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"Merls!" Gwaine slurred, smiling brightly at the man when he entered the knights common area. "Were we supposed to meet tonight? I'm sorry, darling, some of the older Knights wanted to take the trainees out for a drink."
"Mm. Did you just forget about me?" Merlin asked, sitting in a chair at the table, polishing armor with the fire burning low behind him. He was too tired to be upset, so he picked up his things to leave as the others filtered in. “I'll see you all tomorrow. Maybe."
"What? No, stay!" Gwaine pouted.
"I'm not doing this anymore, Gwaine. Go to bed. I'll see you around." Merlin stepped into the corridor and was three steps away when Gwaine crashed into the corridor behind him, door slamming against the wall as he swung it open forcefully.
"Wait! Merlin, stop! Please, let's just talk about this!"
"No. No, I don't think I will. I waited for you for nearly five hours, hoping I was wrong and that you hadn't forgotten me. But you did. As you have done the last dozen times we were meant to meet. I'm done, Gwaine. Good night." Merlin tried to keep walking but was stopped by the others stumbling out behind Gwaine.
"Everything alright?" Leon asked, looking between them concernedly.
"Fine, Sir Leon. Just telling Sir Gwaine to go to bed." Merlin said politely, taking another step forward before Gwaine caught up to him and grabbed his shirt, turning him around and meeting his eyes.
"It is NOT fine. I've just been busy lately, Merlin, that’s all. I'm not ignoring you or forgetting you. I’m not. I can't lose you, so, please, tell me how to fix this?" Gwaine pleaded.
"You can't." Merlin said softly. "I've tried. Gods, I've done everything I could think of to make time for you. But you never did the same for me, none of you. Because no matter what you say, I'm not an equal to you. Probably never have been."
"That's not true." Elyan interjected, the other knights nodding along.
"You're one of us, Merlin." Percival said quietly and Merlin shook his head as he peeled Gwaine's hands carefully away from his shirt.
"I've never been one of you. If I were, if we were ever truly friends, you'd have listened to me at least once over the years when I said I had a bad feeling or that you shouldn't do something. But none of you ever listened to me. Whether it was because you were knights on a mission or because I was a servant and thus irrelevant. Doesn't really matter. I'd prefer to go to bed and deal with this all after a night's rest, if you don't mind." Merlin stepped around Leon and Percival who had approached him, and kept walking to his room, staying quiet so he wouldn’t wake Gaius.
Five hours he’d waited around. After the first half hour, and no sign of any of them, he knew he’d been forgotten. He’d just wished he’d been wrong. He was angry for the next hour, polishing with more fervor than he should have. Then, he was just sad. Sad because these men had been his friends. Or he had thought they were. But it was like Ismere all over again. Being left behind and having to find his own way back to Camelot. He’d given up so much to stay and protect them, that he didn’t know who he was if he wasn’t serving this purpose.
And maybe that was the problem. He didn’t know who he was outside of serving, anymore.
He made his decision and slowly packed away all of his possessions. He’d found a handy charm and applied it to his ruck so that he could fit practically everything he owned in it. He wrote out a few notes that people needed to keep in mind while serving Arthur or Gwen; what was expected during council meetings and the royal suites. Regardless of where he was going to be, he wasn’t going to leave the King and Queen of Camelot at the mercy of a failing household that neither one of them seemed to realize he ran.
When dawn came, he went to have breakfast delivered while he pulled George aside and into the office he often used.
“Is something the matter, Merlin? Has my performance been less than satisfactory?” George asked, nervously wringing his hands.
“No, you’re not in trouble George. It’s actually the opposite. I’m giving you a promotion.”
“Promotion? That’s not possible.” George shook his head, his brows furrowed in confusion. “The only position over me is you, unless you’ve created a new one?”
“I’m promoting you to my position, George. I’ve some things to take care of away from Camelot, and I’m unsure how long I’ll be gone. Someone still needs to be here to run the household. There’s no one that I would trust more than you to take over and ensure things run smoothly.”
“What?!” George shrieked. “No! Absolutely not! I can’t do your job, Merlin!”
“You can, I promise. I’ve written up notes, and I planned to spend the day answering any and all questions you have. I’ve reassigned Reagan and Trevor to cover your tasks today, so that you can shadow me. I know it is short notice, and I know that it is probably bad timing. But I must go.” Merlin did his best to hide his hurt, to mask himself of the tumultuous emotions within.
“Please tell me you won’t be gone long? That this is a temporary promotion, at least?” George begged.
“I’m not sure, George. I will leave information with Gaius, so should you need to reach me, he’ll be able to find me. For now, though, I need to leave.”
“I don’t like it.” George muttered, crossing his arms. “But I will not burden you with my disappointment. I will do my best to live up to your standards.”
Merlin gave him a brief smile and they sat down and went over the notes, Merlin answering all of George’s questions, before they had to attend audience day and council meetings. Arthur gave them a strange look, but didn’t say anything. The knights were trying to catch his eye, they even tried following him as soon as the meetings were dismissed, but the King called them back. Merlin made sure that each person from the cooks to the laundresses to the stable hands, all knew that they were to go to George with anything they usually went to Merlin for. One of the maids requested a meeting and followed Merlin and George into the office.
“This is a safe space, Frida.” Merlin promised, as George stood beside the desk looking at them curiously.
“Is it?” She asked, looking fearful. “You’ve protected us all, far more than has ever been done in such a kingdom. Will he be able to do the same?”
“I assure you, Frida, that I have every intention of doing what I can for you. As long as it is within my power to do so.” George offered quietly.
“Even protect us?” She asked, turning her eyes to him and lighting a small fire in her palm.
“Even so.” George assured, kneeling beside her. “He helped me learn control, so I can try to do the same for you. If I can’t, then I can cover for you or get someone else to cover your position for a time so you can gain control.”
“Thank you!” She exclaimed, hugging George before bowing slightly to Merlin and running off.
“I haven’t told them who all I’ve helped.” Merlin said with a quiet smile. “It was good of you to share.”
“If I’m to take over your duties, all of them, even for a short time, I need them to trust me. If that means sharing my own secrets, then I will do so. You’ve helped so many of us, that I can’t even imagine.” George shook his head before taking the vacated seat.
“I hope I’ve covered everything that you might have concerns about. At least for today. Feasts are a little different, but as long as you have warning enough you can write me and I can help to allay your concerns about the various tasks to be completed.”
“I imagine we will have a rough go for a few weeks, but we’ll make it work.”
“That’s good.” Merlin sighed, before a knock at the door startled them. “Come in.”
“Merlin. I was hoping I would find you here.” Arthur said as he strutted into the office.
“That’s all for now, George.” Merlin gave him a brief smile and George clasped his arm before bowing to the King and disappearing out into the castle.
“What can I do for you, sire?”
“Your presence has been requested in the small audience chamber by several knights. I’m not going to interfere, it seems this is a personal issue, but I wanted to see if you’d be alright to meet with them?”
“If I must.” Merlin said, straightening his clothes. “You don’t need to be there, if you don’t wish to be. It is like you said, a personal issue.”
“Before you go, what was George doing with you all day? You were whispering constantly and he was glued to your side.”
“I’ve given him a promotion and was helping him to understand his new role.”
“How is it you have authority to grant him a promotion?” Arthur asked, his head tilted curiously.
“I have the authority granted by the previous steward.” Merlin confessed with a shrug. “He’s the most competent servant we have that can fulfill the duties that I am asking of him.”
“If you’re sure?” Merlin nodded and Arthur nodded along. “I trust your judgment, Merlin. Will you be joining us for dinner?”
“Not tonight, no. I haven’t had time with Gaius this week, and I promised I’d be there. I hope that’s alright?”
“That’s fine. You’ll let me know if the knights are unruly or if anything occurs I need to step in for, won’t you?”
“You know me.” Merlin said with a crooked smile, making the King laugh.
“Alright. Tell Gaius hello for me.” Arthur waved and was gone.
As soon as he was out of sight, Merlin’s smile dropped. He wandered the halls and corridors for a bit, before straightening his back and going to meet the knights. He entered the chamber and found the others seated around a table, with Gwaine pacing beside it.
“I was told,” Merlin said in a low, quiet voice, “that you all wished to speak with me?”
“Merlin!” They exclaimed and stood abruptly.
“So? What can I help you with?” Merlin said, hands clasped behind his back.
“We owe you an apology. Several, really. But we haven’t been able to find you today to apologize properly.” Gwaine rambled, before Percival rested a hand on his shoulder gently.
“We were wrong to have forgotten about you last night. And each instance you mentioned. You’ve been a friend for a long time, for many years, but we lost track of that. And that’s on us.” Percival commented.
“Things have been getting wild lately, with Morgana on the move again.” Elyan said gently. “We didn’t realize we were leaving you out so much.”
“And you?” Merlin asked, staring at Leon who was standing back, watching everyone.
“I’ve known you the longest, aside from Arthur.” Leon said softly. “And I know that no words I say will ease your feelings of hurt that we caused. We have shown you that we are forgetful. That we value our positions as knights over our friendship with you. The only way we can fix anything is to show you the opposite. Apologizing now … means nothing. They’re just words.”
“Leon.” Gwaine hissed angrily, but Leon was still staring at Merlin.
“Am I wrong?” Leon asked, raising an eyebrow.
“You’re right.” Merlin agreed, eyes still locked on Leon. “I’ve had too many people tell me they’re sorry about forgetting me, tell me they were sorry they were busy. As if I’m not busy. As if I don’t have work that I do, that the castle staff rely on. As if what I do is less important than anyone else. I know I’m a servant, and you all are knights. So your duty is more visible. I get it. I do. But for the last few years each of you has pulled away from me, from being seen with me, especially as anything other than a knight and a servant. I’m not here to make anyone feel guilty for a friendship that has been over for longer than it lasted. I appreciate your attempt to … fix things between us.”
“We won’t let you down, Merlin.” Percival said vehemently, looking relieved. Merlin nodded at him and turned to leave.
“Where are you going?” Elyan asked in a rush.
“To have dinner with Gaius.” Merlin answered with a raised eyebrow.
“Would you want to get a drink after?” Gwaine pressed, looking hopeful.
“I’m afraid I can’t tonight. I appreciate the offer, though.” Merlin stopped with his hand on the door and looked back at everyone. “Being completely honest, I’m not sure how this can be fixed. A drink once or twice, a quick hello in the corridor or before a meeting, doesn’t change anything. Not really. You’ll keep up with it for a few weeks or so, until the next mission comes up. Show me I’m wrong. Not with just me. With others. You stick to spending all your time with knights, when it hasn’t always been so. Leon, you used to walk the streets and greet the people, talk with them and assure them they were safe under the King.
“Elyan you used to stop by the forge and do a few pieces, speaking with the various craftsmen to hear their concerns and gossip. Percival you used to play with the children in the lower town, letting them climb on you and encourage them to chase their dreams. Gwaine,” Merlin gulped, “you used to flirt with everyone you saw. Making the people visiting for events feel welcome and appreciated. Making me feel appreciated, when it felt like the bottom was dropping out of my world. I’d never …” Merlin sniffed and cleared his throat, “I’d never let myself think I could be loved. That I was worthy of it.
“When you started coming around, showering me with affection, I started to believe that maybe I could. But after a time, I could see you felt tied down. Obligated to stay with me after all I had given to you. All you had to do was tell me you didn’t feel the same anymore, and I’d have understood. I would have been sad, for a time, yes. But we both could have moved on.”
“I meant what I said, Merlin.” Gwaine said fiercely.
“Once, maybe.” Merlin nodded. “But not anymore. If you’d ever thought of me as a friend at all, you’d never have-” Merlin took a deep breath and let it out forcing his emotions down even though all he wanted to do was cry, “it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s a shame that it came to this, that our connections meant so little to you, to all of you. Because it meant the world to me. Have a good night.”
Merlin walked quickly down the twisting corridors, breathing heavily by the time he reached his and Gaius’ door. When he was inside, he slumped to the floor and dropped his face in his hands. He was used to muffling any sounds he would make when he was upset or hurt. He didn’t fight when the knobbly, arthritic hands pulled him from the floor and ushered him to a chair at the table, wrapping a blanket over his shoulders. He leaned into the warm body that rubbed soothing hands over his back while he cried silently, his face tucked into Gaius’ neck.
“I’m sorry.” Merlin whispered, pulling back and wiping his face.
“No, I am sorry. You’ve been under immense stress lately. I’ve prepared your favorite for dinner. Thought it would be a good sending off gift.”
“You knew?”
“Of course I did. You’ve been like a son to me. I know you better than almost anyone. I will miss you greatly, you know? But I know you’ll be back. In time.”
“I’ll miss you as well.” Merlin agreed, giving him a small smile.
They ate their meal and laughed at old memories. After almost two hours, they sobered, and Merlin picked up his ruck from his room.
“Write me when you get where you’re going, my boy.” Gaius said quietly, hugging him tightly.
“I will, I promise. George is taking over my duties, so he’ll probably pop by with a letter now and then. You’re welcome to share how to contact me with him, that way he doesn’t have to constantly bother you with things.”
“I’ll let him know. Be good, and keep up with your studies.”
“Of course.” Merlin held onto Gaius a few moments longer before he took one last look around the room before leaving.
He walked silently through the dark castle, avoiding patrols and slipping off to the woods. When he was at a clearing where he could call Kilgharrah, he paused. He sighed heavily and set his pack down, sitting on the ground.
“Can I ask why you followed me?” Merlin asked, not masking his annoyance.
“Curiosity.” Arthur said quietly, sitting down beside him.
“Mm.” Merlin hummed.
“Can I ask you something?”
“Might as well.” Merlin shrugged.
“Was George shadowing you today so he could fill in for you?”
“He was.”
“Merlin, please look at me.” Arthur said gently, and Merlin finally looked over and met a pair of concerned bright blue eyes. “What’s going on?”
“I need some time.” Merlin whispered, his eyes welling up. “I’m tired of being forgotten unless someone needs something from me. I’m tired of wondering if I ever really mattered. I took over as the Steward almost four years ago now, and no one seems to have noticed. I’m tired of being unimportant to people I care so deeply about. I just … I need some time.”
“I would have given you time, Merlin. If you’d only asked.” Arthur said quietly, looking away. “I haven’t gone a day without you, aside from when we left Ismere, in three years.”
“Ismere wasn’t your fault, Arthur.” Merlin said tiredly. “Others knew I was there. You were injured and needed to get back to be healed properly.”
“So were you.” Arthur retorted, picking at the grass. “How long will you be gone?”
“I don’t know.” Merlin admitted. “George is more than capable of taking care of my duties, though. He’ll be a bit of a wreck for a bit, until he finds a groove that works for him and the rest of the staff. I didn’t think you’d notice for a while, if I’m being honest.”
“I always notice when you’re gone, Merlin. Always.” Arthur admitted, tossing the pieces of grass he’d picked. “I also know that you’ve been unhappy for weeks. You rarely smile anymore and you never laugh.”
“I thought I was doing pretty well hiding it.”
“You were. But I know you better than I probably know myself, at this point. I know you keep secrets, not just your own, but also those of Camelot’s inner workings. You carry the secrets of a kingdom, and have never complained about it. I thought … I thought having Gwaine, you’d be better. More relaxed.”
“Gwaine.” Merlin’s voice cracked and he cleared his throat, taking a few moments to try and get his emotions under control, but it wasn’t possible. He’d already sobbed with Gaius, so it was all on the surface. He sniffled and wiped at the tears that escaped uselessly. “I’m pretty sure that he meant more to me than I did to him.” He confessed in a small voice.
“I don’t think so.” Arthur argued. “I think that he was scared of what you made him feel and didn’t know how to handle it. Like I did with Gwen, initially. I’m sorry. I should have probably taken him aside and talked to him, or had Gwen do it. We should have said something to let him know it was ok to be scared. Normal, even.”
“Only so much you could have said.” Merlin shrugged again. “He’s always been willful and brash and did whatever he felt like doing when he felt like doing it. I should have known that I wouldn’t be enough to change that. But I hoped I would be.” He sniffled again and wiped at his face to clean it off. “It doesn’t matter now. I’m going and, maybe, when I get back we can start again.”
“How long will you be away?”
“Until I feel like myself again.” Merlin admitted in a small voice. “I used to have hobbies and friends. Now, though … I had an epiphany the other day that I don’t know who I am outside of serving others. It’s no longer just my job, but has become my whole life. My whole identity. Consumed me. I have given up so much to stay here, and no one cares.”
“I care.” Arthur said just as quietly. “I’d have been lost all these years without you, Merlin.”
“I don’t think that’s true.”
“I know it is. And I’m sorry if I played a part in you wanting to leave. I’m sure I owe you the most apologies out of anyone, but I’m not going to say all that just now. Go do what you need to do, Merlin. And we can figure out the rest when you get back.”
“Goodbye, Arthur.” Merlin said quietly, as Arthur stood up and patted his shoulder before heading for the woodline once more.
“See you later, Merlin.” Arthur replied, before he was swallowed by the darkness of the trees.
Merlin stared at the starry sky for a while. Just enjoying watching the night shift. After sitting for an hour or two, he stood up and called for Kilgharrah. The dragon didn’t say anything, just looked at him knowingly, bowing down to allow him to climb on his back before taking off.
He wouldn’t stay gone forever. No, he planned to return. One day. Maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe even years, later. But he doubted it would be that long. He and Arthur were connected; two sides of the same coin, as he’d been told. He wasn’t sure he believed in soul mates, but if he did, he’d say that he and Arthur were that.
Perhaps when he returned, he would find that he had never truly been forgotten.