Chapter Text
It had been hours since Mark had broken the mug.
Hours since he’d cleaned it up, bandaging all the tiny cuts on his fingers he accumulated while picking up the shards. He was currently melting into his couch, belly down, face smashed into a cushion as he stared at an unimportant spot on the floor out before him. He’d managed to finally stop crying about half an hour ago, leaving him with swollen eyes and a horrible pressure headache, but he still couldn’t bring himself to move.
Mark felt just as shattered as the mug lying in his trash bin, unable to hold himself together now that he’d finally let it all out.
This wasn’t what he really wanted.
He wanted things to work with Vee. He wanted to turn back time and do things the right way - fall in love with Vee the right way, but it was pointless to wish for things he knew were unattainable. If he called Vee tomorrow and told him he’d forgiven him, Vee would be right at his doorstep in seconds, but the bigger problem wouldn’t be solved. Mark couldn’t trust him anymore and that was what stopped him from giving Vee another chance.
Somewhere else in the room, his phone began to ring but Mark hadn’t heard it at first or registered the noise filtering in as his ringtone. It wasn’t until the second time it rang that Mark noticed and sat up.
It was sitting on the table some feet away and for a moment, Mark debated getting up to answer it. He was fine right where he was on the couch, where the world wasn’t ending and his heart wasn’t breaking, but then it rang a third time, almost immediately after the second and the ringer was starting to annoy him.
Mark stood up and walked over, peering down at the screen to find Yiwaa’s name on it. Again, he wondered what would happen if he just ignored it, put it on silent, and stuffed it somewhere in the dorm where it wouldn’t bother him, but his curiosity behind the constant calling outweighed Mark’s urge to push it away.
He answered it, pressing it close to his ear.
At first, no one said anything, then Mark sniffled, pushing back the rising tide of emotion that had begun to crest now that he had to speak. “Hello?”
There was some noise in the background, what sounded like shuffling - heavy footsteps slapping on tiled flooring. Mark could also hear mechanical beeping - a baby crying. It sounded an awful lot like a hospital. He didn’t know what to make of it. Why would Yiwaa call him from the hospital, or call Mark at all?
Then Yiwaa spoke, her voice cracking on a warble Mark had never heard come from her before, and it felt like he was shattering all over again.
“Mark - Mark, Vee’s been in an accident.”
It took Mark longer than he would have liked to catch a ride-share to the hospital, but when he had, it was a straight line to the one Yiwaa mentioned over the phone. Her words kept repeating over and over in his head as he watched the other cars pass by, as he hurried inside once he’d finally made it.
‘I wasn’t sure if I should have called but - ’
‘I’m on my way.’
He almost missed the hallway to turn down once he’d hopped off the elevator but luckily Yiwaa was there, yelling after Mark as he rushed by.
“P’Yiwaa - where is he? Is he okay?” He was trying to catch his breath when Yiwaa nodded, reaching out to steady Mark by the shoulders.
“He’s fine - he’s awake.” She was already taking Mark down the hall toward Vee’s room, coming to an abrupt stop once they reached it. Mark, confused, took a step toward the door but Yiwaa interjected herself between. “Wait - Mark, there’s something you need to know.”
What couldn’t wait until later? He resisted the urge to blow past her and walk in anyway but something in the way she looked at Mark, the way her eyes looked wet and raw from crying for too long, told him he needed to stay and hear her out. If Vee was okay, Mark could suffer waiting a few more minutes to see him.
Yiwaa pulled him to the side and tried to collect herself. Mark waited, caught between breaths, between glancing at the door and back at Yiwaa. “The doctor says he hit his head pretty hard in the crash.”
An accident had been mentioned but Yiwaa hadn’t gone into detail and it wasn’t as if Mark would have heard her then if she had. The phone call had been brief - Mark had hung up almost immediately after Yiwaa told him which hospital to go to. “A crash?”
Nodding, Yiwaa shut her eyes a moment as if she were trying to concentrate. “He was riding his bike down the white bridge when it happened. Kamphan didn’t see him and Vee swerved to avoid him.”
What was Vee doing on the bridge in the first place? It sat between the university and the dorm and Mark was pretty sure Vee wasn’t coming over, not after their talk earlier that day - not after Mark told Vee to get out of his life.
Guilt hit Mark then, hard. He didn’t know the whole story or Vee’s reasoning for being on the bridge, but Mark realized that if it had gone differently, those would have been his last words to Vee. He was already feeling nauseated on the ride over, anxiety and worry all wrapped into a tight little ball in his stomach and now that Vee was within reaching distance, all Mark could think about was walking through that door.
Fight be damned, he was going -
The door to Vee’s room opened suddenly as Bar walked out, stuttering in his steps once he’d seen Mark and Yiwaa. “Oh, Mark - ”
“Wait - ” Yiwaa reached out to grab Mark’s arm because he was already gravitating toward the room. “Mark, listen, Vee’s - ” Yiwaa’s voice faded out, muffled among the background noise of the hospital. As Bar was trying to quickly shut the door behind him, Mark glimpsed inside and saw Vee laying in the hospital bed, a bandage around his head, his arm in a sling - and Ploy standing next to him.
They were holding hands and Vee wasn’t looking anywhere but up at her. It was a familiar look, one Mark remembered Vee giving to him much the same way before. The door had only been open for a few seconds, yet it felt like an eternity to Mark. Yiwaa was the only thing keeping him from going inside. If she and Bar hadn’t held him back, he’d been bursting into the room, despite Ploy being there.
“If he’s fine, let me see him.”
Bar was helping Yiwaa direct Mark away from the door, grasping Mark by the shoulders to get his attention. Once Mark’s gaze left the door and fixed itself on Bar’s face, Bar sighed and let him go. “Mark, listen to me. Vee’s having a hard time remembering things, okay? The doctor says it’s called retrograde amnesia.” Bar paused, patiently keeping an eye on Mark, but Mark didn’t know what to say. He wondered if he looked as confused as he felt, but then Bar answered his silent query and continued. “It’s memory loss, Mark. Usually, it’s temporary, but sometimes - ”
Mark shook his head. He knew what retrograde amnesia was, what he didn’t know was - “So, he doesn’t remember anything?”
Bar glanced over at Yiwaa, who was standing nearby Mark’s shoulder, before looking back at Mark. In that split second, he felt a surge of anger spike through him. He knew they were trying to be gentle with him, keeping whatever it was from him for as long as they could, but Mark didn’t need protecting, he needed to see Vee, to touch him, to hear that he was okay.
Mark’s voice choked on a lump of emotion. “P’Bar, tell me - ”
Yiwaa stepped up and cleared her throat, her voice soft and quiet. It only made Mark angrier. “The last thing Vee remembers is sitting with Bar after class, talking. The day that Bar told Vee about his crush on Kan.”
Crush on Kan.
Crush.
It took a moment for the words to soak in as Mark’s mind worked through his memories. It felt like he was trying to piece together a stubborn puzzle, losing himself in the timeline as he went backward. Mark had been there for that conversation, but no one had known. He’d merely wandered nearby where they were sitting on his way out to catch a ride home. When he heard them talking, he’d snuck behind a bush, unable to resist hearing Bar tell Vee about the ‘cute doctor-in-training’ he’d been hanging out with lately.
But that meant -
Mark swallowed down the emotion rising in his throat, finally realizing what they were trying to tell him.
“You mean - he - that he - but that was months ago, before - ” It was suddenly hard for Mark to breathe. His chest was tightening up and his throat was closing. The hallway was starting to spin and Yiwaa and Bar were gripping him on either side as they tried to steady him and help calm him down.
Later, when all of this was over, Mark would be ashamed of how dramatically he’d reacted to the news of Vee’s condition, but at this moment, his mind was reeling and his heart was beating itself out of his chest as Mark tried coming to terms with the fact that the memories Vee had forgotten, were all the memories of him.
It was the second time that night that Mark found himself staring off somewhere, lost in too many thoughts. Earlier it had been his floor he was staring at, now it was the tiled floor of the hospital room he’d been placed in. He hadn’t meant to wind up in one of his own, but the nurse Bar had flagged down insisted just so Mark could have the privacy to calm down from his panic attack. It didn’t help so much that it was the room right next to Vee’s.
So near, yet so far, and all that muck.
Mark could hear the door open and shut behind Bar as he came in. Both he and Yiwaa had given Mark some time alone once he managed to calm down, but Yiwaa wasn’t with him and Mark wondered if she was checking up on Vee.
“Mark?” Bar called out and Mark hummed in response, peering back over his shoulder as Bar came around the edge of the hospital bed he was sitting on. “Are you okay?”
Mark nodded. Not really.
Bar came close and Mark turned to look up at him. “The nurse said you can leave whenever you want.”
Mark nodded again and Bar sighed. He reached out a hand, gently placing it on Mark’s shoulder but Mark flinched so Bar pulled his hand away. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Bar touching him, Mark just didn’t want anyone touching him, not now while his face warmed from embarrassment and it felt like his stomach might drop out from him at any moment.
“I feel so stupid,” Mark mumbled, looking back down at his feet. “I shouldn’t have acted that way - P’Vee’s the one who got hurt.” Shame and embarrassment all rolled into one giant pill of anxious misery. He had no right to feel the way he did, not after the things he said.
Bar sighed again and stepped around in front of Mark. He cleared his throat, pulling Mark’s attention back up to him as he crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if Kan forgot me. It’s okay to not be okay. Vee’s alive and right now that’s all that matters.”
Mark swallowed past the lump in his throat that wouldn’t go away. “Do you think it would be weird if I went in to see him?”
Bar shifted weight from one foot to the other. It felt like he might be apprehensive to answer one way or the other, but Mark kept looking at him, waiting until he did. “I don’t know. Maybe - they said that that type of amnesia is usually temporary and right now - Ploy’s in there.” He raked a hand through his hair. “It might not be a good idea. Maybe in a few days when it all comes back to him.”
“Do you think it will?” Because Mark was hoping upon hope that it would, even if things between them were over.
Shrugging, Bar reached out again to place a hand on Mark’s shoulder. This time, he didn’t shy away but the warmth from Bar’s hand was starting to dredge up emotion that Mark didn’t want to feel. At least, not in front of anyone. “Do you need a ride home?”
Mark could only nod again, hanging his head as tears started to fall, as his shoulders began to shake and Bar stayed by his side until they stopped.
It was late when Mark and Bar left the hospital room, exiting into the hallway where Mark stared at the door next to his. When he’d been staring for too long, Bar gently took Mark by the arm and steered him away toward the general direction of the front doors. “He has to stay for a few days, but if anything changes I’m sure ‘Waa will let everyone know.”
They passed the double sliding doors into the humid heat of the night, a stark contrast to the cool air conditioning just inside. Mark’s hair flipped around, catching in his eyes so he ran his fingers through it, pushing it back a little. Some days he wished he could just cut it all off, but those days were usually dark ones, filled with self-doubt and deprecation. There’d been a few during Mark’s time with Vee, days when he felt guilty for being with someone who had someone else, but those were few and far between than the days before Vee - when it was Bar making Mark’s stomach churn, and even more so after his break up with Pack.
“I forgot to thank her for calling me,” Mark mumbled as they made their way to the parking lot and eventually Bar’s car. It was funny in a sad kind of way, that Mark had once been craving Bar’s undivided attention and now, when he no longer had strong feelings for him, Mark was getting just that. Then again, Mark was always on good terms with his exes.
Mark hadn’t wanted to do that with Vee. He wanted Vee to be just another person he’d merely tolerate from the corner of his eye until graduation, but - well, no one had ever hurt Mark to the degree with which Vee had. No one had ever meant as much to Mark as Vee had.
“It’s okay, I’ll tell her.” Bar was kind enough to open the passenger door for Mark, shutting it after he slid inside. Once Bar climbed inside, it was a short ride back to the dorm and Mark was silent the entire way. He kept seeing Bar glance at him from the corner of his eye as he watched a few cars pass them by. It was late by now so there weren’t many on the road.
Mark would have been in bed by now with his ringer down low.
As it was, once Mark had finally made it back into his dorm, he couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep anyway. He crashed on his couch again, tossing and turning all night until he couldn’t possibly do it any longer. The sun had risen and Mark had an early class to get to, so up he got and went about his day as best he could until it hit him again later at lunch when Vee’s table sat virtually empty. It was harder to get through the day after that.
Drudging through the next few days at uni had been harrowing. Mark had lost so much sleep, worrying over Vee, angry and upset that he couldn’t see him. Or wouldn’t - to be more accurate; if he were being honest with himself. Sure, he could head to the hospital at any point and barge right through to get to him, but he had no place to. No right.
Every time he felt the urge to run to Vee, the thought of Vee possibly not recognizing him kept him back. Even if he did manage to see him, it would only confuse things. If Vee couldn’t remember anything recent, he’d have no wherewithal as to why Mark was suddenly there. That was the biggest reason for his cowardice; the potential rejection.
It felt like a giant reset button had been pressed and the Vee and Mark they had been were no longer there.
Mark waited for the call, a text - anything for someone to say he’d recovered. Only then would he brave the shameful waters of an inflated ego and go to him, tell him he -
“Mark?”
Mark shook his head, dispelling the thoughts he’d been spiraling into all afternoon. He couldn’t concentrate on anything, flitting from class to class in a daze. Someone had called him but he had a feeling they’d been calling him for some time.
Nuea looked concerned as he took a step toward Mark, who’d been sitting in the cafeteria, staring off into space, and hadn’t heard anyone coming up. He looked up at Nuea now though, offering a polite greeting, an automatic response ingrained into him by his parents.
“Are you okay?”
Mark almost wanted to tell him no, but he smiled instead and nodded. “Did you want to sit with me, P’?” Neither had any tray of food or drink, but Nuea sat anyway, sliding across the bench on the other side of the table. Mark remembered when Nuea would always try to sit next to him. Maybe he had burned that bridge too. “How’s P’Vee? Has he - ” Regained his memories? Asked for Mark?
Nuea shook his head as if he could read Mark’s thoughts. For a moment he thought he might have said all of that out loud but Nuea kept on as if he hadn’t. “He’s still in the hospital. They wanted to keep him there for a few days to watch him.” His gaze scanned Mark’s face and he wondered if he looked as tired as he felt. “He should be discharged tomorrow though if you wanted to see him before he goes home.”
Even if he wanted to, it probably wasn’t a good idea. “I don’t know if I should.”
Shrugging and offering up a small smile, Nuea - ever the kind one to Mark, said, “If you change your mind later, let me know - I’ll give you a ride.”
Mark wasn’t really sure how he’d wound up standing in front of the sliding hospital doors again but Nuea’s words had been busy echoing in his head, distracting him all day during the rest of his classes. When his last class had ended, his feet had brought him to the hospital. He thought about turning around a few times but Mark didn’t think he’d be able to assuage his anxiety - his guilt if he just went home, so he put one foot in front of the other until he’d made it through the doors and down the hall.
When he made it to Vee’s room, the door was shut and Mark debated knocking first. He almost decided on turning back around to leave when he bumped into Nuea coming around the corner.
“Oh, P’Nuea - I’m sorry.”
“No worries, Mark.” Nuea managed to sidestep him, smiling and waving it off. “So you decided to come after all?”
Mark backed up a few steps, his feet shuffling awkwardly as he tried to leave some space between them. “I wasn’t sure if I was going to, but...”
Mark felt a little stupid coming at all, but then Nuea clapped a hand on his shoulder and squeezed it in reassurance. “Come with me then,” Nuea suggested, moving around Mark to open the door to Vee’s room. Mark followed him inside, hanging back a bit as he glimpsed Vee sitting up in bed. He might have been sleeping for he was alone in the room and the only light on was a small dim lamp on a table next to the bed.
Vee didn’t look much different than he always had. The bandage on his head that Mark had seen the night he’d been brought in was gone, along with the sling, but his hair was matted on one spot where Mark assumed the wound was. He wondered if Vee had needed stitches and that thought made Mark’s heart drop into his stomach.
“What - uh, what’s going on, Nuea?” Vee asked, his voice a little gravelly as his gaze drifted from Nuea to Mark and back again. Mark knew that rough sound meant he’d been sleeping and he felt even worse for disturbing him.
Nuea had a bag with him that Mark hadn’t noticed before and he set it down on the small table near Vee. “Came to visit you, brought you a few snacks that aren’t from the vending machines.” He pulled out a bag of chips, a flavor Mark knew was Vee’s favorite.
“Oh, thanks, man!” Vee exclaimed, catching the bag when Nuea lightly tossed it to him. “I love these,” He mumbled, not even bothering to wait to tear open the bag and dig in. It almost felt like a regular moment, just them all hanging out, but Mark remembered where they were and what had happened between Vee and him the last time they were together in a room. “But I meant - what’s he doing here?”
Vee had barely whispered it, not even bothering to curb the unsubtle volume of his voice. He wanted Mark to hear.
Nuea looked from Vee to Mark. “Uhm, we were hanging out and he decided to just tag along.” Mark had to hold back the urge to do anything but nod, watching Nuea turn back to smile at Vee. Nuea could say whatever he wanted and Mark would go along with it. Just so long as he got to look at Vee, access him from a distance.
“I hope you’re not following Nuea around because of Bar.”
Vee’s words were harsh, loud even as he munched on the bag of chips in his lap. Nuea seemed at a loss for words, his gaze shifting from Vee to Mark again. Mark was at a loss too, but he swallowed down the emotion bubbling up and spoke up. “P’Nuea was just helping me study for an exam.”
The answer seemed good enough for Vee to leave it alone but the look he gave Mark, his jaw sturdy, eyebrows raised in a challenge he was offering in defiance, Mrk knew for sure that there was nothing left of him inside of Vee’s head except all the unpleasant memories. Vee used to look at him this way before, back when Mark had been bothering Bar, and he couldn’t take Vee looking at him that way again.
He dipped his head in a quick nod and turned to go. “I hope you have a steady recovery, P’,” He mumbled, heading out of the room. The door shut behind him and for a moment, Mark was lost on where to go or what to do, but then he heard it open as Nuea stepped out. He felt Nuea’s hand run across his back as he gently put an arm around Mark’s shoulders.
The door shut and Mark looked back at him, his eyes stinging with unshed tears.
“It’ll be okay, Mark.” Nuea’s voice was soft, just as it always was when he was talking to Mark and he couldn’t help but reach up to wipe at his eyes, feeling the oncoming storm of emotion cresting at the edges of his sleep-deprived sanity. He was tired and he wanted to go home. “Just wait, he’ll be back to normal soon and then you’ll never be able to get rid of him again.”
Mark laughed but the situation was anything but funny. He groaned, dropping his hands down by his sides. “Maybe this he for the best,” He mumbled, stepping out from Nuea’s arm as politely as he could.
Nuea watched Mark distance himself, his own arm falling back down. “What do you mean? The doctor said there’s a very good chance the memory loss isn’t permanent.”
“And if it’s not?” Mark sniffled, rolling his eyes in annoyance at himself. Why must he always be crying around Nuea? “I told him to get out of my life and leave me alone.” He felt the familiar stab of guilt hit him right in the chest. It had never left, but for a while, it sat on the back burner to the anxiety of seeing Vee. “If he doesn’t get better, then at least he can move on. He won’t be in pain and I’ll have gotten what I wanted.”
“But is that really what you want?” Nuea seemed shocked to hear it, even though Mark knew full well how Nuea felt about that night when they’d found Vee and Ploy together. Mark wondered if Nuea and all the rest felt guilty too.
Mark shook his head and before the second wave of tears began to flow, he said, “I want you to tell the others not to mention anything about me to Vee, that’s what I want.”
Whatever that meant.
Days passed. Days with no sleep, with midnight runs to twenty-hour shops for food that offered comfort in the moment and indigestion hours later. Days spent wallowing in his dorm, flitting from laying on his bed to his couch, to even on the floor. Days and nights where Mark kept the curtains shut and couldn’t tell what time it was until he checked his phone.
Which was often.
More so than he should. He’d told Kamphan and Fuse to make up some excuse to get him out of class. He was sick, or he had some family emergency. Anything to get him out of going to uni and dealing with the monotony of life after Vee. He’d been prepared to do it before, possibly more out of spite than with a clear line of sight of moving on because that had been his choice, but now it seemed as if the control had been taken away. It seemed impossible to change out of his sweatpants and sweaters. Even more so to jump in the shower.
It was on the fourth day when Mark had been bombarded with rapt knocking on his door, surprised at the sudden visit from his friends. Fuse took one look around the dorm, noticing the unusual unkempt nature of it before James took Mark by the arm and steered him toward the bathroom.
“Let’s get you cleaned up,” James mumbled, turning on the hot water of the shower. Mark stood by, watching him, waiting and when he realized James wasn’t going anywhere until he hopped in, Mark began undressing.
It was almost comical the reaction he’d gotten from James, and Fuse who’d hung by the door, once he’d hooked his thumbs into the band of his boxer shorts. They weren’t planning on sticking around for the nude portion of the shower and promptly left the bathroom so Mark could climb inside.
Admittedly, Mark felt a little better once he’d washed up, stepping out in a towel to find some clothes laid out on the bed for him. “You guys don’t have to do this, I can pick out my own clothes,” He sighed.
Kamphan popped his head into the room. “We know, we just want to help.” Mark could hear them rustling around out in the living room and kitchen area and moments later when he finished dressing and came out, he saw that they had been cleaning it up a bit.
Mark couldn’t help but feel a little more emotional, but he was exhausted so everything made him cry these days. He tried stamping it down this time, lending a helping hand to Fuse as he washed the dishes that had been piling up, but Fuse told him to sit, that they’d take care of it.
“Come out with us tonight,” Kamphan called from the bedroom, walking out with a basket of laundry. “You don’t have to drink, but it’s better than rotting away in here.”
“He’s right,” James said, opening up the sliding glass door to the balcony, orange evening light filling up the space. “About the rotting - it smells like something died in here.”
Fuse tsked at James in reprimand but it brought a smile to Mark’s face anyway. As sad as it was that the obvious answer might have been Mark wasting away in this room, it was nice to see his friends and hear them chatter like normal. He hadn’t realized he’d missed it until now.
“Sure,” Mark shrugged because maybe it could be a good distraction.
It was much like any other night at the bar Mark and his friends always frequented. He was hesitant at first to go in but he did it anyway. It was the normal thing to do and Mark had to start doing normal again.
The music was as loud as ever but it wasn’t as busy inside as Mark was expecting, which made for a very awkward line of sight of the table Yiwaa and the rest were sitting at when Mark and his friends walked through the door. Everyone was sitting at that table. Yiwaa, Bar - even Tee and Lee, and unfortunately, Vee.
Vee looked over right as Yiwaa looked up from her phone and Mark had a moment of panic run through him. Usually, they’d be invited to join them, but Mark was thankful that Yiwaa hadn’t waved them over this time. It made looking away and following Kamphan to another table that much easier, even though throughout the night, Mark found his gaze sliding over in the direction anyway.
When Bar caught him looking, Mark busied himself with his beer - the second he’d had despite his initial decision to not drink. Somehow, seeing Vee was triggering enough to make him want to forget what his face felt like.
“Mark, slow down.” Fuse reached across the table to deter Mark from downing the rest of his glass in one go but Mark had pulled away and finished it anyway. “Mark…”
“You wanted me to come out, so I’m out.” He placed the glass a little too hard back on the table, blanching at the loud thump, but it didn’t stop him from reaching for the bottle to refill it.
Fuse sighed, nudging Mark with his shoulder. “Do you want to leave? We can do that too.”
Mark shook his head, accidentally spilling just a bit of beer on the table. “No.” Maybe he liked torturing himself more than he thought. “It’s just like before right?” Because by now, everyone Mark knew was aware of what was going on - what had happened to Vee.
“Right, just like the last time you went down a road of self-destruction.” Mark stared across the table at James, letting his words sink in and when James apologized for being rude, Mark shook his head and pushed his glass away.
“It’s fine, you’re right.” If this was Mark’s normal, then maybe he needed to change it. “I need to pee.” And he excused himself from the table.
Unfortunately, on the way there meant he’d have to pass by Yiwaa’s table, and even as he tried not to look at them, nor show any interest, it seemed as drawn as he was to them, they were just as drawn to Mark the same.
“Mark!” Yiwaa called out, this time choosing to do so rather than ignoring him, and Mark couldn’t resist stopping by their table to make polite pleasantries.
It made sense. In all that time running around with Vee, Mark had made friends with them and to forget about Vee would mean forgetting about them and that just made Mark feel worse.
He smiled through it, then offered up greetings and inquiries to their evening. It felt strange, almost, to be speaking with them this way, but Mark had wanted this. He wanted them to act as if Mark hadn’t come into their lives either.
Vee seemed to have no interest in the conversation Mark was having with Yiwaa and Nuea. In fact, Mark noticed that from the moment he’d come over, Vee had been bristling under the collar of his plaid over-shirt, on high alert to be as stoic and stiff as he possibly could. Mark had never seen Vee’s back so straight, his gaze so calculatingly cold.
Not since before.
“How are you doing, P’Vee?” Mark asked, the tiniest sliver of hope culling inside the pit in his stomach.
“I’m fine,” Vee answered, looking a little confused.
Bar leaned a little over his side of the table, pulling Mark’s attention back to him. “The doctor said Vee should go to familiar places - try to jog his memory.”
“We’ve been filling him in as best we can,” Yiwaa piped up and again, Vee looked puzzled.
Mark realized it might seem weird to Vee having Mark so interested in his recovery, how open Yiwaa and Bar were being with him.
Mark nodded in gratitude for the information but he felt it was time to go. He smiled, parting ways to head to the bathroom where he spent a little too long staring at the sink. He’d been busy wondering if he should just sneak out the back when the door opened next to him, startling Mark from his thoughts. Vee walked inside and suddenly Mark’s legs stopped working, rooting him to the spot. He tried his best to will his feet to move as he ran his hands under the faucet, pretending to just have been washing them.
Vee walked up to the next sink and leaned against it, folding his arms across his chest. Mark could feel his eyes on him and debated if he should acknowledge it or ignore it. When Vee cleared his throat, the decision had been made for him and Mark looked up and over at him as he shut the faucet off.
“Something’s weird about you,” Vee mumbled. Mark took a moment to look around to see if they were the only two inside and came back to Vee when he tsked at him for attention.
“I don’t know what you mean, P’.”
Vee’s brows twitched high on his head. “That, for starters. Since when have you been so polite to me?”
Mark didn’t know what to say. What could he?
Vee took a step toward him, arms still folded across his chest as he hunched a little closer. “Hm? Do you have something you want to tell me?” He sounded frustrated and again, Mark couldn’t seem to bring himself to say anything, let alone open his mouth. “I have a feeling they’re hiding something from me, that there’s something they’re not telling me.”
Mark’s heart hammered away in his chest. Already they were too close but then Vee took another step forward and instead of feeling comforted by Vee being so near like he used to, Mark only felt anger in its place. “No, there’s - ” Mark had to clear his throat, and swallow past the anxiety steadily rising within. “I don’t know what you think - ”
The door burst open behind them, startling Mark again as a few other people walked in. They were talking loudly, almost drowning out the sound of the music playing and Mark used this as a way to escape the awkward situation.
“I’m sorry,” He mumbled, dashing out of the bathroom and making a beeline for the parking lot.
Mark had actually managed to get up for class the next morning, dragging himself around uni all day, listening to lectures and conversations his friends were having at lunch. To be honest, the only thing he was looking forward to was swim club, yet even then it felt more like a chore than anything else. He tried to look at it as a way to rest in the water but the moment he’d turned the corner to the pool, any thought of relaxation swiftly disappeared.
“I don’t know what else you think there is but - ”
“I feel like you’re not telling me everything. Something is missing.”
Mark didn’t have to peek around the corner to know who was talking. It was very clearly Vee and Bar. He stayed back, hiding behind the wall, debating if he should call it quits and go home or continue on and potentially break up the conversation. He couldn’t decide, rooted to the spot by his damn curiosity.
Bar sighed and something light landed on the bench Mark knew was right around the corner. “Not to be obvious, but you did lose some of your memories.”
“You know what I mean.” Vee still sounded as frustrated as he had the night before, but his anger wasn’t really there. Not as much as it was when he’d directed his assumptions toward Mark.
“Dude, trust me - it’s a process and it’s not going to happen overnight, no matter how much you want it to.” Bar paused a moment and Vee sighed. “It’s months worth of memories and we’ll help where we can, but you really should be at home resting, not stressing yourself out here.”
Neither said a word so Mark took a step forward, readjusting the strap of his backpack over his shoulder. He made it two steps around the corner when Bar spotted Mark over Vee’s shoulder. Vee turned, whatever expression he had on his face now set in stone, his jaw tight as Mark kept walking in their direction.
“What are you doing here?”
Bar nudged Vee’s shoulder. “He’s in the swim club. You know that.”
That hurt more than it should, even more than watching Vee go once he hummed in agreement. Guess it was back to snark and cruelty. Mark just wanted to go into the locker room and never come out but Bar was following behind.
“I still don’t understand why you don’t want us telling Vee anything. It feels wrong not telling him everything.”
Mark sighed, opening his locker to deposit his backpack. “I know, and I’m sorry that I’ve put you all in this position but,” Mark huffed, leaning his head on the edge of the high shelf right inside. “- he hates me right now. Or, at least he remembers hating me right now - or back then.” He grabbed his swim outfit and began loosening his tie. “If I tell him everything we’ve done, everything that’s happened between us, he’ll just hate me even more.”
This felt like the most he’d spoken in days, but it felt good to get it all off of his chest. Bar was quiet nearby, leaning against another set of lockers as Mark removed his shirt.
“How do you know that?” Bar shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “What if keeping it from him hinders his ability to remember anything at all?”
He didn’t but Mark wasn’t just trying to protect Vee. He was also trying to protect himself. “I don’t, but it’ll give him a second chance to be happy with Ploy. I was just some confusing mistake.”
Mark was just getting out of the shower when a knock at his door caught his attention. He quickly pulled his pajama bottoms on, leaving his towel hanging around his neck to catch the water dropping from the ends of his hair. It wasn’t late but he also wasn’t expecting anyone and was surprised to find Ploy standing outside his door when he opened it.
He didn’t know what to say at first, confused and caught completely off guard, peeking around to see if there was anyone else with her. There’d be no reason for her to be there, none except for Vee.
“Can we talk?” She asked, and Mark felt a stab of panic run down his backside. He nodded anyway and moved aside so she could enter, quietly shutting the door behind her. “I’m sorry to just drop by like this,” She mumbled.
Mark shook his head. “It’s alright.” But he wasn’t really sure it was. Visions of her and Vee together flashed through his mind but he offered a seat on his couch all the same. “Excuse me for a moment.” He disappeared into his room to find his pajama top and slipped it on, buttoning it up as he exited. The towel was still around his shoulders but he used it to quickly dry the wettest part of his hair before he hung it on the end of a chair.
Ploy looked at Mark a moment as if she wasn’t sure what she was going to say either. He couldn’t blame her. It was pretty weird to have her in his dorm room.
“I went to Vee’s friends earlier today, to explain to them about what happened that night.” She hadn’t needed to elaborate. Mark knew she was talking about that night in the parking lot. “With Vee’s accident and everything that happened before then, I just wanted to clear the air.”
Mark shifted a bit where he stood, the feeling of dread filling him up like a weight dragging him down. “What do you mean?” Wasn’t it already obvious? Why would Ploy have to explain herself or anything to anyone?
Ploy sighed, wringing her hands in her lap. “It was a mistake. My mistake. I’m the one who kissed Vee - he didn’t know it was happening until it happened and by then - well.”
“So you weren’t getting back together?” Suddenly Vee trying to talk to him before made more sense. Maybe Vee was trying to tell Mark that exact thing and he’d just been so consumed by heartbreak and fear that he didn’t want to listen.
“No,” Ploy shook her head. “And I’m sorry for that - for making you think we were. I can’t say I didn’t know that he’d already moved on, but even knowing what I did - I did it because I was scared to be alone. And we both know how nice Vee can be.”
He did. Mark knew well enough that Vee tried his hardest to make those around him happy. Even if manifested as a chaotic mess sometimes, Vee always had his best intentions at heart.
Mark swallowed, trying to settle his nerves. “I’m sorry too, for everything that happened before that.” No one here had been an innocent party but none of them were really at fault. It was just a shitty situation executed poorly. Mark walked over and took a seat next to Ploy. She’d left him enough space that they were able to have a comfortable distance between them. “But what are you going to do now? He doesn’t remember everything that happened.”
“I’m going to tell him the truth.” She sighed, her shoulders slumping just a little. “And I’m going to have to break up with him again.”
“You’d do that?” Mark asked, a little surprised. There was still a part of him that wondered if Ploy would use this opportunity to rekindle their relationship.
Nodding, Ploy fanned her hands out, gently slapping her legs as she grabbed her knees. “I have to. It would feel wrong to lie to him.” She looked over at Mark then, her gaze telling, a little too much a window into his own predicament.
Mark looked at her a moment. “Did Nuea tell you?”
“He did.”
“I’m not lying to him. I’m just not telling him everything.” It was exhausting trying to explain himself to everyone. He knew they understood why and Mark understood that they didn’t agree with it. Even though they were going along with his request.
Ploy reached out then, fingers curling around one of Mark’s hands. “You know omission is still lying. Vee not having the whole picture could hinder his healing process.”
Mark looked down at their hands and couldn’t resist gently squeezing Ploy’s. “I’m nothing,” He whispered. “If he never remembers me, then there’s no harm in rehashing painful memories.” Even as he said it, he realized Ploy would be the closest person to understand him completely. Yet, she was willing to risk it all anyway.
Nodding again, Ploy patted Mark’s hand with her other one and held it in both for a minute. “Then don’t do it for his peace of mind, do it for your own. Even if he never remembers your time together, you will, and if you don’t clear it up it’s going to eat at you for a very long time.” She stood and started heading towards the door. “I won’t say anything, because it’s not my business, but I hope you do, soon.”