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Spencer looks up from his book in surprise as he hears a knock on his door. He isn’t expecting anyone, the takeout he ordered has already been received and consumed.
He opens the door and is greeted with the sight of a teenage girl wearing purple. And only purple, everything from her shoes to her hat is purple.
“Hello, can I help you?”
“You Dr. Spencer Reid?”
“I am.”
“Great!” The girl pushes past him and enters the apartment. He’s so bewildered that he doesn’t stop her. “You are just the guy I was looking for! Did you by chance sleep with someone named Crystal about a decade and a half ago?”
“Excuse me?”
“You don’t have to answer that.” She shoves a paper against his chest. “This says that you did. Probably. Although, knowing science these days, who knows.”
He looks at that paper, and she starts rummaging through his kitchen. The paper is the results of a DNA paternity test, one that says there is a 99.8 percent chance that Spencer Reid is the biological parent of one Stephanie Eggplant Purple Smith.
As he tries to process this, she exits the kitchen. “You don’t have any waffles? None? Zada? Zip? You don’t even have the ingredients? Really Dad?”
She frowns. “Hmm, not sure about that one. Popa? Daddy-e-o? Pops?” She nods to herself. “Pops it is! I’ll be back with some much needed supplies! Stay sparkly!”
She throws some glitter in the air and disappears.
Reid isn’t sure how long he stands there in shock before he reaches for his phone and dials a number on autopilot. It rings a couple times, then a familiar voice answers. “Hotch.”
“Hotch.” Reid sighs in relief, if anyone can figure out what to do in such a bizarre situation, it’s his level headed boss.
“Reid? Are you ok?” He must have been quiet a little too long.
“Yeah, uhhh. Something weird happened, I don’t know what to do.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“A girl just knocked on my door claiming to be my daughter.”
“Your daughter? Was she telling the truth?”
“I don’t know.” Spencer sighs and rubs his face with his hand. “It’s possible. Unlikely, but possible.”
“Does she have any evidence to back up her claim?”
“She gave me a DNA test, but I have doubts about it. Her name looks fake, and I have no idea how she got a sample of my DNA, but…” he studies the paper a little closer. “This does look like my DNA, and if this is actually hers…”
“Ok, let’s do a DNA tests ourselves. Where is she now?”
“She went to buy waffles or something.”
“…ok. How old she?”
“Not sure, maybe 16?”
Reid can hear Hotch doing the mental math, but to his credit, he doesn’t say anything about it. “Would you like me come over, interview her as an uninvolved third party?”
“Yes please.”
“Alright, I’m on my way. In the meantime, call Garcia an ask her to look into the girl, and her mother. You don’t have to tell her why if you don’t want to.”
“Ok, I can do that.” Reid feels more confident now that he has a plan.
“I’ll be there soon.”
Reid hangs up and lets out a breath. He can do this, whatever this is. He’s not alone.
A few minutes later the girl returns and makes herself at home in Reid’s kitchen.
He silently watches her as she whips up some ingredients, then puts the sparkling purple batter into a purple waffle maker.
“Where did you find a purple waffle maker?” He asks. He knows it’s probably not the best conversation starter, but sue him, it’s not like he has any experience with a situation like this before.
“I can’t tell you all my secrets Pops!”
“What can you tell me?”
“I can tell you that these here are gonna be the best waffles you have ever eaten!” She says as she puts two steaming waffles on plates, one for her and one for him, then puts more batter in the waffle maker.
Reid looks at the waffle hesitantly, he does not believe that food should have glitter in it.
Stephanie takes a bite of her waffle, and Reid bravely follows her example. To his surprise, it is actually quite good. Remembering his manners, he says, “thank you Stephanie.”
She makes a face at his words. “Call me Steph, please, Stephanie is what old people call me.”
Reid nods, and there is awkward silence as they eat and she cooks more waffles.
Just as he is wondering what on earth to say, he is saved by a knock on the door. With a sigh of relief, he gets up and welcomes Hotch in.
“Hotch, this is Steph. Steph, this is-“
“Supervisory Special Agent Aaron Hotchner, your boss.” She interrupts him.
“That’s correct.” Hotch says. “How did you know that?”
Steph jabbs her thumb in the direction of Reid. “When I found out that this guy is my father, I decided to learn a bit about his life, that included learning a bit about his job and coworkers. Waffle?”
Hotch accepts the waffle, but doesn’t make a move to eat it. “How old are you Steph?”
“I am old enough to legally obtain a license to pilot a balloon or glider.”
At Reid and Hotch’s blank looks she rolls her eyes and speaks. “I’m sixteen.”
“How did you get here?”
“I took a few trains and buses.”
“Where are you from?”
She smiles mischievously. “Where would be the fun in telling you that?”
Hotch doesn’t rise to the bait. “Does your mother know you are here?”
Pain flashes in Steph’s eyes, but she quickly masks it, putting on a fake smile, and shrugs. “She thinks I’m dead. It’s better that way.”
“Why?”
“She’s safer if she thinks I’m dead.”
“Why?”
Hotch and Reid both stare at her until she sighs again and mumbles something.
“What was that?”
“I said,” she rolls her eyes. “That I may have started a gang war, and my boss and the authorities decided it was in my best interests to fake my death and make a new name for myself.”
“A gang war?!” This time it’s Reid who speaks. “What? Why? How?”
“I’m not gonna say another word about it.” She mimes zipping her lips shut.
Seeing that she is serious about that, Hotch changes the line of questioning. “How did you find out that Reid is your father?”
“I was curious about my family history, so I asked a friend to look into my relatives. Imagine my surprise when she tells me that according to my DNA, the man I thought was my father is not. I figured since I am starting a new life, and no one else knows that the man who’s name is on my birth certificate is not my dad, I might as well find you and meet up.”
“So you just showed up here, expecting Reid to take you in?”
She scoffs. “Of course not. A surprise kid is a big thing, and if Pops wants nothing to do with me, I’ll just disappear. I just wanted to meet him. And I know you don’t believe me, so-“ she yanks a hair out of her head. “Test this and you’ll see I’m telling the truth.”
“We will.” Hotch says. “Where are you staying?”
“At the hotel down the street.”
“Hotels can be expensive, where are you getting the money?”
“It’s hush money.”
“Hush money?”
“Yes. What is it with you and repeating what I say?”
“What’s the hush money from?”
“It wouldn’t be doing a good job of being hush money if I tell you that, now would it? But…” she motions with her finger for them to lean forward, then lowers her voice as if telling a secret. “I’ll tell you. It’s to keep quiet about the fact that a certain rich guy likes to dress up as a furry.”
Reid and Hotch lean back and blink, unsure what to do with this information. Steph keeps a serious face, then bursts out laughing. “I was just joking, you should have seen your faces!”
They breathe sighs of relief.
“The hush money is actually to keep quiet about a Mafia family I was involved with.”
“What?!”
Hotch and Reid continue questioning her, but she doesn’t reveal anymore pertinent information. She does tell them that her favorite color is purple, but that something that they probably could have guessed.
At some point Steph tells them she has to use the washroom, then disappears.
They search for her for a little bit, look at the hotel she was claiming to stay at, but don’t find her. They consider calling in more people to search, but decide not to. Considering the fact that she wrote ‘Steph’s property, do not touch or you will have a glittery demise’ on the waffle maker in permanent marker, they have reason to believe that she will be back.
The next day Reid goes to work, and tries to pretend there is nothing unusual going on. He gets a few questioning looks, he must not be hiding his hurricane of thoughts very well, but thankfully no one asks him any questions, yet.
Garcia approaches his desk. “I have that information you asked for Baby G.”
He makes grabby hands towards the files, and she gives them to him. As he looks through them, she speaks. “As you can see, I can’t find anything about Crystal Agnus Bell after her 16th birthday. It’s like she disappeared off the face of the planet. As for Stephanie Eggplant Purple Smith, I found a birth certificate and school enrolment records. She was born in Kansas to a Crystal Alfred Smith and a Bruce Arthur Smith, and she’s a straight A student. Not much other information on her or her parents.”
“Thank y-“
Reid is interrupted by a gasp right next to him. “Are you talking about me without me! Anything good?”
Steph grabs the papers out of his hand and reads through them. “Ooo, this is fun! It’s like my very own biography!”
When she finds reading, she pulls out a container with waffles that are somehow still hot enough to be steaming, and starts eating them.
“Stephanie Eggplant Purple, I presume?” Garcia asks the girl who is dressed in a purple tracksuit, and has a headband with glittery purple cat ears on her head.
“That’s me!” She replies cheerfully as she hands out waffles to everyone who has gathered around.
Where are all these waffles coming from?
“I love you purse!” Steph gasps as she gestures to Garcia’s sparkling violet bag.
“Thank you!” Garcia gushes. “I got it from this adorable little shop, it has so much amazing stuff! I think you might like it!”
Reid groans. He can see it now. His maybe daughter and his dear friend will take over the world together. It won’t be too terrible, he muses, they can’t do much worse than the current leaders, but they will definitely make everything more colorful, and while there is nothing wrong with colour, or liking colour, the amount that will be around after they take over the world will surely induce headaches.
Before he can say or do anything, the door to Hotch’s office opens, and the man steps out. “Reid, Stephanie, my office, please.”
The feeling as he walks to the office is what he imagines students feel when they are called to the principal’s office. Everyone is staring at him, and Stephanie, and he feels the tips of his ears turn red. Stephanie isn’t bothered in the least by the attention, she smiles and waves at everyone as if she is a celebrity and they are her adoring fans.
Surely this can’t be his daughter, right? She is nothing like him.
They enter Hotch’s office, and sit down. Reid sits like a normal person, and Steph sits on the back of the chair instead of the seat. Hotch stares at her with a raised eyebrow until she slides down into a more normal position.
“I put a rush on the DNA tests. And the results are back.” Hotch speaks. “Stephanie Eggplant Purple Smith is your daughter.”
Reid gapes, his heart in his throat. “Are you sure?”
Hotch nods. “I’ll give you two some time.” He disappears.
“Sooo, Pops?” Stephanie pokes his face.
“Yeah?”
“Oh good, I was starting to fear you went into shock.”
“I’m fine, just a lot to process.”
Stephanie nods, more serious than he has seen her so far. “I get it. Learning you are a parent…” she shakes her head. “It’s a big deal. And I’m sorry if I’ve made things difficult for you by barging into your life like this. If you want me to leave, I can.”
“No no, I want you. I just have no idea how to be a dad.”
“Well, you can’t do much worse than the guy I thought was my dad. Or the guy who keeps trying to adopt me.” Steph says then hastily adds. “Which we will not be talking about right now.”
“Ok. But if you ever want to talk about anything, I’m here now.”
“I’ll keep that in mind.” Steph says, then there is awkward pause until she speaks again. “So, are you gonna tell the rest of your team?”
Reid sighs then chuckles. “I never thought I’d be the one with an unexpected child, I always thought it would be Morgan, or Rossi.”
Steph nods in agreement. “Can I call them Uncle Morgan and Grandma Rossi?”
Reid splutters out a laugh. “What??”
“Remember how I said that I did some research into your team when I found out that you are my dad?”
“…yeah?”
“So I may or may not have told my ex about you, and then he may or may not have befriended Gracia in order to get all the juicy gossip, and it’s possible that she told him that Morgan is like a brother to you, and that Rossi and Hotch are the team parents, so since I’m your daughter, that makes them my grandparents, right? What do you think Hotch’s face will look like when I call him Grandpa?”
“I… I would like to see his face when you do that.” Reid chuckles.
“Yay!” Steph pumps her hands in the air as she cheers. “You never answered my question, will you tell your team about me? Cause if you don’t want too, I can hide from them, I’m quite good at that.”
“Thanks for the offer, but it’s alright. They’ll find out somehow, they are good detectives. And I don’t want to lie to my friends.”
Steph nods in understanding. “When I got pregnant, I decided to just rip off the bandaid so to speak and tell my mom instead of hide it.”
“What???” Reid hopes he heard her wrong. “Am I, am I a grandfather? I’m too young to be a grandfather!!”
Steph winces, she probably could have eased into that information instead of dump it like that. She awkwardly pats Reid’s shoulder as he blue screens.
“If it helps any, you don’t have to actively be a grandfather, I put the child up for adoption.”
“Oh, ok.” Reid isn’t sure what he’s supposed to do with this information. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need to be sorry, I just did what was best for the baby.”
Reid nods in understanding and there is awkward silence for a little as he processes the information.
Eventually he breaks the silence. “Want to officially meet my team?”
“Yes!” Steph jumps up, and Reid can see that the chair she was sitting on has a considerable amount of purple glitter on it. He decides not to say anything, it’s Hotch’s problem, not his. After all, Steph is Hotch’s granddaughter now, he can deal with some shenanigans, it comes with the territory.
“How do you want to do this?” Steph asks.
Reid shrugs. “I have no idea, I’ve never done anything like this before. Just announce that I have a daughter I guess?”
“Borrrrrring.” Steph says. “Where is the excitement, the pizzas, the drama, the pizzazz, the glitter! We need a better plan.”
“I’m open to suggestions.” Reid says, then regrets it as Steph rubs her hands together with an evil gleam in her eyes.
“Here’s what I’m thinking…”
A few minutes after Hotch calls Reid and the strange girl into his office, he leaves his office and goes to Rossi’s. Those down in the bullpen, Morgan, Prentiss, Garcia and JJ gossip, sorry, practice their investigative skills, as they try to figure out what is going on between Reid and that strange girl.
So far the prevailing theory is that she is a fangirl of Reid. The other theories discussed include the possibility that Reid took a lot of money from her parents while playing poker and they sent her to get it back, that he met her at a comic con and she has been following him to determine where he gets his costumes, and she is part of a new case, a witness or a suspect, who has attached herself to him for some reason.
About half an hour after Hotch leaves his office, a pizza delivery man enters the bullpen with a stack of pizzas. He’s followed closely by two cake delivery people who deliver a massive box, at least two feet wide by three feet long. The cake and the pizzas are delivered to Reid, and as the team discusses whether or not to interrupt whatever is going on in that office, Reid steps out, looking completely done with life. He knocks on Rossi’s door. Rossi and Hotch step out, and are joined by the girl, who is smiling impossibly wide.
The four of them join the four people in the bullpen, and Reid instructs them to gather around the cake.
“I uh, I have something to tell you all.” Reid says nervously as Steph vibrates beside him.
Without further ado, he opens the lid of the box, and the team is greeted with the sight of a blindingly purple cake with the words ‘Congratulations! It’s a girl!’ Written in neon pink icing.
As the team tries to comprehend the sight in front of them, the corners of the cake explode with purple glitter.
“Don’t worry, it’s edible glitter!” Steph says as she takes a handful of cake and starts eating it. While the team isn’t all that concerned about the glitter at the moment, a little bit distracted by everything else, they are glad it is edible, a large amount fell into their gaping mouths.
“So uh.” Reid scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, seemingly uncaring of the glitter covering him head to toe. “I have a daughter. Everyone, I would like you to meet Stephanie, my daughter.”
The team looks at Reid, then Steph, then Reid again, utterly shocked.
“I think we broke them.” Steph stage whispers to Reid.
Garcia is the first to recover. With a squeal, she darts to Steph and wraps her arms around her. “This is so exciting! I love my nephews, but a niece is amazing! We can have girls days together and paint our nails and go shopping and have so much fun!!”
Steph returns the hug just as enthusiastically. “I look forward to it, Auntie Penny!”
“Could I join these girls days?” JJ asks.
“And I?” Prentiss asks.
Garcia and Steph nod enthusiastically and the four of them speak over each other trying to plan their day.
“Congratulations.” Rossi says to Reid. “I can’t say I expected this, but I’m happy for you.”
“Congratulations.” Morgan echoes Rossi, still in shock. “How did this happen?”
Steph breaks away from the ladies to answer. “Well you see, when two teenagers spend unsupervised time together, and happen to be attracted to each other-“
Reid blushes and puts his hand over her mouth. “That’s enough.”
He yanks his hand away from her and looks at her with an incredulous expression. “Did you just lick my hand??”
Steph smiles gleefully. “I most certainly did. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. It is incredibly effective, as you can see.”
Reid sighs, and everyone laughs.
“Well, surprise as this may be, I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say congratulations, we are happy for you.” Hotch says. “And if there is anything we can do for either of you, just let us know.”
“Thank you Grandpa Hotch.” Steph says and Hotch blue screens.
“What?” Hotch chokes out.
Laughter can be heard, and Rossi can’t help but tease him. “You must be getting up there in years a little faster than you thought, huh pal?”
Steph turns to Rossi with gleam in her eyes. “Good thing he isn’t alone in his journey through time, right Grandma Rossi?”
Rossi takes it in stride. “I’m the better grandparent, right?”
Steph pretends to think for a moment. “Nah. Grandpa Alfie is the best grandparent. He was a spy, he cooks amazing food, he was a theater actor, and he once chased around a mouse with a shotgun while insulting my ex’s fashion choices.”
Reid’s face scrunches up in confusion. “Crystal's dad didn’t do those things.”
“Huh? Oh, right, I forgot about him, never even met the guy.”
“Is this Alfred the father of the guy you thought was your dad?”
“Nope, never met him either. Alfred is the pseudo dad of the guy who keeps trying to adopt me. The one who spends a great deal of his time in a cave full of bats. He is terrified of bats, they are his worst fear.”
“What?”
“Don’t worry about it, he’s really easy to steal money from, so he’s cool.”
Before Reid can ask any more of the questions that he really wants to, a man wearing body armor, a leather jacket, and a red helmet walks into the room, twirling guns around in his hands.
“Hey Sis!” He completely ignores all the agents pointing guns at him. “Ready for that thing with the stuff?”
“What thing?” Steph isn’t at all phased that The Red Hood is speaking to her. “Oh, right the thingamajig with the thingamabob, the entirely legal thingamabob.”
“We are gonna be late.”
“Fashionably late.” Steph haughtily flips her hair off her shoulder.
Red Hood chuckles, the sound creepily altered by the voice modifier in his helmet. “You gonna tell your new fed family to stop pointing their weapons at me or what?”
Steph raises a judgmental eyebrow at the agents. “You do know that my dear bro isn’t on the FBI’s most wanted list anymore, right?”
Reid shakingly lowers his gun. “Steph is correct, the Justice League pardoned him on the grounds of mind control.”
“Be that as it may, twirling guns around like that could be construed as a threat.” Hotch says.
The Red Hood groans dramatically and puts his guns away. “Happy now?”
“Very.” Hotch puts away his gun, and the rest of the team follows suit. “So, you are Stephanie’s brother?”
“That’s right.”
“Please do not tell me you are her twin brother, or biologically related on her paternal side in any way.” Reid says. “I don’t know if I can handle more than one.”
Red Hood chuckles again. “Not to worry doc, I’m adopted. We ain’t biologically related.” Red hood then pauses and cocks his head to the side in thought. “…unless you once slept with a Sheila Haywood?”
“Ummm. Probably not?” Reid stammers out and Red Hood sighs dramatically.
“How about Mary Grayson, or Sandra Wu-San, aka Lady Shiva, or Janet Drake, or Talia al Ghul, or Elaine Thomas?”
“I don’t think so.” Reid says unconvincingly.
“We better put a few more paternity tests on the to-do list.” Steph says with a smile. “Isn’t being a dad awesome?”
“Sure is.” Reid groans.
“We best get going, I’ll be back!” Steph says as she and Red Hood walk away.
“…why did that sound more like a threat than a promise?” Morgan asks.
“I regret everything.” Reid puts his head in his hands, then sneezes when glitter from his hands ends up up his nose. He mournfully laments. “I’ll never have a day of peace, will I?”
JJ chuckles and puts her arm around him. “There there, it’s not all bad.”
“I suppose.” Reid says as he looks to the door. “I miss her already.”
Steph does return, with lots of glitter, and some negative paternity tests. She sows chaos, and has a great time introducing her Gotham family to her other family. Reid doesn’t have a day of peace, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.