Work Text:
Spider-Man was lounging in his spider web when he hears a knock on his door. When he answers, Green Goblin is there.
“Spider-Man, you have been selected to star in my movie.”
“Why golly, Mr. Green Goblin, I’m mighty flattered at the opportunity, but I don’t think I’d be any good at acting.”
“Nonsense.” Said Green Goblin. He didn’t know how Spider-Man had guessed his name like that. “Now, get in the van.”
~~~oOo~~~
“Welcome to the desert. Spider-Man. Green Goblin says, gesturing widely.
“I hate deserts.” Spider-Mans face twists with disgust..
“Well, I’m sure they hate you too.” Green Goblin mumbles under his breath.
“What was that”
“Nothing. Lets film this movie. You will be playing the part of Beter Barker, a boy who gets bitten by a completely normal spider and becomes delusional because of the venom, thinking he’s a super hero.”
“Hmmmmmmmmmm… Okay!”
“He also dies at the end.”
“He dies? Why?”
“Yes, unfortunately.” Green Goblin said, not at all sounding like it’s unfortunate. “Poor little Beter Succumbed to the venom.”
Spider-Man pouts, but doesn’t say anything further as Green Goblin takes out Black Widow from his pink murse.
“This is Black Widow,” He explains. “She will be playing the spider.”
“Hello, I am Black Widow.” Black Widow introduces. “ I work for Satan and do acting as a hobby in my spare time.”
“I’m Spider-Man.” He extends a hand for Black Widow to shake, but she only stares into his soul, making no move to reciprocate the friendly gesture.
“Lets start with the death scene.” Green Goblin butts in. He pulls a camera from his pink murse, looking all too eager to to film Spider-Mans death.
“Shouldn’t we start at the beginning?” Spider-Man asks.
“No.”
“I want to film my part.” Black Widow demands.
“Fine.” Green Goblin sighs, he does not want to meet Satan yet. He turns the camera towards the two stars, gesturing for them to start. “Go.”
“Wait. I don’t even know the- YOUCH!” Spider-Man cuts himself off and screams in pain when Black Widow bites down into his arm. Her teeth are sharp and she doesn’t let go, eve as Spider-Man starts flailing around, trying to get her off, but ultimately making it so much worse for himself as her teeth sink deeper, tearing into his flesh.
When Black Widow finally does let up, Spider-Mans arm is nothing but a bloody mess, drops of blood splattered everywhere from all the flailing. Black Widow looks entirely unbothered, just happy to be finished with her part and ready to be paid.
Green Goblin on the other hand, looks ecstatic, having filmed Spider-Man get his arm brutally mutilated while screaming and flailing around like an idiot.
“Perfect.” He says, stopping the recording.” Now lets film the death scene.”
“Shouldn’t I get some medical attention first?” Spider-Mans face is twisted with pain, hunched over and clutching at his bleeding arm.
Green Goblin pretends to think about it for a moment. “…No” He pulls a small vial filled with a clear liquid from his murse and hands it to Spider-Man. “Drink this.”
Spider-Man takes the vial, sloshing the liquid around a bit and giving it a sniff, “What is it?”
“Poison.”
“Why would I drink poison?”
“For the death scene, to make it more authentic!”
"Oh. Okay then!”
“Really?”
“No!”
“Drink it!”
“No!”
“Drink it!”
“No!”
“Then I guess we’ll have to do this the hard way.” Green Goblin reaches into his pink murse, pulling out a glock. He cocks the glock, aiming at Spider-Man. “I brought you to this desert to kill you, and I will kill you.”
“I thought you brought me here to film a movie!”
“ The movie was a cover-up, you insolent fool! I knew you hated deserts, so I knew it would be the perfect place to enact my plans, but you ruined it! You ruined it by being such a whiny brat! So now I’m skipping the middle-man and going straight to the point.”
“I thought we were friends, though! Does our friendship mean nothing to you?”
“You literally met me not even two hours ago, we are not friends. What gave you the impression that we were friends?”
“I dunno, I just figured since we bonded so much on the way here there was something special between us…”
“We’re not friends!” Green Goblin takes aim, absolutely fed-up with Spider-Man and ready to end it.
“Wait!” Spider-Man exclaims. He points a frantic finger past Green Goblin, “Look, a Yeti!”
“Where!?” Green Goblin falls for Spider-Mans clever diversion, looking behind himself, only to see a surprising lack of Yetis. He quickly looks back to Spider-Man, ready to call him out, but finds himself standing alone.
“Drat.”
~~~oOo~~~
Spider-Man found himself at the mouth of a large cave, having successfully escaped Green Goblin. The cave was dark and scary looking, but Spider-Man had little self-preservation and went inside, despite the warning signs.
Inside the cave, Spider-Man stumbles around in the darkness. He trips over a rock, sticking his arm out to brace against the wall, flicking on a light switch and illuminating the cave and everything inside.
The Hulk is inside the cave. Spider-Man thinks this is odd, The Hulk just standing around in a dark, damp cave alone for who knows how long.
“Hello, Mr. Hulk. What are you doing in this nifty cave?”
The Hulk looks down at Spider-Man, his perpetually angry features somehow getting even more angry-looking. He takes a step towards Spider-Man, invading his personal space and backing him into the wall, not saying a word.
“What are you doing, Mr. Hulk?” Spider-Man begins to sweat, instincts telling him to run, but even if he would try, The Hulk was too big to get past while being so close.
Stuck between a literal rock and a hard place, Spider-Man does the one thing he knew how in a situation such as his current one.
“Look, a Yeti!” He yells, pointing past The Hulk.
The Hulk, not being a complete moron, does not look behind himself. Why would there be a Yeti in a desert cave? Ridiculous.
The Hulk grabs Spider-Man in his giant, green fist, lifting him easily off the ground and proceeding to fling him around the cave like hes nothing but a rag doll. To The Hulk, he might as well have been.
Spider-Man screams bloody murder, being slammed into one rocky surface after another.
Eventually, it all stops and Spider-Man lays sprawled out on the cave floor, bloody and bruised, wheezing though broken ribs. “…Why?” Is all he manages to gasp out.
“Don’t like spiders.” Is The Hulks response. He lifts his fist, ready to deal the finishing blow. Spider-Man squeezes his eyes shut, silently saying his last goodbyes to the world.
There is a heavy thud, like a body hitting the floor, then silence. Spider-Man hesitantly opens his eyes. Before him, a Yeti stands, tall and proud, having just knocked-out The Hulk and is now offering a hand down to Spider-Man.
Mesmerized, Spider-Man takes the offered hand and lets the Yeti pull him to his feet. The Yeti smiles down at him, gaze gentle and warm. Its voice booms, filling the entire cave with its words, “You’re safe now.”
“Thank you.” Spider-Man is breathless, never having even dreamed of something so magical happening to him.
The Yeti leads Spider-Man from the cave, but once they both step from its depths back into the scalding heat of the desert, the Yeti stops, going rigid, before falling flat on its face, unmoving.
“NOOOOOO!” Spider-Man cries, falling to his knees in despair.
“Do you like my EMP gun?” Green Goblin asks. He’s standing on a gnarly looking mechanical broom stick, smirking down at the distraught Spider-Man. “It works wonders on robot Yetis.”
“How dare you!” Spider-Man wails, not even bothering to look at Green Goblin.
“Collateral damage.” Green Goblin shrugs. “Your turn.”
Green Goblin drops the EMP gun carelessly on the ground and reaches into his pink murse, rummaging around for his glock.
“Drat.” He says, remembering that he had carelessly dropped it on the ground earlier and hadn’t picked it back up. So instead, he pulled out a long sword.
Spider-Man doesn’t even try to run as Green Goblin approaches him, far too depressed. Green Goblin grins, and in one swift motion, brings the long sword down upon Spider-Man and (almost) decapitating him. He is too weak to get the job done in one swing, so he has to give it a couple tries before Spider-Mans head rolls from his body.
By the end, he looks more like Red Goblin, panting with exertion and a decapitated Spider-Man at his feet. He drops the long sword carelessly on the ground, having no more use for it. “Finally.”
He then goes home to take a long, relaxing soak in the tub, because he deserves it. The tribe of robot Yetis would enact their revenge when he least expects it.