degree, Percy With-No-Last-Name?”

Percy scowled at the teasing smile on Millie’s face. He hated being mocked. Percy spent his entire life being mocked—

Mocked by his siblings for caring more about studies than lacrosse. Mocked by classmates who called him a know-it-all and didn’t care about Percy’s feelings. Mocked by the world because Percy couldn’t find a single place where he belonged.

The only two people in Percy’s life who didn’t mock him were his roommate, Oliver, and his sort-of-nephew, Teddy.

And Teddy would probably start mocking Percy once he understood how.

“It’s Percy Weasley,” Percy told Millie. “I’m earning my doctorate in politics.”

“Really?” Millie seemed impressed instead of confused, as all of Percy’s family had been when he announced his focus.

“Yes, really,” Percy said drily. “I graduate next spring and I’ve already been offered a paid internship with Minister Quinn’s campaign office.”

Percy still had the acceptance letter framed and hung on his wall. It was a huge honor to be accepted and Percy was eager to begin.

“That’s excellent,” Millie said. Percy tried to search through her tone to find the mockery but was struggling to snuff it out.

“The polite thing to do now is ask me what my degree is in,” Millie said. Percy flushed as he hadn’t realized how long he’d sat there silently scrutinizing Millie.

“What’s your degree in?” Percy asked, just as polite as he had previously been impolite.

Millie tossed her waves of long dark brown hair over her shoulder and arched a perfect eyebrow at Percy.

“I’m two years from my Doctorate in Future Propulsion and Power,” she said. Percy recognized her tone then, it was a defensive one.

A tone that said someone she said those words to before didn’t accept them very gracefully.

“That explains the math,” Percy said. “What are you planning on doing with your degree?”

Millie relaxed at Percy’s question and then began discussing her current internship at the European Space Agency. Percy became so caught up in the conversation with an intelligent woman - a rarity in Percy’s life - that he hardly noticed as thirty minutes slipped past them until they were interrupted.

“Uncle Perfy!”

Percy looked behind himself and downward directly in the eyes of little Teddy.

“Did you make a friend?” Teddy whispered in the incredibly loud way that toddlers tended to whisper.

“He did.” Millie leaned around Percy so she could smile down at Teddy. “My name’s Millie, what’s yours?”

“Edward Remuf Lupin-Potter,” Teddy said very slowly as he pronounced his name to Millie. “Daddy said you have to know your name in case you’re ever lost.”

“Your daddy is very right,” Millie said. She looked around the cafe, prompting Percy to do so as well, and they both took in the emptiness of the place.

“Is your daddy here somewhere?”

Teddy giggled and scrambled up Percy’s chair and plopped in his lap without Percy ever agreeing to it.

“He’s back there.” Teddy pointed a chubby finger toward the kitchen and then he smiled widely at Millie. “He’s yelling at Aunt Ginny. She broked his oven.”

“Aunt Ginny’s here?” Percy asked. When Teddy nodded, Percy quickly began packing his belongings back in his bag.

The only person who would prevent Percy from working on his paper more than Teddy was Percy’s sister Ginny.

Ginny was Percy’s polar opposite. He was quiet, she was loud. Percy liked to read, Ginny had no patience for non-essential reading. Percy went to University to secure a career, Ginny wanted to play lacrosse professionally.

Without fail, every interaction they had tended to lead to an argument of some sort. The last one had been over Ginny’s girlfriend Luna who tried to read Percy’s palms and he offended her by calling it crack science.

“You’re leaving?” Millie asked. Percy was sure he was misinterpreting the flash of disappointment on her face. Possibly she also only wanted to debate the trolley problem to strengthen her own paper.

Or she had a brain tumor, only had a month to live, and one of her bucket list items had been speaking with a stranger in a cafe.

That sounded absurd, but no more absurd than a pretty and intelligent woman wanting Percy to stick around and talk to her.

If he were more like Bill or Charlie? Sure. They were both handsome and clever, fun and interesting. The twins were funny, witty, and Percy had witnessed Fred flirting prettily with Harry for hours once (Percy had been trying to study for finals while Fred and Harry were freshly married). Even Ron had no problems with girls- his fiancé Hermione had been with him since they were fifteen.

As usual, Percy was the odd man out in his family. He was too tall, too thin. Percy didn’t catch a ‘summer tan’ like the others did, so his freckles stood out starkly against his white skin. The other Weasley kids were all extroverts too, able to make friends anywhere they went. Percy was an introvert and made his best mate by the pure happenstance of answering a roommate wanted add.

So, no. Percy couldn’t fathom why Millie seemed disappointed he was leaving.

“I am,” Percy answered her. He gave Teddy a quick peck of his lips against the top of his messy head of hair before lifting him from his lap and placing him on the floor.

“Oh, well maybe I’ll see you on campus sometime?” Millie said.

Percy shrugged as he finished packing up his belongings. He took extra care with his laptop, it was the one expensive item that he owned. His parents had saved up for it and gifted it to him when he was accepted in the doctorate program at Oxford.

It was more than simple vanity that made Percy take meticulous care of the laptop. It was also the warm feeling in his chest he had from the knowledge that his parents saw how important his education was to him and worked hard to find a lovely gift to help him in the pursuit of his goals.

It was physical proof that his parents loved and accepted him for who he was.

“Maybe,” Percy said. He could hear Harry’s voice rising in pitch back in the kitchen and assumed he only had a minute before Ginny stormed out and caught him.

Millie opened her mouth but snapped it shut when Percy jumped to his feet and slung his bag over his shoulder.

“Good luck on your paper,” Percy said distractedly. “Bye.”

With Millie’s scowl following him, Percy left the coffee shop as quickly as he could.

When Percy arrived back at the two-bedroom flat he shared with Oliver, he wasted a little bit of time catching up with his roommate.

Oliver Wood was quite different from Percy in a lot of ways, but they both shared passion for their interests and a single-minded determination to meet their goals. Oliver was also something of an introvert, despite his place on every sports team in the city.

All in all, Percy rather liked his roommate.

“Heya, Percy.” Oliver was sitting on their scruffy sofa and bounced a lacrosse ball on the hardwood floors while his face was screwed up in concentration.

“We never getting our deposit back,” Percy said, nodding toward the slight dents in the wood Oliver left every time he did that.

Oliver laughed and shrugged without ever missing the ball he tossed for himself to catch.

“I never get any deposit back on rentals,” Oliver said carelessly. He watched as Percy hung his backpack and jacket up on his hooks in their sitting room closet. “Did you get that paper done?”

“No.” Percy sighed and sat down beside Oliver on the sofa. He pulled his feet up beneath himself just in case a stray ball tried to break his toes. “Ginny had a shift today so I left before it turned to another fight.”

Oliver hummed sympathetically. While Percy was one of the older ones in his family, Oliver was the youngest out of three and had a tense relationship with his two older sisters.

“Just tell Ginny to piss off,” Oliver suggested brightly. “I did that every time Maggie called me until she finally quit calling me.”

“You don’t have to have weekly dinners with your siblings,” Percy pointed out. “I can’t swear at Ginny and expect her to not tell Mum on Sunday.”

Sunday dinner with the Weasley’s was a non-negotiable standing obligation ever since Bill, the oldest child, had first moved out. The only person who ever got a pass to miss dinner was Charlie and that was only if his work with PETA had him out of the country. Even Harry and Fred closed up the cafe early on Sundays to make it to dinner.

“You could just tell your mum she’s lying,” Oliver said. “Call Ginny a wretched little twat and then when she tells your mum then you say she’s lying. Who is Molly going to believe?”

Percy cracked a smile and shook his head.

“It’s best to just not stir the pot,” he said. “Are you coming with me Sunday?”

Oliver loved Sunday dinners with Percy’s family. Percy suspected it was more due to his mother’s cooking than any delight Oliver had in being surrounded by so many people, but he was a welcome addition any time he went with Percy.

“Can’t,” Oliver said regretfully. “I’ve got hockey practice tomorrow.”

“Hockey?” Percy wracked his mind for any previous mention of Oliver playing hockey and didn’t find any. “When did you join a hockey team?”

And how on earth did he find time for it?

Oliver grinned and bounced the ball again so it sailed high in the air before he caught it.

“I joined this morning,” Oliver said. “It’s to keep me in shape for cricket.”

Percy huffed and shook his head. Oliver’s schedule was as filled with sports - practice, scrimmages, matches - as Percy’s was filled with classes and his part-time shifts as a tutor for underclassmen.

The two of them chatted for a few more minutes and Percy fought down the urge to ask Oliver if he knew a Millicent Bulstrode (last time Percy met a woman she had been using him for free tutoring which Oliver warned him of from the start). Eventually, Percy peeled himself off the sofa to go work on his other assignments and Oliver offered to make them dinner.

And by cook dinner, Oliver meant nuking the leftovers in the fridge because neither of them could cook very well. Percy did okay with the basics, but Oliver started fires when he even made a pot of tea.

Percy enjoyed a quiet evening at home while he worked. His place was as different from his childhood home as a place could be, but the orderliness and quiet was more conducive to studying. By the end of the night, Percy was ahead in his reading and had added a page to his essay for Flitwick.

And Percy wrote a defense of his own argument because - no matter what Millie said - the value of a soul couldn’t be mathematically computed.

Sunday mornings were always a little hectic for Percy. He tried to cram all his tutoring sessions before four so he had plenty of time to make it to his parents, but his clients weren’t always so cooperative.

Percy’s first client that morning, one of his younger brother Ron’s friends, was fifteen minutes late.

“Sorry, sorry!” Seamus Finnigan, a second year student with no talent for chemistry, threw himself in a chair at Percy’s table in the library and gave him a crooked grin. “Late night, mate. You get it, I’m sure.”

“I don’t, actually,” Percy said, a bit haughtily. “I can’t stay late today, I’ve got another session right after yours.”

“No worries,” Seamus said cheerily. “Dean’s got a scrimmage I can’t miss anyway. So listen, Snape gave out this sheet and I don’t understand a bloody word it says…”

Percy spent the two hours Seamus paid for going over the assignment from Professor Snape, a notoriously picky professor. He also encouraged Seamus to begin reading ahead in his textbook, a pointless endeavor as Seamus seemed to find university as more of a place for fun than academics.

Percy’s second client was another friend of Ron’s - truthfully, most of his clients were as Ron was relatively well-liked and referred anyone struggling to Percy. And, unsurprisingly, this client also had trouble with chemistry.

By the time Percy finished with his four consistent clients and one new one, he was beginning to hate chemistry. If the university would find a professor who taught well, then perhaps they wouldn’t have so many struggling students.

Of course, then Percy wouldn’t have such a lucrative business, so he shouldn’t complain really.

Fred messaged Percy while he sent out his available slots for next week.

Want a ride?

Percy snorted in the middle of the library. Fred offered Percy a ride every Sunday and Percy turned him down every Sunday. Percy would rather take two trains and a bus to his parents home than ride in Fred’s car.

The one time Percy did accept a ride, he discovered that his brother drove like a maniac, Harry listened to rock music at unbearably loud levels, and Teddy drew flowers and smiley faces on Percy’s arm.

No, thank you.

Fred sent back a thumbs up and Percy headed out for the weekly dinner.

As usual, Percy was one of the first to arrive. His siblings were not punctual people.

Percy let himself in and took a moment to breathe in the familiar feeling of the house. It was always warm in the Burrow, but not unbearably so. There was a soft melody of music coming from the kitchen, probably Mum with the radio on. Percy could smell cloves and onions, which meant they were probably having stew for dinner.

Bill, his wife Fleur, and their three year old daughter, Victoire, were in the sitting room with Percy’s dad.

“Perce!” Bill jumped up from the floor where he’d been playing with Victoire to envelop Percy in a warm hug.

“How goes the studies?” Bill asked.

“I’ve been quite busy,” Percy admitted. He let Bill lead him to the sitting room and Percy sat beside Fleur on the sofa while Bill folded himself back up on the floor.

“Too busy to return my calls,” Dad said with a tsk. There was a teasing light in his eyes, but Percy blushed all the same.

Percy loved his father, obviously, but the man was incredibly electronically incompetent and their conversations tended to center around Percy explaining basic concepts such as blueray DVD players and HDMI cables to his father. It was exhausting and often left Percy wanting to bounce his head off a wall like how Oliver did his lacrosse ball.

“Mm, I think my phone’s been having service issues,” Percy lied.

Bill perked right up and Percy was grateful for his older brother when he helped to verify Percy’s lie.

“Mine’s been dropping calls all week!” he exclaimed. “Fleur’s mum called to talk to Vic and it didn’t even ring!”

“Convenient how zat only happens when my muzzer is calling,” Fleur said frostily.

Bill winked cheekily at his wife and simply shrugged.

“International calls, you know. Anyway, Percy, what else is new? You and Oliver get up to anything fun this weekend?”

Since Bill and Percy had wildly different definitions of ‘fun’, Percy doubted that his brother would enjoy hearing about the political debate he watched Friday evening.

Percy was spared having to carry on an awkward conversation by the arrival of Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Luna.

“Hello, family!” Ginny leapt in the sitting room with a wide smile. As the baby of the family, Ginny seemed to think it was her responsibility to be as loud as humanly possible at all get-togethers. Even when she wasn’t talking, her personality was just loud.

Percy doubted if Ginny Weasley had ever been overlooked or ignored in a room in her life.

Victoire ran to Ginny’s girlfriend Luna and immediately had her swinging her up on her hip. The two of them began speaking in French - Victoire’s was almost slow enough that Percy could understand it and Luna’s was rapid and fluid.

Once Ron and Hermione squeezed their way in the sitting room, Percy excused himself to go see if Mum needed any help.

Molly Weasley was possibly Percy’s favorite person in the world. He always thought everyone loved their mother’s more than anything else as a child. Any paper he wrote in primary about his hero had always been about his mum. As he got older, Percy listened to his siblings vent about their mum (“she’s overbearing!” “she’s always nosing in my business!” “she doesn’t approve of my girlfriend, what a shock.”) but Percy never minded any of the things the others found annoying.

When his mum fret over Percy looking too thin or too tired, it meant she cared if he was eating and sleeping. If she clicked her tongue about a decision Percy made, they talked it out and occasionally Percy could see where her concern came from.

The woman was a marvel, in Percy’s opinion.

Percy had a quiet few minutes of catching up with his mum while he tried to help her finish up dinner. He told her about the trolley problem paper he had and was vindicated when she said that she didn’t know if she could ever do something with the knowledge that it would directly kill a person. Though ‘the whole question seemed like nonsense’ to her.

Harry popped in the kitchen only a few minutes before the meal was finished with an offer to assist that Mum firmly turned down.

“You do enough cooking at that cafe of yours,” she said. “Though if you ever want to come early and make some of those cranberry muffins for me, I wouldn’t say no.”

Harry, who was probably Molly’s favorite child, grinned at her from the doorway.

“I brought a batch with me. I’ll just hide them in the pantry, shall I?”

“You’re a dear,” Mum said fondly. “Tell everyone to have a seat and we’ll eat.”

Mum waited until Harry set off to do just that before she leaned toward Percy and lowered her voice to a conspiratorial whisper.

“You know, I wasn’t sure about that boy at first, but he makes a wonderful Weasley, doesn’t he?”

“His hair could be a little more red,” Percy joked.

Mum was one of the few people that Percy ever felt comfortable enough around to make jokes. The rest of his siblings were always funnier, wittier, with better comedic timing. But no matter how unfunny anyone else found Percy’s jokes, Mum always laughed.

Everyone took their usual seats at the table with only two chairs left empty. Charlie was an expected absence, he was in Romania last Percy heard, but Mum frowned at Angelina’s empty seat.

“George, where’s Angelina?” she asked curiously. “She’s not sick, is she?”

“Sick of George,” Fred quipped. He bumped his shoulder against George’s and George grimaced at their mother.

“We may have had a bit of a spat last night,” George admitted. “She’s still angry so I thought it was best to leave the lion at home.”

“What’s she mad about?” Ginny asked George with narrowed eyes. Ginny and George’s wife got along like a house on fire and Percy wasn’t surprised to see her already getting riled up on Angelina’s behalf.

“So here’s the thing… if she didn’t want me to be honest on if a dress made her look fat, then why bother asking?”

Percy coughed quietly to hide a laugh when all the woman at the table, aside from Luna, immediately began berating George. Percy’s own dating life was limited to a four month relationship when he first started at university, but even he knew that George messed up.

Conversation had an easy ebb and flow after that. Percy mainly listened to the others talk until Harry said his name.

“I heard you met someone,” Harry said. The others fell into an insultingly shocked silence though Percy was rather bemused.

“Did I?” he asked.

“Millie Bulstrode?” Harry said. “She asked me about you this morning.”

“And Teddy swears that she’s ‘Uncle Perfy’s’ girlfriend,” Fred added with a grin.

Mum clapped her hands together and positively beamed at Percy.

“You’ve got a girlfriend?” she practically shrieked. “Oh, honey! Why didn’t you bring her??”

“Probably because it’s Millie,” Ron muttered.

“You know her?” Hermione asked Ron. “Her name doesn’t sound familiar.”

“That’s because you didn’t take International Relations as an elective,” Ron explained. “She’s a few years ahead of us, love.”

“What’s wrong with Millie?” Harry asked him. “She’s quite nice. She gave Teddy a spaceship coloring book once.”

Percy couldn’t even get a word in edgewise to explain that he was not even dating her before Ron spoke up again.

“Mate, I know you’re interested in blokes, but even you could see that she’s not exactly pretty, is she?”

Percy frowned then. Millie was attractive and her obvious intelligence only made her all the more attractive. ‘Pretty’ was a weak word.

“Does she have a unibrow?” Bill asked.

“No she does not,” Harry said. He puffed himself up and scowled at Ron, an exceedingly rare expression to see on Harry’s face. “Why isn’t Millie pretty enough?”

Everyone looked toward Ron who had went red faced and flustered.

“I mean… she’s probably pretty, but her nose is a bit crooked, innit? And she’s… well… she’s a bigger gal, isn’t she?”

Percy closed his eyes and braced himself for the explosion. He thought it would come from their mum, but it was Hermione who yelled first.

“EXCUSE YOU?!”

George seemed positively delighted by Ron’s insensitive comment as nobody would ever remember that he said Angelina looked fat in a dress while Ron just equated a woman’s level of attractiveness to her weight.

Although, Ron’s comment did mean that Percy wasn’t able to protest against any perceived relationship between himself and Millie until dessert.

Most of the family went to the sitting room to watch some soccer match on the telly with their pie. Percy stayed at the table with his mum, Harry, Fred, Teddy, Fleur, and Luna.

Percy might have dropped the subject altogether except Teddy brought it up first.

“Uncle Perfy.” Teddy tugged on Percy’s shirt sleeve and grinned up at him. “If you marry your new friend can I be your flower boy too?”

Harry and Fred exchanged soppy smiles at the reminder of Teddy in their wedding last spring. Teddy had been incredibly adorable in his tiny tuxedo and his tongue sticking out between his teeth as he threw flower petals down the aisle…

But that wasn’t the issue.

“My friend and I aren’t getting married,” Percy told Teddy. He sent a pointed look at his mother. “We had a brief conversation about school, that was it.”

“Nuh uh!” Teddy disagreed immediately. “She said she was your friend! And Daddy says you should only marry someone if they’re your bestest friend. That’s why he married Papa Fred and I’m gonna marry Vic.”

Mum actually cooed at Teddy while Harry chuckled.

“Teddy-Bug, you can’t marry Vic because she’s your cousin,” Harry said kindly. “You’ll have to pick someone else.”

Teddy stuck his lower lip out in a pout.

“Can I marry Uncle Perfy? He’s my other bestest friend.”

“I’m sorry, Teddy, but you can’t marry your uncle either,” Fred said with a laugh.

“Is it cause he’s marrying his friend?” Teddy asked. “Cause if so I wanna be the flower boy.”

“If I ever get married, you can be the ring bearer,” Percy told Teddy as a consolation prize. “Or you and Victoire can be flower kids together.”

“Woohoo!!” Teddy pumped a fist in the air before abruptly hugging Percy and jumping down from his seat. “I gotta tell Vic we’re gonna be flower boys or ring bears together!!”

“Sorry, Percy.” Harry shot Percy an apologetic smile as Teddy ran from the room screaming for his cousin. “We’ve been on a Disney kick and he’s rather fond of weddings.”

“Thank God it’s father of the bride who pays for a wedding, eh?” Fred said to Harry. “The way he’s going we’d go broke on his wedding one day.”

“Unless Teddy doesn’t marry a girl,” Luna pointed out. “He does seem quite enamored by his Uncle Perfy.”

“What’s not to like about my Percy?” Mum said. She smiled at Percy warmly enough to wipe away his scowl. “Now tell me about this young woman that you ‘aren’t dating’.”

When Percy didn’t have much he wanted to say on the subject - she was pretty, smart, entirely out of his league - Harry picked up the slack.

“Millie comes in all the time,” he said. “She allergic to banana flavoring, but not real bananas. She goes to Oxford and I think she’s got a job with the ESA.”

“Ooh! She sounds just perfect for our Percy!” Mum cried. Percy wondered if Millie’s apparent allergies somehow made them a good match or if Mum was just eager for Percy to be as tied down as most of his siblings were.

“She did ask about you this morning,” Harry told Percy. “I told her you’re my most regular regular, so… so maybe you’ll have a chance to ask her out properly.”

“Who said I want to ask her out?” Percy sputtered. Percy despised the idea of asking someone on a date. It left him wide open for rejection and ridicule. And he got that enough in his day to day life, thank you.

Harry’s eyebrows furrowed together and he blinked at Percy in confusion.

“I thought you liked her?” he said in a quiet voice. “You two seemed to be getting along when I saw you?”

If there was anyone that Percy wouldn’t simply snap at for them to mind their own business- it was his brother-in-law.

“She was a little rude and much too- too everything for me,” Percy explained. “Thank you for your concern, but I do not need set up with anyone.”

“She was rude?” Mum clicked her tongue disapprovingly. Percy felt a moment of guilt for misrepresenting Millie to his mother, but it wasn’t as if it mattered.

“What does too everything mean?” Harry asked. He looked indignant and ready to argue on Millie’s behalf so Percy was quick to explain.

“She was very intelligent and interesting. And you saw that she was quite pretty. We only had a paper in common and after next week we won’t.”

Percy felt his face burning as the others all stared at him. Even Luna was licking the ice cream off her spoon and blinking at Percy with big eyes.

“Oh, you have poor self-esteem!” Luna said after a long moment. She nodded to herself before scooping up another bite of half-melted ice cream. “I was rather confused when Ginny started flirting with me because I also had poor self-esteem. I think meditating helps, but you could tell yourself that you’re a boss bitch in the mirror every morning like Ginny does.”

Percy huffed through his nose as a quiet laugh at Luna’s frank honesty, but Mum looked rather putout.

“Percy, honey…” She reached her hand out to Percy across the table, leaving him with no choice but to take it and let her squeeze his hand tightly.

“Why wouldn’t a pretty and intelligent young woman be interested in you?” Mum asked. “You’re a genius, baby. You’re the smartest one in the family.”

Fred made an indignant sound, but Mum ignored him.

“And you’re very handsome,” Mum said earnestly, causing Percy to blush once more. “Your older brothers favor my brothers, but I think you look the most like your father did at your age.”

“And you see what a catch your father married,” Luna said seriously.

“Do you like this girl, Percy?” Mum asked.

Percy sighed and squeezed his mother’s fingers before slowly releasing her hand.

“I- maybe,” he admitted. “When we were talking, I didn’t even notice how much time went by.”

Percy could have talked to her for hours about their classes and her internship - she even asked questions about his as if she truly cared - if they hadn’t been interrupted.

Mum smiled softly as if Percy had declared his undying love for the random woman at the coffee shop.

“So you go back and you find that lady and you ask her if you can take her to dinner. Then you get a bouquet of flowers, you show up, and you take her somewhere special.” Mum’s smile widened and her eyes sparkled until she looked twenty years younger. “That’s what your father did and we’ve been together ever since that day.”

Luna made a loud sigh and saved Percy from having to respond.

“That’s very romantic,” Luna said dreamily. “It’s a much better story than Ginny throwing a paper ball at my head and then asking if I wanted to get hot dogs.”

“Aren’t you a vegetarian?” Percy asked her, seizing on the distraction.

“Mhmm.” Luna nodded her head. “But Ginny found a place that sold tofu dogs. They were positively vile, but it was such a sweet gesture.”

Surprisingly, that was a thoughtful gesture from Percy’s usually-selfish sister.

Percy went home that night with a bag full of leftovers to share with Oliver, a new drawing of trees from Teddy to add to his fridge, and Millie’s cell phone number from Harry.

Oliver was home when Percy returned and he was laying on the living room floor still in a sweaty hockey uniform.

“How was dinner?” Oliver asked, sounding exhausted. He sniffed dramatically and lifted his head up. “Is that food? Real food?”

“All yours,” Percy said distractedly. He pulled a bowl from the cabinet to pour Oliver some of the stew before he put the rest in the refrigerator.

“You’re my best mate.” Oliver sat up and groaned when Percy offered him the bowl of food. “Is Charlie still single? I swear I’d marry one of your brothers just to get your mother.”

“Why my brothers?” Percy threw himself on the sofa and felt the scrap of paper with Millie’s number on it burning in his pocket.

“Hm?”

Percy huffed up at their ceiling. “Why would you marry one of my brothers? I’m not hideous.”

Oliver twisted his head and Percy could sense him gawking at him. It was daft, and Percy wouldn’t normally debate such a hypothetical statement, but why not Percy?

Percy was kind. Kids liked him, which, according to psychology, meant that Percy had a considerate personality. Percy was also smart, ambitious, and he often gave Neville Longbottom a discount on tutoring when he forgot to bring the correct amount to his sessions. Percy kept the flat clean, his bedroom was tidy, and Percy took his time in sorting his whites from his colors so the washer didn’t ruin half his clothes.

It wasn’t that Percy wanted to be with Oliver, but why wouldn’t someone want to be with Percy?

“Uh…” Oliver blinked at Percy and then scrunched his nose up. “This isn’t some rom-com scene where you confess your love to me, is it? Because you’re my best mate and I think it might make our friendship a bit weird.”

Percy turned to look at Oliver and laughed.

“No,” he said. He sighed after he finished laughing and then looked back up at the ceiling. “I just… sometimes I’d like to be the bloke that women want to be with, you know? Bill’s charming, Charlie’s handsome, the twins are funny. Even Ron has someone and he’s a bit of a troll. It’s just… why not me?” he finished quietly.

Oliver was quiet long enough for Percy to feel embarrassed about his outburst. It wasn’t anything new for Percy to feel like the least-anything Weasley, but he didn’t usually complain about it to Oliver.

“Ahem.” Oliver cleared his throat and sounded almost as awkward as Percy felt. “If I were gay, I’d ask you out. You a good guy, Percy. You just, I dunno, need to put yourself out there. Don’t be afraid to catch the ball, ya know? And, if someone doesn’t fall in love with you instantly, take them to meet your mum. They’ll love her cooking so much they’ll marry you no matter what.”

Percy looked over at Oliver’s completely serious face and laughed as he grabbed the pillow under his head and smacked Oliver with it.

“I take it all back!” Oliver cried. “You’re a terrible person and you’ll die alone!”

Percy laid back on the sofa again and grinned up at the ceiling.

“Thanks, Oliver.”

“Anytime.”

Two days went by while Percy continued to carry Millie’s number in his pocket without actually calling her. He wasn’t scared, necessarily, but he wasn’t eager to put himself in a position to be mocked and rejected either.

Percy went about his business while he allowed a small part of his mind to debate the issue against himself. He completed his essay for Flitwick. He answered a call from his dad when it came and spent an hour explaining how a wireless charger still needed to be plugged in to work.

By Wednesday, Percy still hadn’t came to any definitive answer on asking Millie to dinner. Which, really, was an answer enough he supposed.

After Percy’s final class on Wednesday afternoon, he packed his bag of books, grabbed his laptop, and went to Liquid Luck for an evening of studying.

It was an evening that was almost immediately ruined.

“Heya, Perce.” Ginny stood behind the register in the cafe with a bored look on her face.

“Hello,” Percy said stiffly. Any time Ginny worked a shift, she had a tendency to bug him until he snapped at her. Then they argued. Then Percy went home and had to field calls from his other siblings that only heard one side of the story.

“Is Harry not here?” Percy asked.

“Nope.” Ginny popped a bubble with the gum in her mouth and frowned. “Teddy had a fever so Harry and Fred took him to get checked out. You know how Harry frets.”

Percy thought Harry was a reasonable parent, given his own history. Harry’s parents died in a car crash when he was young and left him to the care of his Uncle Sirius and his husband Remus. And then only a year after they adopted Teddy, Remus died of kidney failure and Sirius died only a month later of a stroke.

If Percy were Harry, he would take Teddy to the hospital over every sneeze.

“I see,” Percy said neutrally. He made a mental note to call Fred later and check on Teddy, perhaps even pick up another book for Teddy to give him something to do while he recuperated.

Percy still did his best to get work done despite Ginny’s presence. He ordered a drink and a pastry, both of which Ginny was happy to hand over ‘on the house’, then went to his regular table in the back to get set up.

Percy managed to finish one quiz and start another before his sister began pestering him.

“Whatcha working on?” Ginny hovered behind Percy and put her chin on his shoulder to look at his computer screen.

“A very important test,” Percy said impatiently. He flipped through his textbook, wanting to double check his answer before going on to the next.

“For what class?” Ginny asked.

“Religion in Law.”

“That sounds dreadfully boring.”

“It’s not.”

“What’s it about then?”

“Ginny! This is a timed test!” Percy snapped. He twisted his shoulders to dislodge Ginny’s chin and turned to glare at her for a brief moment. “Go away.”

“Fine.” Ginny flicked her hair over her shoulder and stuck her nose in the air. “Sorry for trying to show an interest in your work.”

Percy scowled at Ginny’s back as she flounced away. Trust Ginny to try and make him feel guilty when she was the one distracting him during a test.

A timed test.

Even with the interruption, Percy was able to finish the last question with twenty minutes to spare. He planned on going back to question eight and checking his grammar - he had been trying to cram multiple thoughts in a single response - but then Ginny interrupted him again. She wasn’t hideously loud that time, she merely cleared her throat from behind Percy.

“I’m not going to apologize,” Percy muttered peevishly. He clicked submit and then spun around and felt his jaw drop.

It wasn’t Ginny returning to have a row, it was Millie Bulstrode. And she was just as nerve-inducing pretty as the last time Percy saw her, perhaps even more so in a flowy mint colored blouse that set off her complexion nicely.

“You should apologize,” Millie said with irritated lines wrinkling her forehead. “It’s incredibly rude to be given someone’s number and then not do them the courtesy of even calling.”

Percy blinked at Millie, dumbstruck. She truly wanted him to call her? Percy had been half-convinced that she only gave Harry her number to be polite or perhaps get free coffee.

“I’m sorry?” Percy said. The nervous pitch of his voice made it sound more like a question than a statement. Millie huffed and narrowed her eyes at him.

“I thought we could be friends at the very least,” she said. There was a small bit of visible vulnerability in her eyes when she continued. “I don’t exactly have a lot of friends and you seemed to be interested before. Was I wrong?”

“No,” Percy assured her quickly. “I don’t have a lot of friends either. Actually, I have one. Two, if you count Teddy. I don’t typically include toddlers in my list of friends, but he does double my number, you see. And Oliver is really more of a roommate. And- and I’m rambling.” Percy blushed heavily and ducked his head for a moment. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be, I find it endearing.” Millie sounded much more cheerful after Percy’s mortifying ramble. “May I sit? I saw you were taking a test so I waited until you finished to tell you you’re a prat.”

Percy rolled his eyes over toward where Ginny was texting on her phone behind the counter. That was common courtesy.

“Yes, I’d like that.” Percy awkwardly jumped up and scooted a chair out for Millie and then blushed again when she laughed quietly at him.

“Chivalrous enough to pull a chair out but not to call me?” Millie eyed Percy thoughtfully as she took a sip of whatever drink she had purchased. “You’re rather complicated. I didn’t expect that.”

“I wanted to call you.” Percy dug the paper from his pocket to show her. It was only then that he saw the numbers had blurred from being carried around and transferred from pocket to pocket over three days.

“Oh, I guess I couldn’t have,” he said thoughtfully. Somehow that was a relief to him. Even if he had worked up the courage to make the call, he never could have read the numbers on the paper.

“Mhmm,” Millie hummed skeptically. “You don’t have to lie. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea.”

Percy grinned at the expression that he had heard his mother describe him with before.

“Just because you’re not everyone’s cup of tea doesn’t mean you’re not a wonderful cup of tea.”

“My mother said that about me before,” Percy told Millie. “Though I can’t imagine why anyone would say it about you.”

Millie went a little pink in the cheeks and Percy wanted to smack himself for being a touch too honest.

“My mother says that others are intimidated by my intelligence. Though she also tries to get me to join her for yoga and shopping sprees, so I suspect she finds my appearance less than satisfactory.”

“I think your appearance is perfectly satisfactory,” Percy blurted. “And I like smart people.”

Millie relaxed her defensive posture and even smiled a little at Percy.

It was a nice smile. With one crooked front tooth, it was an interesting smile instead of cosmetically perfect. And when Millie smiled it added a little light to her eyes that made the dark green color shine brightly.

“Thank you,” Millie said. “Oh! How did your paper go? Did you fix it before you submitted it?”

Percy was incredibly grateful for the return of a subject he was much more adept at that awkward flirtations.

“If you mean the paper for Flitwick, I did not change my answer to the ethical problem,” Percy said stoutly. “There is no right or wrong answer.”

Not according to the grading rubric.

“You’re very stubborn,” Millie said. “And now you’ve allowed your inaction to kill four extra civilians.”

Percy allowed himself to forget about his homework while they began a friendly yet heated debate over the trolley problem. One debate turned to another and, just like last time, time seemed to slip away unnoticed as Percy got caught up in the conversation.

It wasn’t until Percy went to get another sip of his drink and saw it was empty that he realized how long the two of them had been talking.

“You probably need to get going,” Millie said when she saw Percy eyeing his empty drink.

Percy did, actually. He should go home, finish studying for his morning classes, eat dinner, take a shower… leave before he made an utter fool of himself.

“No, not really.” Percy gave Millie a shy smile. “Would you like another drink or a pastry? That’s my sister on shift,” he nodded toward the register without looking, “she’s decent at making drinks, though only Harry has any talent for baking.”

“I would like that very much,” Millie said with a wide smile.

Percy got her order and then made his way toward the register quickly to get them new drinks.

“Percy,” Ginny leaned forward and dropped her voice to a whisper, “is that Millie?”

Percy scowled and prepared himself for an onslaught of offensive remarks. Either Ginny wouldn’t find Millie attractive, like Ron, or she would question why a beautiful and brilliant woman would want to spend an afternoon discussing laws and other things with Percy.

“It is,” Percy said curtly. He remained tense, physically preparing himself for Ginny’s comments.

Ginny smiled and looked delighted beyond reason.

“Percy! You sly dog!” Ginny swatted Percy’s arm. “She’s gorgeous! Way to go!”

Percy blinked as he worked to find the mockery in Ginny’s words.

“You don’t think she’s much too attractive to be interested in me?” he asked.

Ginny reared her head back and puckered her lips in a frown.

“No, I don’t,” she said. “I mean, you’re my brother, so I think you’re an ugly git, you know? But there’s no reason you couldn’t pull any woman you wanted, Perce.”

Percy genuinely couldn’t find any trace of mockery or lies in Ginny’s words or tone.

“Oh. Thanks,” he said awkwardly. “Um… can we get new drinks?”

“Nope!” Ginny smirked at him suddenly. “There’s a nice place down the road, Lor’s? Ask her to dinner like a gentleman, Perce. You guys can continue your swot-versation there.”

Swot-versation.

It would be rather witty if it wasn’t mildly offensive.

Percy looked over his shoulder and caught Millie reading through his textbook idly. Her dark hair was swept over one shoulder and Percy thought she looked lovely.

“Thank you,” Percy told his sister earnestly. He snatched a single purple flower from the vase that Harry kept on the display case and then walked back to his table with his shoulders squared as confidently as he could.

“Ahem.” Percy held the flower out the Millie when she looked up at him.

“Would you like to go get dinner with me?” Percy asked. It didn’t sound as smooth as one of his brothers surely could have made the invitation sound, but Millie still perked up and smiled at him anyway.

“I would love that,” she said. She tucked the stem of the flower behind her ear and Percy thought she made such a lovely image.

“Has Flitwick discussed the Prisoner’s Dilemma with your class yet?” Millie asked while Percy quickly and carefully packed up his belongings.

“He did,” Percy said. “Clearly the sensible answer would be to—”

“Betray the other prisoner and save your own skin.”

“No!” Percy cried with dismay. “Have you no morals? It makes more sense to continue the lie!”

Millie rolled her eyes at Percy. “You can’t lecture me about morals in the same sentence when you say you would lie.”

“It was two entirely different sentences and I think you know that.”

It felt entirely natural when Millie took Percy’s hand after he slung his bag across his shoulder.

The two of them walked out of the cafe, hand-in-hand, debating the issue all the while.

Ginny was laughing when Fred, Harry, and Teddy returned to the shop.

“I’m telling you, they were adorkable,” Ginny gushed. Harry was counting down the til to close while Fred cuddled Teddy in one of the nearby booths. Ginny wasted no time in telling them all about Percy and Millicent.

“I’m glad,” Harry said absently as he counted notes. “Percy deserves someone nice.”

Ginny rolled her eyes at Harry’s polite response. Percy deserved someone nice in the streets and a freak in the sheets.

Maybe if he got laid he could dislodge the stick he had permanently lodged in his arse.

Teddy coughed pathetically right in Fred’s face and then blinked glassy eyes over at Ginny.

“Uncle Perfy has a nice fwiend?” he asked. Poor kid sounded a little drugged from whatever cold medicine he was on.

“Yes, sweet boy, Uncle Percy has a nice friend,” Ginny assured her nephew.

Teddy smiled and laid his head down on Fred’s shoulder.

“Good. ‘M gonna be a flower boy.”